Article Of The Day

Stop Diagnosing My Daughter For Being Introverted

This is an excellent article. It makes me wonder if I had been born later in life and not at a time where not every little oddity in a child had to be labeled with some kind of a disorder, what would doctors attempt to diag-nonsense me with?

Of course a whole flock of stick up the ass mombies had to rush in and criticize the article. Of course. Especially that "melena gasper" commenter. I am kind of playing the world's smallest violin for you? What a condescending bitch. She must be one of those people who screams OMG THERE ARE CHILDREN IN THE WORLD WHO HAVE CANCER if you tell her something like you have terminal cancer. She also must be one of those people who you have to watch every little thing you say to her or she'll scream OMG I AM OFFENDED. Chances are anything you will say will offend her anyway so no point in watching what you say. My God, I am sure the author of the article meant nothing by saying about her dealing with her autistic kids. JFC, pull the stick out of your ass and sit the hell down. Forever.

Going back to the introvert thing, sure I might be an extreme introvert with horrible social skills now, but rest assured with all of the texting and computer stuff going on, the future of America is going to have god awful social skills. So, normalcy, here I come!

And completely off topic, I think my period is finally here. And I am really hot right now so no, my anxiety is not gone. Also, I am still going to be worried how long my period is going to last- is it going to be shorter than usual? Is my flow going to be lighter or heavier than usual? And then it will end and the whole cycle will start over again of worrying that I will bleed at ovulation time or that it will come earlier. Oh and now I am going to have to worry that I will have symptoms like I did this time. And with premature menopause there are really no compulsions for me to do. With Addison's, it was checking my skin and taking my blood pressure several times a day. There really is nothing to do with premature menopause except watch my cycle.

And in the grand tradition of things, it's not something that can easily be ruled out. Nothing you can just go get a blood test any time for.

I can't fucking take it anymore. It's time like this I honestly wish I would stop being such a chicken shit and throw in the towel on this whole life thing because I am so over it.

11:45PM: Now I am barely having any bleeding. I am about to lose my fucking mind. Is it just taking its time coming on? Is this the flow this month? I don't know and that is driving me crazy. I wish it would just come on fully. If it does at all.

WTF

Supreme Court: Religious rights trump birth control rule

FUCK YOU, SUPREME COURT. I don't give a flying fuck who is liberal or conservative in making this decision. I want to know how many were MEN.

Also, when are people going to learn that birth control is used for more than just CONTROLLING BIRTH?! Here! Educate yourselves!

Ugh

I have been up since 4AM. I am EXHAUSTED beyond belief. I have no idea how I am going to get through today, although somehow I managed last Monday. But I had 45 extra minutes of sleep last week. I was hot, cold, hot, cold, etc. My head wouldn't stop with premature menopause thoughts. I am nauseous. When I finally decided to get out of bed, I couldn't stop crying and when I went in the bathroom to get done, I had some blood. I started to cry even harder (mostly of relief). Now let's hope this is actually my period.

Also, the radio sucked this morning so I turned my iPod on and "Something's Always Wrong" popped up second on shuffle. That started the waterworks all over again.

Random Thoughts

I have such what I hope to be a super horrific case of PMS right now that I am grasping at straws to find things to bitch and get annoyed about. I am in a horrible mood! For one, my period still is not here so I am super stressed that it is not going to come at all.

Two, I am pissed that it is already Sunday night. Yes, I know so are millions of other people who are as well and there is nothing I can do about it and blah blah blah, but I am still pissed about it. But hey, at least it is a 4 days week, although that means it will probably go slow as fuck.

Three, my FWA. I want to punch that little arrogant piece of white trash in the face so bad right now. I got an email on Friday (conveniently sent a half hour after I left work, as usual) that my FWA's lunch has been temporarily extended to 45 minutes and I am going to have to sit up there for 45 minutes (because you know, I am apparently too stupid to put 2 and 2 together). I laughed and said are you fucking kidding me? I wanted to write my manager back and say no, absolutely not. And I said to my coworkers "oh I guess her lunch will be an hour now". And sure enough, she was gone almost 55 minutes on Friday. I am not putting up with this shit. If she is later than 45 minutes any day this week, I am saying something to my manager. I know it won't do shit, because despite thinking she is a whiny drama making bitch, my manager still thinks the sun shines out of her ass, but it will fill me with glee to say something.

And I swear, if I ever hear my FWA whine how everyone else gets away with shit and "wah! I never get away with anything!" again, I am going to go absolutely fucking postal. Also, every time I ask her a question, I always have to hear "that's how I have been doing it for 4 years and nothing has ever been said to me!" or some dumb variant of it. One, I know you have been doing it for 4 years! And the fact that you have been there for 4 years fills me with so much rage it's ridiculous! And two, NOTHING is ever said to you about ANYTHING. EVER.

One day I asked her a question in regards to work and it got her complaining about people who abuse the system and then she started about her boyfriend's mother (who she calls her mother-in-law. YOU'RE NOT MARRIED. SHE'S NOT YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW.) and then she started oh I am here busting my ass off while she sits home on disability while all I want to do is be home with my baby. I turned to her and said "well, there's millions of women who want to be home with their babies!" and she was "yeah, but...." and I wanted to throw my hands up and say "oh excuse me, I forgot, it's completely different for you and 60 times worse than everyone else's situation!".

