Blech

I am really, REALLY not looking forward to going back to work. I think what is making it worse is 1)  with the exception of New Years Eve everyone is going to be in the office, 2) the holiday party on Wednesday, and 3) Christmas is over.

And where in the sam hell is my period???

Random Thoughts

Four days down of break, one more to go. And then it's back to work on Tuesday. Ugh. I am really not looking forward to going after being off for so long. Especially because Wednesday is when we're having our stupid holiday party at work and I am not looking forward to that either. And we're supposed to do something called a white elephant Pollyanna and thank god it's optional, because frankly it sounds incredibly dumb to me.

I know, I know, I am such a grouch, right? Guilty as charged.

Right now I just loathe my coworkers so much. And I can't stand how tight they have gotten with the new manager. Every time they go out on smoke breaks, she goes out with them. And I'm sorry but I really do not think that is appropriate for a manager to do. But once again we have another manager who has no cojones and just wants to be everyone's BFF.

And Ms. Hail to the V....that ginger-headed bitch is really and truly starting to get under my skin. Whenever she comes on, she says nothing. No good morning, no anything. Just comes in straight to her desk and sits down. Everyone else says good morning to her, but I just ignore her. I used to waste my breath saying good morning but after so long I just said the hell with her. She wants to be a rude ass bitch, then fuck her. And I don't want to hear the excuse she is "awkward". I'm awkward as fuck and I still make an effort to have some manners even though it's the last thing I want to do. Besides, she made 2 babies with men, she can't be that fucking awkward.

Sometimes I wonder if she still holds something against me for coming in with my nephew on the same day she brought her son in back in 2013, before I was hired back. And if so, she needs to get over it. I didn't work there, I had no idea that she had a baby or that she was going to bring her Opie from Family Guy-looking alien in the same day I decided to bring my nephew in.

And the one day I mentioned to my FWA about my back bothering me (it's been bothering me a lot lately) and she said something about hers bothering her (of course it does) and how her daughter massaged it for her. I felt like saying JFC does every goddamn topic have to involve your daughter? I don't give a flying fuck about her daughter!

God I am so freaking grouchy right now. My period is late (no, I'm not pregnant), I'm starting to feel the post-Christmas blues, I ate way too much the past few days, and I'm just cranky.

Merry Freaking Christmas!

There better not be one lie in this tweet:

Happy bday jesus . Merry holidays everyone. Happy birthday, everyone: 2016 is the year MGMT re-dominates your mind hole , see you then 💖

— MGMT (@whoisMGMT) December 25, 2015

Random Thoughts

Merry early Christmas! It's currently 70 degrees right now in my neck of the woods. WTF?

Yesterday we had a cake in work for my birthday. Someone asked the MOB if she wanted a piece and she goes "no it looks too sweet" (it was vanilla cake with buttercream). And she said it a couple more times. And then starts saying how she doesn't like vanilla icing, blah blah blah. I just walked away when she started with that. I felt like saying to her "First off, last I checked, it's not your birthday. Second, we don't need to hear your opinion on everything. And last, do you have to be so fucking negative about everything?". Like just say no thank you and STFU.

I know I can be a miserable person but JFC, her negativity just sucks the life and fun out of everything. She's like a fucking Dementor. We had Christmas music on on Monday and she did nothing but nonstop bitch about it. Despite saying she doesn't care what is on, but that she can tune the music out. So then tune it out and STFU.

I always have to laugh how she looks down at music and top 40 radio (which I am guilty of myself but never mind that). Bitch, you're a fucking Linkin Park fan. Take several seats.

Random Thoughts

So now we're back to normal chilly weather (it's in the 40's right now) and come my birthday it's going to be in the 60's and about 70 on Christmas Eve. What is this weather? Kind of makes me nervous for when spring comes. I hope it doesn't mean an increase in severe weather.

My FWA is whining on Facebook because her brat is sick. Again. I swear, every person I know who has breastfed, their kids are constantly sick. What happened to "breast is best"? My nephew wasn't breastfed and I don't even recall ever seeing him really sick, if at all. I wasn't breastfed and I'm rarely, if ever, sick (not counting in the head). Minus the bout with the flu last year, but that was for the first time in a really, REALLY long time. And I got over it pretty damn quickly.

I thought maybe once Thanksgiving was over, our workload would die down some. But it hasn't. We have been so damn busy. I just did about 6 hours of overtime this past week and thanks to having off Monday, it's going to be all straight pay. Which sucks, but money is money I guess. It's just crazy, though. The doctors are working a lot, we're short-staffed (especially because this year it seems like everyone waited to use their PTO),  the medical records are huge, clients are sending in records like a day before the appointments because they no longer get penalized for it, etc.

I never understand that last one. Once upon a time, if clients sent records in so many days before an appointment, the records were automatically turned into an addendum report. Which was an extra charge. And the PTB stopped that. Which makes no sense, because that's extra money they could be making. And last I checked, isn't corporate all about the benjamins?

What Even

I loathe the cold weather thanks to being so damn cold all of the time, but 70 degree weather less than 2 weeks before Christmas? No. Just no.

And now it's back to drama-central after a 4 day weekend.

Random Thoughts

Boy, I don't know what is going on with me that I am not keeping up with stuff.

Somehow we made it through the week of Thanksgiving and got everything done. Of course the workload still hasn't died down and we're still getting slammed with a shit ton of work. It's never-ending! Like something needs to give. We need more people. Oh, our sister company thought they were being smart and laying the group of us off and taking on our jobs up there. And basically most of that work has come back to us. And to less people.

And I don't know if the workload is stressing me out more or the people there. Maybe I'm just too cranky, but my god, I have never met so many damn annoying stuck-up people in my life. It's like fucking middle school in that place. Everyone is sweet as sugar to each others faces, but the second they turn their back, they rip them apart. Am I guilty of it? Sure I am. But I don't pretend to be anyone's friend in that place. They're my coworkers. Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe it's a piss poor attitude, but I've learned the hard way that it's better not to make friends with coworkers. Plus I see the way those assholes act like they're friends and then badmouth them behind their backs. Except if you're the almighty Monica or Ms. Hail to the V.

There are about a hundred more things I'd like to bitch about with that place, but I just can't even muster up the energy to do. However, I will make nitpick at my FWA. Every single damn time her brat is teething, she gets all dramatic on Facebook over it. You'd think the baby was going through chemotherapy with the way she acts. I don't doubt for one second it isn't painful as fuck (can't say I remember all the way back to when I was cutting teeth) but JFC it's a normal thing every child goes through.

And in the grand tradition of things, the stupid bitch was bitching to me all last week about this woman who started this past winter. According to my FWA, this woman does whatever she wants to do and is nosy and likes to cut into other people's business. Now I do like this woman; however, she is completely exhausting to talk to because she just never shuts up. She'll just ramble on and on and on and jump from one topic to the next and I get so lost listening to her that after a few minutes I just want to scream SHUT UP. One time she mentioned to the miserable old bitch and me that she used to work as an ultrasound tech and the MOB asked her why didn't work as one anymore and she started rambling on and 25 minutes later she was still going on and we still had no idea why she didn't work as one anymore.

But for my FWA to stand there and bitch about someone else doing whatever they want? She who comes in whenever she damn well feels like it, takes lunch whenever she damn well feels like it, takes breaks whenever she damn well feels like it. Get real, bitch. And then to stand there and complain about someone else butting their noses into conversations? She who is constantly sticking her nose into other people's conversations, who will take the long way through the middle work area back to her desk just so she can make sure she isn't missing out on a conversation that she can butt in to and make all about herself. My God, this bitch is delusional beyond words.

I have off on Friday and my sister is already pestering me about what are we doing. I would like to do something; however I don't really want to go out with my BIL. And even though I love him to death, I am getting to the point where I don't even want to go out with my nephew. Every single damn time I go out with them, he has to act up and be a nightmare. If I had even the slightest doubt about not having kids before, I can safely say I definitely do not want them now.

Random Thoughts

I picked a good day to take a PTO day. I don't have to listen to my FWA and the one who claims to tell it like it is talk about how they had ERMAGHERD SO MUCH FUN on Saturday night with Ms. Hail to the V and that cow Monica at some kind of bingo thingie. Nor will I have to hear about the one who claims to tell it like it is go on and on and on about her rat-faced daughter's cheer-leading competition over the weekend.

Unfortunately it's not turning out to be a very relaxing day. Because like in the grand tradition of this time of the year, we are slammed at work with enormous medical records. I am absolutely freaking out over it. And of course the bitchy at home work always manages to pick the best times to have off. I know she's off next week supposedly but I am not sure how many other days. Oh and the best part is apparently her sister, the other at home worker, is off some of the days as well (again, not sure how many). The day I found that out, I said straight to the new manager and my FWA "how in the hell did that happen?". And all I got in response from my FWA was "well 2 people are allowed to be off in one department" and the new manager said "come on, they're sisters and want to spend the holidays together". I felt like saying I really don't give a shit, I couldn't get 3 lousy days off at the same time as someone else who doesn't even do my job. Three lousy days so I could spend time with my elderly grandparents.

Y'all realize I am never going to let that whole situation go, right?

