Random Thoughts

Ah, good ol New Years Eve, we begrudgingly meet again.

Returning to my rant on Covid, last week there was an obituary in the newspaper for a couple who died of Covid days apart from each other. They were both 93 years old. Married for 71 years. Why? Where is the justice in this? You make it all those damn years, only for a goddamn virus to get you? A virus that should have been better contained had we not had an incompetent orange blowhard in office. Then you have assholes who deliberately defy CDC guidelines and gather in large groups with no masks, they get it, and they fucking survive.

I'm constantly hearing commercials for mask wearing, about doing it to protect your neighbors and yourself. When I go into work, do you think I do it to protect coworkers? No, I do it to protect myself and to prevent bringing it home to my family. If they can't have the decency to wear a mask when they're near and/or talking to me, then tell me why should I really give a shit about protecting them?

I've said it before and I'll say it again- I never thought it was possible for me to dislike people more, and then Covid happened. I know humans can be selfish and hateful, but this is just a whole other level even I never would have imagined. It's mind boggling that humans can be so rotten.

The WTF Of The Day (Year, Century, Etc)

Trump is the most admired man in 2020, beating Obama, who's held the top spot on the Gallup list for the past 12 years

 

Random Thoughts

Usually it doesn't take long for the post-holiday blues to start kicking in on Christmas day, but for some reason this year it was a delayed reaction. I don't know if it was due to the complete chaos (although that's a pretty standard thing for any holiday in this household) or the damper the whole Covid pandemic has put on basically everything this year, or what the heck it was. But it's coming, oh my yes. Then you go on the internet and you see gazillions of headlines of how the worst of the pandemic is yet to come, it's going to be a dark winter, predictions are grim, etc, etc....and how are you supposed to feel any better?

I don't understand why people are so anxious to say goodbye to 2020. Yes, it was a horrendous year, but when that clock strikes midnight on Thursday, guess what? Covid is still going to be here. It's not going to just magically spontaneously combust and go away, even though that would be like the greatest thing ever right now. Nope, it'll still be here gracing us with its little spiky ass, wreaking havoc.

And being able to get the vaccine, that cannot come quick enough. Although I am getting to a point where I'm not even sure if having the vaccine is going to help my anxiety levels much, although I do believe my anxiety levels won't be nearly as bad as they are not being vaccinated. I was somewhat hesitant on getting it before, but I can't take it anymore. I just want this to go away. Lord knows what kind of side effects it could cause in the future, but I just don't even care anymore. I'm not having kids, so I don't have to worry about any effects in that aspect, no mutants or flipper babies (IT WAS ONLY A COUPLE OF FLIPPER BABIES!!!)

I was reading an article the other day profiling people who have died from the virus and the entire time I read the article, I could feel my blood pressure rising. All of these people died needlessly, yet every single asshole in the Chump administration who have caught the virus through every fault and stupidity of their own managed to survive it. Where is the justice? Yes, I know life is unfair, but come on. This is just rotten.

And one of the things that tore at my soul the most reading the profiles were the loved ones saying how scared the deceased person was when they were sick. That bothered me. A lot. Reading about these people only fuels me in wanting to get the vaccine. Do it for them. Because they didn't get a chance.

I also want it to protect myself from my asshole coworkers. All I want is an answer to why they feel so sure of themselves that they aren't carrying the virus. Is it arrogance? Stupidity? Both? And I also want to know why one person cannot have the decency to put a damn mask on when they're talking to me. You see me with one on, have some damn respect. And I shouldn't have to demand it. Just do it. Have some sense.

Christmas Song Of The Day

Because once again, no one will take my word and just not have the holidays this year, we had the same small group as Thanksgiving and because no function in my household can be complete without utter chaos and mayhem, I never got a chance to post a song yesterday. Now I did not post in any particular countdown order; however, my last choice is, to me, THE ultimate Christmas song that NO other Christmas songs can EVER hold a candle to. No way. No how. NEVER EVER COMPARE. 

Looking at you, Mariah.

Christmas Song Of The Day

 

Christmas Song Of The Day

 

Christmas Song Of The Day

 

Christmas Song Of The Day

Song(s) Of The Day

With Christmas in 5 days, I'm going to post a favorite Christmas song every day, although today will be several, as I am going to post my top favorite versions of "O Holy Night" (no order):

 

 

Johnny Mathis

 

 

Nat King Cole

 

 

Celine Dion

 

 

 

And can't forget Josh Groban

Song Of The Day

 

What? I like some corny sappy love songs, what can I say? Also, anyone who can tweet this is pretty damn cool.

Meh

When you have no life and are off from work, you spend too much time on the internet and end up coming across articles with links to sites like this Covid 19 Risk Tool. I took it out of curiosity and apparently I have 0.01 times the risk of dying from Covid 19 compared to the average risk of the American population. Good to know. Obviously I fully understand that you can be young and healthy and still croak from it, but with the way I very clearly feel about life, I'm pretty sure I'd make it through with no problem.

The Headline Of The Day

Last-ditch effort to throw election to Trump quashed by Supreme Court

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here's an idea- STOP worrying about the election, ACCEPT that no one likes your orange ass, and make yourself somewhat useful in controlling this damn pandemic already!

Song Of The Day

The WTF Of The Day

'Melania Antoinette': First lady faces backlash after unveiling tennis pavilion at the White House

Millions infected, hundreds of thousands dead, PPE shortages, unemployment, election officials' lives being threatened because your husband is a big fucking sissy and can't accept that he lost....but all is great! Melania had a tennis court....my bad, tennis pavilion built!

You ma'am, are a world class cunt.

ETA 9:17PM: Apparently this was her response back in March when she first posted about it:

I encourage everyone who chooses to be negative & question my work at the @WhiteHouse to take time and contribute something good & productive in their own communities

We did. It's called we did our American duty and voted your asshole husband out of office. 

Here's some things to think about:

Photos show what happens when you get severe COVID-19 and why you don't want to get it now (yahoo.com)

Incarcerated Texans enlisted to work in county morgue as COVID-19 deaths overwhelm El Paso

Doctor recreates what COVID patients see in the moments before they die

And referencing a Canadian doctor, but not any less haunting:

'I care about you': Heart-wrenching image of Alberta ICU doctor sparks calls for more discipline in COVID-19 response

Fuck you, fuck your husband, fuck your stepchildren and biological child, fuck the entire administration. May you all burn in the deepest level of hell one day, you rotten sociopathic pieces of shit.

Random Thoughts

Gotta get through one more day, then it's another week long staycation for moi again! *throws confetti*

Another perk in addition to it being Friday and the last day before vacation- my FWA is off.

The other day when I was driving to work, I happened to put a station on that is mainly just talk (I only have it programmed right now because during the holidays they play Christmas music on the weekends) and the DJ was going on some rant about lock downs killing people and that something like 9 out of 10 people that have died of Covid are DNRs. I....what's your point there, Einstein? So we should just diminish their deaths because they were DNRs? No, they should not have been in that situation in the first place. 

And I'm still trying to understand how lock downs kill people. Seriously- someone explain this to me.

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

Another Thanksgiving down the tube. Nothing different. Much to my displeasure, it was still celebrated the usual way. I kept pushing to cancel it, but noo. We all pretty much stayed masked up, though some people got a little lazy throughout the night. I of course kept mine on the entire time (with the exception of eating of course). Luckily it was a fairly mild day, so I went around and opened up as many windows and doors as as I could to at least get some kind of filtration through the house. I don't know how much good that did, if any. 

I went for a walk a couple times after dinner and there were just cars parked everywhere, so clearly the old farts in my neighborhood gave no fucks about Covid. I can just image how the rest of the country was as well. I can't wait to see the Covid numbers in the next two weeks. The past couple weeks will probably be nothing.

