You Suck, Mental Illness

I know I have made some complaints about ONTD before, but there are times on that site that makes me really like it and is probably the reason why I still continue to visit it. Tonight, for instance, in regards to Mindy McCready's suicide. I don't know much about her, except that she was a country singer and apparently a complete wreck and a half. And clearly had severe emotional issues. When I saw a Facebook posting from Crazy Days and Nights that she committed suicide, I checked a couple other gossip pages I like to visit to see if they had posted anything also. The news made me sick, even though I hardly know anything about her. Suicide just makes me sad. I hate to hear of anyone doing it. I know what it feels like to want to die and no one should ever have to feel that sick, dark, twisted feeling.

When it was finally posted on ONTD, someone, as usual, had to post something about being selfish. And the responses to the comment are one of the reason why I like that site. Look, I can see why people may think it is selfish. But if these people knew how twisted your mind is working when it is contemplating suicide, then maybe, just maybe, they'd understand why people commit suicide.

ETA 12:49AM: She killed her dog, too? Oh no. Now that was not cool.

I need to learn to just stay out of topics that involve mental illness and suicide, because clearly people just don't get it. And probably never will. I mean, what part of the person feels like they are doing others a favor is so hard to get? They clearly don't. I wish I could put into exact words what it feels like to want to commit suicide. But it's indescribable. It's a horrible, dark, suffocating feeling. And you certainly do not feel like yourself. It's like you are not even you. And this is just wanting to end your own life. I can't even begin to imagine what your state of mind must be life when you actually make an active attempt to end your own life.

Other things have factored into why I have wanted to end my own life, but the whole "doing others a favor" is usually a big one. That I am such a miserable horrible person and if I just killed myself, then no one has to put up with my miserable nastiness anymore. And then there is just I want the shit to stop. I want to be free of worrying about my loved ones, about my health, about everything. That death can be the only option to be free from it all. And it's easy for people to say well that is what medication is for. No, not always. It may not work, it may make things worse before it gets better.....and sometimes worse is the last thing the person needs.

And that hellhole where I stayed had some strict policies when it comes to releasing patients. I read that Mindy was released from a facility after two days. I don't know if she was suicidal when she was committed, but she sounded like she was a dual diagnosis (mental illness and addiction), so why she would be released so soon makes it even stranger. I am always hearing people say they were kept for 48 hours and released, or 24 hours, or whatever. The place I stayed at, you were held for 48 hours after being admitted. After that, you were free to go whenever you liked.....as long as you gave 48 hours notice.