Evidently, my question on whether to continue or move on from worrying about my foot is clear (continue worrying about it). I felt better and it felt better since I got the results of my x-ray and then over the weekend it started bothering me again. I have been worrying nonstop about it and it feels so uncomfortable (almost like a irritated burning discomfort that only comes when I am, strangely enough, resting) and I don't know whether it is true discomfort or at this point, psychosomatic pain. Either way, it is making me sick to my stomach every time I think about it, which is basically all day long, so I am nauseous from the time I wake up until I go to bed.
This has just been a hell of a week. I had such an upsetting day at work on Monday and I know I have said it before, but this was seriously the closest I ever came to walking out. My boss spoke so horribly to me, reaming me out for doing something that she has told me MULTIPLE TIMES to do. For once, my WA was beneficial, because she was there to back me up on what I was getting in trouble for. I was so upset and shaking so bad, I felt like I was going to burst. I went back to my desk and did nothing for 10 minutes because I had basically shut down mentally at that point.
There have been so many days where I just get so overwhelmed, I have to lay my head down or lay on my bed or on the floor and just not do anything. I am so stressed, really not over anything of significance, but just a bunch of small things. I just want to cry all the time. I have been sleeping pretty much every day I come home from work on the days I don't exercise (it's a long story; I have this fear that sleeping will slow down my revved up metabolism). I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. My whole body hurts from head to toe. My shoulders and neck tingle, which is a very uncomfortable and annoying feeling. I am so fucking depressed and it all started when this crap with my foot started. I became less active when it started, for fear of doing harm, which in turn is making me cranky and depressed because I like to be very active.
Oh boy and am I cranky! My patience is just about nonexistant. Every little thing is annoying me. Every time my father talks to me, I want to scream. My mother keeps talking excessively about the damn Casey Anthony trial. I am not even in the door five minutes after work, and if it's not my father bothering me, it's my mother going on about the goddamn case. I don't fucking care! And every night at dinner, my father has to walk by and rub my shoulder, or he will come in my bedroom and talk to me and rub my back and I just want to scream "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!". I fucking HATE when people touch me for no goddamn reason.
I don't know what else to do. And the foot worry is severely exacerbating my stress over That Thing. I am so stressed I feel like I am very close to breaking down. I can't get my mind to shut off for nothing. It feels like someone put my mind on overdrive and there is no way to stop it.
There have been many times where my stress over That Thing is driving me to the brink of contemplating suicide. I can't deal with wanting this so bad and more than likely never getting it and I can't deal with the shame of it. And one day I was thinking if I were to ever get to the point where I would actually commit suicide over it, and how if my mother were to find out about it, how she would still prefer to have me on Earth even knowing her daughter has such a sick twisted desire, rather than to never see me again. And it was like a punch in the stomach. It made me physically ill to come to that realization. But it still is not enough to admit it to her.
There was a Philadelphia firefighter who recently got in trouble for posing topless for a calendar that benefits widows. A whole big turmoil resulted and his job was affected. I think he eventually got his job back. Well, last weekend, he was found dead of suicide. I was reading an article in the Daily News about him and I just filled up. I just looked at the picture of him and wished I could open my arms, give him a hug, and take away all of his emotional and mental hurting.
So....yeah, in the last RT entry, that last part....I can't even begin to describe how much guts it took for me to admit to that. It took a lot for me to hit the Publish Post button and even after that, I contemplated going back and deleting it. And like I said, it's not something I am ashamed of- far from it- it's just something I prefer to not really admit it. I don't know, I can't describe it. I guess I have this fear that people are going to get the wrong idea. What the wrong idea could be is beyond me, but still. I also don't feel like being subjected to any psychobabble analyses.
The Crap We Missed – Thursday 6.30.11 - Photos – The Superficial - Because You're Ugly
Oh for fuck's sake. Mike, just come out of the freaking closet already.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The WTF Of The Day
Men's Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2012: The 21 Zaniest Looks (PHOTOS)
What the.....bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!
What the.....bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
An Angry Letter To Futurama
Dear Futurama:
You are my favorite show in the entire world right now. I love everything about you - the characters, the SMART humor, etc. I quote you on a daily basis. However, after Thursday's premiere episodes, I fear the time has come to end our relationship. Oh, I will still watch the old episodes, all of my boxed sets with the old episodes, and the movies. But no longer will I watch the new episodes. It is not me, it is you. A smart show like you, doing such an offense....
MENTIONING THE KARDASHIANS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Completely unforgivable. My faith in humanity has been shot.
Sincerely,
A very angry fan
You are my favorite show in the entire world right now. I love everything about you - the characters, the SMART humor, etc. I quote you on a daily basis. However, after Thursday's premiere episodes, I fear the time has come to end our relationship. Oh, I will still watch the old episodes, all of my boxed sets with the old episodes, and the movies. But no longer will I watch the new episodes. It is not me, it is you. A smart show like you, doing such an offense....
MENTIONING THE KARDASHIANS?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Completely unforgivable. My faith in humanity has been shot.
Sincerely,
A very angry fan
Quote Of The Day
From Men In Tights, a line that makes me laugh my ass off every time I hear it:
Filthy Luca: I will take these cotton balls from you with my hand and put them in my pocket
Friday, June 24, 2011
Random Thoughts
It's Friday and I'm doing what I always do- having a date with Moe, Larry, and Curly; then a date with Moe, Larry, and Shemp; then the former again, then the latter, and so on for 3 hours.
I hate my life.
Actually, it is kind of okay tonight to just not do anything. I did get to go out last night. My sister and I went to dinner and then to see the Hangover 2, which I actually laughed a lot more at than I thought I would. But in the grand tradition of things, we got stuck with three girls sitting behind us who are of the genetically unable to STFU at the movies makeup. I wanted one of those monk sticks to hit them everytime they opened their obnoxious ass mouths. Laughing obnoxiously, making comments every 5 seconds, at one point one of the brats decided to take pictures of the monkey. I just don't understand what happened to manners. And god forbid you ask them to shut up. Then you get lip. I don't get that. If I was being a little heathen and someone asked me to stop, I did. I didn't talk back or tell anyone to fuck off or anything (but I certainly thought it).
I can't figure out why exactly it was so funny, but my sister and I were laughing so hard at the part when they played "The Downeaster Alexa" by Billy Joel.
So I have heard that there were reports of the Durrrsey Shur cast being replaced. Everything I have read on it conflicts with each other. They are, they aren't. I wouldn't put it past Moron TV to say that no, they are not being replaced and then at the end of the 5th season taping, they say that the show is no longer going to continue. After all, some of the cretins do have spin-offs, which I am curious to see how the viewership of those goes. Even as much as I fucking love the Sitch, I don't know if I would have any interest in watching a spin-off. Who would he create drama with?
Look at this picture of the stupid son of a bitch. Look at that face. I can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he thinks about what he can do to exacerbate the er, situation.
I never get spin-offs when it comes to reality shows. The shows generally end due to drop in viewership and viewer disinterest, so does anyone really give a shit about the people afterwards?
I am dying to see what happens with these people when their 15 minutes expire. I shouldn't give a shit, but I am dying to hear all of the dirty laundry that comes out when these cretins finally retreat back into anonymity. I won't be very surprised if their eye-rolling, vomiting inducing "family mentality" and love for each other is nothing more than a bunch of phooey. I am also pretty convinced at least one of them is going to find Jeebus sometime down the line.
