Random New Years Thoughts

So 2012 will be over in less than 2 hours. These years just keep flying by. I am sitting here, depressed that the holiday season is almost officially over and thinking how it is a year until the next one and OMG that just seems so long, but honestly, it will be here before I know it. October will be here and Christmas stuff will start popping up. And it will be Halloween. And I can finally give my niece or nephew their first Halloween gift that I have had sitting in my closet since October. It was such a cute toy I couldn't pass it up. Then it will be Thanksgiving. And then the holiday season will officially begin. And then comes my 30th birthday.

Winter is not even over yet and I am already dreading the spring and summer months with severe weather. I don't know how people can live in tornado-prone areas. We are not prone to them and I am a wreck when the warm months come around. And judging by the past two years, now I have to dread a hurricane coming again. Or superstorm. Or frankenstorm. Whatever.

Normally on New Years Eve, we go to dinner and to the movies. We only went to dinner. We went to Longhorn. I told my mom we should do call ahead seating and she insisted no we will be fine, not realizing last year when we went and it was empty it was because it was New Years Eve eve. We ended up having to wait about 40 minutes, which was about the estimated time I was giving when I asked. My dad starts complaining loudly and the lady sitting next to me on the bench kept looking over at him. I felt like climbing under a table. And other than telling the waitress I wanted no lettuce, tomato, pickles or onions on my burger and it came out with pickles, dinner was good. I finally had the piece of cheesecake I have been dying for, although nothing still beats cheesecake from a diner. Two of my local diners make the best cheesecake.

Speaking of embarrassing, one time we went to Popeyes and my dad tells the cashier he doesn't want any cajun on his food. I was like you fucking kidding me. It's Popeyes. Louisiana Kitchen.

Man, I could go for some Popeyes right now.

I don't want midnight to come. I am afraid how I am going to react. I don't really want to talk to anyone at midnight. I am pretty angry with my aunt. She told me a couple Sundays ago that we would do something for my birthday. I just brushed it off as her usual big plans that she never goes through with. On my birthday, she asks me if I decided where I wanted to eat yet. I was surprised and thought gee, maybe she is actually going to go through with her plans for once. Haven't heard anymore about it though. I really shouldn't be surprised. But that doesn't make the hurt and disappointment any less. I am so tired of people. I really am.

Oh and I didn't take my birth control pill tonight. I already feel overwhelmingly guilty going off of it. I am also having doubts, like oh what if the weight gain was only temporary.

My sister's baby shower is in 2 weeks. We still have numerous people who have not RSVP'd, even though we asked to do so by December 28th. Why is it so difficult for people to RSVP? You pick up the phone and say I am coming or not coming. It's not that difficult. And then one of my cousins calls and asks if she can bring her tween daughter. What the hell, people? It wouldn't be so bad if 1) this wasn't a pay per head shower and 2) her daughter wasn't a miserable little snot who doesn't even acknowledge my sister. Does she even know who my sister is?

And the best part of my Facebook status asking people to RSVP.....my FWA leaves a comment "your sister is pregnant?". Because I didn't announce it or like any ultrasound pictures or tons of pictures of my doggy niece stealing my sister's pregnancy pillow or anything.

Oh, and how could I forget? Somewhere in 2013, MGMT's third album should hopefully be released. And maybe they will go on tour and come to my area. *squeals* Oh god I hope so!

ETA 2:07PM: Still hardly any RSVPs, despite my FB post about calling ASAP. I swear, I am related to some of the dumbest and/or rudest asses on earth. And the annoyance at some of the people who are not coming. See, Mom? This is why it is pointless to bend over backwards to attend everyone's parties. And now she is starting to finally realize that.

I am not sure going off of the pill was such a good idea. I am such an emotional wreck right now. I keep crying. I had bad indigestion last night, which may have not really had anything to do with it. I had horrible insomnia. My breasts are even more sore. My heartburn is flaring up worse. I had a hard time going to sleep, then I woke up at a little before 6AM, could not fall back asleep, burst into tears over not being able to sleep, finally started to doze off after 7AM....and my phone vibrates loudly. Burst into tears again. Eventually finally fall back asleep. It didn't occur to me until this morning that I wasn't having much trouble sleeping since I started the birth control. I woke back up around 11AM and felt like a complete zombie. My head felt so fuzzy. I wanted to roll over and go back to sleep for the next couple weeks.

Reading people's experiences of quitting birth control are scaring the hell out of me. So many people have seemed to GAIN weight after going off of them, although most seem like they have been on the pill for many years and it seems to be a lot of Yasmin users. I have only taking 21 days worth of pills, so I honestly don't know how much that could affect someone, although if these symptoms I am having are from stopping it, then it's a little scary. But I find it a little hard to believe that by me not taking the pill last night, I could start experiencing withdrawal effects already. But what so I know? What I do know is I am really not keen on staying on these pills. Taking man made hormones just seems very unsafe.

I can't even describe the feeling in my head right now. All I know is it is so insufferable, I wish I could get away from myself.

Random Thoughts

I am at my wits end with these pills. I don't want to be on them anymore. I am so bloated I can barely breathe. I finally broke down and took Milk of Magnesia on Saturday. It did indeed work. Yet I am still unbelievably bloated. My lower abdomen is distended. I keep having night sweats in the middle of the night. I wake up soaked, kick the covers off, and in no time I am freezing. I put the covers back on and am soaked again. I have unbearable heartburn and I keep getting nauseous. I keep breaking down in tears for no reason. I am more depressed than usual. My breasts are starting to hurt more and I think my bras are getting snugger. I don't want bigger boobs!

