Random Thoughts

As I said before, my bone scan was normal. No fracture or anything. It took a few days, but it finally started to sink in that maybe there really was not one. Don't think I still have totally given up on pressing different areas every so often. Eventually, it should hopefully go away.

The bitches at the imaging center apparently were not lying to me. My bone scan was $686. Luckily, I still have money in my insurance fund. I thought for sure that would have wiped it out, plus cost me money, since I would have still owed money on my deductible.

We had a patient in work today who reminded me of Curly. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.

We got an email in work one day reminding us of the dress code and there was something about low cut shirts and my WA came back complaining and then opens up her sweatshirt and shows me her top. Her tits were hanging out in the middle pretty good. I felt like saying, bitch, are you for real? That top was completely inappropriate for work! But then again, most of the crap she wears is not exactly work appropriate. For one, she comes in with jean or khaki capris on all the time, all of which are several sizes too small for her. And the tops? Also too small. And she has a knack for wearing colored bras under white shirts. One day when I was kind of out of it, I had put a black bra on under a white top and when I realized it, I complained about my stupidity and she said something about having a red bra on under her white top and then said it wasn't a big deal. I wanted to say well maybe not to you it isn't, but I don't like to look like a fucking whore.

She said something today she hasn't said in a while- she had thought she was pregnant, her period was a few days late. I flat out ignored her. I just can't with these "pregnancy scares" anymore.

I am starting to feel very paranoid anymore whenever I am interacting with people and it's really bothering me. Every time I talk to people, I am feel like I am being patronized or they are only agreeing with me for the sake of agreeing with me or they are trying to see how stupid I am or they are trying to trick me into admitting to doing something. And on top of having a terrible attention span, I am also having a difficult time listening to people because I am so preoccupied with how they are preceiving me. I am getting to the point of not want to socialize at all.

It's been well over a month now and I still have seen no hide or hair of that guy. And it's depressing me to the point of actually filling with tears whenever I think about it or if I see one of those ugly ass Toyotas. Jesus I am pathetic. I even dreamt about him last night and in the dream, holy mother of God, was he cute. I am telling you right now- if I EVER look out and see it out there, I am going to do one of two things- 1) cry 2) let out a shriek like Dr. Zoidberg lets out in "Roswell That Ends Well" when the CIA or FBI or whatever detains him and leaves him food and he says something about wishing he had his wallet and they tell him the food is free.

Video Of The Day

A song that 9 years later I still love so fucking much. A song that when I am feeling lower than dirt and having no idea where to turn and wanting to end it all, I want to stand on a bridge or building and blast, desperately hoping someone will listen to the chorus and actually act on it:

Picture Of The Day

Browse images: The Situation Shows Off His Abs | Radar Online

They still exist? Oh my.....

Well, why we are feeling mighty horny at the moment, may as well throw this in as well. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this. And this gif again.

Oh god. Abs. So much fabulous abs. And muscles. And look at these pictures. That second picture. I never thought I would ever say this about a man, but holy mother of God, Andrew is beautiful! I can't turn away! I just cann...I mea...ohhhhhhhhh *falls against wall and slides down*

Video Of The Day

It just gets better and better:



I saw this video on MTV Hits one morning and I didn't have the sound up real loud, but it was right at the part with the creepy puppet things and I thought, how much you want to bet this is MGMT?

I decided this morning driving into work and listening to it that if I was getting married shortly, this is the song I want to play when my husband removes my garter.

Oh man. Andrew riding that motorcycle. And this gif. Sweet zombie Jesus, look at that body.

The I Have No Idea What To Call It Of The Day

Went down Seaside Saturday evening. My sister decides she needs to stop in the restroom right across from the Shore Store. There was a pretty large crowd outside and they were all watching the store. My mother and I just hung over by a lamp post amongst the mass of people and I kept my head facing the ocean. I heard some brat, who should not even know who these cretins are, say that Mike was in the store. I was less than 25 feet away from this. This that I have had more sexual fantasies about than should legally be allowed for one human (sickening, isn't it?). *starts hyperventilating, collapses on floor, and rocks back and forth with thumb in mouth*

If I didn't dislike my face so much, you bet your bottom dollar the second I heard that kid say Mike Sorrentino was in there, I would have charged through the crowd like a football player. They were all fucking animals anyway, in the crowd, so who do I care who I hurt? Some fat old ugly ass Puerto Rican bitch almost knocked my mother over running to get a look at Pauly D who was apparently a little ways up the boardwalk. I was half tempted to chase her down, grab her by her hair and pull her to the ground and say "hey bitch, learn some fucking manners! Oh and newsflash- Pauly D ain't going to give your fat fucking grenade ass the time of day anyway!"

