Random Thoughts

So far doing well with work. Frankly, finally having some variety in work tasks is extremely appealing to me.

My manager has told me numerous times that she trusts me to handle many of the tasks in the office and that I should take it as a good thing. She also tells me I need to have more confidence in myself. Which I am well aware of. Every time people tell me that, I feel like saying trust me I know. Of course, my problem isn't so much I need more confidence in myself. I need confidence period, because I have very little, if any. If I had confidence in myself, I wouldn't be working there. I would have graduated college like a normal person, probably working as a radiology technologist like I initially planned on doing. Until mental illness, an ever increasing decline in confidence and self esteem, and an overwhelming fear of touching people got in the way.

For the longest time, if I was having to eat out on Sunday, I would get annoyed. Lately, though, it's all I have been wanting to do. I almost was going to eat home tonight, but convinced everyone to order pizza. And now I feel really guilty and like a real shithead for doing so, not to mention what my digestive system feels like. And I know when I wake up tomorrow morning, my digestive system is going to feel even worse, and I'm really going to curse myself. I'm also feeling guilty for making my parents eat bad, especially with their cholesterol levels. I feel like a rotten child.

"Comfortably Numb"just came up on my iTunes playlist. I wish I was comfortably numb right now. Also, I wish one day in work, a patient would come up to the desk window, no one will be there at the moment, and they say "hello, hello, hello is there anybody in there?". I swear to God, I would give that person $50, because it would absolutely make my day.