And I keep hoping and praying one day when I am up covering her ass that no one says to me "omg isn't the baby cute?" because I will have no idea what to say because 1) I don't think she is and 2) lol this is me we are talking about, someone who doesn't care for babies or kids. I mean, sure I'll come across some who I think are absolutely adorable but for the most part.....nope

I am so damn stressed out over my teeth. Every time I have to eat, my stomach fills with dread because I am so afraid I am going to eat and it's going to hurt. And I should probably make a dental appointment and that is stressing me out even more.

I also have a super case of the guilts.  I feel bad about everything. I had bought 2 pairs of bathing suit bottoms because I wanted to see which ones looked better with the new top I bought and I finally ended up deciding on the one pair and took the other ones back today and I feel fucking awful about it. Oh and I feel awful over how I keep snapping out on everyone.

And don't say well just don't snap out on people. Easier said than done.

I am so anxious right now and my heart is fluttering and I feel like I am physically shaking inside. I just want to pull my hair out and start screaming so loudly windows would break. WHY CAN'T MY GODDAMN PERIOD JUST COME ALREADY?!

Unreal

A letter to Dear Abby from a couple weekends ago:

DEAR ABBY: I have an attractive friend who was bypassed for a front-office promotion. "Miranda" is pleasant, clean, efficient, energetic and had the same qualifications as the individual who was promoted. A management team member confided that the reason for Miranda's lack of advancement "might" be due to the numerous tattoos -- difficult to cover -- on her arms and wrists, which the manager said isn't the image the business wants to convey. Is this discrimination? I think it's unfair because Miranda is a good worker. She keeps asking me if I have any ideas why she was bypassed. Should I tell her? I don't want to violate the manager's faith in my confidentiality, even though I will be retiring soon. -- LOYAL FRIEND IN MASSACHUSETTS

Hey, just tell your friend to come work at my workplace. I am sure my manager would have no trouble letting her work there. After all, this is the same person who allows my FWA to come in to work nearly every day blatantly defying the company dress code and having her tits and tattoos showing all over the place. Man, I wish the company would allow us to do a manager review again. My last one would have nothing on this one.

FML

Well the good news is Friday was not a bad day!

I am having intense cramping right now. I have had it all day, as well as feeling irritated down below and bladder pressure, but over the past few hours it has worsened. And that same sharp pain is on the right lower back and radiating to the front. I hope this is not a sign of what my cramps are going to be like. I am fretting about it coming early but I am also starting to worry that it will not come. FUCK I AM SO DONE WITH THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

ETA 10:33PM: Well, it looks like it may possibly be coming, except it's doing that weird ass thing that it has been doing lately where I spot sporadically for a day and then it comes on with a vengeance. But I am still not going to rest until it fully comes on. I just hope to God I don't have the cramps from hell after having some pretty intense cramping this entire week. Especially last night and before I went to bed. I felt like my insides were on fire.

And earlier I ran to DQ and as I was leaving the mall, my right foot was bothering me. I swear to God, if a fear of a stress fracture comes back, I am going to fucking blow my brains out. Between getting anxious about eating for fear of having tooth pain, fear of getting an infected tooth, fear of going through early menopause ON TOP of the hundreds of other things I worry about and now having both sides of my jaw cracking and popping, I don't need any goddamn new fears!

Also, both MGMT and Imagine Dragons performed at Glastonbury tonight.

Random Thoughts

I hope to God tomorrow is a better day than today was. Today sucked eggs!

Before I get into why, I know I generally tend to react things inappropriately. When I first started at my job, way back in 2009, my manager told me that eventually the company was going to get a scanner and would I be interested in doing that job. I said definitely and then it wasn't until the summer of 2010 that I was brought into the office full time to begin doing that job. Of course, it wasn't until a few months later that we actually got the damn machine. And I was stunned in 2011 when I found out the job I was given and basically created was being taken from me and moved to our sister company. I figured even with imminent layoffs, they would still need me in the office. But nope. And then after so long, our sister company found out they couldn't handle the extra workload (LOL) and every thing slowly came back to our office. And our one medical assistant has apparently become the main person to do it. And you know what? It's like a fucking slap in the face. Maybe I am wrong to feel that way, but who knows?

Today my manager surprised me by asking me to scan some things. Of course, it was only because the MA was doing something. And as I was close to finishing the MA told me there were some things being faxed over that needed to be scanned, so I figured I'd wait until everything was faxed over and take care of them. In the meantime, the MA goes back to scan whatever she was working on and then asks me if I took care of the faxed over documents. I said no I hadn't gotten a chance to yet. Next thing I know, she is doing them. Again, maybe I am wrong to feel this way, but I was fucking pissed. I am so sick of her and her constantly needing to take charge of everything. I am also sick and tired of her I am so damn perfect and make mistakes and can therefore badmouth everyone when they make mistakes. Sorry honey, but you do make mistakes.

That was the first thing that put me in a bad mood. Then I took a chart that turned out to be a pain in the ass, then I decided to start one that was for an earlier day that was an even bigger pain in the ass. I feel like hunting down the addresses of doctor's offices that still use handwritten notes and write them letters that simply say "GET WITH THE 21ST CENTURY ALREADY", although like I said before, typed notes aren't any better, especially when the doctors use voice recognition software. And with the latter chart, that was perfectly clear. I had one report with two different dates listed for the person's date of injury. How do you not even realize a mistake that epic?

Then when I was driving home, I was waiting at a light to turn onto a main road and traffic on the main road was horrendous. Then some dope honks at me. I have no idea where he expected me to considering TWO LANES FULL OF CARS WERE COMING UP THE ROAD. I just shook my head and stayed put. A few minutes later he blares his horn at me again.....with two lanes full of cars still coming up the road. That time I did the very unlady like thing of sticking my middle finger out the window. How can I fucking go anywhere with cars coming? Get real, jerkoff.

