Random Thoughts

So my last summer vacation is now officially over. The good parts:

- again, not as ungodly hot as previous years
- I only managed to get mild spots of sunburn
- the stores at both Barefoot and Broadway stayed open later than last year
- Ben & Jerry's and Kirk's ice cream (and I could enjoy it without feeling like my tooth nerves were being electrocuted)
- as always, LOTS of good food; one night we finally went to this place at Broadway called Sweet Carolina's that I have been dying to try and holy crap, the BBQ pork sandwich was awesome
- I retried the regimen my gynecologist suggested for my stomach and it actually helped big time
- it was not crowded at all
- I kept up with my exercise regimen, working out every day but last Saturday

The stinky parts:

- we were almost put in the room with the bug infestation again
- it rained the first two days
- I had to share a bed
- twice someone shit in the kid pool area and closed it down for the day
- my brother-in-law's attitude and patience with my nephew were gear-grinding, once causing me to storm out of the room and slamming the door as hard as humanly possible because his screaming at my nephew was upsetting my mother and pissing me off
- my temporary crown over my root canaled tooth broke into pieces on the last day at breakfast
- my mother's car's brakes started malfunctioning when we hit the Washington DC area on the way home, making for one very anxiety-inducing 4+ hour ride home
- it's over and I still want to punch all of my coworkers in the face (thank god I have off Monday for Labor Day)

That last one especially applies to my FWA. A new law just went into effect in NJ this past Tuesday regarding car seats and when babies can be turned around and apparently my FWA and her piss poor excuse for a boyfriend blatantly refuse to abide by the law. And have no qualms about posting their feelings on Facebook. On Monday, her fat boyfriend posted a picture of the baby in her forward-facing car seat and wrote something like "I do what I want to do" and my sister, who is friends with him on Facebook, laid in to him about it and said how it's an American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation and not just a weight and age requirement, it has to do with their immature heads and spines, etc. He of course made no argument against my sister, but my FWA piped in later that she (the baby) meets the weight requirement for the car seat. Honestly- what part of "immature heads and spines" does this stupid bitch not get? But I guess she knows better than the AAP, right? I swear, some people are so fucking stupid, sometimes I have to wonder if eugenics is really all that bad to use at times.

On a positive note, the pumpkin pie Blizzard is back! I was afraid with the 75th anniversary stuff going on that DQ might not bring it out this year. Thank god they did or I would have rioted.

Random Thoughts

Two days down, three more to go until the weekend. Although I am dreading the closer to the weekend I get, because I just know my sister is going to say something about going to the Strawberry Festival and I wouldn't mind going again, but really don't want to drive up there with her husband.

Not this past weekend, but the prior weekend I went to Dairy Queen to try the salted caramel truffle Blizzard (very good) and while I was waiting in line I was reading the menu and they had 3 anniversary flavors, one of which was one of my favorites from back in the day- the brownie batter Blizzard. So this past weekend I wanted ice cream and decided I wanted that. And while I was waiting in line, I started to read through the menu again.....and happened to notice how short the Blizzard menu has gotten. And then I realized quite a few flavors that I like were no longer on the menu- mint Oreo, Oreo cheesequake, etc. DAIRY QUEEN, I AM DISAPPOINT.

I don't know what May's Blizzard of the Month will be, but I definitely want to try that brownie cookie dough one at some point. That looks heavenly. And if they'd bring back the Kit Kat Blizzard, that would be fantastic. And all I know is, I don't care if it's their 75th anniversary, the pumpkin pie Blizzard better be there in October!

I feel so damn bloated and swollen right now, I can't even stand it. You name it- my hands, my feet, every possible place imaginable. My stomach feels horrible. I have still been taking the Prozac every day and I keep thinking I need to cut back on it, but I get so wracked with guilt if I don't take it, that I end up taking it. And then I curse myself out later on when my stomach feels horrible. My anxiety levels are sky-high and my concentration levels are the pits and I don't know if it's hormone-related or possibly due to the increase in medicine. I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO ANY OF THIS. And it's driving me frigging mad.

Random Thoughts

I keep seeing all of these parodies popping up on the internet of that "10 hours of walking in NYC as a woman" video. I am so glad people find it so fucking funny for a woman to be treated that way. I wonder how the men making all of these parodies would feel if it was their own female flesh and blood in that video. I bet they would be real thrilled.

Also, I am sick of seeing that "Ebola nurse". I thought we were finally done having to hear any more of her incessant whining, but then my local news talked about her last night. Bitch, you worked with Ebola patients. Stop whining and sit the fuck down already.

Last night I was in Target and I was looking at ice cream and I saw pumpkin pie ice cream (Market Pantry brand) and it was not only just 130 calories for a half cup, but it also said it had pie crust pieces in it, so I decided to buy it. Oh my god it is SO GOOD. Almost like a pumpkin pie Blizzard.