I was talking about this with my WA today and one thing I am starting to notice is she is just like every other friend I have had- she has to agree with every single thing I say. Okay, maybe she does, I don't know, but when I have her agreeing with something I am saying, and then I recall a time before she said something completely different, then that is when I start to wonder. Like the first time I ever mentioned anything about the Sitch to her, she made a big stink about what a jerk he is and all that and now all of a sudden he is the person we all love, but love to hate (her words, not mine). I just snorted when I read that from her. I was going to call her out on it, but decided against it. It's incredibly annoying. I hate saying stuff and having people agree with me ALL OF THE TIME, especially when it seems like they really do not and are just doing it for the sake of agreeing with me. Or saying something to said person only to hear almost the same words come out of their mouths a few days later. I always seem to attract these people that easily are influenced by others and who try to be like other people. I'm like, people please! Don't try to be like me! I am not a person to mimic. It drives me up the freaking wall.
Oh yes, I had my foot x-rayed last Friday and everything was normal. So now I can go in two different directions- continue to be convinced that an x-ray isn't showing anything and to worry about it still or I can finally move onto the next thing to worry about. Whatever that will be.
Well, a week has went by since I seen that guy and no luck getting to see him this week. I am disappointed. I really do not know why I want to see him again so bad. But I do. And I feel like I will freaking lose my mind if I do not get to. I want to at least see what his face looked like!
I was sitting in work the other and as usual my mind started wandering and I was thinking about That Thing and I started to think about how much I keep from everyone I know. It's actually pretty sad. Things upset me day in and day out and all I do is bottle them up and never tell anyone. And even benign things, but things I still find I am too bashful to ever admit to, I keep bottled up inside of me. If something were to ever happen to me and anyone close to me was to read anything I have written in a journal, or god forbid the letter I wrote explaining That Thing, it makes me wonder if they would question if they ever really knew me at all? Half of the time I don't even feel like I know or understand anything about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
It absolutely kills me to keep That Thing bottled up inside of me from my loved ones, especially my mom. People tell me I can tell them anything, they would never judge, etc but I just know that telling this will not receive a positive reaction. And I already am so ashamed of this. Finally getting the guts to admit it to someone and receive a negative reaction would devastate me.
I am about to go so far out of my comfort zone right now with this, but I am going to admit something that I am definitely not ashamed of by any means, but for some reason or another, I just find I have a hard time ever wanting to admit it to someone. I wouldn't say a fetish, but I have an attraction to disabled guys. More specifically, I am attracted to guys in wheelchairs.
And that guy I am dying to see again? Yes. Yes, he was.
I had planned a much longer post, but after admitting that....I kind of have nothing else to say.
I hate my life.
Actually, it is kind of okay tonight to just not do anything. I did get to go out last night. My sister and I went to dinner and then to see the Hangover 2, which I actually laughed a lot more at than I thought I would. But in the grand tradition of things, we got stuck with three girls sitting behind us who are of the genetically unable to STFU at the movies makeup. I wanted one of those monk sticks to hit them everytime they opened their obnoxious ass mouths. Laughing obnoxiously, making comments every 5 seconds, at one point one of the brats decided to take pictures of the monkey. I just don't understand what happened to manners. And god forbid you ask them to shut up. Then you get lip. I don't get that. If I was being a little heathen and someone asked me to stop, I did. I didn't talk back or tell anyone to fuck off or anything (but I certainly thought it).
I can't figure out why exactly it was so funny, but my sister and I were laughing so hard at the part when they played "The Downeaster Alexa" by Billy Joel.
So I have heard that there were reports of the Durrrsey Shur cast being replaced. Everything I have read on it conflicts with each other. They are, they aren't. I wouldn't put it past Moron TV to say that no, they are not being replaced and then at the end of the 5th season taping, they say that the show is no longer going to continue. After all, some of the cretins do have spin-offs, which I am curious to see how the viewership of those goes. Even as much as I fucking love the Sitch, I don't know if I would have any interest in watching a spin-off. Who would he create drama with?
Look at this picture of the stupid son of a bitch. Look at that face. I can literally see the wheels turning in his head as he thinks about what he can do to exacerbate the er, situation.
I never get spin-offs when it comes to reality shows. The shows generally end due to drop in viewership and viewer disinterest, so does anyone really give a shit about the people afterwards?
I am dying to see what happens with these people when their 15 minutes expire. I shouldn't give a shit, but I am dying to hear all of the dirty laundry that comes out when these cretins finally retreat back into anonymity. I won't be very surprised if their eye-rolling, vomiting inducing "family mentality" and love for each other is nothing more than a bunch of phooey. I am also pretty convinced at least one of them is going to find Jeebus sometime down the line.
I was talking about this with my WA today and one thing I am starting to notice is she is just like every other friend I have had- she has to agree with every single thing I say. Okay, maybe she does, I don't know, but when I have her agreeing with something I am saying, and then I recall a time before she said something completely different, then that is when I start to wonder. Like the first time I ever mentioned anything about the Sitch to her, she made a big stink about what a jerk he is and all that and now all of a sudden he is the person we all love, but love to hate (her words, not mine). I just snorted when I read that from her. I was going to call her out on it, but decided against it. It's incredibly annoying. I hate saying stuff and having people agree with me ALL OF THE TIME, especially when it seems like they really do not and are just doing it for the sake of agreeing with me. Or saying something to said person only to hear almost the same words come out of their mouths a few days later. I always seem to attract these people that easily are influenced by others and who try to be like other people. I'm like, people please! Don't try to be like me! I am not a person to mimic. It drives me up the freaking wall.
Oh yes, I had my foot x-rayed last Friday and everything was normal. So now I can go in two different directions- continue to be convinced that an x-ray isn't showing anything and to worry about it still or I can finally move onto the next thing to worry about. Whatever that will be.
Well, a week has went by since I seen that guy and no luck getting to see him this week. I am disappointed. I really do not know why I want to see him again so bad. But I do. And I feel like I will freaking lose my mind if I do not get to. I want to at least see what his face looked like!
I was sitting in work the other and as usual my mind started wandering and I was thinking about That Thing and I started to think about how much I keep from everyone I know. It's actually pretty sad. Things upset me day in and day out and all I do is bottle them up and never tell anyone. And even benign things, but things I still find I am too bashful to ever admit to, I keep bottled up inside of me. If something were to ever happen to me and anyone close to me was to read anything I have written in a journal, or god forbid the letter I wrote explaining That Thing, it makes me wonder if they would question if they ever really knew me at all? Half of the time I don't even feel like I know or understand anything about myself. I feel like a stranger in my own body.
It absolutely kills me to keep That Thing bottled up inside of me from my loved ones, especially my mom. People tell me I can tell them anything, they would never judge, etc but I just know that telling this will not receive a positive reaction. And I already am so ashamed of this. Finally getting the guts to admit it to someone and receive a negative reaction would devastate me.
I am about to go so far out of my comfort zone right now with this, but I am going to admit something that I am definitely not ashamed of by any means, but for some reason or another, I just find I have a hard time ever wanting to admit it to someone. I wouldn't say a fetish, but I have an attraction to disabled guys. More specifically, I am attracted to guys in wheelchairs.
And that guy I am dying to see again? Yes. Yes, he was.
I had planned a much longer post, but after admitting that....I kind of have nothing else to say.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Quote Of The Day
Since I just watched the part and laughed, from Into The Wild Green Yonder:
Leela: Put your hands in the air!
[The crowd gasps and obliges.]
Snoop Dogg: Should we wave them like we just don't care?
Leela: That's optional!
