Can't believe it's time to go back to work already. Ugh. I dread going in to that big ass file earlier. God, I am such a frigging idiot taking that on. What the hell is wrong with me?
Because of my guilt complex, I decided to put my FWA back on my Facebook newsfeed and I am already ready to remove her again. She posted almost 40 pictures on Thanksgiving for her brat's first Thanksgiving and all the pictures basically were of the baby playing on the floor. Wow, how exciting. And then the next night she posted 52 pictures of the baby meeting her cousin. Fifty two pictures! And every day it's a whole bunch of pictures. She posts pictures constantly and they all look like the same crap- the baby playing on the floor. Besides her family, who the fuck cares?
And on Thanksgiving she posted some sappy post about how thankful she is for her family and went on some long string about the amazing man by her side. Oh yeah, he's so amazing. He hasn't worked in god knows how many years and pretty sure he wasn't working when he knocked her up, the whole time she was knocked up, and to this day. That's why I still have to laugh about that day she whined to me about when she tried to get WIC and how did they expect her to support 3 people on a $28,000 a year salary. Your irresponsibility is not WIC's problem, sweetie.
One day in work I heard her call the one who plays on her phone "Vee". Apparently, that is her nickname, because it's on her lunch bag as well. Christ, that is a terrible nickname. All I can think of is that god awful Summer's Eve slogan "hail to the V". I loathe that slogan.
I was watching Sex and the City on E! earlier and while I like watching it, although I swear the same few episodes are showing every time I put it on, I cannot stomach the commercials for the shows E! airs. Pretty sure Satan must have spawned that station with the trash they play.
I wanted to bitch some lady out at the market earlier. I loathe people that deliberately get into express lanes with a significant amount more items than the maximum allowed. My mom and I were in a 15 items or less lane at the market earlier and this bitch behind us must have had at least 30 items. I think it's real shit that the cashiers can't say anything in most, if not all, places. When people do shit like that, I want to stand at the end of the register with a megaphone and count each item loudly as it comes down the belt and at the end, yell "congratulations! You had [number of items] in a [number of items] or less lane!".
I'm feeling blah that Thanksgiving is already over and Christmas is on its way. I realized a couple of posts I wrote that I love the holidays despite numerous past posts bitching about how much I hate the holidays. I do like the holidays themselves; it's just everything else that makes me dislike them. And having such bad depression problems doesn't help. It sucks the joy out of everything. Sometimes I don't think I truly realize how much joy my mental problems are taking out of life, although the fact that I am starting to not enjoy anything is making me more aware of it.
And That Thing coming back is zapping a giant amount of pleasure and enjoyment in anything. All I want, aside from it TO GO THE HELL AWAY, is for someone to explain to me why I would want this. Why someone would want 2 perfectly functioning body parts to no longer work, because I sure as hell don't know why. And "because you're nuts" is neither a logical nor legitimate reason. And it's not very nice. Plus, I am pretty sure I am well aware of that fact.
I have also been so damn cranky since I woke up yesterday morning and I don't
even know why, except maybe the start of PMS. I'm on day 24, so it should probably be about that time. That is, assuming it comes around the normal time it does. Unless it comes earlier. Or later. Or not at all.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Weird
Was just reading an article on a drone capturing images of Pripyat, Chernobyl and I had my music on and wasn't really paying attention to what was on and then I stopped and did so and realized I was listening to "Radioactive". How oddly appropriate.
Those pictures are haunting as hell.
ETA 1:34: You know what? Looking at those pictures and then reading up on Pripyat and the Chernobyl disaster at this time of the night was not a good idea.
Those pictures are haunting as hell.
ETA 1:34: You know what? Looking at those pictures and then reading up on Pripyat and the Chernobyl disaster at this time of the night was not a good idea.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Random Thoughts
My 4 day break is already almost half over. Disgusting. And I have a nice almost 2 inch chart waiting for me to work on come Monday. What the hell was I thinking taking that on? I'll tell you what it was- it was guilt. Guilt over my FWA and the other worker having to work on the bigger charts while my boss assigned me the smaller ones. Damn me and my stupid guilt complex.
And Friday is our luncheon. I want to smack my boss for changing the date.
I love the holidays, but I am starting to really resent them. Why? My brother-in-law. I don't even know why he bothers coming to anything. He's miserable and obnoxiously rude and if he isn't playing on his phone or staring at everyone with this nasty look on his face or talking obnoxiously to my sister, he is sleeping on the couch. Every fucking holiday. Or pretty much anytime he is over, he sleeps. And not a subtle sleep- I am talking sprawled out on the couch, head back, mouth wide open, and snoring. I don't know how in the hell my sister isn't embarrassed by him.
And then the way he stares at everyone. Like he is completely disgusted by everyone. I feel like turning to him one day and saying "look, buddy, last time I checked no one forced you to marry in to this family; you chose to. So either start respecting your in-laws who are constantly bending over backwards for you and your kid or get the fuck out already".
Sometimes I really wish I could just go away somewhere forever.
