The WTF Of The Day

Dancing With The Has Beens: 666 For Bristol Palin

Oh my. Despite looking quite gay (all together now....Hey!....Hey!....Hey, hey, hey!....macho, macho man....I gotta be a macho man), wow. Just wow. He looks....well, good. Almost worth contemplating having sex with....

Oh, who am I kidding? I'd hit it (provided there are plenty of Level 5 biohazard protection level condoms abound; I don't particularly want any STDs; although, to be fair here, any guy, STD free or not, can still give me the ultimate and worst STD of all, if you get my drift). Hard. I want him to bang me like a Salvation Army drum. Which is sick and disturbing on so many levels and I hate myself for thinking this because the only two reasons I can imagine any girl wanting to fuck the Situation are sluts or girls who are ridiculously sexually frustrated and desperate to get laid. And since we all know I am not a slut, I guess it means I just need to get laid already.

I want to take hot fudge and pour it all over his glorious yet freaky ass looking abs and lick it off very, very, very slowly. This is the kind of sexual relationship I would definitely factor sadism into. I'll whip him every time he says the word "situation" (5 whips if he says the phrase "we have a situation") or he lifts his shirt up (which means I will be cracking that whip a lot; good thing I have insurance now because I suspect I'll have a rotator cuff tear or carpal tunnel by the end of the night). What? He's basically rock hard! It shouldn't hurt! He will take it like a man and LIKE IT! He's a bad boy and he needs to be whipped. *whistles "Whip It" and cracks whip*

And because I also find him so unbearably cocky, I would also like to give El Sitcho here an ass-kicking similar to the one Adina administers to Jimmy in Sorority Boys.

How is it possible for someone to love themselves so much? I'd really like to know. And I am surprised that someone like him hangs out with meaty people. He puts me in the mind of someone who doesn't go near fat people for fear of catching their fat. I'd like to believe that his behavior is all an act and he is really a sweet guy. It would warm my black heart. After all, didn't you know he is Italian? Italian men should not act like dicks. They should treat women with respect.

I should summon my great-grandfathers from the grave to smack the shit out of these men.

If you want to hear something really crazy....I'd pay to see Mike make out with a male cast member. I'd like to see him make out with the one guy who seems kinda nice and semi-normal and not some roid-raged douchebag. Not the one who is terrifyingly enormous and looks like he has an IV of steroids hooked up to him 24/7 and not the one who looks like Bart Simpson (who also seems like he might be a nice guy, but....THAT HAIR). Vinny, I think his name is. A nice Italian name. I might do him, too. Hell, I might do them all. Except maybe Ronnie. He's cute, maybe the actual cutest of the 4, but I'd probably die of a crushed pelvis if he snoo-snooed me, although with as sexually frustrated as I am, there is a good chance I could crush his. Oh my yes.

Here is how it will play out- El Sitcho is first, despite the fact that he being chosen to be someone's first will probably further enlarge his ginormous ego. Then comes Pauly D (and a set of eye goggles). As for who comes third and fourth....well, Vinny and Ronnie will just have to fight to the death. No, that won't work at all. Ronnie will probably have an extreme advantage over Vinny, so....rock, scissors, paper? Yeah, that works. Three rounds of it, best out of 3. And then after all 4 have banged me (which I give 20 minutes total- 8 minutes for Vinny, 5 minutes each for Pauly and Ronnie, and 2 minutes for El Sitcho), George Clooney- who I don't even find that sexy, but since he seemed like the ideal example to use of extreme sexiness since he has been People's Sexiest Man Alive about six thousand times and since even straight men would willingly fuck him- will come through the door and he will do me until I scream "oh my gosh!" and then he will turn and stare at them without a word, which will make them all cry on the floor because their hotness and masculinity will never EVER measure up to George's. And "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls will be playing. Repeatedly. Yes. God bless Mother Nature indeed.

I found NASCAR Performance on the other day and I saw Bootie Barker. I'd still hit it.

Good God. I need to get laid already.

Random Thoughts

Finally! I finished Chasing Harry Winston. Definitely one of the most painstaking books I have had to read (on my own that is; generally anything I was forced to read in high school or college was also downright dreadful). One hundred pages left to read and I put the book down and said "shit, I'd rather be reading The Hot Zone again!". This book....I really have no idea what its exact purpose was. Leigh was the most tolerable character, although still dislikable. Emmy....wow, let's glamorize being a whore now, should we? Adriana was a Janey Wilcox lite and I was going to scream if I had to see "querida/o" one more time. The only character worth liking was the crazy ass bird Otis. I like The Devil Wears Prada. I read it a long time ago, way before the movie came out. But this book was dreadful. It's like the time I read Citizen Girl. I read The Nanny Diaries right after Prada and enjoyed that as well. CG, on the other hand....well, I still have no idea what that was about. I read Dedication last year and I was actually surprised by how much I liked it, particularly the decade of the moment pop culture references and aside from the fact that most of the book, I just wanted to grab Katie, shake her, and scream THE HELL WITH JAKE!

