I'm really starting to get pissed with work now. As far as I last knew, my benefits were being paid through the end of April, then they would make a decision on what to do. May is more than half over and I have still yet to hear from anyone about what's going on with benefits, resumption of work, etc, anything at all. Was I forgotten about or something? It wouldn't be the first time I have been forgotten for things. Hell, there's even been times in work where my manager (supposedly) forgot to include me in meetings. Not even joking.
I mean, I can totally understand how people can forget me if I'm not physically in their presence, because for the most part I am extremely quiet when I'm around people. But then a part of me is like, if I have to remind people I exist, that's problematic. And it shouldn't be my responsibility to remind people I exist.
I know I am reaching the point where I'm taking this being furloughed far too personally now. I've always been taking it personally, but now a lot more than originally. I don't know why I am, but I just am. It's making me feel completely wretched, a loser, more proof that I'm a failure at life, you name it.
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Sunday, May 17, 2020
Wednesday, May 6, 2020
Random Thoughts
My tolerance for being furloughed is about to be reached.
I hate feeling this way, but I am starting to take being furloughed far too personally. Like it's bad enough the company laid me off before, then I just so happened to have to be chosen to be furloughed as well? It's been over a month, I got one text from my manager, and that was just to say hi and she misses me. Otherwise, nothing. I have no idea what the hell is even going on. And of course my mind is starting to really go to town, and I'm staring to get really scared that they're just going to decide to lay me off permanently.
I decided when I was first furloughed that I was going to try to stick with my normal routine as much as possible. But as my anxiety levels skyrocketed and my mood plummeted, it ended up not happening. I've been rolling out of bed no earlier than 10, and even that's a major effort. I have to force myself out of bed. I go to bed every night hoping something takes me during the night, but alas I still wake up every morning. I knew when I was feeling kind of good (possible hypomania?) back in the fall and early winter that a crash was inevitably going to come; however, I did not expect one this bad to happen.
And to add to everything I am already anxious about (which is basically everything), my mother is constantly complaining to me that she's worried about her stomach being so bloated and worried about having cancer, and I'm just ready to blow my brains out. I just can't even fathom that right now.
Oh, and I received an EOB a few weeks ago from my insurance that my endoscopy was denied due to not having preauthorization. Now maybe I should have found out about that before having the procedure done, but in my defense, any time I have needed preauthorization, the doctor's office always obtained it. Neither the doctor's office nor the surgical facility looked into it. If I have to pay for this, it's over $5,000.
I hate feeling this way, but I am starting to take being furloughed far too personally. Like it's bad enough the company laid me off before, then I just so happened to have to be chosen to be furloughed as well? It's been over a month, I got one text from my manager, and that was just to say hi and she misses me. Otherwise, nothing. I have no idea what the hell is even going on. And of course my mind is starting to really go to town, and I'm staring to get really scared that they're just going to decide to lay me off permanently.
I decided when I was first furloughed that I was going to try to stick with my normal routine as much as possible. But as my anxiety levels skyrocketed and my mood plummeted, it ended up not happening. I've been rolling out of bed no earlier than 10, and even that's a major effort. I have to force myself out of bed. I go to bed every night hoping something takes me during the night, but alas I still wake up every morning. I knew when I was feeling kind of good (possible hypomania?) back in the fall and early winter that a crash was inevitably going to come; however, I did not expect one this bad to happen.
And to add to everything I am already anxious about (which is basically everything), my mother is constantly complaining to me that she's worried about her stomach being so bloated and worried about having cancer, and I'm just ready to blow my brains out. I just can't even fathom that right now.
Oh, and I received an EOB a few weeks ago from my insurance that my endoscopy was denied due to not having preauthorization. Now maybe I should have found out about that before having the procedure done, but in my defense, any time I have needed preauthorization, the doctor's office always obtained it. Neither the doctor's office nor the surgical facility looked into it. If I have to pay for this, it's over $5,000.
Friday, April 10, 2020
Random Thoughts
I'm already beyond tired of being furloughed. I can't stand not having work to distract me. I still have no idea if my unemployment has been approved so I can start claiming benefits. I also know of at least a few people who were not furloughed, one being none other than my FWA. Because of course she wasn't. She's a defiant little brat yet somehow always manages to come out on top. It's so damn infuriating.
All day I've had an ungodly tickle in my throat. I feel like I was punched in the center of my chest, it feels heavy and ticklish, and I keep feeling like I have to take a deep breath. Of course I've been melting down all day that it could be Covid. I am due for my period tomorrow, which is starting to come on albeit slower than molasses, so I'm hoping it's just due to that, but it's still not very comforting. I have of course been taking my temperature obsessively, and the highest it's been today was 98.3, but even having no fever is not very reassuring.
On top of my sky-high anxiety/OCD levels, my depression levels are so damn bad right now, I'm having a very hard time dealing with all of my feeling. I can't stand not being able to see people normally. I'm tired of feeling so scared, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of everything. I swear if I wasn't so afraid of going (as well as how much it would cost me), I would seriously contemplate admitting myself to a psychiatric facility.
And to be honest, I have been feeling a lot more suicidal than normal; the only good thing is, I'm so terrified of going to a medical hospital that it's keeping me from actually harming myself for fear that if I'm not successful, I will end up at a hospital where Covid germs are swarming like a bunch of fucking roaches.
All day I've had an ungodly tickle in my throat. I feel like I was punched in the center of my chest, it feels heavy and ticklish, and I keep feeling like I have to take a deep breath. Of course I've been melting down all day that it could be Covid. I am due for my period tomorrow, which is starting to come on albeit slower than molasses, so I'm hoping it's just due to that, but it's still not very comforting. I have of course been taking my temperature obsessively, and the highest it's been today was 98.3, but even having no fever is not very reassuring.
On top of my sky-high anxiety/OCD levels, my depression levels are so damn bad right now, I'm having a very hard time dealing with all of my feeling. I can't stand not being able to see people normally. I'm tired of feeling so scared, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of everything. I swear if I wasn't so afraid of going (as well as how much it would cost me), I would seriously contemplate admitting myself to a psychiatric facility.
