Random Thoughts

Ugh I am getting closer to getting this test done. With the way I feel, you would think I was going in to find out if I have cancer or something. But I am scared to death what the results are going to be. For the most part today, I didn't seem to have much trouble. I still felt discomfort mostly when I am sitting or just standing around. I can't describe it, it's just like this prickling burning feeling and I would not say it is really painful, but it's very uncomfortable. And walking around seems to lessen it some. I did some stretching exercises last night and this morning so I don't know if maybe that is why it might feel a little better? It just comes and go and nothing seems to be the cause of setting it off. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and my heel was tingling. Not bad but enough for me to go WTF? And my big toe started twitching when this all started and it's been particularly bad the past few days. Right now it feels like my whole foot keeps wanting to curl. My big toe seems to burn the most. Some of the tingling seems like it is starting to move into the area right above my ankle, but not quite in the calf. And sometimes my foot just feels like some of the strength is going when I am walking. It's bizarre.

I am still almost starting to wonder if this is something nerve related, like tarsal tunnel. My sister says she thinks it could possibly be my back, but I think I would be feeling it in the entire leg as well. I do get cramping in my leg, but that seems to only flare up when I get really anxious, hence probably psychosmatic. And of course, researching brings out the ugliness of what it could be. I have seen MS as a possible cause on several pages, but I would eat my left hand if that is what was causing it. I mean, what would be the chances that I am absolutely terrified of something being wrong with me, and it turns out to be the last thing I was terrified of having?

But I am still absolutely terrified that it could be a stress fracture. I am going to go out of my mind waiting for these results. And then I realized today that I am due for my period, which exacerbates the OCD, which means I am really going to be a basket case. I have no idea how I am going to keep myself from completely losing it. Music is about the only thing keeping my head on right now. Also, as we already know, when I am stressed, I tend to get nasty. So that plus PMS....well, people would just be wise to not even come near me. I'll be tearing heads off.

Yesterday I was feeling particularly depressed and emotional over it and I was discussing it with my WA and I felt like a troll the whole time I was talking with her. Assuming her behavior is genuine and not an act, I am a terrible person. I really am. I thought a lot yesterday about how I treat people in relation to how they treat me and I should be ashamed of myself. I don't know what the fuck my problem is, except that I am a terrible person. My priorities in life are so out of whack it is ridiculous. I never flip out on people when I should and I flip out when I shouldn't.

I would have liked to have flipped out on someone today in work. I got an email from my boss that was from one of her higher ups and it was just fucking ridiculous. And I literally spent five minutes rereading one word in the email. For someone who has such a high authority, the fact that she used the completely wrong word as a spelling for another word just blew my mind. I didn't know whether to laugh or to curl up in the fetal position and weep while rocking back and forth with my thumb in my mouth at the stupidity of it (I ended up laughing).