Random Thoughts

I didn't doubt for one second that Chump was going to act like a complete and utter prick if he didn't win the election, but JFC, this is getting ridiculous. He didn't win, so it's automatically a crooked election? GTFOH. I'm so goddamn sick of that evil bastard and his evil bastard family. GO AWAY. 

And I'm so sick of this damn virus. And I'm sick of hearing everyone complain about how sick of it they are and they are just going to live their lives. Do you think the virus gives a fuck that we're tired of it? No. No, it does not! A Facebook friend posted some meme one day about not living your life in fear and just have the holidays because you never know if it will be someone's last. That's all fine and dandy and true to a point....but you can also make it someone's last by having the holidays and being or someone else being unknowingly infected! JFC, what do people not understand about ASYMPTOMATIC CASES???

And my coworkers....they're really starting to piss me off. Since our numbers are going up in Joisey, we've got some new rules in work. And the day it was announced, we had a group meeting and of course, it turned into a joke fest and everyone just laughing it all off. I work with quite a few people who are not what I would call particularly healthy, so perhaps maybe they should be taking it more seriously. Most are overweight, obese territory. Hypertension. The miserable old bitch is over 65, has diabetes, and had a heart attack last year. And unsurprisingly, she's the one that brushes it off the most. And most days when someone comes back to talk to me or sits near me, I feel like screaming WOULD IT KILL YOU TO PUT ON A FUCKING MASK?! 

I've had times where coworkers have asked me if I want them to put one on. I shouldn't have to be asked! Be respectful and just goddamn do it! It's not a nice thing to say by any means, but I've often said that if I were asymptomatic and passed it onto my coworkers, I would have a very hard time feeling bad about it.

I've been having a meltdown for the past couple of days because I ate in a restaurant on Saturday night. I've been on hyperalert. I wasn't happy about doing it, although I did my best to stay vigilant, e.g. kept my hands clean, didn't touch my face, kept a mask on the entire time except when eating or drinking. The million dollar question, the question I am constantly asking myself....was it enough? 

I can feel a headache brewing since earlier this evening and even though I've been getting them in relation to my cycle (I'm due for my period any day now) since long before Covid ever came around, I still can't help but worry. Having health-related anxiety and OCD during a pandemic is an absolute bitch.

Random Thoughts

Earlier I ran some errands with my mom and when I came home, it was about time for a temperature check. Much to my surprise and displeasure, it was 99.1. I did not have anything to drink or eat for a while, so it was definitely not that. It might have been due to the hot weather. No matter what, I still panicked. I waited about 15-20 minutes and took it again. Still 99.1. I gave it another 30 minutes and took it again, and it was down to 98.6. I tried another thermometer and it was also 98.6. A little while later, it was 98.3. At 7PM (I tend to take it on the hour), it was 98.6. And at that point, I had just gotten out of the shower about 40 minutes prior. At 8PM, it again read 99.1, and predictably I melted down. At 9PM, it was 98.1.

And just to note, I do realize I am overdoing it in taking my temperature and that I am well aware of the fact that I going to get different readings throughout the day. But this is the fun of having OCD, and even those of us with the damn disorder cannot make logic of our fears and compulsions. I can't give any rhyme or reason as to why I have to take my temperature so many times a day. I just do, or else I'll freak out.

This past Wednesday, my father complained he was feeling nauseous, and then later that night threw up several times. It only lasted a few hours and hasn't happened again. His temperature was normal anytime it was taken. The only thing he's been complaining about is decreased appetite. I don't know if it was a stomach bug or possible food poisoning or what it was, but it has had me nervous. My first thought was Covid. I still worry about that of course and have been keeping a closer eye than usual on everyone. 

Of course Covid is the first thing I am worrying about regarding my raised temperature readings earlier, but I am also worried because for the past month or so, I keep getting this pain in my upper right back, like right around the love handle area, about a couple inches above where the kidney is. It generally happens when I sometimes might move a certain way or even sometimes when I breathe in. Sometimes it just comes without doing anything. I'm worried that something there could be contributing to the raised temperatures. I would think if it was gallbladder related, I would also have pain in the front, as well as more consistent pain. But who knows. All I know is I am sick of worrying, worrying, worrying.