I got an email in work the other day from one of my coworkers, she wants to have a glass painting party next week in our conference room, along with pizza and soda. I just shook my head. Like what part of WE'RE IN A FUCKING PANDEMIC does she not comprehend? I know she likes to go around talking about how stupid she is and she never has any idea what is going on in the world, but come the fuck on. I don't expect people to follow the news as much as I do, but these people that live in their own little naive bubbles....it's not cute. 

I love how the news is raving about how there is a light at the end of the tunnel with a vaccine possibly being distributed soon. Why am I going to get excited? If it's doled out the way it's predicted to be, with my age and my health, I'm going to have to wait forever to get it, if I choose to get it. I'd like to say I would, but the idea of it being produced so quickly is a little unsettling. I trust the science, but I don't trust that crooked administration to not bully the production and release of it. But who knows how I'll feel if it really does end up coming?

Ugh

I checked my county's dashboard of Covid cases for the day....almost 400 were reported today. I almost simultaneously had a stroke and heart attack. Our numbers were never even close to that back in the spring when Jersey was getting slammed. I don't even know if we ever hit 200 in a single day back then.

I'm dreading the holidays coming and then ending more than ever this year. Winter is hard enough to deal with. And it's not that I mind being in a lockdown and having to stay home. It's having to deal with the dreary long cold winter, with having to worry about a fucking virus on top of it. 

I was reading an article the other day about how in Texas prisoners are being paid to move dead bodies until the National Guard come in. There were pictures of the makeshift trailer morgues and just rows of white sheets covering bodies. I closed the article and felt like a hole had been shot through my soul. All of those unnecessary deaths. And what's our dear leader worried about? Golfing, whining, and suing. I hope Satan is building a special level of hell for him and everyone in his administration.

Article Of The Day

Christian Songwriter Is Fed Up With Believers Who Refuse To Wear Masks

I don't know who this chick is, but I like her.

Song Of The Day

The song that introduced me to this seriously underrated group four years ago (it was in some commercial for some upcoming show on FX or FXX or one of those stations, and it had that dude from that show with Hal from Malcolm in the Middle.....I know, my specificity knows no bounds)

 

 

Also, everyone who keeps trying to cover this song....stop. Just stop.

The Stupid Of The Day

As pandemic surges, Trump White House calls Thanksgiving restrictions 'Orwellian'

Hey Kayleigh (good god, that name alone makes me want to punch something), ask a quarter of a million Americans how they're enjoying their freedom right now! 

Random Thoughts

193,000 confirmed cases in the US yesterday. I'm afraid to even see what today's numbers are.

I often see people who are against mask wearing saying they're not sheep, etc. Okay, so maybe we mask wearers are, but who are the ones that believe every single thing that comes out of an obese orange sack of shit? Y'all follow everything that lying pile of shit says. Just like sheep. Just like us!

Another reason I can't wait for this administration to be gone is I can't wait until we don't have to see that damn press secretary's face anymore. My God, does she have a punchable face. Oh I'll never lie! And all she's done is LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE *breathes* LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE. 

And going back to my coworkers. That day we had the meeting regarding the new rules, my manager made some remark about not coming to work sick and we all know better anyway. Oh really? My coworkers rarely miss work if they're sick. And yes, even I am guilty of it, although most of the time I've went to work sick was either post-nasal drip or a sinus infection. I did go to work with the flu that time a few years ago, although in my defense I had no idea that is what I had until I was tested at the weekend. But these people will come to work with fevers, vicious coughs, and confirmed illnesses. Also, I can't wait until Thanksgiving is over (not really). I have no idea where these assholes are going to be, but I'm sure they're going to go about their business like nothing is going on in the world. So YAY, now I'll have that to worry about!

I've made it this far in the pandemic without having a nervous breakdown, although when our numbers started improving, my anxiety did as well. That is no longer the case. And considering this looks like it's going to be really bad, well, I don't know what's going to happen. I'll either trudge through it again or completely lose it.

Random Thoughts

Going back to Chump....let's discuss his "downplaying" of the virus. He likes to "downplay" it. What he is doing isn't downplaying, it's flat out LYING AND DENYING. Oh, it's going to go away. Oh, we're turning a corner. How long have we been hearing those phrases? And where are we right now? Over 10 million total cases. A mind-boggling 144,000 new cases yesterday. An even more mind-boggling 240,000+ deaths. California and Texas now have over a million cases. We flattened our curve in Joisey and now our numbers are blowing up again. Yeah, we're really turning a fucking corner here in the USA!

And what's the asshole doing now? Pissing, moaning, and sulking because he didn't win the election (gee, why EVER could that be). I honestly won't be the least bit surprised if he stops doing any presidential duties from now on, he's that much of a sore loser. He doesn't give a shit about anyone. I don't understand why his supporters can't understand that. Chump doesn't give a shit about anyone but Chump.

I've been on a clean-cation this week. Apparently I have a lot of time accumulated (I was under the impression I would lose time while I was furloughed, but apparently we're given the opportunity now to make it up), so I took off this week to CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN. Not what most people would consider a good and/or normal way to spend time off, but it's not like I have much of a life, especially now with the pandemic. And I don't mind cleaning. Totally not looking forward to going back to work on Monday, though.

Random Thoughts

I didn't doubt for one second that Chump was going to act like a complete and utter prick if he didn't win the election, but JFC, this is getting ridiculous. He didn't win, so it's automatically a crooked election? GTFOH. I'm so goddamn sick of that evil bastard and his evil bastard family. GO AWAY. 

And I'm so sick of this damn virus. And I'm sick of hearing everyone complain about how sick of it they are and they are just going to live their lives. Do you think the virus gives a fuck that we're tired of it? No. No, it does not! A Facebook friend posted some meme one day about not living your life in fear and just have the holidays because you never know if it will be someone's last. That's all fine and dandy and true to a point....but you can also make it someone's last by having the holidays and being or someone else being unknowingly infected! JFC, what do people not understand about ASYMPTOMATIC CASES???

And my coworkers....they're really starting to piss me off. Since our numbers are going up in Joisey, we've got some new rules in work. And the day it was announced, we had a group meeting and of course, it turned into a joke fest and everyone just laughing it all off. I work with quite a few people who are not what I would call particularly healthy, so perhaps maybe they should be taking it more seriously. Most are overweight, obese territory. Hypertension. The miserable old bitch is over 65, has diabetes, and had a heart attack last year. And unsurprisingly, she's the one that brushes it off the most. And most days when someone comes back to talk to me or sits near me, I feel like screaming WOULD IT KILL YOU TO PUT ON A FUCKING MASK?! 

I've had times where coworkers have asked me if I want them to put one on. I shouldn't have to be asked! Be respectful and just goddamn do it! It's not a nice thing to say by any means, but I've often said that if I were asymptomatic and passed it onto my coworkers, I would have a very hard time feeling bad about it.

I've been having a meltdown for the past couple of days because I ate in a restaurant on Saturday night. I've been on hyperalert. I wasn't happy about doing it, although I did my best to stay vigilant, e.g. kept my hands clean, didn't touch my face, kept a mask on the entire time except when eating or drinking. The million dollar question, the question I am constantly asking myself....was it enough? 

I can feel a headache brewing since earlier this evening and even though I've been getting them in relation to my cycle (I'm due for my period any day now) since long before Covid ever came around, I still can't help but worry. Having health-related anxiety and OCD during a pandemic is an absolute bitch.

Song Of The Day

 Lyrics are weird AF and can't particularly make sense of them....but the song is so damn catchy. Once again, thank you, Music Choice.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Song Of The Day

 All together now....IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN....eventually

Super Duper Mega UGH Part II

 So....are we ever going to have a winner in this election? Good God.

