My God, am I off the wall today. I am so anxious and on edge and emotional. I kept breaking out on warm flashes, especially when I was talking with anyone. I am super nauseous and have the worst taste in my mouth. I decided to take soup for lunch and I always love this brand of chicken noodle and was looking forward to eating it, but when I opened the container I felt like puking from the smell of it. It didn't taste bad, but I felt like puking the whole time I was eating it. My coffee made me want to puke. I opened up a banana and felt sick to my stomach from the smell of it. Nearly everything I have eaten today has turned my stomach. I couldn't concentrate on my work for anything. I'm exhausted. The eyebrow area above my right eye is still hurting every time I move my eyes. The sock on my left foot drove me nuts the whole day.
I don't understand what is going on with me. It's not like I caught fucking Ebola or something. All I had was the flu that was at its worse 2 days tops. For the flu, I think I fared through it amazingly well and quick. Nothing severe. And it really rattled my nerves.
And I thought of something last night- is this sudden overabundance of anxiety from not exercising? I have never gone 4 days straight of not exercising. Maybe exercising was keeping my anxiety in check more than I thought. I can't stand it, I just want to get back to exercising.
Showing posts with label Ebola. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ebola. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Random Thoughts
I keep seeing all of these parodies popping up on the internet of that "10 hours of walking in NYC as a woman" video. I am so glad people find it so fucking funny for a woman to be treated that way. I wonder how the men making all of these parodies would feel if it was their own female flesh and blood in that video. I bet they would be real thrilled.
Also, I am sick of seeing that "Ebola nurse". I thought we were finally done having to hear any more of her incessant whining, but then my local news talked about her last night. Bitch, you worked with Ebola patients. Stop whining and sit the fuck down already.
Last night I was in Target and I was looking at ice cream and I saw pumpkin pie ice cream (Market Pantry brand) and it was not only just 130 calories for a half cup, but it also said it had pie crust pieces in it, so I decided to buy it. Oh my god it is SO GOOD. Almost like a pumpkin pie Blizzard.
Friday night I must have been really tired, because I could barely stay awake past 1:30AM and except for waking up once to pee, I slept until 11:45AM. I haven't slept that late in a long time. And I was pissed because I missed Sea Rescue. And yet somehow I was still very tired all Saturday. I was also so damn moody and depressed yesterday I couldn't stand it. And then going out and seeing all of the Christmas decorations everywhere only made me feel worse. It would be nice if one goddamn Christmas season I could feel pleasant and not like wanting to end everything.
I couldn't even feel pleasant last week at Apple Fest. I felt miserable and depressed then, too. I am so damn tired of it. I just want to feel happy for once. Not that I even deserve to.
And speaking of Peddler's, every time I am in the Pine Wreath & Candle store, I always think of that time I was in there and heard "A Song Can Change Your Life" for the first time. I have been listening to that song a lot lately again. There is something about the line "we start to see the end of endless nights" that always gets to me. I don't really know why.
I feel like since That Thing came back into my life, I have been seeing a lot more stories in the news about paralysis. It might just be me paying more attention to it and there really aren't more stories, but either way you look at it, it's getting on my last nerve. I was doing a report on Friday and I came across the term "dermatomes", a term I have never heard, so I googled it. Not a term I needed to come across. Not that we see a lot of injuries like that (I think of the 3 years I have worked for that company, I have only seen maybe 3 cases at the most), but honestly, working in orthopedics is not a good thing for me, because it kind of just fuels the fire in that it gives me more access and opportunity to research this stuff. If I have an orthopedic website opened on my computer, I doubt anyone will really question it, because I do need to research stuff often.
I haven't done any research on spinal injuries lately, but I can't tell you how hard and torturous it is to resist doing it. I finally had to clear out both of my browser histories to make it less easy to access the information. Of course I can still go back to the websites and read up on it, but it's easier to resist when it's not right there in your browser history to bring up. It's very hard to resist though. Like having head to toe poison ivy and not being allowed to scratch it. Not that I have ever had poison ivy to know just how itchy it is, but you get the drift.