Random Thoughts

More than I'd like, there's many things that bother me that I don't understand why they do so. My one coworker, the one who claims to tell it like it is, we're pretty cool for the most part, although I have to say as a coworker, she gets under my skin very much. Also, I don't understand how someone who complains about different noises so much can be such a noisy person herself. Every time she collates papers, I want to take the stack and smack her on the head with it. But this isn't why I'm bringing her up. She typically "likes" a lot of things I post on Facebook, but for the past almost two months, she hasn't liked anything. And I know we're still friends, because I see her posts. I don't understand it, because I can't think of anything I might have done. Especially because, ya know, I HAVEN'T EVEN FREAKING BEEN IN WORK. Sure, there's been some posts I've made regarding the pandemic that might have been a little heated, but I can't see anything in them that would have offended her. And it's annoying me that this is bothering me. It's only fucking Facebook.

Look, I'm the first person to admit that I am a whiny immature catty bitch, but I graduated high school almost 18 years ago. I'm not here for this high school drama shit anymore. I dealt with it at the temp job I was working at right before I was admitted to the hospital (an assistant manager and the girl who trained me did not like each other, and I inadvertently got dragged into the middle of their drama).  

If, and I know there are probably many, people find me annoying, just remember this....nobody, and I mean nobody, finds me more annoying than me. I was freaking out one day over something stupid, and at some point I stopped and said to my mother that thank god I don't plan on ever getting married, because I would make someone's life a living hell because I'm so goddamn anal retentive.

All my local news has been talking about this weekend (after the constant Covid coverage) is the shore. I've finally gotten to the point where I want to go down really bad, although I am still overly nervous about going anywhere. The whole staying home part of the pandemic hasn't bothered me much, since before it even came about I never went anywhere much anyway. I really only ever went out if I needed to, and even then if I went in a store, I got what I needed and was out the door in no time. However, the lack of being able to just get in the car to go somewhere I need to go to without worrying about catching the virus is what is mainly frustrating. I'm terrified to touch anything, and although wearing a mask makes me a little less anxious, it doesn't help a whole lot. I'm always worried if I have on right, tight enough, etc.

I honestly don't understand the whole big deal about wearing masks. For the most part I like wearing one (I think I like covering my face). Yes, it can be uncomfortable at times, but you know what else is uncomfortable? Not being able to breathe. Being on a ventilator. Being alone in a hospital room without your family.

All I know is when and if this pandemic is ever over, I never want to hear the terms "social distancing", "quarantine" (unless I'm putting a computer virus in it), "difficult times", "challenging times", "unprecedented times", "these times", etc EVER AGAIN. Do not hesitate to point out if I missed any.

ETA 5/25: How on earth could I forget one of the phrases that grinds my gears the most? "We're in this together" or "we're all in this together". No, no we are NOT all in this together.

Random Thoughts

I'm really starting to get pissed with work now. As far as I last knew, my benefits were being paid through the end of April, then they would make a decision on what to do. May is more than half over and I have still yet to hear from anyone about what's going on with benefits, resumption of work, etc, anything at all. Was I forgotten about or something? It wouldn't be the first time I have been forgotten for things. Hell, there's even been times in work where my manager (supposedly) forgot to include me in meetings. Not even joking.

I mean, I can totally understand how people can forget me if I'm not physically in their presence, because for the most part I am extremely quiet when I'm around people. But then a part of me is like, if I have to remind people I exist, that's problematic. And it shouldn't be my responsibility to remind people I exist.

I know I am reaching the point where I'm taking this being furloughed far too personally now. I've always been taking it personally, but now a lot more than originally. I don't know why I am, but I just am. It's making me feel completely wretched, a loser, more proof that I'm a failure at life, you name it.

Random Thoughts

My tolerance for being furloughed is about to be reached.

I hate feeling this way, but I am starting to take being furloughed far too personally. Like it's bad enough the company laid me off before, then I just so happened to have to be chosen to be furloughed as well? It's been over a month, I got one text from my manager, and that was just to say hi and she misses me. Otherwise, nothing. I have no idea what the hell is even going on. And of course my mind is starting to really go to town, and I'm staring to get really scared that they're just going to decide to lay me off permanently.