An Extremely Angry Letter To The California Legal System
Dear California Legal System:
PLEASE SEND LINDSAY LOHAN TO JAIL BEFORE I LOSE MY FREAKING MIND
Sincerely,
A Very Disgruntled American Citizen
PLEASE SEND LINDSAY LOHAN TO JAIL BEFORE I LOSE MY FREAKING MIND
Sincerely,
A Very Disgruntled American Citizen
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Random Thoughts
Ugh I can't believe tomorrow is only Wednesday. Get here quickly, weekend!
The past two days have been frustrating. Why? I do not know. I keep waking up cranky and depressed and it takes a major effort to finally haul my ass out of bed. All I want to do is lay back down and sleep. I cry every morning at work and at this point, I don't give a flying fuck if anyone catches me. Because it has nothing to do with work. I am tired and overwhelmed with life. My heart feels like it's going to break. I have to deal with wanting something that I feel ashamed for wanting. I have no idea where I am going and I feel completely lost. I don't know where to go!
I am so tired of stupid people. I was just reading comments in response to Ryan Dunn's death on the Action News Facebook page (a mecca of dumbass comments) and it is astonishing how many consider these deaths "sad". No, it is not sad. And then the crap starts up about who are we to judge and are we perfect and never make mistakes. Am I perfect? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes, more than the average person. But this? This was not a mistake. It was pure Grade A stupidity and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for his death. Drinking and driving do not mix! I cannot understand for the life of me why that is so goddamn fucking hard for people to comprehend?!
The only thing that is getting me through the days right now is the small miniscule amount of hope I cling to that I might see that guy I saw last week. I don't understand why I cannot get him off of my mind. But I feel like I am going to flip if I do not get to see him again. And I keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, one of the times I look out the front window, I will see that ugly ass white Toyota. I think the entire world will hear my squee. What? Yes, I get up and look through out the day. I know- it's kind of creepy, but I swear, it's completely harmless! But I will not deny that I would love to go over to the business one day and demand to know who he is, because I swear, if I do not find out who he is, I (and my very confused heart) will burst.
Also....I am sick of seeing previews for that new Cameron Diaz movie, where she plays a teacher. My God, that movie looks so fucking stupid, it makes my head hurt. I hope to God it bombs.
The past two days have been frustrating. Why? I do not know. I keep waking up cranky and depressed and it takes a major effort to finally haul my ass out of bed. All I want to do is lay back down and sleep. I cry every morning at work and at this point, I don't give a flying fuck if anyone catches me. Because it has nothing to do with work. I am tired and overwhelmed with life. My heart feels like it's going to break. I have to deal with wanting something that I feel ashamed for wanting. I have no idea where I am going and I feel completely lost. I don't know where to go!
I am so tired of stupid people. I was just reading comments in response to Ryan Dunn's death on the Action News Facebook page (a mecca of dumbass comments) and it is astonishing how many consider these deaths "sad". No, it is not sad. And then the crap starts up about who are we to judge and are we perfect and never make mistakes. Am I perfect? No. Do I make mistakes? Yes, more than the average person. But this? This was not a mistake. It was pure Grade A stupidity and I don't feel an ounce of sympathy for his death. Drinking and driving do not mix! I cannot understand for the life of me why that is so goddamn fucking hard for people to comprehend?!
The only thing that is getting me through the days right now is the small miniscule amount of hope I cling to that I might see that guy I saw last week. I don't understand why I cannot get him off of my mind. But I feel like I am going to flip if I do not get to see him again. And I keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, one of the times I look out the front window, I will see that ugly ass white Toyota. I think the entire world will hear my squee. What? Yes, I get up and look through out the day. I know- it's kind of creepy, but I swear, it's completely harmless! But I will not deny that I would love to go over to the business one day and demand to know who he is, because I swear, if I do not find out who he is, I (and my very confused heart) will burst.
Also....I am sick of seeing previews for that new Cameron Diaz movie, where she plays a teacher. My God, that movie looks so fucking stupid, it makes my head hurt. I hope to God it bombs.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Random Thoughts
Well, at least yesterday turned out to be a pleasant day. I went down Wildwood again, just for the day this time, and despite being hot, it was a nice day otherwise. I think this is the most I have been down the shore this early in the season. Ocean City the weekend after the wedding, Seaside on Memorial Day weekend, Wildwood last weekend and then again this weekend.
Today, however....whole other story. I finally rolled out of bed around 11AM and I came out and I noticed that my father was not home. And when I questioned my mother about it, she said he started his shit again this morning, she screamed at him, and then he got up and went out. And was still not home by the time by aunt came with my grandparents to pick us up to go out for a little bit. So I didn't even get to spend Father's Day with my father. Although I am sure he would have been miserable anyway. But that is not the point. There was no reason for it. And today, God forgive me for saying this, was one of the worst days to spend with my grandfather. That man knows how to take stress levels to places you could never even begin to imagine they could go to.
I don't know if it's from hormones, because this does happen sometimes during my period, but I am so overwhelmed right now, I don't even know where to go from here. Between sky high stress levels at home, the stress at work, my foot, That Thing rearing its head again....I feel like I am about to reach the breaking point. And I really don't want to go down that path again.
I am starting to get very fearful that one of these days someone is going to push the wrong button. I don't mean in the sense that I will hurt anyone. No, rather either myself or I am going to say something that will have long term consequences. Namely with work. My boss just keeps on at it with me. I swear to God, I have never seen someone who can make things as complicated as my boss. The other day I received an email nitpicking my work (over what I fucking title something, for God's sake) and I had to go outside for a couple minutes to cool off because I knew if I didn't, I was very close to saying something I would severely regret.
And I don't know what to do with That Thing anymore. I would like to be able to just sit back and accept it. It's me. There is not much I can do about it. I would like to be able to tell someone about it. But I just do not believe that will ever be possible. I would like to believe people would still be able to look at me the same after telling or that they would even want to talk to me still. But I do not think that will be likely. I can barely look at myself the same. And heaven forbid they should ask me the inevitable question- why. I cannot answer them. I do not have any answer. There are only two things I know about this- I want it and I am absolutely ashamed of it.
And every single time I start to really worry about my foot, it only makes me want it more.
And you want to hear something nutty? I cannot stop thinking about that guy I saw the other day. I want to see him again. I don't even know if he was cute! I was so attracted by, uh, something else, I didn't even really look at his face. And yes, I know, I know, looks aren't everything, but I am not going to lie- they do matter a little to me (and do not, under any circumstances, make one friggin reference to my current celebrity crush). And somehow I have a feeling I will not ever get to see him again (I don't know if he was someone from out of state with the business or what, but the car he was riding in had license plates from Georgia). And it makes me sad.
It would be nice, though. It would make getting up for work a little more enjoyable. Kind of like how getting to see your high school crush always made going to school a little more bearable.
Today, however....whole other story. I finally rolled out of bed around 11AM and I came out and I noticed that my father was not home. And when I questioned my mother about it, she said he started his shit again this morning, she screamed at him, and then he got up and went out. And was still not home by the time by aunt came with my grandparents to pick us up to go out for a little bit. So I didn't even get to spend Father's Day with my father. Although I am sure he would have been miserable anyway. But that is not the point. There was no reason for it. And today, God forgive me for saying this, was one of the worst days to spend with my grandfather. That man knows how to take stress levels to places you could never even begin to imagine they could go to.
I don't know if it's from hormones, because this does happen sometimes during my period, but I am so overwhelmed right now, I don't even know where to go from here. Between sky high stress levels at home, the stress at work, my foot, That Thing rearing its head again....I feel like I am about to reach the breaking point. And I really don't want to go down that path again.
