Friday, December 30, 2011
Random Thoughts
Doing good so far. The past two days I have had to, with much difficulty, restrain from taking my blood pressure so much. Normal was around five times a day, much more on a particularly bad day. Wednesday I took it three times. Thursday, I managed to cut down to two times. If I can get down to once a day, it would be great. It may be a long time before that happens though.
I have also not been spending as much time in front of the mirror. I still have to look whenever I go by one, though, and whenever I am watching TV, or just standing around, I start to find myself pulling my sleeves or pant legs up and looking over areas. Also another compulsion that I hope to diminish, but will probably not go away for a while.
While I would not want to resort to it, I have seriously considered applying for disability. Not as something for the rest of my life like some people, but just until I can get this goddamn disorder under control. When I sit and think how much fixing I need, it seems like it would be something that would pretty much be a full time job. My mind needs a lot of fixing and until it gets fixed somewhat, there is not much I can really go forward with.
I can't finish school because the need to be absolutely perfect gets so overwhelming I end up getting stressed out and ultimately burned out. It should not be the end of the world to get less than 100% on my work. But to me it is. I have gotten 98% on exams and spent hours belittling and beating myself up over it. When I take tests or do homework, I have to check over my answers repeatedly to make sure I didn't fill in or circle the wrong answer and even after 5 or more times of going over them, I still feel less than confident when I am handing them in.
Relationships? Completely out of the question right now. My self-esteem and self-worth are so low, that being in a relationship with me would be a complete and utter nightmare. All I would do is question why the person is with me and that I am not good enough for him and it would just be one big tumultuous mountain of insecurity. And the fact that I just turned 28 years old and have yet to ever have a relationship, first kiss, or sex just makes my insecurity even worse. I dread my first relationship because having to admit that all is going to be extremely embarrassing. I hope to God I find someone who will be understanding enough of it.
But back to the disability, it's certainly not something I would do, but it would leave me to be able to focus completely on getting myself back together. And I would certainly not be on it forever. The only problem is that it takes so fucking long to get an answer!
And you know what the funny part is? SSD takes their good old time approving or denying applicants, but when they demand medical records, they want them yesterday. I did records requests at my old job and used to get requests from the state and hand to God, within a week of the first request letter, a second request letter would come demanding to know where the records are. They take like 400 years to respond to applicants! What's the big rush?!
I don't understand government workers. Why in the hell does it take them so goddamn long to do anything? The last time I went to the 7th level of hell known as the DMV, it took so long for the fat ass bitch to take my picture and give me my new license, I was about to climb over the counter and do the damn job myself. It would have taken me 1/3 of the time.
On to a new subject- New Years Eve is coming up. Huzzah. I am not excited by any means. I dread when that fucking ball drops, because I just know I am going to end up in tears like pretty much every other New Years, with the exception of last year when I was apparently going through some kind of manic phase. I don't even bother with resolutions anymore. Well, last year I made one to floss my teeth more. But none of the exercise more or lose weight or anything like that. I faithfully work out 5 days a week and I have already lost the weight I needed to.
My sister is semi-friends with a former co-worker who is apparently going to be on some upcoming weight loss show. And this person told my sister what they do to lose weight and my jaw almost hit the floor when she told me what they do. It is so unbelievably unhealthy. When are people going to learn that rapid weight loss generally always leads to weight gain? Not that you can't gain it even losing slowly, but this show's methods are just unsafe. It's amazing no one ever drops dead on those shows with the methods they use. You can't starve your body.
Do you know how long it has taken me to lose 60 pounds? Four years. Four freaking years. I started in April of 2007 and I don't think it was until about March or April of this year, maybe a little before that, when I finally saw that scale hit 120 pounds for the first time. It's been a long, extremely slow weight loss and so far I have been doing okay with maintaining. It does take work, though. A lot of work. We have candy and cookies galore in the house and I can't tell you how bad I just want to sit down and plow through it all. And this year, I finally discovered the genius behind ham on snowflake rolls and a monster has been created. It's soooo good!
I have also not been spending as much time in front of the mirror. I still have to look whenever I go by one, though, and whenever I am watching TV, or just standing around, I start to find myself pulling my sleeves or pant legs up and looking over areas. Also another compulsion that I hope to diminish, but will probably not go away for a while.
While I would not want to resort to it, I have seriously considered applying for disability. Not as something for the rest of my life like some people, but just until I can get this goddamn disorder under control. When I sit and think how much fixing I need, it seems like it would be something that would pretty much be a full time job. My mind needs a lot of fixing and until it gets fixed somewhat, there is not much I can really go forward with.
I can't finish school because the need to be absolutely perfect gets so overwhelming I end up getting stressed out and ultimately burned out. It should not be the end of the world to get less than 100% on my work. But to me it is. I have gotten 98% on exams and spent hours belittling and beating myself up over it. When I take tests or do homework, I have to check over my answers repeatedly to make sure I didn't fill in or circle the wrong answer and even after 5 or more times of going over them, I still feel less than confident when I am handing them in.
Relationships? Completely out of the question right now. My self-esteem and self-worth are so low, that being in a relationship with me would be a complete and utter nightmare. All I would do is question why the person is with me and that I am not good enough for him and it would just be one big tumultuous mountain of insecurity. And the fact that I just turned 28 years old and have yet to ever have a relationship, first kiss, or sex just makes my insecurity even worse. I dread my first relationship because having to admit that all is going to be extremely embarrassing. I hope to God I find someone who will be understanding enough of it.
But back to the disability, it's certainly not something I would do, but it would leave me to be able to focus completely on getting myself back together. And I would certainly not be on it forever. The only problem is that it takes so fucking long to get an answer!
And you know what the funny part is? SSD takes their good old time approving or denying applicants, but when they demand medical records, they want them yesterday. I did records requests at my old job and used to get requests from the state and hand to God, within a week of the first request letter, a second request letter would come demanding to know where the records are. They take like 400 years to respond to applicants! What's the big rush?!
I don't understand government workers. Why in the hell does it take them so goddamn long to do anything? The last time I went to the 7th level of hell known as the DMV, it took so long for the fat ass bitch to take my picture and give me my new license, I was about to climb over the counter and do the damn job myself. It would have taken me 1/3 of the time.
On to a new subject- New Years Eve is coming up. Huzzah. I am not excited by any means. I dread when that fucking ball drops, because I just know I am going to end up in tears like pretty much every other New Years, with the exception of last year when I was apparently going through some kind of manic phase. I don't even bother with resolutions anymore. Well, last year I made one to floss my teeth more. But none of the exercise more or lose weight or anything like that. I faithfully work out 5 days a week and I have already lost the weight I needed to.
My sister is semi-friends with a former co-worker who is apparently going to be on some upcoming weight loss show. And this person told my sister what they do to lose weight and my jaw almost hit the floor when she told me what they do. It is so unbelievably unhealthy. When are people going to learn that rapid weight loss generally always leads to weight gain? Not that you can't gain it even losing slowly, but this show's methods are just unsafe. It's amazing no one ever drops dead on those shows with the methods they use. You can't starve your body.
Do you know how long it has taken me to lose 60 pounds? Four years. Four freaking years. I started in April of 2007 and I don't think it was until about March or April of this year, maybe a little before that, when I finally saw that scale hit 120 pounds for the first time. It's been a long, extremely slow weight loss and so far I have been doing okay with maintaining. It does take work, though. A lot of work. We have candy and cookies galore in the house and I can't tell you how bad I just want to sit down and plow through it all. And this year, I finally discovered the genius behind ham on snowflake rolls and a monster has been created. It's soooo good!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Quote Of The Day
From "Godfellas", after Fry and Leela lock the monks in a laundry room:
Monk #2: [from laundry room] Let us out! We cooked our shoes in the dryer and ate them. Now we're bored.It's probably a lot funnier if you actually see the scene. I have seen this episode a hundred gazillion times, so I can play the scene in my head, and laugh my ass off.
Random Thoughts
Was everyone's Christmas good? Mine was low key as usual. Did the usual- go over the grandparents on Christmas Eve, stuff our faces and have my birthday cake, everyone comes over on Christmas, presents are exchanged, and everyone stuffs their faces even more.
I overate so much on Saturday and Sunday, and then my sister and I went shopping on Monday and we decided to pay Friendly's a visit for the first time in over 6 months (I think they have redeemed themselves, since I was still able to get the chicken parm supermelt, although they're still cheap with their ice cream and my clothes still stink ungodly of fried food when I leave), so that was another day of overating....I am afraid to get on the scale.
I will never EVER go shopping the day after Christmas again. Or at least to a mall. It was terrifying. We went to the Deptford Mall and it was packed to the gills with loud obnoxious kids and teenagers everywhere. Basically the stuff my worst nightmares are made of.
I made out okay for my birthday and Christmas, despite not having a list of any kind for either. It's getting increasingly aggravting every year not being able to come up with a list, but it's hard to come up with one when you don't want anything because clutter makes you anxious (I am the complete opposite of a hoarder; I don't even really own that much, but what I see when I look around my room is is basically equivalent to what the rest of the world sees on one of the many hoarding reality shows. It makes me so anxious, that I will literally spend hours dwelling over it. If I could take 98% of the stuff I own and get rid of it, I would. And I would be entirely happy not owning a lot) and the stuff you do need cannot be brought, and then I end up getting a bunch of things that I do really and truly like, but really have no use for. And I am always racked with way too much guilt over everything to ever return anything I get.
I'm kind of all over in this post, so now I am going to go on and on about my health. I am going to discuss this, despite the fact that I really and truly am worried about jinxing myself, but over the past few days I have actually felt a lot better than I have in a long time. And my blood pressure has actually been running a lot higher, but still normal than it has in a long time. And I am wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that I have stopped eating my usual Monday through Friday lunch of 2 yogurts. I have been off and on wondering if there may have been something in the yogurt that my body was reacting to. Although now I am hesitant on that, since I took my blood pressure at 9PM and it was 102/61. Which is still normal, but a lot lower than it has been running. It would be nice if a simple allergy was what was causing all of this trouble and not the dreaded Addison's disease that I am still fearful and worrying over.
I don't think I have ever brought this up, but whenever I go through one of these "disease crises", much of the reason I get upset over it is because if I were to actually be diagnosed with said disease, I would blame myself for developing it, even if nothing could be done to prevent it. I would sit and find every thing I did wrong (unhealthy diet, losing weight, whatever) as a possible cause for getting the disease. If I did actually have Addison's, I could write a list about a page long of all of the bad habits I have that I would believe had a hand in me getting it.
And I won't admit this out loud to anyone, but it's not even the actual disease I am afraid of as much as the treatment. I am terrified of steroids and the idea of going on them for pretty much ever terrifies the ever living shit out of me. Even though the steroids taken for Addison's disease are normally made naturally by the human body.
I overate so much on Saturday and Sunday, and then my sister and I went shopping on Monday and we decided to pay Friendly's a visit for the first time in over 6 months (I think they have redeemed themselves, since I was still able to get the chicken parm supermelt, although they're still cheap with their ice cream and my clothes still stink ungodly of fried food when I leave), so that was another day of overating....I am afraid to get on the scale.
I will never EVER go shopping the day after Christmas again. Or at least to a mall. It was terrifying. We went to the Deptford Mall and it was packed to the gills with loud obnoxious kids and teenagers everywhere. Basically the stuff my worst nightmares are made of.
I made out okay for my birthday and Christmas, despite not having a list of any kind for either. It's getting increasingly aggravting every year not being able to come up with a list, but it's hard to come up with one when you don't want anything because clutter makes you anxious (I am the complete opposite of a hoarder; I don't even really own that much, but what I see when I look around my room is is basically equivalent to what the rest of the world sees on one of the many hoarding reality shows. It makes me so anxious, that I will literally spend hours dwelling over it. If I could take 98% of the stuff I own and get rid of it, I would. And I would be entirely happy not owning a lot) and the stuff you do need cannot be brought, and then I end up getting a bunch of things that I do really and truly like, but really have no use for. And I am always racked with way too much guilt over everything to ever return anything I get.
I'm kind of all over in this post, so now I am going to go on and on about my health. I am going to discuss this, despite the fact that I really and truly am worried about jinxing myself, but over the past few days I have actually felt a lot better than I have in a long time. And my blood pressure has actually been running a lot higher, but still normal than it has in a long time. And I am wondering if it has anything to do with the fact that I have stopped eating my usual Monday through Friday lunch of 2 yogurts. I have been off and on wondering if there may have been something in the yogurt that my body was reacting to. Although now I am hesitant on that, since I took my blood pressure at 9PM and it was 102/61. Which is still normal, but a lot lower than it has been running. It would be nice if a simple allergy was what was causing all of this trouble and not the dreaded Addison's disease that I am still fearful and worrying over.
I don't think I have ever brought this up, but whenever I go through one of these "disease crises", much of the reason I get upset over it is because if I were to actually be diagnosed with said disease, I would blame myself for developing it, even if nothing could be done to prevent it. I would sit and find every thing I did wrong (unhealthy diet, losing weight, whatever) as a possible cause for getting the disease. If I did actually have Addison's, I could write a list about a page long of all of the bad habits I have that I would believe had a hand in me getting it.
And I won't admit this out loud to anyone, but it's not even the actual disease I am afraid of as much as the treatment. I am terrified of steroids and the idea of going on them for pretty much ever terrifies the ever living shit out of me. Even though the steroids taken for Addison's disease are normally made naturally by the human body.
The Bitch Please! Of The Day
Michelle Hickman, Mom Organizing Target International Nurse-In To Take Place December 28th
Wow, I guess you are showing Target, now, ain't you?!
I read part of this article and I couldn't even finish it because all I heard was WAHHHHHHH!
*face palm* Go find something truly important to whine about, you stupid nipple nazis.
Hey, sex is a natural part of life. Does that mean every time I see a hot guy and I want to push him on the floor, rip my clothes off, and screw him right in the middle of the store, I should do so? I've been repressed too damn long, dammit!
Wow, I guess you are showing Target, now, ain't you?!
I read part of this article and I couldn't even finish it because all I heard was WAHHHHHHH!
*face palm* Go find something truly important to whine about, you stupid nipple nazis.
Hey, sex is a natural part of life. Does that mean every time I see a hot guy and I want to push him on the floor, rip my clothes off, and screw him right in the middle of the store, I should do so? I've been repressed too damn long, dammit!
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Video Of The Day 2
I feel horribly guilty admitting this, but I almost forgot that today would have been my friend's 28th birthday. I mentioned before that she was a huge Oasis fan and although I think it was Liam that she liked, I think of her every thing I hear this song:
I miss my friend. I really do. I still have text messages and her phone number programmed in my cell phone because I just can't bring myself to get rid of them.
I miss my friend. I really do. I still have text messages and her phone number programmed in my cell phone because I just can't bring myself to get rid of them.
Video Of The Day
I heard this song in a Charlotte Russe store one night (my sister is a big fan of that store, I don't shop there because, for some reason, I never can seem to fit into anything in there despite constantly seeing people much bigger than me shopping in there) and was never able to find out who sang it and thank god for Beavis & Butthead for finally giving me a name! It's kind of WTF, and very out of my normal realm of music to like, but....this song is fucking fun!
Lil Wayne gives me a nightmares. Doesn't he have like 100 baby mamas? He puts me in the mind of one of those people that is incredibly fertile. Like if a woman even so much as looks at him, they become pregnant. I feel the need to cover my lower abdomen.