I decided when I was first furloughed that I was going to try to stick with my normal routine as much as possible. But as my anxiety levels skyrocketed and my mood plummeted, it ended up not happening. I've been rolling out of bed no earlier than 10, and even that's a major effort. I have to force myself out of bed. I go to bed every night hoping something takes me during the night, but alas I still wake up every morning. I knew when I was feeling kind of good (possible hypomania?) back in the fall and early winter that a crash was inevitably going to come; however, I did not expect one this bad to happen.

And to add to everything I am already anxious about (which is basically everything), my mother is constantly complaining to me that she's worried about her stomach being so bloated and worried about having cancer, and I'm just ready to blow my brains out. I just can't even fathom that right now.

Oh, and I received an EOB a few weeks ago from my insurance that my endoscopy was denied due to not having preauthorization. Now maybe I should have found out about that before having the procedure done, but in my defense, any time I have needed preauthorization, the doctor's office always obtained it. Neither the doctor's office nor the surgical facility looked into it. If I have to pay for this, it's over $5,000.

Random Thoughts

Despite the tornado watch on Monday, we ended up having a lot of rain, wind, some thunder, then the sun came out. Thankfully no tornado warnings or actual tornadoes. The chest heaviness and constantly feeling like I need to take a deep breath has eased up as well, so I'm going to guess (and hope) it was period-related.

I've often said before that every time I go through a health crisis, the next one that comes along always makes me long for the one before, like how I was so scared of having an ulcer/h. Pylori before but would much rather be worried about that than Covid 19. I shudder to think what will come after this is all done and over with.

If it ever is.

Monday night I had a mild headache in the forehead area. I eventually went to bed hoping that it would go away overnight like my headaches typically do. However, when I woke up on Tuesday, I still had lingering pain and at some point it shifted to the right side of my head. By lunchtime, the pain was increasing with certain movements of my head and I started to think that it was going to turn into a migraine if I didn't take anything soon. I've been trying to avoid taking any pain medication for fear of it interfering with my temperature taking (yes, seriously), but I finally caved in and took Pamprin (I was having cramps as well). About an hour after I took it, I don't know what the hell happened, but I got really shaky and weird-feeling, and I also got incredibly nauseous which made me super anxious that I was going to throw up. And the headache eased up while all that was happening. It was weird, and I was pretty shook up the rest of the day. I've still been pretty shook up over it, because of course the only thing I'm thinking is omg it's Covid 19. Having a very mild headache today (this time on the left side and mostly around the eye) isn't helping matters any.

Ugh

I don't know what seems to cause it (lack of sleep, etc), but I tend to have good and then really bad days with my anxiety/OCD levels. Today is the latter. A very bad one.

And to top it off, my area is under a severe weather threat today, with a high wind warning and a tornado watch, so that's only adding to my already high anxiety levels.

Random Thoughts

I'm already beyond tired of being furloughed. I can't stand not having work to distract me. I still have no idea if my unemployment has been approved so I can start claiming benefits. I also know of at least a few people who were not furloughed, one being none other than my FWA. Because of course she wasn't. She's a defiant little brat yet somehow always manages to come out on top. It's so damn infuriating.

All day I've had an ungodly tickle in my throat. I feel like I was punched in the center of my chest, it feels heavy and ticklish, and I keep feeling like I have to take a deep breath. Of course I've been melting down all day that it could be Covid. I am due for my period tomorrow, which is starting to come on albeit slower than molasses, so I'm hoping it's just due to that, but it's still not very comforting. I have of course been taking my temperature obsessively, and the highest it's been today was 98.3, but even having no fever is not very reassuring.

On top of my sky-high anxiety/OCD levels, my depression levels are so damn bad right now, I'm having a very hard time dealing with all of my feeling. I can't stand not being able to see people normally. I'm tired of feeling so scared, I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of everything. I swear if I wasn't so afraid of going (as well as how much it would cost me), I would seriously contemplate admitting myself to a psychiatric facility.

And to be honest, I have been feeling a lot more suicidal than normal; the only good thing is, I'm so terrified of going to a medical hospital that it's keeping me from actually harming myself for fear that if I'm not successful, I will end up at a hospital where Covid germs are swarming like a bunch of fucking roaches.

