The WTF Of The Day

One Direction, Worst Band: Boys Majorly Dissed at Awards Show

I am not going to knock NME since they have awarded MGMT with awards, so they clearly know something about good music. That said, why do they even bother acknowledging One Direction then? Silly. Besides, One Direction is not a band. And calling Harry a villain? Come on. Because of the whole Haylor thing? What exactly did he do wrong? For one, it wasn't even real. And two, who is the one writing passive aggressive tweets and talking in terrible English accents at the stupid Grammy's? Oh right. Taylor is, the one who is four years older.

But I can just imagine how the 1D loonies are reacting to this. I already see a comment at the bottom of the page about millions of records, number 1 hits, blah blah blah. When are people going to learn that sales mean nothing in correlation with talent? Blah. Rabid fans are so ridiculous. I saw a picture on some MGMT fan Facebook page and it was these two young girls going on about the bromance of Ben and Andrew. It reminded me of the whole Larry shipping thing. It was ridiculous. I almost want to search Tumblr for this, but it would insult me too much. Keep your shipping crap in tween pop. I never thought I'd see this shit in the MGMT fanbase, but apparently it does exist. As does ripping apart significant others. I don't know if it is quite as bad as in the tween pop fanbase, but it does exist. Whatever. I won't lie- I envy the hell out of Andrew's girlfriend. It also grinds my gears that I can't help but admit that she is absolutely adorable. But hating and death threats? Come on. God, tweens ruin everything.

8:15PM: I just finished Sugar and Spite a few hours ago and I noticed that Savannah says she has a brother named Waycross. One part distinctly refers to him as "her only brother". Okay, well then why is there a brother named Macon mentioned in other books? The only Macon mentioned in this book is "Daddy" Reid. I am so confused.

Random Thoughts

I was finally able to check out the issue of Rolling Stone with the article about MGMT from my local library. Kind of peeved that I have to look at Rihanna on the front cover. And while I was looking through the issue to see if there was anything of interest in it, I came across her article and there is a picture of her giving the middle finger. Ah yes, because you are just so bad ass, Rihanna. Look at me, I can give the middle finger! I can date men who beat me to a bloody pulp! I can walk around a Mexican or Brazilian church* with a necklace that says CUNT on it! I can post pictures of myself on Instagram of me smoking pot**! SO HARDCORE!

*or whatever it was; I would Google it, but I just don't feel like it
 **not that there is anything wrong with pot, but you know damn well she only posts those pictures to show how "edgy" and "badass" she is

A part of me wants to feel sorry for her, because it's clear this girl has major self-esteem issues and who better to relate to low self-esteem than me? But I just can't bring myself to do it.

That picture of Andrew in the article....damn, that boy is getting rough looking.

Speaking of books, it's a shame I am too old for Book-It. I'd have 3 free personal pizzas by now. My first visit of the year to the library, I had picked up a book called Buried in Buttercream by G.A. McKevett, because I love mysteries and I love food. Then I found out it was part of an entire series. I enjoyed the book, so once I finished it, I decided to check the rest of the Savannah Reid series out. I am already on my 7th book. Unfortunately, my library does not carry all of the series, including the most important book- the first one! That is the one I really want to read!

I like to read reviews on the books I am currently reading, and I was just over on Amazon reading reviews for the book I am currently on (Sugar and Spite) and I wanted to laugh at this review.  Especially the complaint about Savannah thinking about food all the time. Can't say I don't do the same. Hell, I am sitting here right now thinking about food. About cheesecake, soft pretzels, Chili's chicken fingers, a bacon cheeseburger, the piece of carrot cake I am still craving, etc. But I am not supposed to think of food because there are starving people in the world? Yeah, right. Whether I think of it or not, it is still there. Believe me, I feel enormous guilt whenever I see food going to waste solely because I know there are people in the world starving.

My mother said last night that she thinks my sister is not mother material. I kind of agree. She clearly loves the baby, but I can just see her being one of those people who secretly regrets taking on parenthood. I just hope that she wasn't hesitant on taking on parenthood, but gave into her husband. I could see that happening as well, especially since she admitted to me that she wanted to wait, but he didn't want to put it off. That pisses me off when men pull that shit, and even more when women give into it. Men can push all they want to have kids, but in the end, it is still the woman who has to carry the kid, make sure it's getting proper care in utero, and who has to deliver the kid. And generally seems to be the one who does more care.

And I like how the whole "having a baby changes everything" is extending into our household as well. I guarantee when my BIL goes back to work, my mother will be over there constantly. Vacations will be all screwed up now. It seems like we are going to have to cater our vacations to them, because apparently we can't take vacations ourselves or something.

At this rate, I am never going to regret not having children. Or getting married.

Video Of The Day

Really starting to love this song:



This video, though.....dafuq?

Random Thoughts

I am far from a religious person. But somewhere in the deep depths of my rotten evilness, I feel some faith. I don't know if there is a God or not, though. I really don't know what to believe.