Lil Wayne gives me a nightmares. Doesn't he have like 100 baby mamas? He puts me in the mind of one of those people that is incredibly fertile. Like if a woman even so much as looks at him, they become pregnant. I feel the need to cover my lower abdomen.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Quote Of The Day
From this cracked.com article, DOB on the War On Christmas:
Fuck you Bill O'Rielly, for ever starting this shit.
I think one year, in one town, in one store -- years ago -- employees were instructed to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas." And we, as a nation, have been paying for it ever since.Ah, yes. The good ol' War On Christmas. I could think of a bazillion things that are taking Christ out of Christmas, yet somehow saying "Happy Holidays" seems to be the only thing.
Fuck you Bill O'Rielly, for ever starting this shit.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Random Thoughts
Update on my doctor's office visit. I was pretty much up front with my doctor on things and somehow managed to not end up in tears like I normally do, although I did come pretty close to it at one point. Of course, later on that night, I thought of a couple of things I wanted to discuss and forgot to. Whenever I go to the doctor's, I get so nervous and usually have so much running through my head, it's like every thought is trying to get through the door at once and gets stuck.
My doctor suggested checking my cortisol and aldosterone levels to rule out Addison's, much to my surprise, even though he highly doubted I had it. And not surprisingly, they did come back in range. I don't know what my aldosterone levels were yet, but I am still a little unsettled by my cortisol levels (9.4 ug/dl, normal range 2.3-19.4) . I would have liked to have seen them higher, but then again my blood was drawn at noon and supposedly the best time to draw is 8 or 9AM, when cortisol is at its highest. Since I am still not fully accepting of my results, and probably will not be for some time, I either have to just ride it out or push for further testing, but with my health insurance ending soon, I probably would not be able to do so. I mean, I could push for the test that can only be done by an endocrinologist, the ACTH stimulation or whatever it is called, but I think at this point if I decided to push further, I would just ask for my blood to be drawn early in the morning and see what my results are. If you look at graphs on the internet of what a normal cortisol rhythm looks like, and this one, it appears one of the biggest drops in levels occurs between early morning and noon. So maybe I am okay. I don't know. It's all a matter of convincing my scumbag brain of that. And there is also the trouble of my scumbag brain convincing me that if I let go of the fear and not worry anymore, I am jinxing myself.
I don't really want to have to resort to further testing. The last time I went through this, I pushed for an x-ray of my foot, was told it was normal, discovered that an x-ray would not show a stress fracture, pushed for a bone scan, only to be told that was normal as well. I am starting to get a bit tired of subjecting myself to testing that always ends up being unnecessary. And frankly, the ACTH test freaks me out. I prefer to not have to be injected with stuff.
So, if it's apparently not Addison's, and I certainly did/do not want it to be, I still have no answer why I feel so lousy. My blood pressure has constantly been running borderline low, and it seems more often than usual it has actually dropped below the hypotension level, usually the bottom number. Not a huge drop below, but enough to turn my anxiety up. Earlier I took my blood pressure and it was 87/66. I didn't really feel bad or anything, but it made me nervous. I am on that time of the month, which I am wondering if it has something to do with it. I have said before that I tend to get orthostatic hypotension right before it comes on, the worse always the day before it comes, and I had it kind of bad this time around. Nearly every time I stood up on Friday night from sitting, I felt like I was going to black out. It's such a scary feeling.
And not having an answer why is even scarier. What is going on in my body that has been making me feel so lousy? I don't understand what is going on. Someone suggested POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), which could sound reasonable in that I have never actually seen my blood pressure drop but did have a heart rate increase upon standing, but I have never seen it increase by 30 bpms nor have I ever seen it go above 120. And like I said before, the heart rate increase could very well be due to my own anxiety, because I am starting to become very anxious every time I have to stand up that I am going to pass out.
I still have yet to let go on the theory of this being a vitamin deficiency, and I was supposed to ask my doctor if I could possible have a B-12 count, but stupid me forgot to do so.
ETA: My aldosterone levels were 2.1 ng/dL, normal range from 0.0-30.0.
Yes, it's still normal, but it's still pretty damn low. Enough to make me feel even more unsettled.
My doctor suggested checking my cortisol and aldosterone levels to rule out Addison's, much to my surprise, even though he highly doubted I had it. And not surprisingly, they did come back in range. I don't know what my aldosterone levels were yet, but I am still a little unsettled by my cortisol levels (9.4 ug/dl, normal range 2.3-19.4) . I would have liked to have seen them higher, but then again my blood was drawn at noon and supposedly the best time to draw is 8 or 9AM, when cortisol is at its highest. Since I am still not fully accepting of my results, and probably will not be for some time, I either have to just ride it out or push for further testing, but with my health insurance ending soon, I probably would not be able to do so. I mean, I could push for the test that can only be done by an endocrinologist, the ACTH stimulation or whatever it is called, but I think at this point if I decided to push further, I would just ask for my blood to be drawn early in the morning and see what my results are. If you look at graphs on the internet of what a normal cortisol rhythm looks like, and this one, it appears one of the biggest drops in levels occurs between early morning and noon. So maybe I am okay. I don't know. It's all a matter of convincing my scumbag brain of that. And there is also the trouble of my scumbag brain convincing me that if I let go of the fear and not worry anymore, I am jinxing myself.
I don't really want to have to resort to further testing. The last time I went through this, I pushed for an x-ray of my foot, was told it was normal, discovered that an x-ray would not show a stress fracture, pushed for a bone scan, only to be told that was normal as well. I am starting to get a bit tired of subjecting myself to testing that always ends up being unnecessary. And frankly, the ACTH test freaks me out. I prefer to not have to be injected with stuff.
So, if it's apparently not Addison's, and I certainly did/do not want it to be, I still have no answer why I feel so lousy. My blood pressure has constantly been running borderline low, and it seems more often than usual it has actually dropped below the hypotension level, usually the bottom number. Not a huge drop below, but enough to turn my anxiety up. Earlier I took my blood pressure and it was 87/66. I didn't really feel bad or anything, but it made me nervous. I am on that time of the month, which I am wondering if it has something to do with it. I have said before that I tend to get orthostatic hypotension right before it comes on, the worse always the day before it comes, and I had it kind of bad this time around. Nearly every time I stood up on Friday night from sitting, I felt like I was going to black out. It's such a scary feeling.
And not having an answer why is even scarier. What is going on in my body that has been making me feel so lousy? I don't understand what is going on. Someone suggested POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), which could sound reasonable in that I have never actually seen my blood pressure drop but did have a heart rate increase upon standing, but I have never seen it increase by 30 bpms nor have I ever seen it go above 120. And like I said before, the heart rate increase could very well be due to my own anxiety, because I am starting to become very anxious every time I have to stand up that I am going to pass out.
I still have yet to let go on the theory of this being a vitamin deficiency, and I was supposed to ask my doctor if I could possible have a B-12 count, but stupid me forgot to do so.
ETA: My aldosterone levels were 2.1 ng/dL, normal range from 0.0-30.0.
Yes, it's still normal, but it's still pretty damn low. Enough to make me feel even more unsettled.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
ARGH
I really, REALLY do not want to go to bed right now.
I am so nervous about going to the doctor's.
I am so nervous about going to the doctor's.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Stupid Of The Day
Driver was texting in Missouri traffic pileup - Yahoo! News
I don't remember hearing about this case from over a year ago, but I'm glad the driver died. I don't feel one bit of sympathy for him. I guarantee he was one of those little smart ass kids that insists that oh texting and driving is so easy you just don't know how to multitask!!!!!!!!!!
And don't give me that crap that oh you did stupid things at that age. Because I didn't.
NJ and a few other states have bans on it and yet this past weekend, there was an article that texting and driving is actually up, particularly among young drivers. Do people actually find this funny? Do they really think it is funny that they are distracted and not paying attention to the road and putting other people on the road at risk for accidents? Because I don't. I don't think it's funny at all. And some people give excuses like oh I didn't know there was a ban. Bull. Shit. You were not texting because you were not aware of a ban. You were texting with full awareness of the law, but think you are above it because America is turning into a land of arrogant, self-centered, nothing can ever happen to them, fuck everyone else's safety ASSHOLES.
God help someone if they ever hit me while texting and driving.
I don't remember hearing about this case from over a year ago, but I'm glad the driver died. I don't feel one bit of sympathy for him. I guarantee he was one of those little smart ass kids that insists that oh texting and driving is so easy you just don't know how to multitask!!!!!!!!!!
And don't give me that crap that oh you did stupid things at that age. Because I didn't.
NJ and a few other states have bans on it and yet this past weekend, there was an article that texting and driving is actually up, particularly among young drivers. Do people actually find this funny? Do they really think it is funny that they are distracted and not paying attention to the road and putting other people on the road at risk for accidents? Because I don't. I don't think it's funny at all. And some people give excuses like oh I didn't know there was a ban. Bull. Shit. You were not texting because you were not aware of a ban. You were texting with full awareness of the law, but think you are above it because America is turning into a land of arrogant, self-centered, nothing can ever happen to them, fuck everyone else's safety ASSHOLES.
God help someone if they ever hit me while texting and driving.
Picture Of The Day
An entire page of some of Andrew's best faces:
Oh No They Didn't! - MGMT add new Date/Opener Announced
I like the first one. He looks like "What are you looking at?! MY DRINK!!!!".
Make sure to look at the one of him in the pink leotard and silver shorts. A little bit too much to drink there, eh, Andrew? It was booze, right? That last one (the double picture) where he looks like he is holding a banana, he looks pretty drunk (or stoned or whatever) as well.
ETA: WTF. And O FACE!!!!
God, sex with him must be absolutely incredible. I would probably cry for at least 40 minutes after it was over, because 1) uh duh, it's over and 2) it was so fucking incredible!
Anyway, I am completely convinced that the person dressed as Waldo in this picture is Andrew. One, it looks like something he would do and two, that sweater screams him.
Oh No They Didn't! - MGMT add new Date/Opener Announced
I like the first one. He looks like "What are you looking at?! MY DRINK!!!!".
Make sure to look at the one of him in the pink leotard and silver shorts. A little bit too much to drink there, eh, Andrew? It was booze, right? That last one (the double picture) where he looks like he is holding a banana, he looks pretty drunk (or stoned or whatever) as well.
ETA: WTF. And O FACE!!!!
God, sex with him must be absolutely incredible. I would probably cry for at least 40 minutes after it was over, because 1) uh duh, it's over and 2) it was so fucking incredible!
Anyway, I am completely convinced that the person dressed as Waldo in this picture is Andrew. One, it looks like something he would do and two, that sweater screams him.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Random Thoughts
As pretty much expected, going to NYC sucked. Big time. Mostly because it was freaking pouring pretty much the entire time we were there. Stupid anxiety didn't help to make the day any more pleasant. By the end of the show, I was so miserable and annoyed I wanted to scream. Then we go to dinner, which ended up costing a fortune. Look, I know we were in NYC and everything is insanely expensive, but for god's sake, $18.89 for a goddamn bacon cheeseburger at Friday's?
It's a shame, because for the past couple years I have been pushing to go to NYC at Christmas and for some reason or another, we never would get there and the one year I finally get to go, I am so fucking miserable and have absolutely no Christmas spirit.
I don't know if it's womanly hormones or what, but my anxiety levels have really been flaring up bad the past few days. On Friday, I took my blood pressure and it came up 98/63, so I was a little freaked out and decided to wait a few hours and take it later. Took it later and it came up 97/60. Needless to say, I had to demand the keys to go to the car because I was about to have a meltdown in the middle of Wal-Mart. Luckily, I managed to hold it back until I got to the car. I started crying so hard I almost was at the point of hyperventilating, so I decided to call my sister to try and calm down. She had a headache and apparently could not be bothered.
That's the thing with my family. It infuriates them when I won't talk to them, but whenever I actually make an attempt to, they either can't be bothered or like the past few times, I have attempted to talk to my sister, somehow the conversation ALWAYS ends up on something completely different. Like one time I was trying to make an attempt to explain what I think is wrong with me (look, I suck at telling people my problems in person, mostly because I am so embarrassed and ashamed of it all) and next thing I know, she is talking about making an appointment to get waxed. It was as if to say, I don't really want to hear your problems. And with how I have been feeling, I have really been needing someone to talk to.
I feel bad for my doctor when I go this week.
I am seriously about to take the damn blood pressure cuff and break it. I am so sick and tired of having to take it. But it's even worse if I don't. And every morning, I am in front of the mirror, looking over everything. It is taking me forever to get done. Even when I go into public bathrooms, I am starting to look all over my face in the mirror. As long as no one is in there. If people are in there, I get very agitated that I can't do so. But if I were to stand around and look over my face in the mirror, people would probably assume I am some overly vain cow.
But what I am supposed to say? No I am not vain, I am just convinced I may have Addison's disease and need to look over my skin every day, several times a day looking for signs of hyperpigmentation, otherwise I freak out, and if you want to know the truth I can't stomach having to look at myself in the mirror so much and want to bang my fists repeatedly into the mirror until it breaks because I hate looking at myself so much? Yeah, it would probably be better to just say yes, I am a horribly vain bitch who adores looking at herself.
I am almost at the point of getting a camera and taking close up shots of my skin because every day I look down on my arms or whatever and I see something and I start to wonder if it was there before and then I can feel the panic starting to rise in my chest as I stare at it. Just tonight when I got out of the shower, I sat down on the toilet and was looking at these small spots on my arm and I keep trying to remember if they were there before and I started to cry.
Every night I lay in bed with the horrible scumbag brain that like I said before, just mentally and emotionally assaults me over and over and over again. I'm so sick of it. And every night that same scumbag brain goes "why can't you just get the guts to kill yourself already?!" over and over and over again until I finally break down in tears. I feel like I have this terrible monster in my head and I just want to reach in and rip it out because I just can't take it anymore.
The only good thing that has come from this is it finally got rid of That Thing. For now.
It's a shame, because for the past couple years I have been pushing to go to NYC at Christmas and for some reason or another, we never would get there and the one year I finally get to go, I am so fucking miserable and have absolutely no Christmas spirit.
I don't know if it's womanly hormones or what, but my anxiety levels have really been flaring up bad the past few days. On Friday, I took my blood pressure and it came up 98/63, so I was a little freaked out and decided to wait a few hours and take it later. Took it later and it came up 97/60. Needless to say, I had to demand the keys to go to the car because I was about to have a meltdown in the middle of Wal-Mart. Luckily, I managed to hold it back until I got to the car. I started crying so hard I almost was at the point of hyperventilating, so I decided to call my sister to try and calm down. She had a headache and apparently could not be bothered.
That's the thing with my family. It infuriates them when I won't talk to them, but whenever I actually make an attempt to, they either can't be bothered or like the past few times, I have attempted to talk to my sister, somehow the conversation ALWAYS ends up on something completely different. Like one time I was trying to make an attempt to explain what I think is wrong with me (look, I suck at telling people my problems in person, mostly because I am so embarrassed and ashamed of it all) and next thing I know, she is talking about making an appointment to get waxed. It was as if to say, I don't really want to hear your problems. And with how I have been feeling, I have really been needing someone to talk to.
I feel bad for my doctor when I go this week.