And then the other day I get an email from the new manager saying that she doesn't know if our former manager had me keep a worklog or not but she'd like for me to send her one every pay period (she did, by the way, but not long before she put her resignation in, she told me I no longer had to send her one). I nearly had a panic attack when I read the email. It's not the part of sending a worklog I am upset about; rather, it's when she looks at mine and the other girls and will probably ask why I am not putting out as much work as them. Because I really can't completely justify it, other than I worry too much about the quality of my work.

I try different ways of doing things but it's like no matter what I do, I still can't get through the work any quicker. I've tried looking at the other girls' work and all I end up doing is being shocked at how much they leave out. I try just skimming the important sections but I've had past experiences where important things have been hidden in sections we normally don't look at so I end up reading every frigging detail of the entire report. And then I always have to check my work for fear I made a mistake.

I also tend to way overthink my grammar. I don't mean just spelling. Things like the correct usage of the past tense, etc. Sometimes I swear if my former manager hadn't been the one to train me to do this job, I wouldn't overthink shit as much as I do.

Fuck You Apple

Two Christmases ago I received an iTunes gift card for $25. Since I was at a point where I refused to use iTunes due to their ridiculous rules and was strictly using Amazon, I tried everything to get rid of it. Unfortunately I had no luck so a few months ago, I finally (and begrudgingly) dug up my old iTunes account and redeemed the gift card under it. As of my last purchase in September I had $7.92 left on it.

Fast forward to the update to iOS 9. The update was successful and I went through the steps of setting everything up. Right then and there is probably where my problem began. It asked me for my Apple ID and password, so I entered it in. Then it asked me to enter my ID for iCloud, so I entered in my Apple ID and it wouldn't take. I tried a few more times and it still didn't take, so I figured I needed to have a separate ID for iCloud, so I entered in my Yahoo email address. Unfortunately after I entered it in, I realized I put the wrong email address so I couldn't verify it.

Fast forward to this past Friday. I decide I want to purchase a song through iTunes and it asks me for my password, I enter it in, and it tells me my Apple ID or password was entered incorrectly. So I pull out my paper that I have the password written down on and sure enough everything was entered correctly. I tried again- same thing. Tried a 3rd time- same thing. I hit the "Forgot?" link and am taken to iForgot page where I am asked to enter my Apple ID. I enter it in and it tells me that ID doesn't exist. So I am taken to a page where I have to enter in my name and email address and I do so and receive the email to reset my password and I do so and I am taken back to the page to enter in my Apple ID and password. And it still doesn't work. I try logging in with my email address (which is my Apple ID@ [email company].com) and password and that takes.

I reopen iTunes again and enter in my email address and password and that takes. However, there is no gift card balance listed. I find my gift card and enter it in the redemption code line and am told it's already been redeemed. Which means I can't even use it with this "new" account. The balance is lost with my original Apple ID account that for some aggravating reason, seemed to disappear into thin air. I don't know what happened to it, but it pisses me off to no end, especially at having to lose that $7.92.

And I attempted to create an account for the Yahoo email address I had entered in for iCloud with the hopes that I could get a verification code and then delete the iCloud account once I accessed it. Unfortunately the email address is already in use, so I couldn't even do that. And some poor soul received an email telling them to verify their iCloud account.

Random Thoughts

I switched back to strictly just Colace and I am half-tempted to take back what I said in that I'd rather be constipated than feel like I did. I do feel slightly better, but now I am bloated, the scale is back up and I can't go to the bathroom and I just want to scream. On the Peri-Colace/Miralax regimen, my stomach felt great but I felt like crap, off the regimen, I feel better but my stomach feels like crap. THERE IS NO GODDAMN WIN.

And for all I know, it may not have even been the regimen making me feel horrible. It could have just been a fluke thing. Hormone-related, etc. Even so, I still can't stay on the regimen forever. I've been hesitant to be on it as is. My intestines are lazy enough as is!

Yesterday was Apple Fest. It ended up being kind of a disappointing day. For one thing, it was insanely crowded. And a lot of the people that go are so damn snooty and rude. And I just have to laugh at the hordes of middle aged women dressed like teenagers. It's hysterical. There was one point I had a woman in front of me who was dressed in head to toe Love Pink shit, Ugg boots, and had teal streaks in her hair. I just looked at her and rolled my eyes, thinking oh typical teenage girl today, only to be surprised to find out she was a late middle-aged fake tanned to the gills woman when she turned around.

Actually no I wasn't really that surprised.

And then this bitch with one of those stupid double wide SUV strollers was next to me and on each side of the monstrosity were tags that said "Please wash your hands before you touch mine". Really? Are you kidding me? These people with their obsessions of kids being exposed to germs need to sit down. How are your brats ever going to develop an immune system if they're never exposed to germs? Sometimes I wonder if this is why there are so many kids with freak allergies and shit nowadays. Back when I was in school, I hardly knew anyone, if at all, that had food allergies, let alone severe ones. Nowadays you have kids you can't even say the word "peanut" to without them going into anaphylactic shock.

Random Thoughts

Sometime after my last post, I was in work one day and received an email from my new manager to check if medical records had been reviewed in a summary I had done. Apparently the client had sent medical records and there was no hide or hair of them in my summary. So I looked over the medical records and compared to them to what I had typed and sure enough they weren't summarized. And do you know why they weren't summarized? Because they weren't part of the records. Because they were never collated. Because they were never printed out. And who had the job of printing out the medical records for that patient? None other than my FWA.

This is exactly why I want to punch every person who tells me that I need to ignore it all and just go in and do my job. Every time I bitch about how my coworkers take a million breaks or sit around and talk or not do anything at all, I get the same song and dance, that the best thing I can do is to just ignore it and just go in and do my job. Which makes sense to a degree, but it starts to get a little hard to just ignore and just do my job if I have to constantly clean up the person's incompetence. I swear, I am getting so sick and tired of having to fix my FWA's measurements of charts. Apparently her concept of any type of measurement- be it time, inches, etc- is fucked up. I constantly come across charts that she printed out and has down as 0.25 inches that are so clearly 0.5 inches (or more) even Stevie Wonder could see it.

I have really not been feeling well the past week or so. I'm tired. I'm cranky as shit. I'm cold as hell. I feel out of breath. I feel like my heart and pulse are racing- earlier I looked in the mirror and could see my pulse pounding out of my neck. Often when I stand up, my vision darkens and I feel like I am going to pass out. I'm nauseous. My legs burn and are twitchy and feel weak. Three times I have taken my blood pressure since Friday and it averaged about 93/60. And I am starting to worry that this Peri-Colace/Miralax regimen is behind why I am not feeling well. Surely having diarrhea often cannot be good for the body. I think I'd rather be constipated than feel like this.

Earlier in work, I was collating a chart and came across a surgical admission sheet from back in February. And right after it was a death certificate. Apparently the person went in for elbow surgery, arrested, and died sometime not long after. I've felt so horrible since I read it. Sure the person had a shit ton of health problems, including cardiovascular ones, but still. You're cleared by your doctor to undergo a fairly benign procedure and you fucking die?

Man, I miss the Treehouse of Horror marathon that was on last week. I was on that like ugly on an ape. Kind of sad that Halloween is over already, especially because now will come the full blown Christmas assault. 

Random Thoughts

My period was expected to come yesterday but still nothing. Except major crankiness, depression, and cravings for all things sweet and salty. I wish it would come soon.

My tooth is still bothering me every time I chew food on it. And it is sensitive to cold stuff. As far as I understood, a root canaled tooth should not feel any sensitivity so either something was not done correctly or it's another tooth. And unfortunately it's hard to distinguish. Words can not begin to describe how enraged I will be if I have to eventually end up having this tooth pulled.

Also, a molar on the top right is hurting when I chew on it and feeling sensitive. GRRRR.

A while back I upped my Prozac dosage to 5 days a week and it seemed like it was helping some, but now it seems to once again be crapping out on me. I give up with this. I really do. I think I am just not meant to ever be happy.

And it may just be because I am PMS-ing hard, but I really loathe work right now. I swear, I don't understand how so many deluded lazy people can be in one place. Even after getting lectured by Ms. Croquette and having a new a manager, my FWA still continues to come in late. She still continues to take a lunch longer than an hour. And comes back close to 2:30, despite us getting an email that lunches can end no later than 2. Oh and the best part is she comes back after an hour and eats lunch at her desk. WHAT THE FUCK does she do the entire hour she is gone?!

And on Friday, Ms. Hail to the V was in the office and if she wasn't off talking or playing on her phone, she spent pretty much her whole 7 hour shift planning a trip to NYC on the internet. Nice, huh? I also have to laugh how when she works a long day, she is given two 45 minute PAID breaks. Most of the time she is done with patients by 11:15AM and takes her first break and then comes back and goes right to lunch. I don't understand why she needs to be given 2 long paid breaks like that. Yes, I understand it's a long day but her job as an MA is not that fucking taxing (she doesn't even actually take care of people) that she can't still work during the break in patients. I hope to God she never plans on working in an actual health profession where people have to work 12 hour shifts because she wouldn't last a day not being able to get her paid breaks like that.

It's going down to about 29 degrees tonight. I am absolutely not ready for the cold!

Random Thoughts

I'm still alive. Nothing new.

