Monday, April 30, 2012
Random Thoughts
Well, at least I had a decent weekend for once. Friday I attempted to go see American Reunion with my sister and brother-in-law, but we ended up getting a refund for our tickets because the theater was packed. We ended up at Target instead. Saturday, I finally got my Longhorn fix, and then went to see The Five Year Engagement. Nothing terribly exciting, but better than sitting in.
It's strange, when I started this post, I had a mindful of things to discuss and now my head is completely blank of what those things were. I got distracted looking at another webpage and guess I lost it all somewhere in that time. I have been comparing health information technology programs between the two closest community colleges. It's not particularly my ideal field, but I would like to go into the healthcare field and preferably something with nonpatient contact, and HIT seems to be the best match. The community college I did attend, their program you have to be admitted in to. The other school you do not. I'd rather go with the latter, provided all of my 29 credits transfer, although 2 of those credits would have to be disregarded. My school's medical terminology course was only worth 2 credits and the other school (and pretty much any other college, should I decide to go on for a Bachelor's, which I certainly would like to, but just taking the step to get an associate's is borderline overwhelming to me) is worth 3.
I just want to pull my life back together. I was so thrilled back in 2009 when I got my job that finally, I could start stitching up bits and parts of my life. Only to have it all unravel again in August of this past year. And yeah, okay, maybe I am making a bigger deal of it than what is necessary, but it was such a long ridiculous nightmare before I got that job and I remember constantly saying I hope I never have to go through something like this again, only for it to happen all over again. Just thank god I didn't end up in the hospital again, although I don't deny that I have seriously thought of going there again. I think my experience there would be a lot different than last time because I know what to expect this time around. And like I have said before, I would not allow anyone on staff to treat me the way those assholes did when I was there.
But I don't want to talk about this anymore. It was a life experience that I would prefer to stay in the past and be forgotten, but as of now, that is not happening, because my mind is stuck on PAST and doesn't seem to want to move forward.
I still have people making comments to be about not losing any more weight, despite the fact that I have not lost any weight since last year. I have been maintaining my weight since before the wedding. And possibly even up a couple pounds since then. I have finally reached the point that I am actually happy with my weight. Do I still have days where I wish I was thinner? Of course. But it has been so many damn years since I have been happy with my weight. And naturally, something else has to go wrong. I am finally happy with my weight and I don't feel good. And I can't get an answer. And we should all know by know what I think the answer is.
And I swear, almost every week something new comes along to convince me I have it. What I think looks like nail beading was what, last week or so? My arm is still sore from when I banged my head against it, so right away I recall reading about people who were diagnosed with it having a difficult time recovering from injuries. It's always goddamn something. I've said it before, at least a hundred times, but for the love of God, I just want this fear to go away. It would just be nice to one day not have to look at my face and try to recall if it was lighter before or if that freckle or this freckle was there before, or to not have to take my blood pressure. I was actually on Google the other day researching the price of an ACTH stimulation test, because I just don't know what else to do. I don't know what else I could do to get rid of it. I am at my wit's end and I am starting to get afraid that this obsession is going to drive me mad. Mad to the point that one day I am going to decide suicide is the only way I can get away from it. And it does not help that I have a list that seems to grow almost everyday to help contribute in making that decision one day.
But somehow I have a feeling that asking for the test would be difficult. I have read many stories of people who were eventually diagnosed with Addison's and what they went through to get the diagnosis was unreal, including many being told it was in their head. The fact that so many of these people came in with very clear signs of the disease and were still being refused the test by doctors tells me I would probably have similar, if not worse, difficulties in having the test done. Nor do I particularly want to have it done unless someone truly suspects I have it. Having had subjected myself to a bone scan and being injected with radioactive stuff for no reason was enough. Being injected with a synthetic hormone freaks me out just as much, if not more.
And this neverending heartburn is starting to drive me up the wall. Medicine is not taking it away for anything. I have woken up every morning this weekend with a sore throat and hoarseness. I must have enough acid to take the paint off of an entire car.
And as if I am not upset enough about vacation, it just occured to me that I probably am not going to get any sleep. My sister has been having trouble sleeping because her husband has been snoring like the hounds of hell, and when we go on vacation, I share the double bedroom with them. I have a difficult enough time falling asleep, and if it's not quiet enough to hear a pin drop, forget it. And when I don't sleep, I am a miserable bitch. I am seriously about to just stay home.
On a less negative note, tonight's Yo Gabba Gabba was the "Art" episode. Two times in one week! To what do I owe this honor?!
It's strange, when I started this post, I had a mindful of things to discuss and now my head is completely blank of what those things were. I got distracted looking at another webpage and guess I lost it all somewhere in that time. I have been comparing health information technology programs between the two closest community colleges. It's not particularly my ideal field, but I would like to go into the healthcare field and preferably something with nonpatient contact, and HIT seems to be the best match. The community college I did attend, their program you have to be admitted in to. The other school you do not. I'd rather go with the latter, provided all of my 29 credits transfer, although 2 of those credits would have to be disregarded. My school's medical terminology course was only worth 2 credits and the other school (and pretty much any other college, should I decide to go on for a Bachelor's, which I certainly would like to, but just taking the step to get an associate's is borderline overwhelming to me) is worth 3.
I just want to pull my life back together. I was so thrilled back in 2009 when I got my job that finally, I could start stitching up bits and parts of my life. Only to have it all unravel again in August of this past year. And yeah, okay, maybe I am making a bigger deal of it than what is necessary, but it was such a long ridiculous nightmare before I got that job and I remember constantly saying I hope I never have to go through something like this again, only for it to happen all over again. Just thank god I didn't end up in the hospital again, although I don't deny that I have seriously thought of going there again. I think my experience there would be a lot different than last time because I know what to expect this time around. And like I have said before, I would not allow anyone on staff to treat me the way those assholes did when I was there.
But I don't want to talk about this anymore. It was a life experience that I would prefer to stay in the past and be forgotten, but as of now, that is not happening, because my mind is stuck on PAST and doesn't seem to want to move forward.
I still have people making comments to be about not losing any more weight, despite the fact that I have not lost any weight since last year. I have been maintaining my weight since before the wedding. And possibly even up a couple pounds since then. I have finally reached the point that I am actually happy with my weight. Do I still have days where I wish I was thinner? Of course. But it has been so many damn years since I have been happy with my weight. And naturally, something else has to go wrong. I am finally happy with my weight and I don't feel good. And I can't get an answer. And we should all know by know what I think the answer is.
And I swear, almost every week something new comes along to convince me I have it. What I think looks like nail beading was what, last week or so? My arm is still sore from when I banged my head against it, so right away I recall reading about people who were diagnosed with it having a difficult time recovering from injuries. It's always goddamn something. I've said it before, at least a hundred times, but for the love of God, I just want this fear to go away. It would just be nice to one day not have to look at my face and try to recall if it was lighter before or if that freckle or this freckle was there before, or to not have to take my blood pressure. I was actually on Google the other day researching the price of an ACTH stimulation test, because I just don't know what else to do. I don't know what else I could do to get rid of it. I am at my wit's end and I am starting to get afraid that this obsession is going to drive me mad. Mad to the point that one day I am going to decide suicide is the only way I can get away from it. And it does not help that I have a list that seems to grow almost everyday to help contribute in making that decision one day.
But somehow I have a feeling that asking for the test would be difficult. I have read many stories of people who were eventually diagnosed with Addison's and what they went through to get the diagnosis was unreal, including many being told it was in their head. The fact that so many of these people came in with very clear signs of the disease and were still being refused the test by doctors tells me I would probably have similar, if not worse, difficulties in having the test done. Nor do I particularly want to have it done unless someone truly suspects I have it. Having had subjected myself to a bone scan and being injected with radioactive stuff for no reason was enough. Being injected with a synthetic hormone freaks me out just as much, if not more.
And this neverending heartburn is starting to drive me up the wall. Medicine is not taking it away for anything. I have woken up every morning this weekend with a sore throat and hoarseness. I must have enough acid to take the paint off of an entire car.
And as if I am not upset enough about vacation, it just occured to me that I probably am not going to get any sleep. My sister has been having trouble sleeping because her husband has been snoring like the hounds of hell, and when we go on vacation, I share the double bedroom with them. I have a difficult enough time falling asleep, and if it's not quiet enough to hear a pin drop, forget it. And when I don't sleep, I am a miserable bitch. I am seriously about to just stay home.