And going back to the abasiophiliac thing, one thing I always wonder is, how exactly do disabled people actually feel about it? Is it flattering? Offensive? I am guessing if I polled people, it would probably go both ways. If I had someone tell me they were attracted to my mental issues, I am not sure how I would feel about it. I don't think I would feel offended, but I also don't think I would feel too flattered, either. Probably more shocked, if anything. And maybe a little creeped out.
Also, I am sick of seeing that "Ebola nurse". I thought we were finally done having to hear any more of her incessant whining, but then my local news talked about her last night. Bitch, you worked with Ebola patients. Stop whining and sit the fuck down already.
Last night I was in Target and I was looking at ice cream and I saw pumpkin pie ice cream (Market Pantry brand) and it was not only just 130 calories for a half cup, but it also said it had pie crust pieces in it, so I decided to buy it. Oh my god it is SO GOOD. Almost like a pumpkin pie Blizzard.
Friday night I must have been really tired, because I could barely stay awake past 1:30AM and except for waking up once to pee, I slept until 11:45AM. I haven't slept that late in a long time. And I was pissed because I missed Sea Rescue. And yet somehow I was still very tired all Saturday. I was also so damn moody and depressed yesterday I couldn't stand it. And then going out and seeing all of the Christmas decorations everywhere only made me feel worse. It would be nice if one goddamn Christmas season I could feel pleasant and not like wanting to end everything.
I couldn't even feel pleasant last week at Apple Fest. I felt miserable and depressed then, too. I am so damn tired of it. I just want to feel happy for once. Not that I even deserve to.
And speaking of Peddler's, every time I am in the Pine Wreath & Candle store, I always think of that time I was in there and heard "A Song Can Change Your Life" for the first time. I have been listening to that song a lot lately again. There is something about the line "we start to see the end of endless nights" that always gets to me. I don't really know why.
I feel like since That Thing came back into my life, I have been seeing a lot more stories in the news about paralysis. It might just be me paying more attention to it and there really aren't more stories, but either way you look at it, it's getting on my last nerve. I was doing a report on Friday and I came across the term "dermatomes", a term I have never heard, so I googled it. Not a term I needed to come across. Not that we see a lot of injuries like that (I think of the 3 years I have worked for that company, I have only seen maybe 3 cases at the most), but honestly, working in orthopedics is not a good thing for me, because it kind of just fuels the fire in that it gives me more access and opportunity to research this stuff. If I have an orthopedic website opened on my computer, I doubt anyone will really question it, because I do need to research stuff often.
I haven't done any research on spinal injuries lately, but I can't tell you how hard and torturous it is to resist doing it. I finally had to clear out both of my browser histories to make it less easy to access the information. Of course I can still go back to the websites and read up on it, but it's easier to resist when it's not right there in your browser history to bring up. It's very hard to resist though. Like having head to toe poison ivy and not being allowed to scratch it. Not that I have ever had poison ivy to know just how itchy it is, but you get the drift.
And going back to the abasiophiliac thing, one thing I always wonder is, how exactly do disabled people actually feel about it? Is it flattering? Offensive? I am guessing if I polled people, it would probably go both ways. If I had someone tell me they were attracted to my mental issues, I am not sure how I would feel about it. I don't think I would feel offended, but I also don't think I would feel too flattered, either. Probably more shocked, if anything. And maybe a little creeped out.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Ugh
I have been up since 5AM. I went to bed feeling kind of warm despite the house being 73 degrees and woke up feeling kind of warm and couldn't fall back asleep. I sweated a lot more than usual while exercising, then took my clothes off to get in the shower and was freezing. I hope to God this shit isn't starting again. After the experience in the bathroom last night, I am feeling super anxious as is. Now I feel even worse and my heart will not stop racing and I really don't want to have to resort to taking an Ativan, but I don't know if I can ride this out.
I am so over this hormone shit.
ETA 9:24PM: Frick, I feel like shit. All day I have been hot and cold, nauseous, cramping big time across my lower abdomen, into my right hip, across my lower back and down both of my thighs, my head hurts, my throat hurts, my heart won't stop racing, etc. I am so fucking anxious I just want to tear my brain out. I had to do everything in my power to keep it together in work, because any second I was about to come apart. I wanted so badly to take an Ativan but I am pretty sure I would have faceplanted my keyboard, because I could barely stay awake as it was.
