Random Thoughts

Doing good so far. The past two days I have had to, with much difficulty, restrain from taking my blood pressure so much. Normal was around five times a day, much more on a particularly bad day. Wednesday I took it three times. Thursday, I managed to cut down to two times. If I can get down to once a day, it would be great. It may be a long time before that happens though.

I have also not been spending as much time in front of the mirror. I still have to look whenever I go by one, though, and whenever I am watching TV, or just standing around, I start to find myself pulling my sleeves or pant legs up and looking over areas. Also another compulsion that I hope to diminish, but will probably not go away for a while.

While I would not want to resort to it, I have seriously considered applying for disability. Not as something for the rest of my life like some people, but just until I can get this goddamn disorder under control. When I sit and think how much fixing I need, it seems like it would be something that would pretty much be a full time job. My mind needs a lot of fixing and until it gets fixed somewhat, there is not much I can really go forward with.

I can't finish school because the need to be absolutely perfect gets so overwhelming I end up getting stressed out and ultimately burned out. It should not be the end of the world to get less than 100% on my work. But to me it is. I have gotten 98% on exams and spent hours belittling and beating myself up over it. When I take tests or do homework, I have to check over my answers repeatedly to make sure I didn't fill in or circle the wrong answer and even after 5 or more times of going over them, I still feel less than confident when I am handing them in.

Relationships? Completely out of the question right now. My self-esteem and self-worth are so low, that being in a relationship with me would be a complete and utter nightmare. All I would do is question why the person is with me and that I am not good enough for him and it would just be one big tumultuous mountain of insecurity. And the fact that I just turned 28 years old and have yet to ever have a relationship, first kiss, or sex just makes my insecurity even worse. I dread my first relationship because having to admit that all is going to be extremely embarrassing. I hope to God I find someone who will be understanding enough of it.

But back to the disability, it's certainly not something I would do, but it would leave me to be able to focus completely on getting myself back together. And I would certainly not be on it forever. The only problem is that it takes so fucking long to get an answer!

And you know what the funny part is? SSD takes their good old time approving or denying applicants, but when they demand medical records, they want them yesterday. I did records requests at my old job and used to get requests from the state and hand to God, within a week of the first request letter, a second request letter would come demanding to know where the records are. They take like 400 years to respond to applicants! What's the big rush?!

I don't understand government workers. Why in the hell does it take them so goddamn long to do anything? The last time I went to the 7th level of hell known as the DMV, it took so long for the fat ass bitch to take my picture and give me my new license, I was about to climb over the counter and do the damn job myself. It would have taken me 1/3 of the time.

On to a new subject- New Years Eve is coming up. Huzzah. I am not excited by any means. I dread when that fucking ball drops, because I just know I am going to end up in tears like pretty much every other New Years, with the exception of last year when I was apparently going through some kind of manic phase. I don't even bother with resolutions anymore. Well, last year I made one to floss my teeth more. But none of the exercise more or lose weight or anything like that. I faithfully work out 5 days a week and I have already lost the weight I needed to.

My sister is semi-friends with a former co-worker who is apparently going to be on some upcoming weight loss show. And this person told my sister what they do to lose weight and my jaw almost hit the floor when she told me what they do. It is so unbelievably unhealthy. When are people going to learn that rapid weight loss generally always leads to weight gain? Not that you can't gain it even losing slowly, but this show's methods are just unsafe. It's amazing no one ever drops dead on those shows with the methods they use. You can't starve your body.

Do you know how long it has taken me to lose 60 pounds? Four years. Four freaking years. I started in April of 2007 and I don't think it was until about March or April of this year, maybe a little before that, when I finally saw that scale hit 120 pounds for the first time. It's been a long, extremely slow weight loss and so far I have been doing okay with maintaining. It does take work, though. A lot of work. We have candy and cookies galore in the house and I can't tell you how bad I just want to sit down and plow through it all. And this year, I finally discovered the genius behind ham on snowflake rolls and a monster has been created. It's soooo good!