After that all I wanted to do was go home and cry. I get home and my sister, my nephew, my grandparents, and my aunt are over. I burst into tears in the car instead.

And the main source of all of my stress today? Bad pelvic cramping and worrying about premature menopause and the frustration at not being able to say to someone "I am terrified I am going through premature menopause" because I know I will be ridiculed.

Ugh

I am so nauseous right now and have burning cramping across my lower back. And every so often it intensifies on the right side. It's not bad enough that I need to take any medication or anything, but it's immensely uncomfortable. I had pain like this when the cyst was found on my first ultrasound. I don't know if at the time that cyst had anything to do with it or not.

I really need to find out what is going on with my female parts. And you know what I thought about one day? I am forced to have a Pap smear every time I go to the gyno, even though my risk of having HPV is super low, but things can be found in transvaginal ultrasounds that can occur regardless of your sexual history and they refused to do one on me.

On another note, that Tartlr page I have mentioned before....oh man, the drama that unfolded last night over Andrew and his ex and who cheated on who, etc....it was RIDICULOUS.

How Did I Not Realize This Sooner?

It's my half-birthday today!

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Having a baby will simplify your life

Ugh

I love going to bed on Sunday night.

I also love trying to go to bed on a Sunday night while having a mind that will not stop obsessing that my period will come early, premature menopause, this damn crown. JUST STOP!

7:21AM: I have been up since 4:45AM. I am fucking exhausted. I have no idea how I am even going to get through the day without collapsing from exhaust. Or how I will even be able to concentrate when my head will not stop running. And do you know why I have been up since then? Because I cannot get the idea of early menopause out of my head. This is like déjà vu all over again, déjà vu of the morning of 10/3/11. It was pretty much the same scenario- up super early, cannot fall back asleep because head will not stop running, etc, except then it was Addison's disease.

6:26PM: Well somehow I made it through the day. I don't know how I made it, although coffee and then lunch helped some. I just want to cry. My anxiety is so bad right now. This damn fear went away, I don't understand why it had to come back or even what brought it back.

Song Of The Day

Radio 104.5 has been playing this song for a while and I couldn't decide for the longest time if I liked it or not, but I finally realized I like it a lot. The first time I heard this song, I thought why is Aloe Blacc and Elton John doing a song together? Then I found out it was not only neither of them, but it was one person. I also cannot remember the last time I actually cried at a music video. What an awful, disturbing situation. I know it's only a music video, but we all know that this kind of shit really happens, especially in other countries. No one should have to die for who they love (unless it's harming someone, of course):

Ugh

Pearl Jam Break Into 'Let It Go' In Italy

Oh FFS can people get off that damn song's dick already? I expected it to be a great song with all of the raving I heard of it, then I heard it for the first time at some communion party and all I could think was, "THIS? This is what everyone is making a big fuss about?". It's awful! But then I remembered that kids are the ones making a big fuss over it; therefore, I should have known it would suck, since 99.9% of kids have the worst taste in pretty much everything.

And speaking of shitty covers, I don't know about other Party Cities, but mine always has this awful music playing of really shitty covers of already shitty songs. I don't have any problem with Adele, but "Someone Like You" gets under my skin so bad. I LOATHE that whiny ass song. And while I was in Party City earlier, some really shitty cover of it came on. I never thought anything could be worse than the original (except any Kid'S Bop versions). I was proven wrong.

Commercial Rants

I can't even remember at this point the last time I saw my commercial. Weird. I don't even see the other commercials for the product, either. Guess they stopped playing them.

What is the deal with the Cinnamon Toast Crunch commercials? I know General Mills is trying to sell how delicious CTC is, but those little cannibalistic squares are creepy.

The IHOP summer pancake commercial.....HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW WHAT CANNOLI IS?

It was bad enough in the Tide commercial with the mother having to pronounce karate stupidly, but now there is one where the father has to pronounce in that same stupid way.

Why in pharmaceutical pimping commercials do the people always talk about their moderate to severe [insert condition]? Who talks like that? I never talk about my moderate to severe OCD, because for one I don't like to refer to it as "my" (I didn't ask for it) and two it just sounds silly. I prefer to refer to it as the more appropriately named HELL.

Whenever I watch Nick in the morning, there is always this commercial for Ring Pops with some shitty pop band and the girl singer is wearing a shirt that says "Girls rule, boys drool". If you're over 12 years old and wearing a shirt that says that, you need to check your life. And the Payless BOGO commercial I just saw- if you're over the age of 15 and using the term "bestie", you need to check your life. That goes for "BFF" as well. I feel so much second hand embarrassment whenever I see talk shows on in the morning and the anchors/hosts are using the term "BFF".

And speaking of second hand embarrassment, I was just on that Tartlr page I talked about and she posted a few things last night about Andrew and his girlfriend breaking up. She apparently "heard" that his ex cheated but she doesn't think that is true and then posted all of this creepy stuff about following her and the rest of the band's girlfriends on Instagram. And then this is the best part- she gets super pissed when people ask her about it. Uh, you're the one that is invested in it. Yeah, I'll admit that I am curious why they broke up and who broke up with who, but I am ridiculous anyway. Besides, no matter how much I think the sun shines out his ass, if she really broke up with him, I don't feel sorry for Andrew. Well, maybe a little, but that's what happens when you become famous and decide you will only date girls who otherwise wouldn't look at you twice if you weren't famous. Also, never forget this:

It was the night before your show in Berlin in 2010. It’s like a long, awkward chess match of non sequiturs. You can watch it on YouTube.

