Random Thoughts

So I did cave in and start the Ortho-Cyclen like I was supposed to on Sunday. I am kind of confused why I still had to start it even though I was expecting IT over the weekend when the paperwork says to take it the first Sunday after your period starts. And it did come Sunday. And I don't know if it has anything to do with the birth control or just a freak coincidence, but I can't recall ever having a period like this in my life.

I am sweating out the side effects of it. So far I have been okay. No mood swings, no really bad depression, etc. I was ridiculously emotional on Sunday night. I cried for 15 minutes straight for no reason whatsoever. But I think that would have occurred with or without birth control.

But the big thing is whether I am going to gain weight or not. Going on the internet offers no comfort. But I did find someone who asked a pretty damn good question on birth control:

Something I don't quite understand and kind of on this topic. I have heard many women (not necessarily on this board) say, "I gained 40, 60, 100 pounds on the pill" What I don't get is when they noticed their weight going up, didn't it occur to them that maybe the pill was to blame. I can tell you that if I gained even 5 lbs on the pill, I would notice and if it got to be more than that I would go off the pill or at least try another one. Why do people just stick w/ the same pill as they see their weight climb off the chart? (source)

That's what I have been wondering. Why would you stay on something that is clearly making you gain weight? I mean, surely people have to realize it's the pills, right? If weight was never a problem and suddenly it is after starting pills, people surely have to make that correlation? When I started on anti-psychotics, the first little bit of weight gain I saw, I demanded to go off of it. There was absolutely no way in hell I was going to stay on something that put 10 pounds on me in two weeks. If I stayed on it, how in the hell much more would I have gained? And if I get on the scale this week and see any significant increase in my weight, I am going to freak out. I have been eating exactly the same way I do every other week. But I am a little more cautious.

And if you do gain weight on them, why do you? Is it just the appetite increase? Hormones? What is it? Some people say that the reason for weight gain on anti-psychotics is due to appetite increase. Not in my case. I ate the same and still gained weight. It's all so confusing. I don't like taking pharmaceuticals. Especially ones that are messing with my endocrine system.

I'm supposed to go out for my birthday on Saturday and I have to laugh how my sister has basically made the decision that we are going to see The Hobbit. I want to see it, don't get me wrong. I have been waiting for this movie since I read the book back in 2003. But I am just not in the mood right now to go and sit through a 3 hour movie. Especially not one that just opened. I don't understand why everyone in my family knows that no matter how much I want to see a movie, I hate to go to movies that just opened and yet somehow I still find myself being drug to movies I want to see during special engagement. I am not in a rush to see this movie.

I was reading some article over on Jezebel about not wanting kids and someone in the comment section gave the condescending "you might change your mind!" and one of the reasons was "Maybe the biological urge hit (and, believe me, it can hit hard) or maybe you met someone really wonderful and he really wanted a family and he convinced you or maybe your sister had a baby and wow, you realized you wanted one, too or maybe your mom died unexpectedly and you just realized that you wanted a baby because you wanted a family". I can admit with a 100% honesty that that is certainly not happening to me. If anything, my sister's pregnancy is pushing me further away from wanting kids. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to see my niece or nephew. But the amount of work that has to go into having a kid.....I just can't with it. And I'll be more than happy to be around the baby, and watch it and change it and all that, but I still do not want one of my own. There is too much in life I'd rather do than have a kid. Like travel. And I hate when people argue that oh you can still do things, like travel, with kids. Why in the fuck do I want to drag a kid on a plane to go to Europe or wherever? And then get there and not get to do anything because the kid is screaming or crying or tired or whatever. No. I'll pass, thank you.

And then there are the slew of other reasons I have repeatedly covered. And the Connecticut shooting has made me want kids even less. You know, I see the parents on TV and I don't know how they do it. I don't know how they can say they forgive the shooter. They clearly are better people than I am, because I never would. I don't know how anyone can forgive someone for killing a loved one. My compassion for mentally ill people is pretty large, probably larger than most people's, but I have my limits. And killing people in cold-blooded murder is where I draw the line. I can partly understand the shooter's fear of being committed and possibly placed under a conservator ship. I live with the fear pretty much every day of my life of someone finding a reason to commit me. But that is absolutely no reason to go around killing people.

But forgiveness wouldn't matter, because if someone took my child away from me like this, I would never be able to handle it. I would either die of a broken heart or I would commit suicide.