And to be honest, I have been feeling a lot more suicidal than normal; the only good thing is, I'm so terrified of going to a medical hospital that it's keeping me from actually harming myself for fear that if I'm not successful, I will end up at a hospital where Covid germs are swarming like a bunch of fucking roaches.
Sunday, January 12, 2020
Hmph
Tomorrow will be 14 years since I was admitted to that place. It certainly was not the most pleasant experience, and my mental state at that time was bad (at the time, if you had told me that I would one day not be the least bit afraid of MS, I would not have believed you in any way, shape or form), but it was not terrible. Why I cannot shake the trauma of the entire experience is beyond my understanding.
Saturday, March 9, 2019
The Bitch Is Back
Wow, I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I last graced everyone with my presence. I blame the Prozac. Since I started that shit, it's done nothing but take my ability to express my feelings (which I had issues with prior to starting Prozac) and just traps it inside me, leaving me with so much pent up miserableness that any day now I'm waiting for the mother of all breakdowns to come. And at the point I'm at, I'm not sure that's going to be such a terrible thing.
My FWA is pregnant again. And just as obnoxious as she was before. Everything is blamed on the pregnancy. Every time we walk by her or she walks by us, the hand has to start rubbing her belly. Bitching about this, bitching about that. And I want to be excited about her going out on maternity leave soon. But I'm fucking freaking out. And then it doesn't help that we've had a higher number of reviewers lately so the workload has been kind of light (first holiday season I was able to leave normal time), and one of them resigned on Friday. So now I'm really freaking out. And really beating myself up that I can't handle doing such a simple job that apparently any idiot can be hired to do. Of course I don't doubt that having anxiety and OCD doesn't contribute to that. I can't NOT care about the quality of my work like everyone else apparently does.
I've always suspected I've had misophonia but lately it's been really bad. Again, I'm not sure if this is something Prozac is contributing to (it was never this bad until I started Prozac). Nearly every little noise gets on my nerves, practically to the point where I honest to God wish I would go deaf just because I can't fucking stand it anymore. And one of the things that really gets under my skin is hearing people collate in work. Everyone is obnoxiously loud with flicking through paper and the sound drives me fucking bonkers. I'm surprised I actually have any teeth left because I grind them so hard the whole day in work. I can't stand the sound so much and every time I hear it I want to put my hands over my ears and start screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and over again. The level of agitation I feel every time I hear it can be terrifying.
There are so many days anymore where I wish I would just get the guts to end it already.
On the plus side, after years of chickening out, I finally did it in November- I went through with LASIK! It cost me a pretty penny but with the exception of dry eye (which I had some issues with before), so far so good.
But let me tell you- laugh heartily anytime you hear commercials about $250 an eye LASIK. You must hardly be nearsighted to qualify for that.
My FWA is pregnant again. And just as obnoxious as she was before. Everything is blamed on the pregnancy. Every time we walk by her or she walks by us, the hand has to start rubbing her belly. Bitching about this, bitching about that. And I want to be excited about her going out on maternity leave soon. But I'm fucking freaking out. And then it doesn't help that we've had a higher number of reviewers lately so the workload has been kind of light (first holiday season I was able to leave normal time), and one of them resigned on Friday. So now I'm really freaking out. And really beating myself up that I can't handle doing such a simple job that apparently any idiot can be hired to do. Of course I don't doubt that having anxiety and OCD doesn't contribute to that. I can't NOT care about the quality of my work like everyone else apparently does.
I've always suspected I've had misophonia but lately it's been really bad. Again, I'm not sure if this is something Prozac is contributing to (it was never this bad until I started Prozac). Nearly every little noise gets on my nerves, practically to the point where I honest to God wish I would go deaf just because I can't fucking stand it anymore. And one of the things that really gets under my skin is hearing people collate in work. Everyone is obnoxiously loud with flicking through paper and the sound drives me fucking bonkers. I'm surprised I actually have any teeth left because I grind them so hard the whole day in work. I can't stand the sound so much and every time I hear it I want to put my hands over my ears and start screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and over again. The level of agitation I feel every time I hear it can be terrifying.
There are so many days anymore where I wish I would just get the guts to end it already.
On the plus side, after years of chickening out, I finally did it in November- I went through with LASIK! It cost me a pretty penny but with the exception of dry eye (which I had some issues with before), so far so good.
But let me tell you- laugh heartily anytime you hear commercials about $250 an eye LASIK. You must hardly be nearsighted to qualify for that.
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Random Thoughts
I can't believe tomorrow will already be one week since my vacation ended. Two weeks since I left for vacation. Where on earth does the time go?
Not sure if it's post-vacation blues, post-period blues, or a mixture of things, but I have been so freaking miserable this week. I feel overwhelmingly depressed and the littlest things are making me want to lie down and just sob. I feel very unhappy right now.
And apparently I was wrong about Miralax messing with my period, because my period came 44 days this month. And right while I was on vacation. And since it came later than I expected I decided to go back on the Miralax and Peri-Colace regimen for a little bit. And it helped some during vacation, definitely helped this past Saturday, and some on Sunday. And since then I have not been able to go to the bathroom once. And I don't understand why. I'm taking two Peri-Colace pills a day, drinking tons of water, and Miralax- how the fuck is that not helping me go to the bathroom? Especially when it normally does! I'm so bloated and miserable and am starting to seriously worry I'm going to end up with a blockage.
Not sure if it's post-vacation blues, post-period blues, or a mixture of things, but I have been so freaking miserable this week. I feel overwhelmingly depressed and the littlest things are making me want to lie down and just sob. I feel very unhappy right now.