BG: I’ve never seen that! We were hanging out with Will Carruthers from Spectrum and Spacemen 3, and I know he’s a friend of Anton’s, but I had no idea that took place.

Andrew VanWyngarden: Yeah, well, Anton’s a pretty far out dude. His girlfriend was in the 8mm Bar, which we happened to pass by, and she came over and was like, “You want to come upstairs to meet Anton?” and so I followed her. His apartment is pretty crazy—I guess you can see it in the video. A lot of cigarette butts everywhere, and guitars too. I’d seen Dig!, and I had met him already at the Accelerator Festival in Stockholm and was aware of his demeanor that’s kind of shape shifting and a little bit wild or something. I had been out to dinner with my ex-girlfriend and then we went to that bar. I actually kind of forgot it happened.

I was at the show the night after and that was the first time I’d seen you live. I remember having the impression that you somehow wanted to break free from the crowd’s expectations but you couldn’t. You seemed almost despondent onstage…

AVW: I broke up with my ex-girlfriend the day of that show. It was very dramatic and awful. I literally bought her a ticket home and then walked onstage, so I think there was some weird emotional stuff happening.

All I can say is I hope she did something pretty awful to deserve that kind of break-up.

And then earlier today she posted something about musicians from the past stealing from POC. God, Tartlr is such a fucking embarrassment. Why is it such a cesspool for "social justice warriors"? Do these people really think they are doing something by bitching and whining on Tartlr?

And why is it white people are always the loudest and most obnoxious of the "social justice warrior" movement? Sit down, white hipster girl.

Random Thoughts

When you want to punch every single one of your coworkers in the face, it's time for a vacation.

I don't understand this bullshit of me being the only person who has to sit up front when my FWA goes to lunch. It's really starting to piss me the hell off. When one of my other coworkers is in the office, there is no reason she can't sit up front as well. Especially days we have patients. She is a medical assistant, she knows what to do more than I do. I am not an MA! And I told my manager flat out when I was offered an MA position that I don't like people enough to want to deal with patients, in addition to not being able to do that kind of intense long distance traveling.

And then my FWA returned almost 15 minutes later from lunch today. I had to deal with one patient and a copy machine technician while she was gone, which was 2 people too many that I wanted to deal with. The patient was nice (and cute), but the copy machine guy was not very friendly. And when my FWA came strolling in mumbling some bullshit excuse of why she was late, I just got up and walked away from her. I was not in the mood to listen to her bullshit.

And I am so tired of my manager's bullshit and the shit she allows people to get away with. I have never met a manager that is such a poor excuse for a manager like her. Especially the shit she allows my FWA to get away. I don't care how "great" of a worker my manager thinks she is, she is still not abiding by corporate policy. And the fact that she has been spoken to multiple times about her constant tardiness and she still continues to do it....she is such an arrogant defiant bitch.

I like my job in itself, minus the being told to do one thing one day and then another the next, or one person tells me to do one thing and another tells me to do another thing. And minus the atrocious doctor writing (handwritten and transcribed!). And it feeds into my medical topic obsession. Not always things I particularly am looking to learn about, but it generally ends up being interesting. The job has certainly given me a taste to want to learn all things musculoskeletal.

But yeah, I don't mind my job too much. It's just the people I work with. I swear, if I could transfer to our sister company, I think I would seriously consider it. And I would love to know if everyone is as bad there as my manager and coworkers make them out to be.

These goddamn obsessions with my teeth and early menopause are getting on my last nerve. I get anxious and sick to my stomach every time I have to eat, for fear it is going to hurt. My head hurts from not chewing right. My breasts felt sore earlier so I immediately started to panic that my period is going to come early. IT. NEVER. STOPS.

That one MGMT Tartlr page I visit, the girl was creepily obsessed with Andrew's ex and even after finding out they broke up, she defended her and complained about people bad-mouthing her. That lasted maybe a couple weeks. I haven't seen one mention of her since then. Can't say I am really surprised.

My mom was in the car with me yesterday and I put the Imagine Dragons CD on again and learned that in addition to not only knowing "Radioactive", she really likes it. I still really love it as well. Listening to that loud ass drum banging in the background.....I've got it blasting so loud in my earphones right now I am waiting for blood to start shooting out of my ears.

Random Thoughts

Thanks to the bleeding that started yesterday I am back to worrying that I am going through early menopause. I have been stressing over it so bad all day that I am physically exhausted from it. Between that, my mood swings, my digestive system issues, itchy skin spots, and my body temperature feeling all out of whack, I am almost pretty convinced that it's very possible. And having to keep it all bottled up is only adding more unnecessary stress, because as we all know from past experience, admitting to my disease/disorder fears never ends well.

And today when I was leaving work I did something incredibly stupid. On the other side of the road, the road is curved funny, almost like you're only allowed to turn left or right. And 99% of the time, people make a left hand turn. I make a left hand turn on my side as well. Well, today the light turned green and as I started to turn I realized someone was coming straight and I had to slam on my brakes, coming very close to hitting the person. The lady didn't yell at me or anything but kind of just put her hands up like you want to explain that? I felt like such a fucking idiot. I just wanted to die. Between the early menopause fear, work, and that, I felt like jumping out of my car and running into traffic. I can't believe I did something so stupid.

I wish I could give up driving. I really hate it.

I also really wish I could quit my job. My performance review has really been eating at me. The whole thing about getting emotional and easily overwhelmed especially. And who is my manager to talk about someone else overreacting to things? Ms. flies off the handles about EVERYTHING. I'll at least admit that I overreact to things, because I know damn well I do.

