Monday, March 25, 2019
Random Thoughts
As I was driving zombified into work this morning, I had one of our newest radio stations on (the Breeze- love it) and as the announcer was talking (thumbs up to Val- miss hearing her and the rest of the Breakfast Club on 98.1), I heard it....the beginning sounds of "Father Figure". I hmm'd and haw'd whether to change it, but ended up listening to it because goddamn, no matter how spooked I am from that dream, it's still a damn good song. And made it through unharmed, e.g my head didn't explode, an asteroid didn't crash, the earth didn't split open or fall off its axis, etc. However, I still had this gnawing strange indescribable depressed feeling afterwards. WHAT IN THE HELL happened in that dream that has me so troubled? It's driving me crazy not knowing.
Friday, March 22, 2019
Random Thoughts
Have you ever had a dream that just haunts you to no end? Almost 2 weeks ago, I had a very bizarre dream, and to this day it's still bothering me. The strange thing is, I remember almost nothing about it, just that I was walking around inside some big theater-type place and George Michael's "Father Figure" was playing, yet for some reason, I have been haunted by it since. I love that song, but whatever it was about the dream that has me so disturbed has made me completely unable to listen to it.
Is developing an aversion to something because of a bad experience normal? I can walk into a room and forget why I came in, yet I can distinctly remember the drive to the crazy house on 1/13/06 and the fact that I was listening to the song "Valerie" by Steve Winwood. And to this day, I still can't listen to that day without those memories flooding my head. Or how I can't listen to Depeche Mode's Playing the Angel album without thinking of that time period as well. And forget even trying to listen to the Scorpions' "Send Me an Angel", another song I listened to a lot during that time period- the end result is usually a lot of tears and borderline panic attack. To this day, I will never understand why that time period and hospital stay traumatized me so bad. The hospital stay was basically a waste of my time, but overall it wasn't that terrible. So why I am still so affected by it?
Then again, it's not like I come from a family particularly known for letting shit go. And Lord knows I could probably win gold or platinum in that category. Not being able to let shit go is probably >95% of why I have mental illness.
Is developing an aversion to something because of a bad experience normal? I can walk into a room and forget why I came in, yet I can distinctly remember the drive to the crazy house on 1/13/06 and the fact that I was listening to the song "Valerie" by Steve Winwood. And to this day, I still can't listen to that day without those memories flooding my head. Or how I can't listen to Depeche Mode's Playing the Angel album without thinking of that time period as well. And forget even trying to listen to the Scorpions' "Send Me an Angel", another song I listened to a lot during that time period- the end result is usually a lot of tears and borderline panic attack. To this day, I will never understand why that time period and hospital stay traumatized me so bad. The hospital stay was basically a waste of my time, but overall it wasn't that terrible. So why I am still so affected by it?
Then again, it's not like I come from a family particularly known for letting shit go. And Lord knows I could probably win gold or platinum in that category. Not being able to let shit go is probably >95% of why I have mental illness.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
The Bitch Is Back
Wow, I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I last graced everyone with my presence. I blame the Prozac. Since I started that shit, it's done nothing but take my ability to express my feelings (which I had issues with prior to starting Prozac) and just traps it inside me, leaving me with so much pent up miserableness that any day now I'm waiting for the mother of all breakdowns to come. And at the point I'm at, I'm not sure that's going to be such a terrible thing.
My FWA is pregnant again. And just as obnoxious as she was before. Everything is blamed on the pregnancy. Every time we walk by her or she walks by us, the hand has to start rubbing her belly. Bitching about this, bitching about that. And I want to be excited about her going out on maternity leave soon. But I'm fucking freaking out. And then it doesn't help that we've had a higher number of reviewers lately so the workload has been kind of light (first holiday season I was able to leave normal time), and one of them resigned on Friday. So now I'm really freaking out. And really beating myself up that I can't handle doing such a simple job that apparently any idiot can be hired to do. Of course I don't doubt that having anxiety and OCD doesn't contribute to that. I can't NOT care about the quality of my work like everyone else apparently does.
I've always suspected I've had misophonia but lately it's been really bad. Again, I'm not sure if this is something Prozac is contributing to (it was never this bad until I started Prozac). Nearly every little noise gets on my nerves, practically to the point where I honest to God wish I would go deaf just because I can't fucking stand it anymore. And one of the things that really gets under my skin is hearing people collate in work. Everyone is obnoxiously loud with flicking through paper and the sound drives me fucking bonkers. I'm surprised I actually have any teeth left because I grind them so hard the whole day in work. I can't stand the sound so much and every time I hear it I want to put my hands over my ears and start screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and over again. The level of agitation I feel every time I hear it can be terrifying.
There are so many days anymore where I wish I would just get the guts to end it already.
On the plus side, after years of chickening out, I finally did it in November- I went through with LASIK! It cost me a pretty penny but with the exception of dry eye (which I had some issues with before), so far so good.
But let me tell you- laugh heartily anytime you hear commercials about $250 an eye LASIK. You must hardly be nearsighted to qualify for that.
My FWA is pregnant again. And just as obnoxious as she was before. Everything is blamed on the pregnancy. Every time we walk by her or she walks by us, the hand has to start rubbing her belly. Bitching about this, bitching about that. And I want to be excited about her going out on maternity leave soon. But I'm fucking freaking out. And then it doesn't help that we've had a higher number of reviewers lately so the workload has been kind of light (first holiday season I was able to leave normal time), and one of them resigned on Friday. So now I'm really freaking out. And really beating myself up that I can't handle doing such a simple job that apparently any idiot can be hired to do. Of course I don't doubt that having anxiety and OCD doesn't contribute to that. I can't NOT care about the quality of my work like everyone else apparently does.
I've always suspected I've had misophonia but lately it's been really bad. Again, I'm not sure if this is something Prozac is contributing to (it was never this bad until I started Prozac). Nearly every little noise gets on my nerves, practically to the point where I honest to God wish I would go deaf just because I can't fucking stand it anymore. And one of the things that really gets under my skin is hearing people collate in work. Everyone is obnoxiously loud with flicking through paper and the sound drives me fucking bonkers. I'm surprised I actually have any teeth left because I grind them so hard the whole day in work. I can't stand the sound so much and every time I hear it I want to put my hands over my ears and start screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and over again. The level of agitation I feel every time I hear it can be terrifying.
There are so many days anymore where I wish I would just get the guts to end it already.
On the plus side, after years of chickening out, I finally did it in November- I went through with LASIK! It cost me a pretty penny but with the exception of dry eye (which I had some issues with before), so far so good.
But let me tell you- laugh heartily anytime you hear commercials about $250 an eye LASIK. You must hardly be nearsighted to qualify for that.
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