I know a lot of people think he is ugly (I want to say I feel bad for him whenever anyone calls him ugly. But then I think of that massive ego and all sympathy evaporates), and I have seen some rather unattractive pictures of him where I can see why people call him ugly, plus there is the whole he looks so greasy that I would probably slide off the bed and break my face if I jumped and attacked him, but I think he looks cute in that picture. He looks normal. And un-douchebaggy.

Besides, I never understand why people complain about Mike being ugly. Look at Vinny. That kid's face looks like a fucking Picasso painting. I don't know why I ever said he was cute. Whenever I see him on the show bitching about grenades hitting on him and pretty much implying how dare they do so and then I look at his face, I want to punch him so bad and then kick him in the nuts.

I seen some comment on Oh No They Didn't that said the person thinks Mike has unresolved sexual tensions for Ronnie. I laughed, then I kind of thought about it. Like I know there was apparently something about Sammi choosing Ronnie over Mike and all that, but....I don't know. I still get the worst gay vibe from Mike, and maybe, just maybe, that is why he starts all that crap between the two of them. Maybe he is a psycho and if he can't have Ronnie, no one can!

I should mention that he would be wise to start sleeping with one eye open, because there is a possibility that his reign as king of my celebrity crush world could be overthrown very shortly.

The WTF Of The Day

Amy Winehouse Has Died | Dlisted

Say what now?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Thoughts

When my former psychiatrist raised the possibility of manic depression to me, I doubted him. And then this past fall, I started to feel good. Really good. Probably the best I have felt in a really long time. And it continued for several months. Sure I had my moments of feeling down and miserable, but the way I felt was something I have not felt in a long time. And then I had to go and start worrying about my foot and that's when I think everything started to crash.

I have felt terrible the past few weeks. Even getting the results of my bone scan is still not pulling me out of this. I feel a little better about it, but my foot is still bothering me and it still has me kind of anxious. I have had to force myself out of bed every morning. All I want to do is stay in bed and not move. I come home from work and all I want to do is the same thing. I feel like I have fallen into a black hole. The littlest things overwhelm me. I just want to cry all the time. I can't stand all of the crap going on at home. I am completely bored with life.

I saw this article the other day. A small part of me died inside. Other than the fantastic set of tits, I really don't know how Katy Perry ever got as far as she did, because if you listen to her songs, she does not have very much of a vocal range. And she is always singing songs that don't seem like they are in that teeny weeny range. God, she sucks so much.

Leave it to this society. She has more nominations than Lady Gaga? Or Adele? I loved "Rolling in the Deep" when it first came out, but now I am beyond tired of hearing it, but Adele has talent. That girl can sing and I really hope she does not die young like she thinks she is going to.

My sister told me the other day she heard "Pumped Up Kicks" by Foster The People twice in one day on Q-102. Another small part of me died inside that day.

I have never doubted for one minute that Snookie is a fucking dumbass since the day that terrible piece of shit show infected the television airwaves. Now that I hear she is considering doing Dancing With The Has Beens and Why Am I Famous Agains, now I know for a fact that she is dumb as shit, because, as I recall, what was it she said about Sitch doing it? Ah yes. This:

I feel, like, 'Dancing with the Stars' is for, like, celebrities that fell off and they need a way to get back in

Can one person really be that stupid? Oh. Wait.

An [Non] Angry Letter To Tastycake

Dear Tastycake:

I love your angel food cakes so fucking much.

That is all.

*takes last bite and moans erotically*

Sincerely,
S-Cubed

The I Have No Idea What To Call It Of The Day

My bone scan apparently is normal.

I am not completely done being anxious over this yet.

Plus, now I have to worry about how much this is going to end up costing me.

Random Thoughts

I mentioned in my last posting that when I woke up Saturday morning, my father had left to go down the shore. He didn't come home until today. I can't say anyone really missed him.

I am trying to hold off calling the doctor's to find out the results of my bone scan, but frankly, I am going out of my mind. I am terrified to find out what they are, but at the same time, I need to know! It's been bothering me again a little today. Still no pain walking and no pain touching it or anything, but sitting here, the inner part feels like it's inflamed and tingling and I keep getting a mild shooting pain on the very outer edge. My outer ankle, and later front of ankle, had some discomfort walking earlier, almost like it was stuck or something and needed to unstick.

