Random Thoughts

Well, five days into December and I still have not gained a single ounce of Christmas spirit. I am not feeling quite as bad as I did after Thanksgiving, but I am still lacking it big time.

I have an appointment with my usual doctor next Wednesday and I don't know what is going to happen, but something needs to happen. I can't go on like this anymore. I don't know what is going to happen with getting medicine, because I really and truly do not want to go back on it. And I'll admit it the main reason why I don't want to- the weight gain. Body image is a HUGE part of my problem and any weight gain is going to cancel outany of the benefits of the drug.

And the one drug I want to try again seems pretty likely to cause weight gain. I think my weight stayed pretty stable when I was on Prozac before, but I do remember it being very difficult to try to lose weight and if I overate even a little too much, my pants got tighter. I don't recall gaining significant, if any, weight with any of the antidepressants I was on, just the antipsychotics. Ten pounds within a week of 5 mg of Abilify, 15 pounds after 2 weeks of 100 mg Seroquel- all without any diet change. But when I dropped back to 50 mg of Seroquel, it came off in no time. As long as I stayed at 50 mg, I was fine. Any higher- BAM! Weight gain.

As for getting to the bottom of the Addison's fear, I don't know what is going to happen with that either. I don't like giving in, but I need to know whether I am okay or not. And the sad thing is, if I hinted to have a test done, my doctor would probably give right into me. Thanks, malpractice (I'm being sarcastic, by the way).

There's times I can look in the mirror and think I look okay, and then other times I look, see something abnormal to me, and freak out. My mother keeps insisting I look no different than normal. I have been taking my blood pressure several times a day and it always seems to be above the 90/60 mark (which is what Mayo Clinic considers hypotension). The lowest I have seen the top number was 101 and a couple times, the bottom fell below the 60 mark, one of those times I stupidly took it after a really hot bath. But I flipped out, of course.

Out of curiosity (and taking it all with a grain of salt because what do I know?), I have tried a couple times of taking my blood pressure sitting down and then taking it when I got up, and within a few minutes. All times, the numbers were lower on the first taking after getting up, but maybe within a 5 point difference at the most and raised a little after the few minutes. My pulse seemed to shoot up some, but that may be due to anxiety over what the results will be.

Now earlier, I tried something a little different. After lying down for a little bit, I took it and it was 124/69 with a pulse of 100. Then I stood up and took it and was surprised to get 128/77 with a pulse of 115. So that would indicate that maybe I do not have orthostatic hypotension. And last night I took it after getting up off the couch (the time I seem to experience lightheadedness the most after getting up is when I am sitting on the living room couch with my legs up) and it was 110/69. So if my numbers are normal and not falling, then why in the hell do I feel so lightheaded when I get up sometimes? I don't understand it. Anxiety? I can always feel my heart racing when I have to get up. Maybe my doctor will do a [more reliable] test.

On another note, I broke down and had my first cup of coffee since last Sunday (the 27th) because I just can't take it anymore, since due to stopping coffee, other parts of my body have decided they feel they deserve a much needed vacation as well. Well, the coffee didn't help. And instead, it has made me very jittery (I seem to have a very low tolerance for coffee sometimes; I can drink glass after glass of soda and feel fine, yet have one cup of coffee and feel like tearing my skin off). And surprisingly, I found I did not miss the taste of coffee at all.

I just miss its other effect! Goddamn scumbag stomach. It doesn't help that I also started taking multi-vitamins, with 100% of my daily value of iron. And the past week, those orange horse pills have nearly torn a hole in my stomach. I have been nauseous and have had heartburn through the roof and I assume the blame is pretty much all on the vitamins, because none of it started until I started taking them. Yesterday was the first day I did not feel nauseous and have heartburn, so maybe my body is FINALLY starting to adjust to the vitamins.

I'm going to be going to New York City this week and I am not looking forward to it by any means. NYC plus sky high anxiety levels is not a good combination. I don't want to go. My family pulls shit like this all the time. They decide they want to do something, I never agree to going because generally I don't want to go, and next thing I know I have to pay for a ticket to do something I don't even want to do. My sister got my mom tickets for her birthday one year to see Cher. I didn't want to go. But she went and brought me a ticket and I had to pay $80 for a ticket to see a show I didn't even want to fucking go to!

Same thing with this- I NEVER said I wanted to go with them, yet next thing I know an envelope comes in the mail for the bus tour and I am expected to shell out for a $115 ticket for a bus trip to NYC to see the Christmas show at Radio City. And I am pissed.