On a less negative note, tonight's Yo Gabba Gabba was the "Art" episode. Two times in one week! To what do I owe this honor?!
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Picture Of The Day
*sniffs* So true.
Speaking of which, this was my horoscope yesterday:
Of course I know what it's like. I am the goddamn queen of unrequited love. I have yet to turn it into something beautiful, though.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Dammit
For the hell of it, I decided to sign into my MySpace account and while I was looking around at different things, I decided to check my mailbox and I found a message from my friend who died in the car accident and after I read it, I burst into tears. And it didn't help that I was listening to "I Found A Whistle" while I was reading it. And now I can't stop crying. And I am having erratic heartbeats again, where I can feel my heart pause and then start up with a big thump, which is making me even more upset and anxious and making me almost hyperventilate, which is wreaking even more havoc on my heart rate.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Random Thoughts
As I said, I had to go to the dentist on Tuesday. And it would have been good. Because I am uninsured, my dentist exam fee was waived, my x-ray fees were waived, and I had to pay $100 for the entire visit. Now I mentioned before that I had a tooth bothering me. No cavities were found. Thought I was in the clear of having to put out anymore money....and then I was told I had a chip in a filling in my very back molar. So now I have to put out $180 to have that filled in. I am so annoyed. I was so worried that I would have to pay a ton of money for a cavity. Instead now I have to put out money to have a stupid filling fixed. Oh and my tooth is still bothering me. GRRR!
My head had been hurting on the left side pretty much all day and I keep getting a stabbing pain over my left eye. It's not a bad ache, just very annoying. And earlier I started wondering if maybe it had something to do with me banging my head against the wall the other night. And I started to get a little worried. And then I thought oh who fucking cares? I really do not.
This self-injuring has to stop. But when I do it, it's just like when I snap out on someone- it's like something has taken over my body and I am not myself when I do it. I don't want to end up injuring myself really bad, like breaking a bone. No. I don't need that right now.
I wish one day I could read something on Addison's disease that would basically be concrete evidence that I do not have it. Honestly I felt a lot worse back when it first started and like I said before, my mother always tells me that if I did have it, she thinks I would be feeling a lot worse than I do and I would be progessively feeling worse. Which makes sense. But again, then I read "The gradual onset and nonspecific nature of early symptoms often lead to an incorrect initial diagnosis of neurosis" (source) and "Unfortunately, the slowly progressive chronic symptoms are usually missed or ignored until a sudden event like a flu virus, an accident, or the need for surgery suddenly precipitates a dramatic change for the worse because of the deficient response from the adrenals to one of these stresses" (source) and I get nervous all over again.
Also, it doesn't help that I seem to be experiencing orthostatic hypotension symptoms (with no proof of blood pressure drop yet) more than usual. I am like a caged animal most of the day because I don't know what to do standing up but I get sick with worry every time that I sit or lay down, that when I go to get up, I am going to feel lightheaded. And it's making me really irritable, on top of everything else. I have been sleeping horribly. I cry almost every night before I go to bed. My head won't stop running. Lack of sleep, suicidal ideation, exhaustion, multiple obsessions, the need to constantly analyze my skin- it's all turning me into one cranky bitch.
I am tired of suicidal ideation. I have no formulated plan or anything, just a terribly strong desire to die. Sure I have suicidal fantasies, sick twisted ideas like blowing my brains out with "Time To Pretend" blasting or running and jumping off a bridge or flooring my car into a concrete wall, but they are never any methods I would really want to use. I feel that I am just too awful of a person to deserve happiness, and therefore do not deserve to be alive. I am no fucking good. Every so often I hear of deaths on the news, or read about them in the paper, and I wish I had been taken instead of that person, because I feel that person was not evil and deserved to live more than me. I saw an obituary in the paper earlier and a 15 year-old kid had died and it made me sad. I probably would have cried if I had been alone in the room.
I read a new MGMT post earlier and this was my reaction to it. And I noticed Andrew has a stain on his shirt in the first picture. It's distracting me to no end; I want to rub a Tide stick on it. And I want to brush (and perhaps maybe wash) his hair. Also, why do people keep comparing Andrew to Jake Gyllenhaal? I do not see the resemblence. At all.
And you know what else annoys me? I fanned Ben and Andrew on Facebook. I don't know if it's their actual fanpages or not, but they seem close to legit. The difference in number of fans between the two is ridiculously huge. I'm talking close to 47,000 for Andrew and almost 3,000 for Ben. What the hell? I'd be a LIAR if I said I didn't get the Andrew worship, but I do not understand the dislike for Ben. It's incomprehensible. How can anyone like MGMT, but not like Ben? You have to like the both of them! They're two halves of a whole! You can't like one without the other! It's like saying you love ice cream sandwiches, but then saying you hate the ice cream in the middle! Or saying you love an Oreo Blizzard, but hate Oreos! I don't even know if that makes sense!
My head had been hurting on the left side pretty much all day and I keep getting a stabbing pain over my left eye. It's not a bad ache, just very annoying. And earlier I started wondering if maybe it had something to do with me banging my head against the wall the other night. And I started to get a little worried. And then I thought oh who fucking cares? I really do not.
This self-injuring has to stop. But when I do it, it's just like when I snap out on someone- it's like something has taken over my body and I am not myself when I do it. I don't want to end up injuring myself really bad, like breaking a bone. No. I don't need that right now.
I wish one day I could read something on Addison's disease that would basically be concrete evidence that I do not have it. Honestly I felt a lot worse back when it first started and like I said before, my mother always tells me that if I did have it, she thinks I would be feeling a lot worse than I do and I would be progessively feeling worse. Which makes sense. But again, then I read "The gradual onset and nonspecific nature of early symptoms often lead to an incorrect initial diagnosis of neurosis" (source) and "Unfortunately, the slowly progressive chronic symptoms are usually missed or ignored until a sudden event like a flu virus, an accident, or the need for surgery suddenly precipitates a dramatic change for the worse because of the deficient response from the adrenals to one of these stresses" (source) and I get nervous all over again.
Also, it doesn't help that I seem to be experiencing orthostatic hypotension symptoms (with no proof of blood pressure drop yet) more than usual. I am like a caged animal most of the day because I don't know what to do standing up but I get sick with worry every time that I sit or lay down, that when I go to get up, I am going to feel lightheaded. And it's making me really irritable, on top of everything else. I have been sleeping horribly. I cry almost every night before I go to bed. My head won't stop running. Lack of sleep, suicidal ideation, exhaustion, multiple obsessions, the need to constantly analyze my skin- it's all turning me into one cranky bitch.
I am tired of suicidal ideation. I have no formulated plan or anything, just a terribly strong desire to die. Sure I have suicidal fantasies, sick twisted ideas like blowing my brains out with "Time To Pretend" blasting or running and jumping off a bridge or flooring my car into a concrete wall, but they are never any methods I would really want to use. I feel that I am just too awful of a person to deserve happiness, and therefore do not deserve to be alive. I am no fucking good. Every so often I hear of deaths on the news, or read about them in the paper, and I wish I had been taken instead of that person, because I feel that person was not evil and deserved to live more than me. I saw an obituary in the paper earlier and a 15 year-old kid had died and it made me sad. I probably would have cried if I had been alone in the room.
I read a new MGMT post earlier and this was my reaction to it. And I noticed Andrew has a stain on his shirt in the first picture. It's distracting me to no end; I want to rub a Tide stick on it. And I want to brush (and perhaps maybe wash) his hair. Also, why do people keep comparing Andrew to Jake Gyllenhaal? I do not see the resemblence. At all.
And you know what else annoys me? I fanned Ben and Andrew on Facebook. I don't know if it's their actual fanpages or not, but they seem close to legit. The difference in number of fans between the two is ridiculously huge. I'm talking close to 47,000 for Andrew and almost 3,000 for Ben. What the hell? I'd be a LIAR if I said I didn't get the Andrew worship, but I do not understand the dislike for Ben. It's incomprehensible. How can anyone like MGMT, but not like Ben? You have to like the both of them! They're two halves of a whole! You can't like one without the other! It's like saying you love ice cream sandwiches, but then saying you hate the ice cream in the middle! Or saying you love an Oreo Blizzard, but hate Oreos! I don't even know if that makes sense!
