Random Thoughts

I was in the shower earlier listening to "Siberian Breaks" and it got me thinking about how long I've known the song and I realized it's been almost a decade. Just took a look at my iTunes library of when I uploaded Congratulations and it was exactly 9 years ago today I uploaded it. Nine years! WTF! 

Not that I look forward to any work week, but I am especially not looking forward to this week. My manager has been in quarantine the past week and will be again this coming week. Last week, any time I was stuck with just the Gruesome Twosome, it was a fucking nightmare. They did not shut up. And I think two days this coming week will be just them and me. I want to scream every time I think about it. It's bad enough neither of them know how to shut the fuck up, but both of them have two of the most annoying voices I have ever heard in my entire life. Why is it people with the most annoying voices are always the most talkative?

One day one of my coworkers was telling me how she isn't planning on getting the vaccine, and that she never bothers getting any like the flu shot or anything, she takes Emergen-C, she never gets sick, etc. I mean, we won't even point out the fact that the doctor you work with is elderly, has heart problems, and is incredibly high risk....but really? You think taking Emergen-C keeps you from ever getting anything? Okay. Whatever helps you sleep at night. She was going on again about it one day with my FWA, who also unsurprisingly not getting the vaccine. My FWA also said at the same time that she would rather her daughter get the flu than a flu shot. A few minutes later the other coworker decided to share that she never votes. Folks, I can't. I just can't.

The Awesome Of The Day

I did it! I finally did it! I reached 1,000 plays for "Siberian Breaks" with this round of iTunes:

Song Of The Day

 One of my favorite songs from before my time:



A few times that I have had "Siberian Breaks" on, my mom has said that the 5:55 to 8:55 part reminds her somewhat of this song. One day I sat and really listened to it after she said it again and maybe it's just me, but yeah, it does in a way. I can't put my finger on it why that is.

Gobble Gobble Gobble

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Here is something I am super thankful for:

*Pure Bliss*

I am pretty sure I have listened to "Siberian Breaks" at least 1,500 times by now. How is that I still manage to be so amazed by it each and every time I listen to it?

Good God

I don't understand why the impending holiday season is getting to me so bad this year. I don't even remember feeling this bad back when I was laid off from my job AND dealing with the Addison's fear at the same time. I saw my favorite Hershey Kisses Christmas commercial this morning and was about to burst into tears. Everytime I see anything Christmas, I just want to break down into tears. And of course all I keep thinking is it is all because of my hormones and just another sign of perimenopause.

I never thought something could come so close to breaking me as the Addison's fear did.  Well, I think I found its rival, along with That Thing. I honestly feel like any day now it is going to happen, that they're both going to get to me so bad one day that I will just come apart.

I need to go listen to "Siberian Breaks". I don't listen to that song nearly enough.

Random Thoughts

I am done with this fucking insomnia. And now I dread going to bed every night that I am going to have a bad night, which in turn probably causes me to have a bad night. Sunday night I could not fall asleep for anything. I tried Advil, then finally took an Ativan. I listened to "Siberian Breaks" a couple times, which helped me to relax, but I still couldn't fall asleep. I think I finally dozed off sometime around 3. Last night I think I did sleep, but I kept waking up.

I got pissed off in work yesterday when almost an hour went by and my FWA still wasn't back from her lunch break, so I sent my manager an email asking if I could talk to her. What did I get when I said something? "I'll check into it". Oh, I am sure you will. Because you don't approve our time sheets every week. Don't fucking patronize me, you poor excuse for a manager.

I have post nasal drip and I feel like crap. My throat is sore and irritated and my ears feel full and every time I swallow, they pop and crackle. My nose is running like a faucet.

I am tired of worrying about perimenopause and not knowing if I am in it or not. I am dreading my period ending because then my bladder will probably start bothering me again and the whole cycle of worrying about getting my period too early or too late will start again. I am already worrying it's going to stick around longer than it's supposed to.

You know what's sad? Since all of this started, I tell myself every month, if it comes on time, then I am going to try to let go of the fear. And then it comes and I just can't let go of it, because all I can think is, what if next month it doesn't come on time? What if this is the last time I see it and it never comes again? And I just feel like I am jinxing myself if I let it go. 

