Song Of The Day

I need to go to bed in roughly ten minutes, but here you go:

Random Thoughts

So....I have survived one month of being back in the workforce. Cool, I guess? I honestly handled it a lot better than I thought I would. It's actually somewhat nice to have a routine every day. A routine you get paid for. I still have no confidence in my work, though. My manager told me the other she thinks I am ready to go off on my own with small reports. I beg to differ, but whatever, because let's face it- if the decision is left up to me, I will never be ready to go off on my own. 

We had a meeting the other day. By the time it rolled around, I was already pretty annoyed because I had quite a bit of work I wanted to get done and I did not feel like stopping. Apparently HR has gotten a bit pissy about some of the things going on in the office. Things that have been going on since I originally worked there. Why they are just bitching now is beyond me. Well anyway, my coworkers were throwing sissy fits over the changes. Basically, my manager used to run the place that as long as you met your eight hours, rules could be bent. For instance, if I came in 20 minutes later- which I never did, because I am an anal retentive bitch- I would just have to make up the 20 minutes at the end of the day. Or if I wanted to take an hour lunch, I would just stay an extra half hour. But HR says no more to any of that. Look, I know my coworkers were accustomed to the way things used to be, but with the way they were acting in the meeting, you would think we were in a concentration camp. There is nothing strange about what HR is enforcing. It all sounded like normal corporate protocol to me.

I don't believe I ever told this story, but back when I first started in September, one day my manager pulls my FWA into her office. A few minutes later, all of this screaming erupts. And then my FWA comes out pissed off as hell and still yelling. I couldn't believe her behavior. In any other workplace, her white trash ass would have been fired on the spot. Well, she finally got written up for it this week. Apparently our manager was giving her time to apologize, but she never did, so she wrote her up. Why it took so long, I don't know. And she was pissed off. Her theory is our manager yells at them all of the time and never apologizes, so why should she? And why should she get written up? Uh, because you do not talk to your supervisor like that?

I think my FWA believes that being pregnant is an excuse for her to be a raging bitch. I think a lot of pregnant women do. Sure, I understand hormones and all that, but I also believe a lot of women just expect to be bitchy because they are pregnant, so they are. Kind of like a placebo effect. Pregnant women are fucking ridiculous. Every time I see one of those stupid posts on Facebook that say things like "my body is amazing because at one point it had two heads, two beating hearts, blah blah blah blah I AM A MOM", I could scream. Big fucking deal. Why do people think they are so goddamn special because they are fulfilling biological duties? Ugh. You and how many other species? Man, if animals could talk, would they be this obnoxious about their pregnancies? Would they be on Facebook posting pictures that say my body is amazing because at one point it had 11 heads, 44 feet, 11 beating hearts, 22 ears, etc? Man, that would be something.

And speaking of kids, I went to Boo at the Zoo in Philly earlier. Overall it was not a bad day, aside from being too damn cold. And most of the kids in costumes were adorable. Their behavior, not so much. It's things like that that make me want to call and schedule a hysterectomy ASAP. Which, to be honest, isn't really fair, because the fault lies more among their lousy inattentive asshole parents, who were probably just as bad, if not worse, than their children.

I also saw the Electric Factory on the way home! I was surprised to see that it was a lot nicer looking than I pictured it. Then again, I only saw it as we were getting onto the Ben Franklin Bridge. At least I think it was the Ben Franklin Bridge. The only bridge I know is the Tacony, because it is the only one I have ever driven on! Anyway, what the EF is like inside, I don't know. It looks kind of shady in pictures. I wonder if they would hang out in Philly before the concert. I'm pretty sure they were at the Mutter Museum at one point, and I assume it was probably back when they played at the Mann Center in 2010. Inquiring minds need to know this information. If that is the case, then I would want to take the entire day off from work so I can head into town and stal- er, fulfill my stanning duties. Also, if you want any idea of what I would be like as a mother, I would totally dress my kid up like this for Halloween, regardless of age or gender. Could you imagine? "Who is your kid supposed to be?". "Andrew VanWyngarden". "Who is that?". "How dare you. Never speak to me again".