My tooth still hurts when I chew on it. It doesn't linger like before I had the root canal, but it still gets a rather sharp pain when I bite down on food. I'm so damn frustrated with everything that I am ready to yank the damn tooth out. And every time I think of my dental insurance trying to fight paying for treatment I want to chew nails.

Work is the same old shit. For 45 minutes today, from the start of our shift, I was the only one working while everyone stood around talking. Even the new manager.

I have PMS. My heart won't stop racing. I feel like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. I was on my bike earlier and I got extremely out of breath. I never get out of breath like that. But for some reason before my period, I always get this heavy feeling in my chest and feel like I have a hard time taking a deep breath. And I do get heart palpitations and my heart rhythm feels wiggity wack, but nothing like this. And I don't even want to bother going to the doctors because I am just going to hear the same old song and dance.

I swear, once you get that scarlet letter A- aka anxiety- no doctor ever takes you seriously.

Random Thoughts

So we might be in the path of Hurricane Joaquin. Nothing is definite yet, though, so that means I will be spending a lot of time on my 3 usual weather sites keeping track. Oh joy. Someone from the NHC just had to go and open his big mouth last week and jinx everything, didn't he?

Tomorrow is the day I finally get my permanent crown. Let's hope the temporary stays where it's at in the meantime and everything goes okay. Although I still have to get this issue settled with my insurance, because I got another letter yesterday and the bastards are still trying to insist it wasn't necessary. I'm also worried that I am over-stressing the left side of my mouth and that my permanent crown on that side is going to break again. It's been feeling kind of sore, which has me really worried that it will. Or that another tooth will crack.

I had my annual last week. I was seen an hour and a half past my appointment time. The next time one of our patients complains because he or she isn't being seen within 10 minutes of their appointment time, I'm going to throw a clipboard at their heads.

And speaking of work, I can't even put into words how I feel about it right now. Our most recent MA went through all of her PTO before the year was even a third done, plus more and she put in for a vacation in November and it got denied. And she was pissed. So last Wednesday she was on the road and still wasn't back when I left for the day. The next day I see a note attached on my FWA's from the one who claims she always tells it like it is saying that she'd be working with this MA's doctor that day. So I assumed the MA called out. Then she wasn't in Friday. I come to find out on Friday that apparently she did come back Wednesday when everyone was gone and apparently tripped over my FWA's desk chair and fell into the filing cabinet and hit her head. I think she was trying to get a worker's comp case so she could be out of work. But then she must have realized her little scam wasn't going to work and she texted our new manager sometime on Friday that she quit. So now once again we're even more short-staffed than usual.

And the staff that is there is just getting under my skin. My FWA just being in my presence annoys me. Every time I walk by her car and see the forward-facing car seat I want to throw a rock through the window. Not only is that baby 6 months under the required age, but she's also almost 6 pounds under the weight minimum as well. She's so damn stupid, it gives me second hand embarrassment.  I seen her actually smoking for the first time today. I honestly never thought she could look more white trash than she already did.

And the one who claims she always tells it like it is is starting to really get under my skin. Not only does she make an obnoxious amount of noise doing basically everything, but especially when she is collating (she goes through the pages really loud; I'm tempted to ask her one day if she is trying to start a fire), but I never realized just how fucking condescending she is. No one is as perfect as her. All she does is bitch and bitch about everyone else's mistakes. Guess what, sweetie? You make them too. I can't tell you how many times I want to ask her and the miserable older bitch if it's lonely up there on their pedestals.

Ugh, people are so annoying. And my sister has a stick up her ass and doesn't feel like being around anyone. Because she is hormonal. Because she is pregnant again.

ALL OF IT DAMMIT

Mutter Store

Random Thoughts

I'm reading The Woman Who Stole My Life by Marian Keyes and I'm really trudging through it. Thanks to my chronic medical book obsession and brief inexplicable fascination with Guillain-Barre syndrome a few years ago, I knew right off the bat that that was what the main character was going to be diagnosed with. And I figured, what the heck it will probably be interesting. But it's not. I'm getting kind of bored with it, actually.

Since yesterday, my Facebook newsfeed has been flooded with posts of people bitching about the hens on the View making snide comments about nurses. Actually it's not so much nurses I am friends with making the posts, but rather they being tagged in posts by others. And it's starting to get on my last nerve. There's people actually calling for a ban on it. Calm the fuck down, people. It's the View. If your wittle ego is going to get bruised by something they said, then you have bigger problems then you realize, because 99.9% of what comes out of their mouths is pure stupidity. It is not the first asinine thing they said and it certainly won't be the last.

I am not looking forward to work the next couple of days. Out of nowhere, the work has gotten kind of backed up. We have a few charts that need to be done for next week, preferably a few days before the appointment, and they're all a hefty size. And I am starting to feel anxious because I still suck and take forever to do anything because I still have such a damn hard time concentrating and I'm starting to get panicky that someone is going to pick up on it and fire me. I started to feel so overwhelmed on my way home that I wanted to drive my car into a tree.

I indirectly confronted my FWA the other day about that comment that she supposedly said about me last October (don't ask; it was just hanging in my mind that day). She swears up and down that she didn't say it. I don't doubt that the MA who told me she said it could have lied, but I also don't believe a lot of what my FWA says. I don't trust my FWA as far as I could throw her, but I trust this particular MA even less. I don't even know who to trust anymore.

Video Of The Day

One of the best Simpsons scenes ever:

Random Thoughts

My new manager seems nice. But I can tell you right now that little, if anything, is going to change in that place.

I am starting to become convinced that my tooth is cursed. As I said before, the temporary crown cracked and broke my last full day of vacation. When I had the root canal done, the assistant told me that it wouldn't be a big deal if it came off. What I was failed to be informed was that by the crown not being on there, my tooth could shift. I think I might remember reading that before, but it never crossed my mind. So when I went on Tuesday to get the permanent, of course it didn't fit properly anymore. And broke in my mouth. So now I have to wait even longer to get the damn permanent. And hope that the new temporary doesn't break in the meantime. I can't believe my tooth shifted that much in 4 lousy days.

And as if I wasn't upset enough, I come home to a letter from my dental insurance informing me that "A licensed Utilization Review Agent has reviewed all of the available documentation submitted for clinical review.  It has been determined that the services requested do not meet your dental benefit plan's clinical review criteria for being a necessary dental service" and that "Documentation does not support the need for a crown or onlay. There is no evidence of an excessively large existing filling, decay or fractured tooth on x-ray".

Let me find everything wrong with this. First off, I am so glad that this "licensed Utilization Review Agent" who has never been in my mouth can make the determination that this crown was not necessary. Second, if this is a dental professional, then he or she should know that fractures are notoriously hard to diagnose and often don't show up on x-ray. There being a crack in the tooth was determined by the fact that whenever the bite stick was placed on a certain spot of the tooth and I bit down, I nearly flew off the seat from the pain.

Now all I need to do is to receive a letter telling me the root canal was not necessary and I'll really hit the roof. And that's another thing- the tooth underwent root canal. There is no debate that I need the crown now.

Oh and now there is a lump between the cheek and gum on my lower left side. It's not visible in a mirror, but I can feel it and I don't have any tooth pain or anything (knock on wood) and it only feels a little sore if I press on it really hard, but I'm terrified that it's an abscess. And I'm so jaded with going to the dental office anymore that I don't even want to call about it, but I also don't want it to be an infection and end up spreading or something.

Damn Nature

So I am reading the book Storm Prey by John Sandford and one of the characters is a surgeon working on separating craniopagus twins. I had an idea of what they were based on the terminology, but I decided to google it to get an idea of what they looked like. And while doing so, I came across the term craniopagus parasiticus. So I decided to google that and OH GOD WHY

Random Thoughts

So my last summer vacation is now officially over. The good parts:

- again, not as ungodly hot as previous years
- I only managed to get mild spots of sunburn
- the stores at both Barefoot and Broadway stayed open later than last year
- Ben & Jerry's and Kirk's ice cream (and I could enjoy it without feeling like my tooth nerves were being electrocuted)
- as always, LOTS of good food; one night we finally went to this place at Broadway called Sweet Carolina's that I have been dying to try and holy crap, the BBQ pork sandwich was awesome
- I retried the regimen my gynecologist suggested for my stomach and it actually helped big time
- it was not crowded at all
- I kept up with my exercise regimen, working out every day but last Saturday

The stinky parts:

- we were almost put in the room with the bug infestation again
- it rained the first two days
- I had to share a bed
- twice someone shit in the kid pool area and closed it down for the day
- my brother-in-law's attitude and patience with my nephew were gear-grinding, once causing me to storm out of the room and slamming the door as hard as humanly possible because his screaming at my nephew was upsetting my mother and pissing me off
- my temporary crown over my root canaled tooth broke into pieces on the last day at breakfast
- my mother's car's brakes started malfunctioning when we hit the Washington DC area on the way home, making for one very anxiety-inducing 4+ hour ride home
- it's over and I still want to punch all of my coworkers in the face (thank god I have off Monday for Labor Day)

That last one especially applies to my FWA. A new law just went into effect in NJ this past Tuesday regarding car seats and when babies can be turned around and apparently my FWA and her piss poor excuse for a boyfriend blatantly refuse to abide by the law. And have no qualms about posting their feelings on Facebook. On Monday, her fat boyfriend posted a picture of the baby in her forward-facing car seat and wrote something like "I do what I want to do" and my sister, who is friends with him on Facebook, laid in to him about it and said how it's an American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation and not just a weight and age requirement, it has to do with their immature heads and spines, etc. He of course made no argument against my sister, but my FWA piped in later that she (the baby) meets the weight requirement for the car seat. Honestly- what part of "immature heads and spines" does this stupid bitch not get? But I guess she knows better than the AAP, right? I swear, some people are so fucking stupid, sometimes I have to wonder if eugenics is really all that bad to use at times.