Super Duper Mega UGH

It's Election Day

 

Ugh

Yesterday, I was on my way home from work and waiting for the light to turn green so I could make a left turn on to the main road. After what seemed like a month of Sundays, the light turns green and I watch the car on the other side to make sure they definitely were making a left turn as well. When I am convinced they definitely are, I start to go out only to see something out the corner of my left eye and slam on my brakes. A car ran a dead red on the main road. Had I went out a couple seconds sooner, I would have been nailed on the driver's side. Pretty damn hard too. After a couple of seconds of getting my bearings, I made the turn and then pulled over a little ways up to start having a panic attack. I was shaking and crying and obviously very shook up. 

I should happen to point out that after 17 years I finally threw in the towel and got a new car in August.

Song Of The Day

 I only know a few songs by them, but my God do they make beautiful music:

UGH

Don’t panic, but you should be worried. N.J. COVID-19 stats trending in the wrong direction, expert says

 

Just....

Donald And Melania Trump Are Both Experiencing “Mild Symptoms” After Testing Positive for COVID-19

Song Of The Day

Going for a little Pure Moods mood again

Good God

Went down the shore today. Now I know that Cape May county is a pretty red county, but good God, driving it through it today....Chump signs everywhere. Chump signs as far as the eye can see.

OH HELL NO

GODDAMIT 2020, ENOUGH!

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg Has Died At 87

Random Thoughts

Is there ever going to be an end in sight to this damn pandemic? I'm beyond over it, as I am sure plenty of others are. I will forever wonder how bad it would have been in this country had we had someone competent in charge and not some vile pathological lying fat pussbag. 

And then these damn anti-maskers. I can't with them. Really, I want someone to explain to me how wearing a piece of material across your face is taking away MAH FREEDUMB and MAH RIGHTS, because I'm really failing to see how it does so. I don't know about anyone else, but I put mine on and then I go about my business. I go to the store, I go to work, etc. I do almost everything I did before, and the only reason I say almost is because there are things I am in no hurry to do and that's not because of wearing a mask. 

I wonder how many of these anti-maskers are good wittle Christians. Do you really think Jesus would have had a problem wearing a mask? I'm far from religious nowadays, but from what I recall from my days of CCD of what he did for humanity, I can't imagine the son of God having an issue with it. 

On another note....how is it September already? This year has only been a few centuries long.

Random Thoughts

Per annual tradition, I was down the shore for six days last week. At night, the boards were a social distancing nightmare. And a huge majority of the people not wearing masks and/or social distancing were teenagers. I always had a mask on when I was up on the boards, but it wasn't very reassuring.

Right before I left for vacation, I managed to resist taking my thermometer with me. However, as soon as I came home, I started right up again, although I can pat myself on the back over the fact that I have greatly reduced the amount of times I am taking my temperature a day from 8 to 2. Some days it might be 3 or 4, but still better and less stressful than taking it 8 times a day. And you better believe I'm going to keep on it until at least next Friday, when I am at what I assign the 14 day mark.

I can't even explain why I take my temperature. I know a high percentage of Covid patients have a fever as a symptom, but the fact that there are so many asymptomatic people as well kind of defeats the purpose of relying on taking my temperature as a judge to whether I could have it. Just because my temperature is normal doesn't mean I'm not carrying it. But it was just a compulsion I think I happened to pick up after my mom had a Covid exposure scare (the county health department requested that she email them her temperature twice a day) and haven't been able to break entirely.

Random Thoughts

Wow, I can't believe it's already been 8 years since I went to Musikfest and saw my boys. If I was allowed to choose a moment in life to relive, that would certainly be one of my top choices. Seeing them at the Electric Factory was pretty cool too, but it doesn't compare in any way to seeing them at Musikfest. For one, it was my first time seeing them live. And there was just something about the atmosphere up in Bethlehem and watching the concert with the Steel Stacks lit up behind at night....it was just so cool.

I've been putting off talking about it, but here goes....almost 3 Sundays ago, my beloved furry niece crossed the rainbow bridge. With her having various ailments, we all know it was inevitable. But that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. I can't stand not seeing her furry little bearded face anymore.

Almost everyone in work said something to me about losing her in some way or another....my FWA not being one of those people. No comment on Facebook, no remark in person, nothing at all. Kind of makes me want to ask her the next time she starts talking to me about her daughter why I really should give two flying fucks about her daughter when she couldn't even give a fuck to say something to me about losing someone who she's well aware was very important to me? And no, it's NEVER just a dog to me.

I never though it was possible for me to dislike people more. Then Covid 19 happened.

Ugh

My entire area is under a tropical storm warning, as what is currently hurricane Isaias is expected to hit tomorrow. Heavy rains, high winds, possible tornadoes....should be a fun day in work.

ETA 9:30PM: That was an eventful day. I was a nervous wreck for most of the morning, especially after this tornado watch was issued....FFS, look at the probability of two or more tornadoes. I saw numerous tornado warnings pop up, but luckily my area escaped any. We had a lot of rain and wind, but that was about it.

Now maybe tonight I can get a good night's sleep. I slept terribly last night, between worrying about Isaias and the ginormous thunderstorm that rolled through around 2:30.

Random Thoughts

So I will soon be through my first week back to work. It's....well, it's work.

My biggest shock is nobody is wearing masks. I can't understand why. The miserable old bitch said to me oh we're all okay in here. Oh really? So you are a Covid-19 test now? For someone who thinks she knows everything, she's apparently very blissfully unaware how ASININE it is to assume you're all okay. Or she's just that arrogant. I know I work with some dumb people, but this....this I just cannot comprehend.

And stupid me on Monday didn't keep mine on (save the lecture, I've been beating myself up plenty about it), but come Tuesday I said fuck this, I'm not messing around and wore mine the entire day as well as all of today. And will continue to do so. I'm not taking any chances in such a little place.

Also, today we had patients in (and to make matters worse, we had two doctors on schedule; why on earth in the middle of a fucking pandemic when people are supposed to be distanced from each other we would allow more than one doctor in boggles my mind) and at one point, I took a break to run out to my car and I almost screamed when I went in the waiting room. Now it's a small waiting room, maybe about 7 or 8 chairs at the most, but....almost every seat was filled. It was a social distancing nightmare.

Whenever I'm out and look around at everyone with masks on, for some reason it makes me feel sad. I don't really know why. It just does. Just like one day I watched a Domino's delivery person do a no-contact delivery at the house across the street from me and it made me feel sad for him. I don't know why. And in a way seeing people with masks on or social distancing is kind of touching. It makes me want to go up to people and say thank you. Thank you for doing your part in protecting your fellow humans.  

Random Thoughts

Guess who is going back to work tomorrow? This bitch. Because nothing in my mind can ever make a damn bit of sense, I was depressed and bored being home. Now I'm depressed about going back. I am pleased to be getting back into a routine, though. And highly relieved that I am being brought back.  

I was invited to a small cookout last Sunday and since then, I have been in overdrive of keeping an eye out for any potential symptoms. And believe me, every single little ill feeling, ache or pain, tickle in the throat or chest is a major cause for concern. And not helping matters is my period ended this past week, and typically after my period ends, I end up feeling somewhat under the weather.

Although it's been going on periodically for awhile now, I get this funny feeling in my chest like I'm going to start coughing heavily, but nothing ever comes. I often wonder if it's related to having reflux. I just hope I haven't let it go untreated so long that I've reached the point where I'm actually starting to aspirate acid into my lungs, although that's what I would get for not treating it for so damn long.

Although I have finally started treating it and now I'm having issues getting my medication. FML.

Song Of The Day

Lord knows I've heard this song a million times before, but for some reason I've been obsessed with it since the weekend:

Quote Of The Day

From the Palast Report email I received today:

"I get it: You’re stunned you elected an orange-stained, gelatinous bag of malicious mendacity, a snorting porcine pustule of bloviating bigot hinged to grasping little griplets, a bloated ball of gracelessness and cry-baby petulance as President of the United States."

I don't think I have ever heard Chump described so perfectly. Well done, Mr. Palast. 