Quote Of The Day

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The Hell?

Last night, I had just started to fall asleep when something jolted me awake. I don't know what it was, but whatever it was, I woke up and was nearly suffocated with anxiety. I climbed out of bed and walked around the house and I was shaking so bad and felt like I was going to pass out and I don't know why. I don't know what in the hell had me so scared. And I have been like that all day, scared and filled with anxiety over I don't even know what. And after lunch, I started having all of these awful images running through my head and I just wanted to lay down and cry. And some of the thoughts were so bad and disturbing, I wanted to run out of the building, hop into my car, and floor it into a wall, or reach in and physically rip my brain out.

And I feel like I am never going to get the hang of this job. My manager tells me constantly it is something that takes a while to learn, but give it a little bit of time and she'll be jumping down my throat, wondering why I am not "getting it" yesterday. I dread going into work every day and opening my email that there is going to be a scathing email, or that I am going to get into trouble by my manager for something she told me to do. And I am beyond terrified that one day I am going to commit a mistake of epic proportions and get fired.

Song Of The Day

My stanning is in full-blast again. The sad thing is, I don't even know when I am being serious and when I am exaggerating anymore.



Every time I hear this song, this is all I see in my head:

Random Thoughts

I mentioned a few posts ago that it was the 5th birthday of this "blog", and almost 2 years since I was initially laid off from my job. It was also recently the anniversary of one of the worst hypochondriac fears I have ever encountered. It was October 3.  No fear ever shook me like Addison's disease. And I am ashamed to admit it, but the thing that probably shook me up the most was the fact that if I had it, I would have to go on steroids and I would probably get fat. I think I can finally say I do not have it, but I do still have moments. For instance, on Thursday night, I started feeling really off balance and shaky, and right away I was in taking my blood pressure. It was 103/61. Still not considered low, but it was getting there, especially on the bottom. And I felt the same way Friday, and I had two episodes of feeling light-headed when I stood up. I am still not feeling too hot. I have so much pressure in my ears. In fact, I feel similar to how I did before I lost my job. It wouldn't surprise me. I do believe there is probably mold and shit in that place. I think I won't be as bad as I was with believing I have it, but I don't think I will ever completely stop. I think there will still be moments where I get scared I have it. Not to mention I feel if I let go of the fear completely, I will jinx myself. It's a really fucked up mentality.

I think the reason I am feeling so lousy is a combination of allergies and I just got my period. I think that is why I felt so lousy the past couple days. I hate how I feel before it comes. I am so exhausted I can't even stand it. And nauseous as anything. I feel like throwing up. And once again, another week has gone by and I am still 124 pounds on the scale. I would say well, maybe I did just gain weight, but with as bloated as I am, I really think it has something to do with that. And my whole lower left side is hard and slightly more bloated than the right. What on earth is going on in there? And I still keep putting off having this ultrasound done. I could just wait until I get medical in December, but I am tired of putting it off. If they find a cyst or something, though, the temptation to be a smartass and post it to Facebook is going to be too great.

In work, when we are allowed to listen to the radio, we listen to B101. That station is just the worst. And I think they must have a Katy Perry quota to meet every day. I heard five songs by her before noon. Five! It was torturous. They might play a good song here and there, but the majority of the songs are just awful. And Friday was the first time I actually heard that "Blurred Lines" in full. Of course a song like that would be incredibly popular. Horrible. Just horrible.

Most radio stations are awful, but when I do listen to the radio I generally stick with 98.1 (the not so oldies station) or Radio104.5. They play their fair share of shit ("Freshmen" by the Verve, Third Eye Blind and the rest of the frat boy bands, Panic At the Disco, all Fall Out Boy songs except "My Songs"), but they are the only station who plays MGMT. And sure, it's only "Kids" and "Time To Pretend", and for a while there, they played "YLIAL" on the new music show, but I like those songs, so I will always gleefully listen to them when they come on.