I don't understand why I feel so horrible, although all I can think is PERIMENOPAUSE. I briefly thought OMG EBOLA on the way home from work and at that point I was about to run my car into a tree. I don't know why I said before I would rather have my mind focused on perimenopause than That Thing; I honestly don't know which is worse. They're both pretty terrible, to be honest.
And then my boss asked me today if I would be interested in doing any overtime. I wanted to scream. I didn't stay today, although I wouldn't have minded staying, but I was too damn anxious and feeling too shitty to stick around. But one of my coworkers told me that our manager made some comment that she doesn't care what goes on in the office as long as the work gets done, probably some kind of snide comment in reference to my other coworker bitching about my FWA. Nice, huh? So someone can use an hour plus of company time to talk to their fat mama- as long as the work gets done? Even if the work burden lands on someone else? And just because the work gets done DOESN'T MEAN IT GETS DONE CORRECTLY. But I guess you would know that if you had common sense. If I ever needed proof that my manager is a moron, here it is.
I am so over this hormone shit.
ETA 9:24PM: Frick, I feel like shit. All day I have been hot and cold, nauseous, cramping big time across my lower abdomen, into my right hip, across my lower back and down both of my thighs, my head hurts, my throat hurts, my heart won't stop racing, etc. I am so fucking anxious I just want to tear my brain out. I had to do everything in my power to keep it together in work, because any second I was about to come apart. I wanted so badly to take an Ativan but I am pretty sure I would have faceplanted my keyboard, because I could barely stay awake as it was.
I don't understand why I feel so horrible, although all I can think is PERIMENOPAUSE. I briefly thought OMG EBOLA on the way home from work and at that point I was about to run my car into a tree. I don't know why I said before I would rather have my mind focused on perimenopause than That Thing; I honestly don't know which is worse. They're both pretty terrible, to be honest.
And then my boss asked me today if I would be interested in doing any overtime. I wanted to scream. I didn't stay today, although I wouldn't have minded staying, but I was too damn anxious and feeling too shitty to stick around. But one of my coworkers told me that our manager made some comment that she doesn't care what goes on in the office as long as the work gets done, probably some kind of snide comment in reference to my other coworker bitching about my FWA. Nice, huh? So someone can use an hour plus of company time to talk to their fat mama- as long as the work gets done? Even if the work burden lands on someone else? And just because the work gets done DOESN'T MEAN IT GETS DONE CORRECTLY. But I guess you would know that if you had common sense. If I ever needed proof that my manager is a moron, here it is.
Friday, October 3, 2014
JFC
BREAKING: Possible Ebola Case Identified in Washington, D.C.
Okay, now it's getting way too close for comfort. I don't even know what I will do if I hear a case or possible case of it is in NJ. This is like a fucking nightmare. And I am tired of hearing people say it is not as contagious as it is made out to be- it's fucking Ebola!
And yes, I may want to die more often than not, but dying of a disease that can make you hemorrhage from various parts of your body is not my idea of how I would want to die.
God, I feel like my heart is going to come out of my chest and I want to rip my fucking skin off right now. I have taken a total of 4 faux Midol pills (240 mg of caffeine), plus had 2 cups of half caf coffee (probably 100+ mg) and a can of soda (46 mg?). I always forget how much caffeine is in those damn period pills, but it's not hard to when you feel like you have a gang of Celtic dancers stomping on your uterus and on your lower back.
And this horniness needs to calm down. I can't deal with it anymore. It's pretty sad that 3 orgasms a day, several times a week isn't doing anything to calm it down. And there were some pretty damn good ones in there, too. You position your body a certain way right before you are about to orgasm in addition to holding off before letting go.....fucking hell, man.
I guess this is what happens when you're a 30, almost 31 year old virgin.
ETA 10:17PM: I just saw a news headline pop up on my newsfeed. Judging by the sick (literally and figuratively) feeling I felt.....That Thing is coming back.