Random Thoughts

Like I'm sure many others are, I'm Covid-exhausted. I'm tired of hearing about it on the TV, seeing it on the internet, talking about it, worrying about it. God, just go away already.

I'm also sick of celebrities. Yes, the general population so needs lessons on how to stay home from overpaid egotistical assholes with 10,000 square feet mansions. Take several seats and STFU.

Sorry, I'm PMSing and I'm beyond exhausted from worrying so much and having distressing thoughts. I feel like one of these days I'm just going to implode.

Good God

Day one of furlough- already ready to lose my mind. It's hard to have nothing to do. I read all of my library books and unfortunately didn't get a chance to get there again to stock up before it was closed. There's only so many times I can clean the house or my car or anyone else's cars. I could be watching movies (been wanting to watch "KITH: Brain Candy"), but I'm so anxious and restless, I have a hard time sitting and watching anything. So what do I do? Go on the internet. And read Covid-related headline after headline. In between taking my temperature 5,387 times a day.

I keep saying I can't wait for this to be over, which I truly can't, but I strongly believe even when it's over, my anxiety/OCD levels are not going to diminish. I can't deny going out in public and being around people wasn't a bit of a problem before Covid-19 ever was even a term, but I don't think I'm ever going to feel comfortable being out in public and around people for a very long time, if ever.

Lord knows I've had many experiences with bad anxiety/OCD, notably my fear of having MS being so bad it was making me suicidal, eventually leading to a week-long stay in a psychiatric facility. I would say my anxiety/OCD levels are about par with that; however, what makes this infinitely worse is it doesn't just affect me. Being fearful of having MS, it was just worrying about me having it. I didn't have to worry about having it and spreading to others, potentially risking their lives. And I can't deny that there are days my fears of having Covid and spreading it to others become so unbearable that I just want to get into my car and floor it into a wall.

Random Thoughts

I found out today I am being temporarily furloughed. I will be brought back at some point, but obviously with all that is going on, there is no known date. I can't say I'm terribly upset (at least I qualify for unemployment and before anyone wants to slam unemployment, I am going to be paying 10% taxes on my unemployment earnings, as I did last time I collected unemployment), but at the same time I'm irked, mostly because I can't help but wonder....everyone who was on the call today, are we the only ones being furloughed? Because so help me god, if I find out my FWA is still being kept on, I'm going to bloody scream.

And the worst part is, working helped to get my mind off the pandemic somewhat. It kept me from reading article after article, or doing anything else related, and now I will no longer have that distraction. My anxiety, OCD, and health anxiety levels are going to flare up so bad. 

Every single day our Covid-19 count in NJ just jumps higher and higher. I know we're densely populated, but JFC for such a stupid little state to have so many damn cases is ridiculous.

Last night around 8, I took my temperature and it was 99. That was all I needed to see. I burst into tears and though I didn't have a full panic attack, I was hyperventilating pretty bad. It did go down later on, and because of that, I've taken my temperature a total of 13 times so far today. It's been in the normal range (but still higher than typical), although it was 99.1 at around 8, nearly leading to the same reaction.

Random Thoughts

So I have finally been moved to work from home. Today was my first day. I was also forced to take two days off due to lack of work. A lack of work yet somehow we are still considered "essential". Sure. Essential to the executives who need another home or luxury vehicle.

Having GAD/OCD/health anxiety during this Covid-19 pandemic is like the 9th layer of hell. I'm about one foot in the grave, one foot on a banana peel away from a complete nervous breakdown. I can't stand thinking of how much contamination there is. I'm still taking my temperature multiple times; I've taken it 7 times today, which is a slight improvement compared to some days, but still...come on, what normal person does that?

Every slight ill feeling automatically equates to Covid-19. Every headache, every bit of nausea, every throat tickle, etc. And even though my stomach has felt better, I am still feeling that tight heavy feeling in my chest and feeling like I constantly have to take a deep breath, which makes me more anxious about Covid, the rise in anxiety makes the feelings worse, and it's a never-ending cycle that feeds into each other. Every time one of my parents coughs or anything, I start getting more anxious.