Even with the Milk of Magnesia, the scale was still bouncing between 125 and 126 pounds. I want to cry. I don't know if it is just because I am so bloated or what. I was already beyond what could be considered normal of worrying about gaining weight before I went on these pills. If I stay on them, I think I am finally going to develop a full blown eating disorder. And I do not want that.

And to top it off....I am still spotting. Now I know it wasn't something that would disappear overnight, but I still want to know why it was happening. If it is a hormonal imbalancement, there could be a number of causes. Wouldn't it help to find out what may have caused it? If it is something that has a particular treatment, it needs to be brought to light. Although I very highly doubt it, what if it is my thyroid? Birth control won't help my thyroid.

What have I done to myself? What have I done to my body in this quest to be thin? What has it done for me? I am still just as insecure and miserable as I was before I lost weight. I might have a little bit more confidence, but not much more. I still want to walk around with a bag over my head. I am so beyond fed up with being miserable. I want to go back to 2005 and make sure I never quit Effexor cold turkey. I don't think I would be where I am today if I didn't do that.

I also need to buy a new pair of earbuds. When we were out shopping a couple Sundays ago, one of my earbud speakers blew. I am beyond tired of this happening. If I could get a pair that lasts at least one year, it would be a miracle. My last pair were Sony. I think they made it to ten months. And I made sure I took really good care of them. And they still died on me. I didn't even get a warning. Most of my past sets of earbuds started acting funny when a speaker was going to blow. I need a pair that can handle very heavy usage.

Song Of The Day

I used to love singing this song in elementary school:



At least I'll have a niece or nephew to sing this with eventually. Man, sometimes I really miss being a kid. Christmas time in elementary school was so much fun. Elementary school was about the last time in my life I recall being happy.

The Bitch, Please Of The Day

Anne Hathaway: Seeing Myself in Les Miserables Makes Me Cry

Aye carumba:

"I was in such a state of deprivation -- physical and emotional,"
"When I got home, I couldn't react to the chaos of the world without being overwhelmed. It took me weeks till I felt like myself again." 

Man, she's really desperate for that Oscar, isn't she? Anne, you weren't a prisoner of war. You weren't a hostage. You weren't fighting a war in a violent country. You weren't in a concentration camp. You were in a movie. My God, could you be anymore histrionic?

And of course you were in a state of deprivation. You starved yourself for the role. If I was some starving child in Africa and read your woe is me I suffered and starved myself for a role, I would laugh until I threw up. Or dry heaved, seeing as I wouldn't have anything to throw up.

I never used to have a problem with Anne Hathaway. In fact, I think I used to actually like her as an actress. But then one time she was talking about how she had depression and anxiety and I can't even remember what it was she said about it, but it pissed me off to no end. And she has just rubbed me the wrong way since then. My sister doesn't like her, either. And she doesn't really know why she doesn't. Bride Wars didn't help my opinion of Anne. She was insufferable in that. So was Kate Hudson, another one I have come to find insufferable for some unknown reason. Come to think of it, that whole movie was just insufferable.

Kind of like with Zooey Deschanel. I had a girl crush on her since I saw the The New Guy in the movie theater (yeah I know it's such a stupid and ridiculous movie, but I love it. I laugh every time I watch it). But over the past couple years she has gotten insufferable. The twee hipster act is annoying. I see clips of that New Girl show and I honestly don't understand how anyone can watch it. She is so fucking annoying! I hate saying that about her, because every movie I have seen her in, I have pretty much loved her. But now, I just can't even watch anything with her.

And apparently I am the only person on earth who thinks she actually looked better as a blonde. That new hairdo looks like a rat's nest.

Random Thoughts

Well, another Christmas over. And I have my usual post-Christmas blues. I am also feeling unusually blue about my birthday being over also. Not really sure why. Maybe because I am turning 30 next year and am not looking forward to it. I am not upset because I am getting older. That is inevitable. It's going to happen and there is nothing I can do about it. I am not happy with where my life is. If I went back in time to my senior year of high school and was asked to guess where I would be in life at 29 years old, my guess would have been nowhere near reality. And it depresses the hell out of me. Which makes the act of changing a million times harder.

I mentioned I went out on Saturday with my sister and brother-in-law for my birthday. Sunday I went to dinner with my parents, but didn't do anything else. Christmas Eve we did our usual going over my grandparent's. That got a little screwed up at first. My sister and brother-in-law came over about 6PM to head over with us and my sister was upset because earlier in the day she had had water running down her leg at one point and she was afraid her water had broken. Now this is where it gets odd and a little irritating. My sister has been a nervous wreck pretty much her entire pregnancy of something going wrong. If she doesn't feel the baby moving, she gets upset. She would not even tell anyone she was pregnant for the longest time until she was past a certain point. And not the usual point people wait (six weeks, is it?). Long, LONG after that point. And when she said something to her husband about the water, he told her she was fine. She who works with pregnant women and worries about every little thing, but decides to listen to her husband. Eventually she gets herself so worked up that he finally agrees to take her to the hospital. She was fine, of course, but I can't wrap my mind around the whole situation.

And that is one of the things that really aggravates me about my brother-in-law sometimes. He just brushes everything off all the time like it's nothing. Okay, so maybe everyone in my family has the tendency to worry a little too much, but having such a laid back and stubborn mentality can be a bad thing too. Like his stubbornness of not pulling over to let someone else drive when he can't stay awake. Or his blatant disregard for cellphone laws.