I am starting to get very fearful that one of these days someone is going to push the wrong button. I don't mean in the sense that I will hurt anyone. No, rather either myself or I am going to say something that will have long term consequences. Namely with work. My boss just keeps on at it with me. I swear to God, I have never seen someone who can make things as complicated as my boss. The other day I received an email nitpicking my work (over what I fucking title something, for God's sake) and I had to go outside for a couple minutes to cool off because I knew if I didn't, I was very close to saying something I would severely regret.
And I don't know what to do with That Thing anymore. I would like to be able to just sit back and accept it. It's me. There is not much I can do about it. I would like to be able to tell someone about it. But I just do not believe that will ever be possible. I would like to believe people would still be able to look at me the same after telling or that they would even want to talk to me still. But I do not think that will be likely. I can barely look at myself the same. And heaven forbid they should ask me the inevitable question- why. I cannot answer them. I do not have any answer. There are only two things I know about this- I want it and I am absolutely ashamed of it.
And every single time I start to really worry about my foot, it only makes me want it more.
And you want to hear something nutty? I cannot stop thinking about that guy I saw the other day. I want to see him again. I don't even know if he was cute! I was so attracted by, uh, something else, I didn't even really look at his face. And yes, I know, I know, looks aren't everything, but I am not going to lie- they do matter a little to me (and do not, under any circumstances, make one friggin reference to my current celebrity crush). And somehow I have a feeling I will not ever get to see him again (I don't know if he was someone from out of state with the business or what, but the car he was riding in had license plates from Georgia). And it makes me sad.
It would be nice, though. It would make getting up for work a little more enjoyable. Kind of like how getting to see your high school crush always made going to school a little more bearable.
Quote Of The Day
Lady Miss Kier on Beyonce and other things:
I was wrong. Beyonce stole the most inspiring part of her show from a less famous,original AND contemporary GIRL currently trying to run the world in italy Lorella Cuccariniand. This biting is more than inspiration….the angel wings, the multiple busby berkly clones, the drums, the linnear shapes booted into motion,etc…..slamming the coffin lid and putting Lorella’s act 6 feet under . it’s one thing to reach into the past for inspiration like I do , but many of todays artists like bouncy, gaga, madonna, rhiana, ke$ha build a career flat out stealing from their less famous contempoarys struggling in the underground but taking risks as artists. Before their feet hit the bottom step of the stage and before they can ever get off the ground , someone with a mobile phone spreads the infoand wa-la- the rip-off begins with a huge budget. AND what’s worse is the record companys fund them for that EXACT reason because it’s already tried and true and feels familiar and safe. no risk. they’re selling mediocracy. ( will be their downfall) The record company’s get nervous when faced with original ideas. it’s why they told dee-lite we were too weird to give tour support to or too gay sounding for any radio promotion or video funding. . they said ” but it dosn’t sound like anything on the radio so it’s too risky to fund.” Who runs the world???? biters ! Who runs the world? thiefs Who runs the world? rich kids. Who runs the world? copycats. Who runs the world? those who rip off the tried and the truely inspiring. NO RESPECT on this one BOUNCY. except for your hips. yes she did do it better- but that’s the easy part. I had heard that she’s ripped off Halo and irreplaceable but those songs were so corny i couldn’t bear to listen to the original inspiration - Big Fail for the academy who awarded her “ORIGINAL ARTIST” . this is the generation McDonna inspired to a tee. there are other cultures known for ripping off and bootlegging everything UNIQUE under the sun -this is our culture now so….. hide your looks, hide your hooks, hide your riffs, hide your lyrics-they be raping errybody out here (sic)I LOVE YOU
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Random Thoughts
Thank God it is going to be Friday tomorrow! Today was probably the closest I came to having a complete meltdown and walking out the door. And heaven forbid I be caught in tears again.
Once. Fucking once.
My dad has really been irritating me lately, especially after how he behaved on the day we celebrated my mom's birthday. The man isn't some creep, he's just fucking stupid and he really needs to learn some fucking boundaries when it comes to his adult daughter. I was in my bathroom the other day and I had not gotten the chance to shut my door yet and I was putting aloe vera on my legs and he comes to the doorway and says good night and then stands and makes small talk. I'm like, excuse me, one I am not interested in small talk with you and two, I do not want my father standing in the doorway when I am rubbing gel on my legs. I am beyond sick and tired of him just inviting himself in my bedroom whenever he damn well feels like it. And he really, REALLY needs to learn that if my door is not open all the way, DO NOT JUST FUCKING ENTER. He needs to realize that I could very well be doing something he has no business seeing and if he keeps it up, with as evil and rotten as I am feeling and as much as he is pissing me off with how he treats my mother, I might turn around and play dirty with it.
I have been feeling quite miserable over the past few days because 1) I had PMS 2) my intestines are acting up again and 3) That Thing is overpowering again. You know, why do I say my intestines are acting up? That is the whole problem! They are NOT working! Everything is going in, but nothing is coming out! I hate constipation! And once again, do you know what I say?
And like I said last week, if I do not go to the bathroom soon, I am going to go absolutely postal.
But anyway, last night I was lying in my bed and feeling miserable and bloated and depressed and That Thing decided to hit really hard. And then I remembered that one time I wrote a letter explaining the entire problem (but have never given to anyone to read and more than likely the only time another person will ever read that letter is if I were to be dead), so I got it out to read and it just made me sad reading it. It's such a terrible lonely secret to have to deal with. I hate that I cannot tell anyone about it. I could, if I want to be ridiculed even more than I already am. I already don't have a big social circle. Telling people this would severely reduce it. My family tells me I can tell them anything, but somehow I have a feeling something like this does not register on their radar of what could possibly be wrong with their daughter/sister/niece/whatever.
All I want is to experience part of it for one day just to see how I would genuinely feel about it. I have dreams of having this thing and in every single dream, the same thing runs through my head- I feel right. And then I wake up and realize it was all a dream and I start to cry.
My WA and I were leaving together and we were both outside ranting and raving and I happened to look across the parking walk and I saw a guy coming with what I want and it was pretty much the only thing I could focus on from that point on (I mean my attention, I wasn't staring. Please, what kind of person do you take me for? Okay, okay, some shifty side eye). We ended our conversation a few minutes later and my car was parked across the lot from theirs and they were still getting situated with getting in the car, so I got in mine and watched through the side mirror (don't judge) and I just felt overwhelmingly sad. Between thinking how bad I want it and how depressing it is that both of us would probably switch places in a heartbeat. I wanted to cry so bad on the way home, but nothing was coming out.
This is definitely a lot more than I am comfortable wanting to admit, but this whole problem is basically Body Integrity Identity Disorder. Except that it is not amputation I want.
And because it is a song that I truly love dearly, thanks to its constant use of getting me through really difficult times, I am making "Written In The Star" Video Of The Day again:
Once. Fucking once.
My dad has really been irritating me lately, especially after how he behaved on the day we celebrated my mom's birthday. The man isn't some creep, he's just fucking stupid and he really needs to learn some fucking boundaries when it comes to his adult daughter. I was in my bathroom the other day and I had not gotten the chance to shut my door yet and I was putting aloe vera on my legs and he comes to the doorway and says good night and then stands and makes small talk. I'm like, excuse me, one I am not interested in small talk with you and two, I do not want my father standing in the doorway when I am rubbing gel on my legs. I am beyond sick and tired of him just inviting himself in my bedroom whenever he damn well feels like it. And he really, REALLY needs to learn that if my door is not open all the way, DO NOT JUST FUCKING ENTER. He needs to realize that I could very well be doing something he has no business seeing and if he keeps it up, with as evil and rotten as I am feeling and as much as he is pissing me off with how he treats my mother, I might turn around and play dirty with it.