Tonight's episode of Family Guy aired on my birthday, and I remember feeling just as annoyed with it as tonight. We get it, Seth- you don't believe in God. I don't understand why he has to be so fucking obnoxious about it. He is just as bad as the obnoxious Bible thumpers he likes to condemn. Can the nativity story be used in comedy? Sure. I thought the Simpsons did the story well and without being tacky. But this....this is just obnoxious.

Also, I am sick of seeing previews for that movie 21 and Over. I feel like brain cells die every time I see commercials for it. Which is about 2 or 3 per commercial break.

I started watching Pretty Little Liars back when it first aired and for a while, I kind of lost interest in it and just had it on for background noise. But now I watch it pretty faithfully, despite how annoying the show can be. Those girls can be so fucking stupid! I've had a girl crush on Lucy Hale since Privileged aired, but Aria can be really annoying. Emily is an awful actor. Hanna is a fucking cow, especially towards her mother. I really can't tolerate how she treats her mother. I have a love/hate for Jenna. Most of the time I can't stand her, but occasionally her bitchiness makes me laugh. Mona is just....my God, that girl is awful at playing a villain. I think I would probably like Mona if someone who could pull of playing a villain played her. The only tolerable person on the show is Spencer. And her breakdown this season is giving me a lady boner of the highest order. I am loving it. And she's absolutely right- why do they care about Alison? Alison was such a frigging bitch. I wish Spencer would just go completely crazy and kill Mona.

I read an article a few years ago about how college is not for everyone and how the trade industry needs people. While I am still not ready to surrender to college not being for me, I have seriously contemplated learning a trade while figuring out what to do with my life. But being a woman in these fields could be a little scary. If I were in a trade where I would have to be sent to houses, I'd be fearful every time I go that someone would try to kill me or rape me or something. Or that people wouldn't trust my judgment, simply because my chromosomes are two X's.

We went to the local diner tonight for dinner and I was set on getting a slice of carrot cake while I was there, even though it is not the best carrot cake. Wouldn't you know they were out of it? Argh! I would much rather have it from somewhere else anyway, but I am still annoyed they were out of it. I don't know who has good carrot cake. The two places I have had really good carrot cake are Jones in Philly and the Metropolitan in the Borgata in Atlantic City. Unfortunately, they are both a bit far, although I wouldn't mind going down Atlantic City right now. Wouldn't mind going to Jones to eat again, either. Their food, especially the carrot cake, was good!

I bet the Cheesecake Factory has good carrot cake. Unfortunately, I am not going to eat a slice of cake that is more calories (over 1500) than I normally eat in a day. The carrot cake cheesecake is good, but I want just plain carrot cake and I don't think it far behind in caloric value. Dammit, I just want a piece of carrot cake! And I still want Popeye's, too!

Random Thoughts

I am dreading the next few days because it should be right around the time I start having spotting again. If that happens, I think I am going to finally have a nervous breakdown. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get. I want to know why it is happening. It is ridiculous- at least to me- to not even try to find a reason why this is happening.

I am so fed up with feeling like shit, with no one taking me seriously, not knowing what to do. I really don't know what to do. And by getting myself so stressed out over it, I am only making myself feel worse. And now I not only have to sit and inspect my skin, now I have to sit and inspect my underarm and pubic hair as well. I can't take it anymore. There is almost nothing at this point that can convince me I don't have this fucking disease. It has almost reached the point of taking over my entire life. And I am allowing it to, because I just don't know what to do.

And to make everything even worse, all I keep thinking is, why is this not going away? Is this my body's way of telling me that I do have it? I want to scream.

I have never so desperately needed someone to talk to as right now. And I have no one. And when I do finally get people's attention, they "have enough shit to deal with right now and don't need this". Nice, huh? I think about ending my own life every day (luckily I have neither a plan nor any idea on how I would do it), but no one can deal with that right now. Whatever. It's certainly not helping to change my mind. It's just giving me more ammunition as to why I should.

Quote Of The Day

From "The Smoking Peanut":

Man (on P. A.): Attention zoo patrons, Clamu the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run in circles.

Ugh

Well, since we didn't get to celebrate birthdays last week, we're doing it tonight. I am looking forward to it about as much as a colonoscopy. Which I have never had done, but you get the gist. I mean, a whole day of shitting your brains out and not being able to eat, all so the next day you have a doctor shove a camera up your asshole while you're unconscious? Not my idea of fun. Can't imagine anyone else would find that peachy.

And the whole night is going to consist of babies, babies, and more babies. That is all everyone is going to talk about. No matter how squee I find my nephew (A LOT), I have just about already had my fill of baby talk and baby stuff. Every goddamn conversation- BABIES. Every store we go into- BABY STUFF. Baby this, baby that! It's like everyone has become completely unable to talk about anything else but BABIES! Reminds me of this Quote of the Day entry.