Friday night I must have been really tired, because I could barely stay awake past 1:30AM and except for waking up once to pee, I slept until 11:45AM. I haven't slept that late in a long time. And I was pissed because I missed Sea Rescue. And yet somehow I was still very tired all Saturday. I was also so damn moody and depressed yesterday I couldn't stand it. And then going out and seeing all of the Christmas decorations everywhere only made me feel worse. It would be nice if one goddamn Christmas season I could feel pleasant and not like wanting to end everything.

I couldn't even feel pleasant last week at Apple Fest. I felt miserable and depressed then, too. I am so damn tired of it. I just want to feel happy for once. Not that I even deserve to.

And speaking of Peddler's, every time I am in the Pine Wreath & Candle store, I always think of that time I was in there and heard "A Song Can Change Your Life" for the first time. I have been listening to that song a lot lately again. There is something about the line "we start to see the end of endless nights" that always gets to me. I don't really know why.

I feel like since That Thing came back into my life, I have been seeing a lot more stories in the news about paralysis. It might just be me paying more attention to it and there really aren't more stories, but either way you look at it, it's getting on my last nerve. I was doing a report on Friday and I came across the term "dermatomes", a term I have never heard, so I googled it. Not a term I needed to come across. Not that we see a lot of injuries like that (I think of the 3 years I have worked for that company, I have only seen maybe 3 cases at the most), but honestly, working in orthopedics is not a good thing for me, because it kind of just fuels the fire in that it gives me more access and opportunity to research this stuff. If I have an orthopedic website opened on my computer, I doubt anyone will really question it, because I do need to research stuff often.

I haven't done any research on spinal injuries lately, but I can't tell you how hard and torturous it is to resist doing it. I finally had to clear out both of my browser histories to make it less easy to access the information. Of course I can still go back to the websites and read up on it, but it's easier to resist when it's not right there in your browser history to bring up. It's very hard to resist though. Like having head to toe poison ivy and not being allowed to scratch it. Not that I have ever had poison ivy to know just how itchy it is, but you get the drift.

And going back to the abasiophiliac thing, one thing I always wonder is, how exactly do disabled people actually feel about it? Is it flattering? Offensive? I am guessing if I polled people, it would probably go both ways. If I had someone tell me they were attracted to my mental issues, I am not sure how I would feel about it. I don't think I would feel offended, but I also don't think I would feel too flattered, either. Probably more shocked, if anything. And maybe a little creeped out.

Ugh

Cabin fever setting in and it's combining with what appears to be PMS. HELP.

I just saw multiple articles how another one of the Duggar fembots got married. Oh joy. Another one to spit out a shit ton of babies. I was ready to say who in the fuck gives a shit and then I remembered I actually am friends with people on Facebook who are legit fans of the family.

You know, I wonder what would happen if one of the girls ever had fertility problems and couldn't shit out a ton of babies. Then the family would probably shun her and blame her for her problems. And I guarantee if one of the boys in the family had problems with his swimmers, then it would still be the woman's fault. I try not to hate religions, but I loathe that religion. Fuck them and their anti-woman stance. And fuck them for blaming birth control for miscarriages. Do tell Michelle- if birth control causes miscarriages, then how do you explain your last miscarriage?

ONTD keeps posting all of these posts of celebrity Halloween costumes and after so many I just started to laugh. The heads of the SJWs must be exploding left and right at all of the "cultural appropriation". That place is getting ridiculous. I don't think it would be as annoying if it wasn't for the fact that the loudest SJWs are probably privileged white girls.

I don't know what happened to that place in general lately. It's full of trolls and more rules than ever and posts about Ariana Grande and Five Seconds Of Summer or whatever the hell they are called and all of these other people that I can't imagine anyone over the age of 15 cares about.

Also, why in the hell is the Blizzard of the Month one you can get all of the time? Why couldn't they have just heeded our begs to have the pumpkin pie one again? THE AUDACITY.

Random Thoughts

Well I made it through Boo at the Zoo yesterday. It wasn't too bad, I suppose. Well, I guess it couldn't have been too bad, since I wasn't tempted to "accidentally" trip any kids. Last year when I went, the kids were monsters and their parents were even worse. Like chill the fuck out people, it's just candy! The only person who got on my nerves was not surprisingly the BIL. And next week is Apple Fest at Peddler's and I am sure he will be a condescending jackass like always.

When we were on vacation, my nephew was, to put it as nicely as possible, a complete terror. I don't know if something was bothering him or what, but he would not stop screaming so many times. It was ridiculous. Every time he screamed, I thought of how people are all OMG IT'S SO WORTH IT IN THE END and I laughed. There is no way no how in any sane world having to listen to that screaming is worth it. But the only thing I liked about it is how much it pissed my BIL off. Mr. Big Shot likes to be in control of everything and not being able to control his son must have been killing him. The thought of that fills me with glee.