You know, somehow I manage to keep forgetting I am going to see them in December. I am slightly dreading it, to be honest. I am extremely stoked about seeing them, but I am really worried about the whole crowd situation. I hope it ends up being good, though. I really wish they would start playing a little more off of the new album. I love "YLIAL", but I am already getting a little tired of it being the one song they always perform. Come on. Play some "A Good Sadness" and "An Orphan of Fortune". And retire some of their old repertoire already (but do not, and I repeat DO NOT, ever retire "Siberian Breaks", "I Found A Whistle", and "Of Moon, Birds, and Monsters". Especially "I Found A Whistle". That song is so fucking flawless live, I can't stand it.). And bring back some of the old songs. I want to hear "Future Reflections" live, dammit!

I am on this and over reading a post on a certain gossip site about Rashida Jones supposedly "slut shaming". Ugh I won't even get into it again about that term, but damn, I have never seen a group of people get so up in arms about shit as the members over on that site. It's fucking ridiculous. And for some reason, it just reminded me of one time on a really old MGMT post someone called Andrew's ex a "Swedish whore". I am sure they were joking, but....okay. For a site that gets itself so up in arms at the slightest sign of "slut shaming", I am surprised no one dragged the shit out of the member. And uh, again, she isn't even Swedish. Still not quite sure why a whole bunch of people who call themselves big fans wouldn't know that she is Irish.

I also just thought about that Electronic Beats article where Andrew mentioned breaking up with his girlfriend right before a show back in 2010, and I imagine it was her. I don't know, something about that story doesn't sit right with me, especially the whole it was awful and dramatic part. Oh, and the whole take your girlfriend to a foreign country, go to dinner with her the night before, then break up with her the next day part. And right before he was about to go on stage and perform? Really, Andrew? Did your girl become obsolete and you needed to upgrade to a newer model? I hope he had a good fucking excuse to break up with someone like that, because if not, then that is just cruel. Or did he do something bad? I always hear about musicians being cheaters, and unfortunately, no matter how much I think the sun shines out of DAT FOOOOINE BONY ASS, he still is a young white American male with fame and money, so I probably shouldn't be too surprised. But I would hope it's not true. Or that he did something just as bad as cheating. If I ever find out he is an ass to his women, I will be really disappointed, because he seems like he was raised with a good head on his shoulders and to be respectful.

I think it's kind of a pathetic way for someone my age to think, especially about people I never met, but I do genuinely like this group and care about them. They seem like smart, likable, nice boys, albeit a bit awkward, which, if you ask me, makes them all the more endearing. And talented as hell. Even if you don't like their music, you cannot tell me they are not talented.

I finally got Popeye's tonight. And wouldn't you know my taste buds are off due to the monthly bitch? I also finally got a pumpkin pie Blizzard. Huzzah!*

*and I wonder why my digestive system is so bad. JFC.

Random Thoughts

Damn, this job is making it hard to post more. I could probably post tons of shit, mainly lengthy rants about work and my coworkers, but I am pretty exhausted when I come home. I type reports pretty much most of the day. Why would I want to type more when I come home? Plus, why would I want to think about work? Coming home and forgetting your work woes isn't easy for someone like me, but I do try really hard. I am not always successful, though.

I guess I am doing okay with my position. My manager says I am, but I am reluctant to believe anything she says. She says I am a good writer, which obviously will not be evidenced on here. I do try to stay grammatically correct on here, but I am a little more laid back and relaxed about making mistakes. And I do make them. I have seen plenty of spelling and grammar mistakes in posts. I see posts where I have skipped words. But when I put my mind to it (which now takes a lot more brain power than it used to), yeah, I can be a fairly decent writer, I suppose.

As for my coworkers.....meh. I try to just go in and leave without much interaction. If anyone thinks I whine a lot (which I do), you haven't seen anything until you've met my coworkers.