I am seriously about to take the damn blood pressure cuff and break it. I am so sick and tired of having to take it. But it's even worse if I don't. And every morning, I am in front of the mirror, looking over everything. It is taking me forever to get done. Even when I go into public bathrooms, I am starting to look all over my face in the mirror. As long as no one is in there. If people are in there, I get very agitated that I can't do so. But if I were to stand around and look over my face in the mirror, people would probably assume I am some overly vain cow.
But what I am supposed to say? No I am not vain, I am just convinced I may have Addison's disease and need to look over my skin every day, several times a day looking for signs of hyperpigmentation, otherwise I freak out, and if you want to know the truth I can't stomach having to look at myself in the mirror so much and want to bang my fists repeatedly into the mirror until it breaks because I hate looking at myself so much? Yeah, it would probably be better to just say yes, I am a horribly vain bitch who adores looking at herself.
I am almost at the point of getting a camera and taking close up shots of my skin because every day I look down on my arms or whatever and I see something and I start to wonder if it was there before and then I can feel the panic starting to rise in my chest as I stare at it. Just tonight when I got out of the shower, I sat down on the toilet and was looking at these small spots on my arm and I keep trying to remember if they were there before and I started to cry.
Every night I lay in bed with the horrible scumbag brain that like I said before, just mentally and emotionally assaults me over and over and over again. I'm so sick of it. And every night that same scumbag brain goes "why can't you just get the guts to kill yourself already?!" over and over and over again until I finally break down in tears. I feel like I have this terrible monster in my head and I just want to reach in and rip it out because I just can't take it anymore.
The only good thing that has come from this is it finally got rid of That Thing. For now.
The Awesome/Quote Of The Day
In the Philadelphia Daily News every Friday, there is a column written by two people named Steve and Mia. On Friday, this letter was sent in:
I got drunk at a party and got involved in a threesome. I was more of an observer than anything. But now I can't get the image of my boyfriend having sex with my friend out of my head. He says nothing has changed and that he still loves me. But I'm still feeling weird.Mia's response was so awesome, my head almost exploded from it:
I don't feel sorry for you. You acted like a fool. You got plastered at some party, took your clothes off, had three-way sex and now you're having regrets. There's nothing you can do about it now. Next time, think first.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A [Non] Angry Letter To Longhorn Steakhouse
Dear Longhorn Steakhouse:
I love you so fucking much.
That is all.
No, wait, just one little complaint- if I say I do not want lettuce, tomato, onion, or pickles on my burger, just cheese and bacon, that means NO LETTUCE, TOMATO, ONION, OR PICKLES.
Now that is all.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
I love you so fucking much.
That is all.
No, wait, just one little complaint- if I say I do not want lettuce, tomato, onion, or pickles on my burger, just cheese and bacon, that means NO LETTUCE, TOMATO, ONION, OR PICKLES.
Now that is all.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Awesome Of The Day
Behringer unveils 8-foot iNuke Boom iPod dock, goes consumer with Eurosound brand -- Engadget
Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooaaaaa......
Whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhoooooooooooaaaaa......
The Awesome Of The Day
OMFG I WANT THIS:
OREO® Cookies 'N Cream Waffles - Outback Steakhouse
Here's more Oreo goodness.
If I could put into words how much I love Oreos and any dessert containing Oreos. Especially mint ice cream. Whoever decided to combine mint ice cream and Oreos is a freaking GOD.
OREO® Cookies 'N Cream Waffles - Outback Steakhouse
Here's more Oreo goodness.
If I could put into words how much I love Oreos and any dessert containing Oreos. Especially mint ice cream. Whoever decided to combine mint ice cream and Oreos is a freaking GOD.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Random Thoughts
Well, five days into December and I still have not gained a single ounce of Christmas spirit. I am not feeling quite as bad as I did after Thanksgiving, but I am still lacking it big time.
I have an appointment with my usual doctor next Wednesday and I don't know what is going to happen, but something needs to happen. I can't go on like this anymore. I don't know what is going to happen with getting medicine, because I really and truly do not want to go back on it. And I'll admit it the main reason why I don't want to- the weight gain. Body image is a HUGE part of my problem and any weight gain is going to cancel outany of the benefits of the drug.
And the one drug I want to try again seems pretty likely to cause weight gain. I think my weight stayed pretty stable when I was on Prozac before, but I do remember it being very difficult to try to lose weight and if I overate even a little too much, my pants got tighter. I don't recall gaining significant, if any, weight with any of the antidepressants I was on, just the antipsychotics. Ten pounds within a week of 5 mg of Abilify, 15 pounds after 2 weeks of 100 mg Seroquel- all without any diet change. But when I dropped back to 50 mg of Seroquel, it came off in no time. As long as I stayed at 50 mg, I was fine. Any higher- BAM! Weight gain.
As for getting to the bottom of the Addison's fear, I don't know what is going to happen with that either. I don't like giving in, but I need to know whether I am okay or not. And the sad thing is, if I hinted to have a test done, my doctor would probably give right into me. Thanks, malpractice (I'm being sarcastic, by the way).
There's times I can look in the mirror and think I look okay, and then other times I look, see something abnormal to me, and freak out. My mother keeps insisting I look no different than normal. I have been taking my blood pressure several times a day and it always seems to be above the 90/60 mark (which is what Mayo Clinic considers hypotension). The lowest I have seen the top number was 101 and a couple times, the bottom fell below the 60 mark, one of those times I stupidly took it after a really hot bath. But I flipped out, of course.
Out of curiosity (and taking it all with a grain of salt because what do I know?), I have tried a couple times of taking my blood pressure sitting down and then taking it when I got up, and within a few minutes. All times, the numbers were lower on the first taking after getting up, but maybe within a 5 point difference at the most and raised a little after the few minutes. My pulse seemed to shoot up some, but that may be due to anxiety over what the results will be.
Now earlier, I tried something a little different. After lying down for a little bit, I took it and it was 124/69 with a pulse of 100. Then I stood up and took it and was surprised to get 128/77 with a pulse of 115. So that would indicate that maybe I do not have orthostatic hypotension. And last night I took it after getting up off the couch (the time I seem to experience lightheadedness the most after getting up is when I am sitting on the living room couch with my legs up) and it was 110/69. So if my numbers are normal and not falling, then why in the hell do I feel so lightheaded when I get up sometimes? I don't understand it. Anxiety? I can always feel my heart racing when I have to get up. Maybe my doctor will do a [more reliable] test.
On another note, I broke down and had my first cup of coffee since last Sunday (the 27th) because I just can't take it anymore, since due to stopping coffee, other parts of my body have decided they feel they deserve a much needed vacation as well. Well, the coffee didn't help. And instead, it has made me very jittery (I seem to have a very low tolerance for coffee sometimes; I can drink glass after glass of soda and feel fine, yet have one cup of coffee and feel like tearing my skin off). And surprisingly, I found I did not miss the taste of coffee at all.
I just miss its other effect! Goddamn scumbag stomach. It doesn't help that I also started taking multi-vitamins, with 100% of my daily value of iron. And the past week, those orange horse pills have nearly torn a hole in my stomach. I have been nauseous and have had heartburn through the roof and I assume the blame is pretty much all on the vitamins, because none of it started until I started taking them. Yesterday was the first day I did not feel nauseous and have heartburn, so maybe my body is FINALLY starting to adjust to the vitamins.
I'm going to be going to New York City this week and I am not looking forward to it by any means. NYC plus sky high anxiety levels is not a good combination. I don't want to go. My family pulls shit like this all the time. They decide they want to do something, I never agree to going because generally I don't want to go, and next thing I know I have to pay for a ticket to do something I don't even want to do. My sister got my mom tickets for her birthday one year to see Cher. I didn't want to go. But she went and brought me a ticket and I had to pay $80 for a ticket to see a show I didn't even want to fucking go to!
Same thing with this- I NEVER said I wanted to go with them, yet next thing I know an envelope comes in the mail for the bus tour and I am expected to shell out for a $115 ticket for a bus trip to NYC to see the Christmas show at Radio City. And I am pissed.
I have an appointment with my usual doctor next Wednesday and I don't know what is going to happen, but something needs to happen. I can't go on like this anymore. I don't know what is going to happen with getting medicine, because I really and truly do not want to go back on it. And I'll admit it the main reason why I don't want to- the weight gain. Body image is a HUGE part of my problem and any weight gain is going to cancel outany of the benefits of the drug.
And the one drug I want to try again seems pretty likely to cause weight gain. I think my weight stayed pretty stable when I was on Prozac before, but I do remember it being very difficult to try to lose weight and if I overate even a little too much, my pants got tighter. I don't recall gaining significant, if any, weight with any of the antidepressants I was on, just the antipsychotics. Ten pounds within a week of 5 mg of Abilify, 15 pounds after 2 weeks of 100 mg Seroquel- all without any diet change. But when I dropped back to 50 mg of Seroquel, it came off in no time. As long as I stayed at 50 mg, I was fine. Any higher- BAM! Weight gain.
As for getting to the bottom of the Addison's fear, I don't know what is going to happen with that either. I don't like giving in, but I need to know whether I am okay or not. And the sad thing is, if I hinted to have a test done, my doctor would probably give right into me. Thanks, malpractice (I'm being sarcastic, by the way).
There's times I can look in the mirror and think I look okay, and then other times I look, see something abnormal to me, and freak out. My mother keeps insisting I look no different than normal. I have been taking my blood pressure several times a day and it always seems to be above the 90/60 mark (which is what Mayo Clinic considers hypotension). The lowest I have seen the top number was 101 and a couple times, the bottom fell below the 60 mark, one of those times I stupidly took it after a really hot bath. But I flipped out, of course.
Out of curiosity (and taking it all with a grain of salt because what do I know?), I have tried a couple times of taking my blood pressure sitting down and then taking it when I got up, and within a few minutes. All times, the numbers were lower on the first taking after getting up, but maybe within a 5 point difference at the most and raised a little after the few minutes. My pulse seemed to shoot up some, but that may be due to anxiety over what the results will be.
Now earlier, I tried something a little different. After lying down for a little bit, I took it and it was 124/69 with a pulse of 100. Then I stood up and took it and was surprised to get 128/77 with a pulse of 115. So that would indicate that maybe I do not have orthostatic hypotension. And last night I took it after getting up off the couch (the time I seem to experience lightheadedness the most after getting up is when I am sitting on the living room couch with my legs up) and it was 110/69. So if my numbers are normal and not falling, then why in the hell do I feel so lightheaded when I get up sometimes? I don't understand it. Anxiety? I can always feel my heart racing when I have to get up. Maybe my doctor will do a [more reliable] test.
On another note, I broke down and had my first cup of coffee since last Sunday (the 27th) because I just can't take it anymore, since due to stopping coffee, other parts of my body have decided they feel they deserve a much needed vacation as well. Well, the coffee didn't help. And instead, it has made me very jittery (I seem to have a very low tolerance for coffee sometimes; I can drink glass after glass of soda and feel fine, yet have one cup of coffee and feel like tearing my skin off). And surprisingly, I found I did not miss the taste of coffee at all.
I just miss its other effect! Goddamn scumbag stomach. It doesn't help that I also started taking multi-vitamins, with 100% of my daily value of iron. And the past week, those orange horse pills have nearly torn a hole in my stomach. I have been nauseous and have had heartburn through the roof and I assume the blame is pretty much all on the vitamins, because none of it started until I started taking them. Yesterday was the first day I did not feel nauseous and have heartburn, so maybe my body is FINALLY starting to adjust to the vitamins.
I'm going to be going to New York City this week and I am not looking forward to it by any means. NYC plus sky high anxiety levels is not a good combination. I don't want to go. My family pulls shit like this all the time. They decide they want to do something, I never agree to going because generally I don't want to go, and next thing I know I have to pay for a ticket to do something I don't even want to do. My sister got my mom tickets for her birthday one year to see Cher. I didn't want to go. But she went and brought me a ticket and I had to pay $80 for a ticket to see a show I didn't even want to fucking go to!
Same thing with this- I NEVER said I wanted to go with them, yet next thing I know an envelope comes in the mail for the bus tour and I am expected to shell out for a $115 ticket for a bus trip to NYC to see the Christmas show at Radio City. And I am pissed.
Picture Of The Day
I can- very sadly- appreciate this:
berry-break-27 : theBERRY
And Mayo Clinic....and Medline Plus....and Merck Manuel....and Medscape....and Family Practice Notebook....and Wikipedia....and Google when I get really desperate
berry-break-27 : theBERRY
And Mayo Clinic....and Medline Plus....and Merck Manuel....and Medscape....and Family Practice Notebook....and Wikipedia....and Google when I get really desperate
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The Bitch, Please Of The Day
White Coke Cans, Designed For Winter Holidays, Get Canned Because Drinkers Think It's Diet
Really? People got it confused with diet?
I can just see the letters written now. Dear Coke WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Really? People got it confused with diet?
I can just see the letters written now. Dear Coke WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Quote Of The Day
From this D-Listed article, by jerseygirl17, on the Grammys:
There should be separate categories for "Singers" and "Autotuned Beyond Recognition But Hey Look At My Rack".
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Video/Awesome Of The Day
For some inexplicable reason, one of my most favorite Futurama scenes:
I think it might be how terrified the "little dumpling" is and then the bottle comes out and it's just like eh what the hell, takes it, and goes to sleep. Or maybe it's the demonic voice of the Nannybot (something about demonic voices always makes me laugh). Or perhaps both.
I went to one of our local Shop Rites today (*coughs* Route 70 in Marlton) and when we were in line, I happened to look over at the next register and the cashier looked like Andrew. I couldn't stand it. My head was about to explode over how much he looked like him (e.g. how fucking cute he was, but in his own way). Instead, I busted up laughing and was just about to get out of line and go over into his, but some old cow had to come up behind me right when I was about to. If he wasn't busy, I was going to say something to him about looking like him. But with my luck he would have said "well, is that a good or a bad thing?" and then I would have had to say "uh it's definitely not a bad thing", and therefore having to admit I am guilty of thinking he is hot.
Do you know what I hate about my age? I have reached the point where it's getting a little harder to tell the difference between what is legal and what is jailbait, although I want to assume that since he was working in the middle of the day, he has to at least be legal!
I think it might be how terrified the "little dumpling" is and then the bottle comes out and it's just like eh what the hell, takes it, and goes to sleep. Or maybe it's the demonic voice of the Nannybot (something about demonic voices always makes me laugh). Or perhaps both.
I went to one of our local Shop Rites today (*coughs* Route 70 in Marlton) and when we were in line, I happened to look over at the next register and the cashier looked like Andrew. I couldn't stand it. My head was about to explode over how much he looked like him (e.g. how fucking cute he was, but in his own way). Instead, I busted up laughing and was just about to get out of line and go over into his, but some old cow had to come up behind me right when I was about to. If he wasn't busy, I was going to say something to him about looking like him. But with my luck he would have said "well, is that a good or a bad thing?" and then I would have had to say "uh it's definitely not a bad thing", and therefore having to admit I am guilty of thinking he is hot.
Do you know what I hate about my age? I have reached the point where it's getting a little harder to tell the difference between what is legal and what is jailbait, although I want to assume that since he was working in the middle of the day, he has to at least be legal!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Yay Or Nay - Adrenal Fatigue
Because I have spent more hours than should be considered healthy (unless one has actually been diagnosed with it) researching Addison's, I have come across quite a few articles and forum postings on adrenal fatigue, which is basically the adrenal glands are not functioning up to par.