And what is it about a pregnancy that everyone just loses their freaking minds? Every time we are around family or whatever, people are so fucking weird with the things they say and do. My grandmother says she talks to the baby every day. I just.....I can't with that. And people talk to the baby in the womb, which in itself isn't too odd I guess, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't even think if I was pregnant I could bring myself to talk to it. It certainly would hear a lot of music, though. That is about the only thing that makes me sad about not ever being pregnant- I have always wanted to play music for my unborn child. It's kind of sad that that is about the only thing I am upset about. I talked to the ultrasound picture once, though. A day when my sister was being exceptionally bitchy and everyone in my family was being obnoxious, I picked up the picture when I was home alone and said "I feel sorry for you".

And the whole blame the baby for everything, from farting to cravings.....*eye roll*

But anyway, eventually they joined us at the g-rents, we ate, had my cake, blah blah blah. Christmas day, everyone came over our house. Same thing, everyone ate, blah blah blah. I ate way too much and I have about 4 days worth of bad food just sitting in my intestines and making me bloated and miserable and I can't go to the bathroom for anything. Two of those days involved corn, which is making everything a million times worse. I am tempted to take Milk of Magnesia, but I am really trying to just let this bad bout of constipation run its course and resolve itself.

Sorry. And in continuing with TMI, I appear to be spotting again. I am not quite sure how long it would take for birth control to stop it, but I am not quite sure how long I want to stay on these pills. My breasts are sore, I am still getting nausea, and I am getting increasingly moody and emotional. On Christmas Eve, I was doing a 15 minute bike ride and while I was on it, I had Too Cute on and it cut to a commercial break and this commercial came on for the Humane Society and I was getting increasingly emotional with each animal being shown and then they showed this clip of a guy running in the snow with a club at a seal and I was like what the hell is he doing OMFG he is going to club that seal to death and I lost it. I sobbed almost the entire 15 minutes. And I could not stop. Didn't help when towards the end of the commercial they show a white seal up close and it was just so damn adorable, especially when it blinked its big black eyes. That scene of the guy running at the seal has been haunting me since then. I can't stand feeling so emotional, but damn, this is about the closest to feeling human I have felt in a long time.

I'd like to kick that guy to the ground and start hitting him with a club. Not kill him, of course, because I am not a monster like him, but beat him and see how he likes it.

I love Too Cute. I am one big pile of squeeing mush when I watch it.

After the CT shooting, there was that big controversy over that Kesha song. I think the whole thing was ridiculous. I don't even like Kesha, so it pains me to defend her. It's a harmless song.The song was out long before the shooting happened. Who gives a shit if she was bragging about the lyrics before the shooting? Did the word "before" lose its meaning or something? It was before the shooting. Before! Before! Before! But I was on a webpage with an article discussing the whole situation and someone that I follow on posts (big MGMT fan) posted a comment slamming the song and its message. Something about glamorizing partying and dying young. Something probably millions of artists have written and sang about before. But then something occurred to me. And I started laughing. Um, may I remind her of this:

I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw, I'm in the prime of my life
Let's make some music, make some money, find some models for wives
I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars
You man the island and the cocaine and the elegant cars

This is our decision
To live fast and die young
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute

Forget about our mothers and our friends
We're fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

I'll miss the playgrounds and the animals and digging up worms
I'll miss the comfort of my mother and the weight of the world
I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog and my home
Yeah, I'll miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone

There's really nothing, nothing we can do
Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew
The models will have children, we'll get a divorce
We'll find some more models, everything must run it's course

We'll choke on our vomit and that will be the end
We were fated to pretend
To pretend
We're fated to pretend
To pretend

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Hahahahahaha I can't with this. I have to go listen to the song now. As will you:

Song Of The Day

Old school MGMT:

An Angry Letter To Seth MacFarlane

Dear Mr. MacFarlane:

Stop. My God (no pun intended)....just stop.

And enough with the Meg jokes. I know you don't know when to end a joke, but the whole pick on Meg schtick stopped being funny about 3 seasons ago.

Sincerely,
S-Cubed

Random Thoughts

Since the CT shooting, there is still repeated talks of better mental health awareness, that the stigma needs to stop so people will be more willing to get treatment. And yet some of the shit I see on the internet, the stigma is getting worse and worse. I've seen people say that either come right out and say or passive-aggressively imply that all mentally ill people are dangerous. I've seen people say that mentally ill people should be rounded up and put into Hunger Games like situations. Yeah, this kind of stuff is really going to persuade someone who already feels like a leper for being mentally ill want to get help.

I'm so tired of the stereotype that mentally ill people are dangerous. Are all dangerous people mentally disturbed? Probably. But not all mentally disturbed people are dangerous.

I will never understand how someone can take a life. I really don't. And so brutally too.

But onto a happier topic....it's my birthday! Yay!*

*not really

Facebook was sucko when I went on. I had two notifications, and received one while I was scrolling through. And speaking of scrolling, have I ever mentioned how much I hate infinite scroll? Normally I'd have a lot more notifications than that. I know it's only stupid Facebook and I shouldn't give a shit, but it's kind of depressing the hell out of me.