This whole Covid-19 situation is gear-grinding, but these asshats that are continuing to defy the lockdowns are really to piss me the hell off. What in the love of all that is holy is so goddamn difficult to understand about STAYING THE HOME?! YOU might not care if you get it, but this isn't about you! This is a HIGHLY contagious disease, this is about everyone else you can infect! This could be your parents, your grandparents, your siblings, healthcare workers, a cancer patient or other immunocompromised person, first responders, grocery store workers, restaurant workers, and anyone else you might come into contact with.

JFC JUST STAY THE FUCK HOME!

Good God

My anxiety/OCD levels over this Covid 19 shit is getting to the point that I myself am actually starting to get concerned over my own well-being. More than once I have contemplated harming myself. More than once I have asked myself, do I need to seriously consider admitting myself to the hospital? Then it occurs to me how much Covid could be lurking in a hospital and I start freaking out over the realization that there really is NO safe place whatsoever for me to go. 

I've had headaches all week, and today my throat and chest feel ticklish and like I need to cough but none ever comes. I've been such a mess all day over this. I don't know if it's anxiety or reflux or worst case scenario Covid, but my anxiety levels certainly aren't helping matters. Yesterday, I can't even begin to tell you how much times I took my temperature. I lost count. I'd say it was at least almost every hour. Today I had to fight the compulsion to do it, but it was still numerous times. My temperature has been fine, but of course there is that little niggling thought in the back of my head- is my thermometer working properly?

I don't think that the fact that cases in my state have literally EXPLODED in the past few days has helped matters by any means. Not to mention 3 cases have officially hit my town. The sole fact of me getting it doesn't terrify me nearly as much as the fact of me getting it and spreading it to a loved one. If I got it and spread it to a loved one, I would never be able to forgive myself.

OCD In The Time Of Covid-19

It's extremely difficult, but I'm doing everything in my power to keep it together.  It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in this and plenty of people are with me in being scared, but for those of us with any type of mental illness, it's unbearable. A month ago, worrying that I had H. pylori and/or peptic ulcers....that pales in comparison to this. I honestly would take it over worrying about Covid-19.

Every time I feel a little less than stellar, I'm on high alert. My throat has been tickling me for the past few days and I'm panicking over it. Any body ache, nausea, fatigue etc is an invitation to meltdown time. I'm constantly taking my temperature. I was in work earlier and I felt crappy and all I kept thinking was I need to take my temperature. Except I had no thermometer. I had to do everything in my power to keep from having a complete and utter meltdown. Washing, sanitizing, Lysoling, Chlorox wiping....and it's just NEVER enough to give me somewhat of a peace of mind. Am I doing enough? Am I doing too much? Am I doing it right?

It's all so fucking exhausting. The only thing I have no complaint about this all is the whole social distancing thing. It's a blessing and a half when you're socially anxious weirdo.

Random Thoughts

The upside- my grandfather does not have cancer.

The downside- I still have to get through Monday, when my mother has surgery for the 50,000th time. 

I'm also still a mental case about what is going on with my digestive system. What's really making me anxious is this heavy feeling in my chest, like I constantly need to take a deep breath that is never satisfying. I also feel like I've been punched in the chest. The weird thing is that heavy feeling in my chest, I typically feel that that before I get my period.

And every so often, I start feeling discomfort in my stomach when I'm eating, almost like a full feeling, but usually once I belch I feel somewhat better. And it makes me anxious, because as I've said before, I never get full. And sometimes when I'm eating or after, I get a very slight but still noticeable feeling in my left upper quadrant that feels like that stitch pain you get when you don't breathe right while exercising.

Pepcid gives me mild to moderate relief, but it's far from perfect. However, it did a damn good job of getting rid of that horrible taste from the back of my throat. That was terrible. It seriously felt and tasted like something died in the back of my throat.

I still have to get through another 10 days until I see the GI. And even then I'm still going to be stuck in an anxiety-wracked limbo wondering what is going on until I get scoped. Even then, will I have an answer? And it still never ceases to amaze me how much more scared I am of being told I have H. pylori or an ulcer than being told I have cancer.

Random Thoughts

I went to see my grandparents today. My grandmom is mega emotional and burst into tears as soon as we came in the door. I know they're both in their 90's, but sheesh seeing them look the way they do is tough.  Same with my parents, my furry niece, etc.