Random Thoughts

I've been PMSing like a lumberjack for the past two weeks and finally on Wednesday night, it started to come in. It's been a miserable two days. It's heavy, non-stop cramps, dizziness, you name it. Woke up in the middle of the night last night and got my head off my pillow just in time before blood started pouring out of my left nostril (for the past year or so, I've been occasionally getting unilateral nose bleeds during menstrual periods, usually the left side; I highly suspect they're hormonal related because it's the only time I get them).

Anyway, so in the grand tradition of things, my tolerance for everything is even lower than usual. Cue Wednesday. I get the mail and there is an envelope from the Minute Clinic addressed to me. I open it to find a bill from my visit in freaking January telling me my service is not covered and I owe $89 after the $50 copay I paid back when I visited. I pulled up my insurance account and much to my surprise there was no claim submitted for that date of service. My prescription was there, but not the visit. Meaning someone billed something wrong. I called my insurance and spoke with someone, who agreed with what I was guessing went wrong, and he was trying to get through to CVS to have someone resubmit the bill to the proper place. He was having trouble getting through (the wait time was ridiculously long) so he called me back and said he would try again first thing the next morning. I still haven't heard back.

Cue Thursday. In the beginning of the month, I received two bills regarding anesthesia services I received from my endoscopy, one for $141 and one for $28.20. I promptly filled out checks for both bills and mailed them out. Both checks are reflected on my banking statement as paid. On Thursday, I receive a last and final notice bill for $141. I contacted the company. I still haven't heard back. Cue today. I go out to see what I got in the mail and there is another bill sitting there for me. I picked it up and thought, I swear to God, if I open it to find a bill for $28.20, I'm going to go postal. Sure enough, that's exactly what it was. I didn't actually go postal, but I wanted to. I didn't even bother calling today because I was just in no damn mood to speak to anyone.

Then this past Saturday, I put in a refill request for my famotidine. I received a text that they would contact me when it was available, as apparently it's out of stock. I go online to check my account and find I have no pending refills and that my famotidine is back to being available for refill request. So I request it again, and later on I receive a text telling me the pharmacy is going to contact my doctor for an alternative medicine. No reason why, e.g. it's still out of stock, etc. I don't want an alternative medicine. I want f-ing famotidine.

I'm also getting stressed out over why my body temperature has been running higher than usual the past week, unless it's related to my period. I don't know what it is, and it's making me crazy. Taking my temperature so many times a day is making me crazy. EVERYTHING is making me crazy.

Random Thoughts

Every time I hear the song "Margaritaville" now, I think of my endoscopy, because for some reason it was blasting in the operating room. I heard it the other day and then for some reason, I thought of when I was up at the registration desk. Now mind you this was not long after the beginning of Covid 19 in the country (I don't even think was declared a pandemic yet), and I distinctly remember the lady checked me in brushing it off and saying she thinks it'll all be over by Easter. Last time I checked it's July, and it's still here.

I don't think I will ever get over the fact that we, America, have royally fucked this up so bad and continue to do so. We have a bumbling buffoon for a president, with an equally buffoonery administration. We have equally buffoonery Trumpers who think this is a hoax or not as bad as it's made out to be. People who refuse to wear masks. If facial masks seriously were harmful, do you think surgical staffs would continue to be alive right now? Come on now! Little shitheads packing in to bars or clubs like fucking anchovies in the Krusty Krab. Little shitheads throwing Covid 19 parties and rewarding whoever gets diagnosed first.

Another thing that pisses me off are these politicians complaining that the extra unemployment payment is keeping people from returning to work, as most are making more than when they are working. Well, some of us can't return to work until OUR JOBS BRING US BACK. Sure, I'm not going to lie, the extra money is a bit nice, but I had a set routine going and I would like to get back to that routine. Or something close to it. Honestly, I'm not too concerned over how long the furlough lasts or even if I'm brought back full-time, I just want the reassurance of having my job back at some point and in some way, shape, or form. No matter how much I hate it, I need to work. I have to have something to get me out of the house and occupy me.

WHY

WHO says 'we cannot let our guard down' after China pigs study

SMDH

S. Dakota gov says 'we will not be social distancing' at Mount Rushmore event with Trump

I....I can't with this country anymore.

Random Thoughts

Earlier I ran some errands with my mom and when I came home, it was about time for a temperature check. Much to my surprise and displeasure, it was 99.1. I did not have anything to drink or eat for a while, so it was definitely not that. It might have been due to the hot weather. No matter what, I still panicked. I waited about 15-20 minutes and took it again. Still 99.1. I gave it another 30 minutes and took it again, and it was down to 98.6. I tried another thermometer and it was also 98.6. A little while later, it was 98.3. At 7PM (I tend to take it on the hour), it was 98.6. And at that point, I had just gotten out of the shower about 40 minutes prior. At 8PM, it again read 99.1, and predictably I melted down. At 9PM, it was 98.1.

And just to note, I do realize I am overdoing it in taking my temperature and that I am well aware of the fact that I going to get different readings throughout the day. But this is the fun of having OCD, and even those of us with the damn disorder cannot make logic of our fears and compulsions. I can't give any rhyme or reason as to why I have to take my temperature so many times a day. I just do, or else I'll freak out.

This past Wednesday, my father complained he was feeling nauseous, and then later that night threw up several times. It only lasted a few hours and hasn't happened again. His temperature was normal anytime it was taken. The only thing he's been complaining about is decreased appetite. I don't know if it was a stomach bug or possible food poisoning or what it was, but it has had me nervous. My first thought was Covid. I still worry about that of course and have been keeping a closer eye than usual on everyone. 

Of course Covid is the first thing I am worrying about regarding my raised temperature readings earlier, but I am also worried because for the past month or so, I keep getting this pain in my upper right back, like right around the love handle area, about a couple inches above where the kidney is. It generally happens when I sometimes might move a certain way or even sometimes when I breathe in. Sometimes it just comes without doing anything. I'm worried that something there could be contributing to the raised temperatures. I would think if it was gallbladder related, I would also have pain in the front, as well as more consistent pain. But who knows. All I know is I am sick of worrying, worrying, worrying.

Song Of The Day

Really annoyed that I can't seem to be able to buy a copy of this song without purchasing the entire soundtrack, because it's really fucking awesome. It's so 80's, while I was listening to it, my already rats nest of hair morphed into Aqua Net hair, my t-shirt turned into a neon body suit, and a pair of neon leggings and leg warmers mysteriously appeared on my legs. It would also make an absolute kick-ass workout song (and yes, I only know it from the opening couch gag of The Simpsons, I've never seen Scarface):

Song Of The Day

I miss the Cadillac commercial playing this song:

Random Thoughts

The other day my sister sent me a text message of a Facebook post from my FWA's boyfriend praising her for working everyday during the pandemic while raising two kids. First off, the fact that he is actually capable of praising her is shocking, since it seems like he gets his jollies putting her down. This is the same person who told her she was getting fat at one point (may I remind ya'll that he's a good 300 pounds plus).

Second off, seriously? Like millions of other Americans haven't been working from home and raising their demon spawns? I seriously believe that she seriously believes she should be compensated extra money for working during a pandemic. No, no you don't. Truly essential people do. Not your fucking ass.

And that reminds me of the times before I've heard her bitching about fast food workers wanting to be paid $15 an hour. She doesn't believe they deserve to be paid as much as her for all she does. First off bitch, you have a fucking high school diploma. That's it. Nothing wrong with that of course, but stop acting like you're this highly educated individual in some highly regarded position. Because you're not. Second off, those people work their fucking asses off. Probably more than she's ever done in her entire life. I could never handle working fast food, and I give those people A FUCK TON of credit for what they do. And for somebody that makes sure she stops for some type of fast food at least once a day, she should see and have some kind of appreciation of the work they do. But when you're so high on your own damn farts you won't. 