At least I had a decent day yesterday. I did go to see the Hobbit and luckily the theater wasn't real crowded. It was good, just as I expected. I just wish I could remember where in the hell my copy of the book is. I want to read it again. The previews before the movie were pretty stupid. I'd say 95% of them were about alien attacks and they were loud as shit. I can't with these loud ass movies anymore, and I can't with these apocalypse movies either. If it's not some shitty remake or sequel, it's an end of the world movie. Enough is enough. Find some news ideas already. But anyway, then I went to Chili's for dinner. I love Chili's. They really have good chicken fingers. Of course I feel like crap from it. I know I shouldn't eat corn, but I still do. It was so good, though!

And on top of feeling crappy, those damn birth control pills are making me so nauseous! Last night I felt so sick I was about to go in and make myself throw up just to get rid of some of the nausea. At least when I got on the scale on Friday, I was still within my weight allowance (I was about 123 pounds. And pretty bloated). But these pills are taking all of the fun out of eating because I am so worried about gaining weight. And I do notice I keep getting very emotional. I heard some story about a priest who was attacked and robbed the other night in Philly and it made me feel so bad I almost started to cry. Especially when someone said that the priest had tears pouring down his face from being maced. He wasn't even necessarily crying, but I felt sympathetic tears. Might explain why I am feeling so depressed right now. I don't want to be on these damn pills!

Meh. I'll go make my day better by listening to my kings. That sounds like a good way to spend my birthday. Only thing that could make it better is if Andrew was one of my birthday gifts. And I would love for him to pop out of a cake looking just like this.

Song Of The Day

"The Fletcher Memorial Home" by Pink Floyd:



When I was down Myrtle Beach over the summer, I was in some music store on Barefoot Landing and the workers had Pink Floyd playing and this song happened to come on while I was in there and one of the workers turned it off. I protested loudly. He put it back on just for me. Don't ask me why I felt the need to tell this story. It was funny when it happened. And it's a great song.

To Possible Hell With This

I have no idea if it has anything to do with the Ortho-Cyclen, but my period seriously looks there is no end to it. By now it would have lightened up some. It has not. A little, but not like usual. And the beginning of it was unreal. I have never seen, um, clots like this before (I'm sorry.....sorry).

And I have been so emotional today! And nauseous. I cried for 10 minutes after getting out of the shower because I just felt so miserable. Stories on the news are making me cry. Things from my past are making me cry. Nothing at all is making me cry.

And sure I have eaten all day, but that didn't stop me from being dumb and getting on the scale. It was 127 pounds. Also don't know if that has anything to do with the pill. I could have just been swollen from lunch. It could just be my period holding fluid on me. It could just be the pill holding fluid on me. It could just be that I am pretty constipated. It could be a mixture of all of the above. I don't know. I'll take a pill tonight, but if I get on the scale tomorrow and there is a significant increase from my usual allowance (when I am going through bad bouts of constipation, I always have to allow an extra 3-4 pounds), then I don't know what I am going to.

I have felt so uncomfortable this week because I just do not like being on these pills. I don't like how the pill is just the solve all to everything. I don't even know if I have a hormonal imbalancement. Nothing was tested. So I am just thrown onto a drug that messes with my hormones and I don't even know if there is anything wrong with them. And if there is, then what caused it? Shouldn't the cause of it be found first? This is just masking the problem.

Random Thoughts

So I did cave in and start the Ortho-Cyclen like I was supposed to on Sunday. I am kind of confused why I still had to start it even though I was expecting IT over the weekend when the paperwork says to take it the first Sunday after your period starts. And it did come Sunday. And I don't know if it has anything to do with the birth control or just a freak coincidence, but I can't recall ever having a period like this in my life.

I am sweating out the side effects of it. So far I have been okay. No mood swings, no really bad depression, etc. I was ridiculously emotional on Sunday night. I cried for 15 minutes straight for no reason whatsoever. But I think that would have occurred with or without birth control.

But the big thing is whether I am going to gain weight or not. Going on the internet offers no comfort. But I did find someone who asked a pretty damn good question on birth control:

Something I don't quite understand and kind of on this topic. I have heard many women (not necessarily on this board) say, "I gained 40, 60, 100 pounds on the pill" What I don't get is when they noticed their weight going up, didn't it occur to them that maybe the pill was to blame. I can tell you that if I gained even 5 lbs on the pill, I would notice and if it got to be more than that I would go off the pill or at least try another one. Why do people just stick w/ the same pill as they see their weight climb off the chart? (source)

That's what I have been wondering. Why would you stay on something that is clearly making you gain weight? I mean, surely people have to realize it's the pills, right? If weight was never a problem and suddenly it is after starting pills, people surely have to make that correlation? When I started on anti-psychotics, the first little bit of weight gain I saw, I demanded to go off of it. There was absolutely no way in hell I was going to stay on something that put 10 pounds on me in two weeks. If I stayed on it, how in the hell much more would I have gained? And if I get on the scale this week and see any significant increase in my weight, I am going to freak out. I have been eating exactly the same way I do every other week. But I am a little more cautious.

And if you do gain weight on them, why do you? Is it just the appetite increase? Hormones? What is it? Some people say that the reason for weight gain on anti-psychotics is due to appetite increase. Not in my case. I ate the same and still gained weight. It's all so confusing. I don't like taking pharmaceuticals. Especially ones that are messing with my endocrine system.