I have been annoyed the past two days because I have been moved off of doing my old job and into strictly doing what I was hired to do (don't try to make sense of that). My FWA and another girl have been doing it. And not to sound so damn conceited, but no one can do my old job like me. These girls aren't consistent with naming things. I always gave everything the same title. I also had the habit of scanning things in the same exact order. When I got charts after exams, I always scanned the forms in the same order- photo ID, doctor notes, registration form, lower body exam form, and upper body exam form. If I had to stray off of that pattern, I felt discombobulated. When I see things not in my order in our computer system, I could chew nails.

My God, could you imagine working for me? I'd be a fucking nightmare. Not that I would ever be in a position of management anyway. I'd last all of one hour before I'd be running out the door in tears. I don't handle stress well, in case it wasn't obvious.

On Friday, I came home from work and the internet wasn't working. So my father calls the cable company and while he is on the phone, he is looking at the modem and tells the guy on the phone a light is blinking. I tell him not once, not twice, but three times that the light always blinks, and that it starts blinking as soon as my computer is turned on, e.g. it's supposed to blink. Later on, he has to call back and he tells the guy (another worker) the light is blinking. I get pissed because I already told him three times. He says he just wanted to get another opinion. I got even more pissed, and then he gets pissed off at me. Well, I told you something THREE GODDAMN TIMES. Why was that not good enough? Why could he just not believe what I said? I have been watching that goddamn light blink every damn day I turn my computer on for the last 6 damn years.

I don't understand why any time it comes to computer related stuff, my father tries to act like I have no idea what I am talking about. I know more about computers than he could ever dream of knowing. Back when my beloved Number 2 died, he got pissed off and tried to blame me for it. No. It was a simple hard drive failure, an inevitable fate for computers.

And speaking of annoyance, I am beyond fed up with my digestive system. I don't remember how long it took to straighten out the last time I went back to work, but this is ridiculous. I know it seems like such a minute thing, but some days I feel so horrible from it, I seriously just want to blow my brains out. I don't even want to eat because I feel guilty about everything I put into my body. I think of all of the nasty shit and chemicals in food and cringe.

And speaking of food with nasty shit and chemicals....I need a pumpkin pie Blizzard ASAP.

WANT

Circo® Matryoshka Flannel Sheet Set - Pink

I just realized yesterday was this boring ass blog's 5th birthday. Holy shit. And tomorrow is 2 years since I was laid off. Who would have thought I would have ended up back there? I was really starting to think I was never going to find a job again. I never would have imagined I would end up back at my old workplace.

Tweet Of The Day

Watched a sex scene in a theatre that was like 15 min long but felt like an hour,it was so awkward&quiet and I've never had to laugh so much
— Nanna (@nannabh89) October 7, 2013

The Moronic Comment Of The Day

The comment by Gabrielle Reiffel Wise:

EDY'S® Ice Cream - Slow Churned

You buy ice cream that has peanut butter cups and peanut butter swirls and you need a peanut allergy warning? Really? JFC. And I won't even touch the comment in response.

And because it is Who Cares About Women's Lives Just Care About Their Boobs Awareness Month, I noticed a lot of the time when someone makes a negative comment about it, one of the big arguments is always something along the lines of "well, have you ever watched someone die of breast cancer, it's horrible". Like dying of other cancers isn't awful?

Requisite MGMT Post/Song Of The Day

It's been nearly 2 weeks since I last discussed them. Dammit, this job is drastically interfering with my stanning! Unacceptable!

I was reading reviews of their performances on the Ticketmaster webpage and damn, some people were harsh. A big complaint I saw, and a lot of times on other sites, is they don't interact with the audience much. I thought Andrew talked A LOT at Musikfest. James talked a few times, but no one else did. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if they don't interact a lot, but I don't think they do it to be assholes. Or maybe they are, who knows? But I always took them, especially Andrew, to just be really, really awkward. Well, maybe not James. He seems like kind of a loudmouth.