I have been feeling quite miserable over the past few days because 1) I had PMS 2) my intestines are acting up again and 3) That Thing is overpowering again. You know, why do I say my intestines are acting up? That is the whole problem! They are NOT working! Everything is going in, but nothing is coming out! I hate constipation! And once again, do you know what I say?
And like I said last week, if I do not go to the bathroom soon, I am going to go absolutely postal.
But anyway, last night I was lying in my bed and feeling miserable and bloated and depressed and That Thing decided to hit really hard. And then I remembered that one time I wrote a letter explaining the entire problem (but have never given to anyone to read and more than likely the only time another person will ever read that letter is if I were to be dead), so I got it out to read and it just made me sad reading it. It's such a terrible lonely secret to have to deal with. I hate that I cannot tell anyone about it. I could, if I want to be ridiculed even more than I already am. I already don't have a big social circle. Telling people this would severely reduce it. My family tells me I can tell them anything, but somehow I have a feeling something like this does not register on their radar of what could possibly be wrong with their daughter/sister/niece/whatever.
All I want is to experience part of it for one day just to see how I would genuinely feel about it. I have dreams of having this thing and in every single dream, the same thing runs through my head- I feel right. And then I wake up and realize it was all a dream and I start to cry.
My WA and I were leaving together and we were both outside ranting and raving and I happened to look across the parking walk and I saw a guy coming with what I want and it was pretty much the only thing I could focus on from that point on (I mean my attention, I wasn't staring. Please, what kind of person do you take me for? Okay, okay, some shifty side eye). We ended our conversation a few minutes later and my car was parked across the lot from theirs and they were still getting situated with getting in the car, so I got in mine and watched through the side mirror (don't judge) and I just felt overwhelmingly sad. Between thinking how bad I want it and how depressing it is that both of us would probably switch places in a heartbeat. I wanted to cry so bad on the way home, but nothing was coming out.
This is definitely a lot more than I am comfortable wanting to admit, but this whole problem is basically Body Integrity Identity Disorder. Except that it is not amputation I want.
And because it is a song that I truly love dearly, thanks to its constant use of getting me through really difficult times, I am making "Written In The Star" Video Of The Day again:
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
The Headline Of The Day
DOCUMENTS: Bill Maher Paid $850 For Weiner | Radar Online
*titters*
*laughs even harder at the word "titters"
*titters*
*laughs even harder at the word "titters"
Picture Of The Day
This made me laugh for a good ten minutes straight:
OMFG....that drawing just makes the entire picture.
OMFG....that drawing just makes the entire picture.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Picture/Stupid Of The Day
The magenta pink color is my WA. She left work an hour early today because she had too much to take care of at home. Too bad she is too dumb to realize I am referring to her.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Picture Of The Day
(From this)
*sputters* What th....they look like they are on a date!
I seem to have a very bizarre sense of taste in what I find attractive. We got this bitch, the Situation, reigning king of my celebrity crush world, an overly jacked up, too tan guido. And then we have Andrew Vanwyngarden, of MGMT, a skinny jeans wearing, longish-haired pretty boy, generally three huge turn offs, but for some reason or another, works with him. Could two people be any more different? And even after seeing this picture (Jeebus, that picture is terrifyingly and disturbingly beautiful), I still get a bigger gay vibe from the former. I don't really get any vibe from Andrew, because it just seems like it would be too obvious. Maybe bisexual at the most.
I'm a tad bit creeped out by how Mike is looking at Ronnie. He looks like, ohhh, baby.
Random Thoughts
So I found out my rate increase and....look, I am happy I got one, don't get me wrong. But considering how poor my evaluation ended up being, I am not happy with it. I am still absolutely LIVID over my evaluation. And some of the other scores were pretty fucking pathetic, too. I don't doubt these people are pretty hard workers and their scores were abysmal.
And finding out that the racist bitch in work- who comes and goes as she pleases and spends most of the day on the phone (when our records custodian is making comments about someone, then you know it is pretty bad) when she is actually in work and when she isn't doing that, she is rushing into her email box to type out an email to our manager to rat someone out- makes significantly more than I do. I just think of some of the people who make more than I do (this bitch and my WA) and then I think of the things they do and I just want to punch the wall.
My WA spent over an hour back talking to her friend today and when we were leaving, she says to me something about the next two days they are going to have a bitch fest at the end of the day and I am welcome to join and I wanted to turn around and say "yes, that would be lovely and I would infact enjoy that very much; however, I am on the clock and am expected to be working".
My WA was planning on leaving an hour early today because her stomach was bothering her and she could barely keep her eyes open. I seriously just cannot with her anymore. Every fucking week, she is leaving for some reason or another and it's always "I have to make up my time and stay late today" and then she always ends up leaving with me. She is never in work on time (I will come out at 10 after 8 and her office is still dark). She takes longer than a half hour lunch (which she finally confirmed for me the other day). Her theory is as long as she makes her 8 hours, what is the big difference, which in a way, makes sort of sense, but 1) I doubt she ever does, judging by whenever I actually see her in work and 2) WE ARE GIVING A SCHEDULE.
I am just beyond fed up with that place. And there is no point in even complaining anymore, because everyone's theory is just "it is what it is". Every time someone says that to me, I see red.
I went down Wildwood for the weekend and it wasn't a bad weekend. The boardwalk was just a crazy house, though. I think it was the start of Senior Week, which is just always a dandy time to be down there. I saw a t-shirt in one of the stores that said "Senior Week 2011 Get Drunk Or Go Home" and I was just like, really? It just astonished me. And then the best part was when we were coming back and we were coming up towards Douglas' Salt Water Taffy and this huge- and I mean HUGE, like probably a hundred or so- group of black kids (what? That is what they were; I am not being prejudice) comes running from the opposite direction and then they go running off the boardwalk exit at James' Salt Water Taffy. I don't know what the fuck was going on. A flash mob, a fight was going to break out, whatever. All I know is it scared the hell out of me. My legs would not stop shaking the rest of the walk off the boardwalk. All I kept thinking was, if I die here tonight, I am going to be really fucking pissed. I would welcome death right now (especially with the fact that That Thing is rearing it's ugly head again) but I want it to be by my own doing, not at the hands of some cretins that didn't get enough beatings as children.
And as noted, I also got my first bad case of sunburn of the summer. I am in horrible pain.
And for absolutely no reason at all, I want to just say how much I hate that "Love Pink" crap from Victoria's Secret. Every time I see a girl wearing them (which I can generally know right off the top of my head who is going to be wearing the crap; it's not that hard, really), I want to puke.
And finding out that the racist bitch in work- who comes and goes as she pleases and spends most of the day on the phone (when our records custodian is making comments about someone, then you know it is pretty bad) when she is actually in work and when she isn't doing that, she is rushing into her email box to type out an email to our manager to rat someone out- makes significantly more than I do. I just think of some of the people who make more than I do (this bitch and my WA) and then I think of the things they do and I just want to punch the wall.
My WA spent over an hour back talking to her friend today and when we were leaving, she says to me something about the next two days they are going to have a bitch fest at the end of the day and I am welcome to join and I wanted to turn around and say "yes, that would be lovely and I would infact enjoy that very much; however, I am on the clock and am expected to be working".
My WA was planning on leaving an hour early today because her stomach was bothering her and she could barely keep her eyes open. I seriously just cannot with her anymore. Every fucking week, she is leaving for some reason or another and it's always "I have to make up my time and stay late today" and then she always ends up leaving with me. She is never in work on time (I will come out at 10 after 8 and her office is still dark). She takes longer than a half hour lunch (which she finally confirmed for me the other day). Her theory is as long as she makes her 8 hours, what is the big difference, which in a way, makes sort of sense, but 1) I doubt she ever does, judging by whenever I actually see her in work and 2) WE ARE GIVING A SCHEDULE.