Song Of The Day

I don't think there is one song by them I dislike:

The Stupid Of The Day

Trump on coronavirus testing: ‘If we stopped testing right now, we’d have very few cases, if any’

Random Thoughts

So NJ has officially entered phase 2 of its reopening plan. I'm honestly envious of everyone ready for this, because I am nowhere near ready to venture out like before. I'm still at the point of wanting to hide under my bed and not come out, but we all know I'm a big chicken shit anyway.

My manager texted me last week to see how I was doing, but I have still yet to hear anything else. No word on my benefits, possible return to work, nothing. I'm getting frustrated and unfortunately I'm stubborn and refuse to remind people I exist. I'd like to contact another coworker who has been furloughed, but I either do not have a contact source or I do not feel comfortable enough with the person to contact them.

For the past few weeks, my back and hips have been hurting. Not anything to affect my activities of daily living too much, but enough to be immensely uncomfortable. My entire pelvis just aches. My left thigh also is hurting. And considering I tend to get this discomfort (I've had it before) at certain times in my cycle (usually ovulation time and right around my period), it really and truly makes me wonder about endometriosis. Now that I've finally experienced being under anesthesia, I'm a little less nervous about undergoing a laparoscopy for endometriosis. The issue will be finding someone willing to test me for it.

And for the love of God, I better make sure I get it pre-authorized if needed!

Song Of The Day

Good God

What in the HELL is going on with this year? Jesus, take the wheel already!

Song Of The Day

Hands down my favorite song off of Little Dark Age:

Random Thoughts

More than I'd like, there's many things that bother me that I don't understand why they do so. My one coworker, the one who claims to tell it like it is, we're pretty cool for the most part, although I have to say as a coworker, she gets under my skin very much. Also, I don't understand how someone who complains about different noises so much can be such a noisy person herself. Every time she collates papers, I want to take the stack and smack her on the head with it. But this isn't why I'm bringing her up. She typically "likes" a lot of things I post on Facebook, but for the past almost two months, she hasn't liked anything. And I know we're still friends, because I see her posts. I don't understand it, because I can't think of anything I might have done. Especially because, ya know, I HAVEN'T EVEN FREAKING BEEN IN WORK. Sure, there's been some posts I've made regarding the pandemic that might have been a little heated, but I can't see anything in them that would have offended her. And it's annoying me that this is bothering me. It's only fucking Facebook.

Look, I'm the first person to admit that I am a whiny immature catty bitch, but I graduated high school almost 18 years ago. I'm not here for this high school drama shit anymore. I dealt with it at the temp job I was working at right before I was admitted to the hospital (an assistant manager and the girl who trained me did not like each other, and I inadvertently got dragged into the middle of their drama).  

If, and I know there are probably many, people find me annoying, just remember this....nobody, and I mean nobody, finds me more annoying than me. I was freaking out one day over something stupid, and at some point I stopped and said to my mother that thank god I don't plan on ever getting married, because I would make someone's life a living hell because I'm so goddamn anal retentive.

All my local news has been talking about this weekend (after the constant Covid coverage) is the shore. I've finally gotten to the point where I want to go down really bad, although I am still overly nervous about going anywhere. The whole staying home part of the pandemic hasn't bothered me much, since before it even came about I never went anywhere much anyway. I really only ever went out if I needed to, and even then if I went in a store, I got what I needed and was out the door in no time. However, the lack of being able to just get in the car to go somewhere I need to go to without worrying about catching the virus is what is mainly frustrating. I'm terrified to touch anything, and although wearing a mask makes me a little less anxious, it doesn't help a whole lot. I'm always worried if I have on right, tight enough, etc.

I honestly don't understand the whole big deal about wearing masks. For the most part I like wearing one (I think I like covering my face). Yes, it can be uncomfortable at times, but you know what else is uncomfortable? Not being able to breathe. Being on a ventilator. Being alone in a hospital room without your family.

All I know is when and if this pandemic is ever over, I never want to hear the terms "social distancing", "quarantine" (unless I'm putting a computer virus in it), "difficult times", "challenging times", "unprecedented times", "these times", etc EVER AGAIN. Do not hesitate to point out if I missed any.

ETA 5/25: How on earth could I forget one of the phrases that grinds my gears the most? "We're in this together" or "we're all in this together". No, no we are NOT all in this together.

Song Of The Day

Might as well as make two posts while I'm at:

Random Thoughts

I'm really starting to get pissed with work now. As far as I last knew, my benefits were being paid through the end of April, then they would make a decision on what to do. May is more than half over and I have still yet to hear from anyone about what's going on with benefits, resumption of work, etc, anything at all. Was I forgotten about or something? It wouldn't be the first time I have been forgotten for things. Hell, there's even been times in work where my manager (supposedly) forgot to include me in meetings. Not even joking.

I mean, I can totally understand how people can forget me if I'm not physically in their presence, because for the most part I am extremely quiet when I'm around people. But then a part of me is like, if I have to remind people I exist, that's problematic. And it shouldn't be my responsibility to remind people I exist.

I know I am reaching the point where I'm taking this being furloughed far too personally now. I've always been taking it personally, but now a lot more than originally. I don't know why I am, but I just am. It's making me feel completely wretched, a loser, more proof that I'm a failure at life, you name it.

Video Of The Day

Seriously one of the funniest Spongebob scenes ever:

Random Thoughts

My tolerance for being furloughed is about to be reached.

I hate feeling this way, but I am starting to take being furloughed far too personally. Like it's bad enough the company laid me off before, then I just so happened to have to be chosen to be furloughed as well? It's been over a month, I got one text from my manager, and that was just to say hi and she misses me. Otherwise, nothing. I have no idea what the hell is even going on. And of course my mind is starting to really go to town, and I'm staring to get really scared that they're just going to decide to lay me off permanently.

I decided when I was first furloughed that I was going to try to stick with my normal routine as much as possible. But as my anxiety levels skyrocketed and my mood plummeted, it ended up not happening. I've been rolling out of bed no earlier than 10, and even that's a major effort. I have to force myself out of bed. I go to bed every night hoping something takes me during the night, but alas I still wake up every morning. I knew when I was feeling kind of good (possible hypomania?) back in the fall and early winter that a crash was inevitably going to come; however, I did not expect one this bad to happen.

And to add to everything I am already anxious about (which is basically everything), my mother is constantly complaining to me that she's worried about her stomach being so bloated and worried about having cancer, and I'm just ready to blow my brains out. I just can't even fathom that right now.

Oh, and I received an EOB a few weeks ago from my insurance that my endoscopy was denied due to not having preauthorization. Now maybe I should have found out about that before having the procedure done, but in my defense, any time I have needed preauthorization, the doctor's office always obtained it. Neither the doctor's office nor the surgical facility looked into it. If I have to pay for this, it's over $5,000.

Song Of The Day

While I will never argue that "Unchained Melody" and "You've Lost That Loving Feeling" aren't great songs, this to me will always be the ultimate Righteous Brothers song:

Random Thoughts

I was hoping a day would never come where I would have to say this, but I officially now not only personally know people with Covid-19, but I now know someone who has passed from this horrible virus.

I have read a few articles in the past of medical personnel who have dealt with the deaths of Covid-19 patients and to say the articles left me nothing short of completely rattled is an understatement. Reading how these poor people die without even being able to have family with them is utterly heart-wrenching.

A couple of weekends ago my FWA posted some meme picture complaining about how people who are on an unemployment getting an extra $600 a week while essential people are getting paid the same and risking their lives. I saw multiple shades of red. Not at the statement itself so much but at the fact of her posting it.

First off, it's adorable that she really thinks she's that essential. She's not out risking her life. She's sitting on her ass at home working, so she can stop acting like she's some kind of goddamn martyr for essential workers. Second, she's Ms. loves to take advantage of every little thing. If anything, she's probably pissed off that she wasn't furloughed and able to collect employment and get the extra money. Third, her beast boyfriend got fired back in the winter. Which means more than likely he's getting unemployment. If he's getting the extra $600, you're seriously going to tell me she has a problem with that? Hold on while I choke to death laughing. 