Not that it would ever happen, but if I ever got the chance to meet Andrew, I would probably just gape at the poor guy, then I would throw my sweatshirt over my face (I am always so cold that no matter what the season, chances are I have a zip-up hoodie on) and bolt like a bat out of hell. Or I would behave like Mr. Krabs when he meets Mrs. Puff.

Also, did that Hank dude officially rejoin the band or what? I know he was filling in on guitar when Andrew couldn't play, but the King is back on guitar and Hank is still playing with them. He is in the promo picture on the Electric Factory page (please tell me I am not the only one who looked at that picture and had to think for a moment which one was Will and which one was Andrew; why do they look so much alike anymore?). He doesn't fit in. He doesn't have curly hair.

And now for the Song of the Day...."And if I don't feel right...."



I downloaded the optimizer and was watching "A Good Sadness" and those definitely look like flying hot dogs. Also, I am pretty sure there may be some flying bacon as well:

Article Of The Day

4 Things No One Tells You About Having OCD

Perfect article is perfect. Each and every section hit the nail on the head. And that picture of Katy Perry at the end makes me want to round-house kick someone in the head.

Also, someone asked in the comments what did hypochondriacs do before WebMD. Easy- medical books and encyclopedias. It was a little different, because you did not enter in symptoms and get a list of possible diagnoses, but I spent a lot of time with my nose in medical books and looking up diseases and the like in encyclopedias. I was always diagnosing myself with shit. Or scaring myself that I was going to get something. I don't remember specifically what diseases, although I do recall being terrified of developing polio when I was younger (never mind that I had the polio vaccine). I remember reading about children contracting it from swimming pools. I did not want to go near swimming pools after that. Fucking polio, man. To this day, that disease still scares the shit out of me. And I still continue to be afraid of it because of those goddamn anti-vaccers out there. I swear, if a vaccine-resistant strain of polio pops up, I am officially becoming a hermit.

I also remember when I was younger, maybe about 7 years of age, someone telling me that when you are going to die, the lifeline on your hand gets shorter. I studied my hand every single day, several times a day, watching for signs of it shortening. If I saw any indication of it being shorter, I would get very upset. I never actually realized that my obsessive thinking started that young.

YURGER HINGER DINGER

It's Leif Erikson day! HINGA DINGA DURGEN!

I'm Gonna Need A Bigger Handbasket

On Video: Blind man beaten in Germantown, suspect sought

Seymour Street....oh my god, I can't. I am a terrible person. Not as terrible as the suspect, though. Or the people who stood around and done nothing. Look, I can understand being afraid that you may risk your life trying to help, but for the love of God, even if you don't directly help, at least call the cops or something! I'm surprised someone wasn't standing around filming the beating with their Smartphone. That seems to be such a big thing nowadays. Ooo, look someone is getting beat half to death, better whip out my phone and record it so I can post it on Youtube lulz.

Random Thoughts

I was just over on the Song Meanings website and "Royals" by Lorde was the number one song on the top lyrics list. I don't get the big deal with that song. I hear it almost every day I am in work (whenever I get to scan, I put my favorite radio station on; otherwise, I am subjected to the dreadful B-101) and I think it's really fucking annoying.

And speaking of really fucking annoying....this bloating. I feel like I can barely breathe. I would love to have an x-ray, CT scan, whatever done on my lower abdomen right now just to see how bad it looks on the inside. It's probably pretty obvious by now, but I do fully admit that I have a pathological obsession with my digestive system. If it does not work right, I want to go ballistic. I am convinced that doing things a certain way is what makes it work (for the most part, it does not always work) and if I do not get to do those things, I want to go ballistic.

Being back in work is disrupting that routine. I even tried to go back to the way I used to do things back when I worked (minus the same lunch every day) and it's still not helping. I feel like I am about to lose my goddamn mind over it. I am starting to believe I'd rather be unemployed and have my digestive system work than to be employed and have it not work.