I am just beyond fed up with that place. And there is no point in even complaining anymore, because everyone's theory is just "it is what it is". Every time someone says that to me, I see red.
I went down Wildwood for the weekend and it wasn't a bad weekend. The boardwalk was just a crazy house, though. I think it was the start of Senior Week, which is just always a dandy time to be down there. I saw a t-shirt in one of the stores that said "Senior Week 2011 Get Drunk Or Go Home" and I was just like, really? It just astonished me. And then the best part was when we were coming back and we were coming up towards Douglas' Salt Water Taffy and this huge- and I mean HUGE, like probably a hundred or so- group of black kids (what? That is what they were; I am not being prejudice) comes running from the opposite direction and then they go running off the boardwalk exit at James' Salt Water Taffy. I don't know what the fuck was going on. A flash mob, a fight was going to break out, whatever. All I know is it scared the hell out of me. My legs would not stop shaking the rest of the walk off the boardwalk. All I kept thinking was, if I die here tonight, I am going to be really fucking pissed. I would welcome death right now (especially with the fact that That Thing is rearing it's ugly head again) but I want it to be by my own doing, not at the hands of some cretins that didn't get enough beatings as children.
And as noted, I also got my first bad case of sunburn of the summer. I am in horrible pain.
And for absolutely no reason at all, I want to just say how much I hate that "Love Pink" crap from Victoria's Secret. Every time I see a girl wearing them (which I can generally know right off the top of my head who is going to be wearing the crap; it's not that hard, really), I want to puke.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Quote Of The Day
I'm sorry, I don't know who Kathleen Hanna is. But I love her already:
I mean, is it really that different when it's a skinny white woman in a bathing suit singing these things? None of these women ever wear pants, first of all. Second of all, just because you're wearing a goofy hat doesn't make it performance art. I mean, that's just my feeling about it. A lot of the music just sounds like bad Euro disco, though that first Ke$ha song "TiK ToK" was good. But (Katy Perry's) "I Kissed a Girl" was just straight-up offensive. The whole thing is like, I kissed a girl so my boyfriend could masturbate about it later. It's disgusting. It's exactly every male fantasy of fake lesbian porn. It's pathetic. And she's not a good singer.
Random Thoughts
Man, today is getting on my last nerve.
I have said it so many times before, but I never tire of saying it. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE. I hate the way people drive, I hate the stupid things people do in general, I just hate people in general. I almost went absolutely apeshit on my boss today. Let's just say anything I felt bad about saying in the evaluation we were invited to fill out went out the window after today.
I hate being so goddamn thin-skinned. I left a comment somewhere saying I thought someone looked kind of hot and someone responded back with "I think you're kinda stupid" and I'm just like, really? Was that really necessary? I know I shouldn't let it bother me, because it's just some stupid nobody, but it is bugging me. I hate that I have to feel hurt so easily.
*looks in mirror* DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU!
I know I probably am pot calling the kettle black here and need to take my own advice, but sometimes I wish people would realize just how hurtful words can be and how there is always the chance that those words could be the straw that broke the camel's back.
I was able to get an appointment with the doctor tonight. It's weird, anymore whenever I go to the doctor, I always get really bad anxiety when I am sitting in the exam room waiting. I don't really know why. I get nervous about talking to the doctor. I guess kind of like performance anxiety. My doctor went over a few things with me and then looked over my foot. He suggested an x-ray just to rule anything out, but of course he had to go and say "to rule out a stress fracture or anything" and then talked about what they would do if that was discovered and then jokingly said something like he doesn't think it is anythng but watch the x-ray will show a fracture. My doctor seen me through the worst period of my life (I am still convinced everytime he sees I am there, he contemplates running off). I would think that he would know not to joke with me like that!
The good news is, he told I don't need to lose anymore weight! Of course, I would still like to be thinner, but I have kind of reached the point where I don't care if I lose anymore. Now comes the fun part of trying to figure out how to balance my caloric intake so I don't lose, but I don't gain.
But yeah....in addition to the billion other things, now my stress over my foot is even worse.
I have said it so many times before, but I never tire of saying it. I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE. I hate the way people drive, I hate the stupid things people do in general, I just hate people in general. I almost went absolutely apeshit on my boss today. Let's just say anything I felt bad about saying in the evaluation we were invited to fill out went out the window after today.
I hate being so goddamn thin-skinned. I left a comment somewhere saying I thought someone looked kind of hot and someone responded back with "I think you're kinda stupid" and I'm just like, really? Was that really necessary? I know I shouldn't let it bother me, because it's just some stupid nobody, but it is bugging me. I hate that I have to feel hurt so easily.
*looks in mirror* DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU!
I know I probably am pot calling the kettle black here and need to take my own advice, but sometimes I wish people would realize just how hurtful words can be and how there is always the chance that those words could be the straw that broke the camel's back.
I was able to get an appointment with the doctor tonight. It's weird, anymore whenever I go to the doctor, I always get really bad anxiety when I am sitting in the exam room waiting. I don't really know why. I get nervous about talking to the doctor. I guess kind of like performance anxiety. My doctor went over a few things with me and then looked over my foot. He suggested an x-ray just to rule anything out, but of course he had to go and say "to rule out a stress fracture or anything" and then talked about what they would do if that was discovered and then jokingly said something like he doesn't think it is anythng but watch the x-ray will show a fracture. My doctor seen me through the worst period of my life (I am still convinced everytime he sees I am there, he contemplates running off). I would think that he would know not to joke with me like that!
The good news is, he told I don't need to lose anymore weight! Of course, I would still like to be thinner, but I have kind of reached the point where I don't care if I lose anymore. Now comes the fun part of trying to figure out how to balance my caloric intake so I don't lose, but I don't gain.
But yeah....in addition to the billion other things, now my stress over my foot is even worse.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Random Thoughts
One night I had the radio on and "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)" came on and I remembered that it was my eighth grade class song. And then I realized the song was 13 years old and I felt old.
*throws cane at computer monitor*
I am absolutely disappointed in Memebase. One of their memes is Bear Grylls and this whole "better drink my own piss" thing, because apparently he did that one time. Well, I found out from D-Listed that today is his birthday so I hopped right over to Memebase to see what kind of crazy submissions would be up for his birthday. Not one single one. I thought for sure there be at least one "it's my birthday, celebrate by drinking my own piss" or something.
God, is this week going to be over soon or what?!
So huzzah, Durrsey Shur is coming back to NJ. Guess I better get back to Seaside one last time before the madness starts up again. I don't understand why they ever went over to Italy anyway. They were clearly way out of their element over there. None of the residents living there seemed like they wanted them (we know the mayor probably didn't, judging by the strict rules he laid down). Every single picture I have seen of the cast has not one interaction with any Italians. Looks like the cast was constantly with American students abroad. It does not seem like they did anything over there that they could not have done here. And seeing some pictures of the girls that Sitcho has supposedly "hooked up" with, hell, maybe there is a chance he might find me attractive. Ha. Yeah. Right. Too many people tell me I am attractive, although frankly, it just goes in one ear and right out the other. I still want to bash the mirror with my bare fists every time I look in it. And frankly, I am surprised the show is even going to be having a 5th season, after the little bit I saw of the 3rd season, when it became The Ronnie And That Thing He Dates Drama Hour.
I might watch it once to see what went down between Ronnie and Sitch. One can only hope that this went down between the two of them (comment left by Double D):
Somehow now I like the idea of Sitch and Ronnie better. Ah. One can fantasize, yes?