A lot of what I read on it comes from webpages that promote naturalistic approaches to medicine and many state that mainstream medicine brushes it off. It's kind of a tough call. It's almost like the whole aspartame debate. I imagine if you do enough research, EVERY goddamn thing under the sun could be considered dangerous to your health in some way or another.
A couple of responses to it being unreal were why do doctors only think in black and white, with Addison's and Cushing's, but not that a problem can't exist somewhere in between? Which is a good point. The only problem I see with adrenal fatigue is when you read through the symptoms, it seems very vague. And I'm sure I could find plenty of people who experience them. Hell, I could check off a pretty decent chunk of the list. So do I actually have it? I don't know.
I took a quiz out of curiosity and it asked many questions, not anything difficult to answer, but a little difficult in rating. I scored an overall 1.5, which considers my adrenals to be mildy fatigued.
If adrenal fatigue does exist, hell, I couldn't blame my adrenal glands for not wanting to function up to par. Poor diet, easily stressed out, high caffeine intake, etc. All this time I was more concerned about the stress I was putting on my cardiovascular system by being so stressed, and I certainly know first hand that stress can affect many parts of the body, but I never realized all of the specific organs it could affect. In fact- despite countless hours spent in medical books, one course of anatomy (and countless hours reading through the books outside of school, although to be fair, I do not recall the endocrine system being a part of Anatomy 1 at my school) and medical terminology- I don't even think I ever heard of the adrenal glands until recently. And if I did, I obviously pushed it to the back of my mind. After all, my mind has more important things to do, like slowly kill me by driving me nuts. But never mind that. Something needs to be done about my stress levels. It's ridiculous. And obviously very unhealthy.
I already took one stupid, but small step in easing the stress on them (and hopefully my overall stress in general) by stopping with coffee. No more two cups for me. But my digestive system isn't happy with the decision. I'm still drinking soda, but I am trying to cut back on that as well. Eventually I'd like to try to switch to decaf for the majority of the time.
A lot of what I read on it comes from webpages that promote naturalistic approaches to medicine and many state that mainstream medicine brushes it off. It's kind of a tough call. It's almost like the whole aspartame debate. I imagine if you do enough research, EVERY goddamn thing under the sun could be considered dangerous to your health in some way or another.
A couple of responses to it being unreal were why do doctors only think in black and white, with Addison's and Cushing's, but not that a problem can't exist somewhere in between? Which is a good point. The only problem I see with adrenal fatigue is when you read through the symptoms, it seems very vague. And I'm sure I could find plenty of people who experience them. Hell, I could check off a pretty decent chunk of the list. So do I actually have it? I don't know.
I took a quiz out of curiosity and it asked many questions, not anything difficult to answer, but a little difficult in rating. I scored an overall 1.5, which considers my adrenals to be mildy fatigued.
If adrenal fatigue does exist, hell, I couldn't blame my adrenal glands for not wanting to function up to par. Poor diet, easily stressed out, high caffeine intake, etc. All this time I was more concerned about the stress I was putting on my cardiovascular system by being so stressed, and I certainly know first hand that stress can affect many parts of the body, but I never realized all of the specific organs it could affect. In fact- despite countless hours spent in medical books, one course of anatomy (and countless hours reading through the books outside of school, although to be fair, I do not recall the endocrine system being a part of Anatomy 1 at my school) and medical terminology- I don't even think I ever heard of the adrenal glands until recently. And if I did, I obviously pushed it to the back of my mind. After all, my mind has more important things to do, like slowly kill me by driving me nuts. But never mind that. Something needs to be done about my stress levels. It's ridiculous. And obviously very unhealthy.
I already took one stupid, but small step in easing the stress on them (and hopefully my overall stress in general) by stopping with coffee. No more two cups for me. But my digestive system isn't happy with the decision. I'm still drinking soda, but I am trying to cut back on that as well. Eventually I'd like to try to switch to decaf for the majority of the time.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Random Thoughts
Well I asked for it. I had to go and say that one day that all I want to do is cry and since Thanksgiving, that is all I have been doing. And I look even more hellish than before. My hair looks like I stuck my finger in an electrical socket because I don't feel like dealing with straightening it. It's rare I actually decide to get dressed, so most days I am in my pajamas and robe. I have black circles that would make Taylor Momsen jealous. I look exactly like I pictured what I would look like if I fell into a really bad disposition. But the good news is, I don't smell.
I don't feel like doing anything. My parents started getting out the Christmas decorations and I haven't budged to get mine out. I don't feel like decorating. At all. Instead, I just cry every time I look at any decorations. Every time I go into stores, Christmas music is playing and I just want to cry. I'm already tired of everyone asking me what I want for Christmas and my birthday. I feel like screaming "I DON'T FUCKING WANT ANYTHING, OKAY?!". And I really don't, because right now nothing is going to make me happy. And being so miserable is only making me feel even more depressed, because I really hate being miserable at Christmas.
This fucking anxiety over having Addison's is not going away for anything. It has me completely mentally and emotionally paralyzed. I am pretty much unable to even focus on anything else. I can't stop looking at my skin or taking my blood pressure. I'm nervous consuming caffeine now (even though I still am) after reading that it affects the adrenals glands. And to get really confusing, I read about how stress puts stress on the adrenal glands, so now I am stressed over how stress can affect the adrenal glands and over how stressed I am and how much my stressing is stressing them out (yo dawg I heard you like stress?).
I don't know what to do. I really don't. I'm at the point of just breaking down and going to the doctor and demanding a test to see if I have it or not. I really don't want to have to do that, but I just don't know what else to do. I lay in bed almost every night wishing and praying that someone would come to me in my sleep and tell me whether to go get checked out or to not worry anymore.
And yes, I obviously need medicine more than anything, but medicine doesn't work overnight. These bastards take anywhere from two to eight weeks to work. And that's if they even work at all. So what will I do in the meantime? Completely lose my mind?
And then the million dollar question is what I am put on. I am losing my health insurance again in January, so if I take anything that I can't get cheap at Wal-Fart or now the supermarkets, then I am screwed. When I was on Prozac, I used the $4 program at Wal-Fart. And you know what? It was wonderful. It really was. I contemplated going back on Prozac anyway, since it's the only drug I have ever used that had some kind of effect besides Effexor, which I will never EVER go on again. Whether it will have the same effect this time around, I don't know.
I keep trying to tell myself that I can get through this, that I have been through rough waters like this before. But it's getting increasingly harder to try to keep it together.
I don't feel like doing anything. My parents started getting out the Christmas decorations and I haven't budged to get mine out. I don't feel like decorating. At all. Instead, I just cry every time I look at any decorations. Every time I go into stores, Christmas music is playing and I just want to cry. I'm already tired of everyone asking me what I want for Christmas and my birthday. I feel like screaming "I DON'T FUCKING WANT ANYTHING, OKAY?!". And I really don't, because right now nothing is going to make me happy. And being so miserable is only making me feel even more depressed, because I really hate being miserable at Christmas.
This fucking anxiety over having Addison's is not going away for anything. It has me completely mentally and emotionally paralyzed. I am pretty much unable to even focus on anything else. I can't stop looking at my skin or taking my blood pressure. I'm nervous consuming caffeine now (even though I still am) after reading that it affects the adrenals glands. And to get really confusing, I read about how stress puts stress on the adrenal glands, so now I am stressed over how stress can affect the adrenal glands and over how stressed I am and how much my stressing is stressing them out (yo dawg I heard you like stress?).
I don't know what to do. I really don't. I'm at the point of just breaking down and going to the doctor and demanding a test to see if I have it or not. I really don't want to have to do that, but I just don't know what else to do. I lay in bed almost every night wishing and praying that someone would come to me in my sleep and tell me whether to go get checked out or to not worry anymore.
And yes, I obviously need medicine more than anything, but medicine doesn't work overnight. These bastards take anywhere from two to eight weeks to work. And that's if they even work at all. So what will I do in the meantime? Completely lose my mind?
And then the million dollar question is what I am put on. I am losing my health insurance again in January, so if I take anything that I can't get cheap at Wal-Fart or now the supermarkets, then I am screwed. When I was on Prozac, I used the $4 program at Wal-Fart. And you know what? It was wonderful. It really was. I contemplated going back on Prozac anyway, since it's the only drug I have ever used that had some kind of effect besides Effexor, which I will never EVER go on again. Whether it will have the same effect this time around, I don't know.
I keep trying to tell myself that I can get through this, that I have been through rough waters like this before. But it's getting increasingly harder to try to keep it together.
What The Hell????!!!!
I mentioned the other day that my hands are almost constantly cold. Pretty much from the time I wake up until I go to bed I have cold hands, even if I am not cold. My hands often turn red in spots and my fingernails turn purple. Drinking cold drinks, especially caffeinated ones, seem to exacerbate the problem.
But what I forgot to mention was when the opposite occurs. A lot of times, for absolutely no reason at all, my fingers will get red, hot, and swollen and sometimes itch. I'm experiencing it right now and all I want to do is stick my hands in cold water. My veins are gorging like crazy.
Even googling this still raises Raynauds. But none of the pictures I see of what a Raynauds attack looks like looks anything like what I experience. I've seen my fingers turn white with red tips, like this, but not quite as bad. I've seen my fingers turn purple in spots after a very brief period of leaning on my arm (never a problem before), like this, again, not as bad. But I never have any pins and needles or pains or anything. Just the typical pain of cold hands when I try to do things or the burning that I am having right now with my fingers being so hot.
But what I forgot to mention was when the opposite occurs. A lot of times, for absolutely no reason at all, my fingers will get red, hot, and swollen and sometimes itch. I'm experiencing it right now and all I want to do is stick my hands in cold water. My veins are gorging like crazy.
Even googling this still raises Raynauds. But none of the pictures I see of what a Raynauds attack looks like looks anything like what I experience. I've seen my fingers turn white with red tips, like this, but not quite as bad. I've seen my fingers turn purple in spots after a very brief period of leaning on my arm (never a problem before), like this, again, not as bad. But I never have any pins and needles or pains or anything. Just the typical pain of cold hands when I try to do things or the burning that I am having right now with my fingers being so hot.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Friday, November 25, 2011
Random Thoughts
Did we all have a good Thanksgiving? Mine was okay. I certainly ate a lot and somehow am not even full. I ate quite a bit of turkey, two biscuits, three servings of this cornbread casserole thing my mother had first made last Thanksgiving that went over big between my sister and me, and three pieces of pie. I'm seriously a bottomless pit. I mean, I don't eat as much as I would like to, because if I did, I'd be about 400 pounds. But I swear ever since I was on antipsychotics, I have never ever been able to get full. I might get a little uncomfortable, but it never lasts that long.
My father did shockingly stick around. But he was about as pleasant as I am not anxious.
The Addison's fear seems to be back in full swing again. Lovely. Just what I really feel like dealing with right now. When these anxieties flare up, my brain only focuses on them. That's it. I am pretty much incapable of focusing on anything else. It's horrible. All day long, I was looking down at my hands or in the mirror looking at my skin. I'd go in the bathroom just to pee and I'd go to the counter and next thing I'd know, I was right there on top of the counter and in front of the mirror looking over everything with a handheld mirror and 20 minutes will have passed. I'm freaking out because I swear my face is tan. My mom insists it is not and that I am just imagining it. I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone else. I keep yanking my hair back and comparing the color of my forehead and face to my scalp (which looks paler). Is that even a normal occurence, for the scalp to be paler? I don't even fucking know! It's never something I ever had to take notice to! I keep taking my blood pressure. I keep getting myself so worked up that I start to get lightheaded and my heart starts to race and then I start to freak out because I don't know if it is just the anxiety or anxiety and something else.
And then when you read up on the disease, it mentions emotional instability, which only makes me wonder even more if I have it and that could be why I am reacting so bad (if that makes sense; like if I really don't have it, would I be reacting so bad? Or do I actually and that is why I am acting so bad?). Each and every goddamn thing just feeds into each other.
Everyone keeps pushing me to go out and do stuff when I am asked, but they don't understand that going out doesn't take my mind off of it. I'm so fucking miserable. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. The Christmas season is coming up and I am sick to my stomach with worry that one day I will reach the point of wanting to actually hurt myself. I've went through bad times at the holidays, but never like this. I don't even think it was this bad when I was worried I had MS (which I would welcome that fear back with open arms; my fear of MS pales in comparison to Addison's). I don't know how I am going to make it through.
My father did shockingly stick around. But he was about as pleasant as I am not anxious.
The Addison's fear seems to be back in full swing again. Lovely. Just what I really feel like dealing with right now. When these anxieties flare up, my brain only focuses on them. That's it. I am pretty much incapable of focusing on anything else. It's horrible. All day long, I was looking down at my hands or in the mirror looking at my skin. I'd go in the bathroom just to pee and I'd go to the counter and next thing I'd know, I was right there on top of the counter and in front of the mirror looking over everything with a handheld mirror and 20 minutes will have passed. I'm freaking out because I swear my face is tan. My mom insists it is not and that I am just imagining it. I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone else. I keep yanking my hair back and comparing the color of my forehead and face to my scalp (which looks paler). Is that even a normal occurence, for the scalp to be paler? I don't even fucking know! It's never something I ever had to take notice to! I keep taking my blood pressure. I keep getting myself so worked up that I start to get lightheaded and my heart starts to race and then I start to freak out because I don't know if it is just the anxiety or anxiety and something else.
And then when you read up on the disease, it mentions emotional instability, which only makes me wonder even more if I have it and that could be why I am reacting so bad (if that makes sense; like if I really don't have it, would I be reacting so bad? Or do I actually and that is why I am acting so bad?). Each and every goddamn thing just feeds into each other.
Everyone keeps pushing me to go out and do stuff when I am asked, but they don't understand that going out doesn't take my mind off of it. I'm so fucking miserable. I don't know what to do. I have no one to talk to. The Christmas season is coming up and I am sick to my stomach with worry that one day I will reach the point of wanting to actually hurt myself. I've went through bad times at the holidays, but never like this. I don't even think it was this bad when I was worried I had MS (which I would welcome that fear back with open arms; my fear of MS pales in comparison to Addison's). I don't know how I am going to make it through.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Webpage Of The Day
First off, let me say I did not think the initial situation was funny by any means. I think the cops were completely out of line pepper spraying those students.
But I would be a liar if I said I didn't think this webpage was hilarious:
Pepper Spray Cop
But I would be a liar if I said I didn't think this webpage was hilarious:
Pepper Spray Cop
Lyrics Of The Day
Patrick Star's song from "Sing A Song Of Patrick"!
Twinkle, Twinkle, Patrick Star
I made myself a sandwich
My mommy named it Fred
It tastes like beans and bacon
And smells like it's been dead
Writing stuff is so hard
So I used a pointy pencil
Pointy, Pointy, Pointy
Pointy, Pointy, Point
P.U., what's that horrible smell?
Drum solo!
(Drum Solo)
I have a head
It ends in a point
Pointy, Pointy, Pointy
Pointy, Pointy, Point
This song is over
Except for this line
You win this round
Broccoli!
Random Thoughts
I am seriously going to punch something if something does not fucking go right soon.
I have been expecting a bill from my dental office since I paid for both of my cavities when I was there, but had not been billed for those caps yet. However, I was not expecting to open my mail today to a $122 bill. I almost hit the roof. I have paid my deductible and all of the copays on my cavities! Where on earth are they getting $122 from?!