The Headline Of The Day

Texas Lt. Gov. On Reopening U.S. Economy: 'More Important Things Than Living'

But if we're not living....if we're dead....oh hell

Article Of The Day

The comments are priceless:

'I had to go through it': Trump says he was a 'victim' of the COVID-19 test and referred to it as 'an operation'

Random Thoughts

Despite the tornado watch on Monday, we ended up having a lot of rain, wind, some thunder, then the sun came out. Thankfully no tornado warnings or actual tornadoes. The chest heaviness and constantly feeling like I need to take a deep breath has eased up as well, so I'm going to guess (and hope) it was period-related.

I've often said before that every time I go through a health crisis, the next one that comes along always makes me long for the one before, like how I was so scared of having an ulcer/h. Pylori before but would much rather be worried about that than Covid 19. I shudder to think what will come after this is all done and over with.

If it ever is.

Monday night I had a mild headache in the forehead area. I eventually went to bed hoping that it would go away overnight like my headaches typically do. However, when I woke up on Tuesday, I still had lingering pain and at some point it shifted to the right side of my head. By lunchtime, the pain was increasing with certain movements of my head and I started to think that it was going to turn into a migraine if I didn't take anything soon. I've been trying to avoid taking any pain medication for fear of it interfering with my temperature taking (yes, seriously), but I finally caved in and took Pamprin (I was having cramps as well). About an hour after I took it, I don't know what the hell happened, but I got really shaky and weird-feeling, and I also got incredibly nauseous which made me super anxious that I was going to throw up. And the headache eased up while all that was happening. It was weird, and I was pretty shook up the rest of the day. I've still been pretty shook up over it, because of course the only thing I'm thinking is omg it's Covid 19. Having a very mild headache today (this time on the left side and mostly around the eye) isn't helping matters any.

Ugh

I don't know what seems to cause it (lack of sleep, etc), but I tend to have good and then really bad days with my anxiety/OCD levels. Today is the latter. A very bad one.

And to top it off, my area is under a severe weather threat today, with a high wind warning and a tornado watch, so that's only adding to my already high anxiety levels.

Song Of The Day

I can't believe it's already been almost three years since I first heard this song (no, I don't know it from 13 Reasons Why, I never watched it):

Random Thoughts

I'm already beyond tired of being furloughed. I can't stand not having work to distract me. I still have no idea if my unemployment has been approved so I can start claiming benefits. I also know of at least a few people who were not furloughed, one being none other than my FWA. Because of course she wasn't. She's a defiant little brat yet somehow always manages to come out on top. It's so damn infuriating.

All day I've had an ungodly tickle in my throat. I feel like I was punched in the center of my chest, it feels heavy and ticklish, and I keep feeling like I have to take a deep breath. Of course I've been melting down all day that it could be Covid. I am due for my period tomorrow, which is starting to come on albeit slower than molasses, so I'm hoping it's just due to that, but it's still not very comforting. I have of course been taking my temperature obsessively, and the highest it's been today was 98.3, but even having no fever is not very reassuring.

On top of my sky-high anxiety/OCD levels, my depression levels are so damn bad right now, I'm having a very hard time dealing with all of my feeling. I can't stand not being able to see people normally. I'm tired of feeling so scared, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of everything. I swear if I wasn't so afraid of going (as well as how much it would cost me), I would seriously contemplate admitting myself to a psychiatric facility.

And to be honest, I have been feeling a lot more suicidal than normal; the only good thing is, I'm so terrified of going to a medical hospital that it's keeping me from actually harming myself for fear that if I'm not successful, I will end up at a hospital where Covid germs are swarming like a bunch of fucking roaches.

Random Thoughts

Like I'm sure many others are, I'm Covid-exhausted. I'm tired of hearing about it on the TV, seeing it on the internet, talking about it, worrying about it. God, just go away already.

I'm also sick of celebrities. Yes, the general population so needs lessons on how to stay home from overpaid egotistical assholes with 10,000 square feet mansions. Take several seats and STFU.

Sorry, I'm PMSing and I'm beyond exhausted from worrying so much and having distressing thoughts. I feel like one of these days I'm just going to implode.

Fucking Hell

I know I've been assured that my job is going to be there for me when this is all over, but I still can't help but feel salty over being furloughed. Especially wondering who was NOT furloughed. 

I watch Litton's Weekend Adventure every weekend and at one point, a news brief broke in with Governor Murphy announcing the latest Covid-19 rate (34,124), as well as 200 new deaths. And then he started to read some of the names of the deceased and I started to cry so hard. I just felt so bad. All completely unnecessary deaths. I don't doubt that Covid would have came to the country regardless, but it should have been handled a hell of a lot better than how that evil incompetent piece of shit in office handled it.

I've hated Chump since the day he was sworn into office, but I don't think I could possibly hate someone more than I hate him right now. Except maybe that little shit Jared. Stupid little fucking prick. I hope the entire family rots in the deepest levels of hell. The only person I feel [slightly] sorry for is Barron, poor kid is surrounded by nothing but piss-poor male role models.

Good God

Day one of furlough- already ready to lose my mind. It's hard to have nothing to do. I read all of my library books and unfortunately didn't get a chance to get there again to stock up before it was closed. There's only so many times I can clean the house or my car or anyone else's cars. I could be watching movies (been wanting to watch "KITH: Brain Candy"), but I'm so anxious and restless, I have a hard time sitting and watching anything. So what do I do? Go on the internet. And read Covid-related headline after headline. In between taking my temperature 5,387 times a day.

I keep saying I can't wait for this to be over, which I truly can't, but I strongly believe even when it's over, my anxiety/OCD levels are not going to diminish. I can't deny going out in public and being around people wasn't a bit of a problem before Covid-19 ever was even a term, but I don't think I'm ever going to feel comfortable being out in public and around people for a very long time, if ever.

Lord knows I've had many experiences with bad anxiety/OCD, notably my fear of having MS being so bad it was making me suicidal, eventually leading to a week-long stay in a psychiatric facility. I would say my anxiety/OCD levels are about par with that; however, what makes this infinitely worse is it doesn't just affect me. Being fearful of having MS, it was just worrying about me having it. I didn't have to worry about having it and spreading to others, potentially risking their lives. And I can't deny that there are days my fears of having Covid and spreading it to others become so unbearable that I just want to get into my car and floor it into a wall.

Random Thoughts

I found out today I am being temporarily furloughed. I will be brought back at some point, but obviously with all that is going on, there is no known date. I can't say I'm terribly upset (at least I qualify for unemployment and before anyone wants to slam unemployment, I am going to be paying 10% taxes on my unemployment earnings, as I did last time I collected unemployment), but at the same time I'm irked, mostly because I can't help but wonder....everyone who was on the call today, are we the only ones being furloughed? Because so help me god, if I find out my FWA is still being kept on, I'm going to bloody scream.

And the worst part is, working helped to get my mind off the pandemic somewhat. It kept me from reading article after article, or doing anything else related, and now I will no longer have that distraction. My anxiety, OCD, and health anxiety levels are going to flare up so bad. 

Every single day our Covid-19 count in NJ just jumps higher and higher. I know we're densely populated, but JFC for such a stupid little state to have so many damn cases is ridiculous.

Last night around 8, I took my temperature and it was 99. That was all I needed to see. I burst into tears and though I didn't have a full panic attack, I was hyperventilating pretty bad. It did go down later on, and because of that, I've taken my temperature a total of 13 times so far today. It's been in the normal range (but still higher than typical), although it was 99.1 at around 8, nearly leading to the same reaction.

Random Thoughts

So I have finally been moved to work from home. Today was my first day. I was also forced to take two days off due to lack of work. A lack of work yet somehow we are still considered "essential". Sure. Essential to the executives who need another home or luxury vehicle.