Man, I am in a bad mood right now.

An Excuse To Post About MGMT

I saw a post on Tartlr a while back asking what was your most and least favorite songs off of MGMT's albums and since I am so damn bored, I decided to do it myself:

Oracular Spectacular
It's actually kind of a tough call with this album, because I like every song on the album but it's tough to say what I like the best and what I like the least, because my feelings are kind of on par with every song. I guess if I had to choose a favorite, it would be "Of Moons, Birds, & Monsters". "Kids" will always hold a special spot, though, since it was the first song I ever liked by them.

Congratulations
Most: "Siberian Breaks"
Least: "Lady Dada's Nightmare"

MGMT
Most: a 3 way tie between "A Good Sadness", "Alien Days", and "Mystery Disease"
Least: "I Love You Too, Death"; I've come across a lot of MGMT fans who just love this song. I have tried and tried, but I just cannot get into it (I think it's the recorders). Also not a fan of "Plenty Of Girls In The Sea".

Random Thoughts

I am shaking so bad inside from all of this shit. I am so bugged with this. And I am sick to my stomach how I am going to pull it off this week, because guess what? I am still going. I am going to have to try and get in and get a doctor's note somehow to get me out of work.

And you know what? Every thing I will tell the doctor will not be a lie, because I really am very close to having a breakdown right now. It's bad enough I have been going through a month of worrying from morning until night that I am going through early menopause, amongst other things. This has definitely shoved me closer to the edge. And my primary doctor already knows my mental health history. Hell, he was the one who put me out of work before, the week before my therapist sent me to that hell hole. I really cannot concentrate in work. I really am having trouble sleeping. I really am overwhelmed by everything. No lies whatsoever.

And if I get one and go to call out and am giving a hard time, I will simply say "I will not be in and when I come back I will give you my doctor's note. If you have a problem with this, then contact my doctor". And do you know why I will say that last part? Because HIPAA, that's why.

And like I said, if I end up getting fired, I honestly don't know what I will do to myself. I worry that I might take it bad enough to attempt suicide. With my state of my mind, it's very possible. And god help (not really) the poor soul who would have to deal with the wrath of my mother if that happened. Well, anyone in my family, but especially my mother.

And speaking of wrath, I am feeling the wrath of my period right now. Good God, I haven't had cramps like this in awhile. And they're mostly in the back, although right now they're centered directly over the uterine area and shooting through to my back. In work earlier, I not only was having nasty cramps across my back, but I also kept getting this stabbing pain in my rectum area that would make me grab onto the arms of my desk chair.

And to add more unneeded stress, I am closely watching my flow to see if it's lightening or getting heavier and I am sick with worry that it will end too early. JFC it never stops. I should be able to temporarily relax once my period comes on, but noo heaven forbid I ever be allowed to relax.

Thank God for "Siberian Breaks". That tends to be my go-to song when I need to relax. It doesn't help much, but it does help a little. You know, one day I saw a couple pictures of people's MGMT tattoos and I thought damn, even I don't think I could bring myself to do that. Then I had to remind myself that one night I made a pact with myself that if I still liked them 10 years from whatever year that was, I would get lyrics from "Siberian Breaks" tattooed somewhere on my body. Everyone keep that mind if this shithole is still in existence in a decade.

And speaking of tattoos, I've been itching for a new one.

I don't know why people in my neighborhood feel the need to set off fireworks after midnight on Friday nights. It sounds like shotguns and scares the hell out of me.

I don't know how I am ever going to sleep for the next several nights.

Random Thoughts

For some reason I keep thinking of high school and how much I hated it and just want to forget about it (go figure; I want to forget it but I keep thinking of it. Okay, mind.). I would like to take all of my yearbooks, any kind of memories of it and just throw it all into a bonfire. I normally like going to my school's semiannual craft show, but I don't even think I am going to go on Saturday, because I want nothing to do with that school. Even though it means giving up one of the amazing cannolis they sell. Oh well. I am sure I will be eating bad that day, anyway.