I am really disgusted with this whole COBRA situation. There is no way I am going to be able to put that kind of money out a month. I either need to go without insurance once again or try to find something cheaper on my own until I can finally get a new job. Last time I checked EHealth Insurance, some of the rates were not so hot, but cheaper than what I am paying. The results I just pulled up have the cheapest plan at $219. Jeebus. And they are not that great.
I have been expecting a bill from my dental office since I paid for both of my cavities when I was there, but had not been billed for those caps yet. However, I was not expecting to open my mail today to a $122 bill. I almost hit the roof. I have paid my deductible and all of the copays on my cavities! Where on earth are they getting $122 from?!
I am really disgusted with this whole COBRA situation. There is no way I am going to be able to put that kind of money out a month. I either need to go without insurance once again or try to find something cheaper on my own until I can finally get a new job. Last time I checked EHealth Insurance, some of the rates were not so hot, but cheaper than what I am paying. The results I just pulled up have the cheapest plan at $219. Jeebus. And they are not that great.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
The Bitch, Please Of The Day
Laurie David: Thanksgiving Conversation Starter: Is It Time to Ban Soda Ads on Prime Time Television?
No. They do not need to ban them. What needs to happen is the lazy ass people in this country need to start taking responsibility for their own actions. Stop blaming the corporations for your own health problems. I'm so sick and tired of some fat ass filing a lawsuit against fast food joints or whatever because they got obese and developed diabetes or had a heart attack. If you can't comprehend that eating McDonalds every fucking day of your life and never exercising will result in a heart attack, then you have major problems. When I was at my heaviest weight, it was my fault! I ate too much bad food and didn't exercise enough!
Huffpost user Stephen Stafford puts it best:
No. They do not need to ban them. What needs to happen is the lazy ass people in this country need to start taking responsibility for their own actions. Stop blaming the corporations for your own health problems. I'm so sick and tired of some fat ass filing a lawsuit against fast food joints or whatever because they got obese and developed diabetes or had a heart attack. If you can't comprehend that eating McDonalds every fucking day of your life and never exercising will result in a heart attack, then you have major problems. When I was at my heaviest weight, it was my fault! I ate too much bad food and didn't exercise enough!
Huffpost user Stephen Stafford puts it best:
You feed your child. You do the shopping and cooking. They cannot eat and drink what you do not buy. Raise your own kids. Don't mess with my choices because you don't feel like managing and teaching these people you created and brought into the world.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Picture Of The Day
2dl6eqe.jpg (JPEG Image, 375x500 pixels)
Is that a schnauzer I see down there in the corner???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My family loves most breeds of dogs, but schnauzers pretty much answer to a higher authority in this house. We have Sammie now and we had one before her and the chances of me getting one if I ever decide to buy a dog are about a million percent. I imagine he does or did have a dog, as quoted in "Time To Pretend" ("I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog, and my home"). Good god. If Andrew owns (or owned) a schnauzer, then all bets are off! He can do no wrong. Ever. That pretty much seals the deal that he is absolutely perfect.
In fact, from what I know of him and assuming the stories I have read on people who have met him are true (so many people say how sweet he is; I hope it's true should the earth ever fall off its axis and I actually get the chance to meet him), he is so perfect, he is about the only man on earth who could possibly change my mind about having kids. I'm not even kidding. I would make babies with that boy. One, two, four, twenty, whatever! And assuming all goes right, our kids would have fantastic hair, between my looks like I stuck my finger in an electrical socket curls and that adorable hobbit mop on his head. Whenever I see him hold that baby in the "Time To Pretend" video, it makes my heart swell. It's so sweet and cute, I want to barf rainbows every time I see it. But why is the baby crying? Who would cry with Andrew holding them? You don't cry when Andrew holds you. Unless it's of happiness! Even the kid in the "Kids" video smiled when he seen him. Who wouldn't?
Thank goodness my chances with him are nil, eh?
And speaking of them, my sister was over today and she wanted to pull some songs from my iTunes library and "Time To Pretend" was one of them. My heart nearly burst with pride. I got one person out of all the people I know to like a song by them!
Is that a schnauzer I see down there in the corner???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My family loves most breeds of dogs, but schnauzers pretty much answer to a higher authority in this house. We have Sammie now and we had one before her and the chances of me getting one if I ever decide to buy a dog are about a million percent. I imagine he does or did have a dog, as quoted in "Time To Pretend" ("I'll miss my sister, miss my father, miss my dog, and my home"). Good god. If Andrew owns (or owned) a schnauzer, then all bets are off! He can do no wrong. Ever. That pretty much seals the deal that he is absolutely perfect.
In fact, from what I know of him and assuming the stories I have read on people who have met him are true (so many people say how sweet he is; I hope it's true should the earth ever fall off its axis and I actually get the chance to meet him), he is so perfect, he is about the only man on earth who could possibly change my mind about having kids. I'm not even kidding. I would make babies with that boy. One, two, four, twenty, whatever! And assuming all goes right, our kids would have fantastic hair, between my looks like I stuck my finger in an electrical socket curls and that adorable hobbit mop on his head. Whenever I see him hold that baby in the "Time To Pretend" video, it makes my heart swell. It's so sweet and cute, I want to barf rainbows every time I see it. But why is the baby crying? Who would cry with Andrew holding them? You don't cry when Andrew holds you. Unless it's of happiness! Even the kid in the "Kids" video smiled when he seen him. Who wouldn't?
Thank goodness my chances with him are nil, eh?
And speaking of them, my sister was over today and she wanted to pull some songs from my iTunes library and "Time To Pretend" was one of them. My heart nearly burst with pride. I got one person out of all the people I know to like a song by them!
FFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU
Well, I can really forget about finding out what is wrong with me anytime soon. I received a package today from my former employer and my COBRA plan is changing. And the premium is jumping more than $200 a month.
I give up. I really do. I don't even know why I am so worried about getting sick enough to the point of dropping dead because honestly, right now? I'd fucking welcome it.
I give up. I really do. I don't even know why I am so worried about getting sick enough to the point of dropping dead because honestly, right now? I'd fucking welcome it.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Random Thoughts
Every single time I start to think I couldn't possibly hate people anymore than I already do, something comes along to prove me wrong. Some chauvinistic pig probably riddled on steroids and with a tiny penis thought he'd be a nice guy and call me stupid TWICE in a comments section. After about 10 minutes of shaking with enough blind fury to light an entire city (and being so angry I literally could not breathe for quite some time and almost ended up close to passing out), I decided to just not even bother responding to either of his comments. It's killing me to do so, because my initial reaction to being insulted is to want to hit someone as far below the belt as possible, although frankly, I am lost at a good come back right now anyway. But it pisses me off to no end and it pisses me off even more that I am allowing it to piss me off.
I hate being so fucking thin-skinned. I don't know how people can let nasty comments roll of their backs, but I sure in hell wish I did know. Sometimes I can, depending on the name I am being called. If someone called me a whore, I know I am not a whore. But when I am insulted with a name that I already think myself as, like stupid, it's a lot more difficult to ignore. If you asked anyone who knows me well enough, they would all tell you I am far from stupid. But just like being told I am beautiful, it all falls on deaf ears. I do think I am stupid. Very. And since my brain is very pig headed, no evidence can otherwise convince me.
It's like how no matter what the scale says, no matter that my BMI falls into a healthy range (21), I can still think I am fat. I have finally reached the point where I [generally] no longer think I am fat, but I do still have days where I look in the mirror and am disgusted with how I look.
But why shouldn't I be called stupid? After all, everyone seems to think I am anyway. My boss did. My WA sometimes did, despite the fact that she was about as stupid as they come. The government thinks I am. I think I am. Why shouldn't everyone else?
But on another note, I am very much excited about Thanksgiving this week. I love Turkey Day. Which should come as no surprise since I love eating. Especially pie. And I plan on eating a lot, which will make my grandmother happy. She likes watching me eat, since she thinks I am too skinny. I don't know how this Turkey Day will turn out with my father deciding he wants to be an even bigger asshole to my grandparents and aunt. Every other visit, he has went out. And to be honest, I hope he does go out on Thanksgiving. Who wants to look at his miserable face?
And speaking of annoying things, EVERY SINGLE TIME I think it is going away, it comes back and slaps me in the face. I don't remember what spurned it this time, but something happened one day and I was right back to go, oh god, what if it's Addison's. And it started all over again. I was in the bathroom last night blow drying my hair and when I finished, I happened to look in the mirror, and next thing I knew I was ripping my top off and looking everything over. And then "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley came on and I started to cry. When is "every little thing" going to be alright? When I am able to get proper help? I already know I have a problem and isn't that the first step or something? I do want help. But you need the proper financial resources to get mental help in this country. And I don't have those right now!
I finished the other book on OCD and I didn't care for it as much as the first one I read. The first book was unbelievable. There were so many parts that I would read and think holy mother of God! It was so spot on. This second book was just kind of boring and some of the advice was meh.The only thing I didn't care for in either book was the constant push for medication not being harmful pretty much ever. I have moved past the point of completely hating meds. I don't condemn them as much as I used to and hey, if they can help, great.
But it is six years since I quit Effexor and I am still feeling effects from it. I still can't turn my head or move my eyes without feeling like my brain is being zapped. And I do not believe that my mental well being has been the same since I quit it. Those drugs did something. And for the books to say that the drugs cannot cause dependency I also disagree with. I was dependent on Seroquel to sleep. If I didn't take it, I did not sleep. At all. If I didn't take a drug within a certain amount of time, I knew it. Oh and let's not forget the nightmare I went through after quitting Effexor!
But going back to the Addison's fear....I am so sick and tired of it. I want to so badly believe I do not have it, but I can't let go of the fear because I just do not know for sure. And for me to let go of the fear, I need to know for a fact that I do not. And I will never know unless I get tested for it. And right now with being unemployed and no sign of obtaining work yet, I just cannot do that. And like I said before, I feel like if I were to go to my doctor and demand a test, I would be giving in. But I really don't know how much more I can take being worried. And the fear not going away is only making everything worse because I can't help but wonder why it is not going away. Which is probably a result of not knowing whether or not I truly do not have it.
Ugh. I feel like I am running myself in circles here.
I just want to know what is wrong with me. And I think that it would probably cost me a fortune right now to try and get to the bottom of it. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel so lousy and it only exacerbates my anxiety, which makes me feel even worse. I keep getting this sickening feeling that one of these days I am going to end up in the hospital, normal or psychiatric. I feel so lousy and some days it's so overwhelming I can't do anything. It's still pretty much the same things. I get brief (like 10 seconds in length) stabbing headaches (just in one spot, which changes) every so often throughout the day. I feel lightheaded. I get a lot of pressure in the sinus area. Occasional occurences of feeling lightheaded when I stand up too fast. I feel dizzy when I chew in that one certain spot. My hands are constantly cold and my fingernails are purple a lot of times. The only answer I have been able to get on that is maybe Raynauds, which does and doesn't sound like what I experience. The spots on my tongue look like they have increased and I have a bitter taste in my mouth. Trouble swallowing liquids comes and goes.
And the oddest part is how the issues diminish or disappear when my period comes on.
ETA 10:24PM: Those comments are still bothering me. Every time I think I am okay, I can feel myself starting to well up. WHY am I letting it bother me?! I can be better than this! It's just some stupid nobody who obviously did not get enough love and beatings as a child. And judging by his other comments, is some gay man who can't accept the fact that he is so he feels the need to belittle and degrade other people, particularly women. Fucking jackass.
*looks in mirror* STOP LETTING IT BOTHER YOU!
Do you know what I need? I need to go look at pictures of a REAL man, a REAL man who wouldn't be so disrespectful and gets his kicks from degrading a woman, and get busy.
ETA 11/26: Here is a piece of brilliance from this asshole:
I'd say LOL gave it to him fairly well, eh? This dude is no doubt a roid rager.
I hate being so fucking thin-skinned. I don't know how people can let nasty comments roll of their backs, but I sure in hell wish I did know. Sometimes I can, depending on the name I am being called. If someone called me a whore, I know I am not a whore. But when I am insulted with a name that I already think myself as, like stupid, it's a lot more difficult to ignore. If you asked anyone who knows me well enough, they would all tell you I am far from stupid. But just like being told I am beautiful, it all falls on deaf ears. I do think I am stupid. Very. And since my brain is very pig headed, no evidence can otherwise convince me.
It's like how no matter what the scale says, no matter that my BMI falls into a healthy range (21), I can still think I am fat. I have finally reached the point where I [generally] no longer think I am fat, but I do still have days where I look in the mirror and am disgusted with how I look.
But why shouldn't I be called stupid? After all, everyone seems to think I am anyway. My boss did. My WA sometimes did, despite the fact that she was about as stupid as they come. The government thinks I am. I think I am. Why shouldn't everyone else?
But on another note, I am very much excited about Thanksgiving this week. I love Turkey Day. Which should come as no surprise since I love eating. Especially pie. And I plan on eating a lot, which will make my grandmother happy. She likes watching me eat, since she thinks I am too skinny. I don't know how this Turkey Day will turn out with my father deciding he wants to be an even bigger asshole to my grandparents and aunt. Every other visit, he has went out. And to be honest, I hope he does go out on Thanksgiving. Who wants to look at his miserable face?
And speaking of annoying things, EVERY SINGLE TIME I think it is going away, it comes back and slaps me in the face. I don't remember what spurned it this time, but something happened one day and I was right back to go, oh god, what if it's Addison's. And it started all over again. I was in the bathroom last night blow drying my hair and when I finished, I happened to look in the mirror, and next thing I knew I was ripping my top off and looking everything over. And then "Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley came on and I started to cry. When is "every little thing" going to be alright? When I am able to get proper help? I already know I have a problem and isn't that the first step or something? I do want help. But you need the proper financial resources to get mental help in this country. And I don't have those right now!
I finished the other book on OCD and I didn't care for it as much as the first one I read. The first book was unbelievable. There were so many parts that I would read and think holy mother of God! It was so spot on. This second book was just kind of boring and some of the advice was meh.The only thing I didn't care for in either book was the constant push for medication not being harmful pretty much ever. I have moved past the point of completely hating meds. I don't condemn them as much as I used to and hey, if they can help, great.
But it is six years since I quit Effexor and I am still feeling effects from it. I still can't turn my head or move my eyes without feeling like my brain is being zapped. And I do not believe that my mental well being has been the same since I quit it. Those drugs did something. And for the books to say that the drugs cannot cause dependency I also disagree with. I was dependent on Seroquel to sleep. If I didn't take it, I did not sleep. At all. If I didn't take a drug within a certain amount of time, I knew it. Oh and let's not forget the nightmare I went through after quitting Effexor!
But going back to the Addison's fear....I am so sick and tired of it. I want to so badly believe I do not have it, but I can't let go of the fear because I just do not know for sure. And for me to let go of the fear, I need to know for a fact that I do not. And I will never know unless I get tested for it. And right now with being unemployed and no sign of obtaining work yet, I just cannot do that. And like I said before, I feel like if I were to go to my doctor and demand a test, I would be giving in. But I really don't know how much more I can take being worried. And the fear not going away is only making everything worse because I can't help but wonder why it is not going away. Which is probably a result of not knowing whether or not I truly do not have it.
Ugh. I feel like I am running myself in circles here.