And apparently I was wrong about Miralax messing with my period, because my period came 44 days this month. And right while I was on vacation. And since it came later than I expected I decided to go back on the Miralax and Peri-Colace regimen for a little bit. And it helped some during vacation, definitely helped this past Saturday, and some on Sunday. And since then I have not been able to go to the bathroom once. And I don't understand why. I'm taking two Peri-Colace pills a day, drinking tons of water, and Miralax- how the fuck is that not helping me go to the bathroom? Especially when it normally does! I'm so bloated and miserable and am starting to seriously worry I'm going to end up with a blockage.
Wednesday, July 8, 2015
Random Thoughts
I knew my crabbiness and hostility last week was PMS rearing its ugly head; however, I still wasn't expecting to see my period 3 days sooner. I am heading towards the end of it and the post-period symptoms are appearing- heart palpitations, high anxiety levels, severe depression, etc. I also have this heavy feeling in my chest, my head hurts and feels horrible, and I am so damn exhausted I can't even stand it- and I haven't even really been sleeping that terribly.
The other day my boss announced she would be resigning next month. Sure, she drive me nuts, but folks, I'm fucking bugging about this. What in the hell is going to be replacing her? Is it going to be better? Worse? Will I lose my job? As much as I hate to admit it, I can't deny that my boss does allow me to get away with things another place wouldn't, like not having to talk on the phone (although to be fair, no one really uses their phones since the down-staffing in 2011) and she seems to have somewhat of a tolerance for my slow ass. Believe me, I know how frustrating it is when someone doesn't work as fast as others and isn't pulling their weight and believe me, my slow ass frustrates me more than people can imagine. And really, it's only one job that I am incredibly slow at. Unfortunately, that one job happens to be my main job function.
And what's going to happen with requesting time off? Doctor appointments? Etc? UGH.
And since this announcement, my mind has apparently been on a coffee-fueled sermon of pure torture. Reminding me what a loser I am, that if I lose my job it's my fault for being so slow, wondering if buying new scrub tops will jinx me, etc. In addition to constant reels of bad things happening to loved ones and the millions of other things I constantly obsess about.
And I always wondered when one would pop up on Cracked since they started these new personal experience columns and on Sunday I was not disappointed- a column finally popped up about the personal experience of what I presume to be a paraplegic. I can't tell you how hard I have to resist going to read it. Every time I think about it, I want to shoot myself.
Never in my life have I wanted to get away as bad as I do right now. Preferably from myself.
The other day my boss announced she would be resigning next month. Sure, she drive me nuts, but folks, I'm fucking bugging about this. What in the hell is going to be replacing her? Is it going to be better? Worse? Will I lose my job? As much as I hate to admit it, I can't deny that my boss does allow me to get away with things another place wouldn't, like not having to talk on the phone (although to be fair, no one really uses their phones since the down-staffing in 2011) and she seems to have somewhat of a tolerance for my slow ass. Believe me, I know how frustrating it is when someone doesn't work as fast as others and isn't pulling their weight and believe me, my slow ass frustrates me more than people can imagine. And really, it's only one job that I am incredibly slow at. Unfortunately, that one job happens to be my main job function.
And what's going to happen with requesting time off? Doctor appointments? Etc? UGH.
And since this announcement, my mind has apparently been on a coffee-fueled sermon of pure torture. Reminding me what a loser I am, that if I lose my job it's my fault for being so slow, wondering if buying new scrub tops will jinx me, etc. In addition to constant reels of bad things happening to loved ones and the millions of other things I constantly obsess about.
And I always wondered when one would pop up on Cracked since they started these new personal experience columns and on Sunday I was not disappointed- a column finally popped up about the personal experience of what I presume to be a paraplegic. I can't tell you how hard I have to resist going to read it. Every time I think about it, I want to shoot myself.
Never in my life have I wanted to get away as bad as I do right now. Preferably from myself.
Tuesday, June 16, 2015
Random Thoughts
Three weeks. It has been about three weeks that I have been having a funky heart rhythm, anxiety, and insomnia. WHAT IS GOING ON? I feel like crap. All I want is to sleep past 6:30AM just one goddamn morning. To not feel like my heart is going to give out any moment.
And right now I feel very bloated and my lower left side is feeling very crampy, as well as across my lower back. I had a little bit of very light reddish brown spotting earlier- right after I got off my bike after dinner. I hope to God this shit isn't starting up again.
I feel so goddamn depressed and I can't even figure out why, except due to being so anxious. I often wonder if I am depressed because I am anxious or anxious because I am depressed; I think it probably goes both ways, but I think it's the former more than the latter.
I am so damn frustrated with my work output. I was hoping that maybe once I was on medicine my concentration levels would improve, but so far there had been very little improvement, if any at all. I still have the attention span of a gnat.
It's graduation time everywhere and it's depressing the hell out of me. I never thought I'd be 31 years-old without a college degree (then again, a lot of shit that happened after high school I didn't expect to happen). And people will stand there and say oh it's never too late to do anything, which yes, is true. But what they don't realize is that even if I finally finish my degree one day it will still eat at me that I didn't finish when I was supposed to. Years from now, it will still eat at my that I dropped anatomy lab in the middle of the semester because I was so paranoid I was going to end up failing. Do you know what my average was when I dropped it? I had a fucking A average.
If I could go back to the time in 2005 when I decided to quit Effexor cold turkey and slap myself, I would. Believe me, I was having problems long before that, but that was the final push.
I wish I could go away for a really long time.
And right now I feel very bloated and my lower left side is feeling very crampy, as well as across my lower back. I had a little bit of very light reddish brown spotting earlier- right after I got off my bike after dinner. I hope to God this shit isn't starting up again.
I feel so goddamn depressed and I can't even figure out why, except due to being so anxious. I often wonder if I am depressed because I am anxious or anxious because I am depressed; I think it probably goes both ways, but I think it's the former more than the latter.
I am so damn frustrated with my work output. I was hoping that maybe once I was on medicine my concentration levels would improve, but so far there had been very little improvement, if any at all. I still have the attention span of a gnat.