On a positive note, the pumpkin pie Blizzard is back! I was afraid with the 75th anniversary stuff going on that DQ might not bring it out this year. Thank god they did or I would have rioted.

Random Thoughts

So I did it. I made it through my first root canal. And yes, it was not nearly as bad I thought it would be. Although it is not quite as long, I actually think getting fitted for a crown is more annoying than a root canal. When it was started, I wasn't quite numb enough so I had to get another shot and then the fun started all over again. The actual procedure of removing the nerves and filling the canals seemed to take no time. But when I was x-rayed half way through, it took the assistant 3 times to finally get an x-ray of my tooth with the full root area showing, because apparently I have some long ass teeth roots. And thanks to those long ass roots, I had to spend a little more time getting more filling put in the canals. Then the tooth was filled. And then my temporary crown was put back on. And then I was finally done! And $316 poorer!

I was afraid when they went in, that an infection or something would be found. Luckily there was no infection or abscess or necrosis or anything, but the nerves were apparently very inflamed. 

I was given an ibuprofen 600 pill to take before the numbness wore off and prescriptions for the same and for Vicodin. I still have ibuprofen 800 pills, so I probably won't bother to fill the 600 and I am definitely not filling the Vicodin (I have a horrible fear of opioids and addiction). I haven't even really had much pain. Occasional soreness but that's about it. And all of the cold sensitivity is gone. Woohoo! I am still afraid to chew even soft things on that side of my mouth, but I am also worrying that I am going to put too much stress on my other teeth and crack more.

Ugh

In less than 12 hours, tooth #30 will undergo root canal. Because the poor toof hasn't been through enough trauma. I hope to God the third time is the charm (by which I mean the third treatment- it's technically undergone 3 procedures already, but the first two were the same thing).

I also hope I am not making a huge mistake having this done before vacation.

I'm Ready, I'm Ready

Just woke up about 10 minutes ago with tooth pain. I took Motrin and it's subsiding, but good god I am ready for this damn root canal.

More Teefs Update

The tooth is still bothering me. Last night I spontaneously woke up at almost 1:30AM and my tooth was hurting. Not anything terribly serious, maybe a 3 or 4 on the VAS pain scale at the most, but annoying enough to make my climb out of bed and take a Motrin 800 (prescribed by my dentist before I went down the shore) and lay awake for a while, although I think my anxiety over the pain was keeping me awake more than the pain itself.

I called the office again today and was squeezed in at 1PM and was only in there for a few minutes before I was sent next door to an endodontic office. Where root canal was strongly recommended and I am scheduled to have done a week from today. And I am fucking bugging over it. I don't even think I am so much scared of the procedure itself as I am of the post-procedure part. All I know is I better not even THINK of googling root canal complications.

I also called the dental office because the gum around one of my upper molars is red and sore and I am panicking that I have an infection and/or abscess. I mentioned it repeatedly and it was not addressed once. In either office. And I am very anxious about it. I am anxious that my cracked tooth will get infected and/or develop an abscess before next Wednesday. I am worried either place will get so infected it will spread to my brain or blood. I am worried I will get an infection following the root canal. It just never stops.

And I never though I'd say this but I'd rather be worried about premature menopause right now.

FMT Part Infinity

So I have my temporary crown now....and it still hurts to chew on it. I don't know if the nerve is still just irritated from before and having my tooth drilled down to fit the crown or there is something going on that is not being caught. All I know is I am really freaking frustrated and am ready to get a pair of pliers and yank the damn tooth out myself. At this point I don't even care if I have to undergo root canal because I just want to be able to eat on that side of my mouth without pain. And preferably before I go away in a couple weeks!

Random Thoughts

Two days without a manager. Three of my coworkers- the one who talks all the time about how she speaks her mind and then doesn't, the miserable hag, and my FWA- have already taken more than their allotted breaks both days (we're allowed 2 10 minute breaks).

I also just found out that my FWA is smoking again. Which is funny because I just listened to a spiel not that long ago of how when she got pregnant and quit she never had any desire to pick up a cigarette even after birthing out her brat and how she freaked out on her boyfriend's mother for smelling like smoke and holding the baby and blah blah blah (I tuned out after so long). But I guess if she doesn't smoke, she can't be one of the cool kids now, can she?

Had my cleaning today. The good news- no cavities! The bad news- as I said, my tooth hasn't been bothering me all that much lately....until today. I don't know what brought it on but after lunch, my tooth started to feel sore and continued to feel sore and was super sensitive to cold. It seems to have calmed down some but now I am really nervous. It's been a lot better, so why in the hell is it suddenly more painful then it's ever been? Now I am worried that I might have irreversible pulpitis. Thursday can't come soon enough. I hate that I have had to wait this long to have it done. I would have much rather have had it done sooner.

Random Thoughts

So my boss is officially no longer my boss. This should be interesting from here on out.

Oh, and that Friday my FWA had to leave early for her "personal appointment"? She posted almost 100 pictures from the Franklin Institute on Facebook that day. Personal appointment? Sure. I hope to God when we get a new manager (if ever) that someone puts this stupid whore in her place.

One day she posted a picture of the baby eating cupcakes and wrote how much she loves her cupcakes and a little while later how much she loves her ice cream. One day her mother brought the baby in to work and my FWA gave her Pop-Tarts to eat. Another time she posted a picture of the baby eating a big lollipop. AND YOU WONDER WHY SHE DOESN'T SLEEP?! Bitch, you're on fucking WIC! Give her the healthy food you are supposed to be buying with it! JFC!

She told me Friday that she and her stupid boyfriend were taking the baby to Eagles training camp today. Exactly what interest will an almost 1 1/2 year old have in football practice?

It was nice to be able to go down the shore this year knowing that my days off were approved. It was a fairly nice trip. Minus my nephew's temper tantrums (and my sister's over his). I love him to death but good God, I FULLY understand where the term "terrible twos" comes from. I dread Myrtle Beach in a few weeks, because this time it won't just be my sister hollering at him, it will also be my brother-in-law losing his patience with him every 5 seconds.

Man, it was nice last Sunday knowing I didn't have to get up for work the next day. I still had to wake up early, but I didn't have to go to work!

I also have my teeth cleaning Tuesday and then have to go for my crown fitting on Thursday. Yay! And my tooth hasn't even been bothering me all that much lately. It still hurts if I stick a cotton swab in and bite down on it, but I have been able to chew food on that sign with no real pain. Which of course makes me nervous that I damaged the nerve.

While I was away, I was annoyed at being constipated so I decided to retry the Mira-Lax/Peri-Colace regimen again. It didn't help much, but it does seem to be working somewhat better. I have actually been able to go to the bathroom every day. I'm still feeling bloated but not quite as bad and since I have finally been able to go, I definitely feel a lot better than I did on Friday.

You know, I love visiting the Berry website, but I am starting to feel like everyone on that site is a future alcoholic. What is their obsession with booze? It's a little scary. Also, what is the obsession with Bill Murray on both that site and the Chive?

Song Of The Day

This song needs to be a lot longer than 2:51 minutes:

Random Thoughts

Got Food Factory on right now (if FYI doesn't make up its mind soon of what days they're going to play this show, I am going to lose it) and they were discussing black forest cake earlier (made by the company with the hot son for VP). I really want black forest cake now.

Every time I have this station on, some new reality show is going to be premiering and every single one is just terrible. They have one on now called Chef vs. Kid and judging by the hundreds of commercials they play for it, every single person on the show looks like they are irritating beyond belief. Especially the one kid. He looks like a real little snot.

I had to go back to the dentist on Thursday for an update on my tooth and I am going to have to get a crown. Unfortunately I have to wait all the way until August 13th to get the damn thing done. Oh, and I also have my cleaning scheduled 2 days earlier so I'll be there twice in one week (they must be so sick of seeing my mug; the dental assistant joked with me the other day about reserving me a room there and/or putting me on their payroll). I'm going to be a nervous wreck until then. I am trying not to chew on that side but I also don't want to stress my other teeth as well, especially the crown I just had replaced. But I am absolutely terrified of doing damage to the nerve and ending up having to get root canal or ending up with an infection or whatever else can go wrong when something tooth-related isn't taken care of ASAP.

Man, I am so glad to be on vacation the next few days. I desperately need a break from my co-workers or else I think I'd punch them in the face. 

Random Thoughts

Man, I am really getting bad with keeping up on here. I've just become very disinterested in the internet lately. I still come on, but am not spending nearly as much time as I normally do. I have stopped visiting a lot of sites I normally go to simply because I am just bored with them and I am considering not visiting others anymore as well.

Because I wasn't about to be put in the same position as last year, a few weeks ago I sat down with my boss and discussed taking off a few days in August. And luckily she approved them, so I can actually go down the shore this year with my family and not have to feel like shit.

