Random Thoughts

Three weeks. It has been about three weeks that I have been having a funky heart rhythm, anxiety, and insomnia. WHAT IS GOING ON? I feel like crap. All I want is to sleep past 6:30AM just one goddamn morning. To not feel like my heart is going to give out any moment.

And right now I feel very bloated and my lower left side is feeling very crampy, as well as across my lower back. I had a little bit of very light reddish brown spotting earlier- right after I got off my bike after dinner. I hope to God this shit isn't starting up again.

I feel so goddamn depressed and I can't even figure out why, except due to being so anxious. I often wonder if I am depressed because I am anxious or anxious because I am depressed; I think it probably goes both ways, but I think it's the former more than the latter.

I am so damn frustrated with my work output. I was hoping that maybe once I was on medicine my concentration levels would improve, but so far there had been very little improvement, if any at all.  I still have the attention span of a gnat.

It's graduation time everywhere and it's depressing the hell out of me. I never thought I'd be 31 years-old without a college degree (then again, a lot of shit that happened after high school I didn't expect to happen). And people will stand there and say oh it's never too late to do anything, which yes, is true. But what they don't realize is that even if I finally finish my degree one day it will still eat at me that I didn't finish when I was supposed to. Years from now, it will still eat at my that I dropped anatomy lab in the middle of the semester because I was so paranoid I was going to end up failing. Do you know what my average was when I dropped it? I had a fucking A average.

If I could go back to the time in 2005 when I decided to quit Effexor cold turkey and slap myself, I would. Believe me, I was having problems long before that, but that was the final push.

I wish I could go away for a really long time.