Random Thoughts

Have you ever had a dream that just haunts you to no end? Almost 2 weeks ago, I had a very bizarre dream, and to this day it's still bothering me. The strange thing is, I remember almost nothing about it, just that I was walking around inside some big theater-type place and George Michael's "Father Figure" was playing, yet for some reason, I have been haunted by it since. I love that song, but whatever it was about the dream that has me so disturbed has made me completely unable to listen to it.

Is developing an aversion to something because of a bad experience normal? I can walk into a room and forget why I came in, yet I can distinctly remember the drive to the crazy house on 1/13/06 and the fact that I was listening to the song "Valerie" by Steve Winwood. And to this day, I still can't listen to that day without those memories flooding my head. Or how I can't listen to Depeche Mode's Playing the Angel album without thinking of that time period as well. And forget even trying to listen to the Scorpions' "Send Me an Angel", another song I listened to a lot during that time period- the end result is usually a lot of tears and borderline panic attack. To this day, I will never understand why that time period and hospital stay traumatized me so bad. The hospital stay was basically a waste of my time, but overall it wasn't that terrible. So why I am still so affected by it?

Then again, it's not like I come from a family particularly known for letting shit go. And Lord knows I could probably win gold or platinum in that category. Not being able to let shit go is probably >95% of why I have mental illness.

Song Of The Day

Song Of The Day

"How sweet life would be/If I could be free/From the sinner in me"

Song Of The Day

I do like this song a lot, just still has a lot of bad memories attached to it:

Song/Video Of The Day

This blog is almost 6 years old. WHY HAVE I NEVER MADE THIS VIDEO AND SONG OF THE DAY?!

Random Thoughts

Wow, my monthly time needs to come ASAP. Not only am I anxious as hell, hostile and irritable as hell, but it's also the time I think of wanting to hurt myself the most.

So I did end up going to the dentist on Monday morning. What a freaking waste. I am so damn disgusted. I think from now on, if I cannot see my usual dentist, I am not going to go. I explained how I had pain in my two teeth that mysteriously stopped, the sensitivity in both teeth, how I am not chewing properly and am getting headaches and soreness on the left side near my ear, and how I had a chip out of my back molar. The latter was the only thing taking care of.

I feel like the dentist did nothing. No spraying cold water or air or anything on either tooth to determine which teeth exactly were bothering me. All she did was patch up my back tooth and told me I need to come back for a crown in a couple weeks. After she finished, I said well what about the sensitivity? She gave me Sensodyne and told me if that doesn't help, then I need to go see a root canal specialist. I'm sorry, am I crazy for thinking that is jumping the gun a little much? Like they won't even try a crown or anything on either tooth? My usual dentist is going to do my crown so I am going to ask him about it when I go. 

If I don't end up back there sooner. I have been such a wreck since I went. I don't want to have to have root canal done. It's not so much I am afraid of root canal in itself (although someone better prescribe me Ativan or Valium for the day I would go); it's everything that would come after. And reading people's horror stories of post-procedure infections. JFC. I am so terrified I am going to develop an abscess if I don't get what is possibly wrong taken care of ASAP. I don't even want to eat because I am afraid of feeling pain or of food getting in and causing infection. I am not even going to continue listing what else I am afraid of because I am just going to make my anxiety worse.

And in addition to THAT anxiety, my mother is having surgery on Monday, so I am an anxious mess about that. I am so worried that something will happen and I'll feel awful that I didn't push her more to not have it done. I swear to God, sometimes it amazes me I have never tried to kill myself. I'm trying to decide whether to take the day off or not; I want to be there, but to be honest, I think I will be worse of an anxious mess if I have to sit in the waiting room with my father and my grandmother. I honestly think I would have to admit myself to the psychiatric floor. Which with how I am feeling right now, sounds like a pretty damn good idea.

I am listening to "Precious" by Depeche Mode right now and the first time I heard that song was right around the time I went off of Effexor cold turkey. I miss my life before that.

Random Thoughts

So I finally called one of the imaging places today to get a price quote on a transvaginal ultrasound and it would be $587, but if I agreed to pay it in full the day of the procedure, it would cost $294. I have been having pretty bad cramping the past few days, including right now. It's a weird pain to describe. It definitely feels like it's coming from the reproductive area. I have had enough varying degrees of menstrual cramps to know what they feel like and the pain almost feels like menstrual cramps, but there is something different about it. I guess maybe the best way to describe it is like a deep vague burning. It's not terrible, but it's certainly uncomfortable. It still stays localized on my left side in the front, but spreads across most of my lower back.

I should really have the test done, but I hate to put out that money and nothing is found. Which still doesn't mean anything. I don't know how reliable a TV ultrasound would be in diagnosing endometriosis, if that is what it was. But I certainly can't have a laparoscopy done right now.

I am so stressed and worried that my period is going to come early. And then if I pass the expected date, then I will start worrying that it will not come. And then when it comes, I'll start worrying that it will come early next month or I'll start spotting again. IT. NEVER. STOPS.

Sometimes I go through my iTunes library and think good god, what what I thinking when I liked that song? Even songs I have praised on here in the past, I think oh god why. "Written in the Stars"? "Higher" by Taio Cruz? "Paradise" by Coldplay? Ugh.

And then sometimes there are songs I just can't listen to anymore. When I had a nervous breakdown before, I spent a good amount of time listening to Depeche Mode's Playing The Angel. I can't really listen to anything from that album anymore without having bad memories.

If I hear songs that I used to hear a lot when I worked (with the exception of some songs, e.g. "Kids", "Time To Pretend", "Little Talks", and a few others), I can't listen to them. I used to love both of the songs by A Silent Film that my radio station played. Not anymore. I don't hate them, but I can't bring myself to listen to them anymore. Anything by Death Cab by Cutie, although I suspect that doesn't just have to do with bringing back thoughts of my old job. More like it just sucks to my ears now. I do still like "Soul Meets Body", although for a while there I couldn't distinguish between it and "Satellite" by Guster. I don't know. I'd like to know if anyone else has this problem or if it is just another one of my ridiculous eccentricities. Probably the latter.

I just came across this article:

Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Arrest PHOTOS: New Pictures Emerge From Boston Bombing Suspect Manhunt (UPDATE)

So let me get this straight....this guy releases these photos to counteract the Rolling Stone issue? I hardly see how that would happen. And listen, dude, as someone who had fan-girled for many, many years, these pictures are not going to counteract the photos to the millions of fan girls this evil idiot apparently has. If anything, it is going to drum even more sympathy from these dopes.

I still can't believe that he actually has fan girls. I mean, I suspected that it existed, but when I saw actual proof of it.....Gesù Maria Giuseppe.

Video Of The Day

YouTube - Depeche Mode - Suffer Well (Video)