Random Thoughts

I am dreading the next few days because it should be right around the time I start having spotting again. If that happens, I think I am going to finally have a nervous breakdown. The more I think about it, the more annoyed I get. I want to know why it is happening. It is ridiculous- at least to me- to not even try to find a reason why this is happening.

I am so fed up with feeling like shit, with no one taking me seriously, not knowing what to do. I really don't know what to do. And by getting myself so stressed out over it, I am only making myself feel worse. And now I not only have to sit and inspect my skin, now I have to sit and inspect my underarm and pubic hair as well. I can't take it anymore. There is almost nothing at this point that can convince me I don't have this fucking disease. It has almost reached the point of taking over my entire life. And I am allowing it to, because I just don't know what to do.

And to make everything even worse, all I keep thinking is, why is this not going away? Is this my body's way of telling me that I do have it? I want to scream.

I have never so desperately needed someone to talk to as right now. And I have no one. And when I do finally get people's attention, they "have enough shit to deal with right now and don't need this". Nice, huh? I think about ending my own life every day (luckily I have neither a plan nor any idea on how I would do it), but no one can deal with that right now. Whatever. It's certainly not helping to change my mind. It's just giving me more ammunition as to why I should.