Well, minus the whole issue with my tooth. I went back last Thursday with continued pain upon chewing, I got shot up with Novocaine AGAIN, the filling was redone, and I thought maybe that was going to be it. Nope. Still had pain the next day. So I called the office the next day and kind of snapped out on the phone and got an appointment for Saturday. So I went Saturday, an x-ray was taken, more shit was drilled down, and my dentist told me if that didn't work, then it's likely the tooth has a crack and I'll need a crown. Which is what I have been suspecting all along. And it's still bothering me when I eat, so guess I'll be getting another crown.

I'm going to frigging lose my mind with 2 crowns. I better ask about the price of a night guard when I go Thursday before I end up with a mouth full of crowns from grinding my teeth .

Work is about to make me lose my mind. My coworkers are starting to really get under my skin. Yesterday my FWA emails me, whining that she requested a half day on Friday for a "personal appointment" and that our boss denied it due to insufficient PTO and she doesn't understand what the problem is since she doesn't have a PTO problem (no, no problem at all- that's why if she was to get fired tomorrow, she'd owe the company almost a whole week of PTO money) and that it's all because of our newest MA abusing her PTO and wah wah wah. I so badly wanted to write her back and tell her that I really didn't care. Then she tells me that our boss was going to discuss it with her boss (the one who denied me going down the shore last year). Today she emails me (God, why does she have to email me?!) and says that our boss's boss approved it. I wrote her back "Oh. Well that's nice!". My response was hemorrhaging sarcasm, which went right over her stupid head. No matter what, that little bitch always ends up getting her way somehow, doesn't she? God, she is such an insufferable little twat. I want to punch her so hard.

When I went to the gyno in February, the doctor suggested a regimen of Miralax and Sennokot-S to treat my constipation issues. I've been putting it off and finally decided to try it this week. Two days in to it, I am so bloated and full of gas (sorry) I want to scream. Guess I'll be discontinuing this regimen soon. Or stick with it a few more days to see if my body adjusts. I have no idea what to do. Why can I not just find one damn regimen that works properly?

FMT

The "T" stands for teeth.

When I had my last cleaning, I was told I had to have a filling replaced on one of my lower teeth. When I got to the front desk at the end, all that got scheduled was my next cleaning. So when I had my permanent crown put in at the end of June, the assistant said I had to schedule to have my filling replaced. Which I had done this past Monday. I was fine Monday, Tuesday, and most of Wednesday, with the exception of food seeming to easily snag on a corner of the tooth. But later on Wednesday night, I started to feel a little pain whenever I chewed a certain way.

Come Thursday I was still feeling pain, so after dinner I called the office and they squeezed me in and did the bite test and drilled down the areas that were showing up blue. When I had a snack later on, at first I thought oh joy I am not feeling any pain, maybe my filling was just too high. No such luck. I started feeling pain a few minutes later whenever I chewed a certain way.

I am so damn frustrated. I am hoping that maybe my tooth is just a little irritated from the filling being high, but I probably won't be that lucky. I have had pain in this area before the filling was redone, but this pain feels different. I feel like I should have just left it alone, like maybe there was a reason why the appointment never got scheduled when it originally was supposed to.

If I have to have the filling redone, I am going to scream.

The Awesome Of The Day

I did it! I finally did it! I reached 1,000 plays for "Siberian Breaks" with this round of iTunes:

Random Thoughts

I don't know what is going on with me, but I still feel horrible. I have so much pressure in my ears, my head hurts, my heart is racing and I am so damn fatigued. Friday night I was beyond exhausted and hurt everywhere. I haven't been feeling too hot for the past couple of years, but I am starting to worry that this might have something to do with finding that tick on me. I don't even think the tick was an adult tick and I did get the one dose of doxycycline, but whether that is enough I don't know. I also still stand by my belief that I have some type of vitamin deficiency and if so, that it could possibly be getting worse. Or it could simply be that my hormones are just still sorting themselves out. Whatever it is, I wish it would straighten itself out.

And in addition to feeling horribly physically, my anxiety levels are at an almost unreal level and I am so damn depressed I just want to scream. And I am feeling very overstimulated easily.

Friday I get an email from my FWA that Ms. Croquette is a "see ya next Tuesday". I rolled my eyes, but wrote back "why". She proceeds to send me this long ass email detailing how she must have had a conference call with Ms. Croquette and our boss about her clocking in late in the morning:

First off, once again she is full of shit with the whole computer logging in being slow. I never ever have a problem logging in when I am on her computer. I don't even think it takes 2 minutes to log in. Plus she has a new computer now, so the excuse is even more bull. Second, now suddenly it's because she has too many files on her computer? Nope. Sorry. Doesn't cut it. Every one who has been there longer than her does not have that problem. And the biggest bullshit ever is her standing there saying she is there by her start time. Bull fucking shit. She is NEVER in work by 8. It's always 8:05 or so, if not later. How can one person be so fucking delusional?

And I like the part how she won't wake the baby up any earlier. You're in the adult working world now, sweetie. You need to make some sacrifices because guess what? Other work places won't give a flying fuck if you and your baby didn't get enough sleep the night before.

And I am starting to get so sick and tired of listening to her complain about how much our newest medical assistant gets away with. She had absolutely no room to talk at all. One of these days I just want to freak out on her so bad and tell her how sick and tired I am of listening to her complain about all of the shit other people do when she does the same exact things.

My sister sent me a text yesterday morning that my FWA's boyfriend posted something on Facebook how they were out and the baby keyed a Mercedes and they picked her up and left wherever they were. Nice, huh? I almost feel sorry for that baby having such losers for parents. A mother who can't take any kind of responsibility for herself and a daddy that lies to the government to get health insurance. And god knows what other entities they have lied to to get financial assistance. I don't doubt for one second that the only reason they refuse to get married is so they can keep hitting the system up for all kinds of benefits.

Ugh, people are so freaking annoying.

Random Thoughts

I knew my crabbiness and hostility last week was PMS rearing its ugly head; however, I still wasn't expecting to see my period 3 days sooner. I am heading towards the end of it and the post-period symptoms are appearing- heart palpitations, high anxiety levels, severe depression, etc. I also have this heavy feeling in my chest, my head hurts and feels horrible, and I am so damn exhausted I can't even stand it- and I haven't even really been sleeping that terribly.

The other day my boss announced she would be resigning next month. Sure, she drive me nuts, but folks, I'm fucking bugging about this. What in the hell is going to be replacing her? Is it going to be better? Worse? Will I lose my job? As much as I hate to admit it, I can't deny that my boss does allow me to get away with things another place wouldn't, like not having to talk on the phone (although to be fair, no one really uses their phones since the down-staffing in 2011) and she seems to have somewhat of a tolerance for my slow ass. Believe me, I know how frustrating it is when someone doesn't work as fast as others and isn't pulling their weight and believe me, my slow ass frustrates me more than people can imagine. And really, it's only one job that I am incredibly slow at. Unfortunately, that one job happens to be my main job function.

And what's going to happen with requesting time off? Doctor appointments? Etc? UGH.

And since this announcement, my mind has apparently been on a coffee-fueled sermon of pure torture. Reminding me what a loser I am, that if I lose my job it's my fault for being so slow, wondering if buying new scrub tops will jinx me, etc. In addition to constant reels of bad things happening to loved ones and the millions of other things I constantly obsess about.

And I always wondered when one would pop up on Cracked since they started these new personal experience columns and on Sunday I was not disappointed- a column finally popped up about the personal experience of what I presume to be a paraplegic. I can't tell you how hard I have to resist going to read it. Every time I think about it, I want to shoot myself.

Never in my life have I wanted to get away as bad as I do right now. Preferably from myself.

What Even

The other day when my FWA went to lunch and I was covering up front, she had one of her drawers open and a fax cover sheet laying on top. I noticed that underneath was paperwork for NJ Family Care and curiosity got the better of me and I picked it up. And was surprised to find it was for her boyfriend. And was even more surprised at the blatant lies he put on his application. He claimed he has no dependents to claim, he does not live in a household with someone under 19, and the best one of all- he is a full time student and unemployed. That's pretty funny, because I could swear he just graduated and started a job on June 22nd making $41,000 a year (his Einstein girlfriend left his job offer letter out in the open one day).

I was so furious when I saw this I almost blew up. How dare he lie. He can have his fancy little engineering degree from Drexel, but leopards really never change their spots, do they?

Random Thoughts

Boy, I love going on to my Facebook newsfeed and being bombarded with people's shared picture posts. I don't care if you love your parents. I don't care if you love your child. I don't care if you want to punch stupid people in the face. I don't care if you think this nation needs to return to one nation under God. JFC I JUST DON'T CARE. No one cares!

Yesterday must have been queen bee Monica's brat's birthday party. And naturally a lot of the girls from work were invited, including my FWA and her friend. It's almost cute how much they kiss Monica's ass and she did nothing but bad-mouth them all of the time (and probably still does).

Actually no, it's just pathetic.