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Video Of The Day
I think I have finally started to like it enough to make it VotD:
That poor strange creature....except I would totally walk along and have various body parts fall off of me if I could trade places with that thing in the screen shot. O hai Androo! You can just keep on stroking my head there. Don't just sit there by yourself, Ben. You can join in as well. No, wait. I am not giving you an option here. You put that guitar down and get your ass over here.
God, I need to get laid already.
That poor strange creature....except I would totally walk along and have various body parts fall off of me if I could trade places with that thing in the screen shot. O hai Androo! You can just keep on stroking my head there. Don't just sit there by yourself, Ben. You can join in as well. No, wait. I am not giving you an option here. You put that guitar down and get your ass over here.
God, I need to get laid already.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The WTF Of The Day
I just sent my resume over to a company on Career Builder and after it went through, I was given a list of recommended jobs. One immediately caught my eye:
Clearly someone has been watching a lot of Dumb & Dumber.
Speaking of jobs, I have a sticky issue on my hands. Back when I first found out I was losing my job, my aunt's friend's niece had sent my resume to HR at her company. I came thisclose to having an interview, and then the company had to pull its current job opportunities. At first I thought maybe it was just a way to tell me they weren't interested, but I did eventually find out it was the truth. The niece told me back at the holidays that she would definitely keep an eye out and keep in touch with HR should it open up again. Well, it's opened up again. I want to say something to her about it, but I don't want to be pushy about it. But I need a job. I don't know what to do.
Ugh....I don't care if it's been almost 7 months since I lost my job....wait, holy shit, it's been almost 7 months already?! Sweet zombie Jesus, where has the time gone? Oh right. It's been flying by while I am slowly losing my sanity, which if I am eventually going to lose it completely, I wish it would just happen already because I can't imagine it getting worse. But anyway, 7 months and I still want to punch the wall every time I think of being laid off.
 |
Clearly someone has been watching a lot of Dumb & Dumber.
Speaking of jobs, I have a sticky issue on my hands. Back when I first found out I was losing my job, my aunt's friend's niece had sent my resume to HR at her company. I came thisclose to having an interview, and then the company had to pull its current job opportunities. At first I thought maybe it was just a way to tell me they weren't interested, but I did eventually find out it was the truth. The niece told me back at the holidays that she would definitely keep an eye out and keep in touch with HR should it open up again. Well, it's opened up again. I want to say something to her about it, but I don't want to be pushy about it. But I need a job. I don't know what to do.
Ugh....I don't care if it's been almost 7 months since I lost my job....wait, holy shit, it's been almost 7 months already?! Sweet zombie Jesus, where has the time gone? Oh right. It's been flying by while I am slowly losing my sanity, which if I am eventually going to lose it completely, I wish it would just happen already because I can't imagine it getting worse. But anyway, 7 months and I still want to punch the wall every time I think of being laid off.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Random Thoughts
Ugh, I hope when I go to bed tonight, I am able to sleep better. I have been having really bad insomnia lately and since I do not want to take sleeping medication, I have been taking a lot of Advil. I know it is a muscle relaxer, but I often wonder if the fact that I can fall asleep easier when I take it is really kind of a placebo effect.
I am also wondering if the wicked heartburn I have been having has anything to do with taking it. It has been exceptionally bad lately. Every time I eat, I get pain all across my shoulder blades. My stomach and esophagus feel completely raw. I took medicine earlier, but it didn't help.
I was having a really difficult time falling asleep last night because my mind was running on 100%. I went out and watched TV for a little bit. Went back to bed and I still couldn't fall asleep. I put my headphones on and started crying. Then I sat up and leaned against the wall and my mind really started running and I just wanted to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP! Instead, I banged my head against the wall, hitting it hard enough at one time to actually feel a slight vibration in my skull. And then I thought what the hell am I doing? This is about the third time this week that I have actually tried to physically hurt myself.
I don't understand what is going on with my personality lately and it's really starting to worry and scare me (and I will give you one guess what I am assuming has to do with it). I do not want to ever hurt another person (unless a loved one's life is at risk), but I am so scared that one day I will. I don't like how short tempered I have been feeling.
I am so stressed and overwhelmed from this stupid fucking disorder and I think I may have finally reached the point that it has finally taken over my life. I am so preoccupied with this stupid fear of having Addison's disease, although I think the fear is actually becoming more I am scared I have something wrong with my endocrine system and not specifically Addison's, and I am so preoccupied with constantly rerunning every thing I have done wrong in my life (which is basically everything) and berating myself over it, and some other things I am obsessing over, that I basically cannot do anything else. Which is only making everything worse. I am obsessing over my wrong doings, and I am so focused on obsessing over them that I basically cannot do anything, which is putting off fixing them, and leading to more wrong doings to obsess over.
And let's not forget my self image problems. It's been covered so many damn times, but it's getting bad. There are days I want to go out with my head covered because I feel so hideous and disgusting. I am so fearful of gaining weight and I am so disgusted by fat people. I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way, because I have been overweight.
And if you want the God's honest truth, and I really hate actually admitting this out loud, the whole reason I am scared of having Addison's is because I don't want to go on steroids and get fat. I would actually rather let myself die than gain weight from the treatment. I'd like someone to tell me that that is not a fucking sick thing to think, because I certainly think it is. I have never even told anyone this because I am so ashamed that I am actually that fucking shallow.
Being out of high school 10 years this summer and not being done school has become a terrible obsession for me and I can't stop berating myself over it and I don't even bother trying to fix it because I still find the fact that it took me so long unacceptable and unforgivable. I don't know how to stop dwelling over the past. I don't know how to forgive myself for making these mistakes. Yes, I understand humans make mistakes, but by God, there is a limit! I am so stuck in the past and I don't know how to move on. And I can't go back to school until I can finally forgive myself for not being done sooner and when I can finally reach the point where not getting a perfect grade isn't the end of the world and doesn't make me a bad person.
I am also wondering if the wicked heartburn I have been having has anything to do with taking it. It has been exceptionally bad lately. Every time I eat, I get pain all across my shoulder blades. My stomach and esophagus feel completely raw. I took medicine earlier, but it didn't help.
I was having a really difficult time falling asleep last night because my mind was running on 100%. I went out and watched TV for a little bit. Went back to bed and I still couldn't fall asleep. I put my headphones on and started crying. Then I sat up and leaned against the wall and my mind really started running and I just wanted to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP! Instead, I banged my head against the wall, hitting it hard enough at one time to actually feel a slight vibration in my skull. And then I thought what the hell am I doing? This is about the third time this week that I have actually tried to physically hurt myself.
I don't understand what is going on with my personality lately and it's really starting to worry and scare me (and I will give you one guess what I am assuming has to do with it). I do not want to ever hurt another person (unless a loved one's life is at risk), but I am so scared that one day I will. I don't like how short tempered I have been feeling.
I am so stressed and overwhelmed from this stupid fucking disorder and I think I may have finally reached the point that it has finally taken over my life. I am so preoccupied with this stupid fear of having Addison's disease, although I think the fear is actually becoming more I am scared I have something wrong with my endocrine system and not specifically Addison's, and I am so preoccupied with constantly rerunning every thing I have done wrong in my life (which is basically everything) and berating myself over it, and some other things I am obsessing over, that I basically cannot do anything else. Which is only making everything worse. I am obsessing over my wrong doings, and I am so focused on obsessing over them that I basically cannot do anything, which is putting off fixing them, and leading to more wrong doings to obsess over.
And let's not forget my self image problems. It's been covered so many damn times, but it's getting bad. There are days I want to go out with my head covered because I feel so hideous and disgusting. I am so fearful of gaining weight and I am so disgusted by fat people. I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way, because I have been overweight.
And if you want the God's honest truth, and I really hate actually admitting this out loud, the whole reason I am scared of having Addison's is because I don't want to go on steroids and get fat. I would actually rather let myself die than gain weight from the treatment. I'd like someone to tell me that that is not a fucking sick thing to think, because I certainly think it is. I have never even told anyone this because I am so ashamed that I am actually that fucking shallow.