God, this week needs to get over already. I also got an email from my manager today- and me only- asking me if I would be interested in overtime again if it got approved. Of course I am interested in the extra money, but so it begins. Welcome to the world of being the only childfree person in your workplace, Slightly Short of Sane. Now everyone can take advantage of you.

HA!

Post by Imagine Dragons.

The first thing I thought of was this:



Dan's extreme height will never not be amusing to me. Also, I could totally picture MGMT going to an awards show in a hunk o junk like that.

Cue Rage

I had a few days of spotting last week and was just finally having none.....only to come home and exercise and start bleeding some all over again. I am so freaking fed up with this.

What The Hell??

There is a bird chirping obnoxiously loud outside my bedroom window right now.

Random Thoughts

In my annual performance review, I got a 4.75 out of 5 for attendance. I have been thinking about it and thinking about it and I am PISSED. I am NEVER late. I NEVER leave early. My lunch has NEVER ONCE gone over 30 minutes. I have called out ONCE. Why in the FUCK do I only get a 4.75?! And of course I am too much of a goddamn pussy to speak up and say anything.

I swear, one of these days I am going to get so sick and tired of being taken advantage of and not speaking up for myself that I am going to split into 2 personalities a la Me, Myself & Irene. And I hate the phrase, but there is no other way to describe it- it's going to be fucking EPIC.

In work on Friday, that luncheon was planned for noon. Before that, I had went up to ask my FWA something and she asked me what was I doing about taking lunch (I always take lunch around 1:30, she takes it after I get back, which reminds me of something else to complain about) and then says she doesn't know what she is going to do, because she can't not see her baby (she always drives to her mom's during lunch). I wanted to laugh at her. Millions of moms work and take lunch without ever seeing their babies until they get home! God, she is so fucking ridiculous. She said she'd probably just take her usual lunch, but then she ended up going in to the luncheon at noon and staying in there for a good 45 minutes.....and then still went home at her normal lunch time! It amazes me how much my manager lets her get away with.

And going back to the lunch thing, the day my FWA came back, I get an email from my manager telling me I need to sit upfront when my FWA goes to lunch. I wanted to write back and say excuse me am I the only one who works in the office? Like why do I have to be the only one who ever sits up front? Why can't it be alternated? It's such fucking bullshit. God, I need a backbone.

On another note, last weekend my mom and I ran to Target to get some things and while I was there, I thought maybe I will buy the Imagine Dragons CD since I liked it so much and there was one copy left so I grabbed it and figured eh I'll decide before I leave whether I want to actually buy. I ended up buying it and put it on in the car on the way home. "Radioactive" is the first song on the album and a few seconds into the lyrics starting I hear my mom singing along with it. I said "you actually know this song?!" and she said something like oh yeah I have heard it on TV before. I just laughed. I know I have played it before in the car with her but I didn't think she actually really knew it. Then again, it did get played a lot there for awhile.

I never quite got the blow up of the song, because it blew up long after I first started hearing it on the radio. My local alt rock station 104.5 was playing it long before other stations. I think I remember hearing it on 104.5 as far back as January 2013. It was one of those songs like "Kids"- I kept hearing it and liked it, but never did any research on the name or group (and if I recall, I thought it was that Alex Clare guy). I didn't actually download it until March 2013. And several months later, out of nowhere, it was playing EVERYWHERE.

God, I am going to be SO FAT after the past few days of eating!

Song Of The Day

 I miss the old Spongebob:

Random Thoughts

So my annual performance review....not quite as bad as I thought. Most of what was said wasn't anything I disagreed with. Of course, my manager still had to go and bring up that I tend to get emotional and overwhelmed easily. And my main task of work needs to be improved some. Which I am already well aware of. I scored a 3.67 out of 5 and I am getting the maximum percentage raise. I meet expectations and am an asset to the company.

Of course, my sick mind starts to think about it and immediately goes on the attack. 3.67 out of 5? Percentage wise that would be a 73.4%, which is a low C in school. I meet expectations? Why do I not exceed expectations? And then my manager made some comment about how I come in and ask questions and stated that a lot of times she doesn't understand why I ask them when I pretty much know the answer. Um, because I am double checking? I don't get it- she raves that I am someone who will ask questions and not just do shit on my own and then she makes comments like that. Do I ask or not? Like WTF? She also stated that she has noticed an improvement in my work output. I still don't see it. She made some comment about how I tend to stick with smaller files. Um, because you told me to do so? She also made a comment that she hasn't had one complaint from a doctor yet. That is all I needed to hear. Now I am just waiting for one to come along.

I had a shitty day in work. I woke up feeling like crap because I want to Maggiano's last night for dinner and it made my already feeling like crap stomach feel even crappier. I also had wicked heartburn and the taste of garlic in my mouth. I took 2 Pepcids and they barely did shit. When I got to work I made coffee and because no one knows how to properly stack boxes, I had to move one and cut my thumb. Now I am going to be worried that I am going to get an infection.

Then when I went looking for work, there were 3 charts waiting for Monday that were all fairly small, so I took the biggest at 0.5 inches since I got nitpicked for taking smaller ones. Big. Mistake. It was one of those small deceiving ones. I worked on it the entire 8 hours and still wasn't completed it when I clocked out. And it was a fucking nightmare. About a hundred different complaints, pain constantly switching sides, etc. At one point I couldn't hold back anymore and I went into the bathroom and cried for about 10 minutes because I was so frustrated. And when things like this happen, I also get frustrated because I start worrying that superiors are going to look at my work log and will be like, well why did it take you so long you know what this isn't working out we have to let you go. I worry about this all of the goddamn time.