Make sure you check out the new link under "Sites I Like To Stalk" entitled Cheesin Chadwick. It's a site dedicated to Chad Knaus and while I am not someone who would call him a stud, the site is hilarious. The first time I read it, I almost pissed my pants multiple times. And speaking of crew chiefs, I finally see a ring on Bootie Barker's hands. Its about time. He announced he was engaged in fucking 2007. Like I would ever forget that. It depressed the hell out of me at the time, since I was smitten with him. Why? I can't ever explain. Of course, now I couldn't give a shit. I was upset at the time for watching the show, but if I hadn't, I wouldn't have ever been reminded of who Deee-Lite was. But imagine if in some strange parallel universe, I had the oppurtunity to marry him....it would never work. Why? Because judging by past interviews, he is obviously a die-hard Republican and was a staunch supporter of the Iraqi War. I'd be fighting with him constantly.

Gee, a Republican Southerner who works in NASCAR....who would have thunk it?

Beta Blocker Blocks Feelings of Bad Memories

Hey, I wouldn't mind some of that. Now if they could just create something that zaps bad feelings and thoughts. The first thing I would do is find where the thought is that pains me so greatly and BOOM! zap it. That would rule. No longer will I have to sit around day in and day out and stress over how I could ever tell someone something that unfairly makes other people angry.

People suck.

She's Back!

What a week.

I don't know how long it was, but I know it started sometime last week, my left ankle started to feel weird. It cracked a lot and if I plantar flexed it, I felt this kind of pressure pain, like the area needed to be popped. Wednesday, I woke up and while up, I decided to flex it and while doing so, I felt a strong pain. Not anything to make me scream or hit something, but a pain nonetheless. And after I stopped, the back of my heel hurt whenever I walked. It also hurt to plantar flex and dorsiflex my foot. Of course, the first thing in my mind was ruptured or torn Achilles tendon. So I spent most of the day sitting with ice and my stomach in knots of what I would do if it was something serious.

Its better now. It doesn't hurt to walk and still hurts a little to flex it in certain ways. It hurts a little coming down steps, but I am fine going up them. There hasn't been any redness, swelling, or bruising. Nothing feels out of the ordinary when I touch it and there is also no pain on palpating. I am not too worried about being injured; I am worried about doing something more serious to it and I am also worried about when I can get back out exercising. Unfortunately, my plans to be a runner are going to have to be put on hold until I get medical and am thoroughly checked out by a doctor. I never realized how bad it was to run on concrete and asphalt, especially with worn sneakers (which I just replaced on Sunday, my last run).

I am also having trouble walking because I am so scared of doing something that my legs shake pretty bad when I am walking. I finally braved getting on my stationary bike tonight and the whole time I was on it, I was shaking from head to toe. I can honestly see how people piss their pants when they get scared because the entire time I felt like I was going to because I was so damn scared. Gross, I know. I just hope this goes clears up soon.

I don't know why but for some reason I saw some NASCAR shit on earlier and I decided to see if NASCAR Perfomance was going to be coming back. I'm so over my crush on Bootie Barker (yes, I admit, I was quite smitten with him once upon a time), but I was still curious to see. I'm so sick of hearing people praise about what a wonderful crew chief he is. He isn't even that good. When the hell was the last time his driver won a race? Back when I actually watched it, I discovered that all of his drivers- up until Johnny Sauter aka Mr. Cortney, who I also had a crush on- finished 28th. Johnny Boy blew it in the last race, probably because he was too distracted from being pussy whipped by Cortney. Okay, so Robert isn't terrible, but I am not going to sit here and kiss his fucking ass. No one will say it, but come on- we all know the real reason why people say he is one of the best. And as we all know....I don't play that way.

Random Thoughts

To see if I still had an old jounral in which I bitched about someone I just recently got in contact with again, I read through some old journals (yes, it was in one) and man, I am one fucked up bitch. Seriously- I have some major issues. I bitched about Janey Wilcox from Trading Up and yet I fantasize about being a manipulative bitch like her. Not quite to the extent she was (I don't do blow-jobs), but close enough. My exact words were,

I've had so many bad fantasies- like of posing naked (if I had the body), doing drugs, using men, being a prostitute....just being a bad girl. I want to fuck people over and not feel bad about it.