Being out of high school 10 years this summer and not being done school has become a terrible obsession for me and I can't stop berating myself over it and I don't even bother trying to fix it because I still find the fact that it took me so long unacceptable and unforgivable. I don't know how to stop dwelling over the past. I don't know how to forgive myself for making these mistakes. Yes, I understand humans make mistakes, but by God, there is a limit! I am so stuck in the past and I don't know how to move on. And I can't go back to school until I can finally forgive myself for not being done sooner and when I can finally reach the point where not getting a perfect grade isn't the end of the world and doesn't make me a bad person.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Random Thoughts
Ugh, again with the erratic heart beats. This is annoying. Why couldn't all this shit start when I had medical? You know, I know way too many damn people who have insurance and refuse to go to the doctor. It makes me want to scream. It infuriates me. You have health insurance! Do you know how many people would trade places with you?!
I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. I am getting to the point where I am about to just put out the damn money to rule out Addison's disease. I can't take this fear anymore. It is literally overtaking my life, among any other obsessions I have.
The worrying just never ends. Now I have a tooth bothering me, which more than likely is probably a cavity. I go to get my teeth cleaned on Tuesday, which is going to be out of pocket. If I have a cavity, more money out of pocket. I am sick with worry that I am going to have more than one and it's going to cost me even more. Or that the cavity is going to be so bad I am going to require those things I had to have for the last two cavities.
I was about to freak out the other night, so I went out to my car to get myself together and I could not stop crying and I started punching my steering wheel. The rage I felt was terrifying. It scares the hell out of me when I feel anger and rage like that. So my arms have been a little irritated since then. And tonight I was annoyed so I banged my head on my arm and now my arm is really sore and now I am worried that I might have cracked the bone or something.
I am finding myself completely intolerable to live with. I hate all of my obsessions, my temper, how jealous I get of the most ridiculous things, my nastiness with other people. I can't stand how I cannot recall the last time I actually enjoyed something because my anxiety and suicidal ideation gets in the way. I am tired of putting on a phony happy front for people when all I want to scream at them is do any of you assholes realize just how much I fucking want to be dead?!
Look at computer viruses. What do you do with computer viruses? You kill 'em with antimalware programs. But what do you do when it's too far gone? You wipe out the software and reinstall it. I look at every bad thing in my head as a virus and unfortunately I feel like I have reached the point where antimalware software won't cut it. It needs an entire reinstall.
I just want to be happy. True happiness. Not medicine induced happiness. I saw a picture of Andrew the other day and there was just something about the smile on his face that made me cry. It was a smile of true happiness. I want to know what true happiness feels like, because I haven't felt it in over 15 years. I want to know what one day of not worrying about anything feels like. I want to know what it feels like to be in love with another human being.
I just want someone to take me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be okay.
I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. I am getting to the point where I am about to just put out the damn money to rule out Addison's disease. I can't take this fear anymore. It is literally overtaking my life, among any other obsessions I have.
The worrying just never ends. Now I have a tooth bothering me, which more than likely is probably a cavity. I go to get my teeth cleaned on Tuesday, which is going to be out of pocket. If I have a cavity, more money out of pocket. I am sick with worry that I am going to have more than one and it's going to cost me even more. Or that the cavity is going to be so bad I am going to require those things I had to have for the last two cavities.
I was about to freak out the other night, so I went out to my car to get myself together and I could not stop crying and I started punching my steering wheel. The rage I felt was terrifying. It scares the hell out of me when I feel anger and rage like that. So my arms have been a little irritated since then. And tonight I was annoyed so I banged my head on my arm and now my arm is really sore and now I am worried that I might have cracked the bone or something.
I am finding myself completely intolerable to live with. I hate all of my obsessions, my temper, how jealous I get of the most ridiculous things, my nastiness with other people. I can't stand how I cannot recall the last time I actually enjoyed something because my anxiety and suicidal ideation gets in the way. I am tired of putting on a phony happy front for people when all I want to scream at them is do any of you assholes realize just how much I fucking want to be dead?!
Look at computer viruses. What do you do with computer viruses? You kill 'em with antimalware programs. But what do you do when it's too far gone? You wipe out the software and reinstall it. I look at every bad thing in my head as a virus and unfortunately I feel like I have reached the point where antimalware software won't cut it. It needs an entire reinstall.
I just want to be happy. True happiness. Not medicine induced happiness. I saw a picture of Andrew the other day and there was just something about the smile on his face that made me cry. It was a smile of true happiness. I want to know what true happiness feels like, because I haven't felt it in over 15 years. I want to know what one day of not worrying about anything feels like. I want to know what it feels like to be in love with another human being.
I just want someone to take me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be okay.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Quote Of The Day
From "Anthology of Interest I":
Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy? Fry?
Fry: Um, I have a question. What if Bender was really giant?
Leela: You idiot! We already saw that.
Fry: I know. I liked it. I wanna see it again.
Farnsworth: We're not seeing it again! Ask something less stupid.
Fry: Oh, alright. How 'bout this? What if I never fell into that freezer-doodle and came to the future-jiggy?
Farnsworth: That question is less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Quote Of The Day
From "Anthology Of Interest II":
Fry: What do you monsters want?
Donkey Kong: One thing and one thing only: Quarters! A million allowances worth of quarters! No slugs or tokens.
The Awesome Of The Day
ETA 9:42PM: Oh you beautiful thing, you are finally in my hands! *sobs* I just finally got around to going and getting it a couple hours ago. I wanted to go sooner, but I have been kind of lazy and cranky today. My sister was surprised I wasn't pounding on the door of the library before it was even open. I have been bitching every day since April 6th about it not being back yet.
ETA 4/22: Maybe I am weird (well....), but after repeated listens, I don't get the hate for Congratulations. I have read critical reviews of it over on ONTD (except for the really big fans of MGMT; they all seemed to love it). I read one music journal review of it and it was unnecessarily scathing (What is this pedestal they look down at us from? What exactly is the woman implying? They're snobby? I hardly get a negative impression from the two. If anything, the only impression I get is they are eccentric. And that is not a bad thing. Oh, and that Andrew looks like he is mischievous, which I actually had my suspicions confirmed in an article I read. Now I need to find it. And calling them wankers? I'm SORRY?). I think the album is pretty good.
As for the songs, I really like "I Found A Whistle". It seems to be Congratulations answer to "Pieces Of What", in that it makes me feel very emotional when I listen to it. The way it's sung, it's just so incredibly beautiful and tears always start pouring down my cheeks when I listen to it.
I already knew "Flash Delirium". And like it. And yes, I still think of Ben laughing at that one part in the video and laugh myself every time I listen to it.
Then there is the almighty of all MGMT songs (to me; what can I say, like I said before, I love the way Andrew sings it), "It's Working". Thank god that Music Network critic didn't say anything bad about this song. Otherwise, I'd be catching a flight to shank a bitch.
"Brian Eno" and "Song For Dan Treacy" just make me want to dance. The latter also makes me think of those 1950's beach movies. I also always think in the Lolla 2010 performance of the former, there is this one part where it shows Andrew kind of from the back and side and he is like bouncing up and down along with the tempo and I started laughing so hard the first time I saw it.
"Someone's Missing" is good. I find myself singing it for several hours after every listen.
"Siberian Breaks" is the one song I have been dying to hear off of this album since I have heard so much praise of it (and that it is Andrew's favorite). It doesn't really catch my attention until about 4:55 into the song, and from about 6:00 to about 8:20 is probably my favorite part of the song. The last two minutes and ten seconds of it reminds me of some crazy 80's movie. I have a feeling it will be one of those songs that I will really start to like after a few more listens. After I finished listening to it for the first time, I tried to think of one word to describe it and the only word I could come up with was haunting, particularly the line "I hope I die before I get sold".
I found a little bit more to like in "Congratulations" than previous listens, although I still can't help but think of that poor weird creature in the video every time I listen to it.
And last but not least, "Lady Dada's Nightmare" just flat out creeps me out.
The Bitch, Please Of The Day
Police Handcuff Ga. Kindergartner For Tantrum
I snorted loudly at this part:
And then the article on MSNBC.com, Mommy Dearest says this:
My god, what is happening to the future generations? I never heard shit like this when I was younger. I saw fights here and there, and one time a kid threw an apple at a girl's head. That is about the worst I remember. But nothing like what you hear nowadays. This story, that little bitch that attacked her teacher over taking her fucking Halloween candy, kids killing gay classmates, elementary school children raping classmates, etc. It seems like more and more kids are becoming miniature sociopaths. What in the hell are parents doing at home, besides OBVIOUSLY NOT DISCIPLINING THEIR HEATHENS?! And this is one of those typical stories where Mommy and Daddy and their little precious snowflake never do anything wrong. It's always everyone else's fault. It's everyone else's fault that their little demon snowflake is a demon and it's everyone else's fault that they fucking suck as parents.