It's graduation time everywhere and it's depressing the hell out of me. I never thought I'd be 31 years-old without a college degree (then again, a lot of shit that happened after high school I didn't expect to happen). And people will stand there and say oh it's never too late to do anything, which yes, is true. But what they don't realize is that even if I finally finish my degree one day it will still eat at me that I didn't finish when I was supposed to. Years from now, it will still eat at my that I dropped anatomy lab in the middle of the semester because I was so paranoid I was going to end up failing. Do you know what my average was when I dropped it? I had a fucking A average.
If I could go back to the time in 2005 when I decided to quit Effexor cold turkey and slap myself, I would. Believe me, I was having problems long before that, but that was the final push.
I wish I could go away for a really long time.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Random Thoughts
I swear every Sunday I feel worse and worse about going back to work. And I am getting to a point where I feel like the only way I am ever going to get out of that place is for it to close down or I drop dead. And I don't like feeling like I am stuck somewhere.
On Friday, our newest MA was leaving (at a time she designated herself) and I heard my FWA say something to her about seeing her the next day. And I thought son of a bitch, that means she was probably invited to the birthday party as well. But now I don't know if she actually wasn't invited though, or was and just didn't show up, because out of all of the photo albums that were posted yesterday on Facebook, she was not tagged in a single one. And if she was invited, then that defeats the theory that my family tried to convince me of- that my FWA was only invited because she has a baby, because this MA only has an adult son.
I don't know what in the hell Ms. Hail to the V's issue is with me, because I have never done a damn thing to her. And if she is still holding something against me because I came in with my nephew on the same day she brought her son in (when he was newborn) then she needs to sit the fuck down because 1) I wasn't working there then and therefore didn't even know who she was or that she had a baby and 2) like I knew she would come in with her son that same time. Sometimes she seems like she is cool with me and then she does some rude ass shit, like always leaving without saying a word (I think maybe once or twice she has actually said good-bye to me). She ignores me in the morning, so I always make the effort to say good-morning even though I really don't want to. I don't get it. I don't get why she would have a problem with me. I don't expect everyone to like me, but I don't appreciate being disliked for no damn reason. Or there is just the possibility she has no problem with me and is just a miserable bitch. But I doubt it.
And I am so sick and tired of every time something she didn't do being questioned, everyone runs to her defense and says she didn't have time to do it. It's always she didn't have time to do it. Oh, but she always has time to play on her phone or talk to my FWA for a half-hour + or play on Facebook or Groupon or print stuff out for her kid for school. Sure, okay.
The other day she got up and left without saying a word and I said to my FWA "did you ever feel like just turning to someone and asking them what the fuck is their problem with you?". She said she doesn't know why anyone would have a problem with me, since I am very quiet and mostly stick to myself, and she claims no one has ever said anything to her about me, but this is my FWA we're talking about. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. After all, she is the same person who supposedly said that if my boss should be getting on anyone it should be me. Then again, this also came from our newest MA, who I am honestly starting to question if I can trust. Frankly I don't know who can I trust in there or anywhere anymore.
I have been so fucking miserable since Friday. My sister had people over on Friday night and I didn't even go because I felt so miserable. I feel depressed as hell and I don't even know why.
10:17AM: I just realized that minus tomorrow, Ms. Hail to the V is going to be in the office all week. Out-fucking-standing! Just what I want to see all week!
On Friday, our newest MA was leaving (at a time she designated herself) and I heard my FWA say something to her about seeing her the next day. And I thought son of a bitch, that means she was probably invited to the birthday party as well. But now I don't know if she actually wasn't invited though, or was and just didn't show up, because out of all of the photo albums that were posted yesterday on Facebook, she was not tagged in a single one. And if she was invited, then that defeats the theory that my family tried to convince me of- that my FWA was only invited because she has a baby, because this MA only has an adult son.
I don't know what in the hell Ms. Hail to the V's issue is with me, because I have never done a damn thing to her. And if she is still holding something against me because I came in with my nephew on the same day she brought her son in (when he was newborn) then she needs to sit the fuck down because 1) I wasn't working there then and therefore didn't even know who she was or that she had a baby and 2) like I knew she would come in with her son that same time. Sometimes she seems like she is cool with me and then she does some rude ass shit, like always leaving without saying a word (I think maybe once or twice she has actually said good-bye to me). She ignores me in the morning, so I always make the effort to say good-morning even though I really don't want to. I don't get it. I don't get why she would have a problem with me. I don't expect everyone to like me, but I don't appreciate being disliked for no damn reason. Or there is just the possibility she has no problem with me and is just a miserable bitch. But I doubt it.
And I am so sick and tired of every time something she didn't do being questioned, everyone runs to her defense and says she didn't have time to do it. It's always she didn't have time to do it. Oh, but she always has time to play on her phone or talk to my FWA for a half-hour + or play on Facebook or Groupon or print stuff out for her kid for school. Sure, okay.
The other day she got up and left without saying a word and I said to my FWA "did you ever feel like just turning to someone and asking them what the fuck is their problem with you?". She said she doesn't know why anyone would have a problem with me, since I am very quiet and mostly stick to myself, and she claims no one has ever said anything to her about me, but this is my FWA we're talking about. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. After all, she is the same person who supposedly said that if my boss should be getting on anyone it should be me. Then again, this also came from our newest MA, who I am honestly starting to question if I can trust. Frankly I don't know who can I trust in there or anywhere anymore.
I have been so fucking miserable since Friday. My sister had people over on Friday night and I didn't even go because I felt so miserable. I feel depressed as hell and I don't even know why.
10:17AM: I just realized that minus tomorrow, Ms. Hail to the V is going to be in the office all week. Out-fucking-standing! Just what I want to see all week!
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Random Thoughts
It has not been a good past few days. I have been one miserable agitated bitch. Friday I felt so shitty that the whole drive home all I could think was how bad I wanted to hit the gas pedal and slam into a tree. Yesterday I woke up feeling very anxious and agitated and ended up taking an Ativan before I went anywhere. I went down the shore for the day with my family and it was able to get my mind off of some things for a little bit, but as soon as I came home, I started to feel bad and depressed again. And I am still feeling really bad.