And you want to tell me that fantasizing about this stuff constantly is a sign of a normal mind? I still do fantasize about it. But then again, I guess I've spent so many years being this goody two-shoes that I'm just starting to get sick and tired of it and want to rebel.

There was also an entry where I complained about Bootie Barker singing "Groove Is In The Hall" and what was my exact response to his singing? "He sings as well as he walks". Yeah, that was probably even a bit low for me, but hey, disabled people are the first ones to say to treat them the same, so that is exactly what I am doing. No different than making fun of someone's height.

Speaking of Trading Up, I amazingly finally finished it. It's not a difficult book to read, although there are times I read through and thought, um, was that really that direly needed to be included; it seemed like a lot of yapping instead of just getting straight to the point. And oy vey, the storylines were all over the place. Janey was a dirty rotten narcisstic whore and did not get absolutely one ounce of the punishment she deserved. That bitch needed to be brought down. The Patty and Mimi storylines dropped off the face of the earth towards the end. What ever became of Mimi's pregnancy? And frankly, I still do not see what Selden (Janey's husband) did that was so awful and that she did not deserve. He gave her everything her shriveled little black heart desired. She got pissed at him for having to choose between her or his job and what was the difference? She didn't even love him! I don't doubt for a second that there are people out there just like these characters, but the only thing that can completely excuse this book is if it was satire. I wonder if the owner who left it on the airplane accidently left it there or was so disgusted they figured they would leave it for someone else.

And need a good drinking game? Read this book and every time someone says darling, take a drink. You won't even be half way through it and you will be dangerously drunk. Or a really good drinking game would be to take a shot every time Janey is a disgusting vile bitch.

Ugh, I was thinking earlier how I miss election time. Yeah, it was nerve-wracking as hell, but it had my mind so occupied that many of the crazy thoughts that normally invade my mind were pushed onto the back burner. I was really caught up in it. I have never seen myself get so passionate over anything in my life. My mother was really caught up in it as well.

So I hear Fatfuck Limbaugh has said that he hopes Obama fails? Good grief. I have never met such a disgusting vile fucking pig in my life as that jerk off. I wish he would go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney as well or eat himself to death. He is already on a good path for the latter to happen. If I was forced to choose between voting for Sarah Palin or Limbaugh, I think I would just pick up a gun and blow my brains out. Hey, I didn't want Bush in the last election, but I still hoped he would at least pull the country back together.

And last but not least....pictures of Clive Owen with no shirt on.

An Ode To Deee-Lite

Most of you all know who Deee-Lite is, whether you realize it or not. If you do not recognize the name, you'll recognize this-

GROOVE. IS. IN. THE. HEART.

Now do you recognize them? That's what I thought.

Deee-Lite is, simply, one of the best groups to ever exist. Yeah, most people who do vaguely know who they are will stand there and say, yeah "Groove" was fun, but they were a one hit wonder. Nothing to get fascinated by. Not true. They may have been a one hit wonder on the mainstream charts, but they had quite a few number 1 hits on the dance charts; I think something like 11. They were a group that many people couldn't be bothered with and I say, good! Let them stick with their shitty, mainstream music!

For those who do not know, Deee-Lite was made up of Lady Miss Kier, the most beautiful woman to ever exist, DJ Dmitry, who she dated, and DJ Towa Tei.

NASCAR crew chief Bootie Barker can be thanked for reminding me of the song "Groove is in the Heart", which one thing lead to another and before I knew it, I owned 4 of their CDs, a poster, and I had developed a crush on DJ Dmitry and a huge girl crush on Lady Miss Kier. Taking a quick trip back, after finding out who actually sang the song, I never really knew anything about the group. I honestly thought it was an all chick-group, complete with a bleached-blonde trashy-looking thing for a lead singer (not that I thought she sounded trashy- please, far from it- it just seems like that's what everyone looks like when you end up actually placing a face to a voice). Boy, was I surprised to find out it was a group made up of 2 men and tiny little red-head.

Bootie Barker is an asshole.

Lady Miss Kier was and will always be the most beautiful woman to ever exist. She is the only person in existant that I can define as both pretty and cute. And she had a wicked fashion sense. I loved her style from the World Clique era (the and I quote "female drag queen schtick") and the Infinity Within era. Those catsuits, especially from the "Groove" video....hot. And her look from Infinity Within was old-school movie star and it was just beautiful. The look during Dewdrops, when they got more into the rave scene, was cute, but it wasn't anything I have never seen before. As Office Barbrady would say...."All right people, nothing to see here, move along". She gets extra props for her style because....I mean, come on, it was the 90's, for God's sake. If anyone can be labeled as having good fashion in the 90's, they are amazing.