And Friday is our luncheon. I want to smack my boss for changing the date.
I love the holidays, but I am starting to really resent them. Why? My brother-in-law. I don't even know why he bothers coming to anything. He's miserable and obnoxiously rude and if he isn't playing on his phone or staring at everyone with this nasty look on his face or talking obnoxiously to my sister, he is sleeping on the couch. Every fucking holiday. Or pretty much anytime he is over, he sleeps. And not a subtle sleep- I am talking sprawled out on the couch, head back, mouth wide open, and snoring. I don't know how in the hell my sister isn't embarrassed by him.
And then the way he stares at everyone. Like he is completely disgusted by everyone. I feel like turning to him one day and saying "look, buddy, last time I checked no one forced you to marry in to this family; you chose to. So either start respecting your in-laws who are constantly bending over backwards for you and your kid or get the fuck out already".
Sometimes I really wish I could just go away somewhere forever.
The Headline Of The Day
Police: Pa. man stabbed for eating Thanksgiving dinner early
Seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction, eh?
It's a different scenario of "eating early", but it pisses me the hell off when people eat before everyone else has gotten their food. Every Thanksgiving my father and my grandfather get their food and sit down and start eating right away. Before anyone else has even gotten their food and sat down. Or said grace. Like JFC, you can't wait 5 minutes to stuff your fucking gullet?
Thanksgiving is really starting to piss me off.
As are people acting like greedy pigs on Black Friday:
Tussle over TV at Walmart caught on camera
Seems like a perfectly reasonable reaction, eh?
It's a different scenario of "eating early", but it pisses me the hell off when people eat before everyone else has gotten their food. Every Thanksgiving my father and my grandfather get their food and sit down and start eating right away. Before anyone else has even gotten their food and sat down. Or said grace. Like JFC, you can't wait 5 minutes to stuff your fucking gullet?
Thanksgiving is really starting to piss me off.
As are people acting like greedy pigs on Black Friday:
Tussle over TV at Walmart caught on camera
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Good God
My nephew is screaming so ungodly right now. SHOOT ME NOW. And my fat lazy brother-in-law is just sitting and playing on his phone.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
*Pure Bliss*
I am pretty sure I have listened to "Siberian Breaks" at least 1,500 times by now. How is that I still manage to be so amazed by it each and every time I listen to it?
Random Thoughts
Two days down. We're doing good so far. God, I need this break so bad!
I still laugh about my FWA coming in late the other day because she didn't get enough sleep. I hate to be one of those OMG my problems are worse types, but look at how many nights I barely got any sleep, if any at all and I drug my ass into work ON TIME (something she probably couldn't do even if she had 20 hours of sleep)? Hell, I still managed to do it even during the period when I had the insomnia from hell for well over a week. Sure, it was rough, but I still did it.
That bout of insomnia was terrible. I started to worry that at some point I was going to start resembling Timmy Turner in that episode of the Oddparents when he wishes no one needed sleep. I hope I never have to go through a bout like that ever again.
I still laugh about my FWA coming in late the other day because she didn't get enough sleep. I hate to be one of those OMG my problems are worse types, but look at how many nights I barely got any sleep, if any at all and I drug my ass into work ON TIME (something she probably couldn't do even if she had 20 hours of sleep)? Hell, I still managed to do it even during the period when I had the insomnia from hell for well over a week. Sure, it was rough, but I still did it.
That bout of insomnia was terrible. I started to worry that at some point I was going to start resembling Timmy Turner in that episode of the Oddparents when he wishes no one needed sleep. I hope I never have to go through a bout like that ever again.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Random Thoughts
One day down. In the end today wasn't too terrible. It started off shitty. My FWA decided she couldn't come in her normal time because the baby kept her up so she didn't come in until lunchtime. I was working on 2 charts and when it was getting close to my lunch time I started to feel really overwhelmed that I wasn't going to be able to finish my work before I left and I came very close to having a panic attack. Luckily I didn't have a panic attack and I managed to finish both of the charts before I left for the day. I am kind of kicking myself in the ass for not staying a little later, though. Not like I have anything better to do.
When I was getting ready for work this morning, I decided to take an Ativan. I think it kept me somewhat in check most of the day, minus the time when I wanted to freak out.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the 3 of us will be able to get everything done by the end of Wednesday. Good god I hope so. I so badly need this 4 day weekend.
I am so nauseous right now and am having some bleeding. Yuck. I feel lousy. The whole drive home from work, I had the weirdest pain right above my groin area. And then had the bleeding later. I wonder if it's that mittelschmerz or whatever it's called. That is, assuming I am ovulating. Or I could have another cyst. Who in the hell knows what's going on with my women parts?
Sometimes I wonder if my hormones are pissed off because I have never been sexually active.
When I was getting ready for work this morning, I decided to take an Ativan. I think it kept me somewhat in check most of the day, minus the time when I wanted to freak out.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that the 3 of us will be able to get everything done by the end of Wednesday. Good god I hope so. I so badly need this 4 day weekend.
