Random Thoughts

These past 2 nights of lack of sleep are showing. Big time. I am so hostile and cranky I want to punch someone. If I don't get a good night of sleep soon, I am going to scream.

I wish I could just fall asleep and sleep until the weekend. I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days worrying that my period is going to come earlier than expected. I am at my wit's end. I feel awful. I have deep burning cramping across my lower back, pelvic area, and in my legs. I am nauseous, emotional, fatigued beyond belief, bladder spasms, etc.

Now I have a new thing with my eyes itching. They itched last month before it came on but I thought it came from being at the dentist that day. But then it continued for several days. And I can't even tell anyone any of my symptoms because all I get is "it's anxiety!".

Why? Why does the answer to every fucking thing in my life have to be anxiety? Maybe it really is or maybe it really isn't, I don't know. And do people ever stop and realize how it makes me feel to just brush off my concerns? To me it makes me feel like they are just saying it's all in my head. And if I don't get "it's anxiety", I am either ignored or told I need to get help. Yes, because going for help is not only going to definitely solve my problems, but it's going to solve them overnight. And the one place I thought I might be able to get some answers and maybe put at ease didn't help much, just putting the worrying I have vaginal atrophy on the back burner, although at this point I don't think anything could really put my mind at ease.

And if it's not perimenopause, then what the hell could it be? There is no possible way someone can feel this awful before getting her period without some kind of reasoning. My mom is convinced I have PMDD, which could explain a lot of the symptoms I have. Nutritional deficiency? What I still suspect I may have- endometriosis? All I know is I want a fucking answer.

I didn't realize my doctor had prescribed me birth control (she talked about it, but I thought my repeating of "I didn't like how I felt on birth control" would have been enough of a hint) and I never picked up the prescription. I kind of regret it now. But I don't want to go on birth control (unless I am on it for its intended purpose) and have faux hormones control my period. In my state of mind right now, I need to get my period naturally (if that makes sense). Would it be nice to know when I am definitely getting it? Yes. But I need to see when my own body is bringing on my period (if that makes better sense).

I have to go get a tooth filled tomorrow at 6:30PM. I want to cry because I so badly don't want to go. I have to get up early the next 3 days to exercise because I took off yesterday and today. Everything is becoming a real effort for me to do, because not only is my anxiety terrible, but my depression is starting to get bad as well. I have honestly considered going to the hospital a few times, not because I necessarily want to hurt myself (although I won't deny that it does cross my mind more often than not), but because I am tired of all of the shit and just want a rest.

On another note, I am so pissed at the Pretty Little Liars finale! I was finally starting to like Mona!

Also, not trying to rush things, because I honestly don't want summer to end, but I have really been wanting to watch Gar-Halloween-field. And Brain Candy.