My WA left work early on Monday. She said she wasn't feeling good and hopefully didn't catch what was going around this office. I wanted to say to her, what is going around the office? There is nothing going around the office! My boss had a cold and my WA's friend- the one that she goes back to talk to for 40 minutes (1o minutes WA time)- had bronchitis (and has been hacking like the hounds of hell and driving me up the wall with it). And then today she is worried her boyfriend might have to have surgery and asked me is it wrong that the first thing she thought was there goes her sex life? Besides wanting to projectile vomit that this white trash bitch is getting laid and I am not, I wanted to say and there goes your weekly pregnancy scares as well. Someone seriously needs to sterilize this bitch, because she is too stupid to procreate. I actually shake in my boots (as should you) that one of these days she is going to fuck and it will actually take.
And speaking of TMI, if I do not go to the bathroom soon, I am going to go absolutely postal.
*throws cane at computer monitor*
I am absolutely disappointed in Memebase. One of their memes is Bear Grylls and this whole "better drink my own piss" thing, because apparently he did that one time. Well, I found out from D-Listed that today is his birthday so I hopped right over to Memebase to see what kind of crazy submissions would be up for his birthday. Not one single one. I thought for sure there be at least one "it's my birthday, celebrate by drinking my own piss" or something.
God, is this week going to be over soon or what?!
So huzzah, Durrsey Shur is coming back to NJ. Guess I better get back to Seaside one last time before the madness starts up again. I don't understand why they ever went over to Italy anyway. They were clearly way out of their element over there. None of the residents living there seemed like they wanted them (we know the mayor probably didn't, judging by the strict rules he laid down). Every single picture I have seen of the cast has not one interaction with any Italians. Looks like the cast was constantly with American students abroad. It does not seem like they did anything over there that they could not have done here. And seeing some pictures of the girls that Sitcho has supposedly "hooked up" with, hell, maybe there is a chance he might find me attractive. Ha. Yeah. Right. Too many people tell me I am attractive, although frankly, it just goes in one ear and right out the other. I still want to bash the mirror with my bare fists every time I look in it. And frankly, I am surprised the show is even going to be having a 5th season, after the little bit I saw of the 3rd season, when it became The Ronnie And That Thing He Dates Drama Hour.
I might watch it once to see what went down between Ronnie and Sitch. One can only hope that this went down between the two of them (comment left by Double D):
I assume the hoodie is to hide the damage Ronnie did when he donkey punched the Sitch in the back of the head during one of their sweet, sweet guido love making sessions.Bwahahahaahahahahaahahahaaha!
Somehow now I like the idea of Sitch and Ronnie better. Ah. One can fantasize, yes?
My WA left work early on Monday. She said she wasn't feeling good and hopefully didn't catch what was going around this office. I wanted to say to her, what is going around the office? There is nothing going around the office! My boss had a cold and my WA's friend- the one that she goes back to talk to for 40 minutes (1o minutes WA time)- had bronchitis (and has been hacking like the hounds of hell and driving me up the wall with it). And then today she is worried her boyfriend might have to have surgery and asked me is it wrong that the first thing she thought was there goes her sex life? Besides wanting to projectile vomit that this white trash bitch is getting laid and I am not, I wanted to say and there goes your weekly pregnancy scares as well. Someone seriously needs to sterilize this bitch, because she is too stupid to procreate. I actually shake in my boots (as should you) that one of these days she is going to fuck and it will actually take.
And speaking of TMI, if I do not go to the bathroom soon, I am going to go absolutely postal.
Monday, June 6, 2011
The Headline Of The Day
Nancy Pelosi Calls For The House To Probe Weiner | Radar Online
*snickers*
Sometimes I cannot believe I am going to be 30 in a couple years.
*snickers*
Sometimes I cannot believe I am going to be 30 in a couple years.
The WTF Of The Day
I weep for the future of this country. I really do:
OK, I know I have a tendency to fly off the handle easily, but for the love of God....
IT IS YOU'RE. YOU'RE! YOU'RE! NOT YOUR! YOU'RE!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, I know I have a tendency to fly off the handle easily, but for the love of God....
IT IS YOU'RE. YOU'RE! YOU'RE! NOT YOUR! YOU'RE!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, June 4, 2011
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Part Due
The details on my evaluation.
I could just simply say that if I could have, I would have walked out. But I am not.
Not one person I have talked with is happy with their evaluations. For one, we all scored pretty low. Most of us were slapped with 6's (out of 9) in every area. I received a little higher than that on my attendance, but I still feel I should have scored a 9. I scored an 8 out of 9 and my boss didn't even remember that I have, in fact, called out one day! I reminded her I did!
But nothing has me more pissed than the one area. I have said before that when you have as much hatred for yourself like I do, you generally are aware of almost all, if not ALL, of your flaws. I know I am an emotional person. I know I get overwhelmed easily. I hate it with a passion and I am working on making it better, but it just does not seem to be going anywhere. And I am kind of beginning to think it is just a part of who I am, like my eye color. I sat down with my boss one day and I explained to her that I have been through a lot of emotional trouble over the past couple years and that I am trying to deal with it and fix it. And she seemed understanding about it.
But to turn around and use it against me in my evaluation? That was low. When she read that out loud- in front of her boss- I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I was mortified. Alright, it was one thing to mention that I get a little overwhelmed. But the other part? No. There was absolutely no reason to have that in there. To me, this is like penalizing me for being unable to run after losing my fucking leg or becoming paralyzed. Thanks for making me feel like a worthless piece of shit.
And like several other people have said, where exactly does she get off saying I do not have good judgement? This from the same person who constantly uses the F word, rants and raves about her manager and our sister company any chance she gets, calls the same people foul names any chance she gets, and talks smack about her employees to her other employees.
I could just simply say that if I could have, I would have walked out. But I am not.
Not one person I have talked with is happy with their evaluations. For one, we all scored pretty low. Most of us were slapped with 6's (out of 9) in every area. I received a little higher than that on my attendance, but I still feel I should have scored a 9. I scored an 8 out of 9 and my boss didn't even remember that I have, in fact, called out one day! I reminded her I did!
But nothing has me more pissed than the one area. I have said before that when you have as much hatred for yourself like I do, you generally are aware of almost all, if not ALL, of your flaws. I know I am an emotional person. I know I get overwhelmed easily. I hate it with a passion and I am working on making it better, but it just does not seem to be going anywhere. And I am kind of beginning to think it is just a part of who I am, like my eye color. I sat down with my boss one day and I explained to her that I have been through a lot of emotional trouble over the past couple years and that I am trying to deal with it and fix it. And she seemed understanding about it.
But to turn around and use it against me in my evaluation? That was low. When she read that out loud- in front of her boss- I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I was mortified. Alright, it was one thing to mention that I get a little overwhelmed. But the other part? No. There was absolutely no reason to have that in there. To me, this is like penalizing me for being unable to run after losing my fucking leg or becoming paralyzed. Thanks for making me feel like a worthless piece of shit.
And like several other people have said, where exactly does she get off saying I do not have good judgement? This from the same person who constantly uses the F word, rants and raves about her manager and our sister company any chance she gets, calls the same people foul names any chance she gets, and talks smack about her employees to her other employees.
An Angry Letter To The American Media
Dear American Media:
Yes, she is very attrative. Yes, I would say she is hot. But for the love of all that is holy....
SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT PIPPA MIDDLETON ALREADY.
Sincerely,
A disgrtuntled American citizen
Yes, she is very attrative. Yes, I would say she is hot. But for the love of all that is holy....
SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT PIPPA MIDDLETON ALREADY.