I just want to know what is wrong with me. And I think that it would probably cost me a fortune right now to try and get to the bottom of it. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel so lousy and it only exacerbates my anxiety, which makes me feel even worse. I keep getting this sickening feeling that one of these days I am going to end up in the hospital, normal or psychiatric. I feel so lousy and some days it's so overwhelming I can't do anything. It's still pretty much the same things. I get brief (like 10 seconds in length) stabbing headaches (just in one spot, which changes) every so often throughout the day. I feel lightheaded. I get a lot of pressure in the sinus area. Occasional occurences of feeling lightheaded when I stand up too fast. I feel dizzy when I chew in that one certain spot. My hands are constantly cold and my fingernails are purple a lot of times. The only answer I have been able to get on that is maybe Raynauds, which does and doesn't sound like what I experience. The spots on my tongue look like they have increased and I have a bitter taste in my mouth. Trouble swallowing liquids comes and goes.
And the oddest part is how the issues diminish or disappear when my period comes on.
ETA 10:24PM: Those comments are still bothering me. Every time I think I am okay, I can feel myself starting to well up. WHY am I letting it bother me?! I can be better than this! It's just some stupid nobody who obviously did not get enough love and beatings as a child. And judging by his other comments, is some gay man who can't accept the fact that he is so he feels the need to belittle and degrade other people, particularly women. Fucking jackass.
*looks in mirror* STOP LETTING IT BOTHER YOU!
Do you know what I need? I need to go look at pictures of a REAL man, a REAL man who wouldn't be so disrespectful and gets his kicks from degrading a woman, and get busy.
ETA 11/26: Here is a piece of brilliance from this asshole:
I'd say LOL gave it to him fairly well, eh? This dude is no doubt a roid rager.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Picture Of The Day
I checked a bag of carrots in my fridge and sure enough it was there. That prompted me to then check any other bags of vegetables in the fridge. Sure enough, the bag of onions contains onions, the bag of broccoli contains broccoli, and the bag of corn contains corn. ASTONISHING.
ETA 11/23: Wow this meme actually made it to the front page and my mind is blown by how many people in the comments section actually got all up in arms over it. Oh they have to list it! Wah! Damn, people. Get a fucking sense of humor.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
The WTF Of The Day
Had another meeting thingie to go to with unemployment today. Although it was basically WORD FOR EXACT WORD of the meeting I had to go to last week, this meeting had to do with some program that apparently I was chosen for since it seems that according to my claim, I scored in the area that determined me to be someone who "would have the most difficulty returning to work". Jesus. Even the government finds me fucking incompetent!
There was some loud mouth bitch there as well and she was complaining about having to be there and how she felt like she was some welfare recipient (funny thing is, she looked like one to a T. What? I'm sorry, but she did! And the obnoxious behavior didn't help!), then of course, she had to start about the government being prejudice. I was already in a bad enough mood and the last thing I felt like listening to was someone bitching about racism. I felt like saying oh bitch, please look around you! Most of the people chosen for this program are white!
There was some loud mouth bitch there as well and she was complaining about having to be there and how she felt like she was some welfare recipient (funny thing is, she looked like one to a T. What? I'm sorry, but she did! And the obnoxious behavior didn't help!), then of course, she had to start about the government being prejudice. I was already in a bad enough mood and the last thing I felt like listening to was someone bitching about racism. I felt like saying oh bitch, please look around you! Most of the people chosen for this program are white!
Picture Of The Day
Brandon Flowers Afternoon Eye Candy : theBERRY
Who would not want to look at Brandon Flowers, but I just wanted an excuse to post this again:
I actually have this song on my iPod. It's currently sitting at 271 plays as of 11/16. What? I like it! A lot! If that makes me wrong, then I don't want to be right!
Who would not want to look at Brandon Flowers, but I just wanted an excuse to post this again:
I actually have this song on my iPod. It's currently sitting at 271 plays as of 11/16. What? I like it! A lot! If that makes me wrong, then I don't want to be right!
Random Thoughts
Wow, I cannot believe it’s already been over one month since I lost my job. And you know what the funny thing is? Up until the weekend after, I did not believe that I would ever be able to stop crying. But since then, I can’t even recall the last time I actually really cried.
And yet that is ALL I have been wanting to do. I have cried a little bit here and there ("It's Working" came up on my iPod the other night and I burst into tears. I have absolutely no idea why, except for maybe because I was hormonal). But all I have been wanting to do is loud, Niagara Falls type tearing cries. I think possibly the last time I felt depression as bad as I have been feeling was back in 2005 (and look where that got me right after New Years). And I don’t even think anyone in my family even realizes just how bad it is getting. I kind of gave up completely even talking to anyone in my family because if I do, I either 1) have it turned into a competition 2) no one takes me seriously 3) I am interrupted 4) the person isn’t really paying attention 5) the person gets angry at me or 6) the person I am talking to just fucking sucks to talk to.
It’s getting to the point that even I am starting to worry about myself. I’m not wanting to hurt myself or anything, although I am not going to deny that it does cross my mind that it would be nice to or how nice it would be to go to bed one night and not wake up. My concentration levels are pretty much null. And I am not pleased to admit this, but I really just don’t care about anyone else right now. People bitch to me about their problems and the whole time all I am thinking is, I don’t fucking care. And I feel terrible thinking that way! But I am so engulfed by my own miserableness that I can’t even pull myself away to care about anyone.
And I am really starting to get worried the closer I get to the holidays. The holidays always drag me down. And I am already feeling so low. How much lower can I possibly get without reaching the point of possibly doing something? I certainly don’t want to reach that point.
I am reading another book on OCD and the author states that many of his patients are relieved to find out that their disorder has a biological basis. It does not make me feel any better. It still gives no explanation as to why it happens. Certainly mental illness runs in my family. Like with the fucked up digestive systems, you’d be pretty hard pressed to find one woman in my family who does not have some type of depression. I don’t think anyone else, to my knowledge, has ever been diagnosed with OCD, although I think my aunt has signs of it. Namely hoarding.
I got really upset a couple weekends ago over something my sister said and it’s still bugging me. I haven’t confronted her on it, but I know the next time we get into a fight it more than likely will be brought up by yours truly. The thing with us is neither of us really has any friends, if any at all, so it’s just each other pretty much. And one night when I was feeling particularly down, I kept reminding myself of that. That we really only had each other and what would happen if I did something to myself? And then to have her stand there that night and tell me she wishes she could move far away a lot of times to get away from everyone was like a punch in the face. And then it makes me really start to question whether anyone would ever really care if I disappeared.
Almost every goddamn morning, I wake up early and then the scumbag brain kicks in. And just mentally and emotionally ASSAULTS me. There are so many times my brain starts running and I feel like I am not even controlling it anymore. It's like something else comes along and takes the controls. I have always had high levels of self-loathing, but I don't remember them ever being this bad. I just rip myself apart for everything. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, I do is ever good enough. My self-hating levels are pretty high right now over the fact that I am still not finished school and let's be honest here- even if I did finish school, I would just rip myself apart for taking so goddamn long. Every time I look in the mirror, all I notice is how bad my skin looks, yet I still can't stop playing with blackheads, and the damn Addison's fear is still not leaving so in addition to looking at the terrible state of my skin, I am also still looking for signs of skin darkening. I hate how my hair never looks nice, how I never look nice in anything I buy. I hate everything I buy and feel overwhelmingly guilty buying stuff. I am so tired of it!
And yet that is ALL I have been wanting to do. I have cried a little bit here and there ("It's Working" came up on my iPod the other night and I burst into tears. I have absolutely no idea why, except for maybe because I was hormonal). But all I have been wanting to do is loud, Niagara Falls type tearing cries. I think possibly the last time I felt depression as bad as I have been feeling was back in 2005 (and look where that got me right after New Years). And I don’t even think anyone in my family even realizes just how bad it is getting. I kind of gave up completely even talking to anyone in my family because if I do, I either 1) have it turned into a competition 2) no one takes me seriously 3) I am interrupted 4) the person isn’t really paying attention 5) the person gets angry at me or 6) the person I am talking to just fucking sucks to talk to.
It’s getting to the point that even I am starting to worry about myself. I’m not wanting to hurt myself or anything, although I am not going to deny that it does cross my mind that it would be nice to or how nice it would be to go to bed one night and not wake up. My concentration levels are pretty much null. And I am not pleased to admit this, but I really just don’t care about anyone else right now. People bitch to me about their problems and the whole time all I am thinking is, I don’t fucking care. And I feel terrible thinking that way! But I am so engulfed by my own miserableness that I can’t even pull myself away to care about anyone.
And I am really starting to get worried the closer I get to the holidays. The holidays always drag me down. And I am already feeling so low. How much lower can I possibly get without reaching the point of possibly doing something? I certainly don’t want to reach that point.
I am reading another book on OCD and the author states that many of his patients are relieved to find out that their disorder has a biological basis. It does not make me feel any better. It still gives no explanation as to why it happens. Certainly mental illness runs in my family. Like with the fucked up digestive systems, you’d be pretty hard pressed to find one woman in my family who does not have some type of depression. I don’t think anyone else, to my knowledge, has ever been diagnosed with OCD, although I think my aunt has signs of it. Namely hoarding.
I got really upset a couple weekends ago over something my sister said and it’s still bugging me. I haven’t confronted her on it, but I know the next time we get into a fight it more than likely will be brought up by yours truly. The thing with us is neither of us really has any friends, if any at all, so it’s just each other pretty much. And one night when I was feeling particularly down, I kept reminding myself of that. That we really only had each other and what would happen if I did something to myself? And then to have her stand there that night and tell me she wishes she could move far away a lot of times to get away from everyone was like a punch in the face. And then it makes me really start to question whether anyone would ever really care if I disappeared.
Almost every goddamn morning, I wake up early and then the scumbag brain kicks in. And just mentally and emotionally ASSAULTS me. There are so many times my brain starts running and I feel like I am not even controlling it anymore. It's like something else comes along and takes the controls. I have always had high levels of self-loathing, but I don't remember them ever being this bad. I just rip myself apart for everything. Nothing, absolutely NOTHING, I do is ever good enough. My self-hating levels are pretty high right now over the fact that I am still not finished school and let's be honest here- even if I did finish school, I would just rip myself apart for taking so goddamn long. Every time I look in the mirror, all I notice is how bad my skin looks, yet I still can't stop playing with blackheads, and the damn Addison's fear is still not leaving so in addition to looking at the terrible state of my skin, I am also still looking for signs of skin darkening. I hate how my hair never looks nice, how I never look nice in anything I buy. I hate everything I buy and feel overwhelmingly guilty buying stuff. I am so tired of it!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Video Of The Day
I know it's a little early, but *sniffles* it's so beautiful, I thought I'd share it early:
Sunday, November 13, 2011
A [Non] Angry, But Strongly Worded Letter To Local News Stations
Dear Local News Stations:
The Penn State story is horrible. I do not deny that.
However, having to talk about it for half the news broadcast every time the news is broadcasted is getting irritating. I do not really need to hear (or care to hear) about alumni opinions. Or their children's opinions of it. Or their children's children's opinions.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
The Penn State story is horrible. I do not deny that.
However, having to talk about it for half the news broadcast every time the news is broadcasted is getting irritating. I do not really need to hear (or care to hear) about alumni opinions. Or their children's opinions of it. Or their children's children's opinions.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Quote Of The Day
From this Cracked.com article:
You're browsing the Internet one day and your antivirus software alerts you to a threat. You easily avoid it, but seconds later that AV program pings you as you trawl the Web for torrents and Ukrainian warez. Who does this "Avg" guy think he is, judging you? With the righteous fury of the scorned, you disable active alerts and forget about it. A month later, your PC explodes and someone in Mexico steals your identity.
The WTF/Picture Of The Day
So I somehow ended up on MTV's webpage and I read this:
Beavis and Butthead
*small voice* The one episode I missed featured "It's Working"?
And while we are on the topic of them:
Oh No They Didn't! - mgmt @ the guggenheim 11/10/11
I would have given my left arm to go to that show.
Oh Andrew....that turtleneck. Only you.
Beavis and Butthead
*small voice* The one episode I missed featured "It's Working"?
And while we are on the topic of them:
Oh No They Didn't! - mgmt @ the guggenheim 11/10/11
I would have given my left arm to go to that show.
Oh Andrew....that turtleneck. Only you.
Random Thoughts
I come out to a fairly large stack of mail today, one of which is from the NJ LWD, one of which is from my dental insurance, and one from the COBRA service. The first is a letter that I have another reemployment orientation to attend this Thursday (it says to be expect to be there for three hours; watch- this time it really will). The second is just an EOB of the last two cavities I had filled. And the third is a payment slip for next month for COBRA.
I anticipated having to go back again to unemployment anyway, but I didn't expect to have to go one week later. It's kind of annoying, mostly because it's a pretty far drive and with the price of gas. I do really want to find out more about the training programs, though. I'd like to get something out of being unemployed. Something that can give me some kind of semi-career until I finish school. I need a job or I am going to absolutely lose my mind being home!
I expected the EOB to be coming in soon. What I didn't expect to see were two more charges on it for further work I was not aware I was having done while I was there (the only thing I was aware of was how much my face was hurting from having to keep my mouth open for so damn long. And that the dentist and assistant did a hell of a lot of talking. And we all know how it goes when you are at the dentist. They talk and then ask you questions and all you can answer with is blarggggghhhh). Apparently, my cavities were so deep I had to have indirect pulp caps. I don't even know how they were so bad. I never had any type of pain or anything back in that area (the two cavities were on the sides of both of my very back lower right molars).
And the payment slip for COBRA is annoying me. I sent my payment for this month not this past Friday, but the Friday before. And I am still seeing no payment posted. Where the fuck is my payment? It's almost the middle of November. I paid for the entire month and I am not even getting an entire month. And hell knows when it will finally be posted! What fucking bullshit.
And I don't even know how this damn plan is going to work out once I am finally reinstated again. Am I still going to get money put in my HRA fund? Is my deductible going to reset? WHAT?! I need to know all of this! And I send an email to HR, who told me they will help me with anything I need, and unshockingly, never got a response back. Either way, at this point, it seems like I am keeping COBRA for if anything catastrophic were to happen to me. (my plan has a $5,000 out of pocket maximum a year). It still appears that I am going to have to still feel like crap until I can get another health care plan. Let's just hope nothing happens until then.
I think it may have been starting a couple days before, since I recall the day that stupid earthquake hit being in the bathroom at work and I felt really weird and like I was going to pass out, but I am almost starting to believe that all of this really started to show the day before Irene hit. I was in work and I was chewing a piece of gum and I bit down in this one spot and felt this really bad pain in one of my upper left molars. And right after that, I started to feel really weird and finally I asked someone to take my blood pressure, which was shockingly normal. But the whole rest of the day I felt lightheaded and dizzy. Never felt the pain in my tooth again, but the lightheadedness and dizziness kept up from that point on. And whenever I chew in that spot, I can feel pressure building up on that side of my face in the sinus area and I get dizzier. I thought it before, and then kind of shyed away from it, but I am starting to really believe this is all sinus related. And unfortunately, I can't get anything checked until I can get proper medical.