Having GAD/OCD/health anxiety during this Covid-19 pandemic is like the 9th layer of hell. I'm about one foot in the grave, one foot on a banana peel away from a complete nervous breakdown. I can't stand thinking of how much contamination there is. I'm still taking my temperature multiple times; I've taken it 7 times today, which is a slight improvement compared to some days, but still...come on, what normal person does that?

Every slight ill feeling automatically equates to Covid-19. Every headache, every bit of nausea, every throat tickle, etc. And even though my stomach has felt better, I am still feeling that tight heavy feeling in my chest and feeling like I constantly have to take a deep breath, which makes me more anxious about Covid, the rise in anxiety makes the feelings worse, and it's a never-ending cycle that feeds into each other. Every time one of my parents coughs or anything, I start getting more anxious.

This whole Covid-19 situation is gear-grinding, but these asshats that are continuing to defy the lockdowns are really to piss me the hell off. What in the love of all that is holy is so goddamn difficult to understand about STAYING THE HOME?! YOU might not care if you get it, but this isn't about you! This is a HIGHLY contagious disease, this is about everyone else you can infect! This could be your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, healthcare workers, a cancer patient or other immunocompromised person, first responders, grocery store workers, restaurant workers, and anyone else you might come into contact with.

JFC JUST STAY THE FUCK HOME!

Song Of The Day

I only know this song and "Cautionary Tale", but dude's got some catchy stuff:

Good God

My anxiety/OCD levels over this Covid 19 shit is getting to the point that I myself am actually starting to get concerned over my own well-being. More than once I have contemplated harming myself. More than once I have asked myself, do I need to seriously consider admitting myself to the hospital? Then it occurs to me how much Covid could be lurking in a hospital and I start freaking out over the realization that there really is NO safe place whatsoever for me to go. 

I've had headaches all week, and today my throat and chest feel ticklish and like I need to cough but none ever comes. I've been such a mess all day over this. I don't know if it's anxiety or reflux or worst case scenario Covid, but my anxiety levels certainly aren't helping matters. Yesterday, I can't even begin to tell you how much times I took my temperature. I lost count. I'd say it was at least almost every hour. Today I had to fight the compulsion to do it, but it was still numerous times. My temperature has been fine, but of course there is that little niggling thought in the back of my head- is my thermometer working properly?

I don't think that the fact that cases in my state have literally EXPLODED in the past few days has helped matters by any means. Not to mention 3 cases have officially hit my town. The sole fact of me getting it doesn't terrify me nearly as much as the fact of me getting it and spreading it to a loved one. If I got it and spread it to a loved one, I would never be able to forgive myself.

OCD In The Time Of Covid-19

It's extremely difficult, but I'm doing everything in my power to keep it together.  It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this and plenty of people are with me in being scared, but for those of us with any type of mental illness, it's unbearable. A month ago, worrying that I had H. pylori and/or peptic ulcers....that pales in comparison to this. I honestly would take it over worrying about Covid-19.

Every time I feel a little less than stellar, I'm on high alert. My throat has been tickling me for the past few days and I'm panicking over it. Any body ache, nausea, fatigue etc is an invitation to meltdown time. I'm constantly taking my temperature. I was in work earlier and I felt crappy and all I kept thinking was I need to take my temperature. Except I had no thermometer. I had to do everything in my power to keep from having a complete and utter meltdown. Washing, sanitizing, Lysoling, Chlorox wiping....and it's just NEVER enough to give me somewhat of a peace of mind. Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I doing it right?

It's all so fucking exhausting. The only thing I have no complaint about this all is the whole social distancing thing. It's a blessing and a half when you're socially anxious weirdo.

*Screams Internally*

In all of the years of having OCD, I never imagined mine would go down the path of fear of germs and contamination. But here I am, on the brink of losing my mind completely. No matter how much hand washing, sanitizing, Lysoling, Chlorox wiping, etc, it's never enough. Everywhere I look, all I can wonder is how many germs are on that service, is Covid-19 on there, was it on something I touched, was someone I was in close contact with infected with it? I can't stand it. I'm about to lose my fucking mind.

Random Thoughts

So (knock on wood) my stomach has been feeling much better. No more burning hunger feeling, no early satiety, etc. And not that I am complaining, but....why? Why is it feeling better now? Is it the stronger Pepcid prescription? It's odd that it improved towards the end of my period....were my hormones that out of whack and my period stabilized them? Or was it just the doxy and whatever it did to my stomach has finally healed? And the sad thing is, I'll probably never know.

I'm still waiting for the pathology report, but from what I read of my procedure report, everything looked good. And what surprises me most of all, with my family history of them and my long history of reflux, there is no mention of a hiatal hernia in the report. I of all people would have expected to have one.

But in the grand tradition of things, my relief in anxiety is short-lived. Folks, I'm freaking out over this Covid-19. And today it was announced that two people in my county have presumptive cases of it, not helping matters by any means. And it's not even so much that I'm worried about myself having it. I'm worried about getting it and passing it on to my family. That's what scares the living hell out of me. Before all of this blew up, I was starting to have issues with leaving the house, and this is just exacerbating it. Any time I'm out, I'm on edge so bad. In work, I'm a mess. This is going to blow my anxiety levels into the fucking stratosphere.  

Random Thoughts

So I did it. I went through my first upper endoscopy, as well as my first experience with anesthesia. It was truly bizarre receiving anesthesia. You're awake one minute, then struggling to stay awake, next thing you know you're waking up in post-op. I'm relieved to say that ulcers have been ruled out. I still have to wait for my biopsy results, though, so not completely away from the edge yet.

And if my biopsy results come back negative, then what in the hell caused all of this? I've never felt anything like what I've been feeling in my stomach. Was it the doxy? Hell, I honestly wouldn't be the least bit surprised if my hormones were behind it, because I'm pretty sure I threw them out of whack during the holidays.

And as if this should come as a big surprise to anyone who knows my history of health-related obsessions....I'm fucking bugging over this coronavirus shit. I've said many times before that despite having OCD, I'm not particularly obsessed with germs, but I could see this instigating it. And now knowing it's in my state, I'm starting to get real freaked out.

Random Thoughts

So....my doctor's appointment the other day. The doctor was nice, but I felt kind of rushed and never really got to tell the entire story of when all of this started, so that left me a little frustrated. He put me on Pepcid 40 mg twice a day, and I'm scheduled for an upper this upcoming Wednesday. I'm anxious AF to have it done, but I'm also nervous AF about having it done because one, I've never been under anesthesia and two, I'm scared what may be found.

Song Of The Day

My God, this song is so catchy. I don't know who ILoveMakonnen is, but I like his voice. And although I am not a Fallout Boy fan (I like a few songs by them), I rather enjoy Patrick Stump's voice.

Song Of The Day

Why is this band not bigger?

Random Thoughts

I was feeling somewhat good yesterday. I don't know what the hell happened. I woke up and I was so bloated I could barely breathe. Add in the heavy feeling in my chest and constantly feeling like I need to take a deep breath and I'm fucking miserable. I'm sitting here and having such a difficult time breathing. My stomach is one big distended hard ball. I look like I'm about to give birth. My chest is on fire, my throat feels irritated, and I'm nauseous. I also have a bit of a nasty sour taste in my mouth.

Five more days. I might not get an answer but at least I'll be closer to possibly being scoped. I never thought a day would come where I would say I can't wait to undergo an endoscopy. I'm so goddamn anxious and stressed over all of this. I can't concentrate for anything, which in turn is making me worry I'm screwing up in work, thus making my stress and anxiety levels even higher. The anxiety and stress is more than likely exacerbating any of the symptoms I'm feeling. I'm scared every time I eat. I might not even have an ulcer, but if my stress and anxiety keeps running at maximum levels, I'm ultimately going to end up giving myself one.