I'm supposed to go out for my birthday on Saturday and I have to laugh how my sister has basically made the decision that we are going to see The Hobbit. I want to see it, don't get me wrong. I have been waiting for this movie since I read the book back in 2003. But I am just not in the mood right now to go and sit through a 3 hour movie. Especially not one that just opened. I don't understand why everyone in my family knows that no matter how much I want to see a movie, I hate to go to movies that just opened and yet somehow I still find myself being drug to movies I want to see during special engagement. I am not in a rush to see this movie.

I was reading some article over on Jezebel about not wanting kids and someone in the comment section gave the condescending "you might change your mind!" and one of the reasons was "Maybe the biological urge hit (and, believe me, it can hit hard) or maybe you met someone really wonderful and he really wanted a family and he convinced you or maybe your sister had a baby and wow, you realized you wanted one, too or maybe your mom died unexpectedly and you just realized that you wanted a baby because you wanted a family". I can admit with a 100% honesty that that is certainly not happening to me. If anything, my sister's pregnancy is pushing me further away from wanting kids. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see my niece or nephew. But the amount of work that has to go into having a kid.....I just can't with it. And I'll be more than happy to be around the baby, and watch it and change it and all that, but I still do not want one of my own. There is too much in life I'd rather do than have a kid. Like travel. And I hate when people argue that oh you can still do things, like travel, with kids. Why in the fuck do I want to drag a kid on a plane to go to Europe or wherever? And then get there and not get to do anything because the kid is screaming or crying or tired or whatever. No. I'll pass, thank you.

And then there are the slew of other reasons I have repeatedly covered. And the Connecticut shooting has made me want kids even less. You know, I see the parents on TV and I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they can say they forgive the shooter. They clearly are better people than I am, because I never would. I don't know how anyone can forgive someone for killing a loved one. My compassion for mentally ill people is pretty large, probably larger than most people's, but I have my limits. And killing people in cold-blooded murder is where I draw the line. I can partly understand the shooter's fear of being committed and possibly placed under a conservator ship. I live with the fear pretty much every day of my life of someone finding a reason to commit me. But that is absolutely no reason to go around killing people.

But forgiveness wouldn't matter, because if someone took my child away from me like this, I would never be able to handle it. I would either die of a broken heart or I would commit suicide.

The WTF Of The Day

Part WTF, part pretty fucking awesome:



So this is dubstep. Aside from the Alex Clare song, I have never heard it. Oy vey.

The light show is beyond awesome, though. I'd like to create a Christmas light show with MGMT. My old farty neighbors would just love us. And out of all their songs, I think "Time To Pretend" could be the best one to pull this off. And it will not be the clean version, either. Another great one would be "4th Dimensional Transition". Actually, that might be the best one. When the "stuck together, I don't like revealing secrets....." (2:21 in) part begins, can you imagine the light show you could create from it? Good god. My heart just temporarily stopped trying to picture it.

Excuse me while I go listen [loudly] to both now.

ETA 12/20: "4th Dimensional Transition" wins. Both would still be played, but "4th" would definitely be the better light show.

Happy Birthday Ben!

It's Ben's 30th birthday! EVERYONE BE HAPPY, for if he were not born, there would be no MGMT. And that, folks, would be bad. Or there might some form of them, but they might be horrible. And because no site on the internet that I visit lists his birthday.

ETA 12/24: Hey! I found a site that lists his birthday. Yay!

Also, here is a picture of Ben as a kid.

This World Has Got To Go

I don't know if it's due to my hormones being in overdrive, but the news has really been depressing. Last night, there was a story about a 16 year-old girl who was beaten outside of a convenience store by a bunch of losers. And what for? Just for the hell of it? And you should have seen the loser who started it. Some no good tall skinny ass cunt. Someone should get a hold of her and drag her out of a store by her hair and beat the shit out of her. See how she likes it.

Then they showed this man being taken to court who killed a 10 year old girl in a car accident. He was driving at least a 140 MPH. One hundred and forty miles an hour! And what for? How did he even survive the crash? He shouldn't have, that is for sure. Asshole.

And then there was another story about a man who was hit and left to die in the road. Who does that? How do you hit someone and just drive off? I don't understand it. I hit bumps in the road and have to drive back to make sure I didn't hit someone.

I swear, some people just deserve to just drop dead.

And then there was that school shooting today. What in the hell was that all about? Most school shootings seem to occur over bullying. What did these people do to the shooter? Really now. Merry fucking Christmas, people. Unreal. I am so glad I am never having kids. I really am. And I am glad I am not a teacher. Can you imagine how they must feel when stuff like this happens? I would be pissing my pants and freaking out, wondering how in the hell am I going to keep all of these children safe? I'd do everything in my power to keep the children safe, even putting my own life on the line, but heaven forbid something still ends up happening. I'd never be able to forgive myself. I'd spend the rest of my life wondering what I could have done to prevent it from happening. Probably nothing really could have prevented it, but my mind only has one agenda- blame myself for everything, whether it's in or out of my control.

And then it starts- the mental illness debate. Mental healthcare needs fixing. Uh, ya think?! And people who say this, I wonder how many of them have actually been through the mental healthcare system to understand just how much fixing it needs. The amount of fixing that shit hole system needs is unreal. I will never understand the cases of patients going and saying they want to harm others and nothing happens. You fucking report that person!

And then gun control arguments start. I hate guns. I really do. I can't even look at them without getting the chills. Oddly enough, I wouldn't mind owning one for protection. If someone was in my house to harm my family, I wouldn't think twice about putting a bullet in the person. Not to kill necessarily, but definitely to disable them somehow. Would it be nice if they were restricted more or banned? Sure. But what's the point? People would still find a way to get them. And there is always some asshole out there willing to get a gun for someone who shouldn't have one. And I wonder how much violence would increase if guns were put on a tighter restriction. And as unfavorable as it may be, I agree with the old notion that guns don't kill people. People kill people. 