And ever since I saw the kid I graduated with, I really want to not think about it. Ugh. I just want to scream every time I think of seeing him and I want to throw up from how repulsive it was. Good God I am so horrible. And how do I tell someone how much it is annoying me? I mean, how do you tell someone oh yeah I saw this kid from high school I graduated with who was in a wheelchair and apparently at some point had most of his legs amputated and it grossed me out so much and I was so repulsed that I wanted to throw up when I saw him and now I can't stop thinking about it and I want to throw up every time I think about it because it grosses me out so much? How do you tell that to someone without coming off as an extremely horrible person? I know, it sounds terrible to think that way. I really don't know why it grosses me out so much. I honestly think it has to do with my own obsessive fear of catching some kind of infection that leads to amputations.

Going back to that....awful post about that....awful collaboration, I would like to point out that in my state of rage, I did indeed refer to the Flaming Lips song by the wrong title. It is not "Vaseline", but "She Don't Use Jelly". My bad. This is why I should not type when I am mad.

I am so sick of weekends flying by so quickly. And I haven't even been minding work that much. It's been so nice not having to listen my FWA and her friend whine and bitch about everything and how they are always getting in trouble for everything but everyone else gets away with murder. I keep hoping and praying my FWA decides not to come back. It's also nice not having to get up and turn off the air conditioning when my FWA's friend bitches about it being hot and decides she is going to turn the air on while it's fucking 40 degrees out.

It's been a rainy, shitty weekend. I didn't do much yesterday, except go to the laundry mat (our washer broke) and then went to dinner at Red Robin. My God, I love that place. Those steak fries! And I did get my piece of carrot cake but I was a little disappointed with it. I got it from the same diner I got my first piece from, but it was a little different. For one, it was not nearly as big, which is not a bad thing to be honest, but just pointing it out. And two, I think my last piece was three layers and this one was only two. And some spots were a little stale. But otherwise it was good.

Ever since my last post, I have been thinking of the Musikfest concert. Yes, my life is that sad and boring that I have been reminiscing about a concert I attended almost 2 years ago. I am listening to "Siberian Breaks" right now (right at the 5:55 part "the empty sky surrounds me but I can't see at all.....") and I just want to cry from the awesomeness of it. I have two extremely shitty quality videos on my cellphone from the Electric Factory of that song and one of these days when I can get access to a microdisk slot, I'll upload them. And when I say extremely shitty, I mean extremely shitty. They're fucking awful. But I will still keep them and watch them when I want to.

I swear, the next time I see them, I am going to have a better phone or I will steal my sister's iPhone. I need to have good footage of them to reminisce over, dammit!

And what is the deal with Andrew and this Simon guy? I think Simon is from Kuroma, but I don't know. I know there are 4 people in the band, but the only 3 I know are the ones who play with MGMT as well. And I am too lazy to look it up. But I keep seeing these pictures of the two hanging with each other and sometimes on each other (more Andrew hanging on Simon than anything). Are they in a relationship or something? Oh my god, that would be fantastic (and oh my god, I sound like some delusional Tumblr girl). I don't get any kind of gay vibe from Andrew, but I also would not be surprised if he turned out to be gay. If that makes sense.

And speaking of which, here is a picture of Andrew from the past weekend.


See more on Know Your Meme

DAMMIT WHY WILL SOMEONE NOT MAKE AN ANIMATED SCHLICK GIRL ALREADY?

Song Of The Day

Going old school....man, I loved listening to them in elementary school (yes, elementary):



When I was younger, I listened to a lot of alternative music. In fifth grade, I was obsessed with Green Day and the Offspring (considered alt at the time, not so sure what they'd be considered now) and my claim to fame was constantly wearing that Dookie t-shirt (and yes it was clean every time I wore it, which was at least once a week). I was heart-broken when I had to get rid of that shirt. But I briefly got into them again when American Idiot came out and I found a t-shirt on eBay and bought it. I still have it, too. Anyway, I find that I will go through periods where I get into different genres, but ultimately I always come back to alternative.

Anyway, I am going to go listen to "Siberian Breaks", because I have not listened to it since Monday. My play count for it right now is 654 plays. It's a shame I had to reinstall Windows last fall, because I lost the previous play count total. I posted the Youtube video of it on Facebook in June 2012 and I had mentioned that I had listened to it 206 times. I added it to my iTunes library on 4/18/12, which means I listened to it on average 100 times per month, so do the math by October (over 600 times?).  So surely I've had to have listened to it at least well over 1,000 times by now. Not to mention hearing it live twice (IT COUNTS DAMMIT) and listening to it off of the CD. So basically I have spent over a week's time listening to it. God, my life is sad.