I also decided to finally go get a haircut last night because my hair was starting to suffocate me and as usual, the hairdresser does nothing that I tell her to do. I mean, if you cut some of my hair, ask me if that is a good length, I say yes it's perfect, then why would you continue to cut more off? Ugh. Clearly too much bleach has seeped into her brain.

The Awesome But FML Of The Day

For fuck's sakes, can they ever come somewhere that is not so close, but so far?

Lord....Red Hot Chili Peppers? Tom Petty? Foster the People? Passion Pit? Ellie Goulding? The Lumineers? Imagine Dragons? Matt and Kim? Youngblood Hawke? Sure, I only know maybe one or two songs by each of these artists (except for the first three and globviously except for MGMT) but.....this is a damn good line-up. I would totally go to this. If I had people to go with. Kind of expensive also, but I would totally spend $218 even if I only got to see MGMT.

I turned on the Tango Traffic channel last night ( I like to listen to the music on it) and left the room to do something and when I came back in, "Angie" by the Rolling Stones was playing. I wish MGMT would do a cover of it again and release it on MP3. It was so good at Musikfest. That whole concert was good. My life is so sad, that sometimes I want to break down and cry at how awesome that night was (aside from the ridiculous heat, the nasty storm that made its grand entrance an hour before the gates were to open, the scary Atlas Sound dude (for God's sake, when you make Andrew look chubby, you are doing something wrong), the almost 2 hour late start time, and the whole looking up at the sky during "Siberian Breaks" and seeing lightening while sitting on metal bleachers). I want to relive that night again so bad, except this time I won't be stupid enough to not sneak my camera in. ARGH! Best night of my life and I don't even have pictures of it! All because I am such a goody fucking two shoes and always have to abide by the rules!

On a completely unrelated note....I need a piece of carrot cake. Stat. And preferably with nuts on it. Does anyone know where I can get really awesome carrot cake? Also, I have still not gotten my Popeye's fix. *punches monitor* 

Random Thoughts

I still can't believe I am an aunt. Everyone is laughing at how much I am fussing over my nephew. He is such a little doll! It still is not making me want children, though. Oh no. I am still completely put off from ever becoming pregnant, giving birth, and having children of my own, although I have to say, since this fear of early menopause made its entrance into my life, I am not as comfortable about declaring my desire to remain child-free. At least, though, if I were actually going through early menopause, it would get people off my back with their whole "you'll change your mind". No, I will not. I like not having children. And it especially irks me when people who have seen me at my worse tell me that. You'd think after some of the things they have witnessed, they'd think yeah, her remaining child-free is a good thing!

Two Fridays ago, my mother had found a box of all things from when my sister and I were babies- Christening booties, cards, etc. And there was one card from my paternal grandmother for me and it was either for my birthday or Christmas and inside she had written off to the side "share this with your sister". And I just looked at it like, are you fucking kidding me? I don't remember what "this" was, but she couldn't even send just me something? It's one thing if it was for Christmas, but I am pretty sure it was for my birthday and that is just nervy to send me a birthday gift and tell me to share it with my sister. God, that woman was a fucking cow. The way she acted towards me, nobody should even think to ask why I always favored my maternal grandparents over her.

And speaking of weird ass things, can someone please explain to me why people post statuses on Facebook from their baby? Like they will post a picture of the baby with a status like oh I am eating well today or I gained 2 ounces in the past week! Your baby cannot talk. Stop.

God, people get so weird when they procreate. I don't understand why because someone gets pregnant or has a baby and they have to lose all sense of identity. My sister would post statuses occasionally that had absolutely nothing to do with pregnancy, babies, etc and someone always had to interject something about her pregnancy. It was so damn annoying.

And speaking of annoying, somewhere in the midst of this whole thinking I have Addison's disease, I came across "decreased hair in the armpits and pubic area" in women as a symptom and since then, I have been keeping an eye on my underarm and pubic areas. Wouldn't you know that since the last time I waxed my underarms, I noticed a lot less hair growing back in? So last Wednesday I decided to shave what was there, since that seems to bring out about a bazillion more hairs when it starts to grow back in. And as of right now, there is more hair, but not like usual. And many are much thinner than usual. So now I am stressed out over this all over again. Maybe it's due to my hormones and the birth control messing with them. I don't know. All I know is I am sorry I ever went on birth control and I don't know how much more of this I can take. It's bad enough it doesn't want to go away, but then there is always something new to keep on reeling it right back in. And sometimes I truly believe suicide is the only way I am going to get away from it. If I could go back to that time in either the end of August or beginning of September in 2011 and tell myself to not even dare think of looking up what could cause cravings for salt, I would. It's a shame I didn't know at the time what a mental and emotional nightmare it would cause.