But it is just not her looks that I am "in love" with- it's her in general. She is one of the most good-hearted people I have ever read on. She is one of the rare few who genuinely cares about the environment, long before it became the latest fad, but was met with criticism for it. Why is it okay for Brad Pitt and everyone else to preach it, but because she was the lead singer of a house/dance group, it's not okay? What's not to love about her? She's pro-choice, anti-Bush, pro-protective sex, and makes a wicked cartoon character. She is so goddamn cool, it makes my head hurt. And I wish people would lay off on her for gaining weight. It's more than a decade later- do you honestly expect her to look the same? Maybe she went through a rough time. She doesn't seem to mind; she thinks she is sexier than ever and I say, good for her for thinking so. Dmitry has gotten quite chubby; is anyone going to harp and nag on him for it?

It's not nice, but sometimes I can't help but laugh when I see pictures of her now. Not that I am laughing at her. More so because it makes her seem more human and because it does not seem to bother her one bit. I don't think I am that much heavier than her, but you would have to pay me a shit ton of money to wear any of the clothes she wears.

Lady Miss Kier is a bad ass. A real mama jama. She is awesome to the nth degree, but she does kind of scare me. Most interviews I read, she is so sweet, I develop diabetes temporarily, but she still puts me in the mind of someone who is very nice, but screw with her and she will beat you with a pair of platforms. I have also heard the term "diva" referenced several times after speaking of her. This was in an article with Bill Coleman, their manager or something:

So it was like, I'm too young, I really don't need this stress, I had enough stress with Deeelite. What is it with me and the divas, they are just all out of control.

And then there was also that one Infinity Within era interview where she was, um, very abrupt. Now being bad ass is cool, but I hope she was never a Mariah Carey-like diva or one of these diva-ish women who demanded all of her drinks to be at exactly 53.75642*F and swirled 174 times in a counterclockwise direction.

Here is another one of the entire band as cartoon characters.

I guarantee if you were to ask someone who knows "Groove Is In The Heart" and is not an actual fan of the band, what their impression would be of the band. I think Deee-Lite is a sorely misunderstood band. There is a lot more to know about them than people think. For instance, Lady Miss Kier wrote all the lyrics (a few were co-written by Dmitry). Aside from sampling in a few songs, they wrote their own music. I think I remember reading in the one of CD pamphlets that the first and second albums were recorded in their home. They did a lot of stuff all on their own. They really are a lot more talented than people would give them credit for.

"Groove" was fun, but I think they had much better songs. Not that I mind cursing, but one of the things that strongly appeals to me about their music is how clean it is. There is not one curse word in any of their songs! There were certainly several songs with sexual tones ("Rubber Lover" anyone?) and the lyrics still managed to stay pretty squeaky clean! Infinity Within is my favorite album of the 3, then World Clique, and lastly, Dewdrops. I have never listened to Sampladelic Relics & Dancefloor Oddities. Did you know they were initially signed for a 7 record deal? Too bad they never made it to 7. If they could have released one more album, I wish they would have done a holiday album. I mean, if Twisted Sister could....

I might be the only one to find that extremely entertaining.

It may sound ridiculous, but their music and the group itself has done more for me than any antidepressant has done for me. No matter how bad of a mood I can be in, if I listen to them or watch a video on Youtube or see them on Vh-1's 100 Greatest One Hit Wonders or Greatest Hits of the 90's, it makes me happy. If I were a cartoon character, every time something related to them appears, my eyes would bug out with hearts in place of the pupil.

If you do not know Deee-Lite well, I seriously suggest you give them a try. Check out their 4 other videos over on Youtube ("Power of Love", "Good Beat", "Runaway", and "Picnic in the Summertime"- just a quick note that the first three are slightly different versions than what are on the CDs). Don't write them off over one song. I would recommend other songs, but there are just too many good ones. Alright I will list a few of my favorites, no particular order:

1. Thank You Everyday
2. I Won't Give Up
3. Fuddy Duddy Judge
4. Two Clouds Above Nine
5. Good Beat
6. World Clique
7. Smile On
8. Love Is Everything
9. Bittersweet Love
10. ESP
11. I Had A Dream I Was Falling Through A Hole In The Ozone Layer
12. Electric Shock
13. Runaway
14. Power of Love
15. Come On In, The Dreams Are Fine (if this song doesn't make you feel good, you have no soul)