I watched FYI last night when I was getting ready for bed (Food Factory was on) and when I put my TV on this morning, it was still tuned to FYI and I think that show Arranged was on. I've never watched, but I've seen enough commercials for it to know that I want to kick that Christian guy repeatedly in the nads with a pair of steel-toed boots (hopefully until he can no longer reproduce). One of the arranged people, a blonde chick, seemed to be having problems with her future mother-in-law. And as soon as the MIL opened her mouth, I could see why. Apparently this woman feels men and women aren't equal and she doesn't feel that a woman should ever be president and a woman should not a do a man's job and women should cook and clean and men should fix and build things. You know what? If you feel women are that inferior to men, then take your old outdated ass to a Middle Eastern country where they feel the same way about women, you stupid cow.

And speaking of ass backwards thinking, I'm glad the Superior Court ruled in favor of gay marriage on Friday. Seethe, homophobes, SEETHE.

And screw you, Bristol Palin, for raking in hundreds of thousands of dollars preaching abstinence to people and not partaking in it yourself. You're a slap in the face to people who truly do practice abstinence, whether intentionally or unintentionally. FUCK YOU. And fuck Candie's.

Man, I hate Sundays with a passion. Especially when you have to celebrate Father's Day a week later and your daddy dearest is being his typical daddy dearest self. 

Random Thoughts

A few days beforehand, I kept an eye on the SPC's site for this past Tuesday, since we were under the threat for severe weather. When I came home from work on Tuesday, an area to the far west of mine was under a tornado warning and I started to get a little nervous that we were going to be next. Sure enough, about a half hour later, the emergency bulletin came on announcing our area was under a tornado warning. The area of rotation being detected was actually pretty far southwest to my area but we were still placed under the warning. I was a nervous wreck, especially when the sky started to get fairly dark and the wind started picking up. Obviously we did not get a tornado (a comforting fact- my local news said that in our area, about 90-95% of tornado warnings never result in a tornado, but do you think that will let me relax some when one is issued? Unlikely.), although a lot of areas did get pretty banged up.There was a suspected tornado in one town, but I think it ended up being determined to be straight line winds.

The following day in work, 3 computers were out in work, including (not surprisingly) my FWA. She did get a new computer on Thursday and she is still bitching that it takes a long time to log in her in and she clocks in late. No, I guess it has nothing to do with the fact that your ass rolls in 8:05, 8:10, whatever. I really have a hard time believing someone can be so delusional.  

And naturally when she got her employee review, she got criticized for her attendance. And naturally bitched that it's not fair it's not her fault her computer is so slow, blah blah blah. I felt like saying oh my god, shut the fuck up- your computer does NOT take 10 minutes to load and you are NEVER here before or even BY 8, so cut your shit already.

My review itself was not bad. I "exceed expectations" and am a pleasure to work with. My attendance is "impeccable" and I actually scored a 5 out of 5. But of course my boss still had to bring up about me getting emotional over things, but did admit that I am better with it. You're damn right I am. I'm better with it because I learned to internalize it more thanks to it coming up repeatedly in my past reviews!

And going back to the weather, my area is under a slight risk for storms today. I'm over this already!

Song Of The Day

Oh FFS

Man, I am really bad with posting anymore.

Yesterday in work, my FWA was bitching to me how Ms. Croquette was complaining about what time she takes her lunch. That it's too late in the day or something.

I woke up this morning feeling incredibly tired despite sleeping fairly decent (for me). I wasn't in a pleasant mood but I wouldn't say I was in a bad mood. Then I get into work and open my email and find an email to me that Ms. Croquette says lunches can't end later than 2:00PM and my lunch has to be from 1:30 - 2:00 instead of the normal 1:35 to 2:05 I take. Oh and that my FWA's lunch was being moved to 1:00 - 2:00 and I am to cover the first half hour she is gone and then the bitchy new woman will cover the rest of the time (because you know it would make too much sense to have someone who has already taken their lunch sit up front for the hour). Once I read that email, I was in a bad mood the rest of the day.

This is such ridiculous shit to get panties in a wad over. Oh they don't make a big stink about how my FWA comes in late or takes longer than an hour lunch. No, rather they make a big stink about what time she takes her lunch, which ends up affecting me. The one who clocks in on time, leaves when she is supposed to, and takes exactly a 30 minute lunch ALWAYS. I ALWAYS clock right back in at 2:05. Five freaking minutes! OMFG the horror! I am 31.5 years old (exactly to the day- it's my half birthday today!). I don't need someone holding my fucking hand and telling me when to do shit when I always ALWAYS comply by the rules. Because someone else thinks she is a special little princess who does nothing wrong ever.

Oh, and then I found out my employee review is Thursday. FML.

Random Thoughts

Still feeling bloated as hell, crampy, spotting, and flat-out miserable. And the scale reflected the bloating earlier so now I feel even worse depressed.

Before my boss's son passed away, my FWA had put in a request for some days off. They were still not approved when my boss went out (sound familiar?) so she had to put the request through my boss's boss. She was denied at first, but eventually the little princess got her vacation approved.

Thursday I was doing random things and I happened to notice at one point that only one of our at-home workers was working. A couple of hours later, she was still the only one working. I come to find out that the bitchy at-home worker had off that day. Come Friday, my FWA and the bitchy at-home worker were still off and right before noon, we get a call from my boss's boss that the other at-home worker called out the rest of the day, leaving me the only one to do the job. I was livid. I felt like calling up my boss's boss and yelling WTF is this shit?

My FWA should have never had her vacation approved if the bitchy at-home worker had been approved to have off. Two people can be out in my workplace, but not if they do the same job. And it just infuriates me because I couldn't get 3 lousy fucking days off last August because someone who does not even do my job (except in down time) was also going to be off.

I'm telling you- if these people run our sister company anything like they try to run our office, no wonder their turnover rate is through the fucking roof.

Random Thoughts

Three weeks. It has been about three weeks that I have been having a funky heart rhythm, anxiety, and insomnia. WHAT IS GOING ON? I feel like crap. All I want is to sleep past 6:30AM just one goddamn morning. To not feel like my heart is going to give out any moment.

And right now I feel very bloated and my lower left side is feeling very crampy, as well as across my lower back. I had a little bit of very light reddish brown spotting earlier- right after I got off my bike after dinner. I hope to God this shit isn't starting up again.

I feel so goddamn depressed and I can't even figure out why, except due to being so anxious. I often wonder if I am depressed because I am anxious or anxious because I am depressed; I think it probably goes both ways, but I think it's the former more than the latter.

I am so damn frustrated with my work output. I was hoping that maybe once I was on medicine my concentration levels would improve, but so far there had been very little improvement, if any at all.  I still have the attention span of a gnat.

It's graduation time everywhere and it's depressing the hell out of me. I never thought I'd be 31 years-old without a college degree (then again, a lot of shit that happened after high school I didn't expect to happen). And people will stand there and say oh it's never too late to do anything, which yes, is true. But what they don't realize is that even if I finally finish my degree one day it will still eat at me that I didn't finish when I was supposed to. Years from now, it will still eat at my that I dropped anatomy lab in the middle of the semester because I was so paranoid I was going to end up failing. Do you know what my average was when I dropped it? I had a fucking A average.

If I could go back to the time in 2005 when I decided to quit Effexor cold turkey and slap myself, I would. Believe me, I was having problems long before that, but that was the final push.

I wish I could go away for a really long time.

Random Thoughts

So the good news is I didn't have to deal with any pain when I went to the dentist on Monday, seeing as I got 2 shots of Novocain. I also found out that I was not having my crown replaced right then and there; rather, I'd have to go through a temporary crown again for 3 weeks and then get the permanent. Had I known that I would have probably have just said forget it. I ended up spending nearly 2 hours there. Then when I finally get back to work, I take a look in the mirror at my crown and realize that in one spot there is a giant space between my gum and the crown, like a piece had chipped off and the girl stuck it on there like that. So I call the office back and they tell me to come back in after work (I was not about to go back up right then and lose more time).

So I head back up after work and once again I have to get numbed (only one shot this time) and a new temporary crown was made and put in. My cheek and the area around my crown were super irritated and sore afterwards; my cheek is no longer bothering me and the area around the crown is just finally starting to feel better. I'm so damn annoyed. Had I known all of this, I would have just kept my permanent crown as is.

My anxiety levels were so bad on Monday- between what they would be doing to me at the dentist and whatever this post-menstrual rise in anxiety levels thing going on lately- that I was physically shaking sitting in the dentist chair. I don't think it was until around Wednesday that I finally started to notice a decrease in my anxiety levels and heart palpitations.

I am starting to wonder now if when I upped my Prozac dosage and felt off the wall if it was really the Prozac or if it was because I was at the end of my period. Or possibly both. But I am starting to think it more because I was at the end of my period. I'm back down to every other day and still felt off the wall when I was at the end of my period. I still cannot seem to get back to that feeling I had when I first started Prozac every other day. It was nothing to brag about, but I still felt somewhat more relaxed and not as off the wall. And I can't seem to feel that way anymore.

My boss's son's funeral was on Wednesday. Surprisingly the company not only allowed us to attend any of the services, but actually paid us for it. I went in the morning with my FWA, the coworker I no longer trust, and my favorite doctor. While we were sitting in the church, I kept looking at the coffin and I started thinking of having to face this one day with my own family members and my chest would start to tighten and I wanted to start screaming.

I borrowed the book Gone Girl from my sister and I have never been so infuriated by the end of a book in my life. I would say the book was pretty good, but the end of the book completely ruined it. Amy was such a terrible person I wish Nick would have killed her at the end. No, scratch that. I wish both of the main characters died at the end. Slowly and horribly. 