All I want to know is that it is not some type of injury, like a fracture or something. And while I certainly don't want anything wrong with me, if it were to come back I had arthritis or something of that nature, I think I would feel some relief. Because if it comes back normal, I don't think it will be the end of my anxiety. And I will be right back at the doctors, although this time it will be with a podiatrist. And more money out of my pocket, since I am sure I just wiped out the rest of my HRA fund. I still keep getting the nagging wonder of whether this could be tarsal tunnel syndrome, but I really have no idea. And if a podiatrist cannot find anything, then I am going to start feeling very unsettled that this is all a product of my mind and none of the pain really exists.

I was reading some article earlier about an disability advocacy group whining about Lady Gaga's latest performance and how they feel like she is trying glamorize disabilities. I'm sorry, I fail to see how dressing in a mermaid costume and sitting in a wheelchair is glamorizing a disability. Stupid? Yeah. But someone explain to me how this is glamorizing a disability.

I swear to God, you cannot please anyone in this stupid world anymore. Everyone wants to be treated the same, but are the first to bitch and moan when they think they are being made of fun or treated meanly. Wah wah wah! And because of whiny political correct asshole people like this, this is exactly why I have to make myself sick making sure That Thing never comes out. And why I have to feel so ashamed of it. These people whine they want to be treated the same, yet I have to feel shame for wanting to be one of them. I wish I could just say fuck them all and not care.

But we all know that is not ever going to happen.

I have made it very clear of how terribly depressed and shameful of this problem I am, but I also have a very unrelenting anger over it. Mostly over having to feel the way I do about it. And I also have a feeling that IF I did ever reveal it to anyone, it would lead to an argument. I just don't understand what the big fucking deal is. It doesn't hurt anyone else. It doesn't hurt those who have it. It doesn't hurt those who don't. THIS does not affect anyone but me!

I can't believe in the short span of time I spent sitting outside I managed to get eaten alive.

Random Thoughts

Almost every day since I started feeling pretty bad, I have been wondering, when am I going to reach the breaking point? When is the time going to come when I am going to finally snap? I don't mean in the sense that I am going to go postal and go shoot up somewhere or anything like that. Just when I am going to reach the point where I just cannot take anymore and just basically shut down? I keep feeling like I am getting closer and closer to that point every day.

Yesterday was another added weight. It was my grandmother's birthday and we decided to celebrate it with her. Of course, as soon as my mother said something, my father had to become a real jackass about it. He actually said to my mother that oh he guesses he is going to have to go out again and then they got into another argument about it. Apparently he has his reasons for hating them, although every time my mother challenged him on it, he couldn't give any. My mother told him keep it up and he will die a lonely old man. His response? Good. And he left for a while and didn't come home until almost midnight. Today I woke up and he wasn't home. He went down the shore for the day. I told my mother yesterday that God forgive me for saying this about my father, but I wish he had dropped dead of a heart attack instead of his sister.

I know my grandparents can be trying, but they are good people. And the fact that even after all of the years of shit treatment he has given them and they would STILL bend over backwards for him proves just how good of people they are. My grandfather lent him almost two thousand fucking dollars when the collectors were coming after him and what does he do? Still continues to treat him like shit, made absolutely no effort to pay him back, and leaves my mother to pay back the entire amount of the loan for his fucking mess, which he blames my mother for.

And yes, I did happen to have my bone scan before all that happened. I was a nervous wreck before and when I got there and matters weren't helped when I got there and found my prescription was never faxed over. That only agitated me more. I was pretty nervous over getting the needle, but the man that gave it to me did a very good job and I told him that I was nervous over getting it and after he did it, he said he didn't know why I was so nervous, with having such large veins (my veins on my arm where the usually take blood are pretty nasty, especially the one on my left arm; my sister is always threatening to bring home a needle and draw blood from it). Some images were taken right after, then I had to come back about 2.5 hours later to get the rest of it done. I was sent home with the pictures, which was probably not the best idea for someone like me and my favorite doctor is unfortunately on vacation this week and all of the other doctors scare me, so I can't take them into work. Although I am not seeing anything that looks like this or this, I still really have no clue what I am looking for. I am going to lose my freaking mind waiting for the results.