Not that anyone gives a shit, but today was the first day I have not seen any type of brown spotting at all. And I have finally been able to sleep better. I am still nauseous, though. I have never had spotting like this past week ever. Every time I thought it was done, it would come back. And then having the cramping along with it. What in the hell was going on to cause all that? I don't know if I had a cyst or what; if so, it must have been a pretty significant cyst. All I know is it scared the hell out of me and I am really shook up from it. It certainly did not help the whole perimenopause fear (kind of made it worse actually). And now I am worried what kind of effect it is going to have on my period? Is it going to be late? Is it going to come at all?

I am so tired of feeling like shit. And everyone telling my it's my anxiety. I don't deny that my anxiety plays a role, but it's not the sole role in this. Something is not right. And I am still willing to bet it's some kind of deficiency. I guess I just need to grow a set already and go back to the doctor and say "I want this and this and this checked and I don't care if I have to pay out of pocket".

Ugh, can't believe the weekend is over already.

Also, here is a picture of my last pumpkin pie Blizzard until next year *sniffs*:

The Awsome Of The Day

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Is this time of the year great or what? Pumpkin flavored stuff everywhere! Pumpkin flavored stuff as far as the eye can see!

Post by The Cheesecake Factory.

On another note-  I had the apple pie Blizzard tonight. It was pretty awesome. It reminded me of the Edy's apple pie ice cream that for some unknown reason they no longer sell. It's still not the pumpkin pie Blizzard, though. Which better be the Blizzard of the Month next month and not just sold this month or I'll shank someone for missing it.

The Awesome Of The Day

The new @ChipsAhoy BLIZZARD Treat is your perfect summertime love! #LOVEmyDQ pic.twitter.com/HeuzkIcPrg
— Dairy Queen (@DairyQueen) July 28, 2014

I will definitely be trying this. On another note, I am raging right now with the passion of a fiery billion suns, but more on that later.

Random Thoughts

Had the Reeses peanut butter cup pie Blizzard last night. It's pretty much worth the 810 calories.

My anxiety levels have been terrible since my last post. Saturday morning, my brain had just woken up, eyes not even open yet, and my heart was already pounding like there was no tomorrow. It is the worst feeling when your heart is pounding and then you start getting anxious, thus making it pound even harder. The minute I climbed out of bed, my heart started to pound even harder. And it had been doing that thing again every so often where it feels like it stops and then starts up with a bang. Getting into a shower really brings it on. It is a very unsettling feeling.

And I had some irritability down below and in my bladder. The irritability ceased a lot during the day so my anxiety levels are down some right now, but give it time- the first sign of it coming back, I'll be right back to being an anxious mess.

I was upset about it on Friday and of course the first thing I get from everyone is "you need to get help and go on medicine". No shit, Sherlock. I know I need help, for fuck's sake. But I don't want to go on medicine. My family acts like I have never been on medicine. But I have! And despite no one believing me, I will go to my grave swearing that medicine (Effexor) is exactly what put me in the position I am in now. I wasn't exactly in a great spot before I went off of it, but going off it made everything a million times worse. And I hate to sound so shallow but I am not going to lie- I don't want to go on medicine because I don't want to gain weight.

And then my mom says something like I know it's my anxiety so why do I get so upset. I said because I can't shake the feeling that it may not be. I don't understand what is so hard to comprehend about these things. When I go through these bouts of worrying I have some disease or something, whether it's only my anxiety or not, I am still not going to be able to shake it off that that is all it is. THAT IS WHY I AM SO ANXIOUS.

And like the other times, when I go through these things, all I want is an answer. And I start contemplating going to the ER to get one, even though I know I'll go and all I get from the doctors is LOL ANXIETY. Just like everyone else tells me. And I am starting to worry that one of these days all my crying wolf and no one listening to me is going to bite me in the ass and I'll end up croaking. And then I'll laugh because nobody listened to me. Wherever I end up.

I also wonder a lot of times if I am really experiencing these symptoms or if they are possibly a figment of my anxiety. Is my anxiety so bad that it has me believing I am experiencing these symptoms when I really am not? That is unsettling. Extremely unsettling.

I was at Wal-Fart earlier and I was looking at ovulation tests. I was going to buy one but then I started to think, what if I buy one and it never shows I am ovulating? Then I'll lose it. I am still kind of wishing I bought one anyway. I am only on day 12 of my cycle, but maybe I might buy one over the next few days. Like I said before, I can usually physically tell when I am, but I think I may feel a little better if I have confirmation that I am, even though the tests may not always be accurate. I can't stand this every month worrying that it's going to come early or not at all. Every time I go into the bathroom, I dread that I am going to be bleeding unless I am expecting my period. It's sad how obsessed I have become with my menstrual cycle.

And to top off my anxiety, there is call for bad weather this upcoming week. The other day, TOR:CON was at 4 for Tuesday. It's since been downgraded to a 2-3, but still. What will it actually be on Tuesday? And Monday sounds like it's going to be stormy as well. I think TOR:CON is the same and so far the SPC has the risk for severe weather at slight for Monday. Whether either will change, I won't know until Monday. I am praying neither does, though, unless the severe risk changes from slight to nothing and TOR:CON is downgraded. Ugh, I am going to be such a wreck the next few days. Fucking Typhoon Neoguri wreaking havoc on everything.