I went through my Google search history some earlier and since the fall of 2011, my search history was overflowing with different things related to Addison's disease. It's sick. I wanted to cry reading through it. I mean, I already am pretty well aware of just how mentally sick I am, but seeing physical evidence of it makes it really disgusting.

You Suck, Mental Illness

I know I have made some complaints about ONTD before, but there are times on that site that makes me really like it and is probably the reason why I still continue to visit it. Tonight, for instance, in regards to Mindy McCready's suicide. I don't know much about her, except that she was a country singer and apparently a complete wreck and a half. And clearly had severe emotional issues. When I saw a Facebook posting from Crazy Days and Nights that she committed suicide, I checked a couple other gossip pages I like to visit to see if they had posted anything also. The news made me sick, even though I hardly know anything about her. Suicide just makes me sad. I hate to hear of anyone doing it. I know what it feels like to want to die and no one should ever have to feel that sick, dark, twisted feeling.

When it was finally posted on ONTD, someone, as usual, had to post something about being selfish. And the responses to the comment are one of the reason why I like that site. Look, I can see why people may think it is selfish. But if these people knew how twisted your mind is working when it is contemplating suicide, then maybe, just maybe, they'd understand why people commit suicide.

ETA 12:49AM: She killed her dog, too? Oh no. Now that was not cool.

I need to learn to just stay out of topics that involve mental illness and suicide, because clearly people just don't get it. And probably never will. I mean, what part of the person feels like they are doing others a favor is so hard to get? They clearly don't. I wish I could put into exact words what it feels like to want to commit suicide. But it's indescribable. It's a horrible, dark, suffocating feeling. And you certainly do not feel like yourself. It's like you are not even you. And this is just wanting to end your own life. I can't even begin to imagine what your state of mind must be life when you actually make an active attempt to end your own life.

Other things have factored into why I have wanted to end my own life, but the whole "doing others a favor" is usually a big one. That I am such a miserable horrible person and if I just killed myself, then no one has to put up with my miserable nastiness anymore. And then there is just I want the shit to stop. I want to be free of worrying about my loved ones, about my health, about everything. That death can be the only option to be free from it all. And it's easy for people to say well that is what medication is for. No, not always. It may not work, it may make things worse before it gets better.....and sometimes worse is the last thing the person needs.

And that hellhole where I stayed had some strict policies when it comes to releasing patients. I read that Mindy was released from a facility after two days. I don't know if she was suicidal when she was committed, but she sounded like she was a dual diagnosis (mental illness and addiction), so why she would be released so soon makes it even stranger. I am always hearing people say they were kept for 48 hours and released, or 24 hours, or whatever. The place I stayed at, you were held for 48 hours after being admitted. After that, you were free to go whenever you liked.....as long as you gave 48 hours notice.

HOORAY!

I am officially an aunt! I have a nephew!

Huzzahs are in order!

Random Thoughts

Well, it's nice to finally feel a little more normal. Until the next time. And whether that will be the standard 28 to 32 days from yesterday, or the 10 days from yesterday. I really hope the mid-cycle bleeding doesn't occur. It's horrible what hormones can do to your body. I don't even feel human before my period. I feel like some alien has taken over my body.

On the other hand, this baby drama in the family needs to get the fuck out. I am so tired of hearing about it. Every single time my sister is over, she is bitching about her mother-in-law. And to be honest, she is a bitch who thinks she knows everything, but knows shit (example, the baby shower favors). But my sister knew all of this before she married her husband.

And yesterday she was over and she was ranting about when she delivers and about people holding the baby and basically she sounded like she was implying she doesn't want people holding the baby. Seriously? I am already feel anxious about when I get to hold the baby, that I won't be holding right, or too long, or my sister and her husband will be staring at me like I am doing either or, or both. Now she is going to start this shit? Now my sister has always been kind of bitchy, but she is turning into a royal high-maintenance bitch. Yesterday, all I did was make some comment that I had cramps and she says "I don't feel sorry for you. Mine are only going to get worse. Not to be mean or anything". I just looked at her like, are you kidding me? I wasn't looking for sympathy, nor do I want it. I was just merely stating that I had cramps. That is all. And guess what, honey? You chose to get pregnant. I don't feel sorry for you either.

We're going to be celebrating birthdays tonight. Yay. The whole night will consist of talking about pregnancies and babies. And my brother-in-law sitting and playing games all night, or staring at people with scorn. God, I hate when he does that. And his mother is the same way. At the baby shower, I would look up and see her either staring at me or other people at the table and I wanted to say what are you looking at? I hate when people stare.

But on to a different subject, I feel like crap. Last night my nose was burning so bad on the left side and it was spreading below my eye and down into my upper gums. I eventually boiled water and sat with the hot mug under my nose and a towel over it. Then in the middle of the night I woke up to a stuffed nose and a blob of phlegm in my throat (sorry). But at least my nose wasn't burning anymore. I don't know if I have a cold, but my ears are blocked, my throat hurts, and my nose is stuffed. Every time I blow, it's both clear and yellow, so I am not sure what that means. I am wondering if maybe the probiotics stirred something up.