I so badly want to take the Carafete and/or Protonix to see how they work, but I'm so scared of the side effects, I keep avoiding them. 

On a positive note- Mom did very well with her surgery.

"Father Figure" just came on. I still think about that dream every time I hear it. It bugs me to no end that I really cannot remember anything about it, just that I was in some big theater-type place and the song was playing, so why it haunts me so much is a real head-scratcher.

Song Of The Day

Just a little song from little Bruce

Random Thoughts

The upside- my grandfather does not have cancer.

The downside- I still have to get through Monday, when my mother has surgery for the 50,000th time. 

I'm also still a mental case about what is going on with my digestive system. What's really making me anxious is this heavy feeling in my chest, like I constantly need to take a deep breath that is never satisfying. I also feel like I've been punched in the chest. The weird thing is that heavy feeling in my chest, I typically feel that that before I get my period.

And every so often, I start feeling discomfort in my stomach when I'm eating, almost like a full feeling, but usually once I belch I feel somewhat better. And it makes me anxious, because as I've said before, I never get full. And sometimes when I'm eating or after, I get a very slight but still noticeable feeling in my left upper quadrant that feels like that stitch pain you get when you don't breathe right while exercising.

Pepcid gives me mild to moderate relief, but it's far from perfect. However, it did a damn good job of getting rid of that horrible taste from the back of my throat. That was terrible. It seriously felt and tasted like something died in the back of my throat.

I still have to get through another 10 days until I see the GI. And even then I'm still going to be stuck in an anxiety-wracked limbo wondering what is going on until I get scoped. Even then, will I have an answer? And it still never ceases to amaze me how much more scared I am of being told I have H. pylori or an ulcer than being told I have cancer.

Song Of The Day

 "I don't want to feel anxious anymore...."

Random Thoughts

Pretty much the following day after my last post, the burning hunger feeling started creeping back in, and I ended up scheduling an appointment with my primary the next day. I got the expected GI referral, as well as two prescriptions, one for Carafate and one for Protonix. I have both in my possession but yet to take any. Because I'm terrified of the side effects.

The same day as my appointment, the burning hunger feeling and nausea started to become so unbearable that I finally caved and took a Pepcid. I've been taking two a day for the past week and haven't noticed any increased anxiety or aches, so I'm guessing maybe it was not the Pepcid causing that before. As for what was, I have no idea. It's not perfect but Pepcid does seem to keep a lot of the acid in check, although right now I'm not feeling too hot. Not to mention it seemed like the issues with constipation were going away but did not have any luck today.

I have an appointment with a GI in two weeks. I'm very anxious about it but also quite desperate to go. Although I'm scared what might result from it, I'm very much anxious to be scoped already.

Random Thoughts

I went to see my grandparents today. My grandmom is mega emotional and burst into tears as soon as we came in the door. I know they're both in their 90's, but sheesh seeing them look the way they do is tough.  Same with my parents, my furry niece, etc.

Getting old really freaking blows.

Since I started taking Prozac, I feel like my disease crises have been minimal and short-lived. However, it seems it's no longer working. This obsession over what is going on with my digestive system and worrying that I have H. pylori is taking a toll on me right now. I stopped taking Pepcid the other day because it seemed like it was making my anxiety worse, it was giving me terrible back and leg pain, blowing me up to no end, and it was constipating me. I don't seem to be having terrible heartburn since then or the return of that godawful burning hunger feeling (knock on wood), but I still have an annoying feeling in my throat and that godawful taste coming from either my throat or stomach. I don't even want to talk to anyone because I'm so worried how bad I might smell from it. I'm terrified of eating, that it's going to make me sick/vomit, I'm going to get full easy (seriously, I never get full), that the burning hunger feeling is going to return, you name it.

Then I'm worried about the treatment if I do have H. pylori. Typically two antibiotics, which is like a damn nightmare to me, considering how bad one antibiotic affects me. It's not like I've never done two at one time. When I had endometritis, I had to take Flagyl and doxy. It wasn't the worse thing in the world....until the end, when I nearly got impacted. It was horrible. I could barely even sit. Let me just say thank god for enemas.

And if I do have it, I'm going to be wracked with guilt wondering if I may have infected anyone with it, since it apparently is contagious. And if I did, I'll feel horrible.

What never ceases to amaze me is how when it comes to these disease crises, it's never anything that is really that substantially big. It's not the least bit impossible for me to have cancer, yet it's not even on the top of my list of things to worry about.

On another note, happy birthday to the beautiful Mr. Vanwyngarden (yes, I do still have a megacrush on him and despite coming to the conclusion that I'm basically asexual....I still would.) 

Random Thoughts

Back during the fall, I was feeling somewhat good. I was having less trouble with my digestive system, my mood was kind of well, really good. Of course I had the voice in the back of my head reminding me that what goes up must come down, and I knew ultimately a crash would come. And it appears that it has finally come. I am having a horrible OCD flare.

First things. My furry niece's cancer is back. My mom has to have back surgery again. My g-pop might possibly have cancer. 

On New Years Eve, I woke up with an extremely irritated throat and burning in my chest. I assumed it was a reflux flare or something, but the rest of the week my throat continued to be irritated and by the weekend I was coughing and congested. That Sunday night I lost my sense of smell and taste and it continued, so the next day I went to CVS to get something and then decided to go to the Minute Clinic where I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and given my good old buddy doxycycline. By Wednesday I had started to feel somewhat better and my taste and smell were coming back. But the closer I got to the end of my prescription, I started to worry that everything would come back after I finished the prescription.

And let me remind you that whenever I have been diagnosed with a sinus infection, I always get terrible fearful that it's not going to go away and it's going to spread to my brain or blood. This time around I also had an area in my left lower gum bothering me that I was fearful was an abscess that was going to spread as well. Now I get anxious about a lot of things in life, but not much can surpass sepsis.

The good thing is, my prescription ended and I had no recurrence, just the typical digestive system mess antibiotics like to leave me with. But then this past Tuesday I started having this burning in my chest and esophagus. My throat is irritated and I have the worst taste coming from the same area. I keep getting this burning hunger feeling every so often. I'm belching more than often. My stomach and esophagus feel raw and irritated. I don't know if it's a bad acid reflux flare or what. Of course I know I'm never too young for cancer, especially with my reflux history and family history, but in the grand tradition of things, I tend to worry more about less serious illnesses. I'm more worried that it's H. pylori or an ulcer or both. I've been taking Pepcid which helps but not entirely. I'm afraid to eat for fear of how whatever I eat is going to affect me. I'm worried about vomiting. It has me such a big time mess.

If people could experience how I'm feeling right now, you'd completely understand why I want to put my foot up every person's ass who is all tee hee I like a clean house I'm so OCD tee hee!

Song Of The Day

Hmph

Tomorrow will be 14 years since I was admitted to that place. It certainly was not the most pleasant experience, and my mental state at that time was bad (at the time, if you had told me that I would one day not be the least bit afraid of MS, I would not have believed you in any way, shape or form), but it was not terrible. Why I cannot shake the trauma of the entire experience is beyond my understanding.

Random Thoughts

Another holiday season come and gone.  Another round of post-holiday blues that I know will eventually cease but is still a pretty rough ride to tough out.  And with the way things have been going, before I know it, I'll be in stores and saying holiday stuff already?

Considering how every little noise under the sun annoys me to the point of full blown aggravation, I've often wondered if I have misophonia.  And one of the noises that annoys me is hearing people cough.  And I just so happen to be lucky enough to work in a place where everyone and their fucking grandmother constantly coughs all day.  Between that and the sound of people collating, along with many other things, I am going to go fucking crazy one day.  And since New Year's Eve, I've had congestion, post-nasal drip, an irritated throat, and now an intermittent cough.  Do you know what it's like to be the source of one of your own trigger noises?  I'm absolutely getting on my own nerves hearing myself cough.  And I can't even escape it.