Don't know if I have to get up early or not on Sunday so I guess I should head off to bed. My nerves are already in a frenzy that I am not going to sleep and/or wake up at some point with irritability. It never fucking stops ever.

Random Thoughts

So I get an email on Friday from my boss asking me if I would be willing to do an hour of overtime everyday for the next two weeks. I agreed to it, but an extra 5 hours a week at that place? Yuck!

*sighs* Think of the money.....gotta keep telling myself that. I get time and a half for OT, but I am wondering what will come of the week of Memorial Day, because we have off (finally) and I am wondering if all of my OT will end up being straight pay. I am not down with that.

I walked out to my car during lunch on Friday and all I kept thinking was, if I had my FWA in front of me right now, I'd rip her face off. And I, like my coworkers, have a feeling that when she comes back she is going to try to get fired. If that isn't already her intention. She isn't on FMLA, so technically I think she has no job protection. Stupid cow. Have fun finding a new job. And have fun finding a job that will put up your bullshit of constantly being late and calling out.

I don't think I ever mentioned this, but my FWA's friend did end up getting unemployment. I was astonished. I honest to God had no idea you could even get unemployment when you were fired until my brother-in-law got fired from his job. But I am really surprised our company didn't try to fight her getting it. It's not like they didn't have enough ammunition against her. And the sad thing is, she still thinks she did nothing wrong. That woman has no priorities whatsoever. She has no money and apparently lost her apartment and is living with her ex, but somehow managed to go down Ocean City for the weekend a few weeks ago. Just like in work she always bitched she had no money and lived paycheck to paycheck but somehow could manage to spend well over $50 in lunch alone a week. That doesn't even include her stuff from Wawa.

Thursday ended up not being as terrible as I thought it would be, although I did have to take care of a chart that was for a 10AM appointment. And not long after I got in, my boss asked me to do something else and I did a little bit of it and then said to her that I needed to finish that chart and I was not sure if I would even be able to get it done by the appointment time and I started to get a little panicky and my boss says to me "are you getting upset?!" and I said yes I am, because I am still freaking bugged by what [home worker] said! And then I thought about it later and got really pissed off. I'm sorry I am just so terrible at controlling my emotions at times! JFC.

I did get the chart done by 10:20AM. Thank god the doctor was running late that day!

I seriously get so pissed off when other people get pissed off at me for getting upset easily. I am sure much of it has to do with having mental illness, but I think part of it is just my nature. I remember always getting easily upset and embarrassed in elementary school and probably even long before that whenever someone scolded me, while others would always just brush it off. And I still think it was completely uncool of my boss to bring it up at my last job performance to her boss (or whatever he is now). I wanted to slide under the table and die, I was so mortified.

I am done with these women problems I am having. Yesterday I felt like my left ovary was on fire and my back was all crampy. Today I had pain in my left lower side and I was extremely bloated and nauseous and had some bleeding. And I have been crampy off and on throughout the day. But the worst is the bloating. I am so uncomfortable. I really wish I knew what in the hell was going on in there. Is there a cyst again? And is it possible to get cysts every damn month? Or is it something else? And I feel like I get nowhere with doctors. It's like oh here is some birth control see how that works out for you. I don't want to take birth control! Unless I am having sex! And that is clearly not happening anytime soon! I just want to know what is going on in there. I am not fond of the idea of having a laparoscopy, but if it came down to it, I would go through with it.

Of course earlier I started panicking over early menopause. I don't even know why it still upsets me, since I apparently am no longer afraid of Addison's disease. And you want to know the weird thing? I am no longer afraid of it, but I still think about it a lot. And still read up on it. The other day I was reading through "Adrenal Crisis in Emergency Medicine". Why? I don't know.

And one more thing- I had the strawberry shortcake Blizzard tonight. I wouldn't say it was one of my top top favorites, but it was pretty good. The cake pieces are really good.

The Awesome Of The Day

Tomorrow, we're bringing you a little taste of summer with the new BLIZZARD Treatof the Month. Any guesses? #LOVEmyDQ
— Dairy Queen (@DairyQueen) April 28, 2014

I heard through the grapevine that it is strawberry shortcake.....OOOOOOOO.

ETA 4/28: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It's New. As in Brand-Spankin' New! Introducing the NEW Strawberry Shortcake BLIZZARD Treat.  #LOVEmyDQ pic.twitter.com/HkcmC6WFkZ
— Dairy Queen (@DairyQueen) April 28, 2014

(sorry- the picture was obnoxiously big so I had to embed it without it)

The Awesome Of The Day (And Maybe Tomorrow)

A Fan favorite BLIZZARD Treat returns tomorrow. Let’s celebrate…maybe with some confetti…#LOVEmyDQ
— Dairy Queen (@DairyQueen) March 31, 2014

Ooo, what could it be? Something birthday cake flavored? If so, you bet your bottom dollar my ass will be there one day next month.