And speaking of stirring up, I was thinking one day back to when I had anxiety over having MS and how it eventually went away, and I started to wonder okay so that eventually went away, so why isn't this? My fear of having a stress fracture eventually went away, although that was probably because I had the bone scan done. I had no test to rule out MS. So what made it go away? Pills? I can't even quite remember what exactly I was on at that time. Maybe Prozac? I don't know. I have never denied Prozac as being one of the most beneficial drugs I have been on. But that doesn't make me want to be on it. Why can't I get rid of this Addison's fear? I want it to go away, and honestly I think I am at the point where I am not even sure if an ACTH stimulation test could get rid of it, even though that is usually the most reliable test. But I wish I could get it done, although I doubt it would be easy to ever have that happen. For one, I'd have to convince my doctor to refer me to an endocrinologist (I guess?), who would probably not find any reason to perform the test on me. The amount of money I would have to spend would be astronomical. But I can barely function because my mind is so centered on this, so I am not working because of barely being able to function (in addition to finding a job being near impossible).

And normally when one goes away, another comes along. I don't believe I have ever had a new fear come along and tie right into the other. I didn't need this new fear of going through early menopause. It is not helping. At all. Going through early menopause itself isn't exactly all that scary, but rather why I would be. And unfortunately, Addison's disease can be a cause of it.

And now my period is barely visible and I am worried it is over already. I give up.

ETA 7:08PM: Well, looks like birthdays are out tonight. I am going to be an aunt either by the end of tonight or by tomorrow!

LOL- the local forecast is playing "Get Off of My Cloud" by the Rolling Stones

Random Thoughts

I don't know what is going on in my body right now, but it needs to stop. I want to scream because I want to get out of my head so bad. I am really, REALLY starting to worry what is causing this. Is it my hormones? Are they still just straightening themselves out after being on birth control for a lousy one month? I really wish I knew if this was PMS, because then at least I know it will go away as soon or not long after my period starts. My head is in a turmoil. My breasts hurt. I bumped the left one, the one that tends to always be more sore, yesterday and wanted to cry.

I am also having bladder issues and really hoping I don't have interstitial cystitis like my sister. I generally have some issues with my bladder feeling funny right before my period. It tends to feel like it spazzes every so often and (sorry if this is TMI) I feel like I am going to pee my pants. I haven't, knock on wood, but I am always overly anxious that I will. But I haven't felt it bad like this, although the last time I had my period, I was drinking about 32 more ounces of water than I drink now, so maybe it was masking the problem some. I just have a lot of pressure and it doesn't go away until I pee, and no sooner after I go, it starts up again until I have to pee again. But there is no burning or anything. Just minor annoying discomfort.

But the worst of it is whatever is going on with my emotions. I had another day yesterday of just crying and crying and crying and wishing I was dead and all those joyful glorious thoughts. And boy was I sensitive. It was my sister's birthday yesterday and I went on her Facebook page and when I saw some of the people who wished her happy birthday I was really upset. So many family friends and relatives that all ignore my birthday. And yeah, I know I am probably being catty, but it really upset me. I already feel worthless enough and none of these people can even acknowledge my birthday? It always makes me laugh when people ask me if I get ripped off having a birthday near Christmas. In a way, yes, but not with gifts. People tend to forget or ignore my birthday. Which sucks, because just like I did not choose to be born last, I had no choice in when I was born and I think it's unfair that I have to suffer for it.

I guarantee my aunt (dad's sister) will completely ignore my 30th birthday this year, even though I know damn well she didn't forget my sister's. She somehow forgot my 21st birthday as well. And if she does, I'd like to tell her to go fuck herself. I'd never admit to anyone out loud, but I don't care for my aunt anyway. She always seem so fucking phony. I always liked my other paternal aunt a lot more. She seemed more caring and genuine.

Hell, I even had to suffer for it when I was fucking born. My mom's usual doctor wasn't on call, so he didn't deliver me. Instead some bitch did who got pissed that she had to come in right at the holidays. Uh, honey, you chose to be a OB doctor. Not to mention she didn't even celebrate Christmas! No hospital pictures were taken.....because it was the holidays. What the hell?

I want these miserable feelings to go away. Most importantly, I want to know why they are there. What if it is something is off in my body that needs to be treated? I still would not doubt for a second I have some kind of vitamin deficiency. And it worries me that if there is one, if it doesn't get treated things could get bad. If it's magnesium (which seems like one of the most likely, considering the symptoms and the fact that I very rarely eat anything that has magnesium in it, in addition to a large intake of soda, which is bad for magnesium), it could really mess with my body. I could just go to the doctor and ask for a vitamin test, but I would hate to have one done and nothing be wrong. But if it is, it needs to be addressed, or I'll be in trouble, particularly if something really bad happens and I end up with massive medical bills, as opposed to a smaller bill for a diagnostic test. Not having medical is really frustrating.