And while I am sure people appreciate coverage of stories, I really wish news stations would stop filming people crying and grieving over deaths. Let them mourn in peace.

The WTF Of The Day

I am not supposed to be visiting this site anymore because it just raises my blood pressure (and not even 5 minutes into the comments on one article, an article condemning Miley Cyrus for slut shaming, and it's already raised. Raised more, actually, since right before I came on the internet, I managed to drop my 72 oz bottle of water on the floor and it busted open. Then in the midst of cleaning it up, my mom accidentally set off the fire extinguisher. Man, those things stink. What is it with ONTD and their "slut shaming" accusations all the time? Geeze.) But this:

Oh No They Didn't! - Best. Funeral. Ever.

Why do I want to watch this so bad?

Random Thoughts

I was able to get an appointment for today with my former boss. Having a gynecological exam at 9AM in the morning after a night of not enough sleep is not a pleasant experience. Particularly when the smallest speculum in existence STILL manages to make you feel like your innards are being ripped apart. And especially not when your examiner realizes you are not sitting forward enough and has to take the speculum out and reinsert it. I don't understand why at my age it hurts so bad. I at least used to be able to get tampons in. Now I can't even do that. All this pain is really scaring me off from ever having sex. Thank god I am not ever having children, because I could not even begin to imagine ever giving birth. I want to cry just thinking about it.

All I keep thinking of is that clip of Oprah when she yells "my va-jay-jay is paining me". It's like 100 years old and I am just finally finding humor in it.

When I was filling out paperwork, it asked what is your method of birth control. One method listed was "pull out". I looked at the paper like, are you fucking kidding me? It scares me to wonder how many people rely on that method. I know my FWA was one.

I was giving Ortho-Cyclen. I really and truly don't want to take it. I hate to sound so vain, but I would much rather deal with bleeding between my periods than gaining weight. Of course, it was one of the first things I brought up when my former boss asked if I would be willing to give BC a try and of course she said no, not with the pills nowadays. But the internet says otherwise. And I know you can't believe everything on the internet, but the reviews of the drug are scaring the hell out of me. I mean, five pounds, preferably less, I can deal with.  Twenty plus in weight gain, absolutely not. Plus, I still want to test whether gaining a few pounds- ON MY OWN- would stop it.

Then there are the complaints of acne (which is one of the reasons I was giving it since my skin decided to wait until I am an adult to start breaking out) and mood swings. Mood swings! Like I need more mood swings! As well as depression, anxiety, rage, etc. All things I DON'T need.

This review, however (from WebMD):

Random Thoughts

I was reading some post on Buzzfeed last night about why kids are the worst. It was clearly satire, but of course, some sanctimommies and daddies got themselves all in an uproar over it. And then it starts about how having children is the most rewarding job in the world, etc, etc.

Maybe it is because I have no maternal instinct, but I could think of plenty of other things that would be considered extremely rewarding in my life. Donating a kidney to someone who needs it. Giving blood to someone for a transfusion. Donating bone marrow for a transplant. Convincing a suicidal person to not commit suicide (yes, I am well aware of the hypocrisy of someone who is always thinking of killing themselves telling another person to not kill themselves). Rescuing an abused animal from the monster who is abusing it. Every time I watch those animal rescue shows, I think, god I want to do that. I want to get those poor animals out of the hands of those monsters. But then I think of the truly bad parts of the job and I don't think I could deal with it.

I can hear my father's conversation on the phone right now about how he is applying for SSD because it's more money a month than retirement. I just can't.

I saw some article earlier with a picture of Anne Hathaway getting out of a car with her lady parts showing. Why do celebrities do that? Is it really that difficult to get out of a car without flashing your lady parts? And is it really that difficult to wear panties? I don't get the whole going commando thing. No matter how many times a day I get washed, I feel dirty down there. Urine, discharge, all that stuff that comes from that area. And you actually don't mind your clothes touching it? Yick. And what if your period comes on unexpectedly? Could you imagine?! It's not much better with underwear on, but it prevents a little bit of the blood breaking through. I'd much rather have panty lines than go commando. Or wear a thong.

I am reading an article about a satirical article saying that the Catcher in the Rye and To Kill A Mockingbird are going to be dropped from the US school curriculum and it turned into a discussion of what books people read in school. I read both books in high school. I can't remember if I read To Kill more than once. I read Catcher my senior year, and maybe it was because I was kind of broody at the time, but I kind of enjoyed it. It was one of the rare ones I enjoyed my entire 4 years. Most books I hated. Especially Shakespeare. And Things Fall Apart my freshmen year....good god. My mind was full of fuck reading that. I see a mention of the Cask of the Amontillado in the discussion. I read that story so many damn times, I should have it memorized.

There is a book I read my senior year that for the life of me I cannot remember the title of. I think it was about a fallen angel. Whatever it was, it depressed the hell out of me.