7:25AM: And it is.....Confetti Cake! I will definitely be there one day, folks!

IT'S TIME....

To see what the Blizzard of the Month is! And it is.....

A Fan favorite returns. Welcome back Mint Oreo #BLIZZARDTreat! #shamrocking #LOVEmyDQ pic.twitter.com/inKCogiUak
— Dairy Queen (@DairyQueen) March 1, 2014

Oh. It's one they have all year long.

Random Thoughts

It was so nice to have some nice weather on Saturday! Well, Friday was warmer but 1) I was in work and 2) it rained. We were also under a tornado watch. I almost had a heart attack when I saw that. But it as nice and sunny on Saturday. Of course, that brought all of the cretins out of the woodwork and every where was packed to the gills. All we did was go to the bank, two different Wal-Farts, a Boscov's, and Red Robin for dinner. I love Red Robin. I am usually not a big fan of steak fries, but damn do I love theirs. And because I am always watching my girlish figure, I always have to resist taking advantage of the bottomless fries.

Later on, I trekked to DQ to try the red velvet Blizzard. It was good! It just could have used some more cake pieces and cream cheese frosting. But it was not nearly as sweet as I thought it would be, though. I'm already impatient to see what it's in store for March's.

When I was eating my lunch while I was out, the left side of my jaw kept clicking. It was driving me nuts. Not to mention, I woke up with a cold or allergies or something (yet to be determined) on Friday morning and my ears are terribly clogged so they, too, were clicking and popping the whole time I was eating. And I know I was not chewing properly because I am still terrified of biting down and feeling pain so I ended up with a headache after I finished eating. In addition to major sinus pressure and burning. I was not a happy camper.

This obsession with worrying about developing an abscess is going to drive me up the wall. It's nice to have a break from my other health worries, but I want no health worries, dammit! I don't even want to eat or drink because I am so afraid of having sensitivity or feeling pain or whatever. I am constantly checking my gums in the mirror or poking at them or tapping on my teeth. I haven't had much, if any sensitivity, since I was at the dentist, but I am still not letting my guard down.

I finally purchased a mouth guard. Not sure how good it will work, though.

So like I said, I finally saw my commercial on Friday! I swear, it always comes on when I least expect it. I always watch Spongebob before I go to work and have never seen it. Unless it plays at that particular time, in which I always have the Local on the 8's on and miss it. Or it was just a fluke. Guess I'll find out this week. Or it will be another couple weeks before I see it again. I saw two other commercials for the same company during Food Factory on Thursday and Saturday night, but not that particular one. On Friday night, I decided Nick at Night may be a good spot to see it, but alas I only saw the same two commercials as during Food Factory.

Also, I think I really need to quit ONTD minus the MGMT articles. It's a shame, because it can be a really nice community, but more often than not, I am finding it to not be.

Random Thoughts

Well, my nephew's first birthday party is done and over with. It was a nice day. Well, not so much the weather (It snowed. Again). My nephew was cranky as shit, though, because he didn't nap. I love that boy to death, but things like that remind me why I don't want children.

Last weekend, I went to one of our farmer's markets with my parents so they could get some supplies for the party today. And while I was there, I happened to see some kid I went to school with. And I actually had a crush on him in sixth grade. Of course, like 99% of the crushes I have had, I look back at it in horror. He was disabled, more than likely what I was attracted to, since I have admitted to having a bit of a fetish for before. Anyway, he happened to turn around at one point and....let's just say he was more disabled than the last time I saw him. And I am absolutely ashamed to admit this, but.....I was fucking horrified. And even worse, I was repulsed. It actually skeeved me out. And I can't stop thinking about it and it's just so repulsive. I can't stand that it won't leave my head, not to mention I feel AWFUL for feeling so horrible about it.

I know, I know. God, I am a horrible person.

I was on MGMT's Twitter page last night and....thirst. So much thirst. Thirst as far as the eye can see. It was freaking embarrassing. And speaking of thirst, one of the fan pages I visit posted a picture of what is supposedly Andrew in his undies and people were freaking out about seeing his penis. And saying he is pretty well endowed. Now I enlarged the picture as big as my iPad would allow (what? I never denied not being thirsty myself), but to be honest, I don't think he is really that big. I'm not saying that as a bad thing, because he looks like he is a nice size. Then again, I won't deny that I don't know what truly would be considered a big penis as opposed to a small one. Besides, the idea of a huge penis inside of me scares the ever loving shit out of me, so even if he is actually what is considered small, what the hell do I care?