And speaking of not having medical, I just found out that my cousin who had a baby is just as I predicted- on welfare. Now this is where I get pissed with liberals who claim people don't abuse welfare. She definitely is. The little fucking whore deliberately gets herself knocked up, has no job, baby daddy has no job, neither make an effort to go to work, and she gets welfare and Medicaid. All of this while still living with her mother. She gets everything paid for for doing something out of spite. I think of all of the people who could desperately use that Medicaid and I want to punch something. I think of my witchy old racist neighbor next door who complains about the Democrats taking shit away from her.....all while on Medicaid. Please. We all know what your problem is. You hate the president because he is half black and you hate black people. Sit your ass down, bitch.

ETA 2/14: My period finally came! And why not make it even more wonderful by giving me the gift of cramps from hell?? Happy Valentine's Day to me! And if you think a forever aloner hates Valentine's Day, imagine a forever aloner with the cramps from hell and raging hormones. Everyone's Facebook posts are making me want to puke my face off!

Video Of The Day

"King and Lionheart" by Of Monsters and Men:



Off topic, but if I don't get Popeye's soon, I am going to go postal.

Stahp Brain

I don't know if my period is finally planning on coming very shortly or what. I wish it would. I have never wanted to see that nasty miserable thing so bad in my life as I do right now. One, because I just do, to ease some of the anxiety up that I am never going to see my period again. Two, I feel awful. I had a bout of insomnia on Friday night similar to New Years Eve. I woke up at 5 and didn't fall back asleep until 8. I started to get so frustrated and upset that I started crying and no matter how hard I tried, I could not stop. My head would not stop. I got myself all upset on Friday night worrying that maybe I am having early menopause and if I am, why am I having it and oh look here comes my good old pal the Addison's disease fear.

I started crying several times yesterday and today and couldn't stop, one point I started having a panic attack. I am so emotional I want to scream. I wanted to cry watching Too Cute last night. My lower left side is cramping and I can't tell if it's woman related or intestinal related. My breasts are so sore. My bladder feels irritated. I feel irritable. I don't even feel like I am me. I was sitting on my bed earlier and I thought, my God, I don't even real. I feel like I am not even me, like I am a completely different person. Is this what it feels like to lose your mind? Because that is what I certainly feel like is happening to me. And I am having the horrifying feeling of wishing I would get the guts to commit suicide. I have never felt so scared of why I feel so bad as I do right now.

And it should come as no surprise my mother and I got into an argument earlier. She got angry with me earlier for not answering her when I was in the midst of having the equivalent of Niagara Falls pouring down my face because she was and I quote "trying to get dinner on the table". After trying to cool down a little from getting more upset at her getting angry with me, I went out to eat dinner. She was banging stuff around in her typical hissy fit way and I started getting more and more tense until I finally screamed "will you please stop banging stuff around?!". She tried to give me bullshit that she wasn't banging anything around. Yeah. Nice try Mom. Then it turned into a fight, part of which she insisted that she told me to not go on birth control. I can't say I recall that.

I regret ever going on birth control. I really do. I mean, clearly I had issues before I went on it. But I feel a hell of a lot worse since before I ever took it. And if all of these symptoms I am having are PMS, then I have a bad feeling that the impending period is going to be the period from hell.

And because I seem to enjoy torturing myself, I have been listening to this on repeat and I don't know what it is about this particular performance that turns the waterworks on, but tears.....so many tears. I am a snotty, red-faced, swollen-eyed mess.

Piss Off Music

With the Grammy's coming up on Sunday, I revisited the list on Wikipedia of awards and nominations MGMT has received (yes, I checked the references to make sure they were legit) and they had two nominations in 2010. Neither nomination won. They did win for something in 2009- a remixed version of "Electric Feel". Really? All of their amazing songs and the one that does win something is not even the original version and some dude who fucked with their music is the one who solely wins? I don't care if he was the one who remixed it; he was not the one who put his time, heart, blood, sweat, tears, etc into writing the lyrics and music of it. And looking through the list again, they have had a total of 13 nominations (doesn't seem to include that Grammy win) and only won 4 awards, all at the NME Awards. Unbelievable. That grinds my gears.

Maybe I am a little too picky with my music, but I can't stand when people remix music. As well as sample, even if they do credit the artist they are sampling from. Sampling really grinds my gears. Write your own damn music or if you can't do that, then sing/play something someone else wrote for you. I keep hearing this POS song that stole parts of "Piano in the Dark" by Brenda Russell and I want to chew nails whenever I hear it. Fucking music today. I can't even bring myself to look at the nomination list, because I'll probably projectile vomit.

