Random Thoughts

Well, I am feeling a little more pleasant than last time. Probably has something to do with my period being over (good riddance, bitch). Although I did have a bit of a freak out yesterday. I was about to have lunch and was interrupted and then my mom decided to snap out over something ridiculous (I think the wrapping paper for my whore of a cousin's baby shower gift got wrinkled or something. And yes, as a matter of fact, I will tell you how I really feel about her. She is a self-centered lazy loser whore who I am pretty sure will have her baby funded by tax payers very shortly, if not already. I don't understand what is so difficult to grasp in this- if you cannot afford a baby, DON'T HAVE ONE) and I just walked out of the room, went into my bedroom, threw a tantrum like a toddler and had a momentary moment of suicidal ideation again.

Goddamn it, brain! No! NO! STOP IT. No suicide!

I was starting to think earlier that maybe, just maybe, the reason I have been feeling better has something to do with that whole adrenal fatigue thing. I don't know if it actually exists, but if it does, I would not be surprised if my adrenal glands were kind of starting to crap out on me. I did a major cut down on caffeine just by cutting out coffee alone. When I made myself coffee, I did 3 scoops for 4 cups. That is some damn strong coffee. Cutting out the coffee alone had to have taken some of the stress off of my adrenal glands. And not consuming so much caffeine had to have cut down on how high my stress levels could rise to. I am still a very, very stressful person, particularly over things that most people wouldn't even dream of stressing over, and then this damn Addison's fear still lingering, but caffeine does stimulate stress, I can't deny that, and I do believe that my stress levels haven't been quite as bad as before.

I have been a bit surprised at my blood pressure numbers lately. They have been running in the prehypertension range. Not good either! Now if I could just cut down on checking it twice a day would be a good thing, although it's better than the 5+ a day I was doing.

I often wonder if someone like me can ever be successful with therapy. It's one thing if you know what your problem is. But I don't really have or know what my problem is. I have plenty of demons, sure, but nothing that I can recall that could be what brought this all on. Aside from having no self-esteem, how can I tackle my problems if I don't know what they are?

I think I may have mentioned this once before, but a few people that know I have problems have often raised questions (often behind my back, never to my face. Come to think of it, that seems to be the most common place for people to discuss me. And yet people wonder why I am so paranoid.) about my sexuality, if that has anything to do with it. No, I can assure you it does not. Come to think of it, I don't even really know what my sexuality is, but even if I did, I would be fine with whatever it is. I certainly do like men, but I have also had many crushes on women. Although there have been a handful of women I would actually go pretty far with, I still don't know if I would ever go as far as anything sexual with them. I do know for a fact that I would NEVER go as far as um, going down on another female. I'm sorry, but that is just nasty.

But other than that, my sexuality is pretty much confused, I guess. And I am fine with that. Whatever makes me happy, although I do have to admit there is something about women crushes that are a hell of a lot easier than men crushes. I find I get a little more stressed with male crushes. Another weird thing is if I find out a woman crush is involved with someone, I am usually okay with it, but if it is a male, I feel bad. Especially when you see what type of women said male is into and realize you do not fall into that category. And it's dumb, but it hurts. Big time.

When I sit and really think about it, I am so fucking confused with life. I am sure everyone is, but it's frustrating. I have absolutely no idea what I want. Like a part of me would love to get married and spend my life with someone, and then another part of me does not want to be tied down to someone. I thrive on independence so much in so many areas of my life and marrying someone would just throw that all out of whack. There's times where I just feel like saying the hell with marriage and spend the rest of my life satisfying my inner whore. Just sleep around. Never have to answer to anyone. Never was a fan of the show (although I have started watching it since I lost my job), but I did see the movie....be like a real life Samantha from Sex And The City. Now it could just be the sexual frustration talking, but that is a lifestyle I could get used to!

And then I have my days, more often than not anymore, where I just get tired of people walking all over me and wish the damn backbone I so badly need would just appear. And just say the hell with being nice to people. Just turn into this super vindictive bitch who claws her way to the top without giving a shit who she pushes out of the way to get there. I am tired of being nice to people and having them shit on me. I am tired of no one ever caring about my feelings, yet I always go out of my way to not hurt others. I am tired of feeling bad when I am chosen for something over other people, even if I rightfully deserved it. Would others care? No. Why did I make myself feel bad for scoring higher than my WA on my review? I certainly don't want to turn into a nastier person than I already am, but there is only so much one person can take!

Yay Or Nay - Adrenal Fatigue

Because I have spent more hours than should be considered healthy (unless one has actually been diagnosed with it) researching Addison's, I have come across quite a few articles and forum postings on adrenal fatigue, which is basically the adrenal glands are not functioning up to par.

A lot of what I read on it comes from webpages that promote naturalistic approaches to medicine and many state that mainstream medicine brushes it off. It's kind of a tough call. It's almost like the whole aspartame debate. I imagine if you do enough research, EVERY goddamn thing under the sun could be considered dangerous to your health in some way or another.

A couple of responses to it being unreal were why do doctors only think in black and white, with Addison's and Cushing's, but not that a problem can't exist somewhere in between? Which is a good point. The only problem I see with adrenal fatigue is when you read through the symptoms, it seems very vague. And I'm sure I could find plenty of people who experience them. Hell, I could check off a pretty decent chunk of the list. So do I actually have it? I don't know.

I took a quiz out of curiosity and it asked many questions, not anything difficult to answer, but a little difficult in rating. I scored an overall 1.5, which considers my adrenals to be mildy fatigued.

If adrenal fatigue does exist, hell, I couldn't blame my adrenal glands for not wanting to function up to par. Poor diet, easily stressed out, high caffeine intake, etc. All this time I was more concerned about the stress I was putting on my cardiovascular system by being so stressed, and I certainly know first hand that stress can affect many parts of the body, but I never realized all of the specific organs it could affect. In fact- despite countless hours spent in medical books, one course of anatomy (and countless hours reading through the books outside of school, although to be fair, I do not recall the endocrine system being a part of Anatomy 1 at my school) and medical terminology- I don't even think I ever heard of the adrenal glands until recently. And if I did, I obviously pushed it to the back of my mind. After all, my mind has more important things to do, like slowly kill me by driving me nuts. But never mind that. Something needs to be done about my stress levels. It's ridiculous. And obviously very unhealthy.

I already took one stupid, but small step in easing the stress on them (and hopefully my overall stress in general) by stopping with coffee. No more two cups for me. But my digestive system isn't happy with the decision. I'm still drinking soda, but I am trying to cut back on that as well. Eventually I'd like to try to switch to decaf for the majority of the time.