When my FWA's friend came to work with pinkeye, my FWA threw a fit and made it all about herself and her damn pregnancy. She started again on Friday about it, that her friend had a lot of nerve coming in to work with pink eye when she knows a pregnant person works there and can't take antibiotics. She's been constantly ranting about getting it and not being able to take antibiotics, so finally I texted my sister and asked her if it's true pregnant women can't take antibiotics. She said nope, they can. I swear, my FWA finds any fucking reason to make everything about her pregnancy. And all she does the whole damn day is walk around rubbing her belly and talking about her pregnancy and I feel like saying JFC we know you're pregnant STFU!

And one day she said something about being on WIC and how she doesn't want to be, but she needs some assistance. No. If you can't afford baby without assistance, then you don't deliberately get pregnant. Just because you WANT a baby doesn't mean you get one when you want it.

I still cannot get over missing that commercial the other day. It still infuriates me. I used to always see it during Too Cute or American Eats and I see it during neither. I even put the Olympics on, since I know the product the commercial is for are sponsors (I actually keep wondering if the Olympics are maybe why I am not seeing it, because it didn't start not showing until they started). And still nothing. I swear, if I ever get to see it again, I am going to miss it again because I am going to pass out from shock.

And sure, thanks to the wonderful world of the internet, I can watch it on Youtube and do, in fact, have it on my favorites list. But I haven't watch it yet because.....I don't know, I feel kind of awkward watching it. Don't ask me to explain, because I don't know why.

And speaking of commercials, I keep seeing commercials for Longhorn and they show the Chocolate Stampede in it and it's making me crave it so bad. All 2430 calories of it. I'm still pissed they got rid of that dessert with the fried cheesecake pieces on top of ice cream with strawberry syrup. It was so good! And I am also debating whether I want to try the Blizzard of the Month (red velvet cake) or not. It looks good, but sounds kind of sweet.

I called the dentist earlier and ended up making an appointment for Monday morning at 9. The girl was so abrupt on the phone (which was surprising, because usually she is fairly nice) and I ended up kind of caving into the appointment. I really want to go as soon as possible, but I am afraid of telling my manager about it. I would still go in to work at normal time and leave like 8:40 or so. But still. I don't know whether to cancel it or just keep it and call my boss before Monday to let her know I made an urgent appointment.

Random Thoughts

Good news, everyone! Dairy Queen has [finally] decided to keep the pumpkin pie Blizzard around for November! I'M SO STOKED!!!!

And speaking of being stoked, I have to go for that ultrasound tomorrow. And wouldn't you know I started bleeding some today? I am so annoyed. I hope it stops before tomorrow. I do wonder, though, if the test can be completed, if I will end up bleeding some. My last pelvic exam I ended up bleeding. I am dreading this. I hope it doesn't hurt really bad. Or at all. And what if I end up getting turned on? And the fact that I have been really horny the past couple days won't help. Ugh, could you imagine? Oh god that would be so embarrassing.

Random Thoughts

I mentioned a few posts ago that it was the 5th birthday of this "blog", and almost 2 years since I was initially laid off from my job. It was also recently the anniversary of one of the worst hypochondriac fears I have ever encountered. It was October 3.  No fear ever shook me like Addison's disease. And I am ashamed to admit it, but the thing that probably shook me up the most was the fact that if I had it, I would have to go on steroids and I would probably get fat. I think I can finally say I do not have it, but I do still have moments. For instance, on Thursday night, I started feeling really off balance and shaky, and right away I was in taking my blood pressure. It was 103/61. Still not considered low, but it was getting there, especially on the bottom. And I felt the same way Friday, and I had two episodes of feeling light-headed when I stood up. I am still not feeling too hot. I have so much pressure in my ears. In fact, I feel similar to how I did before I lost my job. It wouldn't surprise me. I do believe there is probably mold and shit in that place. I think I won't be as bad as I was with believing I have it, but I don't think I will ever completely stop. I think there will still be moments where I get scared I have it. Not to mention I feel if I let go of the fear completely, I will jinx myself. It's a really fucked up mentality.

I think the reason I am feeling so lousy is a combination of allergies and I just got my period. I think that is why I felt so lousy the past couple days. I hate how I feel before it comes. I am so exhausted I can't even stand it. And nauseous as anything. I feel like throwing up. And once again, another week has gone by and I am still 124 pounds on the scale. I would say well, maybe I did just gain weight, but with as bloated as I am, I really think it has something to do with that. And my whole lower left side is hard and slightly more bloated than the right. What on earth is going on in there? And I still keep putting off having this ultrasound done. I could just wait until I get medical in December, but I am tired of putting it off. If they find a cyst or something, though, the temptation to be a smartass and post it to Facebook is going to be too great.

In work, when we are allowed to listen to the radio, we listen to B101. That station is just the worst. And I think they must have a Katy Perry quota to meet every day. I heard five songs by her before noon. Five! It was torturous. They might play a good song here and there, but the majority of the songs are just awful. And Friday was the first time I actually heard that "Blurred Lines" in full. Of course a song like that would be incredibly popular. Horrible. Just horrible.