We were also having that luncheon today. I didn't even go in the conference room. And of course I realize how that makes me come off to others, but I am sorry, I just couldn't go in. I was too upset and anxious and being in that room and listening to all the stupid gossip about our sister company and how dumb everyone is up there (and really, I wonder if they are all that bad) and listening to our temp with the loud screechy nasally voice and my FWA would have made me lose it.

I did get upset while I was sitting at my desk and thought god why do I have to be socially inept? Even if I was in there, I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable and self-conscious like I usually do when I do actually sit in there. Plus, once everyone would start getting on me about not eating I would have felt even worse and even more self-conscious. It would be nice if one could admit to their issues without everyone judging them and thinking they're weird.

Earlier, before my mom went to bed, she was getting on me about everything. Nitpicking every thing I said. And I swear that woman loves to play Devil's advocate. Every time I complain about someone, she defends them. She does nothing but bitch about my dad, but the minute I say something, she's defending him. Or if I complain about something my sister did, she is right there defending her (of course, my sister says she does the same thing in regards to me).

And ever since I saw that article about people saying childless people just had bad moms, I have been thinking. Don't get me wrong, my mom was a very good mom growing up and I love her to death. But to be honest- and I would never admit this to anyone but maybe a therapist- there were things she did that contribute to my reasons for not having kids. I fully understand mental illness and the apathy that comes along with depression. But when you're a kid and you're excited about shit and your mom says stuff like I really could care less, it kind of gets to you after so long. And I understand that feeling now, but I still don't want to subject a kid to it.

One of the things I said earlier was that with his temper and no patience, my brother-in-law shouldn't have had a kid. My mom turns and says "well I have no patience maybe I shouldn't have had kids". She has said quite a few times that maybe she shouldn't have kids. I frankly don't care when she says that, because I know my mom loves me and was one of those women who wanted nothing more than to be a mom, but I have bitten my tongue more times that I can count to keep from saying "yeah it's a shame you didn't do a huge favor and just fucking aborted me". That would not go over well. But the sad thing is, I do often think that.

The amount of times I think of death on a daily basis is just unhealthy. Hell, earlier in work when I was working on that nightmare file, I kept thinking about how it would have taken the other workers no time to do and here I am spending a whole day on it and I thought about how I would like to go home and either blow my brains out or chase a bottle of pills down with vodka. The amount of times I think of suicide is even more unhealthy, but it is just that- thoughts. Nothing more. Would I like to act on my plans? Yes. But I can never muster enough courage to actually do so. Heaven knows what it would actually take for me to do so. That's why I laugh whenever I think about my hospital stay. That was probably the closest I ever came to actually considering acting on my plans, but I still was nowhere gutsy enough to do so. I felt like laughing at the employees and saying bitches, please, like I'd ever actually act on it, even though I desperately want to.

And before I go:

MMGGMMTT (whoisMGMT) on Twitter

The fuck you do to yourself now, boy?!

Dafuq

This morning I was in my bathroom getting done and I heard this light knocking and looked all around and then looked up at my skylight, thinking maybe it was rain. It was not. It was a black crow pecking at my skylight. Freaked me the hell out.

FINALLY I have an excuse to post this:

Song Of The Day

I am absolutely not one bit ashamed to admit I cried when I first listened to this song:



Dan, man, that hair.....and that is almost nothing compared to it here.

#12.....dat ass.

Never thought I'd be someone turned on by dudes in skinny jeans.

Random Thoughts

My FWA is back two days and I am already ready to shank a bitch. Not one thing has changed. Still yakking on the phone, still belching, still dressing sloppy, and still taking longer than a half hour lunch. She is unbelievable. I just do not understand that girl's logic of thinking.

And now she is going into the employee bathroom 3+ times a day for 15+ minutes at a time to pump and then putting the bags of breast milk in the fridge. Apparently our manager said something to her about it today but there were still 2 bags in there when I left. *shudders*

I got an email today informing me that we are having employee reviews this week and apparently mine is tomorrow at noon. Oh joy! I cannot wait to be embarrassed like last time!

I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to take this BS with my digestive system. This has been going on far too long. And now I have heartburn like I typically get before my period. I am spotting. My jaw is cracking almost every time I eat. My teeth are bothering me. I dread every time I have to eat, for fear of pain when I chew. My ears are bothering me and I feel like someone is blowing air into the left. My hands keep getting hot and red. I am tired as anything. I am back to worrying about early menopause. I am physically and emotionally exhausted worrying about my own health. And that's in addition to worrying constantly about mistakes, bad things happening, severe weather, money, my job, etc.

Song Of The Day

Back when I worked before I got laid off, I used to hear this song a lot on 104.5 and then they just suddenly stopped playing it. They need to start playing it again:

Random Thoughts

Since all of my attention seems to be back on my teeth and this damn crown, I was fretting over it earlier and I kept thinking how every single time I hear someone say they are OCD about something, I want to punch them in the face. Oh I like a clean house I am so OCD! LOLZ I am so OCD about grammar! Oh I like things neat and in order I am so OCD! NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I was stuck running out by myself earlier to get dessert and I decided to go to Friendly's and get the new red velvet Friend-Z (very good, by the way) and as I was walking to my car, I kind of glanced in the windows and the place was filled with all these young people with their friends and all I could think was, I wish I had a gun so I could blow my brains out.