Random Thoughts

Yesterday we had our holiday luncheon in work. I honestly hate those things so much. When I have worked for bigger companies, we weren't obligated to attend it all at once. Here, we are. And thanks to my obsession with my weight, I am always too afraid to eat anything. And everyone jumps down my throat about not eating. It already annoys me that I am so afraid to eat anything for fear of gaining weight, and people pestering me really pisses me off. It's like I already know my eating habits are seriously disordered. Get off my back, folks.

Look, I wouldn't mind the get togethers, if I didn't know that I work with such a bunch of back stabbing bitches. Besides, except for the desserts, there was nothing there for me to eat.

On  Thursday, we received an email asking to help a girl at our sister company with her reports. So I did two. Yesterday, my boss's boss was in and she was sitting behind me and I happened to look over at her computer and she had an email up from my boss, thanking my FWA and one of our at home workers for helping out with the reports. I wanted to explode. I only did two small ones, but fuck, that is two less the worker had to do herself. I am still livid.

Another thing annoying me with the party was my FWA. She is always belching and it always sounds so forced and "OMG look at me I can belch I am so cool". She'll do it at the front desk with a waiting room full of people. And then she'll always go "ooo excuse me!" like tee hee oh I totally did not do that on purpose! Now I belch a lot. And I can let some pretty good ones rip, too. But do you know where I do it? Not in public*. And she was actually doing it yesterday at the party. Even with my boss's boss there. I wanted to punch her. Like stop being so fucking uncouth.

*okay, a few times 

I went to the mall on Thursday and I saw this bumper sticker that said "My baby is a SIDS angel". Does that disturb anyone else or just me?

I am bummed and sad that the concert is over. Especially because I was not looking forward to it beforehand. God knows how long it will be before I can see them again. I want to win the lottery so I can quit working full time and become a full-blown stan. If it were up to me, I'd catch the train to NYC next Friday and go see them at the Barclays Center, although somehow I suspect those fans would probably be worse than Philly. I'm still shaking my damn head at the rudeness of people. Especially that dumb bitch who was in my way during "Alien Days". A normal person would have said something to her. I wish I would have had the guts to, although I would have rather have said nothing and just yanked her by her hair or shoved her off the stool, because I am pretty sure the stupid cow knew she was in my way and just didn't give a fuck.

And some of the girls at the show were ridiculous. Most of them just looked like oh tee hee look at me dressed like a hippie* omg I just love "Kids", "Electric Feel", and "Time to Pretend" I don't even know what else they sing but I'll pretend that I like it tee hee tee hee Andrew is just so cute and one day I will marry him but in the meantime I will just create Tumblr and Twitter accounts with his last name as mine and then I will harass him on Twitter with "I love you" comments. Seriously- go read the comments on their Twitter page sometime. Their "fans" are so fucking annoying. These bitches are more parched than the Atacama Desert.

*I don't know what most of them define as a hippie, but it wasn't what they were wearing

They started off with "Flash Delirium" and once again, Andrew sang the last part kind of mellow. Not as mellow as Musikfest, but he didn't screech like he did in the studio version. And I wanted to giggle so bad during my second favorite part of "Siberian Breaks" (5:55 through 8:20), because this appeared on the screen behind the band:

Also, they posted the set list a couple days later on Facebook. "The Handshake" was on there. ONCE AGAIN they did not play it when they were supposed to. I wanted to roundhouse kick my monitor. Will I ever get to hear that song live? Ugh, I am so ready to see them again!

And another thing- WHY AM I NOT A FAN CLUB MEMBER?? I should totally join!

Random Thoughts

My "interview" the other day went well. I had to take a couple short quizzes, which my former manager told me to not over think them. I ended up doing extremely well on them, as well as the typing test. I also had to do a brief performance of what I would be doing and I am assuming I did well on that as well. My FM told me that she was going to highly recommend me for the job and as far as she is concerned, I have the job. So hopefully something will come of this.