Oh, but it's okay. Their little brats will be sent to a psychiatrist, where they will be slapped with bipolar or ADD or conduct disorder or whatever new disorder of the month is out at the time, and then they will be put on medications that the psychiatrist is being largely compensated for prescribing, despite the fact that none of these monster drugs are approved for children under 18 and god only knows how much more they fucking up their already fucked up minds.
I snorted loudly at this part:
"Kids are being arrested for being kids," said Shannon Kennedy, a civil rights attorney who is suing the Albuquerque, N.M., school district, where hundreds of kids have been arrested in the past few years for minor offenses – including such things as having cellphones in class, burping, refusing to switch seats and destroying a history book. In 2010, a 14-year-old boy was arrested for inflating a condom in class.Kids being kids? Since when is tearing stuff off the wall, throwing books and toys, and throwing a shelf considered normal behavior for a kid? Typical uberliberal lawyer bullcockery.
And then the article on MSNBC.com, Mommy Dearest says this:
"She has mood swings some days, which all of us have mood swings some days," she told WMAZ-TV. "I guess that was just one of her bad days."Mood swings? I go through about a million mood cycles a day and you don't see me throwing stuff around. Okay, sometimes. But never at anyone. And usually in private, because it's very rare I will ever allow someone to actually see me get really angry. But mood swings and a bad day are the reasoning behind her disgusting behaviour? Give me a break.
My god, what is happening to the future generations? I never heard shit like this when I was younger. I saw fights here and there, and one time a kid threw an apple at a girl's head. That is about the worst I remember. But nothing like what you hear nowadays. This story, that little bitch that attacked her teacher over taking her fucking Halloween candy, kids killing gay classmates, elementary school children raping classmates, etc. It seems like more and more kids are becoming miniature sociopaths. What in the hell are parents doing at home, besides OBVIOUSLY NOT DISCIPLINING THEIR HEATHENS?! And this is one of those typical stories where Mommy and Daddy and their little precious snowflake never do anything wrong. It's always everyone else's fault. It's everyone else's fault that their little demon snowflake is a demon and it's everyone else's fault that they fucking suck as parents.
Oh, but it's okay. Their little brats will be sent to a psychiatrist, where they will be slapped with bipolar or ADD or conduct disorder or whatever new disorder of the month is out at the time, and then they will be put on medications that the psychiatrist is being largely compensated for prescribing, despite the fact that none of these monster drugs are approved for children under 18 and god only knows how much more they fucking up their already fucked up minds.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Unwelcome Back
Well, I was starting to think maybe, just maybe, the Addison's fear was finally starting to phase itself out of my life. But no. No such luck. It's here in full force again. I just want to cry. I feel like this nightmare of an obsession is never going to end. I feel like I have a fucking parasite in my brain that just will not die. I just want it to go away and stay away.
I don't even know what brought it out again. I don't know if it was one day when I was inspecting my nails and I happened to notice what looks like beading. And then I remembered reading about nail beading being a sign of Addison's. I am not sure if that is what brought it out again (it never seems to go away completely, but I do go through periods where it goes on the back burner).
And with it being so hot the past couple days, I feel horrible. Every time I get in the shower, my heart starts beating erratically and skipping beats. I can actually feel my heart stop and then start up with a really hard bang. It scares the hell out of me every time it happens. It happened to me last night several times when I was in the shower and I started sobbing because it's such a horrible and terrifying feeling. I have been feeling light-headed and dizzy when standing more than usual. I keep getting random dizzy spells. I don't know how I am going to tolerate the summer. I don't even want to go on vacation because I am so afraid of how the heat in South Carolina is going to affect me. Seems like I won't be doing much this summer. I guess it's kind of a good thing I am more than likely not going to get to go to Musikfest, even though I am thisclose to giving my left leg to get tickets to go to it. I'd be too worried about getting sick if it's really hot. The whole not going still pisses me off, though, but I'll save that for another day.
And none of this is helping my anxiety. It's just making it worse and it's feeding into this stupid fear. It's also instigating that voice in my head that keeps telling me to kill myself already.
I need to get up to go watch American Dad and I am absolutely terrified to get up because I am so afraid I am going to feel light-headed and faint.
I don't even know what brought it out again. I don't know if it was one day when I was inspecting my nails and I happened to notice what looks like beading. And then I remembered reading about nail beading being a sign of Addison's. I am not sure if that is what brought it out again (it never seems to go away completely, but I do go through periods where it goes on the back burner).
And with it being so hot the past couple days, I feel horrible. Every time I get in the shower, my heart starts beating erratically and skipping beats. I can actually feel my heart stop and then start up with a really hard bang. It scares the hell out of me every time it happens. It happened to me last night several times when I was in the shower and I started sobbing because it's such a horrible and terrifying feeling. I have been feeling light-headed and dizzy when standing more than usual. I keep getting random dizzy spells. I don't know how I am going to tolerate the summer. I don't even want to go on vacation because I am so afraid of how the heat in South Carolina is going to affect me. Seems like I won't be doing much this summer. I guess it's kind of a good thing I am more than likely not going to get to go to Musikfest, even though I am thisclose to giving my left leg to get tickets to go to it. I'd be too worried about getting sick if it's really hot. The whole not going still pisses me off, though, but I'll save that for another day.
And none of this is helping my anxiety. It's just making it worse and it's feeding into this stupid fear. It's also instigating that voice in my head that keeps telling me to kill myself already.
I need to get up to go watch American Dad and I am absolutely terrified to get up because I am so afraid I am going to feel light-headed and faint.
Monday, April 16, 2012
The Stupid/WTF Of The Day
The K-E Diet: Brides-to-Be Using Feeding Tubes to Rapidly Shed Pounds - Yahoo!
Really? That's just stupid.
Then again, who am I to talk? I went down the shore yesterday and was so disgusted and annoyed by the time I got home (have I ever mentioned how fucking annoying my brother-in-law can be when it comes to going to places, especially the shore?), not to mention I was hormonal as hell and depressed as shit, so later on I ate the extra piece of pizza I had brought home and then went in and threw it up. I am pretty angry and disappointed with myself for doing that, since it's been a really long time since I ate something and then threw it up on purpose (except for this past fall when I ate the moldy cake). But resorting to a feeding tube? Fuck that.
Really? That's just stupid.
Then again, who am I to talk? I went down the shore yesterday and was so disgusted and annoyed by the time I got home (have I ever mentioned how fucking annoying my brother-in-law can be when it comes to going to places, especially the shore?), not to mention I was hormonal as hell and depressed as shit, so later on I ate the extra piece of pizza I had brought home and then went in and threw it up. I am pretty angry and disappointed with myself for doing that, since it's been a really long time since I ate something and then threw it up on purpose (except for this past fall when I ate the moldy cake). But resorting to a feeding tube? Fuck that.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Awesome Of The Day
Tears were flowing like Niagara Falls when I was listening to this story on the news:
Dog braves traffic to stick by fatally struck pal - Yahoo! News
God bless you, Grace. May a wonderful and caring family take you in.
Dog braves traffic to stick by fatally struck pal - Yahoo! News
God bless you, Grace. May a wonderful and caring family take you in.
Picture Of The Day
Old, but it is making me laugh hysterically:
The Fugly Mr. Ripley - Go Fug Yourself: Because Fugly Is The New Pretty
Why does he always look like he escaped from a psychiatric hospital?
The Fugly Mr. Ripley - Go Fug Yourself: Because Fugly Is The New Pretty
Why does he always look like he escaped from a psychiatric hospital?
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Random Thoughts
Every time I go through the TV stations to find something to watch, I come across some new reality show that I never heard of and I really have to wonder who actually watches these shows that they continue to come back. Texas Women? The Amandas? Southern Nights? Big Rich Texas? All of Vh-1's? Who are these idiotic nobodies? Who the fuck watches this shit?
