Random Thoughts

I am not happy by any means that the weekend is over and I am back to work tomorrow, but all I want is to get this test done and over with and get the results. I have no idea how I am going to hold up the next two weeks. I am going to absolutely lose my freaking mind. So if a longer lapse in postings occurs, I probably was forced to voluntarily committed myself.

There are times I start to feel better about it and start to believe that it really is not anything to be concerned about, but then I might feel some discomfort or tingling or prickling and I am right back at the beginning of panicking. And every single time I panic, the rest of my body flares up in pain, especially across my shoulders and lumbar area. It is this very uncomfortable burning tingling feeling. And if it's not something in my foot that sets off the panicking, it's the sudden wonder of if I stop worrying about it, I might jinx everything. That is another issue. I am so beyond tired and exhausted from worrying over it, but I feel like if I don't worry about it, I am going to fuck everything up and there will be something wrong. I can't win either way.

It still amazes me how between the way heart disease runs rampant in my family, my terrible diet, and the amount of stress I place daily on my body that I have not dropped dead of a heart attack yet. But then again, I am still convinced I am going to die of cancer of the digestive system. Where, I still don't know. Probably the esophagus. I wouldn't be surprised if I already have cell changes going on. I am very uncompliant with treating acid reflux. And I really don't know why. It aggravates my mom that I don't treat it, since she has Barrett's now.

I believe very much now that I do definitely have obsessive compulsive disorder, but I always believe that my case tends to fall into the primarily obsession type. I don't really have compulsions, but in cases like this compulsions tend to rear their heads. Back when I believed I had MS, I was constantly consulting my sister's nursing books on neurological exams and despite not having the faintest idea of what I was doing, I would conduct mini ones constantly throughout the day just to relieve some of my anxiety. I would walk heel to toe or stand with my eyes closed or whatever else was listed as a neurological exam and the faintest sign of an abnormality, I would flip my lid. Does this not sound familiar? I am still constantly prodding and poking my foot throughout the day or standing on my tip toes or jumping on one foot and the first sign of ANY pain, I flip my lid. But if I do not do this, I will flip my lid. Go figure.

My sister and I hung out yesterday and we went to dinner at Outback and ran to some stores and when we were in the market, I started to feel some discomfort and she could see on my face that I was starting to get upset over it and as usual she got annoyed and said something like you haven't been worried about this all night you have been fine! Apparently she did not catch my constantly touching and poking my foot the whole time we were out. And it was, in fact, on my mind the entire time we were out. Look, I can kind of understand why people get annoyed over it, but it upsets me very much when people get angry with me over it.