And this extreme bloating could not have come at a worst time, when I am having really poor self-image issues. I was reading an article earlier about the obsession with thigh gaps. I can't say it is something I have ever strived for, but no matter what I weight, I always want thinner thighs. Thigh gaps are apparently big on thinspiration sites. I don't get those. Right now, all I keep thinking is, I want to be thinner. I feel so fat and disgusting right now I want to crawl under my bed and never come out. I don't even want to show myself in public. And I could not imagine ever encouraging someone else to feel the same way, to feel that no matter what they weigh, they could always be thinner. It's fucking sick to feel that way. I know even middle-aged people can have eating disorders, but I am much too old for this shit. Is there ever going to be a point in my life where I am going to finally be happy with myself? I feel like there never will be.

I also feel like there is never going to be a time where I have any confidence in what I do. I don't know what I am going to do when the day comes where my manager stops checking my work and leaves me to do it on my own. Then I will be sick with worry going into work every day that I am going to get in trouble for doing something wrong. And I know it will happen. Because nothing is ever good enough or done properly for anyone in that place.

And while my manager praises my work, frankly, I don't particularly trust her opinion. There have been several times where she is checking my work and tells me I need to include something and starts typing. And I have to interrupt her and point out that I already did put it in. Or I have to correct her on the patient's sex when she is typing something in. Or I have to correct her grammar. How I am supposed to trust her opinion? And if I have a question on something, I can go to three different people- my manager, my FWA, and someone who has been working there for well over a decade. And I will get a different answer from each and every one, although I can say right now that I will generally always trust the decade plus worker over the other two.

I also found out from my FWA that she is friends on Facebook with the racist bitch we used to work with. I don't understand why everyone is friends with her. Everyone hated her. Especially my FWA. Now all of a sudden everyone is cool with her? Ugh, I hate people. I really do.

Quote Of The Day

One of my favorite parts from The Beast With A Billion Backs:

Bender: (laughs) I feel great, and I owe it all to Calculon. [He removes his wheels and hangs them on the coat rack.] His visit really inspired me. [He walks over to the Conference Table.] I finally know what I want to be when I grow up.
Hermes: You want to co-star in his TV show? Like that time you already did that?

Bender: No. I'm gonna be a stalker!

Leela: That's not really a career. More of a felony.

Bender: Man, I'm gonna stalk his brains out.

Random Thoughts

I am going to lose it if my digestive system doesn't chill the fuck out soon. This is getting ridiculous. Oh, and Tuesday- 10 days from the first day of my last period- I had bleeding and have been spotting since then. So now this is starting again. I give up. I really do. And I am really starting to suspect my digestive system issues are related to my women troubles. I am trying to decide whether to just put out the money to have the ultrasound done or wait until my medical kicks in. I really am tired of putting it off. Although the good news is if the ultrasound is negative, I can at least have the option to have a laparoscopy if I need to.

My FWA and I were talking today and she was complaining about not getting her WIC benefits due to the government acting like giant sissies and shutting down. I'm sorry, I don't understand how she qualifies for WIC. She has to be making at least close to, if not more than, $15 an hour. Her boyfriend works. I don't understand people's priorities. It is one thing if you have kids and/or your eggo is preggo and you end up losing your job or something and have to go on WIC, welfare, etc. But it's a different story when you're poor as fuck and can't support a child without public assistant, and you go ahead and get pregnant anyway because you're just so goddamn desperate to have a baby. Why not? Why not have everyone else pay for your brat because you just don't give a fuck, you want a baby so bad? It just blows my mind.

She also told me that they decided to try for a baby because they both want one and don't want to keep putting it off....and also because birth control was getting too expensive. I can't.

The WTF Of The Day

Xiao Feng, 2-Year-Old, Gives 'Birth' To Own Twin In China: Report
Giant Asian Hornets Are Killing People In China, Breeding In Larger Numbers: Reports

Those wasps....OH GOD WHY