The Simpsons were not on the other night so I was going through the channels and Wife Swap was on and it was some loud mouth Jersey Shore-like fat bitch from NJ. I just put shook my head and then put it in my hands. She was such a NJ stereotype- big hair, fake nails, fake tan, atrocious accent. And loud! I wanted to punch the TV screen because it annoyed me so much. And her daughter was 12 years-old and posting sexual pictures of herself in bikinis on the internet. And the way she spoke to her parents! My God, if I spoke to my mother like that, she would have put me through the wall. That family was the epitome of money can't buy class.
I am no Mensa, but stupid people really annoy me. Especially around that time of the month. My mother and I come home from running to some stores earlier and I am in the midst of changing my clothes in my bedroom and my father decides to come to the doorway and ask what we did. My shirt is half off and he still stands there. I felt like screaming "are you fucking stupid? I am changing here!". I swear to God something is really fucked up in his brain.
Back before I lost my job, my mother and I were actually planning on moving out. I know my mother really has nowhere to go, so I figured what the hell. But now I am at the point that if I do not get out on my own, I am going to absolutely lose my mind. I can't stand it anymore. And yet I feel horribly guilty about it, especially when she makes comments about how my sister would never take her in. Then I feel even worse. And like I really have no option. And at 28 years-old, I shouldn't have to feel guilty about wanting to go off on my own. But unfortunately I do.
And being someone who is easily guilt-tripped just makes everything worse. And sometimes I think people know that it is very easy to make me feel guilty, so they take advantage of it. This is why I never want to make decisions when it comes to deciding on night plans or where to eat or whatever. Every single time I make a decision on where to eat, something goes wrong and then I have to feel guilty about it. Well, I don't HAVE to, but I allow myself to.
Anymore, one thought keeps running through my head- are some people just not fixable? Are there people in the world that no matter what is done for them, they just cannot be fixed? Look at drug addicts. Some people can go through treatment and stay off drugs forever. Others keep relapsing. Sure, maybe some people just don't work as hard as others, but are there just some people that will never be able to get off drugs no matter how hard they try? Are they just not fixable? What if I am not fixable? At the rate I am going, I certainly feel like I am. There is just too much to fix. And so then I do the worst possible thing- I get so overwhelmed, I shut down completely. And start to feel really suicidal (but never have a plan).
Mother of God, I just discovered that AMC is running an all night Stooge-athon.
The Simpsons were not on the other night so I was going through the channels and Wife Swap was on and it was some loud mouth Jersey Shore-like fat bitch from NJ. I just put shook my head and then put it in my hands. She was such a NJ stereotype- big hair, fake nails, fake tan, atrocious accent. And loud! I wanted to punch the TV screen because it annoyed me so much. And her daughter was 12 years-old and posting sexual pictures of herself in bikinis on the internet. And the way she spoke to her parents! My God, if I spoke to my mother like that, she would have put me through the wall. That family was the epitome of money can't buy class.
I am no Mensa, but stupid people really annoy me. Especially around that time of the month. My mother and I come home from running to some stores earlier and I am in the midst of changing my clothes in my bedroom and my father decides to come to the doorway and ask what we did. My shirt is half off and he still stands there. I felt like screaming "are you fucking stupid? I am changing here!". I swear to God something is really fucked up in his brain.
Back before I lost my job, my mother and I were actually planning on moving out. I know my mother really has nowhere to go, so I figured what the hell. But now I am at the point that if I do not get out on my own, I am going to absolutely lose my mind. I can't stand it anymore. And yet I feel horribly guilty about it, especially when she makes comments about how my sister would never take her in. Then I feel even worse. And like I really have no option. And at 28 years-old, I shouldn't have to feel guilty about wanting to go off on my own. But unfortunately I do.
And being someone who is easily guilt-tripped just makes everything worse. And sometimes I think people know that it is very easy to make me feel guilty, so they take advantage of it. This is why I never want to make decisions when it comes to deciding on night plans or where to eat or whatever. Every single time I make a decision on where to eat, something goes wrong and then I have to feel guilty about it. Well, I don't HAVE to, but I allow myself to.
Anymore, one thought keeps running through my head- are some people just not fixable? Are there people in the world that no matter what is done for them, they just cannot be fixed? Look at drug addicts. Some people can go through treatment and stay off drugs forever. Others keep relapsing. Sure, maybe some people just don't work as hard as others, but are there just some people that will never be able to get off drugs no matter how hard they try? Are they just not fixable? What if I am not fixable? At the rate I am going, I certainly feel like I am. There is just too much to fix. And so then I do the worst possible thing- I get so overwhelmed, I shut down completely. And start to feel really suicidal (but never have a plan).
Mother of God, I just discovered that AMC is running an all night Stooge-athon.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Random Tornado Thoughts
With spring here, my usual anxiety over tornados is here. But with as bad as the weather has been in the Midwest, the anxiety has been taking up a lot more space in my head than usual.
They are rare where I live, and I have been through many tornado warnings, but I live in fear that one day will be the day one decides to actually hit my area. And I know without a doubt that should one hit my neighborhood, regardless of the strength of it, it would be very unlikely we would still have a house. And I always wonder what in the hell should we do whenever we do get a tornado warnings. My family and I should get out, but what in the hell do we do? Get in the car and drive? No, because you aren't supposed to do that, either. But there are no strong structures close by or ditches or anythng for us to even just go to. Provided we would have time to actually get in the car and drive off, you bet your bottom dollar I would be right in my car.
I briefly watched a storm chasing show yesterday and the chasers were practically about to orgasm in excitement at a forming tornado. And I am not going to lie, it was really fascinating and incredible watching it form. They are incredible to watch and if I wasn't such a chicken shit, I'd love to be a storm chaser. But knowing the damage they can cause and the lives they can ruin and take just completely takes away any fascination with them.
The National Weather Service has recently released a new tornado warning system, probably as a way to wake up people to the seriousness of what could be coming their way. Now I don't know about anyone else, but I practically wet my pants the second I see "a tornado warning has been issued for the following areas" across the bottom of my TV screen. If I saw one of those new warnings, I wouldn't have to worry about getting out of the house, because I would probably drop dead of a heart attack. That example used in the article is just that, an example, not even real, and I can actually feel my anxiety levels start to rise reading it.
Forget it if I ever heard a tornado siren. I don't even know if my area has them, but if they do, and I ever heard one....I am about 300% positive I would drop dead of a heart attack and/or stroke.
On another note, I see that Congratulations still has not been returned. *punches monitor*
They are rare where I live, and I have been through many tornado warnings, but I live in fear that one day will be the day one decides to actually hit my area. And I know without a doubt that should one hit my neighborhood, regardless of the strength of it, it would be very unlikely we would still have a house. And I always wonder what in the hell should we do whenever we do get a tornado warnings. My family and I should get out, but what in the hell do we do? Get in the car and drive? No, because you aren't supposed to do that, either. But there are no strong structures close by or ditches or anythng for us to even just go to. Provided we would have time to actually get in the car and drive off, you bet your bottom dollar I would be right in my car.
I briefly watched a storm chasing show yesterday and the chasers were practically about to orgasm in excitement at a forming tornado. And I am not going to lie, it was really fascinating and incredible watching it form. They are incredible to watch and if I wasn't such a chicken shit, I'd love to be a storm chaser. But knowing the damage they can cause and the lives they can ruin and take just completely takes away any fascination with them.
The National Weather Service has recently released a new tornado warning system, probably as a way to wake up people to the seriousness of what could be coming their way. Now I don't know about anyone else, but I practically wet my pants the second I see "a tornado warning has been issued for the following areas" across the bottom of my TV screen. If I saw one of those new warnings, I wouldn't have to worry about getting out of the house, because I would probably drop dead of a heart attack. That example used in the article is just that, an example, not even real, and I can actually feel my anxiety levels start to rise reading it.
Forget it if I ever heard a tornado siren. I don't even know if my area has them, but if they do, and I ever heard one....I am about 300% positive I would drop dead of a heart attack and/or stroke.
On another note, I see that Congratulations still has not been returned. *punches monitor*
Thursday, April 12, 2012
The Disturbing Post Of The Day
Every Girl In Hollywood Is Reportedly Crushing On One Direction (PHOTOS)
Their music is kind of annoying (e.g the one song my sister forced me to listen to one day in the car because apparently she likes it), but what the hell, I am not going to lie. A couple of them are cute. Not sure of the name of which one I think is a real cutie, but more than likely it's the popular one. Harry, or whatever, I think. God, that's a terrible name for a young kid. But anyway, he reminds me a tiny bit of Andrew (the wild curly hair, maybe?), although not nearly nor will ever be even nearly as cute. And could only dream of being even remotely as talented.