ETA 7:09PM: I decided to take a look at the list and.....Black Keys are good.....ugh at "We Are Young" (I did like it, before all of the radio stations started playing it constantly)....Taylor Swift blech...."Call Me Maybe"- are you fucking kidding me?.....ugh at the Lumineers, another good one until all of the radio stations killed it.....Rihanna vomit...."Shake It Out" by Florence is good....."Sexy and I Know It" and "Payphone"-  someone is clearly deaf.....Coldplay is rock?....Muse- meh....damn when did SWV come back? I loved "Weak" and "Love Will Be Right Here" back in the day....nice to see Tamia on the list; I only know one song by her but she is talented.....I can't with the entire rap section ....country I am pretty neutral towards, except for Taylor Swift.....and the rest I just don't even know anything about

Also, now that I think about it, wasn't it the NME awards where Andrew showed up looking like a homeless person? And they probably won that year. I have to find that post again.

ETA 2/11: For the love of God, Andrew. Although....here is another picture of him from said award show and yes, he looks dirty as hell, but I would. I still so would.There was another picture of him from another NME awards show and like all these women are all over him and I felt really bad for him. He looked really uncomfortable. I know it comes with the territory, but people need to stop being such animals around celebrities. If I met him, would I love to run up and give him a huge hug? Yes. But I wouldn't. I would just stand there trying to contain myself from going absolute tween fangirl on him and hope that he doesn't hear my uterus banging on the wall of my abdomen while yelling "yo man put a baby in me!".

LOLWUT Part 2

Relationship Runway Rant

I don't know what's funnier- this Blind Item or the picture of Harry. He looks like, KILL ME.

The Bitch, Please Of The Day

Beyonce's Publicist Wishes These Hot Pictures Didn't Exist 

LOL seriously? I am sure every single celebrity and/or entertainer has at least one unflattering picture of themselves. After all, despite the high levels of flawlessness, this exists. Oh, who am I kidding? Still flawless. Get over yourself, Bouncy.

Random Thoughts

Wow. I am turning into a bonehead of the highest order. Yesterday I was on the MGMT Twitter page that was linked from IMDB a long time ago and after viewing a picture, I clicked on the link at the bottom and it took me to a completely different page. I thought uh oh, looks like someone was one of the 250K hacked. So I start freaking out and ran all of my antivirus and badware scans. Everything came up clean. Then today I realize that the page I normally go to is twitter.com/mgmtforum. The picture was retweeted from twitter.com/whoisMGMT and that was the link at the bottom of the page. Man, I am such an idiot sometimes.

There is a link on both Twitter pages to the same picture posted on ONTD of that squee little kitten. Except it stretches almost to the top and bottom of my monitor, making it a hundred times more squee. Leave it to Andrew to own something so damn cute.

So we got some not so good news within my family last week. And now my father has another advantage in getting disability. Great. I still don't agree with him applying for it, even with this. He is retired! And clearly never going back to work! There is no reason for him to get disability! And the fact that he has said multiple times he is applying for it to get more money infuriates me.

I always want to laugh when he complains to me that his doctor is too cautious and likes to order too many tests. First off, boohoo. You have medical to pay for all of the tests. I don't want to hear it. But mostly I want to laugh because let's be real- if his doctor didn't order a test and missed something, my father would be the first one to curse him, call him an idiot, yell that he has no idea what he is doing, etc. And then probably hire a lawyer to sue.

I started those new probiotics on Sunday night. Not sure if they are causing me more bloating or just the three days of bad restaurant food sitting in my lower intestines is. I do expect bloating, since they are 10 times more powerful than my last batch of probiotics. Not to mention there is another strain in them. The very first time I took probiotics, I had that whole Herx reaction. It was a miserable ordeal. Bloating like crazy, gas, a mouth full of sores, etc. But it did subside and I started to feel much better than I did before I started taking them. But whether these pills really are causing the bloating or not, I am not sure. I am tired of dealing with this crap. I could kick myself in the ass for not even going through with that colonoscopy, although my insurance was trying to play the preexisting condition game with me, so they may have not even paid for it. But there is not something right in my lower abdomen. Either it is something female related, like ovarian cysts, or there is something seriously wrong with my intestines. These stomach ailments have been going on long to make me think something wasn't built right.

I have also had a nightmarish case of heartburn.

I was on Facebook yesterday and a friend of my sister's had a picture of her little boy walking around a store and some mombie in the comments starts going on about "creepers". I love this new generation of parents that just thinks everyone is out to kidnap their kids. Mostly because they are the sames one who throw passive aggressive fits on Facebook that their precious little Madysin Soozie or Braedyn smiled and waved at someone in a store today and that big old meanie broke their spirits by ignoring them. God, parents today get on my nerves with the whole my child is such a special wittle snowflake bullshit. They are not! And everything they do is just OMGZ so special and shows what a little Einstein they have on their hands. One day one of the girls I used to work with posted a status on Facebook that her daughter could say her name and point to herself and everyone was flooding with "omg she is such a little genius!" comments. Seriously? Next thing you know, taking a shit will be something to brag about. Oh. Wait....