I finally finished that book on OCD and it left me feeling pretty depressed. It was a very good book, very informative, and so many things hit the nail on the head. But I started thinking about how much I really and truly do want help, because I know that there isn't much I can go forward with in life until I get this stupid disorder under control. When I sit and really think about it, and thanks to some of the stuff I read in this book that I never realized was all part of OCD, I never realized just how much it impacts life. I did have some awareness that it was really impacting my life, but I just never realized how BIG of an impact it has. But then when I think about how much money would have to go out, between finding a proper therapist and everything else....it's simply not possible right now. Until I can get a better health care plan and/or health insurance companies stop being such dicks and start treating mental illness like any other fucking disease.
And I don't qualify for any type of assistance. So where does that leave me? Drug trials? Yeah, it's almost next to impossible to find OCD drug trials in my area. I have yet to find any. The very first time I went on an antidepressant was actually through a drug trial. And I don't really think it was necessarily a bad thing, but it was not really all that much of a help (obviously). My psychiatrist was pretty nice, probably one of the only few I had any success with. I mean, hell, she actually gave me the real drug and kept me as a patient long after it was supposed to end.
I anticipated having to go back again to unemployment anyway, but I didn't expect to have to go one week later. It's kind of annoying, mostly because it's a pretty far drive and with the price of gas. I do really want to find out more about the training programs, though. I'd like to get something out of being unemployed. Something that can give me some kind of semi-career until I finish school. I need a job or I am going to absolutely lose my mind being home!
I expected the EOB to be coming in soon. What I didn't expect to see were two more charges on it for further work I was not aware I was having done while I was there (the only thing I was aware of was how much my face was hurting from having to keep my mouth open for so damn long. And that the dentist and assistant did a hell of a lot of talking. And we all know how it goes when you are at the dentist. They talk and then ask you questions and all you can answer with is blarggggghhhh). Apparently, my cavities were so deep I had to have indirect pulp caps. I don't even know how they were so bad. I never had any type of pain or anything back in that area (the two cavities were on the sides of both of my very back lower right molars).
And the payment slip for COBRA is annoying me. I sent my payment for this month not this past Friday, but the Friday before. And I am still seeing no payment posted. Where the fuck is my payment? It's almost the middle of November. I paid for the entire month and I am not even getting an entire month. And hell knows when it will finally be posted! What fucking bullshit.
And I don't even know how this damn plan is going to work out once I am finally reinstated again. Am I still going to get money put in my HRA fund? Is my deductible going to reset? WHAT?! I need to know all of this! And I send an email to HR, who told me they will help me with anything I need, and unshockingly, never got a response back. Either way, at this point, it seems like I am keeping COBRA for if anything catastrophic were to happen to me. (my plan has a $5,000 out of pocket maximum a year). It still appears that I am going to have to still feel like crap until I can get another health care plan. Let's just hope nothing happens until then.
I think it may have been starting a couple days before, since I recall the day that stupid earthquake hit being in the bathroom at work and I felt really weird and like I was going to pass out, but I am almost starting to believe that all of this really started to show the day before Irene hit. I was in work and I was chewing a piece of gum and I bit down in this one spot and felt this really bad pain in one of my upper left molars. And right after that, I started to feel really weird and finally I asked someone to take my blood pressure, which was shockingly normal. But the whole rest of the day I felt lightheaded and dizzy. Never felt the pain in my tooth again, but the lightheadedness and dizziness kept up from that point on. And whenever I chew in that spot, I can feel pressure building up on that side of my face in the sinus area and I get dizzier. I thought it before, and then kind of shyed away from it, but I am starting to really believe this is all sinus related. And unfortunately, I can't get anything checked until I can get proper medical.
I finally finished that book on OCD and it left me feeling pretty depressed. It was a very good book, very informative, and so many things hit the nail on the head. But I started thinking about how much I really and truly do want help, because I know that there isn't much I can go forward with in life until I get this stupid disorder under control. When I sit and really think about it, and thanks to some of the stuff I read in this book that I never realized was all part of OCD, I never realized just how much it impacts life. I did have some awareness that it was really impacting my life, but I just never realized how BIG of an impact it has. But then when I think about how much money would have to go out, between finding a proper therapist and everything else....it's simply not possible right now. Until I can get a better health care plan and/or health insurance companies stop being such dicks and start treating mental illness like any other fucking disease.
And I don't qualify for any type of assistance. So where does that leave me? Drug trials? Yeah, it's almost next to impossible to find OCD drug trials in my area. I have yet to find any. The very first time I went on an antidepressant was actually through a drug trial. And I don't really think it was necessarily a bad thing, but it was not really all that much of a help (obviously). My psychiatrist was pretty nice, probably one of the only few I had any success with. I mean, hell, she actually gave me the real drug and kept me as a patient long after it was supposed to end.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The WTF Of The Day
Parents sue over blown call in hopes of N.M. playoff spot
They are suing? Really? Over football?
I don't know what is sadder in the legal world- the idiots that decide to file these lawsuits, or the lawyers that decide to take the cases on. I will never forget the one time in work we had a future patient who was suing his employer because he stood on an office chair WITH WHEELS to put something up and fell off and ended up getting hurt. Is simple physics really that difficult for people to understand? I know we certainly did not get the cream of the crop in there, but come on! And then one time there was some bitch who had about 15 claims against her employer over the stupidest shit, like walking in one day and the wind catching the door and yanking her arm back. Gee, I wasn't aware that employers could control the weather!
They are suing? Really? Over football?
I don't know what is sadder in the legal world- the idiots that decide to file these lawsuits, or the lawyers that decide to take the cases on. I will never forget the one time in work we had a future patient who was suing his employer because he stood on an office chair WITH WHEELS to put something up and fell off and ended up getting hurt. Is simple physics really that difficult for people to understand? I know we certainly did not get the cream of the crop in there, but come on! And then one time there was some bitch who had about 15 claims against her employer over the stupidest shit, like walking in one day and the wind catching the door and yanking her arm back. Gee, I wasn't aware that employers could control the weather!
Friday, November 11, 2011
The WTF Of The Day
Ashley, Mary-Kate Olsen Cover Vogue's Best Dressed Issue (PHOTOS)
Best dressed my ass. I am sitting here with ratty looking unstraightened hair and only wearing a bathrobe and I somehow still look better than any picture I have seen of them.
Best dressed my ass. I am sitting here with ratty looking unstraightened hair and only wearing a bathrobe and I somehow still look better than any picture I have seen of them.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Video Of The Day
I love this song SFM:
It's a little terrifying how much my dance moves to this mirrored his.
It's a little terrifying how much my dance moves to this mirrored his.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Random Thoughts
Warning- I am very, very hormonal right now, so I am probably going to sound very petty and say a lot of shit deep down I don't really mean. Possibly a small pity party will be throw in.
Well, my first visit to unemployment wasn't bad. It was informative. I was just a little annoyed because I anticipated being there two hours or more, so I woke up early to do some things and made a trip to Wawa for pumpkin coffee (have I mentioned how much I love that stuff? If not....I love it SFM). so I could stay somewhat alive during the orientation, and I ended up getting out after an hour. Not that I wanted to be there for two hours, but I could have slept a little longer and I probably would have not gotten into an argument with my mother on the way there. Naturally I don't think I was in the wrong but now she is being a real bitch and I am really hoping my sister calls me to hang out because I just can't deal with my mother today.
Actually I just have not had much patience with her at all lately. Love her to death but she is really starting to try my patience. Can't be bothered listening to my complaints, but does nothing but bitch and bitch and bitch about hers. Or does listen to my complaints and has to always make some comparison to hers. I can't ever just once complain about feeling uncomfortable and bloated without having to have her lift up her shirt and say something like "try having a big stomach like this". You don't want a big stomach? Here's an idea. Actually a couple- stop buying so much fucking junk food, consume MORE calories (I doubt my mom clears 1200 calories a day), and knock off the 15 plus hours of sitting on your ass and watching the fucking TV.
I swear, I have never seen two people watch so much TV in my life as my parents.
If I mention anything about being stressed, then it's try being as stressed as she is having to wake up to my father every day. I can never make one complaint without her having to somehow outdo me with the same complaint. It's incredibly annoying. I just want someone to talk to! Not a fucking competition on who's life is more stressed or more miserable!
And there is always the only she can ever complain about things. Just like with her ailments, she does nothing but bitch and bitch and bitch about my father, but the second I make one negative comment about him, she is right there defending him (this was the reasoning behind the argument this morning). And for someone that hates him so much and claims she doesn't want to talk to him, she sure in hell does talk to him a lot. Even one time my sister was over, she was in my bedroom with me and she made a comment about her doing a lot of talking to him.
And she still will bend over backwards for him. My grandparents are the same way. They give us all a $100 every year for Christmas and they still wanted to give my father his this year. Despite the fact that he leaves every time they come over and now we are at the point that my grandparents aren't even coming over because they feel so unwelcome in the house. It's great that they still want to be the better person and all, but my god, there is a fucking limit!
And speaking of not wanting to deal with shit, I received a bill for my blood work I had done in October and I open it and they are telling me the claim could not be processed. The bill was for $766. I almost had a heart attack. So I call to find out what the hell is going on and here they had the wrong ID number or something. Gee, what a shocker. The last time I had lab work I was billed because they were trying to bill under my old insurance.
But even so, I only had a small amount of money left in my HRA fund, plus I still owed $500 towards my deductible, so I am still going to owe a lot of money. I want to scream so bad. I knew a Lyme disease test was probably going to be a pretty penny, but I didn't anticipate almost $500. And I did not realize I was not only having my TSH levels tested, but the free T-4 levels as well, so what I anticipated costing a little over $100 was actually almost $220. At the time I was only really concerned with getting my glucose (77), sodium (138 on a scale of 135-145), and potassium (3.8 on a scale of 3.5-5.2) levels tested, so I probably should have just refused the TSH and Lyme disease tests. But I don't like to be too noncompliant with doctors.
Oh and as expected, my eye doctor visit went fine. Nothing wrong with my retinas. Just $100 less in my wallet. This is exactly why this has to stop. Or I am going to go broke. Not to mention the physical and emotional toll it is taking on my body. Like I said once before, if I keep stressing that there is something seriously wrong with me, eventually there really will be.
I am reading a book on OCD called Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders: A Complete Guide To Getting Well and Staying Well and the author (Fred Penzel, Ph.D) states this:
Nice to see my WA has been on Facebook for a while now. Nice to also see her friend post part of a transcript on Facebook as well. No names or anything were given, but um, hello. You don't post something like that on Facebook. That is still information that should be private. No wonder them two get along so well. They are nice people, but Jesus, they are both stupid as hell.
Actually nice is questionable. Neither of them, except for that one time with my WA telling me she was doing my job, has made any contact with me since my last day at work. I mean, I know I am a narcissitic bitch, but I would expect people who claim to be my friend that they would at least check in on how I am doing, especially since the both of them seen me almost have a mental breakdown at the end of the day the Wednesday of that week (I felt so lousy and was so anxious over getting my bloodwork results and I couldn't check my blood pressure and I had already spent about a good 15 minutes analyzing my skin and my anxiety just kept building until I just lost it after one of them asked me what was wrong. If anyone ever wants to be mean and deliberately make me cry, and I am clearly upset about something, just ask me what if something is wrong, and I guarantee you will get waterworks. Especially if you are my mom!).
Sometimes I wonder if I were to ever disappear, if anyone would even care. Or even notice.
Well, my first visit to unemployment wasn't bad. It was informative. I was just a little annoyed because I anticipated being there two hours or more, so I woke up early to do some things and made a trip to Wawa for pumpkin coffee (have I mentioned how much I love that stuff? If not....I love it SFM). so I could stay somewhat alive during the orientation, and I ended up getting out after an hour. Not that I wanted to be there for two hours, but I could have slept a little longer and I probably would have not gotten into an argument with my mother on the way there. Naturally I don't think I was in the wrong but now she is being a real bitch and I am really hoping my sister calls me to hang out because I just can't deal with my mother today.
Actually I just have not had much patience with her at all lately. Love her to death but she is really starting to try my patience. Can't be bothered listening to my complaints, but does nothing but bitch and bitch and bitch about hers. Or does listen to my complaints and has to always make some comparison to hers. I can't ever just once complain about feeling uncomfortable and bloated without having to have her lift up her shirt and say something like "try having a big stomach like this". You don't want a big stomach? Here's an idea. Actually a couple- stop buying so much fucking junk food, consume MORE calories (I doubt my mom clears 1200 calories a day), and knock off the 15 plus hours of sitting on your ass and watching the fucking TV.
I swear, I have never seen two people watch so much TV in my life as my parents.
If I mention anything about being stressed, then it's try being as stressed as she is having to wake up to my father every day. I can never make one complaint without her having to somehow outdo me with the same complaint. It's incredibly annoying. I just want someone to talk to! Not a fucking competition on who's life is more stressed or more miserable!
And there is always the only she can ever complain about things. Just like with her ailments, she does nothing but bitch and bitch and bitch about my father, but the second I make one negative comment about him, she is right there defending him (this was the reasoning behind the argument this morning). And for someone that hates him so much and claims she doesn't want to talk to him, she sure in hell does talk to him a lot. Even one time my sister was over, she was in my bedroom with me and she made a comment about her doing a lot of talking to him.
And she still will bend over backwards for him. My grandparents are the same way. They give us all a $100 every year for Christmas and they still wanted to give my father his this year. Despite the fact that he leaves every time they come over and now we are at the point that my grandparents aren't even coming over because they feel so unwelcome in the house. It's great that they still want to be the better person and all, but my god, there is a fucking limit!
And speaking of not wanting to deal with shit, I received a bill for my blood work I had done in October and I open it and they are telling me the claim could not be processed. The bill was for $766. I almost had a heart attack. So I call to find out what the hell is going on and here they had the wrong ID number or something. Gee, what a shocker. The last time I had lab work I was billed because they were trying to bill under my old insurance.
But even so, I only had a small amount of money left in my HRA fund, plus I still owed $500 towards my deductible, so I am still going to owe a lot of money. I want to scream so bad. I knew a Lyme disease test was probably going to be a pretty penny, but I didn't anticipate almost $500. And I did not realize I was not only having my TSH levels tested, but the free T-4 levels as well, so what I anticipated costing a little over $100 was actually almost $220. At the time I was only really concerned with getting my glucose (77), sodium (138 on a scale of 135-145), and potassium (3.8 on a scale of 3.5-5.2) levels tested, so I probably should have just refused the TSH and Lyme disease tests. But I don't like to be too noncompliant with doctors.
Oh and as expected, my eye doctor visit went fine. Nothing wrong with my retinas. Just $100 less in my wallet. This is exactly why this has to stop. Or I am going to go broke. Not to mention the physical and emotional toll it is taking on my body. Like I said once before, if I keep stressing that there is something seriously wrong with me, eventually there really will be.
I am reading a book on OCD called Obsessive-Compulsive Disorders: A Complete Guide To Getting Well and Staying Well and the author (Fred Penzel, Ph.D) states this:
OCSDS sufferers can become self-centered, inwardly focused, and withdrawn from the lives and needs of othersAnd you know what? He is absolutely right.
Nice to see my WA has been on Facebook for a while now. Nice to also see her friend post part of a transcript on Facebook as well. No names or anything were given, but um, hello. You don't post something like that on Facebook. That is still information that should be private. No wonder them two get along so well. They are nice people, but Jesus, they are both stupid as hell.