Sincerely,
A disgrtuntled American citizen
Thursday, June 2, 2011
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Still one more day of work.
Digestive system still malfunctioning.
Scale was down 2 or 3 pounds, but still up.
Job evaluation tomorrow.
EDIT 6/3: Pretty much my reaction to my evaluation:
Details to come.
Digestive system still malfunctioning.
Scale was down 2 or 3 pounds, but still up.
Job evaluation tomorrow.
EDIT 6/3: Pretty much my reaction to my evaluation:
Details to come.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Random Thoughts
Two days of work down, two more to go. Do you know what I say to that?
I get my evaluation on Friday.
I was 4 pounds more this morning because my digestive system appears to not want to work again.
Sorry. I am feeling picturesque today. Ragey picturesque. I wrote many things today followed by a FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I am so annoyed with my digestive system and I am back to wanting to rip it out of my abdomen. I am starting to wonder if this always seems to occur during ovulation time. I am always going to start writing everything down, but I still haven't.
I want to believe that the 4 pound weight gain is due to my digestive system because while yes, I was bad the entire weekend, I doubt I ate 14,000 EXTRA calories on top of what I normally eat. Hell, I doubt I even ate anywhere near 14,000 calories altogether between the 4 days combined. And I did ramp up my exercise all of those days (45 minutes instead of 30). I hope it's only due to my digestive system wanting to misbehave, but I am still freaking out over it.
I am not looking forward to getting my evaluation. I like to believe I am a good worker. My attendence is pretty much perfect- never late, never left early (except with pre-approved PTO usage), only one call out (three if you count two days when it was much too hazardous to drive and we were under STATE OF EMERGENCIES). I have never been scolded for talking too much (and have never once received the infamous too much chit chatting emails, except when they were sent to the entire office). Am I going to be worthy of a raise? I have no idea. I hope so. For one, I have been there almost 2 years. Two, I am doing almost a completely different job (and pretty much everyone else's) than when I started. Even if I only get as much of a raise as I did last year, it would be nice. I'd like more, of course, but right now I will take what I can get.
I am also not looking forward to my WA getting her performance. Because I will have to hear about it nonstop. I am sure something will be said about her talking and then I am going to have to hear about how everyone else gets away with it, why shouldn't she, oh she never leaves her desk except for no more than 10 minutes at the end of the day (I don't know how time runs in her little world that 40 minutes of talking is somehow 10 minutes; I have honest to God timed her before and she is generally back talking anywhere from 25 to 40 minutes or more), she's tired of all the double standards, and this, and that and *face palms, then bangs head repeatedly on desk*.
One of my FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUU moments was when I went to call my family doctor and get an appointment just to have my foot looked at. I called and asked for as late as possible appointment and I am told next Tuesday at 5:15. I can't do that and apparently that is the latest appointment they have for a while. What the fuck, man? Six freaking doctors and their hours are until like 8 almost every day. So now I still do not have an appointment with the doctor and I am going to lose my mind. The pain seems to have moved to just my big toe joint and I still only feel it once in a while, like if I attempt to do jumping jacks and even then, I might feel on the first or second jump and no more after that, or if I am coming down the stairs a certain way. It's not terrible, but it is annoying. But my foot just constantly feels like it needs to crack and I crack it and it relieves it temporarily and then I am back to where I started it.
I am just going nuts being a little more inactive than usual. I still am working out 5 days a week, but I am not getting up as much as I normally do and I am not dancing around like an idiot like I usually do. And it's depressing me not being as active. I love dancing. I suck at it, but it's so much fun. It makes me feel good. The first time I really listened to the lyrics of "Higher" by Taio Cruz- and we are all going to assume it is actually about dancing- I thought, wow, that is a perfect way to describe how I feel when I am dancing. I don't know what came over me at my sister's wedding, but it was a fantastic feeling. I was dancing, at times even being the only one on the dance floor, and I didn't give a fuck what anyone thought of me. And I was drop dead SOBER. I had not one ounce of alcohol, except for some champaggin at the toast. My mom said it made her happy to see me having fun and that made me happy that my happiness made someone else happy.
Try reading that one three times fast. It made me think of this.
I get my evaluation on Friday.
I was 4 pounds more this morning because my digestive system appears to not want to work again.
Sorry. I am feeling picturesque today. Ragey picturesque. I wrote many things today followed by a FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I am so annoyed with my digestive system and I am back to wanting to rip it out of my abdomen. I am starting to wonder if this always seems to occur during ovulation time. I am always going to start writing everything down, but I still haven't.
I want to believe that the 4 pound weight gain is due to my digestive system because while yes, I was bad the entire weekend, I doubt I ate 14,000 EXTRA calories on top of what I normally eat. Hell, I doubt I even ate anywhere near 14,000 calories altogether between the 4 days combined. And I did ramp up my exercise all of those days (45 minutes instead of 30). I hope it's only due to my digestive system wanting to misbehave, but I am still freaking out over it.
I am not looking forward to getting my evaluation. I like to believe I am a good worker. My attendence is pretty much perfect- never late, never left early (except with pre-approved PTO usage), only one call out (three if you count two days when it was much too hazardous to drive and we were under STATE OF EMERGENCIES). I have never been scolded for talking too much (and have never once received the infamous too much chit chatting emails, except when they were sent to the entire office). Am I going to be worthy of a raise? I have no idea. I hope so. For one, I have been there almost 2 years. Two, I am doing almost a completely different job (and pretty much everyone else's) than when I started. Even if I only get as much of a raise as I did last year, it would be nice. I'd like more, of course, but right now I will take what I can get.
I am also not looking forward to my WA getting her performance. Because I will have to hear about it nonstop. I am sure something will be said about her talking and then I am going to have to hear about how everyone else gets away with it, why shouldn't she, oh she never leaves her desk except for no more than 10 minutes at the end of the day (I don't know how time runs in her little world that 40 minutes of talking is somehow 10 minutes; I have honest to God timed her before and she is generally back talking anywhere from 25 to 40 minutes or more), she's tired of all the double standards, and this, and that and *face palms, then bangs head repeatedly on desk*.
One of my FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUU moments was when I went to call my family doctor and get an appointment just to have my foot looked at. I called and asked for as late as possible appointment and I am told next Tuesday at 5:15. I can't do that and apparently that is the latest appointment they have for a while. What the fuck, man? Six freaking doctors and their hours are until like 8 almost every day. So now I still do not have an appointment with the doctor and I am going to lose my mind. The pain seems to have moved to just my big toe joint and I still only feel it once in a while, like if I attempt to do jumping jacks and even then, I might feel on the first or second jump and no more after that, or if I am coming down the stairs a certain way. It's not terrible, but it is annoying. But my foot just constantly feels like it needs to crack and I crack it and it relieves it temporarily and then I am back to where I started it.
I am just going nuts being a little more inactive than usual. I still am working out 5 days a week, but I am not getting up as much as I normally do and I am not dancing around like an idiot like I usually do. And it's depressing me not being as active. I love dancing. I suck at it, but it's so much fun. It makes me feel good. The first time I really listened to the lyrics of "Higher" by Taio Cruz- and we are all going to assume it is actually about dancing- I thought, wow, that is a perfect way to describe how I feel when I am dancing. I don't know what came over me at my sister's wedding, but it was a fantastic feeling. I was dancing, at times even being the only one on the dance floor, and I didn't give a fuck what anyone thought of me. And I was drop dead SOBER. I had not one ounce of alcohol, except for some champaggin at the toast. My mom said it made her happy to see me having fun and that made me happy that my happiness made someone else happy.
Try reading that one three times fast. It made me think of this.
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