Random Thoughts

As pretty much expected, going to NYC sucked. Big time. Mostly because it was freaking pouring pretty much the entire time we were there. Stupid anxiety didn't help to make the day any more pleasant. By the end of the show, I was so miserable and annoyed I wanted to scream. Then we go to dinner, which ended up costing a fortune. Look, I know we were in NYC and everything is insanely expensive, but for god's sake, $18.89 for a goddamn bacon cheeseburger at Friday's?

It's a shame, because for the past couple years I have been pushing to go to NYC at Christmas and for some reason or another, we never would get there and the one year I finally get to go, I am so fucking miserable and have absolutely no Christmas spirit.

I don't know if it's womanly hormones or what, but my anxiety levels have really been flaring up bad the past few days. On Friday, I took my blood pressure and it came up 98/63, so I was a little freaked out and decided to wait a few hours and take it later. Took it later and it came up 97/60. Needless to say, I had to demand the keys to go to the car because I was about to have a meltdown in the middle of Wal-Mart. Luckily, I managed to hold it back until I got to the car. I started crying so hard I almost was at the point of hyperventilating, so I decided to call my sister to try and calm down. She had a headache and apparently could not be bothered.

That's the thing with my family. It infuriates them when I won't talk to them, but whenever I actually make an attempt to, they either can't be bothered or like the past few times, I have attempted to talk to my sister, somehow the conversation ALWAYS ends up on something completely different. Like one time I was trying to make an attempt to explain what I think is wrong with me (look, I suck at telling people my problems in person, mostly because I am so embarrassed and ashamed of it all) and next thing I know, she is talking about making an appointment to get waxed. It was as if to say, I don't really want to hear your problems. And with how I have been feeling, I have really been needing someone to talk to.

I feel bad for my doctor when I go this week.

I am seriously about to take the damn blood pressure cuff and break it. I am so sick and tired of having to take it. But it's even worse if I don't. And every morning, I am in front of the mirror, looking over everything. It is taking me forever to get done. Even when I go into public bathrooms, I am starting to look all over my face in the mirror. As long as no one is in there. If people are in there, I get very agitated that I can't do so. But if I were to stand around and look over my face in the mirror, people would probably assume I am some overly vain cow.

But what I am supposed to say? No I am not vain, I am just convinced I may have Addison's disease and need to look over my skin every day, several times a day looking for signs of hyperpigmentation, otherwise I freak out, and if you want to know the truth I can't stomach having to look at myself in the mirror so much and want to bang my fists repeatedly into the mirror until it breaks because I hate looking at myself so much? Yeah, it would probably be better to just say yes, I am a horribly vain bitch who adores looking at herself.

I am almost at the point of getting a camera and taking close up shots of my skin because every day I look down on my arms or whatever and I see something and I start to wonder if it was there before and then I can feel the panic starting to rise in my chest as I stare at it. Just tonight when I got out of the shower, I sat down on the toilet and was looking at these small spots on my arm and I keep trying to remember if they were there before and I started to cry.

Every night I lay in bed with the horrible scumbag brain that like I said before, just mentally and emotionally assaults me over and over and over again. I'm so sick of it. And every night that same scumbag brain goes "why can't you just get the guts to kill yourself already?!" over and over and over again until I finally break down in tears. I feel like I have this terrible monster in my head and I just want to reach in and rip it out because I just can't take it anymore.

The only good thing that has come from this is it finally got rid of That Thing. For now.