Life really fucking sucks when you have no relationships outside of your family. It sucks even more when you're someone who is really awful at creating relationships. I don't know how to create relationships, plain and simple. I have no idea how to make friends. I feel nothing but self-conscious and awkward whenever I talk to people. And even when some kind of a relationship forms, it ends up being nothing but a rocky nightmare for me and all I do is worry that the person is judging me and talking about me behind my back (I never voice these concerns out loud).

And ultimately, it ends up dissolving for some reason and generally it always seems to be my fault. I either didn't know how to pull my weight as a friend (I always love that; I had two friends bitch one time that I never called them and the phone works both ways.....yet they never called me either. Ever.)  or I was too much of a good two-shoes (and it's not like I was a preachy goody two-shoes; I disapproved a lot of times of the things my friends in the past have done, but I never EVER said anything about it, just simply declined to participate in their shenanigans) or I apparently wasn't homosexual enough.

That last one was one of the ones that burned the most. I am glad my friend had found happiness and all with finally being out of the closet, but that was no reason to disregard me. Especially considering before she came out, we used to have long discussions about our sexuality. And I was one of the first people she came out to because at the time, I was one of the only few people in her life who was cool about it. And it's not like she can ever say she ditched me because I was heterosexual because she knows damn well I was never sure about my sexuality back then. Hell, I still have no idea what it is, although I am starting to wonder that despite all my fantasizing and talk about wanting to be banged by tall skinny rock stars, if I am actually asexual.

Which brings me to my next complaint. We got an email on Friday that this upcoming Friday we're going to be having a luncheon with pizza and cake as a thank you for all of our hardwork. I wanted to groan so loud reading it. I fucking hate these stupid luncheons. That's why it's nice to work for a big company. We never had to attend luncheons all at the same time (at least any of the ones I worked for). We just got the damn food when we wanted it. I can't stand having everyone asking me "aren't you going to eat" or "don't you want any food"? Yes, I will eat when I damn well feel like it and it's going to be my own food because I am a sick bitch who has to eat at a certain time and has to eat specific things! It is so damn ANNOYING. Like leave me the hell alone!

I also can't stand having to sit in a little room with people who are sweet as sugar to one another's faces and then rip them apart behind their backs. And every time my manager goes on about how she thinks we all have a good relationship in the office, I want to laugh until I choke to death.We just got a new medical assistant a few weeks ago and on Friday, not even 5 minutes after she left, our most senior employee and the catty one were talking about her. I felt like turning to them and saying "JFC, you're (to the most senior employee) 69 years old and you're 36 years old- grow the fuck up already". And I love how them two have to constantly bitch when someone makes a mistake. Yes, because they're just so damn perfect they never EVER make mistakes.

I am dreading this already. I seriously want to find an excuse to leave work early or call out.

I am so frustrated with my job. Every time I think I am advancing with my work, I get a batch of work that sets me back. I have the hang of the job, it's just a matter of getting what I need from the medical reports. And a lot of times that ends up being more difficult than people think.

One of my cousins is pregnant again. After she had her first son, all she did was whine and bitch about needing alone time (because it wasn't like she was pawning her spawn off on her parents all of the time anyway) and now all she does is bitch about how bad he is and I feel like asking her WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU GET PREGNANT AGAIN?

My cranky ass needs to go to bed already.

Wut

#MyDiary pic.twitter.com/kcIDZxNxSd
— MMGGMMTT (@whoisMGMT) June 7, 2014

This looks like something you would see in Psych 101 when you're on the topic of abusive relationships. Why on earth would Andrew post something like this?

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

I just realized I haven't seen my commercial in a while. What is up with that? I'll tell you what it is- because Nick is too busy playing 25 previews (per commercial break) for that stupid Fault In Our Stars move, so they don't have any room to play it!

I am going on week I don't even know at this point anymore of digestive issues. What on earth is going on in there? And this week I switched back to Truvia and I have heartburn and bloating just like when I used it before. There is something in Truvia that I am sensitive to but I am not sure what it is, although my guess would be the ethyritol.

I am still taking those Wal-Green brand probiotics and I am wondering if maybe I can't take them this long. Maybe I need to switch back to my old ones for a little bit and then try them again. I don't want the box to go to waste. Once again, let me remind myself- the next time you want to switch probiotics, STAY WITH THE FREAKING SPRING VALLEY ONES.

Ugh less than a week until my FWA comes back. The silence was nice while it lasted. We got an email in work today informing us of her return date and we all groaned and our most senior employee pretended to cry. I don't even know why she is even going to bother coming back. All she is going to do is leave early and call out even more than she used to.

Man, I am exhausted. I am so close to face-planting my keyboard right now. And that reminds me- I had a  nice surprise this morning. I was listening to "Pumped Up Kicks" on 106.1 (it's still a good song, albeit screwy) and I switched over to my usual station.....and "Electric Feel" was playing. I was stoked. Finally they played something other than "Kids" or "Time to Pretend"!

JFC Enough!

I am SO sick of seeing previews for that Fault in Our Stars movie. Every goddamn commercial break! A story about a girl with cancer falling in love? OOOO HOW ORIGINAL

Tweet Of The Day

Actually it's a whole damn Twitter:

Dan Reynolds (DanReynolds) on Twitter

Damn, he is deep.

I am not sure if I am being sarcastic, if I really mean that, or a little of both.

ETA 6/8: THE VERDICT IS.....I meant it, with a pinch of sarcasm. I tried, my black cold self tried to roll my eyes at the stuff he wrote and I just....couldn't. Dan seems like way too nice of a guy and I can tell from some of the things he wrote that this is definitely someone with a history of depression and anxiety issues. These two tweets make me incredibly sad:

he took his life and I think of him all the time. I think of what I could have done. I could have been a better friend.
— Dan Reynolds (@DanReynolds) May 12, 2014

i lost one of my best friends to him dealing with a lifetime of judgement and false friends. i will forever regret not being a better friend
— Dan Reynolds (@DanReynolds) May 12, 2014

That's a shame he feels that way. I am sure he was a very good friend, if he is anything like his Twitter persona.