One day I was complaining about the people I used to work with and my sister thinks I need to just delete them as friends on Facebook. I agree, but I haven't done it yet. But why should I bother keeping them? They aren't worth the time. Especially my FWA. I don't know what her deal is. I mean, I probably should have caught on that she was lying to me based on how many other lies I caught her in. I just always laugh thinking of the time that she said to me that she knew right off the bat that I am very reserved when it comes to making friends due to being hurt in the past. And then she turns around and does the same thing. It doesn't bother me so much that she doesn't bother with me. It's the fact that she KNEW that about me before she even knew me very well and still turned around and did the same thing. THAT is what pisses me off.

Random Thoughts

Why I even feel the need to continue to comment on "Haylor", I don't even know. But if I wasn't fully convinced it was all for PR, I certainly am now. I've never seen a more ridiculous "relationship" in my life. And fake or real, I am disappointed in Harry.

And ONTD's posts on it are ridiculous. Actually, their posts in general are ridiculous. I used to just visit the MGMT tag, but then I started visiting the entire site daily. I normally enjoy it a lot. The gifs are funny, the Zayn stans are hysterical. But anymore it is really starting to piss me off. It's too anal and it's full of racist assholes. And hypocrites of THE highest caliber. My God. It's okay for everyone to rip into Zayn's girlfriend and Liam's [ex?] girlfriend. It's okay for everyone to call them ugly and all sorts of other things. Which is a lie. They are both very attractive girls, especially Perrie, Zayn's girlfriend. But she has the nerve to be all white and shit. Heaven forbid you say anything bad about precious pure as an angel Taylor Swift. Then the stans will rip you to shreds. I can imagine how many Taylor stans have called other celebrities whores, sluts etc. But don't you dare say that about sweet wittle Taylor Swift. Then you are a slut-shamer.

And LOL at anyone thinking she is getting laid. That bitch is probably more frigid than me. That is why I won't call her a slut, whore, etc, even though she has had 9 million boyfriends. I was flipping through the channels late one night and her most recent POS (too lazy to type it out) was on one of the MTV Channels and the way she was acting in the video makes me think she is like those girls who are saying passive aggressive nasty things to you in a sweet as sugar voice.

What astonishes me is the number of people (fans and non-fans) who think Harry is gay. I still don't get any kind of gay vibe from him. Maybe bi. Someone posted somewhere in the internet that he is probably someone that will do anything as long as it has a hole. Yeah, I could agree with that. But I could be wrong. Louis, on the other hand.....the gay is strong with that one.

And speaking of the two, while I don't necessarily believe it, I would like to see Larry be real just to blow the minds of ONTD members. If that happened, I would laugh like Stan in the episode of American Dad when Roger keeps insisting he is "the decider".

Not that anyone cares, but the mid-cycle bleeding I have been having has ceased on Thursday. Now I have my period to look forward to coming. If it comes 30 days, I am expecting next weekend. Last month it came 35 days. And I am really hoping I can get in for an appointment with Planned Parenthood before it comes. I am in the midst of talking back and forth with my old boss, but I haven't set up an appointment yet.

I have had my nerves in a turmoil over this. I just want to know what is going on, although at the same time, I don't. And I keep making the mistake of googling it and then I end up getting upset over the potential reasons. One site suggested hypothyroidism. Several symptoms of hypothyroidism sound like what I experience (feeling cold, constipation, foggy mind, sleepiness, depression, dry skin, etc). No weight gain, though. But I have had my thyroid tested so many damn times and it's always normal. So it is more than likely not that. Then there is premature menopause, premature ovarian failure, etc. Both of which can correlate with Addison's.

I just can't even deal with this fear anymore. With the exception of the constant blood pressure taking, I am almost back to how I was before- constantly checking my skin and inside my mouth, being fearful of getting up and feeling dizzy, etc. Running repeatedly through a list of symptoms and mentally checking off what I do and do not have. I am physically and emotionally exhausted from it. I just want it to go away and never come back. And I thought it finally was.

Although I am not underweight, sometimes I wonder if things would sort out if I put on a few pounds. Every so often, I plan on upping my calorie intake to test this theory, but then I get so anxious that I won't be able to control myself and I will put on more than a few pounds.

The WTF Of The Day

'Bigger Boobies' Hallmark Card For 13-Year-Olds Provokes Angry Protests On Twitter

That card is stupid. What in the hell was the person thinking who created that? I find Hallmark cards offensive anyway. For one, they have been putting out the same cards forever. Every time I shop there (if I have no choice but to buy a card there), I have to spend about 5 minutes trying to figure out if I have bought it before. And second, have you seen some of the stupid ass events they sell cards for? There is a whole line of "Mommy" cards and they are the stupidest things I have ever seen in my life. All full of "sanctimommy" and "woe is me I decided to procreate".

You know what offends me the most about this article? The morons in the comments. The ones who are whining and crying that this nation has turned into a bunch of whining and crying politically correct babies while simultaneously using the section as their platform to whine about the war on Christmas. I am so sick of hearing about this stupid fucking war on Christmas. I think everyone is ridiculous in the whole situation, but face it- it's America. There is more than Christianity in this nation. We are giving the freedom to practice whatever religion we want. So everyone else is allowed to be offended, just as long as the pwecious wittle Christians aren't offended? Get bent.

On another note, I have fell completely in love with this jacket (the black and white). I WANT.

Video Of The Day

"Put the Gun Down" by ZZ Ward:

Random Thoughts

I don't want to go to bed right now. Every night this week has been hell going to bed because I cannot fall asleep. I lay in bed and my head just runs and runs and runs and eventually this heavy blanket of depression covers me and I break down in tears. Never have I wished to have someone to talk to as much as I do right now. Even if it was that guy Sam I used to talk to. Even talking through email would be better than nothing.