Random Thoughts

Wow, I didn't realized how long it had been since I last posted. Not like there is anything exciting to report anyway. I have felt like crap. I'm just getting over my period and having the increased anxiety, nausea, and heart racing that has been coming on at the end lately. Because I didn't already have enough anxiety, nausea, and heart racing the whole week before and during.

We've had a stray cat with kittens running around our neighborhood for about a month. The first weekend of May I had seen an adorable baby bunny in our yard in front of our shed, about the size of a softball. Later on that night, I saw the cat skulking around our shed. We never saw the baby bunny again after that.

This past Monday when I woke up, I felt incredibly nauseous and on edge (from hormones; my period came the next day) and when I was heading out to my car to leave, the mother cat was standing out in the street, watching me with this shady look on her face. So I kept staring at her and then looked under my car to make sure the kittens weren't under my car. Nothing was under there, so I started my car and headed to the back to take out some recycling, all while she kept her eye on me. When I got in front of my mom's car, I saw why she was watching me- there was a gutted rabbit next to my mom's car. I was horrified. I was already nauseous as it was and when I saw that, I had to do everything in my power to not throw up.

On Wednesday, I took a chart to do and apparently at some point the person had passed away and our doctor wanted the autopsy report. And that was what was in the chart. And I read the report. Why? I don't know why. Just morbid curiosity, I guess. I felt sick afterwards, though.

Then on Thursday, my boss left work unexpectedly in the morning after receiving a call that she needed to come home. We got a call at work a little while later that her oldest son had passed away. My boss drives me up the fucking wall, but JFC she didn't deserve something like that.

I told the girls in work that I would keep an eye out in the newspaper for his death notice (since apparently I am the only one in the office who reads the newspaper) and when I was checking it today, I got to the second page and there was an obituary that no lie took up half the page. And then I looked at the name and gasped- it was a kid I had been in marching band with. He had graduated the year before me, so I was only in band with him for one year. But damn, he was intelligent and talented as hell and a really nice guy. Oh, and I had a massive crush on him after seeing him without a shirt on for the first time (he was one of those guys whose body looked nothing special with clothes on but take them off.....humina humina)

This is the THIRD guy I have had a crush on who has passed away. And not just passed away, but passed away tragically (the first was killed in a motorcycle accident, the second was murdered, and this one fell off a fucking cliff). It's starting to give me a bit of a complex.

We celebrated my mom's birthday yesterday. And of course my father had to start his shit days before it. My mom is beyond furious with him. The day before she was crying and saying she didn't even want to go to dinner. She was upset the next day and kept breaking down in tears throughout the day. We did end up going to dinner (minus my father) and then coming back and having cake. Aside from all of the drama, it turned out nice.

I swear, if I ever won the lottery, the first thing I would do is buy my mother her own house.

I am not looking forward to having my crown replaced tomorrow. I have myself an absolute wreck already over whether it's going to be painful or not. How sensitive my tooth underneath will be. Ugh.

BLASPHEMY

No Food Factory tonight. Not one episode.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL

My FWA was complaining to me earlier that she kept having to kill ants at her desk and she didn't understand why she would have them. Really? You don't know why?

Random Thoughts

Although it should come as no surprise, that was a quick 3 day weekend. Didn't really do anything spectacular. Went to Seaside yesterday. Never again will I go there on a holiday weekend, although after yesterday I wouldn't care if I never went back there again period. And look, I love my nephew to death but his temper tantrums every time we go out are starting to get a little tiring. I have never seen a toddler throw such terrible tantrums in my life- screaming ungodly, crying, kicking, hitting his mother. He's a good sweet kid most of the time, but then he turns into the kind of kid I cannot stand. I can't even tell you how many stared at him yesterday during his fit.

I found out from my sister yesterday that my FWA went to some fair on Friday night....with one of my coworkers. One of the ones who has bad-mouthed her the most. The one who sits and laughs at her every time she asks patients for their ID (my FWA asks them for it in this extremely high pitched voice and a lot of the times the patients have to ask her to repeat what she said). Those people are just completely fucking unbelievable. They are the phoniest bitches I have ever met. Everyone is so sweet to each others faces it could give you diabetes and then rip each other apart behind their backs. Oh except if you're Miss V. Then you're apparently untouchable and no one can ever talk about you. Just like that fat trouble-making bitch Monica that worked there back when I worked there before. No one could ever bad-mouth her either.

I still just have to laugh how my FWA remains friends with Monica after what she did before when she deliberately created trouble between my FWA and the racist bitch. But I guess that's what happens when you're so desperate for everyone to like you. 

I feel like I have never left middle school.

UGH

Earlier I was eating dry Cheerios and the lower left side of my mouth started to feel funny. After I finished the cereal I ate a banana and while I was eating it I felt something grind in the back on the left side and then felt something really hard in my mouth. I spit out a hard piece of beige and thought oh no, I hope that is not my crown. And sure enough when I looked in the mirror, part of my crown was chipped off. What a great way to start out my three day weekend. FML.

5/23: I was awake at 9 this morning so I called my dentist office to see what to do and the girl told me I could come in at 11, but I might have to wait a while to be seen. I ended up only having to wait about 40 minutes (which is nothing compared to my gyno office; I had a follow up scheduled on Tuesday for 10:15 and I wasn't seen until almost 11:30) and the chipped area was sanded down some and the dentist offered for me to come back and have it replaced for free. Technically I could leave it just the way it is, but I opted to have it replaced.

Lyrics Of The Day

From "Mid-Life Crustacean":

You're old
(you're old)
Groaning like a geezer
Hear yourself a-crackin' like an old has-been
Look at yourself, old man, you've got multiple chins
'Cause you're old...

Song Of The Day

I neither like nor dislike this song; rather, I am intrigued by it:

Random Thoughts

Three days down, two more to go until a much anticipated and needed 3 day weekend! Especially after this week. The work is kind of backed up, so I (and only I) have been doing overtime and will do it tomorrow and maybe Friday as well. I'm burnt!

So far my being on Prozac every other day again has not done much for my digestive system. It is nothing like when I initially took it every other day. I just had 2 weeks straight of diarrhea (minus the weekends for some reason) and bloating and this week I am still bloated, but now I am extremely constipated. I would imagine with the ridiculously lengthy half-life of Prozac that some of the extra dosing is STILL in my system, so I don't know if it has anything to do with it. All I know is I am incredibly annoyed, uncomfortable, and miserable.

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

I swear every Sunday I feel worse and worse about going back to work. And I am getting to a point where I feel like the only way I am ever going to get out of that place is for it to close down or I drop dead. And I don't like feeling like I am stuck somewhere.

On Friday, our newest MA was leaving (at a time she designated herself) and I heard my FWA say something to her about seeing her the next day. And I thought son of a bitch, that means she was probably invited to the birthday party as well. But now I don't know if she actually wasn't invited though, or was and just didn't show up, because out of all of the photo albums that were posted yesterday on Facebook, she was not tagged in a single one. And if she was invited, then that defeats the theory that my family tried to convince me of- that my FWA was only invited because she has a baby, because this MA only has an adult son.

I don't know what in the hell Ms. Hail to the V's issue is with me, because I have never done a damn thing to her. And if she is still holding something against me because I came in with my nephew on the same day she brought her son in (when he was newborn) then she needs to sit the fuck down because 1) I wasn't working there then and therefore didn't even know who she was or that she had a baby and 2) like I knew she would come in with her son that same time. Sometimes she seems like she is cool with me and then she does some rude ass shit, like always leaving without saying a word (I think maybe once or twice she has actually said good-bye to me). She ignores me in the morning, so I always make the effort to say good-morning even though I really don't want to. I don't get it. I don't get why she would have a problem with me. I don't expect everyone to like me, but I don't appreciate being disliked for no damn reason. Or there is just the possibility she has no problem with me and is just a miserable bitch. But I doubt it.

And I am so sick and tired of every time something she didn't do being questioned, everyone runs to her defense and says she didn't have time to do it. It's always she didn't have time to do it. Oh, but she always has time to play on her phone or talk to my FWA for a half-hour + or play on Facebook or Groupon or print stuff out for her kid for school. Sure, okay.

The other day she got up and left without saying a word and I said to my FWA "did you ever feel like just turning to someone and asking them what the fuck is their problem with you?". She said she doesn't know why anyone would have a problem with me, since I am very quiet and mostly stick to myself, and she claims no one has ever said anything to her about me, but this is my FWA we're talking about. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. After all, she is the same person who supposedly said that if my boss should be getting on anyone it should be me. Then again, this also came from our newest MA, who I am honestly starting to question if I can trust. Frankly I don't know who can I trust in there or anywhere anymore.

I have been so fucking miserable since Friday. My sister had people over on Friday night and I didn't even go because I felt so miserable. I feel depressed as hell and I don't even know why.

10:17AM: I just realized that minus tomorrow, Ms. Hail to the V is going to be in the office all week. Out-fucking-standing! Just what I want to see all week!

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

I contacted my doctor's office on Monday about the suspected tick and my doctor prescribed me a one time dosage of doxycycline. Yes, one of the pills I was on for endometritis. I can't even remember the last time I had to take antibiotics (2008 maybe?) and somehow I have managed to have to take several in a 2 month span. WTF?