However, maybe I am just uber sensitive this week due to my impending period, but I left feeling really shitty  from how my former coworkers acted towards me. My FWA and I talked for a while and yes, I finally had no choice but to congratulate her on her pregnancy. But everyone else was just.....well, not friendly. I felt and still feel worthless from it. And last night when I was trying to unsuccessfully fall asleep, I thought about how my FM raves about me and my work ethics.....and then I thought about the time she spent over a half hour bad-mouthing me with the racist bitch. And all I could think is, how can I believe anything that comes out of her mouth?

Lately I have been having really bad anxiety about doing anything for fear of something bad happening. I don't want to ask anyone to do anything with me or if someone asks me if I need something while they are out I don't want to ask them to do something for me because I am worried something bad will happen and I will never be able to forgive myself. I have all of these horrible images running through my head constantly. I don't necessarily want to end my life, but I would like to rip my brain out of my head and splatter it all over the walls. Getting real tired of its shit. Too bad a mind can't be reinstalled like computer software.

So while I am blindly enjoying the music, I am seeing mixed reviews about the new MGMT album. Some people absolutely love it and others loathe it. I have read some pretty harsh reviews of it, including a particularly harsh one that not only seemed to have a vendetta for the band, but also called Andrew an asshole (hdu). My only real complaint about the album is I wish the vocals on many of the songs were a little louder. I have a difficult time hearing them. As for the songs:

"Alien Days"- I think 270+ play counts of it since I magically obtained a copy of it two days after Record Store Day speaks volumes of what I think of it

"Cool Song no. 2"- like the song; that video, though....

"Mystery Disease"- like it

"Introspection"- one of my favorites; they pull off covers well

"Your Life is a Lie"- love it

"A Good Sadness"- one of my favorites

"Astro-Mancy"- no opinion yet. I remember reading somewhere that it was inspired after Andrew saw the Northern Lights in Iceland. I can see that, although my favorite thing to listen to when looking at pictures of the Northern Lights (since I have sadly never seen them in person) is "Siberian Breaks".

"I Love You Too, Death"- this was one I thought I would really like, since I have an overt fixation with death, but so far I don't particularly care for it

"Plenty of Girls in the Sea"- not a particular fan of this one, either. That Jimmy Fallon performance, though.....LOL

"An Orphan of Fortune"- will likely become a favorite

Bits and parts of this album remind me a little of Depeche Mode's Playing the Angel.

And so, as you know, they are coming to Philly in December and I am really hoping I can go. What better birthday gift? I said something to my sister about it the night I found out and she didn't say anything about going, although she did send me a message telling me her husband asked if he has to go. Um, no. And I wouldn't really want him there trying to control everything, anyway. I don't know if that meant she would go or what. I said something to my mother about it the next day and she said "I guess I will have to go with you?" and then something about my birthday.

I wish I knew what was going on, though, because I want to try to get tickets ASAP. Although I am incredibly confused about ticket purchasing. The pre-sale started Friday and I don't know if only fan club members can order them or I could order them. But I need to know how many to get and I want to know if I don't get a choice in choosing where to sit. And if I wait until the day the Electric Factory starts, then will I get to choose my seats? That was the nice thing about Musikfest, getting to choose where to sit. They are the only music concert tickets I have ever purchased, so I don't know much on how it works. Argh, I am so goddamn confused!

10:11PM: Um.....I do not believe there are seats at the Electric Factory. That explains why there is no choice of seats on the website. Fuck. I really want to see them again, but whether I can deal with that kind of atmosphere is a horse of another color.

The Awesome Of The Day

Okay, boys, you said it would be 8 to 10 minutes for whatever it is you want to post. It's been 14 minutes since you announced that.

12:24AM: *drums fingers and taps feet*

12:38AM: Twitter / whoisMGMT: Ok! See if this works ...

So......it's basically a leak of the album? Hm, do I want to listen? Or be surprised on September 17th? Unless you have to pay to listen. Then I will wait.