Sitting here right now I have that horrible blanket over me. I am so worried sick over what could be causing this mid-cycle bleeding. All I keep thinking is, what if it's premature menopause? And why would I be going through it already OMG it's definitely Addison's disease. God, I finally thought I was rid of this fear. It's all the same shit over again- spending too much time in the bathroom looking over my skin, panicking every time I enjoy something salty or crave something salty, wondering why the fear is not going away, etc. What in the hell is it going to take to get rid of it? If I could have it done this second, I would put out the money for the damn stimulation test.

The Stupid Of The Day

Ellen DeGeneres Ad: One Million Moms Angry Over JC Penney Christmas Commercial

Pot calling the kettle black, but.....Jesus, you people are sad. I really hope the Mayans are right.

You know what was my first thought when I saw this commercial? Holy God, they said Merry Christmas at the end, now the war on Christmas morons can't bitch at them this year. I don't remember if it was last year or the year before, but at the holidays, I went on Penney's Facebook page and people were ripping them multiple assholes over them saying happy holidays. I can't recall the last time my eyes rolled so hard.

And speaking of which, if one of my cousins posts one more picture like these on Facebook, I am going to put my foot up someone's ass:

Video Of The Day

MGMT's cover of "Angie" by the Rolling Stones:



This song was so goddamn completely flawless at Musikfest. I really wish they would do a studio cover of it and release a record and/or MP3 of it. I WANT IT. I NEED IT.

ETA 12/6: I just actually watched part of it (I have mostly been only listening to it) and just noticed the part when Andrew's guitar strap falls off (1:22; lol I think I heard somebody laughing at it) and the guy runs up to fix it (1:35). OMG COULD YOU IMAGINE?

I don't even want to imagine what I would do if I ever met him. I wouldn't attack him like a crazy fan or anything, but I probably would be completely speechless. Doesn't help that the boy always looks like he is pretty awkward himself in interviews. I'd be trying to think of something to say without making an ass out of myself and getting incredibly tongue-tied, and we'd both be standing there playing with our hair out of nervousness (any interview I have seen of him, he is always playing with his hair or his ear or scratching at something, and I assume it out of nervousness. But what do I know?). Oh god, it would be so awkward. And it would be the best day of my life.

ETA 12/7: Watch him in these gifs. Jesus. I am getting nervous and fidgeting just watching him.

This Day Can Go Suck It

Well, right on cue, I am having mid-cycle bleeding again. This is ridiculous. What in the hell is wrong with my body? There are a million things it could be, but there is only one thing I am- scratch that, my brain is- now focused on- it could be premature menopause. Which could be a sign of Addison's. My God. Will I ever get rid of this fear? "Sick of it" doesn't even begin to cover it.

FUCK.

And I think it may be related to the bleeding, but I am so bloated I can't even breathe. I have not gone to the bathroom since last Friday, and I am not even certain of that. It might have been Thursday, I don't remember. It's making me sick to my stomach, it's giving me wicked heartburn, and now I am worried I may have an obstruction.

And then there is this [not completely staged] insanity:

Oh No They Didn't! - Haylor Lives!

MY PRINCE IS DEAD TO ME

Kind of funny that there has been nothing since the whole X-Factor thing, then out of the clear blue sky, coincidentally right before both are about to perform at some big concerts, a 2 month old grainy as fuck picture is released that is supposed to be of the two of them, then several hours later, several incredibly high quality pictures are released of two extremely huge stars walking around unmobbed in the middle of fucking Central Park in NYC. Yeah. That does not sound perfectly calculated and staged at all. Enjoy your break-up song, Harold. And if Taylor thinks death threats from the fans are bad now, wait until they break up and she writes a song condemning Harry. Fans will be out for blood, although no one should feel sorry for him. He knows what he is getting into. Or he really is that stupid.

God, some of the people on that site are obnoxious. Yes, a lot of 1D fans are ridiculous, but like none of them have ever been psycho fan girls? Please. Some of them still display their obnoxiousness quite clearly. One of the most obnoxious ones has Rihanna has her icon. Yeah. Someone who worships Rihanna is always a respectable source of advice and opinions. Whatever. I hate to admit it that at almost 29 years old, I still have my stan moments. As if that was not evident by now. But most of it is just sarcasm and exaggeration. It's not like I am out leaving dead rats in his mailbox or anything. Please. I'm not that nuts. And I really don't find him quite as flawless as I make him out to be. I could name a few things I find wrong with him, but I won't.

I think later on I am going to venture into the Larry Stylinson tag on Tumblr land. I have to see this for myself.

ETA 10:31PM: I am simultaneously amazed and horrified. WOW.

I keep catching myself every time someone on Tumblr writes "mgmt". I'm ready to say what do my flawless kings have to do with this Larry stuff, oh right it stands for management. *face palm*

ETA 12/4: Love the abundance of "Haylor" pictures coming out of the woodwork now. For God's sake, this bitch just broke up with the Kennedy kid. Not that he looks like someone who would even care. Boy doesn't look like the sharpest tool in the shed. But come on. It's bad enough she got a hold of him after his mother commits suicide. Then flaunts her new found "boy toy" all over the news? Does she have any kind of conscience? What a fucking beady eyed cunt. This stinks so bad of PR, I can practically smell it coming through my monitor. Shit like this is why I usually cannot ever be bothered with popular celebrities. Everything is so fucking fake!