And once again I don't know what is causing it. It could be the post-period miserableness I sometimes get or it could be due to the increase in medicine. Which you would think would show up sooner, but it was a few weeks before Wellbutrin turned me into a paranoid mess that wanted to asphyxiate herself with carbon monoxide. And if it's the Prozac, it's going to be a while before I feel any better, thanks to it having such a ridiculously long half-life.
And once again, can people now see why I was so resistant to going back on medicine?
Also, despite feeling hornier than fuck at times, I have been unable to have an orgasm.
Last year, we had a new MA start. And lately it has become apparent that she is one of the ones my boss allows to have special privileges. One of my coworkers said to me one day that she doesn't think this chick has worked a full 40 hour week since she started. And now that I think about it, I am starting to think it's true. She missed 3 days of work in January, conveniently got a doctor's excuse the day before a snowstorm, complained her knee was bothering her yet was able to exercise and then go skiing over a weekend where she supposedly got into an accident and broke ribs and then was out a whole week, and she just got back from a week long vacation last Monday and then had a doctor's appointment Wednesday and ended up not coming in the whole day, came in late Thursday and then left a half day, and then was out all Friday. She is also constantly coming in earlier if she has to leave early for an appointment, despite the fact that none of us are allowed to do that anymore (which I blame my FWA for that privilege being taken away).
And while I like this MA, there are times I am really starting to question whether I can trust her or if she is just like the MA she replaced, the one I worked with before I started back- a real trouble maker. Also, she is always in such a hurry to get work done, it's always being done half-assed (although I suspect a lot of times it's not so much she is in a hurry as much as she just simply doesn't feel like doing it) and then I have to clean it up and she is constantly texting on her phone or taking personal phone calls.I can't tell you how many times I have been waiting to use the scanner and she is back there supposedly scanning her own shit but is too busy texting on her phone. I'm telling you- it was better when the job of scanning was left to one person.
But the best part has been listening to my FWA complain all week about her and how much shit she gets away. Glass houses, FWA, glass houses.
On Friday, my FWA's friend posted some article about how chronic lateness might be a medical condition. Oh, that is all she needs to hear. No, honey, it's not a medical condition, it's just called you're a fat lazy slob who can't take responsibility for anything.
And going back to yesterday, aside from feeling so on edge, it was a nice day. A little chilly, but it was sunny and the sky was a flawless blue. More stores were missing from the boardwalk that I liked. And there was one restaurant that I have been going to since I was a kid that while they didn't have the best food (minus their outstanding apple crumb pie), I always liked the atmosphere of the place. And it is now gone. I was heartbroken when I found out last month that it had been sold and then to actually see it closed down was just depressing. I guess this is the fun of getting older, is it? Watching everything you like slowly disappear?
And once again I don't know what is causing it. It could be the post-period miserableness I sometimes get or it could be due to the increase in medicine. Which you would think would show up sooner, but it was a few weeks before Wellbutrin turned me into a paranoid mess that wanted to asphyxiate herself with carbon monoxide. And if it's the Prozac, it's going to be a while before I feel any better, thanks to it having such a ridiculously long half-life.
And once again, can people now see why I was so resistant to going back on medicine?
Also, despite feeling hornier than fuck at times, I have been unable to have an orgasm.
Last year, we had a new MA start. And lately it has become apparent that she is one of the ones my boss allows to have special privileges. One of my coworkers said to me one day that she doesn't think this chick has worked a full 40 hour week since she started. And now that I think about it, I am starting to think it's true. She missed 3 days of work in January, conveniently got a doctor's excuse the day before a snowstorm, complained her knee was bothering her yet was able to exercise and then go skiing over a weekend where she supposedly got into an accident and broke ribs and then was out a whole week, and she just got back from a week long vacation last Monday and then had a doctor's appointment Wednesday and ended up not coming in the whole day, came in late Thursday and then left a half day, and then was out all Friday. She is also constantly coming in earlier if she has to leave early for an appointment, despite the fact that none of us are allowed to do that anymore (which I blame my FWA for that privilege being taken away).
And while I like this MA, there are times I am really starting to question whether I can trust her or if she is just like the MA she replaced, the one I worked with before I started back- a real trouble maker. Also, she is always in such a hurry to get work done, it's always being done half-assed (although I suspect a lot of times it's not so much she is in a hurry as much as she just simply doesn't feel like doing it) and then I have to clean it up and she is constantly texting on her phone or taking personal phone calls.I can't tell you how many times I have been waiting to use the scanner and she is back there supposedly scanning her own shit but is too busy texting on her phone. I'm telling you- it was better when the job of scanning was left to one person.
But the best part has been listening to my FWA complain all week about her and how much shit she gets away. Glass houses, FWA, glass houses.
On Friday, my FWA's friend posted some article about how chronic lateness might be a medical condition. Oh, that is all she needs to hear. No, honey, it's not a medical condition, it's just called you're a fat lazy slob who can't take responsibility for anything.
And going back to yesterday, aside from feeling so on edge, it was a nice day. A little chilly, but it was sunny and the sky was a flawless blue. More stores were missing from the boardwalk that I liked. And there was one restaurant that I have been going to since I was a kid that while they didn't have the best food (minus their outstanding apple crumb pie), I always liked the atmosphere of the place. And it is now gone. I was heartbroken when I found out last month that it had been sold and then to actually see it closed down was just depressing. I guess this is the fun of getting older, is it? Watching everything you like slowly disappear?
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Random Thoughts
So Thursday night I decided to get on my bike for 15 minutes. I did the same thing on Friday. Today I rolled out of bed at 11:45 (can I just say how nice it not only was to sleep in, but to actually sleep pretty damn good?) and got on my bike for 20 minutes, then later on I did another 10.