Most radio stations are awful, but when I do listen to the radio I generally stick with 98.1 (the not so oldies station) or Radio104.5. They play their fair share of shit ("Freshmen" by the Verve, Third Eye Blind and the rest of the frat boy bands, Panic At the Disco, all Fall Out Boy songs except "My Songs"), but they are the only station who plays MGMT. And sure, it's only "Kids" and "Time To Pretend", and for a while there, they played "YLIAL" on the new music show, but I like those songs, so I will always gleefully listen to them when they come on.

You know, somehow I manage to keep forgetting I am going to see them in December. I am slightly dreading it, to be honest. I am extremely stoked about seeing them, but I am really worried about the whole crowd situation. I hope it ends up being good, though. I really wish they would start playing a little more off of the new album. I love "YLIAL", but I am already getting a little tired of it being the one song they always perform. Come on. Play some "A Good Sadness" and "An Orphan of Fortune". And retire some of their old repertoire already (but do not, and I repeat DO NOT, ever retire "Siberian Breaks", "I Found A Whistle", and "Of Moon, Birds, and Monsters". Especially "I Found A Whistle". That song is so fucking flawless live, I can't stand it.). And bring back some of the old songs. I want to hear "Future Reflections" live, dammit!

I am on this and over reading a post on a certain gossip site about Rashida Jones supposedly "slut shaming". Ugh I won't even get into it again about that term, but damn, I have never seen a group of people get so up in arms about shit as the members over on that site. It's fucking ridiculous. And for some reason, it just reminded me of one time on a really old MGMT post someone called Andrew's ex a "Swedish whore". I am sure they were joking, but....okay. For a site that gets itself so up in arms at the slightest sign of "slut shaming", I am surprised no one dragged the shit out of the member. And uh, again, she isn't even Swedish. Still not quite sure why a whole bunch of people who call themselves big fans wouldn't know that she is Irish.

I also just thought about that Electronic Beats article where Andrew mentioned breaking up with his girlfriend right before a show back in 2010, and I imagine it was her. I don't know, something about that story doesn't sit right with me, especially the whole it was awful and dramatic part. Oh, and the whole take your girlfriend to a foreign country, go to dinner with her the night before, then break up with her the next day part. And right before he was about to go on stage and perform? Really, Andrew? Did your girl become obsolete and you needed to upgrade to a newer model? I hope he had a good fucking excuse to break up with someone like that, because if not, then that is just cruel. Or did he do something bad? I always hear about musicians being cheaters, and unfortunately, no matter how much I think the sun shines out of DAT FOOOOINE BONY ASS, he still is a young white American male with fame and money, so I probably shouldn't be too surprised. But I would hope it's not true. Or that he did something just as bad as cheating. If I ever find out he is an ass to his women, I will be really disappointed, because he seems like he was raised with a good head on his shoulders and to be respectful.

I think it's kind of a pathetic way for someone my age to think, especially about people I never met, but I do genuinely like this group and care about them. They seem like smart, likable, nice boys, albeit a bit awkward, which, if you ask me, makes them all the more endearing. And talented as hell. Even if you don't like their music, you cannot tell me they are not talented.

I finally got Popeye's tonight. And wouldn't you know my taste buds are off due to the monthly bitch? I also finally got a pumpkin pie Blizzard. Huzzah!*

*and I wonder why my digestive system is so bad. JFC.

Random Thoughts

Damn, this job is making it hard to post more. I could probably post tons of shit, mainly lengthy rants about work and my coworkers, but I am pretty exhausted when I come home. I type reports pretty much most of the day. Why would I want to type more when I come home? Plus, why would I want to think about work? Coming home and forgetting your work woes isn't easy for someone like me, but I do try really hard. I am not always successful, though.

I guess I am doing okay with my position. My manager says I am, but I am reluctant to believe anything she says. She says I am a good writer, which obviously will not be evidenced on here. I do try to stay grammatically correct on here, but I am a little more laid back and relaxed about making mistakes. And I do make them. I have seen plenty of spelling and grammar mistakes in posts. I see posts where I have skipped words. But when I put my mind to it (which now takes a lot more brain power than it used to), yeah, I can be a fairly decent writer, I suppose.

As for my coworkers.....meh. I try to just go in and leave without much interaction. If anyone thinks I whine a lot (which I do), you haven't seen anything until you've met my coworkers.

I have been annoyed the past two days because I have been moved off of doing my old job and into strictly doing what I was hired to do (don't try to make sense of that). My FWA and another girl have been doing it. And not to sound so damn conceited, but no one can do my old job like me. These girls aren't consistent with naming things. I always gave everything the same title. I also had the habit of scanning things in the same exact order. When I got charts after exams, I always scanned the forms in the same order- photo ID, doctor notes, registration form, lower body exam form, and upper body exam form. If I had to stray off of that pattern, I felt discombobulated. When I see things not in my order in our computer system, I could chew nails.