And before any of the psycho One Direction stan girls get their training bras in a twist, tell me this- can Harry write his own music? Play his own instrument? Play multiple instruments? Tell me- I honestly don't know, and I am far too lazy to look it up. But let's get to the most important issue- could he wear this and make it look good?
Give me a minute so I can stop laughing at that picture. Dear God, that outfit....only him.
Okay. And now that I know they are not underage like I thought they were, I don't feel nearly as bad and creepy. It's not like I find them hot or anything, just cute in a younger brother type of way, I guess. I do still feel creepy, though. I mean, for God's sake, I was probably about 10 years old when they were born. I was already in elementary school. So now I am going to go splash myself with holy water again and WHY? WHY DIDN'T I LEARN FROM LAST TIME?!
Their music is kind of annoying (e.g the one song my sister forced me to listen to one day in the car because apparently she likes it), but what the hell, I am not going to lie. A couple of them are cute. Not sure of the name of which one I think is a real cutie, but more than likely it's the popular one. Harry, or whatever, I think. God, that's a terrible name for a young kid. But anyway, he reminds me a tiny bit of Andrew (the wild curly hair, maybe?), although not nearly nor will ever be even nearly as cute. And could only dream of being even remotely as talented.
And before any of the psycho One Direction stan girls get their training bras in a twist, tell me this- can Harry write his own music? Play his own instrument? Play multiple instruments? Tell me- I honestly don't know, and I am far too lazy to look it up. But let's get to the most important issue- could he wear this and make it look good?
Give me a minute so I can stop laughing at that picture. Dear God, that outfit....only him.
Okay. And now that I know they are not underage like I thought they were, I don't feel nearly as bad and creepy. It's not like I find them hot or anything, just cute in a younger brother type of way, I guess. I do still feel creepy, though. I mean, for God's sake, I was probably about 10 years old when they were born. I was already in elementary school. So now I am going to go splash myself with holy water again and WHY? WHY DIDN'T I LEARN FROM LAST TIME?!
Random Thoughts
Every so often, I see those commercials for those Life Alert buttons- you know, help I have fallen and I can't get up- and it's all these old bats praising it and I have to wonder- why are old people only allowed to have them? Why can a young person living alone not have one? I could very well fall and not get up. And sure it's rare, but it is not impossible for someone my age to have a stroke. Or heart attack. Or some other kind of attack. It's age discrimination, I tell you!
Surprisingly enough, I never did crash last night. It took me forever to fall asleep. I was so wired and I was also horny as hell (stupid sexy pictures I looked at before I went to bed). I was going to take something to help me fall asleep, but I didn't want to wake up feeling like crap. Not that I wouldn't anyway, since I have been suffering from an exceptionally bad case of insomnia this week, but I am trying to keep from feeling any shittier than I already do.
And speaking of feeling shitty, I am really starting to worry how I am going to fare when the weather gets warmer. When I was over my grandparents' the othe day, it was warm in their place, and I really started to feel lousy. I am still occasionally having light-headedness when I stand up, but I still have no answer on whether my blood pressure is actually dropping or not. It seems to only occur when I sit in certain positions. If I sit on the couch with my legs up, like with my knees to my chest, or if I lay propped up on my bed, then it seems to occur. I can lay on my side completely flat and get up with no problem. I sit at the kitchen table and can get up with no problem. I really have no idea what could be causing this. It also seems to worsen when my allergies flare up. The only things I can think of are whatever is going on in my inner ears or that it has something to do with the apparent poor circulation in my legs.
Which I am starting to think may not be too crazy. The back of my legs were burning really bad the other day when I was cleaning. A burning like when you bend forward to touch your toes. Now I can ride my bike with no problem. But certain activities make my legs burn. And I don't like how my feet turn a purplish blue when I am sitting. I have no idea what is wrong with me.
And my period isn't here yet, so of course, now I am worrying over that.
Surprisingly enough, I never did crash last night. It took me forever to fall asleep. I was so wired and I was also horny as hell (stupid sexy pictures I looked at before I went to bed). I was going to take something to help me fall asleep, but I didn't want to wake up feeling like crap. Not that I wouldn't anyway, since I have been suffering from an exceptionally bad case of insomnia this week, but I am trying to keep from feeling any shittier than I already do.
And speaking of feeling shitty, I am really starting to worry how I am going to fare when the weather gets warmer. When I was over my grandparents' the othe day, it was warm in their place, and I really started to feel lousy. I am still occasionally having light-headedness when I stand up, but I still have no answer on whether my blood pressure is actually dropping or not. It seems to only occur when I sit in certain positions. If I sit on the couch with my legs up, like with my knees to my chest, or if I lay propped up on my bed, then it seems to occur. I can lay on my side completely flat and get up with no problem. I sit at the kitchen table and can get up with no problem. I really have no idea what could be causing this. It also seems to worsen when my allergies flare up. The only things I can think of are whatever is going on in my inner ears or that it has something to do with the apparent poor circulation in my legs.
Which I am starting to think may not be too crazy. The back of my legs were burning really bad the other day when I was cleaning. A burning like when you bend forward to touch your toes. Now I can ride my bike with no problem. But certain activities make my legs burn. And I don't like how my feet turn a purplish blue when I am sitting. I have no idea what is wrong with me.
And my period isn't here yet, so of course, now I am worrying over that.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Quote Of The Day
I am momentarily enjoying my bit of hypomania, because I don't give it long before I will probably crash and start crying. But anyway, from "How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back":
LaBarbara: [shouting] Husband, nooo!I love the way LaBarbara yells that line.
Hermes: Outta my way, wife! I wasn't cut out to be a bureaucrat anyway. I'm only anal 78.36% of the time!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
The Awesome Of The Day
I read this article in the Courier-Post on Sunday, but was not able to find a link to it on their website, so I scanned it instead. It was such a nice story and reminds me that some good does exist:
Sunday, April 8, 2012
An Angry Letter To A Fellow Library Patron
Dear Inconsiderate Asshole:
Take a look at this picture that I just screenshot a couple minutes ago:
The status says Congratulations is checked out. Notice that it says it was due on April 6th. That means it is to be returned to the library on April 6th. It is now April 8th and it is still in your possession! Why has it not been returned yet?!
Sincerely,
An angry library patron
ETA 4/9: I took a look at the status as of today and it is still listed as checked out. Aside from the fact that I am about to lose my freaking mind because I want to listen to the CD so bad and want it in my greedy little hands already, it's just rude. I always make sure my items are returned on time, especially if I know someone has requested whatever is in my possession.
Take a look at this picture that I just screenshot a couple minutes ago:
The status says Congratulations is checked out. Notice that it says it was due on April 6th. That means it is to be returned to the library on April 6th. It is now April 8th and it is still in your possession! Why has it not been returned yet?!
Sincerely,
An angry library patron
ETA 4/9: I took a look at the status as of today and it is still listed as checked out. Aside from the fact that I am about to lose my freaking mind because I want to listen to the CD so bad and want it in my greedy little hands already, it's just rude. I always make sure my items are returned on time, especially if I know someone has requested whatever is in my possession.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Video Of The Day
When I first listened to Oracular Spectacular, I only really liked "Weekend Wars" in addition to the three I already knew, but the more I listened to the other songs, the more I started to like them. "Weekend Wars", "The Handshake", "Pieces Of What", and "The Youth" are battling out for top spots. Then comes "4th Dimensional Transition". Then "Of Moons, Birds, And Monsters". "Future Reflections" hasn't grown on me yet. I am very impatiently waiting for someone to return my local library's copy of Congratulations so I can check out the rest of their music.
"Pieces Of What" has really tugged at my heart strings. I am not even sure of the meaning behind it, but I get very emotional whenever I listen to it. Repeated listenings of it were what got me through this past weekend and much of yesterday and today:
Now I have read several times on ONTD that they are not very good live (I have also heard occasional criticism of Andrew's, um, hygiene. Sure I have seen pictures of him where he looks like he may smell bad, but I still have a hard time believing it. Can anyone elaborate on this?). I heard them sing "Electric Feel" live from a Comcast On Demand video and while I won't say Andrew was bad, I can certainly see why he complained in an interview about singing it (the article is somewhere in their ginormous section of miscellaneous pictures on their Facebook page; a small part of me died when I read it). I haven't watched the video of them performing "Brian Eno" at Lollapalooza in a while, but I don't recall it being bad. Just fun.
Now I don't have the best hearing, but I don't think he sounded bad at all in the above video. I thought he sounded pretty good. In fact, I liked it so much, I didn't even realize I had tears rolling down my face while listening to it. Man, I am super hormonal.
"Pieces Of What" has really tugged at my heart strings. I am not even sure of the meaning behind it, but I get very emotional whenever I listen to it. Repeated listenings of it were what got me through this past weekend and much of yesterday and today:
Now I have read several times on ONTD that they are not very good live (I have also heard occasional criticism of Andrew's, um, hygiene. Sure I have seen pictures of him where he looks like he may smell bad, but I still have a hard time believing it. Can anyone elaborate on this?). I heard them sing "Electric Feel" live from a Comcast On Demand video and while I won't say Andrew was bad, I can certainly see why he complained in an interview about singing it (the article is somewhere in their ginormous section of miscellaneous pictures on their Facebook page; a small part of me died when I read it). I haven't watched the video of them performing "Brian Eno" at Lollapalooza in a while, but I don't recall it being bad. Just fun.
Now I don't have the best hearing, but I don't think he sounded bad at all in the above video. I thought he sounded pretty good. In fact, I liked it so much, I didn't even realize I had tears rolling down my face while listening to it. Man, I am super hormonal.
Someone Make This Monster Die
I would really like for someone who has attempted suicide to enlighten me on just how awful they felt before they decided to go ahead with it, because I can't imagine feeling any worse than I do right now and I still do not have the guts to even attempt it.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Pictures Of The Day
Oh No They Didn't! - MGMT @ Lollapalooza Chile
I lol'd at Will. I never seen him with his hair like that and almost didn't recognize him. I never seen so many curly haired guys in one band. It's like the curly hair mafia. It's so freaking cute.
I like the 6th picture. Turm to purrtenddddddddddd......
I fully agree with those who are saying that his new hair style makes him look older. I almost thought it was gray until I realized it was pink or purple or some mixture of both. The facial scruff, too. Not ancient, but older than his normal baby face. I was a little surprised at the pictures.
Doesn't matter, though. I'd still hit it six ways from Sunday. And now if you will excuse me, because as we all know I feel really dirty and perverted talking sexual about him, I have to go splash myself with holy water and OH GOD IT BURNS.
I lol'd at Will. I never seen him with his hair like that and almost didn't recognize him. I never seen so many curly haired guys in one band. It's like the curly hair mafia. It's so freaking cute.
I like the 6th picture. Turm to purrtenddddddddddd......
I fully agree with those who are saying that his new hair style makes him look older. I almost thought it was gray until I realized it was pink or purple or some mixture of both. The facial scruff, too. Not ancient, but older than his normal baby face. I was a little surprised at the pictures.
Doesn't matter, though. I'd still hit it six ways from Sunday. And now if you will excuse me, because as we all know I feel really dirty and perverted talking sexual about him, I have to go splash myself with holy water and OH GOD IT BURNS.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Random Thoughts
I don't know if it is the weather, or an impending time of the month, or just plain bat-shit, but this has been a very bad weekend for me. I don't have a plan or anything, but more times than not, I just wanted to put an end to all of the bullshit.
If you have noticed, I put a link on the side entitled Suicide: Read This First. The page says "but don't give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone". Which is exactly what I am doing. I am holed up in my bedroom nearly most of the day with "kill yourself already!" running nonstop in my head like some goddamn broken record. I want to talk to someone. I want to talk to someone and spill my guts and cry until I dry out my tear ducts. But I don't for some reason or another. I don't want to bother the person. I don't trust the person enough. I don't feel like the person cares enough about me to even waste my time confiding in them.
I can't even look forward to going to bed anymore. Oh, it's fine once I am asleep (although the dream I had the other night severely depressed me, but a little too embarrassed to elaborate right now), but sooner or later, something (usually my bladder) will wake me up and then the emotional assault starts. Reminding me of all the things I have done wrong (which is basically everything), how I now have another employment gap in my resume that is going to prevent me from getting jobs and I am going to have to explain when I do actually get interviews, how I need to go to someone and am too afraid to put out the money, what am I ever going to major in with college, how a decade later I am not done school, being a 28 year-old virgin, what a horrible nasty person I have become, how even college graduates are having a hard time finding a job nowadays, how I can't deal with my digestive system problems anymore.
And then there is the never-ending list of "what ifs". What if I never find a job, what if a tornado hits this year, what if something happens to a loved one, what if this fear of Addison's is not going away because I really do have it and my body is trying to warn me.
What if this, what if that. What if, what if, WHAT IF?! It just never fucking stops. I swear, sometimes that idiot from Jersey Shore wasn't so dumb running head first into a wall, because there are days where I would like to run head first into the wall. Anything to make it stop!
And it amazes me how almost 6 months later, this Addison's fear is still not going away. I don't particularly understand why exactly I fear it so much because if you want the truth, if I was diagnosed with it, I would very likely not treat it, regardless of it being life-threatening. I'm too afraid of the side effects of taking steroids regularly (okay, I will finally admit that I am referring mostly to the weight gain) and I just know that I would hold myself responsible for developing it, despite there being no real known cause. The guilt would be overwhelming. And it's kind of sad that those two things largely outweigh the benefits of treating it, as well as my little regard for my own life, and I am willing to put my own life at risk over it.
Besides, how would I treat it anyway? I have no health insurance. And when I do get it eventually, I am sure the insurance will play the "pre-existing condition" game, even though I thought that was supposed to be outlawed.
On another note, I watched an episode of Bizarre ER earlier and the first story was about this man who superglued a small black sequined hat to his head. Many lols were ensued.
If you have noticed, I put a link on the side entitled Suicide: Read This First. The page says "but don't give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone". Which is exactly what I am doing. I am holed up in my bedroom nearly most of the day with "kill yourself already!" running nonstop in my head like some goddamn broken record. I want to talk to someone. I want to talk to someone and spill my guts and cry until I dry out my tear ducts. But I don't for some reason or another. I don't want to bother the person. I don't trust the person enough. I don't feel like the person cares enough about me to even waste my time confiding in them.
I can't even look forward to going to bed anymore. Oh, it's fine once I am asleep (although the dream I had the other night severely depressed me, but a little too embarrassed to elaborate right now), but sooner or later, something (usually my bladder) will wake me up and then the emotional assault starts. Reminding me of all the things I have done wrong (which is basically everything), how I now have another employment gap in my resume that is going to prevent me from getting jobs and I am going to have to explain when I do actually get interviews, how I need to go to someone and am too afraid to put out the money, what am I ever going to major in with college, how a decade later I am not done school, being a 28 year-old virgin, what a horrible nasty person I have become, how even college graduates are having a hard time finding a job nowadays, how I can't deal with my digestive system problems anymore.
And then there is the never-ending list of "what ifs". What if I never find a job, what if a tornado hits this year, what if something happens to a loved one, what if this fear of Addison's is not going away because I really do have it and my body is trying to warn me.
What if this, what if that. What if, what if, WHAT IF?! It just never fucking stops. I swear, sometimes that idiot from Jersey Shore wasn't so dumb running head first into a wall, because there are days where I would like to run head first into the wall. Anything to make it stop!
And it amazes me how almost 6 months later, this Addison's fear is still not going away. I don't particularly understand why exactly I fear it so much because if you want the truth, if I was diagnosed with it, I would very likely not treat it, regardless of it being life-threatening. I'm too afraid of the side effects of taking steroids regularly (okay, I will finally admit that I am referring mostly to the weight gain) and I just know that I would hold myself responsible for developing it, despite there being no real known cause. The guilt would be overwhelming. And it's kind of sad that those two things largely outweigh the benefits of treating it, as well as my little regard for my own life, and I am willing to put my own life at risk over it.
Besides, how would I treat it anyway? I have no health insurance. And when I do get it eventually, I am sure the insurance will play the "pre-existing condition" game, even though I thought that was supposed to be outlawed.
On another note, I watched an episode of Bizarre ER earlier and the first story was about this man who superglued a small black sequined hat to his head. Many lols were ensued.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