Video Of The Day

I'm scared out of my wits about tomorrow, so I am just going to go ahead and pretend I am on whatever the hell this video was produced on. I have come to the conclusion that MGMT can seriously do no wrong and every thing they do can be excused with simply, it's MGMT:



Sitch, I know you got famous for your abs, but take a look at this boy. That is a hot body! Not too big, not too skinny, and properly PROPORTIONED. Andrew has one fine ass body! I seen he had some fairly ripped arms in the "Kids" video, as well as some other qualities, but the rest of the body? Totally would have never seen that coming. Holy mother of God, seeing him was like Christmas morning. It reminded me of that episode of Futurama when Fry gets infected with the worms and he goes to fight Sal and Leela begs him not to and he rips off his shirt and he is full of muscle.

And because I have way too much time on my hands, let's say (in my wildest fantasies) that I had these two men fighting over me. Who would I go with? Andrew, of course. I mean, obviously there is the whole he would probably respect me a lot more. And Andrew also seems like the type that, just like his body, would shock you with basically everything he does. I almost want to say Sitch is someone who is probably good for sex and that's about it, but I doubt he is even good at that. I still get the feeling sex with him would be utterly disappointing (and quite infectious).

Andrew may be a bit of a pretty boy and has a tendency to dress in women's clothes (okay only about three times I have seen him do so) and is puny in stature compared to the Sitch, but from the little I have gathered of him, he is more of a man than the Sitch could even dream of being. For one, he actually seems to respect people. He probably doesn't go around calling girls grenades or landmines or whatever stupid terms those Cro-Magnons call every girl under the sun. And let's be honest here- even if Andrew did, at least he has room to say it! Look at him! He's pretty! Mike? Not so much. I might think he can be cute, but that boy shouldn't call anyone ugly.

I also highly doubt Andrew goes around sleeping with drunk women and then treating them like shit afterwards or trying to lure in girls who are in relationships. Mike doesn't even care if people are in relationships. If he wants to sleep with someone, he will do everything to get them regardless of their relation status. Oh, but I bet if you put the shoe on the other foot, the boy will be right there whining like the little 15 year old girl he acts like.

I also would be willing to bet a ton of money that Andrew could probably fight someone and kick their ass (but probably wouldn't, because he seems pretty peaceful and not an instigator of fights) more than the Sitch. He couldn't fight his way out of a paperbag. I'd like to see him actually get into a fight with someone who is not riddled with steroids or not a female. And actually WIN. Okay, so maybe Mike is not a fighter. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It could be a positive thing, in the sense that he probably wouldn't beat me (and that's a bigger plus if Old Man Sitch really was abusive). But he acts like he's got a lot of game and frankly, he is probably all talk and no game. I don't need my man to protect me at all costs, but it would be a little nice to know that he could have my back if needed.

Random Thoughts

Ugh I am getting closer to getting this test done. With the way I feel, you would think I was going in to find out if I have cancer or something. But I am scared to death what the results are going to be. For the most part today, I didn't seem to have much trouble. I still felt discomfort mostly when I am sitting or just standing around. I can't describe it, it's just like this prickling burning feeling and I would not say it is really painful, but it's very uncomfortable. And walking around seems to lessen it some. I did some stretching exercises last night and this morning so I don't know if maybe that is why it might feel a little better? It just comes and go and nothing seems to be the cause of setting it off. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and my heel was tingling. Not bad but enough for me to go WTF? And my big toe started twitching when this all started and it's been particularly bad the past few days. Right now it feels like my whole foot keeps wanting to curl. My big toe seems to burn the most. Some of the tingling seems like it is starting to move into the area right above my ankle, but not quite in the calf. And sometimes my foot just feels like some of the strength is going when I am walking. It's bizarre.

I am still almost starting to wonder if this is something nerve related, like tarsal tunnel. My sister says she thinks it could possibly be my back, but I think I would be feeling it in the entire leg as well. I do get cramping in my leg, but that seems to only flare up when I get really anxious, hence probably psychosmatic. And of course, researching brings out the ugliness of what it could be. I have seen MS as a possible cause on several pages, but I would eat my left hand if that is what was causing it. I mean, what would be the chances that I am absolutely terrified of something being wrong with me, and it turns out to be the last thing I was terrified of having?