Never mind about the whole Ebola thing. Right now I would welcome a bad case of it. Hopefully one that wouldn't affect anyone else and would kill me in less than 24 hours.
Also, some kid I kind of "dated" in high school just friended me on Facebook. I accepted it but I feel super awkward now. I don't know why. What the hell made him friend me?
ETA 12:21AM: My mom started to tell me about the story earlier and she just kept going on and on and on and on about it until finally I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped "YES I HEARD THE STORY ALREADY!" And then she got all upset. Now I feel even worse than I already did. I can't believe I am going to have to go through this again. And it all started due to a dream. About someone else. Someone who is perfectly able-bodied.
I can't believe these words are going to come out of my mouth, but I would much rather have my sick twisted mind focused on early perimenopause. Or even Addison's disease again (which if I recall, was what originally took my mind off of it). FML.
And screw my anti-medication stance right now. I am taking an Ativan. Almost wishing I would get the guts to take the whole bottle with a bottle of vodka.
Okay, now it's getting way too close for comfort. I don't even know what I will do if I hear a case or possible case of it is in NJ. This is like a fucking nightmare. And I am tired of hearing people say it is not as contagious as it is made out to be- it's fucking Ebola!
And yes, I may want to die more often than not, but dying of a disease that can make you hemorrhage from various parts of your body is not my idea of how I would want to die.
God, I feel like my heart is going to come out of my chest and I want to rip my fucking skin off right now. I have taken a total of 4 faux Midol pills (240 mg of caffeine), plus had 2 cups of half caf coffee (probably 100+ mg) and a can of soda (46 mg?). I always forget how much caffeine is in those damn period pills, but it's not hard to when you feel like you have a gang of Celtic dancers stomping on your uterus and on your lower back.
And this horniness needs to calm down. I can't deal with it anymore. It's pretty sad that 3 orgasms a day, several times a week isn't doing anything to calm it down. And there were some pretty damn good ones in there, too. You position your body a certain way right before you are about to orgasm in addition to holding off before letting go.....fucking hell, man.
I guess this is what happens when you're a 30, almost 31 year old virgin.
ETA 10:17PM: I just saw a news headline pop up on my newsfeed. Judging by the sick (literally and figuratively) feeling I felt.....That Thing is coming back.
Never mind about the whole Ebola thing. Right now I would welcome a bad case of it. Hopefully one that wouldn't affect anyone else and would kill me in less than 24 hours.
Also, some kid I kind of "dated" in high school just friended me on Facebook. I accepted it but I feel super awkward now. I don't know why. What the hell made him friend me?
ETA 12:21AM: My mom started to tell me about the story earlier and she just kept going on and on and on and on about it until finally I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped "YES I HEARD THE STORY ALREADY!" And then she got all upset. Now I feel even worse than I already did. I can't believe I am going to have to go through this again. And it all started due to a dream. About someone else. Someone who is perfectly able-bodied.
I can't believe these words are going to come out of my mouth, but I would much rather have my sick twisted mind focused on early perimenopause. Or even Addison's disease again (which if I recall, was what originally took my mind off of it). FML.
And screw my anti-medication stance right now. I am taking an Ativan. Almost wishing I would get the guts to take the whole bottle with a bottle of vodka.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
The WTF Of The Day
Ebola Clinic Is Looted In Liberian Capital's Largest Slum
Let me get this straight- the residents are pissed that Ebola victims were brought to their town, so they decide the answer is to raid the quarantine center and loot contaminated items? WAT
That would have been like me going in and demanding to have my adrenal glands removed during the height of my Addison's fear phase. I think. Does that comparison make sense? I think it does. Then again, I am so damn tired right now I can't even see straight.
Let me get this straight- the residents are pissed that Ebola victims were brought to their town, so they decide the answer is to raid the quarantine center and loot contaminated items? WAT
That would have been like me going in and demanding to have my adrenal glands removed during the height of my Addison's fear phase. I think. Does that comparison make sense? I think it does. Then again, I am so damn tired right now I can't even see straight.