I am so nauseous right now and am having some bleeding. Yuck. I feel lousy. The whole drive home from work, I had the weirdest pain right above my groin area. And then had the bleeding later. I wonder if it's that mittelschmerz or whatever it's called. That is, assuming I am ovulating. Or I could have another cyst. Who in the hell knows what's going on with my women parts?
Sometimes I wonder if my hormones are pissed off because I have never been sexually active.
Blech
Good god, I do not want to go back to work. I wish by some miracle one of our doctors would cancel one of his days. But we would never be that lucky, would we?
My mom just got pissed at me and stormed off to bed.
That Thing
It's times like right now that I wish I would get the guts to do myself in already. I'm done with this whole life thing.
My mom just got pissed at me and stormed off to bed.
That Thing
It's times like right now that I wish I would get the guts to do myself in already. I'm done with this whole life thing.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Song Of The Day
After watching their AMA performance, I have finally decided I really fucking love this song:
Random Thoughts
Ugh, I am dreading going back to work. I don't know how I am ever going to get any work done in the proper amount of time. Why do I have to be so fucking slow with my work? And why do so many of our impending examinees all have such ENORMOUS charts? And why does the bitchy at home worker have to be on vacation NOW? To be fair, I am sure her vacation was approved long ago, so I can't fault her for being out when we suddenly get slammed with a lot of work. No, rather it's the fact that we have all been told that 1) we can't take more than 5 consecutive days and 2) we can't take vacation at the end of the month. Why the fuck did she get approved for this vacation? I was given a hard time for 3 lousy days that were 1) not at a time when work was backed up and 2) not at the end of the month. What the hell?
And the thing that is eating at me the most is how paranoid I am feeling over what my coworkers are probably saying about me. Why can't I just not give a shit?
Back when I first started, I remember doing a chart for a guy who had been paralyzed in a car accident and of course at the time That Thing had gone away, so I didn't think much about it. The only thing I remember thinking is for such a serious injury, I wonder why this guy doesn't have more medical records than this. Well, he is coming back and is on schedule for this week. And finally more medical records came through. It will be tough for me if I get stuck having to do it, because it will take me forever to do it because I am going to want to read every last single detail of the records. Unfortunately, I doubt "conflict of interest to my psyche" will fly as an excuse to get out of doing it. I'll do it, of course, if it's given to me, and I'll just have to do everything in my power to stick with what I need to read so I can get it done ASAP.
And reading through what I have, again I have to ask myself, why the fuck would I ever want this? Reading through what happens to your body after it happens (particularly to your bladder and intestines) and the complications that can occur, plus there is the whole not being able to walk part, who on earth would ever want something like that? I was on the Merck Manual Home Edition website on Friday night and I somehow ended up in the Fundamentals section and I saw a link for "Rehabilitation After a Spinal Injury" and I tried to resist clicking on it, but I eventually gave in and I felt so depressed after reading it, it hurt. I don't understand my brain.
And the thing that is eating at me the most is how paranoid I am feeling over what my coworkers are probably saying about me. Why can't I just not give a shit?
Back when I first started, I remember doing a chart for a guy who had been paralyzed in a car accident and of course at the time That Thing had gone away, so I didn't think much about it. The only thing I remember thinking is for such a serious injury, I wonder why this guy doesn't have more medical records than this. Well, he is coming back and is on schedule for this week. And finally more medical records came through. It will be tough for me if I get stuck having to do it, because it will take me forever to do it because I am going to want to read every last single detail of the records. Unfortunately, I doubt "conflict of interest to my psyche" will fly as an excuse to get out of doing it. I'll do it, of course, if it's given to me, and I'll just have to do everything in my power to stick with what I need to read so I can get it done ASAP.
And reading through what I have, again I have to ask myself, why the fuck would I ever want this? Reading through what happens to your body after it happens (particularly to your bladder and intestines) and the complications that can occur, plus there is the whole not being able to walk part, who on earth would ever want something like that? I was on the Merck Manual Home Edition website on Friday night and I somehow ended up in the Fundamentals section and I saw a link for "Rehabilitation After a Spinal Injury" and I tried to resist clicking on it, but I eventually gave in and I felt so depressed after reading it, it hurt. I don't understand my brain.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Quote Of The Day
From "Max Jets":
Waitress: So, have you decided?
Francine: Um, I see it says kids eat free? Does that include kids at heart?
Waitress: Yes, it does.
Thanks A Lot, Mainstream Radio
I heard "Take Me To Church" earlier on Mix 106.1. It has officially jumped the shark. You know what the funny thing is, though? Whenever it pops up on my iTunes playlist, I will listen to it, yet I want to scream whenever I hear it on the radio.
Also, every time I see someone use the term "bae", I want to to shank them.
Also, every time I see someone use the term "bae", I want to to shank them.