Song Of The Day

 "When your eyes are red and emptiness is all you know"

Random Thoughts

I don't know what is going on with my hormones this monthly time around, but they need to get themselves together, because this is ridiculous. I am a freaking wreck! And I don't know if my hormones being a mess is what is affecting my digestive system or what, but something needs to get situated here. It feels as bad as it did on birth control.

All I am feeling right now is depressed and guilty about everything. My mom said something one day that the Wizard of Oz is coming to do the Academy of Music and then I started thinking, is she hinting to go see it? And I looked it up and it's only next week and I can't figure out any time to go with work and the weekend wouldn't really be good and now I am feeling overwhelmingly guilty and like a horrible daughter not getting her tickets. I keep snapping out on everyone and then feel terrible over it. I feel horrible for getting so agitated last night over not having the dessert I wanted when I wanted it. I feel horrible about everything. Bad enough that when I was driving home earlier, I started to feel so overwhelmed from how I felt and my front tire sounded weird and all I could think of was it blowing out and losing control of my car and crashing and ironically enough, thought I wish I could hit the gas pedal and ram into a tree.

Really, mind? You are horrified at the thought of losing control of your car and crashing so the first thing you do is think how much you want to crash your car? JFC.

And as if I don't feel bad enough, now it's back to work again. And one more week of peace until the dreaded FWA comes back. I finally took her off of my newsfeed. It's a little tiring seeing pictures of her screaming baby constantly (I swear all that baby does is scream and cry, but I am sure she wouldn't change it for the world!!!!) and every goddamn person in her life holding her. Oh and she also apparently lost the ability to refer to herself as "me" or "I". She is now apparently known only as "Mommy" now. "Baby and daddy are napping and Mommy is enjoying a cup of coffee" "Mommy is doing this" "Mommy is doing that" JFC you're still an individual person! And the thing I hate the worst? I actually feel guilty for taking her off of my newsfeed. And I actually sometimes feel guilty talking about her! I shouldn't, because I wouldn't put it past her to ever talk about me.

Anyway, back to work, my manager hasn't really been having me doing any other work and it's depressing the hell out of me. I like to be up and moving and doing some other jobs and instead I have been stuck at my desk most of the day and it's making me so fucking miserable.

I borrowed the Imagine Dragons CD from my brother-in-law and I just finally listened to it earlier. It's pretty good. In addition to the 5 songs I already knew ("On Top Of The World", "Radioactive", "It's Time", "Tip Toe", and "Demons"), I like "Round and Round", "Hear Me", "Amsterdam", "America", and "Nothing Left to Say/Rocks". And the last one I listened to was "Bleeding Out". Holy mother of fuck. The lyrics. The feels. So many feels. Damn you, Dan. If this was the song he was performing when he passed out on stage, I can't say I blame him one bit.

I am sorry, call me mean, but that story will never not be funny. The idea of a 6'4 musician passing out and crashing into a drum set and sending pieces flying and- this is the best part- the band continues to play on is just too freaking funny.

Random Thoughts

The good news- it finally came Saturday. The bad news- I am still emotional and moody as hell. And anxious as anything. And overall feeling like the shittiest person on earth.

We went down Seaside on Saturday. It was a nice day, but a little too chilly. Didn't do much but walk the boards (the little that is left of them right now) and ate at the Beachcomber. Man, that place is hit or miss. Either the food is really good or it sucks. And tonight it was the latter. I thought maybe it was just due to hormones that my food didn't taste too good, but my sister and mom didn't enjoy it either. My pizza would have been good.....if it wasn't so cold.

A little while after dinner, my sister and my mom got ice cream and I thought about getting it and then decided, eh I'll get home in time to go get something, like Dairy Queen or the Drive In in Maple Shade. So I didn't get anything. When we got home (about 7:30PM), my sister asked me if I wanted to go to Target with her, so I said yeah, figuring I'd still get home to get something. Next thing I know it's after 9 and I still have nothing so I started to get really anxious and I said something about not having anything and my sister asked me if I wanted to go to McDonald's for ice cream since I have been wanting it and I ended up deciding to just go home and have left-over cake with ice cream. Then she asks me if she could run home and drop her stuff off and change the baby into his pajamas. At that point I was even more annoyed because I'd really be having dessert later, but I said yeah go ahead. I didn't end up having my dessert until 10:30PM. And then I didn't even have any good ice cream to eat with it, so I ended up having just the cake. I can't even explain how agitated I was. It's so fucking ridiculous.

I did explain to my sister how I feel like I need to eat at certain times, because I didn't want her to think it had anything to do with her. I still feel like a complete cow now, though.

I don't even know why I bother worrying about eating at certain times, because my insides still don't want to function properly. I am so goddamn miserable with my stomach right now. I got on the scale yesterday and I was 3-4 pounds heavier than last Saturday. I wanted to cry.

And this crown....I can't fucking stand it anymore. I feel like ripping it out of my mouth. I just finally lost focus on it and I forget what happened one day that brought it to my attention again.

And while we were down the shore, I started to have all of these thoughts running through my head of horrible things happening and I just wanted to grab a hold of my hair and start screaming as loud as I possibly could. I honestly believe if I ever have another breakdown, it's going to be about ten times worse than the first one.