Antibiotic prophylaxis or not, I am still feeling on edge about finding a tick on me, mostly because I want to know how on earth the bloodsucker got on me. Plus, you read some of the things they can cause besides Lyme disease and it opens a whole new door to anxiety.

I am still taking the Prozac every other day. I am sorry I ever started taking it every day like I did. My stomach is still a bloated mess. I still am not feeling hot mentally. All I want is to feel like I did initially when I was taking it every other day. And lord knows if that feeling will ever come again.

I also haven't been sleeping very well and have been having some very bizarre nightmares. I can't even remember any of them, just that they were very bizarre and scary. I'm running on little sleep and it's making me irritable and miserable as fuck.

NOPE NOPE NOPE

Saturday morning I was getting ready to get in the shower when I happened to look at my left hip and see a dark bump that resembled a freckle. I poked at it a few times and deduced it was a scab, so I left it alone. This morning I happened to look at my hip again and noticed it was a little bigger than Saturday. So I decided to pull it off and I dropped it in the sink. And that's when I noticed it had legs. And then I started to freak out. And then realized it was probably a tick and freaked out even more. I went in and woke my mom up and she picked it up with a pair of tweezers and squeezed it and blood shot out of it, freaking me out even more.

I can't even imagine where I would have picked up a tick. I am not outside often and even when I am, I am always pretty covered up. I am very rarely around animals and my sister's dog faithfully gets tick and flea medicine, so I doubt I picked it up from her. It might not even be a tick. I don't know what else it could possibly be, though.

Song Of The Day

"Motherfucker I’ll be back from the dead soon/I’ll be watching from the center of the hollow moon"

Random Thoughts

When I was sitting up front at my FWA's desk the other day, I happened to look up at her calendar and she had written for next Saturday Ms. Hail to the V's son's birthday party. Which I am taking to mean she was invited to. Can't say I got an invitation to it. Not that I would even want to go to the party, but I still can't help but feel a little stung at not getting an invitation, especially because I imagine basically everyone else in the office was probably invited to it.

And I just have to laugh how much everyone has bad-mouthed my FWA but then go and do shit like this. And yes I might talk shit about her all of the time, but I also don't stand there and act like she's my friend. You won't find me inviting her to anything of mine. Or any of my coworkers for that matter. Who wants to see those assholes outside of work? Over 42.5 hours a week is enough.

One day two of my coworkers said they think my FWA has changed a little bit since becoming a mother. Well, I don't know what they are seeing that I am not, because from what I see (and hear), she is still the same whiny never thinks she does anything wrong moron that she was before shitting out a kid. Then again, one of the people who said this is also the same person who talks about how much she loves the love story in 50 Shades (I can't. I just can't with that).

Like I said before, I think at some point in my life I need to just accept I am always going to be an outsider. More often than not, I feel like I am a fucking leper or just flat out invisible. And having difficulty with socializing just makes it even worse.

And I think feeling like this is the reason why I keep so much shit bottled up in me, for fear that it's just going to make everything worse. Really now- could you imagine what people with an already negative image of me would think if I told them about That Thing? It wouldn't be pretty. And frankly, I think I should be at the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck anymore.

Song Of The Day

Random Thoughts

Ugh, it's way too hot way too early.

I am back to taking the Prozac every other day and I have to say I don't feel quite as bad as I did. I don't feel like slamming my car into a tree whenever I am in it (well, at least not nearly as strongly as I did before, because let's face it- there is never a time I don't have suicidal ideation).

Can't say I still don't feel like even more of a failure, though.

GIMME

I have been craving cornbread for the past few weeks and I don't know why. All I know is if I don't get some soon, I am going to freaking lose my mind.

Random Thoughts

It has not been a good past few days. I have been one miserable agitated bitch. Friday I felt so shitty that the whole drive home all I could think was how bad I wanted to hit the gas pedal and slam into a tree. Yesterday I woke up feeling very anxious and agitated and ended up taking an Ativan before I went anywhere. I went down the shore for the day with my family and it was able to get my mind off of some things for a little bit, but as soon as I came home, I started to feel bad and depressed again. And I am still feeling really bad.

And once again I don't know what is causing it. It could be the post-period miserableness I sometimes get or it could be due to the increase in medicine. Which you would think would show up sooner, but it was a few weeks before Wellbutrin turned me into a paranoid mess that wanted to asphyxiate herself with carbon monoxide. And if it's the Prozac, it's going to be a while before I feel any better, thanks to it having such a ridiculously long half-life.

And once again, can people now see why I was so resistant to going back on medicine? 

Also, despite feeling hornier than fuck at times, I have been unable to have an orgasm.

Last year, we had a new MA start. And lately it has become apparent that she is one of the ones my boss allows to have special privileges. One of my coworkers said to me one day that she doesn't think this chick has worked a full 40 hour week since she started. And now that I think about it, I am starting to think it's true. She missed 3 days of work in January, conveniently got a doctor's excuse the day before a snowstorm, complained her knee was bothering her yet was able to exercise and then go skiing over a weekend where she supposedly got into an accident and broke ribs and then was out a whole week, and she just got back from a week long vacation last Monday and then had a doctor's appointment Wednesday and ended up not coming in the whole day, came in late Thursday and then left a half day, and then was out all Friday. She is also constantly coming in earlier if she has to leave early for an appointment, despite the fact that none of us are allowed to do that anymore (which I blame my FWA for that privilege being taken away).

And while I like this MA, there are times I am really starting to question whether I can trust her or if she is just like the MA she replaced, the one I worked with before I started back- a real trouble maker. Also, she is always in such a hurry to get work done, it's always being done half-assed (although I suspect a lot of times it's not so much she is in a hurry as much as she just simply doesn't feel like doing it) and then I have to clean it up and she is constantly texting on her phone or taking personal phone calls.I can't tell you how many times I have been waiting to use the scanner and she is back there supposedly scanning her own shit but is too busy texting on her phone. I'm telling you- it was better when the job of scanning was left to one person.

But the best part has been listening to my FWA complain all week about her and how much shit she gets away. Glass houses, FWA, glass houses.

On Friday, my FWA's friend posted some article about how chronic lateness might be a medical condition. Oh, that is all she needs to hear. No, honey, it's not a medical condition, it's just called you're a fat lazy slob who can't take responsibility for anything.

And going back to yesterday, aside from feeling so on edge, it was a nice day. A little chilly, but it was sunny and the sky was a flawless blue. More stores were missing from the boardwalk that I liked. And there was one restaurant that I have been going to since I was a kid that while they didn't have the best food (minus their outstanding apple crumb pie), I always liked the atmosphere of the place. And it is now gone. I was heartbroken when I found out last month that it had been sold and then to actually see it closed down was just depressing. I guess this is the fun of getting older, is it? Watching everything you like slowly disappear?

Random Thoughts

Two days down, three more to go until the weekend. Although I am dreading the closer to the weekend I get, because I just know my sister is going to say something about going to the Strawberry Festival and I wouldn't mind going again, but really don't want to drive up there with her husband.

Not this past weekend, but the prior weekend I went to Dairy Queen to try the salted caramel truffle Blizzard (very good) and while I was waiting in line I was reading the menu and they had 3 anniversary flavors, one of which was one of my favorites from back in the day- the brownie batter Blizzard. So this past weekend I wanted ice cream and decided I wanted that. And while I was waiting in line, I started to read through the menu again.....and happened to notice how short the Blizzard menu has gotten. And then I realized quite a few flavors that I like were no longer on the menu- mint Oreo, Oreo cheesequake, etc. DAIRY QUEEN, I AM DISAPPOINT.

I don't know what May's Blizzard of the Month will be, but I definitely want to try that brownie cookie dough one at some point. That looks heavenly. And if they'd bring back the Kit Kat Blizzard, that would be fantastic. And all I know is, I don't care if it's their 75th anniversary, the pumpkin pie Blizzard better be there in October!

I feel so damn bloated and swollen right now, I can't even stand it. You name it- my hands, my feet, every possible place imaginable. My stomach feels horrible. I have still been taking the Prozac every day and I keep thinking I need to cut back on it, but I get so wracked with guilt if I don't take it, that I end up taking it. And then I curse myself out later on when my stomach feels horrible. My anxiety levels are sky-high and my concentration levels are the pits and I don't know if it's hormone-related or possibly due to the increase in medicine. I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO ANY OF THIS. And it's driving me frigging mad.

Nope X Infinity

Last night I read an article on Cracked telling the story of 2 people who [barely] survived being mauled by bears. To say I was completely horrified by the time I finished reading it is an understatement. Especially the 25 year-old kid's story. JFC. And since I read it, I have not been able to stop thinking about the story. It even kept me up a good chunk of the night. Not that I ever looked at them fondly anyway nor do I know how much of the article is accurate on bear-human relations, but I will never ever look at bears the same way again.

And not long after I read that article, I saw a picture on my local news's website of a car accident that had occurred earlier in the day and the car had a fucking guardrail right through the middle of it. And naturally my twisted mind took that image and went to imagination town with it. It was at that point I was ready to climb under my bed covers and stay there forever.

Not quite sure why my anxiety has been so bad lately, unless it had to do with my impending period, which thankfully came today, so maybe it will lessen some.