Getting old really freaking blows.

Since I started taking Prozac, I feel like my disease crises have been minimal and short-lived. However, it seems it's no longer working. This obsession over what is going on with my digestive system and worrying that I have H. pylori is taking a toll on me right now. I stopped taking Pepcid the other day because it seemed like it was making my anxiety worse, it was giving me terrible back and leg pain, blowing me up to no end, and it was constipating me. I don't seem to be having terrible heartburn since then or the return of that godawful burning hunger feeling (knock on wood), but I still have an annoying feeling in my throat and that godawful taste coming from either my throat or stomach. I don't even want to talk to anyone because I'm so worried how bad I might smell from it. I'm terrified of eating, that it's going to make me sick/vomit, I'm going to get full easy (seriously, I never get full), that the burning hunger feeling is going to return, you name it.

Then I'm worried about the treatment if I do have H. pylori. Typically two antibiotics, which is like a damn nightmare to me, considering how bad one antibiotic affects me. It's not like I've never done two at one time. When I had endometritis, I had to take Flagyl and doxy. It wasn't the worse thing in the world....until the end, when I nearly got impacted. It was horrible. I could barely even sit. Let me just say thank god for enemas.

And if I do have it, I'm going to be wracked with guilt wondering if I may have infected anyone with it, since it apparently is contagious. And if I did, I'll feel horrible.

What never ceases to amaze me is how when it comes to these disease crises, it's never anything that is really that substantially big. It's not the least bit impossible for me to have cancer, yet it's not even on the top of my list of things to worry about.

On another note, happy birthday to the beautiful Mr. Vanwyngarden (yes, I do still have a megacrush on him and despite coming to the conclusion that I'm basically asexual....I still would.) 

Random Thoughts

Back during the fall, I was feeling somewhat good. I was having less trouble with my digestive system, my mood was kind of well, really good. Of course I had the voice in the back of my head reminding me that what goes up must come down, and I knew ultimately a crash would come. And it appears that it has finally come. I am having a horrible OCD flare.

First things. My furry niece's cancer is back. My mom has to have back surgery again. My g-pop might possibly have cancer. 

On New Years Eve, I woke up with an extremely irritated throat and burning in my chest. I assumed it was a reflux flare or something, but the rest of the week my throat continued to be irritated and by the weekend I was coughing and congested. That Sunday night I lost my sense of smell and taste and it continued, so the next day I went to CVS to get something and then decided to go to the Minute Clinic where I was diagnosed with a sinus infection and given my good old buddy doxycycline. By Wednesday I had started to feel somewhat better and my taste and smell were coming back. But the closer I got to the end of my prescription, I started to worry that everything would come back after I finished the prescription.

And let me remind you that whenever I have been diagnosed with a sinus infection, I always get terrible fearful that it's not going to go away and it's going to spread to my brain or blood. This time around I also had an area in my left lower gum bothering me that I was fearful was an abscess that was going to spread as well. Now I get anxious about a lot of things in life, but not much can surpass sepsis.

The good thing is, my prescription ended and I had no recurrence, just the typical digestive system mess antibiotics like to leave me with. But then this past Tuesday I started having this burning in my chest and esophagus. My throat is irritated and I have the worst taste coming from the same area. I keep getting this burning hunger feeling every so often. I'm belching more than often. My stomach and esophagus feel raw and irritated. I don't know if it's a bad acid reflux flare or what. Of course I know I'm never too young for cancer, especially with my reflux history and family history, but in the grand tradition of things, I tend to worry more about less serious illnesses. I'm more worried that it's H. pylori or an ulcer or both. I've been taking Pepcid which helps but not entirely. I'm afraid to eat for fear of how whatever I eat is going to affect me. I'm worried about vomiting. It has me such a big time mess.

If people could experience how I'm feeling right now, you'd completely understand why I want to put my foot up every person's ass who is all tee hee I like a clean house I'm so OCD tee hee!

Hmph

Tomorrow will be 14 years since I was admitted to that place. It certainly was not the most pleasant experience, and my mental state at that time was bad (at the time, if you had told me that I would one day not be the least bit afraid of MS, I would not have believed you in any way, shape or form), but it was not terrible. Why I cannot shake the trauma of the entire experience is beyond my understanding.