But I am still absolutely terrified that it could be a stress fracture. I am going to go out of my mind waiting for these results. And then I realized today that I am due for my period, which exacerbates the OCD, which means I am really going to be a basket case. I have no idea how I am going to keep myself from completely losing it. Music is about the only thing keeping my head on right now. Also, as we already know, when I am stressed, I tend to get nasty. So that plus PMS....well, people would just be wise to not even come near me. I'll be tearing heads off.

Yesterday I was feeling particularly depressed and emotional over it and I was discussing it with my WA and I felt like a troll the whole time I was talking with her. Assuming her behavior is genuine and not an act, I am a terrible person. I really am. I thought a lot yesterday about how I treat people in relation to how they treat me and I should be ashamed of myself. I don't know what the fuck my problem is, except that I am a terrible person. My priorities in life are so out of whack it is ridiculous. I never flip out on people when I should and I flip out when I shouldn't.

I would have liked to have flipped out on someone today in work. I got an email from my boss that was from one of her higher ups and it was just fucking ridiculous. And I literally spent five minutes rereading one word in the email. For someone who has such a high authority, the fact that she used the completely wrong word as a spelling for another word just blew my mind. I didn't know whether to laugh or to curl up in the fetal position and weep while rocking back and forth with my thumb in my mouth at the stupidity of it (I ended up laughing).

Random Thoughts

I am not happy by any means that the weekend is over and I am back to work tomorrow, but all I want is to get this test done and over with and get the results. I have no idea how I am going to hold up the next two weeks. I am going to absolutely lose my freaking mind. So if a longer lapse in postings occurs, I probably was forced to voluntarily committed myself.

There are times I start to feel better about it and start to believe that it really is not anything to be concerned about, but then I might feel some discomfort or tingling or prickling and I am right back at the beginning of panicking. And every single time I panic, the rest of my body flares up in pain, especially across my shoulders and lumbar area. It is this very uncomfortable burning tingling feeling. And if it's not something in my foot that sets off the panicking, it's the sudden wonder of if I stop worrying about it, I might jinx everything. That is another issue. I am so beyond tired and exhausted from worrying over it, but I feel like if I don't worry about it, I am going to fuck everything up and there will be something wrong. I can't win either way.

It still amazes me how between the way heart disease runs rampant in my family, my terrible diet, and the amount of stress I place daily on my body that I have not dropped dead of a heart attack yet. But then again, I am still convinced I am going to die of cancer of the digestive system. Where, I still don't know. Probably the esophagus. I wouldn't be surprised if I already have cell changes going on. I am very uncompliant with treating acid reflux. And I really don't know why. It aggravates my mom that I don't treat it, since she has Barrett's now.

I believe very much now that I do definitely have obsessive compulsive disorder, but I always believe that my case tends to fall into the primarily obsession type. I don't really have compulsions, but in cases like this compulsions tend to rear their heads. Back when I believed I had MS, I was constantly consulting my sister's nursing books on neurological exams and despite not having the faintest idea of what I was doing, I would conduct mini ones constantly throughout the day just to relieve some of my anxiety. I would walk heel to toe or stand with my eyes closed or whatever else was listed as a neurological exam and the faintest sign of an abnormality, I would flip my lid. Does this not sound familiar? I am still constantly prodding and poking my foot throughout the day or standing on my tip toes or jumping on one foot and the first sign of ANY pain, I flip my lid. But if I do not do this, I will flip my lid. Go figure.

My sister and I hung out yesterday and we went to dinner at Outback and ran to some stores and when we were in the market, I started to feel some discomfort and she could see on my face that I was starting to get upset over it and as usual she got annoyed and said something like you haven't been worried about this all night you have been fine! Apparently she did not catch my constantly touching and poking my foot the whole time we were out. And it was, in fact, on my mind the entire time we were out. Look, I can kind of understand why people get annoyed over it, but it upsets me very much when people get angry with me over it.

Random Thoughts

I decided to give my local imaging center that I normally go to a call the other day to get a couple of quotes on an MRI and a bone scan. Boy, that was like pulling teeth. They gave me such a hard time on the phone, but finally they gave me two prices- an MRI of the lower extremity was $1125 and a bone scan was $686. Whether those were the proper prices or not is beyond my knowledge, but obviously I want to go with the cheaper one, so I give my doctor's office a call and ask if I would be able to get a prescription for a bone scan. No problem, they say. So today my mother calls me and tells me that she picked up my prescription and reads it to me. Whoever filled out the prescription (somehow I doubt the doctor did) had me down for a DEXA scan. So then I had to call up AGAIN and tell them that no, I do not need a DEXA, I need a three phase bone scan. Again, no problem and they are going to fax it over to the imaging center. Let's hope this time I am down for the proper test and that it actually got faxed over. Otherwise I will lose it.