1:38AM: I think you may have to pay to use it, but I signed up. Over an hour ago. And I am still waiting for my confirmation email so I can finish signing up and see if I have to pay. Also, I am reading through the comments at the bottom of the link and.....how embarrassing. People may think I am as bad, but as I have said before, my fangirling is greatly exaggerated, almost to the point of being a parody. I don't truly behave like that. But my God, did I act that obnoxious when I was these girls' ages? I don't remember, but if I did, I am glad social media was not in existence.

I saw a comment on Youtube one day, a girl declaring that one day she will marry Andrew. I wanted to say oh honey don't we all, but....keep dreaming. I hope he isn't one of those pigs like Leonardo DiCraprio (honest typing mistake, but it stays) who kicks women to the curb when they reach a certain age, which generally is fairly significantly younger than he is, although not as bad as Leo. If he is, I will lose all respect for him, hunt him down, and punch him. Also, one day I saw someone on ONTD say his girlfriend looks like him. I studied a picture of them for a few minutes, then recoiled in horror when I realized OMFG she kind of does. I mean, globviously he is not a bad looking person- far from it- and neither is she, but still....it's a little creepy.

2:09AM: Okay, I think it may actually be free. Now I am pissed. Where is my damn email?!

12:34PM: Finally I have a confirmation email! And it is free! Huzzah!

1:58PM: I'm doing it, folks. I'd like to hold out, but I just can't.

2:22PM: What is this visionary during "A Good Sadness"? Are they....are they flying hotdogs?

2:31PM: I think the optimizer froze on me. I can still hear the music, though, so no complaints.

2:46PM: I have a feeling this album really, REALLY is not going to go over well with the fans who want another Oracular Spectacular. And those who want more songs like "Kids".....forget it. This album is so not going to be giving that. Besides, why another "Kids"? If there should be another anything, there needs to be another "Siberian Breaks", dammit.

I know one person who won't be a fan of it- my mother.

I sneaked a peak at the comments on their Facebook page post and.....oh lord. Some hate it, others attack those who hate it, etc, etc. I know I am not good with accepting other people's opinions, but I do realize that people are entitled to their opinion and I am wrong for not accepting it. These people, though....my God, I fear for the future of this country.

BOO!

I called my local record store earlier and according to the kid with the wonderful personality* who answered, they have no more in stock. Argh! I am so annoyed. I could try the other one close to me, but I know they will probably tell me the same thing.

*And by wonderful personality, I mean no personality. Damn, even I have more personality than the people that work there. Then again, what do I expect from the store where every time I go in, I don't even get greeted or asked if I need help or anything? Every damn time.

Man, did I wake up in a bad ass mood today. And this did not help it at all!

ETA 10:30PM: New Music: MGMT "Alien Days"

Ummm.....I am going to have to give this a couple more listens before I formulate an opinion. I don't dislike it, that is a definite, but I don't care for the beginning (it makes me fucking stabby when kids are in songs) and I like the Osheaga live version better. I certainly feel a little less disappointed about not getting it, though. But I still can't wait for the album. Also, I wish people would stop knocking Congratulations, because two words- "Siberian Breaks".

Also, for some reason, it reminds me of "Hurdy Gurdy Man" by Donovan. Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy he sang....

ETA 4/22 1:03AM: I officially love those "Alien Days".

Song Of The Day

I cannot understand why it took me almost a year to finally appreciate this song. All those minutes I have missed listening to it.....*weeps*



Sometimes my love for them overwhelms me so much, I want to cry. The other day I was in the car and one of their songs was playing, "Weekend Wars" I think, and I thought, good God I still can't believe I saw them live, I was actually in the same exact spot as them, and I was flooded with a gazillion different emotions. Mostly happy ones. And if I am listening to "Siberian Breaks", then I am really overwhelmed with feels. Over a thousand plays later, that song still continues to absolutely blow my mind each and every time. I feel like I need to know and analyze every aspect of it, study every single piece of sheet music for each and every single damn vocalization and instrument in the song. I need to know what key it is in, what notes are the lyrics, what the time signature is, etc (note to self: do a minor brush up on music theory before doing so). If I could, I would get inside Andrew's head at the exact moment he wrote this song. I want to feel what he was feeling. Okay, that is a little creepy, but you get the gist. I can't listen to that song loud enough. I am pretty sure a good chunk of the hearing I have lost in the past year is due to that song. Music has a unbelievably huge impact on my emotional well being, but I can't say I have ever felt such an emotional connection to a song like I have with this song. Going back to my question of being in the right spot at the right time, that night several years ago when I heard "Kids" for the first time ever....clearly I was in a damn good spot.