The Bitch Is Back

Wow, I can't believe it's been over 2 years since I last graced everyone with my presence.  I blame the Prozac.  Since I started that shit, it's done nothing but take my ability to express my feelings (which I had issues with prior to starting Prozac) and just traps it inside me, leaving me with so much pent up miserableness that any day now I'm waiting for the mother of all breakdowns to come.  And at the point I'm at, I'm not sure that's going to be such a terrible thing.

My FWA is pregnant again.  And just as obnoxious as she was before.  Everything is blamed on the pregnancy.  Every time we walk by her or she walks by us, the hand has to start rubbing her belly.  Bitching about this, bitching about that.  And I want to be excited about her going out on maternity leave soon.  But I'm fucking freaking out.  And then it doesn't help that we've had a higher number of reviewers lately so the workload has been kind of light (first holiday season I was able to leave normal time), and one of them resigned on Friday.  So now I'm really freaking out.  And really beating myself up that I can't handle doing such a simple job that apparently any idiot can be hired to do.  Of course I don't doubt that having anxiety and OCD doesn't contribute to that.  I can't NOT care about the quality of my work like everyone else apparently does.

I've always suspected I've had misophonia but lately it's been really bad.  Again, I'm not sure if this is something Prozac is contributing to (it was never this bad until I started Prozac).  Nearly every little noise gets on my nerves, practically to the point where I honest to God wish I would go deaf just because I can't fucking stand it anymore.  And one of the things that really gets under my skin is hearing people collate in work.  Everyone is obnoxiously loud with flicking through paper and the sound drives me fucking bonkers.  I'm surprised I actually have any teeth left because I grind them so hard the whole day in work.  I can't stand the sound so much and every time I hear it I want to put my hands over my ears and start screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP over and over and over again.  The level of agitation I feel every time I hear it can be terrifying.

There are so many days anymore where I wish I would just get the guts to end it already.

On the plus side, after years of chickening out, I finally did it in November- I went through with LASIK!  It cost me a pretty penny but with the exception of dry eye (which I had some issues with before), so far so good.

But let me tell you- laugh heartily anytime you hear commercials about $250 an eye LASIK.  You must hardly be nearsighted to qualify for that. 

ARGHHHHHHHHHH

I don't know if it's because I am on my period (which came 45 days this time, another 2 days later than before; hello again, premature menopause fear), but I am in one hell of a bad mood.

For starters, I'm incredibly pissed with this heat sensitivity. I'm not scared to have root canal done again, since now I know how incredibly not scary it is, but I don't think I should be facing the possibility of having to have it done again. An endodontic specialist did it, for fuck's sake. Root canals are her specialty! And when I went for my 6 month check-up, she had them do a 3D x-ray on me (boy, can't wait to see how much that is going to cost me) and after she viewed it, she went on this long string. And I couldn't understand anything she said because 1) she talks on the very low side of LOW and 2) she's got a very heavy accent. And I, of course, am too proper and spineless to speak up and say I'm sorry I don't understand what you are saying to me.

I am so scared of getting an infection, or possibly having one that is symptom-less, or getting one that ends up spreading to my jaw or brain or causing sepsis or whatever else scary could happen.

And then every goddamn night I have to hear my mother go on about this ailing her or that ailing her and about the ringing in her ears and buzzing in her head and how there is probably something wrong with her and she can't afford for anything to happen to her right now and I feel like I am going to lose my mind. Not the kind of stuff you want to hear when you worry all of the damn time as it is. Especially when the shit is coming from one of the most important people in your life.

I can't take all of the fucking worrying. I can't take worrying something bad is going to happen to my loved ones while I am at work or whenever I am out or whenever anyone else goes out. I can't take worrying that I am going to make a massive mistake in work and get fired. I can't take worrying about identity theft all of the goddamn time. I can't take worrying about my health all of the time. I can't take worrying about my weight. I can't take worrying about tornadoes and other destructive storms when the warm weather comes. It's time like this I wish I would just get the guts to end it all. Anything to stop all of the NOISE.