Actually nice is questionable. Neither of them, except for that one time with my WA telling me she was doing my job, has made any contact with me since my last day at work. I mean, I know I am a narcissitic bitch, but I would expect people who claim to be my friend that they would at least check in on how I am doing, especially since the both of them seen me almost have a mental breakdown at the end of the day the Wednesday of that week (I felt so lousy and was so anxious over getting my bloodwork results and I couldn't check my blood pressure and I had already spent about a good 15 minutes analyzing my skin and my anxiety just kept building until I just lost it after one of them asked me what was wrong. If anyone ever wants to be mean and deliberately make me cry, and I am clearly upset about something, just ask me what if something is wrong, and I guarantee you will get waterworks. Especially if you are my mom!).
Sometimes I wonder if I were to ever disappear, if anyone would even care. Or even notice.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Video Of The Day
I previously bitched about it, but I have heard it a couple times on the Alternative Music channel on Music Choice and kind of started to really like it:
I still do prefer Peter Schilling's version, though. That song got me through a lot of shit when I was in tenth grade (about the time I started to probably show signs of just how fucking nuts I was, after getting into a car accident for the first time and becoming unhealthily terrified of paralysis). I don't really know how the song correlated to anything, but I remember many nights laying on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out with that song playing on my CD player:
I still do prefer Peter Schilling's version, though. That song got me through a lot of shit when I was in tenth grade (about the time I started to probably show signs of just how fucking nuts I was, after getting into a car accident for the first time and becoming unhealthily terrified of paralysis). I don't really know how the song correlated to anything, but I remember many nights laying on the bathroom floor bawling my eyes out with that song playing on my CD player:
Monday, November 7, 2011
A Fourth Angry Letter To The American Media
Dear American Media:
Please do not put any more headlines about Lindsay Blohan unless they are "Lindsay Lohan Found Dead of Drug OD". I'm not kidding. I really hope to see that headline one day.
Also, someone please tell her enough with the Marilyn Monroe schtick. It's nauseating enough with practically every bitch trying to emulate her, but it's a million times worse with her. Unless she eventually meets the same fate as Marilyn.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Please do not put any more headlines about Lindsay Blohan unless they are "Lindsay Lohan Found Dead of Drug OD". I'm not kidding. I really hope to see that headline one day.
Also, someone please tell her enough with the Marilyn Monroe schtick. It's nauseating enough with practically every bitch trying to emulate her, but it's a million times worse with her. Unless she eventually meets the same fate as Marilyn.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Random Thoughts
Oh insomnia, how I hate you.
Since I have been laid off, I have had to deal with what I call "scumbag brain" (thanks, Memebase) almost every morning. I wake up for no reason and then my mind starts running and eventually it turns into an analysis (and extremely crtitical) of my life. The typical you can't do anything right, you're a failure, nothing can change that, etc. And I can't go back to sleep.
It almost makes me sad how much self-loathing I have.
I'm pretty exhausted right now but I know if I climb into bed, I am going to get "scumbag brain" because I am anxious about going to the eye doctor later on. Right now all I see are the goddamn floaters while I am trying to type and it's aggravating and stressing me out. They have been bad for a while, probably since long before I worried the last time, but whether they are actually worse or not is beyond me. I've kind of grown accustomed to them over the years.
So instead I am up, on here, with some corny ass Lifetime Movie movie on called Girl Fight. It's some movie based on that real life story about those girls that beat the crap out of another girl and posted it online. I hate movies like this. They always make my blood boil. And make me definitely not ever want kids. If I saw my child getting the ever loving crap beat out of them on the internet, I don't know what I would do. I am sure it would involve assault of some sort, though.
And the other thing that annoys me about this movie is not only is practically everyone a terrible actor, but these girls are some ugly ass bitches. Good god. Especially the Alexa chick and the blonde one with the fat face that did the bulk of the beating. They all looked like they were beaten as badly as Haley with an ugly stick. And listening to Alexa constantly whine that she didn't touch her she didn't do anything wrong was nauseating. Not the point, bitch.
And I already know the ending of the movie from the IMDB forums and....really???!!
I also am already dreading having to go up to unemployment for the first time this week. And I am NOT looking forward to it! I've heard some stories, man!
I never get these people. If it weren't for us, they'd have no fucking jobs!
Anyway, there does exist a picture showing the actual full buttocks, and I have seen it, and it was good, but I can't seem to find it. So instead....this:
1zwkkzb.jpg (JPEG Image, 400x300 pixels)
ETA 11/16: FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMFG I am blushing something fierce looking at that. I just can't with him! I cannot fantasize sexually about him! I try and my brain pretty much gives me a system error! Don't get me wrong....if given the chance, OH!!!!!!! The things I would let him do to me! But if I try to picture it, I can't! I feel like a dirty old pervert, even though he is older than me!
Also, here is a picture where he has that look. That look of being up to no good. Everyone else looks like they are behaving. Well, maybe except for Ben. I don't know what he is doing there, but it's sexfully hysterical. But Andrew? That's some shady side eye there. He almost has that SOON look. What'd you do or are planning to do there, Andrew?!
Ugh, it does not help that "Sex On Fire" just came on the radio!
Since I have been laid off, I have had to deal with what I call "scumbag brain" (thanks, Memebase) almost every morning. I wake up for no reason and then my mind starts running and eventually it turns into an analysis (and extremely crtitical) of my life. The typical you can't do anything right, you're a failure, nothing can change that, etc. And I can't go back to sleep.
It almost makes me sad how much self-loathing I have.
I'm pretty exhausted right now but I know if I climb into bed, I am going to get "scumbag brain" because I am anxious about going to the eye doctor later on. Right now all I see are the goddamn floaters while I am trying to type and it's aggravating and stressing me out. They have been bad for a while, probably since long before I worried the last time, but whether they are actually worse or not is beyond me. I've kind of grown accustomed to them over the years.
So instead I am up, on here, with some corny ass Lifetime Movie movie on called Girl Fight. It's some movie based on that real life story about those girls that beat the crap out of another girl and posted it online. I hate movies like this. They always make my blood boil. And make me definitely not ever want kids. If I saw my child getting the ever loving crap beat out of them on the internet, I don't know what I would do. I am sure it would involve assault of some sort, though.
And the other thing that annoys me about this movie is not only is practically everyone a terrible actor, but these girls are some ugly ass bitches. Good god. Especially the Alexa chick and the blonde one with the fat face that did the bulk of the beating. They all looked like they were beaten as badly as Haley with an ugly stick. And listening to Alexa constantly whine that she didn't touch her she didn't do anything wrong was nauseating. Not the point, bitch.
And I already know the ending of the movie from the IMDB forums and....really???!!
I also am already dreading having to go up to unemployment for the first time this week. And I am NOT looking forward to it! I've heard some stories, man!
I never get these people. If it weren't for us, they'd have no fucking jobs!
Anyway, there does exist a picture showing the actual full buttocks, and I have seen it, and it was good, but I can't seem to find it. So instead....this:
1zwkkzb.jpg (JPEG Image, 400x300 pixels)
ETA 11/16: FOUND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMFG I am blushing something fierce looking at that. I just can't with him! I cannot fantasize sexually about him! I try and my brain pretty much gives me a system error! Don't get me wrong....if given the chance, OH!!!!!!! The things I would let him do to me! But if I try to picture it, I can't! I feel like a dirty old pervert, even though he is older than me!
Also, here is a picture where he has that look. That look of being up to no good. Everyone else looks like they are behaving. Well, maybe except for Ben. I don't know what he is doing there, but it's sexfully hysterical. But Andrew? That's some shady side eye there. He almost has that SOON look. What'd you do or are planning to do there, Andrew?!
Ugh, it does not help that "Sex On Fire" just came on the radio!
Sunday, November 6, 2011
An Angry Letter To Facebook Users
Dear Facebook Users:
Look, there are probably hundreds of things I could bitch at you all about, but this one really eats at me. If you are going to post statuses with vague whining like "I don't know how much more I can take" and people ask you what is the matter, either spill what is bugging you or STFU. Stop wasting everyone's time with "I don't want to talk about it" or something of a similar nature because hello, you posted it on Facebook. You obviously are in dire need of wanting attention.
I'm looking at you, WA.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Look, there are probably hundreds of things I could bitch at you all about, but this one really eats at me. If you are going to post statuses with vague whining like "I don't know how much more I can take" and people ask you what is the matter, either spill what is bugging you or STFU. Stop wasting everyone's time with "I don't want to talk about it" or something of a similar nature because hello, you posted it on Facebook. You obviously are in dire need of wanting attention.
I'm looking at you, WA.
Sincerely,
S-Cubed
Friday, November 4, 2011
Picture Of The Day
I initially wanted that picture on a T-shirt for work, but now I want one just in general. Especially when people bitch to me about their health ailments. Then I can just point to my shirt. Yes, I know I sound like a bratty little child (although I suspect hormones have a hand in this), but if no one wants to give a fuck about mine, why should I have to give a fuck about theirs?
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Take This Disorder And Shove It
It just is not stopping.
Let's run through the list one more time- since May, I have gone from general foot stress fracture to navicular stress fracture to meningococcemia to tooth abscess to Addison's disease. Well, that last one still hasn't gone away yet. Every time I start to think it is, something will happen that makes me doubt it. I am still climbing up onto my bathroom counter in my underwear with a handheld mirror and inspecting different areas of my body in front of the big mirror.
So what is it now? Oh not a new one. Something that I had before- a retinal detachment. And just like most of the others, I have no idea what specifically started it. It may have just been one time I was sitting in front of the computer and saw a couple flashes of light in my right eye. And since then, I have been seeing them. And the sad thing is, I am not even sure if I really am.
And of course, now I am noticing my stupid eye floaters more and it has me wondering if I am actually seeing more or if they have worsened in darkness or if it's all just my imagination. I have them in both eyes pretty badly and they all mostly come up near the nasal area. If I cross my eyes, I can see them off in the distance. And some of them are a good half inch in length. One of the ones in my left eye has a big dark center and about three arms. It looks like an alien!
And noticing them more is making me do crazy shit when I try to read stuff, as well as constantly trying to follow the stupid little buggers, and I think I am badly straining my eyes due to it, because they have been feeling very irritated, although no redness. Predictably enough, that only makes me worry more that it could be a detachment, in spite of the fact that pretty much all of the material I have read say retinal detachments are painless.
And like the other fears, there is stuff I have to do all day to try and [very unsuccessfully] get rid of the anxiety. I have to keep covering one eye or the other to see if my vision is the same. Freak out at the slightest sign of abnormalcy. I try to do stuff to distract myself and all I see are the damn floaters and I lose any concentration I might have had and can only focus on them. Even now, typing this, they are all I see. The white background makes it so much worse. It's frustrating.
I also happen to have freakishly long eye lashes that tend to tangle in one another and sometimes I think some of the stuff I see is them untangling. Again, I do not know.
I am so done with this shit. I really can't take it anymore. And I am getting close to that time of the month coming and if it's anything like last month, it made the OCD flare up really bad. I am dreading it coming because if I have to go through anxiety like I did last time, God knows what I may do. Because I am in kind of a worst situation than I was last month.
The semi-good news (not for my wallet) is I did decide to go with COBRA for a little bit, which means I should be able to visit the gynocologist this month (even better news- it's a preventive service, so it will be covered 100% by my insurance) and I probably should bring it up to my doctor, although she may try to push birth control on me, which I refuse to take unless I am using it for it's purpose. My mother and my sister both swear I have PMDD. I am sure you can all guess what my response usually is to that. Although I am starting to wonder.
All I know is I am tired of this OCD and I am tired of not feeling well and not knowing why. And every time I think the vertigo is gone for good, it comes back, as well as some other things.
Let's run through the list one more time- since May, I have gone from general foot stress fracture to navicular stress fracture to meningococcemia to tooth abscess to Addison's disease. Well, that last one still hasn't gone away yet. Every time I start to think it is, something will happen that makes me doubt it. I am still climbing up onto my bathroom counter in my underwear with a handheld mirror and inspecting different areas of my body in front of the big mirror.
So what is it now? Oh not a new one. Something that I had before- a retinal detachment. And just like most of the others, I have no idea what specifically started it. It may have just been one time I was sitting in front of the computer and saw a couple flashes of light in my right eye. And since then, I have been seeing them. And the sad thing is, I am not even sure if I really am.
And of course, now I am noticing my stupid eye floaters more and it has me wondering if I am actually seeing more or if they have worsened in darkness or if it's all just my imagination. I have them in both eyes pretty badly and they all mostly come up near the nasal area. If I cross my eyes, I can see them off in the distance. And some of them are a good half inch in length. One of the ones in my left eye has a big dark center and about three arms. It looks like an alien!
And noticing them more is making me do crazy shit when I try to read stuff, as well as constantly trying to follow the stupid little buggers, and I think I am badly straining my eyes due to it, because they have been feeling very irritated, although no redness. Predictably enough, that only makes me worry more that it could be a detachment, in spite of the fact that pretty much all of the material I have read say retinal detachments are painless.
And like the other fears, there is stuff I have to do all day to try and [very unsuccessfully] get rid of the anxiety. I have to keep covering one eye or the other to see if my vision is the same. Freak out at the slightest sign of abnormalcy. I try to do stuff to distract myself and all I see are the damn floaters and I lose any concentration I might have had and can only focus on them. Even now, typing this, they are all I see. The white background makes it so much worse. It's frustrating.
I also happen to have freakishly long eye lashes that tend to tangle in one another and sometimes I think some of the stuff I see is them untangling. Again, I do not know.
I am so done with this shit. I really can't take it anymore. And I am getting close to that time of the month coming and if it's anything like last month, it made the OCD flare up really bad. I am dreading it coming because if I have to go through anxiety like I did last time, God knows what I may do. Because I am in kind of a worst situation than I was last month.
The semi-good news (not for my wallet) is I did decide to go with COBRA for a little bit, which means I should be able to visit the gynocologist this month (even better news- it's a preventive service, so it will be covered 100% by my insurance) and I probably should bring it up to my doctor, although she may try to push birth control on me, which I refuse to take unless I am using it for it's purpose. My mother and my sister both swear I have PMDD. I am sure you can all guess what my response usually is to that. Although I am starting to wonder.
All I know is I am tired of this OCD and I am tired of not feeling well and not knowing why. And every time I think the vertigo is gone for good, it comes back, as well as some other things.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
The Awesome Of The Day
Like you didn't see it coming!
Oh No They Didn't! - MGMT Halloween Poast
I briefed over the comment section earlier and this exchange had me laughing hysterically:
I am feeling pretty miserable and stressed, since it's the last day of having health insurance unless I decide to go with COBRA, so I think I am going to say the hell with my diet right now (even though I have pretty much said that the past few days) and I am going to go get a pumpkin pie Blizzard! One last hurrah with one since I will have to wait another year to get one.
HAPPY HALLOW-HEEN EVERYONE!!!!
Oh No They Didn't! - MGMT Halloween Poast
I briefed over the comment section earlier and this exchange had me laughing hysterically:
nice wigI don't know why, but there is still something that makes me giggle at your mom jokes. And at that first picture of Andrew. He looks like a woman in the midst of a mind-blowing orgasm.
what's it made of?
YOUR MOMS CHEST HAIR
I am feeling pretty miserable and stressed, since it's the last day of having health insurance unless I decide to go with COBRA, so I think I am going to say the hell with my diet right now (even though I have pretty much said that the past few days) and I am going to go get a pumpkin pie Blizzard! One last hurrah with one since I will have to wait another year to get one.
HAPPY HALLOW-HEEN EVERYONE!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