Random Thoughts
Good god, work SUCKS so much right now! I am too damn slow to have to work at a fast pace, especially on such big ass files. I have never felt so damn inadequate as I do right now! I am already so damn stressed out about Monday and this whole upcoming week and I am worried that they're going to try to take part of our Thanksgiving break away from us. After all of the overtime I have been putting in, and will probably be putting in, I desperately need this break.
And to add more to my stress levels, I have been very crampy this week, especially in my right side towards the hip area. Sometimes it's across the whole lower abdomen, sometimes it's across the whole lower back, sometimes both, sometimes it's just in the lower left side, and many times it spreads down my thighs. Right now it's on the right side right above my hip bone and spreading to the side and around the back. I wish I could describe the pain better, but all I can describe it as is similar to menstrual cramps. And again, it's not a terrible pain, but it is very uncomfortable. And when it gets maximum uncomfortable, I feel like I am just going to start bleeding any second.
And I have been having brown spotting since Tuesday. And- don't continue reading if you don't like TMI and/or are squeamish- a few times I have wiped in the bathroom and gotten these sticky blobs that resemble- I'm sorry for the description- chocolate pudding. A few times there has been blood. What the fuck is going on with my women parts? At this point, I am ready to tell a doctor to take my fucking uterus already. Yes, I am well aware I would be thrown into one of my biggest fears right now, menopause, but it's one thing if I CHOOSE to enter menopause. It's a whole other story if my body decides to enter it on its own accord at the wrong time.
I tried to figure out what exactly it is about menopause that terrifies me so much and I don't really know why it does. I am completely baffled what it is. The only thing I can think is that I would somehow blame myself for it happening, that I did something to bring it on (my diet, etc). I also felt the same way about Addison's disease, but I have also [shamefully] admitted that I was afraid of having it because I didn't want to have to take steroids and get fat.
Ugh, I need to go to bed. My eyes and I are exhausted.
And to add more to my stress levels, I have been very crampy this week, especially in my right side towards the hip area. Sometimes it's across the whole lower abdomen, sometimes it's across the whole lower back, sometimes both, sometimes it's just in the lower left side, and many times it spreads down my thighs. Right now it's on the right side right above my hip bone and spreading to the side and around the back. I wish I could describe the pain better, but all I can describe it as is similar to menstrual cramps. And again, it's not a terrible pain, but it is very uncomfortable. And when it gets maximum uncomfortable, I feel like I am just going to start bleeding any second.
And I have been having brown spotting since Tuesday. And- don't continue reading if you don't like TMI and/or are squeamish- a few times I have wiped in the bathroom and gotten these sticky blobs that resemble- I'm sorry for the description- chocolate pudding. A few times there has been blood. What the fuck is going on with my women parts? At this point, I am ready to tell a doctor to take my fucking uterus already. Yes, I am well aware I would be thrown into one of my biggest fears right now, menopause, but it's one thing if I CHOOSE to enter menopause. It's a whole other story if my body decides to enter it on its own accord at the wrong time.
I tried to figure out what exactly it is about menopause that terrifies me so much and I don't really know why it does. I am completely baffled what it is. The only thing I can think is that I would somehow blame myself for it happening, that I did something to bring it on (my diet, etc). I also felt the same way about Addison's disease, but I have also [shamefully] admitted that I was afraid of having it because I didn't want to have to take steroids and get fat.
Ugh, I need to go to bed. My eyes and I are exhausted.
Friday, November 21, 2014
LOLOLOLOLOL
Watching Sex and the City right now and Samantha is throwing herself a I don't have a baby shower. I should totally throw myself one of those.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
The Hell Radio 104.5?!
First off, let me start by saying I adore Radio 104.5. There is the most important reason why- if it was not for 104, I probably never would have discovered who MGMT is. They are the only station in my area who plays them. It also has the most amazing playlist in existence on the radio.
The problem is, they only play a fraction of that amazing playlist. I have discovered some absolutely incredible songs on their new music show on Sunday nights ("Red Eyes" by the War on Drugs, "Diamonds", by the Boxer Rebellion, "You Haunt Me" by Sir Sly, "Think Of You" by MS MR, "Recover" by CHVRCHES, etc) and yet I never hear any of those songs on their regular line up. No, instead I hear the same damn songs all the time. "Take Me To Church" and "Riptide" several times a day. Oasis constantly. "Brain Stew" by Green Day. That fucking "My Own Worst Enemy" song. I'm sorry, can I beat the dead horse enough on how much I LOATHE that song? Only a smidgen more than that Rise Against song, the one about living on front porches and swinging like the wind and getting by on minimum wage. Yeah. Okay. Good luck with that.
And then there are songs they play for a while and then suddenly never ever hear again- "You Are A Tourist" by Death Cab, "Letters From The Sky" by Civil Twilight, "If I Had A Gun" by Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds, "Panic Station" by Muse, "We Used To Wait" and "Ready To Start" by Arcade Fire are just some examples from back in the day. And most recently they abruptly stopped playing "Bad Blood" by Bastille, "Guns for Hands" by twenty one pilots, anything by KONGOS, "Gold" by Sir Sly....there's others but I can't think of them at the moment. All really good songs that just disappeared out of nowhere one day. I don't understand why.
