Random Thoughts

Once again, another week of my mother not talking to me. I don't even know what the reasoning is behind it this time, except if it is due to Monday night when she decided to yell at me that if I didn't knock it off she was going to kill me (not literally, of course) and I yelled back that I wish someone would. I was dead serious. So I guess her punishment for me is to not talk to me. Which isolating and not talking to someone with suicidal ideation is always a wise decision. But what do I know?

I am tired of this. I keep reminding myself of why I need to stick around, of all of the places I have not visited, people I want to meet, that I am going to have a niece or nephew in a few months....and it's getting increasingly harder to convince myself that these are worthy reasons when the reasons to not stick around keep on increasing.

And getting the silent treatment and others brushing me off when I try to talk to them is only adding fuel to the fire. For cripe's sake, if I am talking to you about something bothering me, it's not because I just feel like running my mouth. It's because I have finally reached the point where I don't know how to help myself and I want someone to help me. Everyone in my family has the theory that the only way to help yourself is to do just that- help yourself. Which I agree with to a certain point. But there comes a time where that isn't an option. I don't know what to do for myself anymore. I don't know what it is going to take for me to finally hit rock bottom and say "I can't fucking deal with this anymore, something has to give". I can't even imagine feeling any worse than I already do. And of course the sick twisted area of my brain is going to convince me that if no one wants to help me, then they don't give a shit, so why should I? I'm trying to ignore it.

When I was down the shore a couple weeks ago, I don't recall the reason why suicide came up, but at one point my sister starts reeling off different ways of offing yourself. Since I was hospitalized, I keep my suicidal thoughts to myself, which is probably the worst thing to do, but since my family is not known for acting rationally with most things, I know if I tell my family, they will make it a thousand times worse. But I so badly wanted to turn to her and say please stop this isn't good.

I went to that link I posted on the side, the "Suicide: Read This First", and while I was reading it, I happened to look up at the address bar and noticed the site is metanoia.org, and I started giggling.

I was watching the Weather Channel earlier and they were discussing Hurricane/Tropical Storm/Whatever it is now Isaac. I know there were manditory evacuations in some areas. I can't even imagine how scary that must be. Irene scared me enough last year. Knowing I am being forced to leave my home, and possibly not having one to come home to afterwards, is scary.

And it's odd how all of the years I have spent watching the Weather Channel and reading up on weather topics that I never knew until last year when Irene was coming that hurricanes can spawn tornadoes. I even remember doing a research paper on hurricanes in eighth grade, but I don't recall reading that. I am looking at the SPC website right now and I swear the same area has been under a tornado watch since Tuesday. One expires and a new one is right there to take its place. Why doesn't the NWS just issue one giant long tornado watch instead of issuing several smaller ones? The first one went into effect 9:45AM CDT on Tuesday. Why not expand the area of the watch (obviously I realize the areas are adjusting with each new watch) and just issue one from 9:45AM CDT Tuesday 8/28/12 until whenever Isaac decides to get his ass out of there?

God I love the SPC webpage. It's like porn to me. If only I could understand half of what I am reading. And I don't know why, but whenever I read the archived storm reports and it says a tornado was reported crossing a highway, I always start giggling. I can picture a cartoon twister flying across a field, stopping at the edge of the highway, swinging both ways as if to check if it's clear, and then zooming across the highway.