My God, could you imagine working for me? I'd be a fucking nightmare. Not that I would ever be in a position of management anyway. I'd last all of one hour before I'd be running out the door in tears. I don't handle stress well, in case it wasn't obvious.

On Friday, I came home from work and the internet wasn't working. So my father calls the cable company and while he is on the phone, he is looking at the modem and tells the guy on the phone a light is blinking. I tell him not once, not twice, but three times that the light always blinks, and that it starts blinking as soon as my computer is turned on, e.g. it's supposed to blink. Later on, he has to call back and he tells the guy (another worker) the light is blinking. I get pissed because I already told him three times. He says he just wanted to get another opinion. I got even more pissed, and then he gets pissed off at me. Well, I told you something THREE GODDAMN TIMES. Why was that not good enough? Why could he just not believe what I said? I have been watching that goddamn light blink every damn day I turn my computer on for the last 6 damn years.

I don't understand why any time it comes to computer related stuff, my father tries to act like I have no idea what I am talking about. I know more about computers than he could ever dream of knowing. Back when my beloved Number 2 died, he got pissed off and tried to blame me for it. No. It was a simple hard drive failure, an inevitable fate for computers.

And speaking of annoyance, I am beyond fed up with my digestive system. I don't remember how long it took to straighten out the last time I went back to work, but this is ridiculous. I know it seems like such a minute thing, but some days I feel so horrible from it, I seriously just want to blow my brains out. I don't even want to eat because I feel guilty about everything I put into my body. I think of all of the nasty shit and chemicals in food and cringe.

And speaking of food with nasty shit and chemicals....I need a pumpkin pie Blizzard ASAP.

Random Thoughts

Good god, I cannot believe what happened down Seaside. Aside from the pier, that end of the boardwalk had not been nearly as damaged as the rest of the boardwalk after Sandy. And now it is gone. It's cruel. And if it was arson, then that is beyond cruel. My heart was broke watching the raging fire on the news on Thursday. It looked like what I would imagine hell to look like.

The Beachcomber is now gone as well. Now I really wish I would have ate there the last time I was there (the place I ate last time I was there is gone as well). And do you know what really pisses me off? How its claim to fame in the papers is that it is where that vile orange cockroach got punched in the face. I think what offends me the most about her is not only has she and her fellow roaches given a bad name to Italians, but she is not even Italian! And sorry, being raised by Italians does not make you Italian. I could be adopted by Japanese people, but it still won't make me Japanese. I will still be a half Italian, half Scotch-Irish white as freaking Christmas nutcase.

Gee, do you think you can spare us with the hurricanes this year, Mother Nature???

So I don't know how the job interview went. I don't think I bombed, but I don't know if I sold myself enough. And when I answered the phone and found out a man was interviewing me, I got even more nervous. And sometimes I had a hard time hearing what he said. And the previous night, I researched how to answer several typical interview questions. Except the two I was actually asked, one about salary and the other "why do you want this position". I completely brain-farted on the last one and spewed some bullshit answer.

And then I had a list of questions to ask, since that apparently is important to do, and once he asked me if I had any questions, I realized none of these questions were appropriate for the interview. They were too formal and the interview was pretty informal. Plus, this was a third party interviewing me. I don't even know if they could have actually answered the questions.

I kicked myself in the ass after getting off the phone for not pushing more about my previous experience working there. And I was pretty sure the interview was going to keep me up all night. I was positive I was going to be obsessing over it. Instead, I thought about and berated myself over an interview I did in 2005 that I bombed really bad. Just.....don't even ask.

And while I am excited about possibly going back there (it's close to home; that's major brownie points), but then I keep thinking about working with those people again and I'm like meh. At least the trouble-causing racist ass bitch isn't there anymore, although I know she does come in for lunch sometimes and frankly, I don't want to ever see her face again.

I had the chocolate covered cheesecake Blizzard on Saturday night. It was awesome. Worth the 690 calories. But I really cannot wait for the pumpkin pie Blizzard next month.

ONE MORE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Song Of The Day

"Dirty Paws" by Of Monsters and Men; I've had their album in my iTunes since February and I just finally sat down and listened to it and I have to say, I really like it:



Mom and I were at Boscov's earlier and the video for "Little Talks" came on in the juniors section. I heard my mom singing it later on. It's not the first time I have heard her sing it, either. She has been spending too much time with me, although I very rarely listen to "Little Talks". It's not that I dislike it....well, no that is a lie. First, I didn't like it. Then I started to like it. And then my local alt rock radio station started to play it ad nauseum and I started to grow tired of it.

Also, I had the s'mores Blizzard from Dairy Queen tonight. Highly recommended.

The Awesome Of The Day

ETA 11/11: Went to Dairy Queen last night, although my original intention was to get the pumpkin pie Blizzard since THE DQ WEBSITE AND FACEBOOK PAGE ARE STILL ADVERTISING IT, and had this. IT WAS AWESOME.