And one of the most offensive things is how the only MGMT songs they have played for years were "Kids" and "Time to Pretend". Then suddenly one day someone must have decided hey we should play something else by MGMT and despite having 3 fucking albums, they pull something off of Oracular Spectacular again. I love "Electric Feel" to death, but they couldn't have picked "It's Working" or- I'm really pushing it here- "Alien Days" or something off of the latter 2 albums?
ETA 11/22: "Undisclosed Desires" by Muse, "Monster" by Paramore, and "Coming Of Age" by Foster the People are other ones they just abruptly stopped playing. I am also trying to remember if they ever used to play "Called Out In The Dark" by Snow Patrol, but I can't remember, but if they did, they stopped playing that as well. And I want to say "The High Road" by Broken Bells as well, but I think every once in a blue moon they still play it.
9:42PM: And the list continues on...."Jump Into The Fog" by the Wombats, "Love Love Love" by Of Monsters and Men, "Carried Away" by Passion Pit, "Hell and Back" by the Airborne Toxic Event, "The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Giants" by Bear Hands, "My Sweet Summer" by Dirty Heads
The problem is, they only play a fraction of that amazing playlist. I have discovered some absolutely incredible songs on their new music show on Sunday nights ("Red Eyes" by the War on Drugs, "Diamonds", by the Boxer Rebellion, "You Haunt Me" by Sir Sly, "Think Of You" by MS MR, "Recover" by CHVRCHES, etc) and yet I never hear any of those songs on their regular line up. No, instead I hear the same damn songs all the time. "Take Me To Church" and "Riptide" several times a day. Oasis constantly. "Brain Stew" by Green Day. That fucking "My Own Worst Enemy" song. I'm sorry, can I beat the dead horse enough on how much I LOATHE that song? Only a smidgen more than that Rise Against song, the one about living on front porches and swinging like the wind and getting by on minimum wage. Yeah. Okay. Good luck with that.
And then there are songs they play for a while and then suddenly never ever hear again- "You Are A Tourist" by Death Cab, "Letters From The Sky" by Civil Twilight, "If I Had A Gun" by Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds, "Panic Station" by Muse, "We Used To Wait" and "Ready To Start" by Arcade Fire are just some examples from back in the day. And most recently they abruptly stopped playing "Bad Blood" by Bastille, "Guns for Hands" by twenty one pilots, anything by KONGOS, "Gold" by Sir Sly....there's others but I can't think of them at the moment. All really good songs that just disappeared out of nowhere one day. I don't understand why.
And one of the most offensive things is how the only MGMT songs they have played for years were "Kids" and "Time to Pretend". Then suddenly one day someone must have decided hey we should play something else by MGMT and despite having 3 fucking albums, they pull something off of Oracular Spectacular again. I love "Electric Feel" to death, but they couldn't have picked "It's Working" or- I'm really pushing it here- "Alien Days" or something off of the latter 2 albums?
ETA 11/22: "Undisclosed Desires" by Muse, "Monster" by Paramore, and "Coming Of Age" by Foster the People are other ones they just abruptly stopped playing. I am also trying to remember if they ever used to play "Called Out In The Dark" by Snow Patrol, but I can't remember, but if they did, they stopped playing that as well. And I want to say "The High Road" by Broken Bells as well, but I think every once in a blue moon they still play it.
9:42PM: And the list continues on...."Jump Into The Fog" by the Wombats, "Love Love Love" by Of Monsters and Men, "Carried Away" by Passion Pit, "Hell and Back" by the Airborne Toxic Event, "The Adventures Of Rain Dance Maggie" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Giants" by Bear Hands, "My Sweet Summer" by Dirty Heads
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Fuck This
I have had it with these women problems. I have had it with the nausea, with feeling like my women parts are burning, with the spotting, with the bloating and alternating diarrhea and constipation (I don't doubt my hormones are involved in that), and most of all, I have had it with doctors not trying to find out what is going on and just pushing birth control on me. At this point, I am almost afraid to find out what my insides look like.
I am only on day 12 of my cycle and I am sick with worry that it is going to come early. I had to come home and exercise after work and just as I predicted, I had a little spotting later. I don't know what it is about coming home from work and exercising that brings on spotting, although last month I didn't have to come home and exercise any day and not only did I still spot, but it was worse than ever. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to have spotting like that again. That spotting episode has really shaken me up. And right now my lower left side is burning and I am so nauseous. The weird thing is, I am nauseous all the way up until my period comes, then it goes away, then my period goes away and the nausea comes back in. What is it about my period that gets rid of it? Because estrogen is at its lowest?
And then we get an email today asking for overtime all the way until December 5th. Because the bitchy at home worker is going to be on vacation from this Friday until December 5th. Which is pretty funny because we have all been told we can't take more than a week at a time and it cannot be at the end of the month. And what was even funnier was listening to my FWA rant about how people get special privileges. I never wanted to bitch slap her more than I did at that moment.