Monday, July 28, 2014
NOPE X Infinity
Ebola, Spreading in Africa, Could Land in US
JFC that is the scariest thing I have read in I don't even know how long. It's so terrifying that every time I try to fathom just how scary it could be, my brain shorts out. I am going to be having repressed nightmares of The Hot Zone again.
If I ever hear ONE story of ebola being here, I am never leaving the house again.
JFC that is the scariest thing I have read in I don't even know how long. It's so terrifying that every time I try to fathom just how scary it could be, my brain shorts out. I am going to be having repressed nightmares of The Hot Zone again.
If I ever hear ONE story of ebola being here, I am never leaving the house again.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
More Scariness!
On my rampant quest to force feed books down my throat, I took another trip up to the library on Thursday and checked out 7 more books. Two down, five more to go. The first one I read was Something Borrowed by Emily Giffin, which was a bit drawn out, but otherwise pretty good. I attempted to read Something Blue but Darcy is so intolerable, I decided to put it aside for now. So next on my list was The Cobra Event by Richard Preston and while not quite at the level of scariness as The Hot Zone and also a work of fiction unlike the other 2 books, but damn- it still was pretty horrifying. That Cobra virus was pretty fucking scary.
I have stated it previously I am not particularly scared of death. However, what could possibly scare me is the matter that causes my death. Chemical and nuclear warfare and meltdowns and all that are pretty damn scary, but they still do not scare me even half as much as biological warfare. And to make it even scarier is not being blasted with smallpox or ebola. Its being blasted with something that is engineered and not even named yet. I briefly considered going for biotechnology back in 2005- which is why I had to suffer through Programming in BASIC; it was a pre-req for a required BT course- but boy, I am glad I never went through with that.
I was sitting the other day writing some stuff down- I guess in a way trying to put down into words if the day ever comes when I decide to tell someone outloud my secret- and I realized that no matter how much convincing I do- no matter how much I remind myself of all the things I will not be able to do, no matter how much research I have done on complications and other problems, no matter how much money could go out for this- it is never enough to change my mind. There really is no way out of this nightmare, except 1, the most obvious, it actually happens for me; 2. death; 3. severe amnesia. Oh, but my brain will find someone way to make sure, even if I suffered severe brain damage, to keep torturing me with it. Virtually every single aspect of my life and memory could be wiped clean and it would probably still be standing there, laughing its head off and screaming tough luck, babe! You can't EVER get rid of me! And for some reason, I can picture it having a voice and a laugh like the talking fan in the Futurama episode "Mother's Day".
When I was younger I had an excellent memory. I could recall down to what I wore and what I ate on even the simplest days. I have a horrible memory now. I think it was all those psychiatric drugs. I will ask someone something and not even five minutes later I will ask them the same question with absolutely no recollection of ever asking them before. But bad things in my life are never forgotten. Oh no. They live on in my memory.
I have mentioned before that I have social anxiety. Bad, crippling social anxiety. Most people with social problems like this are at least comfortable around family and friends and I am more so than around strangers, but I still have a high degree of discomfort around them. When I have actually worked, when someone is friendly with me, I usually feel a little bit more at ease and can actually be quite pleasant to talk with. There is the possibility of a job offer coming my way that is a call center job. I unfortunately am just not horrible face to face with people, but absolutely atrocious over the phone. I want to think that this job would be a good experience and might help me, but I just have a nagging feeling that it will not. I could be quite capable of doing a very good job with a position like this, but in the end the social anxiety will be there to destroy it somehow. I am desparate for a job and the pay is pretty good and I cannot afford to be fussy with the economy, but the idea of doing the job makes me sick to my stomach.
I have stated it previously I am not particularly scared of death. However, what could possibly scare me is the matter that causes my death. Chemical and nuclear warfare and meltdowns and all that are pretty damn scary, but they still do not scare me even half as much as biological warfare. And to make it even scarier is not being blasted with smallpox or ebola. Its being blasted with something that is engineered and not even named yet. I briefly considered going for biotechnology back in 2005- which is why I had to suffer through Programming in BASIC; it was a pre-req for a required BT course- but boy, I am glad I never went through with that.