Don't judge me and my hormonal-ness.

The Awesome Of The Day

I just discovered the iTunes visualizer while listening to "Siberian Breaks". I am about to cry at how awesome it is. It's like a psychedelic trip without the drugs.

Also, happy Thanksgiving to everyone. I am jealous of everyone eating Thanksgiving dinner today. Especially pie. I never did save my pie. I ended up eating it on Sunday night.

Random Thoughts

Alright, I don't know what is going on with my body. I don't particularly want to discuss this, but this inter-cycle bleeding is starting to really worry me. Every month, probably for the past three or four months, right around ovulation time, I start bleeding. Not heavy, but not particularly light. I don't know what possible hormone could be out of whack, or what could be going on. My face has been breaking out nonstop. I want to cry. I need to go to the doctor, but thanks to my stupid mouth, I need to keep putting money out to get unnecessary cavities filled.

And do you know what this is bringing back? The fear of Addison's disease. I swear to God, I am never going to get rid of that fear.

I just viewed more pictures of the destruction left by Sandy and I cannot believe what Seaside looks like now. Much of the boardwalk is gone. This extended pier that came out over the water that I adored going out on is gone. Where I once looked down and saw a fever of stingrays (yes, I googled that) swim by. All of the Jersey shores are in such bad shape. My heart is broken. I always talk about how much I dislike Jersey, but the shore points are one of the main reasons I would never leave. And while I have spent many years thinking how I would love to move down the shore someday, after Irene and Sandy, I am reconsidering that.

I haven't seen many pictures of my true shore love, Wildwood, but I think the boardwalk is okay down there. Areas are pretty flooded, though.

And that fire in Breezy Point. Mother of God. That area looks post-apocalyptic. That was one of the most haunting set of pictures I have ever saw. And this may sound really stupid, as I don't know the whole situation, but how did so much burn when there was so much damn rain?

I see some of the pictures of rescuers and I think how I'd like to do that, but then I see the pictures of the devastated people and I change my mind. I would never be strong enough to do so. If someone broke down crying in front of me, I'd break down and cry with them. I'd be that person on the news holding the other person while sitting on the ground wailing our heads off.

I was looking at the pictures when "Siberian Breaks" came on and considering many of the pictures are of the ocean, it made it kind of eerie.

Random Thoughts

I went to the market the other day and while I was sitting in my car getting ready to leave, I looked across the parking lot and these was this incredibly old lady with an even more ancient lady in a wheelchair. The first thing that popped into my head was that episode of Spongebob Squarepants when Bob and Patrick are selling chocolate bars and they meet those two old ladies.

Man, I still cannot get off of this adrenaline high from Sunday. My mind is still reeling from how much I enjoyed it, because I really and truly cannot remember the last time I enjoyed something as much as I did that day. And now that I got a taste of MGMT live, I really want to go to that show at the NYU Skirball Center. I feel like Stan in that episode of American Dad when he goes to a My Morning Jacket concert and becomes completely obsessed with following them. But I think this show sounds really cool. I came to the conclusion on vacation that MGMT should really consider doing a laser light show, but this kind of light show would probably be just as awesome.

I know that feeling, bro.

I drug my mom out with me on Tuesday and she actually spent a good amount of time talking about the concert in the car. I was even more surprised. And she said she thinks some of their songs are pretty and that "Siberian Breaks" is "kinda pretty". I was speechless.

There is an article over on ONTD about the upcoming show and the picture of Andrew, he reminds me of Robert Pattinson. It's driving me nuts how much he resembles him. I've seen other pictures where I thought they resembled each other. A few he reminded me of John Krasinki. I still never see the Jake Gyllenhaal resemblence, though.