I am only on day 12 of my cycle and I am sick with worry that it is going to come early. I had to come home and exercise after work and just as I predicted, I had a little spotting later. I don't know what it is about coming home from work and exercising that brings on spotting, although last month I didn't have to come home and exercise any day and not only did I still spot, but it was worse than ever. I am absolutely terrified that I am going to have spotting like that again. That spotting episode has really shaken me up. And right now my lower left side is burning and I am so nauseous. The weird thing is, I am nauseous all the way up until my period comes, then it goes away, then my period goes away and the nausea comes back in. What is it about my period that gets rid of it? Because estrogen is at its lowest?
And then we get an email today asking for overtime all the way until December 5th. Because the bitchy at home worker is going to be on vacation from this Friday until December 5th. Which is pretty funny because we have all been told we can't take more than a week at a time and it cannot be at the end of the month. And what was even funnier was listening to my FWA rant about how people get special privileges. I never wanted to bitch slap her more than I did at that moment.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Ugh
I am dreading going to sleep. That I will wake up early and not be able to fall back asleep. That I will wake up warm. That I will not sleep at all.
I can't deal with this every night.
I can't deal with this every night.
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Random Thoughts
As if I didn't need any more proof that the influx of new ONTDers were delusional wack jobs, one day someone posted an article about musician I have never heard of stealing the bassline from "Electric Feel". Here is one genius comment:
Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.
God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.
And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.
And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!
And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.
I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.
I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.
And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.
Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.
And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.
Worst song to ever happen to music? Are you for real? Even if I wasn't a hardcore MGMT stan, I still would not call it the worst song to ever happen to music. Just look at the Billboard charts and you can find plenty of songs on there that are just downright awful.
God, there are some stupid people on that site anymore.
And yes, I still stan hard for MGMT. I know I haven't discussed them much lately, but oh damn do I still adore them. I can't believe it's already been almost 1 year since I saw them last. I NEED TO SEE THEM AGAIN. My crush on Andrew has kind of cooled down. Don't get me wrong- I still think he is flawless as hell and I would marry him in a heartbeat and have a million babies with him (maybe), but he's moved from being the king of my celebrity crushes to the hall of celebrities I will eternally love (although frankly I find labeling him a celebrity to be insulting). The throne is pretty much open, although I have to say I have kind of developed a fascination with that Simon guy (from Kuroma). He's hot. You want to talk guys with strange hair? There you go. It's more normal looking now, but still pretty out there. Normally I wouldn't care for guys who bleach their hair, but for some reason or another, it works for him. Also, I wish I could find the link again (too lazy to look for it again) but there is a picture of him and Andrew and apparently they have matching tattoos. I....I don't know what to think of that.
And speaking of MGMT, fan pictures are posted a lot on that one Tartlr page I follow and I always have to laugh at how the girls in the pictures are always like "me and Andrew (or whichever band member) tee hee me looking all ugly tee hee". Aw, does someone need validation? Ugh, it's so annoying. Sure, I say I am ugly all of the time, but I genuinely mean it. I genuinely think I am hideous and no amount of reassurance from others can change my mind. These bitches just want all of their little Tartlr friends to rush in and say omg you SOOOOO don't look ugly!
And going back to stupid people, back when I first started back at my workplace, my manager told me that she'll generally allow us to go to appointments and if we're not using PTO, then we can take it unpaid as long as it is under 4 hours and we have a doctor's notes. And then she went on to tell me how notes weren't previously necessary but one day they found out an employee was leaving and saying she was going to a doctor's appointment, but was actually going to get her nails done. And I don't know how I didn't suspect it at the time, but I ended up finding out from one of my coworkers that the employee going to get her nails done was none other than my FWA. She really is one brazen bitch, isn't she? And the fact that she knowingly lied and was basically found out and is still there will forever boggle my mind. I am starting to feel like she could come in and shoot up the place and she would still have a job afterwards.
I finally decided on days to take off one night and the next day I went in with my list and when I opened my email, there was a message about our holiday luncheon and it was for one of the days I planned to take off. To say I was ecstatic is an understatement. When I gave my boss the dates she was all disappointed that I wanted off the date of the party and then started questioning why she even planned it for that day. I kept hinting that it wasn't a big deal. Not even 5 minutes after I left the office, we get an email that the date was changed. So now I am still stuck having to attend. I felt like upending my desk and screaming every curse word under the sun.
I just pure dread going into work now. I am so damn stressed out and it's affecting my work and now I am getting stressed because I don't feel I am pulling my weight, which in turn is making me even more stressed and affecting my work even more. It's a never ending cycle.