I was sitting the other day writing some stuff down- I guess in a way trying to put down into words if the day ever comes when I decide to tell someone outloud my secret- and I realized that no matter how much convincing I do- no matter how much I remind myself of all the things I will not be able to do, no matter how much research I have done on complications and other problems, no matter how much money could go out for this- it is never enough to change my mind. There really is no way out of this nightmare, except 1, the most obvious, it actually happens for me; 2. death; 3. severe amnesia. Oh, but my brain will find someone way to make sure, even if I suffered severe brain damage, to keep torturing me with it. Virtually every single aspect of my life and memory could be wiped clean and it would probably still be standing there, laughing its head off and screaming tough luck, babe! You can't EVER get rid of me! And for some reason, I can picture it having a voice and a laugh like the talking fan in the Futurama episode "Mother's Day".
When I was younger I had an excellent memory. I could recall down to what I wore and what I ate on even the simplest days. I have a horrible memory now. I think it was all those psychiatric drugs. I will ask someone something and not even five minutes later I will ask them the same question with absolutely no recollection of ever asking them before. But bad things in my life are never forgotten. Oh no. They live on in my memory.
I have mentioned before that I have social anxiety. Bad, crippling social anxiety. Most people with social problems like this are at least comfortable around family and friends and I am more so than around strangers, but I still have a high degree of discomfort around them. When I have actually worked, when someone is friendly with me, I usually feel a little bit more at ease and can actually be quite pleasant to talk with. There is the possibility of a job offer coming my way that is a call center job. I unfortunately am just not horrible face to face with people, but absolutely atrocious over the phone. I want to think that this job would be a good experience and might help me, but I just have a nagging feeling that it will not. I could be quite capable of doing a very good job with a position like this, but in the end the social anxiety will be there to destroy it somehow. I am desparate for a job and the pay is pretty good and I cannot afford to be fussy with the economy, but the idea of doing the job makes me sick to my stomach.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
If Stephen King Can Say It's Scary....
One night while I was bored, I played around on Yahoo! Answers and found and answered a question of what is the scariest book I have ever read. My answer was The Demon In The Freezer by Richard Preston, which was about smallpox, which I had read a few years ago. Curious to see if there were any other books written by him, I took a trip up to the library the other day.
I found The Hot Zone, which is about ebola, and with no contest, that is easily the scariest book I have ever read in my life. I always knew that one of the characteristics of ebola was bleeding, especially out the eyes, but I never knew just how destructive the virus is (whether the author exaggerated anything or not is beyond my knowledge, so my information is based on what the book stated). This virus just basically destroys almost every single living tissue in the body. Just completely liquifies it. It basically turns you into fucking soup. I just hope these people that develop it that their minds are so out of normal functioning that they have no idea what is going on. I don't think in a normal state of mind- well, as normal as can be- I would particularly enjoy seeing blood coming out of every imaginable crevice in my body.
The reality of the situations in the book are what scares me the most. The Demon scared me enough, but ebola makes smallpox look like a cold. I just found something that scares me even more than meningococcemia. The reality of how if the samples of this virus got into the wrong hands and could be turned into biological warfare is beyond comprehensible.
I found The Hot Zone, which is about ebola, and with no contest, that is easily the scariest book I have ever read in my life. I always knew that one of the characteristics of ebola was bleeding, especially out the eyes, but I never knew just how destructive the virus is (whether the author exaggerated anything or not is beyond my knowledge, so my information is based on what the book stated). This virus just basically destroys almost every single living tissue in the body. Just completely liquifies it. It basically turns you into fucking soup. I just hope these people that develop it that their minds are so out of normal functioning that they have no idea what is going on. I don't think in a normal state of mind- well, as normal as can be- I would particularly enjoy seeing blood coming out of every imaginable crevice in my body.
The reality of the situations in the book are what scares me the most. The Demon scared me enough, but ebola makes smallpox look like a cold. I just found something that scares me even more than meningococcemia. The reality of how if the samples of this virus got into the wrong hands and could be turned into biological warfare is beyond comprehensible.
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