Random Thoughts

I saw an article earlier over in Dlisted about the new People magazine with Catherine Zeta Jones on the front cover and I had to laugh at this quote in regards to her diagnosis of bipolar disorder:

There is no shame in seeking help

Then why are you suddenly just coming to light with getting help for your alleged bipolar, Catherine? Where were you all the time before? Just suddenly diagnosed with it? Bipolar does not just spring up over night like a frigging zit. Oh, I guess it is easy to push people to get mental health care when you are loaded with money. Not when you are some poor little "common" person with shitty health insurance that limits your psychiatric and therapy visits to so many visits a year and increases your co-pay or doesn't even cover mental health care at all. Fuck you.

I hate celebrities. They are slapped with some diagnosis and suddenly turn into advocates and experts on the disease. Fuck celebrities and fuck the psychiatric world.

I was driving home from work earlier and I was thinking about having mental illness and I started to wonder- will I ever get to be truly happy? I mean, actual genuine natural occuring happy. Not happy caused by pills regulating brain chemicals or electrical shock therapy or whatever new thing the field of psychiatry creates to make a profit while destroying peoplep's brains. And I realized that no, I probably never will know what it is like to feel genuine happiness. And I felt like letting out a scream loud enough to break my car windows.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like I am in a room I cannot escape from. Basically the worst prison imaginable. And I cannot, no matter what I do, get anyone to even get one inkling of understanding of what this nightmare is like. I just can't get through to anyone. I don't know how much more screaming I can do until someone finally HEARS ME OUT.

That last line reminded me of "Written In The Stars". I absolutely cannot get enough of that song. I downloaded it off of Walmart.com on April 7 and since then I have listened to it 279 times:









I absolutely love this song yet every time I listen to it, I just want to fall on the floor and cry. I mean, like loud howling sobs. I don't know why. It makes me sad for some reason. And I can't place my finger on why, but the line "but I will never change" always hits the hardest.

On another note, I was doing my usual thing on Monday night to pleasure myself and I made it to two orgasms and then I cannot remember what I thought of, but whatever it was it somehow caused me to [whatever the female version of cockblock] myself. I could not get anything at all afterwards. I was pissed beyond belief. The same thing happened on Tuesday night as well. The third orgasm is usually the best. I am talking *imitates explosion* It's fantastic.