And enough with the whole everyone is a winner no one can fail mentality.

Now I don't deny that the development of a baby is astonishing, how so much complex stuff comes together in less than a year to form a functioning human being, although how something so huge comes out of a teeny tiny vagina is more of a miracle to me than anything. But having babies isn't special. Millions of women do it. Animals do it. Bugs do it. Birds do it. Fish do it.

But aside from my grouchiness, I still cannot wait to see my niece or nephew. Soon. Very soon.

Random Thoughs

It's Puppy Bowl time! Huzzah! The amount of squee is already ridiculously high. And this year there are finally two puppies with schnauzer in them!

So I finally got to go to dinner on Friday for my birthday with my aunt. It makes no sense how she was off for 5 days last week, but we end up going on Friday, when she is back to work. Whatever. I am beyond sick and tired of even trying to understand her logic of thinking. It ended up just being my aunt, my sister, and me. I was kind of hoping more people would have went. My mother decided not to go, which I was a little pissed off at her for. My aunt never specified when she said about taking me to dinner whether it was just supposed to be the two of us or whoever wanted to go. She asked me who was going and I told her REPEATEDLY whoever wanted to. She never said anything to any of her friends, who are pretty much like aunts to me. And while I don't care that she went, but my sister just kind of invited herself to go.

And so with my sister going, almost the entire night involved talking about her pregnancy and kids. I am sorry that I am sounding like such a narcissistic twat, but come on! We are out for my birthday! There are a million other more exciting things to discuss than my sister's pregnancy and children! I don't like most children! I don't want to discuss them!

My sister is turning into one of those high-maintenance pregnant women. All she does is complain that nobody watches out for the pregnant girl when we are out. First off, when she is wearing her coat, which is generally all the time, you can hardly tell she is pregnant. She complained on Friday when she went to go sit down in the waiting area and this woman and her daughter grabbed part of the bench before she got over there. My sister had a heavy coat and a scarf on. You could not even tell she was pregnant.

And speaking of waiting areas, why do restaurants that have high traffic never have huge waiting areas? Longhorn, the Cheesecake Factory (which is where I chose to go), etc. Their waiting areas are tiny. And I still will never understand what the big freaking deal is with the Cheesecake Factory, aside from their cheesecake. Their food is good, but it's not that great. We got there after 7PM and still had almost an hour wait. With as much traffic that place gets, they need to build them in a fucking factory! When we had the Spaghetti Warehouse in Philly (RIP), it was in an enormous old building. That's what they need to put the Cheesecake Factory in.

I'm also pissed because they took the Oreo cheesecake off of the menu.

And speaking of RIP....Barney Bush died! I was full of sads when I read that on Friday.

Well it has been 3 weeks since I quit birth control. My digestive system feels so much better. I mean, I have suspected IBS-C, so I still have um, shitty feeling days, but I feel nowhere near as bad as I did on birth control. And the scale is finally back to where it should be. Today I am not feeling too hot after eating Olive Garden on Wednesday, Cheesecake Factory on Friday, and the local diner yesterday and as usual, I'd feel so much better if I could just go to the damn bathroom, but that clearly is not happening. I am finally trying a new stronger pro-biotic and I start tonight. I am a little nervous if it will make me feel bloated until I adjust to the new formula. I have been taking 2 billion of acidophilus. The new pro-biotics are 20 billion of mixed bacterial strains.

But still no period. And it's bugging the shit out of me. And not helping to stop the slowly growing anxiety that all of this is perimenopause. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate my brain?

Quote Of The Day

From some model I have never heard of, Cameron Russell; the comment made me want to simultaneously LOL and shake my damn head:

Because I have to think about what I look like every day. If you ever are wondering, 'If I have thinner thighs and shinier hair, will I be happier?' you just need to meet a group of models, because they have the thinnest thighs and the shiniest hair and the coolest clothes, and they're the most physically insecure women on the planet.

Well.....I don't have the thinnest thighs, or the shiniest hair, or the coolest clothes, but damn if I am not one of the most physically insecure women on earth. Nice to know I'd probably get along very well with models, although I'd probably be the only one who actually has legitimate insecurities. I was in the bathroom earlier and I lifted up my bathrobe and was looking at my naked behindus and legs and fuck, if I don't have bad cellulite. Good god. It's kind of sad that no matter what I weigh, I will never be happy with my body. Sure I am happier with my body at 122 pounds than I was at *grits teeth* the 180 pounds I was in 2007. But I still hate it.

Yay!

Thirty years ago on this day, God said "I shall create a male child who will grow up to be the most beautiful man alive". Eleven years later, God said "I shall create a male child who will grow up to be the most adorable little prince alive".

Happy birthday, you flawless curly-headed specimens.