And speaking of stress and cycles, earlier I went to do something and leaned on my breasts and they hurt. And I have felt crampy in my lower back and thighs all day. Not to mention I have had episodes of dizziness, nausea, and some other not so pleasant things and now I am in panic overdrive that my period is going to come early, as these are symptoms I typically experience before it comes. Plus yesterday my heart was doing that thing where it feels like it stops, then starts up with a bang- another thing I sometimes experience before it comes. I have never so badly needed to talk to a doctor as I do now. My mind is so consumed over perimenopause that I could probably have a cancerous lump growing out of my head or my left arm ripped off and I wouldn't even notice. I am beyond desperate to know what is going on, although at this point, if it's something that could potentially be deadly, I really couldn't care.
Like I have said before, I can't imagine how awful someone must be feeling when they actually attempt suicide. I feel so horrible and I still can't bring myself to actually attempting it. Or even coming up with a plan for that matter. I can't even imagine feeling lower than I already do. I just think about death all of the damn time. I go out for a 10 minute walk during work and every time I walk along side the road, I think gee, what would happen if I were to throw myself in front of a car? That evil part of my brain practically has a boner if a tractor trailer is coming. Every time I see Christmas stuff I just want to cry. I can't stand how awful I feel. It's insufferable.
And going back to the 10 minute walk part, I briefly wondered if the fact that I started walking more if that is why I had that bizarre lengthy episode of spotting and I thought, JFC what am I supposed to do? Stop walking? Not something I should really be asking myself right now, eh? Also, quite a few times I have hurt my back and my mom always says "you need to watch out with back problems; you don't want to end up paralyzed or something". Oh Mom, if you only knew.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Quote Of The Day
From "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven":
[Stewie's bedroom, the entire cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" are standing on his transporter pad, with Stewie standing beside the transporter controls, exhausted]
Stewie Griffin: [To the cast] This...was...exhausting. This whole experience, was absolutely...exhausting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me, you are absolutely, the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with, I hope you all fucking die.
Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the Carnival.
Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets. We've been over this!
Patrick Stewart: Well, but, LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.
Stewie Griffin: Oh yeah? You gonna share that?
LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.
Stewie Griffin: Really? How's that gonna work?
Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
Stewie Griffin: For a pencil-topper?!
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Good God Part 2
I slept pretty bad last night. Come to think of it, I am not sure if I slept at all. I didn't sleep too hot Saturday and Sunday night either. I feel like crap. I laid in bed and cried at 6:15 because I didn't want to get up. I cried the whole time I was on my bike. I finally said it fuck it and took an Ativan before I left for work. I was worried that between the lack of sleep and the Ativan, I would be face-planting my keyboard at some point during the day, but I did okay. I honestly don't think I would have made it through the day if it weren't for the Ativan.
But as usual good things must come to end and sometime after dinner, I started to feel agitated again. Right now I am very anxious and my heart won't stop racing and I am half tempted to get in my car and go to the ER. Why? I don't know. I just want someone to talk to and who can maybe talk some sense into me. I desperately need someone to talk to right now.
I am still having a little bit of blood every time I go to the bathroom and of course I have myself all stressed over how long is that going to occur and I am stressed because I am having nausea again. I am stressed because I have a headache. I am stressed over how stressed and anxious I feel and I am stressed over how I have all of these symptoms worsen or only occur around the middle of my cycle and around the time of my period. I feel like I am about to lose my mind.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY BODY.
But as usual good things must come to end and sometime after dinner, I started to feel agitated again. Right now I am very anxious and my heart won't stop racing and I am half tempted to get in my car and go to the ER. Why? I don't know. I just want someone to talk to and who can maybe talk some sense into me. I desperately need someone to talk to right now.
I am still having a little bit of blood every time I go to the bathroom and of course I have myself all stressed over how long is that going to occur and I am stressed because I am having nausea again. I am stressed because I have a headache. I am stressed over how stressed and anxious I feel and I am stressed over how I have all of these symptoms worsen or only occur around the middle of my cycle and around the time of my period. I feel like I am about to lose my mind.
I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY BODY.
Good God
I don't understand why the impending holiday season is getting to me so bad this year. I don't even remember feeling this bad back when I was laid off from my job AND dealing with the Addison's fear at the same time. I saw my favorite Hershey Kisses Christmas commercial this morning and was about to burst into tears. Everytime I see anything Christmas, I just want to break down into tears. And of course all I keep thinking is it is all because of my hormones and just another sign of perimenopause.
I never thought something could come so close to breaking me as the Addison's fear did. Well, I think I found its rival, along with That Thing. I honestly feel like any day now it is going to happen, that they're both going to get to me so bad one day that I will just come apart.
I need to go listen to "Siberian Breaks". I don't listen to that song nearly enough.
I never thought something could come so close to breaking me as the Addison's fear did. Well, I think I found its rival, along with That Thing. I honestly feel like any day now it is going to happen, that they're both going to get to me so bad one day that I will just come apart.
I need to go listen to "Siberian Breaks". I don't listen to that song nearly enough.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Random Thoughts
I keep seeing all of these parodies popping up on the internet of that "10 hours of walking in NYC as a woman" video. I am so glad people find it so fucking funny for a woman to be treated that way. I wonder how the men making all of these parodies would feel if it was their own female flesh and blood in that video. I bet they would be real thrilled.