I scheduled an appointment during work today for the bone scan, but unfortunately I have to wait until NEXT Friday. And not only do I have to wait a whole entire week for the test, then I will have to wait several days, probably almost another week, for the results. I had my x-ray done on a Friday and did not get my results until the following Thursday. I am going to lose my freaking mind in the meantime. I want to scream. At this point, I am about to just go to the ER and if I can get the peace of mind that there is nothing truly wrong, I will pay any price. You know, until the next thing comes along to turn me into a raving maniac like I am right now.

I swear, sometimes I wish someone would just save me the trouble.

I know I have said it before, but it amazes me how much stress does physically to the body. I am in a ton of pain from head to toe and it is making me even crankier. My right leg is so cramped up and it's to the point that I am starting to have trouble distinguishing whether it is my leg or foot hurting. I get sick and anxious every time I have to get up and walk because I am dreading I am going to feel pain when I walk. And the fear of getting up and walking is severely exacerbating That Thing. All I want to do at this point is stay in bed and never get out again. I just want to sleep because, for the most part, it is the only time I have any peace.

I had my favorite doctor in work take a look at the copy of my x-rays today and he said everything looked okay and then he offered to look at my foot. He moved it around some and pressed on it and I felt no pain (my family doctor did the same thing the other day and I felt no pain then either). He said to go ahead and get the bone scan done (I had told him I asked my doctor for one) and then joked that on my way out to make an appointment for him to look at my bone scan, which I take he wants to see them when I get them done. I felt guilty asking him to take a look at my x-rays, but he was more than happy. I figured I'd just promise him a life time of coffee making, since I generally will always offer to make coffee for him when he is in.

I always get such bad anxiety when I go the doctors that I can never describe anything good or I forget to mention things. It's tough to describe what exactly I am feeling. I generally do not have pain when I am walking. Sometimes I might step down and feel pain, generally never in the same area. Sometimes in the metatarsal area, sometimes back further. Sometimes I might feel pain if I jump on it or stand on my tiptoes. Again, not always in the same spot. I do not feel any pain when I press on any areas, except sometimes if I might press a little too roughly. One thing I did notice was both times the doctors felt my foot, it felt tingly when it was pressed. Tingling is another symptom I have noticed a lot of, mostly under the inner ankle bone and and inner part of the foot. Sometimes it's a burning pain. This is generally more noticable when I am sitting down. Sometimes I might just feel a very mild general pain in different areas. A lot of times my foot has the sensation that it is cold. I also find there are times where I feel like my foot has lost sensation (this is one of the highly suspicious of psychosomatic symptoms). I briefly wondered, as well as my WA suggested it, if I might have tarsal tunnel syndrome. But I don't know.

Video Of The Day

I don't know what it is about it, but I love this song:



Every time I hear his name, I think of acidophilus.

The Stupid Of The Day

So last night I was able to get an appointment with my doctor for today and he offered me a few suggestions, one being to get an MRI or a bone scan. Now having have done a short stint in radiology billing, I know MRIs are very expensive. But I never saw the price of a bone scan and I figured they were a lot more money, so stupid me, thinking that it was cheaper, agreed to the MRI. And now I find out MRIs are more expensive. SIGNIFICANTLY more expensive.

Random Thoughts

I often like the fact that all bridges will eventually break when too much stress is placed upon them. Some may be able to handle more than others, some not as much. Anymore I keep questioning how much more stress is my "bridge" going to be able to sustain.

My mother and I got into a fight ONCE AGAIN earlier. I don't even know what the hell started it, yet somehow I am getting the blame for starting the fight. I should be used to getting blamed for everything anyway. I get blamed for everything at home and I get blamed for everyone else's mistakes in work. I just apparently am incapable of doing anything right. But anyway, the fight turned into an all out attack on me once again. I don't know why I cannot get anyone to comprehend that I am not enjoying worrying over my foot by any means. Everyone is acting like I am getting some kind of fucking KICK out of this. I am absolutely NOT. I feel like I am in a fucking nightmare. I desperately want to believe that there is nothing wrong with it. But I just cannot. No matter what I do or anyone else says, I cannot believe that nothing is wrong with it. I am too scared that there is. Until I get a more in-depth test that is reliable and says there is nothing wrong, I am going to continue to stress over it. And I hate every fucking bit of it.