Over a week later and I am still not feeling well. Still have a tickle in my throat that is making me cough, still congested, still nauseous, still have a bad taste in my mouth that is making a lot of foods taste funny, still not much of an appetite. I think that last one was why I got on the scale today and was 120 pounds, down 3 pounds since the last time I was on there.
And I am still feeling as depressed as ever. I have been feeling pretty damn miserable for the past few years but I don't remember feeling this bad in a long time. I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay in the house (preferably in bed). My grandfather's 90th birthday party is coming up in a couple weeks and I am not even looking forward to it. I have no interest in helping planning it or going out and buying things because I am just so goddamn exhausted.
I hate work and my coworkers so much right now. Especially my boss. She's still hacking like crazy and I swear every time I see her hacking, she isn't covering her mouth. Like you work in a medical office, have worked in several hospitals before, what the hell is wrong with you? COVER YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. And yet I am not supposed to 100% suspect her of getting me sick? She told me the one day that she is tired of still feeling crappy and that last Monday (the Monday of the week I got sick) she was so fed up with it that she just decided the hell with it and came into work. I felt like saying oh okay, well, thanks to you doing so I ended up getting sick.
I don't understand why this is making me feel as bad as it is. It was just the flu. A flu that came and went pretty quickly without any complications. What is wrong with me?
Over a week later and I am still not feeling well. Still have a tickle in my throat that is making me cough, still congested, still nauseous, still have a bad taste in my mouth that is making a lot of foods taste funny, still not much of an appetite. I think that last one was why I got on the scale today and was 120 pounds, down 3 pounds since the last time I was on there.
And I am still feeling as depressed as ever. I have been feeling pretty damn miserable for the past few years but I don't remember feeling this bad in a long time. I don't want to do anything. I just want to stay in the house (preferably in bed). My grandfather's 90th birthday party is coming up in a couple weeks and I am not even looking forward to it. I have no interest in helping planning it or going out and buying things because I am just so goddamn exhausted.
I hate work and my coworkers so much right now. Especially my boss. She's still hacking like crazy and I swear every time I see her hacking, she isn't covering her mouth. Like you work in a medical office, have worked in several hospitals before, what the hell is wrong with you? COVER YOUR FUCKING MOUTH. And yet I am not supposed to 100% suspect her of getting me sick? She told me the one day that she is tired of still feeling crappy and that last Monday (the Monday of the week I got sick) she was so fed up with it that she just decided the hell with it and came into work. I felt like saying oh okay, well, thanks to you doing so I ended up getting sick.
I don't understand why this is making me feel as bad as it is. It was just the flu. A flu that came and went pretty quickly without any complications. What is wrong with me?
Sunday, January 4, 2015
God I Hate Commercials (And Big Pharma)
TV Land must have some kind of sweet deal with Lyrica and Humira, because I swear they play commercials for them EVERY DAMN COMMERCIAL BREAK. Especially Lyrica. Guess Pfizer really wants to push those fibromyalgia diagnoses.
And speaking of Lyrica reminded me of something that happened in work a few weeks ago. My boss emailed us asking us if we include all medications in our reports or just ones that pertain to orthopedics and neurology. I wrote back that I include all and the reason I do so is because so many medications have side effects that can affect the bones or nervous system and also because so many medications have off the box usage, like Cymbalta being an anti-depressant and is also used for pain. And of course, my FWA has to chime in as well and say that Lyrica and Celebrex are anti-depressants and are used for pain as well. I can't tell you how much I wanted to hit "Reply All" and say that neither are anti-depressants. Celebrex is an NSAID, Lyrica is an anti-epileptic. But I wouldn't put it past doctors to use them as anti-depressants.
Also, if I see that Progresso soup commercial with the girl in her ugly bridal party dress one more time I am going to scream. Every time the Progresso person says "don't you love the dress?" and she says "I love my sister", I want to kick something.
And speaking of Lyrica reminded me of something that happened in work a few weeks ago. My boss emailed us asking us if we include all medications in our reports or just ones that pertain to orthopedics and neurology. I wrote back that I include all and the reason I do so is because so many medications have side effects that can affect the bones or nervous system and also because so many medications have off the box usage, like Cymbalta being an anti-depressant and is also used for pain. And of course, my FWA has to chime in as well and say that Lyrica and Celebrex are anti-depressants and are used for pain as well. I can't tell you how much I wanted to hit "Reply All" and say that neither are anti-depressants. Celebrex is an NSAID, Lyrica is an anti-epileptic. But I wouldn't put it past doctors to use them as anti-depressants.
Also, if I see that Progresso soup commercial with the girl in her ugly bridal party dress one more time I am going to scream. Every time the Progresso person says "don't you love the dress?" and she says "I love my sister", I want to kick something.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
Random Thoughts
What was with this weekend and fights breaking out in food courts? I have heard of at least 3 malls where that occurred. Is this something new?
I can't believe a week ago I was fretting over not having my shopping done and I had to drag my mother out on Sunday night to get the last 2 things I needed and now Christmas is over. What the hell? The last 4 months of the year are strange- you have the excitement of fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas pushes its way in somewhere in that point and it's all up in your face for weeks and then BAM it's gone. And then it's months of cold dark dreariness. It's so damn depressing. Especially when one by one all of the decorations start coming down and everything is bare and depressing. I never understand people who rush to take their decorations down. Then again, if I lived on my own, I'd probably be one of those people who would be getting notices a month or more after Christmas telling me I need to take my decorations down.
And I miss the Christmas music. I wish maybe just until New Years, the stations would continue to play it. Maybe just not all of the time like before Christmas. Thank God for my Christmas music playlist and the Music Choice Sounds of the Season station. Some stores are still playing it as well. I was in Acme earlier and heard 2 Christmas songs mixed in with regular songs, one of which was "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums. I thought that was pretty awesome.
Woke up this morning feeling warm and sweaty again. I wish I could explain well what I experience. When you read up on night sweats, it sounds like people wake up soaked. I don't have that problem. I just feel warm and a little sweaty, but I also have this weird mild chilled feeling while feeling warm as well. Like I can't just kick off the covers because if I do so, I'll get even colder. It's almost like some parts of my body are warm and some are chilled. To say that I am starting to get really scared and freaked out is an understatement. I also started fretting over the fact that my period has come 35 days the past 2 months and then a whole other host of things crammed their way in and I didn't fall back asleep for awhile. My body temperature is feeling kind of weird right now (kind of warm, but feeling kind of cold) and I am starting to feel really anxious.
I am also obsessed with looking at the area behind my crown. I can't tell if it's swollen and I am worried that food got stuck in it and is going to cause an infection. IT NEVER STOPS.
I have been so damn depressed lately. And something that has been plaguing me is I keep thinking, will everyone be around for the next Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc? And the thought of everyone not being around is so unbearable I want to start screaming and never stop. And thoughts of horrible things happening to my loved ones keep plaguing my mind and sometimes it gets so bad I just want to start banging my head against the wall to make it stop. And people wonder why I don't want to be a mother? I'd end up in the hospital because my nerves would be completely shot worrying about the kid, although look at all of the being over-protective and worrying the mother of my friend who died in the car accident did and look at where that got her.
Oh, and I am beyond tired of feeling bad and guilty about EVERYTHING. I swear, if I knew it would be a positive experience and I wouldn't have a massive bill afterwards, I would admit myself to the hospital, although I have no specific plans to hurt myself so they might not even take me. But I doubt that I would ever do that again, although I have to say I am a hell of a lot less patient and a hell of a lot more on edge, irritable and cranky than when I was previously there, so I doubt very much I would allow any of the techs to talk to me the way I allowed them to before.
I am dreading going back to work tomorrow, although 1) I don't have to do my usual job tomorrow and 2) my boss won't be in until later in the day. I am dreading being sang to, though. And I am dreading what kind of cake I am going to be receiving. I'm an idiot- I should have just explicitly said what I wanted. This is why I never get anywhere in life- because even as something as simple as saying what kind of cake I like I can't even bring myself to stand up and say what I want.
And I am also not looking forward to New Years.
I can't believe a week ago I was fretting over not having my shopping done and I had to drag my mother out on Sunday night to get the last 2 things I needed and now Christmas is over. What the hell? The last 4 months of the year are strange- you have the excitement of fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas pushes its way in somewhere in that point and it's all up in your face for weeks and then BAM it's gone. And then it's months of cold dark dreariness. It's so damn depressing. Especially when one by one all of the decorations start coming down and everything is bare and depressing. I never understand people who rush to take their decorations down. Then again, if I lived on my own, I'd probably be one of those people who would be getting notices a month or more after Christmas telling me I need to take my decorations down.
And I miss the Christmas music. I wish maybe just until New Years, the stations would continue to play it. Maybe just not all of the time like before Christmas. Thank God for my Christmas music playlist and the Music Choice Sounds of the Season station. Some stores are still playing it as well. I was in Acme earlier and heard 2 Christmas songs mixed in with regular songs, one of which was "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums. I thought that was pretty awesome.
Woke up this morning feeling warm and sweaty again. I wish I could explain well what I experience. When you read up on night sweats, it sounds like people wake up soaked. I don't have that problem. I just feel warm and a little sweaty, but I also have this weird mild chilled feeling while feeling warm as well. Like I can't just kick off the covers because if I do so, I'll get even colder. It's almost like some parts of my body are warm and some are chilled. To say that I am starting to get really scared and freaked out is an understatement. I also started fretting over the fact that my period has come 35 days the past 2 months and then a whole other host of things crammed their way in and I didn't fall back asleep for awhile. My body temperature is feeling kind of weird right now (kind of warm, but feeling kind of cold) and I am starting to feel really anxious.
I am also obsessed with looking at the area behind my crown. I can't tell if it's swollen and I am worried that food got stuck in it and is going to cause an infection. IT NEVER STOPS.
I have been so damn depressed lately. And something that has been plaguing me is I keep thinking, will everyone be around for the next Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc? And the thought of everyone not being around is so unbearable I want to start screaming and never stop. And thoughts of horrible things happening to my loved ones keep plaguing my mind and sometimes it gets so bad I just want to start banging my head against the wall to make it stop. And people wonder why I don't want to be a mother? I'd end up in the hospital because my nerves would be completely shot worrying about the kid, although look at all of the being over-protective and worrying the mother of my friend who died in the car accident did and look at where that got her.
Oh, and I am beyond tired of feeling bad and guilty about EVERYTHING. I swear, if I knew it would be a positive experience and I wouldn't have a massive bill afterwards, I would admit myself to the hospital, although I have no specific plans to hurt myself so they might not even take me. But I doubt that I would ever do that again, although I have to say I am a hell of a lot less patient and a hell of a lot more on edge, irritable and cranky than when I was previously there, so I doubt very much I would allow any of the techs to talk to me the way I allowed them to before.
I am dreading going back to work tomorrow, although 1) I don't have to do my usual job tomorrow and 2) my boss won't be in until later in the day. I am dreading being sang to, though. And I am dreading what kind of cake I am going to be receiving. I'm an idiot- I should have just explicitly said what I wanted. This is why I never get anywhere in life- because even as something as simple as saying what kind of cake I like I can't even bring myself to stand up and say what I want.
And I am also not looking forward to New Years.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
FUCK
I am so damn anxious and depressed right now I don't even know what to do with myself. I don't know what my problem is, although I can tell you right now I am fully convinced my hormones are completely by this. I had a migraine last night and am convinced it's just another sign I am in perimenopause. Why must every fucking symptom I have have to be a sign of menopause? Can I just have one goddamn symptom that isn't a symptom of it? I am so damn overwhelmed I just want to break down and cry and cry and cry until I don't feel so overwhelmed anymore. The good news is I have no real desire to hurt myself or anything, but the not so good news is I would fully welcome going to bed and never waking up again.
I was on my bike when I came home from work and a jewelry commercial came on. If you know the gist of That Thing, then you'll know which one I am talking about and you'll (possibly) understand why I wanted to take the 3 pound hand weight I was holding and hurl it at the TV screen. I didn't need this to come back. I really didn't. I just want to go to some doctor and scream "For the love of God, please explain to me why a perfectly able-bodied person no longer wants to be, because I sure as fuck don't understand why!".
I just....
I was on my bike when I came home from work and a jewelry commercial came on. If you know the gist of That Thing, then you'll know which one I am talking about and you'll (possibly) understand why I wanted to take the 3 pound hand weight I was holding and hurl it at the TV screen. I didn't need this to come back. I really didn't. I just want to go to some doctor and scream "For the love of God, please explain to me why a perfectly able-bodied person no longer wants to be, because I sure as fuck don't understand why!".
I just....
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Random Thoughts
When I pulled up to work today, I saw a squirrel coming up the sidewalk. With a full slice of pizza in his mouth. I couldn't stop laughing.
I have wicked PMS today. I feel like ripping someone's face off. It all started when my boss was talking with us about the party on Friday. Then I had 2 small charts that SUCKED big time. Good God, I would take that big ass one I did Monday over those 2 any day. Then I finally got the chance to run to Wegman's and they were out of almost everything I needed. I don't want to go shopping on Saturday or to the baby shower on Sunday. I am tired of people and their damn showers.
And not only am I super cranky, but I am also feeling incredibly depressed. I was in the shower earlier and I felt like grabbing my razor and slitting my wrists. Not a pleasant feeling.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Guess I'll go watch some American Dad!.
I have wicked PMS today. I feel like ripping someone's face off. It all started when my boss was talking with us about the party on Friday. Then I had 2 small charts that SUCKED big time. Good God, I would take that big ass one I did Monday over those 2 any day. Then I finally got the chance to run to Wegman's and they were out of almost everything I needed. I don't want to go shopping on Saturday or to the baby shower on Sunday. I am tired of people and their damn showers.
And not only am I super cranky, but I am also feeling incredibly depressed. I was in the shower earlier and I felt like grabbing my razor and slitting my wrists. Not a pleasant feeling.
Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Guess I'll go watch some American Dad!.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Blech
Good god, I do not want to go back to work. I wish by some miracle one of our doctors would cancel one of his days. But we would never be that lucky, would we?
My mom just got pissed at me and stormed off to bed.
That Thing
It's times like right now that I wish I would get the guts to do myself in already. I'm done with this whole life thing.
My mom just got pissed at me and stormed off to bed.
That Thing
It's times like right now that I wish I would get the guts to do myself in already. I'm done with this whole life thing.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Random Thoughts
As if I didn't need any more proof that the influx of new ONTDers were delusional wack jobs, one day someone posted an article about musician I have never heard of stealing the bassline from "Electric Feel". Here is one genius comment:
Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.
God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.
And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.
And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!
And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.
I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.
I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.
And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.
Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.
And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.
Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.
God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.
And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.
And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!
And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.
I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.
I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.
And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.
Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.
And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Random Thoughts
Three days down, two more to go until the weekend. Another weekend that will be royally fucked up my ungrateful brother-in-law. Ugh. It pisses me off so bad.
And speaking of things pissing me off, I think my grandparents, my aunt, my sister, and my nephew are coming over the house tomorrow. Yay. Just what I love to come home to after a day of work. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing family, but after working all day, I am tired, cranky, and usually hungry and I just want to come home and NOT have people all up in my face. And one of the most annoying things is my aunt is one of those people who overstays her welcome. She just does not ever get the hint that after so long it's time to GO HOME.
I am tired of feeling shitty this week. And it all started at the end of my period so of course I am thinking it's all hormone related and that there is something wrong with my hormones. I am tired of my eyes feeling dry, itchy, and sore. I wake up every morning and they're sore as hell. I am beyond fed up with my digestive system the past several weeks. I have had vicious heartburn and nausea. I feel like bugs are crawling on my skin. My jaw muscles are sore to touch and my teeth are bothering me. Yet I am not supposed to wonder if I am in perimenopause?
The past couple days I have been unusually hyper and giggly. I don't know why. Earlier I started to think gee, wouldn't it be nice if I went through a phase like I did back in the fall of 2010? Now I don't believe I have manic depression, but the way I behaved back then made me wonder if maybe I do actually have it, because my behavior somewhat resembled a hypomanic state. And I remember it starting out something like this. I wouldn't mind going through a phase like that again, because I hate to say it, but it felt fucking wonderful.
Or my mind is deciding to finally completely unravel and this is how it's going about doing so.
And speaking of things pissing me off, I think my grandparents, my aunt, my sister, and my nephew are coming over the house tomorrow. Yay. Just what I love to come home to after a day of work. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing family, but after working all day, I am tired, cranky, and usually hungry and I just want to come home and NOT have people all up in my face. And one of the most annoying things is my aunt is one of those people who overstays her welcome. She just does not ever get the hint that after so long it's time to GO HOME.
I am tired of feeling shitty this week. And it all started at the end of my period so of course I am thinking it's all hormone related and that there is something wrong with my hormones. I am tired of my eyes feeling dry, itchy, and sore. I wake up every morning and they're sore as hell. I am beyond fed up with my digestive system the past several weeks. I have had vicious heartburn and nausea. I feel like bugs are crawling on my skin. My jaw muscles are sore to touch and my teeth are bothering me. Yet I am not supposed to wonder if I am in perimenopause?
The past couple days I have been unusually hyper and giggly. I don't know why. Earlier I started to think gee, wouldn't it be nice if I went through a phase like I did back in the fall of 2010? Now I don't believe I have manic depression, but the way I behaved back then made me wonder if maybe I do actually have it, because my behavior somewhat resembled a hypomanic state. And I remember it starting out something like this. I wouldn't mind going through a phase like that again, because I hate to say it, but it felt fucking wonderful.
Or my mind is deciding to finally completely unravel and this is how it's going about doing so.
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