I am supposed to be going down the shore for a few days next week and I want to go, but at the same time I don't want to. I am feeling really alone, but I am also just not in the mood to be around people. And I am worried about gaining weight. It's ridiculous. After I lost my job, my weight kind of went on the backburner. I suppose the Addison's fear had something to do with that. I wouldn't say it is completely gone, but my obsession over having Addison's has decreased significantly. I still will check my skin every so often, and I still get worried when I feel lightheaded upon standing, but it is nothing like it was before. I have to go through hell during, but these disease obsessions eventually run their course. But with it decreased, my weight is taking its place.

I know I have emotional issues, but the way I have been feeling for the past year or so is ridiculous. I have always had a temper, but I never used to punch walls when I was angry. And I am so fucking irritable and I don't even know why. Sometimes something causes it, other times it just comes out of nowhere. I'll be fine and then I'll start feeling agitated and then I get really nasty.

I am going to be an aunt. That is the news I was referring to in this post. And my sister has been one nasty bitch. And her irritableness has been exacerbating my irritableness, so I have been exceptionally irritable towards her, which she probably thinks with the way I feel about kids that it has something to do with her being pregnant. It doesn't. She's just being a massive bitch, and since I have also been super irritable lately, I am not in the mood for her bullshit.

And maybe I am being paranoid, but I swear she has been avoiding me due to my being extra cunty lately. Which people avoiding me is only making me even more irritable (is there anything not doing so nowadays?). But I guess it's a good thing she is avoiding me, because god knows what I might say to her. Like how I am getting a little sick and tired of her husband's snide comments when company is over and really sick and tired of the looks he gives my mother.

I almost want to say I wish someone would just understand why I feel so miserable, but it's not going to happen. If I could could put someone in my shoes for a day, I think they may just be a little more understanding. Of course, everyone excuses her moodiness. My moodiness is always unacceptable. Wishing you were dead everyday is not an acceptable excuse for being moody, since according to society it can always be fixed with a fucking pill.

But despite wanting to be dead, a small part of me still wants to stick around. Because there is still so much I would like to do. I have a huge list of places I would love to visit. I'd like to have a career I am proud of. Plenty of people I would like to meet. And most of all I would like someone to do all of this with. Someone who will be more than happy to remain childfree and who will want to do this stuff. I come across so many things I would love to do, but have no one to do with them. I heard a commercial earlier for the Pennsylvania Dutch Festival and I thought, you know what, that actually sounds like fun. And I wouldn't mind having someone to go festing with next year at Musikfest. And I couldn't imagine not ever hearing music again, because who knows what happens to you when you die, and whether you can still listen to music.

Maybe I need to do like in I Love You Man and put an ad out for a friend.

Random Thoughts

In the grand tradition of stupid things irritating me, I hate those "Jersey Girls Don't Pump Gas" stickers. Uh, no one in Jersey pumps gas. And the women who have them on their cars are just so typical, which is basically anything that lives in Jersey and looks like this.

Ugh. That first one in the Love Pink shirt. I can't even.

And since something in the universe is on a never-ending quest to prevent me from going to this concert, I went on the ticket webpage earlier and all I keep getting is this message:

We are currently experiencing technical difficulties with the ticketing site. Please try back in a few minutes. Message L303

I even tried other ticket purchases and every ticket I click on gets this message. What the hell? I need to order these. And it worked fine all day!

Also, why do all of the goddamn storms from the incoming cold front have to come on Sunday? I am getting myself so unnecessarily worked up over this. I feel like tearing my hair out. I have myself all worked up over the potential bad weather, whether all of these obstacles I keep running into are a sign I should not go, whether a bad storm will come in the midst of being up there, if all of these people being struck by lightening are another bad sign, and now this damn problem with the website. And all of this will probably keep me up all night. ARGH!

I have myself so fucking psyched for this concert it's unbelievable. I cannot recall the last time I actually felt this excited about something, so needless to say, all of this shit is really annoying me. I don't want the concert to have to end early, but if it has to, I really hope that I at least have heard "Siberian Breaks". I don't even care if it's the only song I get to hear. Of course I would love to also hear "The Handshake" and "I Found A Whistle" live, but "Siberian Breaks" is Song God. I have to hear that song live. I will stand in the rain if I have to to hear that song live. And that way, if it is so amazing live it brings me to tears no one will know! Tears? Nah! It's the rain!