My mom said some pretty nasty things to me and I don't remember what I said that made her actually physically come after me to hit me and I grabbed her hands when she came at me and gripped them real tight. And I don't know if it was the look on my face or how hard I was gripping her hands, but she started screaming at me repeatedly to go ahead and hurt her. And I am a bit ashamed to admit that I was very tempted to knock my mother on her ass.

One time during the argument she started on me not wanting to get help (again, trying to make people understand trust issues is like talking to a brick wall) and I screamed at her that there are just some things (That Thing) that cannot be told to anyone. And she starts flipping out on me, that oh what could be so terrible that I can't tell her or my sister. I just know in my gut that this is something I cannot tell anyone. I have told only three people in my life, one was that kid Sam, and the other two were both people who want the same thing. I was very tempted to find the letter, throw it at her, and scream here, you want to know what it is so bad?!

And another thing is- and I don't know if this is something that is partial to obsessive compulsive disorder or just another one of my wacky traits- I do not want to stress over things, but there are certain things that I feel if I do NOT stress over them, that it is bad luck.

I am so tired and I am so overwhelmed. I really don't know what to do anymore.

In the meantime, I think I am just going to go troll a troll over on TMZ.

Random Thoughts

What a weekend.

My anxiety has not been like this since before I was admitted to the hospital. I have been a WRECK over my stupid foot. And it's not even over the same spot as what I was initially worried about. Initally I was worried I might have had a stress fracture closer to the toe area, in the metatarsal area. Now my mind is completely focused on worrying that I have a stress fracture in the navicular area. I have been and still am sick to my stomach with worry over this. I can't stand it. I want to vomit every time I think about it. I have been crying like crazy because I am so fucking unbelievably stressed over this. I have almost literally yanked out chunks of hair. My fingers look like hell because when I am stressed, I pull at the cuticles. I have to keep poking at areas on my foot or standing on my toes or other things because I get stressed if I don't and the first sign of ANY pain ignites my already high anxiety levels. And then I get stressed over having to do this stuff because then I worry that I will actually injure something by doing this. I want to go back to the doctor but I am also absolutely terrified to go back and them find something.

My mom has repeatedly said since I started freaking out on Saturday that she doesn't understand why I am so upset, but what she does not realize is how the stress of That Thing is tied into this. Like I have said before, stressing over my foot is only making me want That Thing more, which in turn is making me feel even full of shame. I happened to realize yesterday that only once I have ever made a reference to That Thing to my mom, when one day I was upset over it and I was sobbing my head off on my bed and she was sitting with me and I said to her that I don't understand how you can be so terrified of something only to do a complete 180 and wish it would happen to you. Because That Thing was once one of my biggest fears.

And since not one thought that crosses my mind seems to make any sense, I absolutely lose my freaking mind at the first signs of losing any independence. And yet....and yet That Thing would take away some of it. Possibly even quite a bit. Explain that one, Freud.

I went to a cookout yesterday that my aunt (dad's sister) threw and I was looking forward to it about as much as root canal. At almost 1Am this morning, my aunt calls and asks if my mother was still awake. So I put her on and then when she gets off the phone, she tells me my other aunt (other sister) had been taken to the ER. So my parents got dressed and went down to the hospital and I went to bed. I would have went, but I had spent about 45 minutes sobbing over being worried about my foot and I could barely keep my eyes open and all I wanted to do was go to bed and stop thinking for a little bit. And then this morning my mom tells me my aunt had already passed on by the time they got there. In all honesty, am not a fan of my father's side of the family, but I did like my aunt. She was always friendlier than my other paternal aunt.

Oh and I got the wonderful news that my 2nd cousin (my aunt's granddaughter) is pregnant. She has no job, makes no effort to find a job, no money, her boyfriend works a part time job and has about a fraction more ambition than her. So America, say hello to your latest welfare queen.

So yeah, that was pretty much my weekend. I have been looking forward to this three day weekend since Memorial Day weekend ended and it has been completely ruined by my goddamn uncontrollable twisted mind. I feel like I am about to lose my freaking mind.

Video Of The Day

Reminds me of something from the 60's. I love the way Andrew sings it: