Random Thoughts

As I have said, I have been pretty damn horny lately. Like maximum level horny. So I just decided to take care of some that and managed to have three pretty damn good orgasms. Particularly the last one. I think if someone else had managed to give me one that good, I probably would have inflicted some body harm from the intensity of it. But I started to cry after the first one, and even harder after the last one. I am so damn frustrated with not having love, and even more frustrated that I probably never will because I am so damn incompetent when it comes to relationships with other people. I know what will happen- I will become way too attached, fly off the handle at the slightest sign of abandonment, hate love hate love, become ridiculously anxious about something happening to the person and become overprotective, etc. I'm a fricking mess.

And then I started thinking about how I have mentioned several times before that I envy crush's and unrequited love's significant others. I don't think I should, but I do. Maybe it's a normal feeling, I don't know.  Mostly, though, I think it's not that I am really jealous but more because these people are significantly more attractive than me and it makes me feel really bad about myself (because I don't do enough of that already). And whether I have a chance with the person (real life) or a snowball's chance in hell (celebrity), it still fucking hurts like hell. But there still is no reason whatsoever for someone who is almost 30 years old to look at her celebrity crush's girlfriend and think Jesus, she is perfect, you will never be that tall, never that thin, never that gorgeous, never good enough, you should just go kill yourself already.

Every time I think I have finally fully comprehended just how fucked up my mind is, some new thought comes along and knocks me for a loop. Why is it I am fully aware that certain thought processes are wrong and fucked up, yet it still doesn't change the way I feel?

And one thing I do not understand is why I feel envious of a male crush's female significant other, but if it is another male, or if it's a female crush, I don't feel the least bit envy. I'd almost say it is because I can't compare myself to a male, but if a female crush had a female significant other, I still wouldn't feel envious. I don't know, I can't make sense of it.

Let's not get into how bad I am still feeling over the refusal to do a transvaginal ultrasound on me.

I have made one mention on here of Tamar Myers' Magdalena Yoder series. I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue reading the first book I read, but I did. And I am actually on my eighth book. They're kind of silly, but they can be pretty funny. I like Magdalena's constant references to "sturdy Christian underwear". I don't know why that makes me laugh so hard, but it does. I pulled out a pair of panties the other day and immediately thought of the books. I don't wear sturdy Christian underwear, but in this day in age of thong thong thong thong thongs, they're pretty conservative (I wear low rise briefs, sometimes bikinis, depends on how fat I feel).

The latest one I am reading, though, Batter Off Dead, I am just not feeling it. Her psuedo stepdaughter Alison is really starting to get on my nerves. I know she is a teen, but her grammar (double negatives; so many double negatives) makes me want to chew nails. Magdalena's new found confidence is so damn annoying. And the hundreds of the references to breast feeding or about Magdalena's boobs being engorged.....oh my god who the hell cares?

I know there was something else I wanted to talk about, but....slipped my mind.

Quote Of The Day

From the book I am currently reading, The Crepes of Wrath, by Tamar Myers:

I returned to bed feeling guilty. I know it wasn't my fault Lizzie died, and the cause of her death was still unknown, but I was sure it was somehow my fault. It's because I am a Mennonite, you see- an Amish-Mennonite to be precise. My ancestors were Swiss Amish who adopted the Mennonite faith in my grandparents' generation. I am related by blood to virtually every Amish person alive, and perhaps half the Mennonites as well. Due to this excessive inbreeding I am, in fact, my own cousin. Give me a sandwich, and I am a family picnic. My point is, this restricted gene pool has produced a few interesting mutations, the most notable of which is the guilt gene. As a result, I am capable of feeling more guilt than a Baptist, Catholic, and Jew combined.

Hm, last time I checked I have no Amish or Mennonite in me, but I definitely would believe I have that gene. And speaking of which, I am almost half-way through the book and really starting to struggle in finishing it, BUT I feel guilty not finishing it. But it is kind of starting to annoy me. If I have to read "ach" or that Magdalena "wailed" about something, I am going to scream.