Also, I am sick of seeing that "Ebola nurse". I thought we were finally done having to hear any more of her incessant whining, but then my local news talked about her last night. Bitch, you worked with Ebola patients. Stop whining and sit the fuck down already.
Last night I was in Target and I was looking at ice cream and I saw pumpkin pie ice cream (Market Pantry brand) and it was not only just 130 calories for a half cup, but it also said it had pie crust pieces in it, so I decided to buy it. Oh my god it is SO GOOD. Almost like a pumpkin pie Blizzard.
Friday night I must have been really tired, because I could barely stay awake past 1:30AM and except for waking up once to pee, I slept until 11:45AM. I haven't slept that late in a long time. And I was pissed because I missed Sea Rescue. And yet somehow I was still very tired all Saturday. I was also so damn moody and depressed yesterday I couldn't stand it. And then going out and seeing all of the Christmas decorations everywhere only made me feel worse. It would be nice if one goddamn Christmas season I could feel pleasant and not like wanting to end everything.
I couldn't even feel pleasant last week at Apple Fest. I felt miserable and depressed then, too. I am so damn tired of it. I just want to feel happy for once. Not that I even deserve to.
And speaking of Peddler's, every time I am in the Pine Wreath & Candle store, I always think of that time I was in there and heard "A Song Can Change Your Life" for the first time. I have been listening to that song a lot lately again. There is something about the line "we start to see the end of endless nights" that always gets to me. I don't really know why.
I feel like since That Thing came back into my life, I have been seeing a lot more stories in the news about paralysis. It might just be me paying more attention to it and there really aren't more stories, but either way you look at it, it's getting on my last nerve. I was doing a report on Friday and I came across the term "dermatomes", a term I have never heard, so I googled it. Not a term I needed to come across. Not that we see a lot of injuries like that (I think of the 3 years I have worked for that company, I have only seen maybe 3 cases at the most), but honestly, working in orthopedics is not a good thing for me, because it kind of just fuels the fire in that it gives me more access and opportunity to research this stuff. If I have an orthopedic website opened on my computer, I doubt anyone will really question it, because I do need to research stuff often.
I haven't done any research on spinal injuries lately, but I can't tell you how hard and torturous it is to resist doing it. I finally had to clear out both of my browser histories to make it less easy to access the information. Of course I can still go back to the websites and read up on it, but it's easier to resist when it's not right there in your browser history to bring up. It's very hard to resist though. Like having head to toe poison ivy and not being allowed to scratch it. Not that I have ever had poison ivy to know just how itchy it is, but you get the drift.
And going back to the abasiophiliac thing, one thing I always wonder is, how exactly do disabled people actually feel about it? Is it flattering? Offensive? I am guessing if I polled people, it would probably go both ways. If I had someone tell me they were attracted to my mental issues, I am not sure how I would feel about it. I don't think I would feel offended, but I also don't think I would feel too flattered, either. Probably more shocked, if anything. And maybe a little creeped out.
Also, I am sick of seeing that "Ebola nurse". I thought we were finally done having to hear any more of her incessant whining, but then my local news talked about her last night. Bitch, you worked with Ebola patients. Stop whining and sit the fuck down already.
Last night I was in Target and I was looking at ice cream and I saw pumpkin pie ice cream (Market Pantry brand) and it was not only just 130 calories for a half cup, but it also said it had pie crust pieces in it, so I decided to buy it. Oh my god it is SO GOOD. Almost like a pumpkin pie Blizzard.
Friday night I must have been really tired, because I could barely stay awake past 1:30AM and except for waking up once to pee, I slept until 11:45AM. I haven't slept that late in a long time. And I was pissed because I missed Sea Rescue. And yet somehow I was still very tired all Saturday. I was also so damn moody and depressed yesterday I couldn't stand it. And then going out and seeing all of the Christmas decorations everywhere only made me feel worse. It would be nice if one goddamn Christmas season I could feel pleasant and not like wanting to end everything.
I couldn't even feel pleasant last week at Apple Fest. I felt miserable and depressed then, too. I am so damn tired of it. I just want to feel happy for once. Not that I even deserve to.
And speaking of Peddler's, every time I am in the Pine Wreath & Candle store, I always think of that time I was in there and heard "A Song Can Change Your Life" for the first time. I have been listening to that song a lot lately again. There is something about the line "we start to see the end of endless nights" that always gets to me. I don't really know why.
I feel like since That Thing came back into my life, I have been seeing a lot more stories in the news about paralysis. It might just be me paying more attention to it and there really aren't more stories, but either way you look at it, it's getting on my last nerve. I was doing a report on Friday and I came across the term "dermatomes", a term I have never heard, so I googled it. Not a term I needed to come across. Not that we see a lot of injuries like that (I think of the 3 years I have worked for that company, I have only seen maybe 3 cases at the most), but honestly, working in orthopedics is not a good thing for me, because it kind of just fuels the fire in that it gives me more access and opportunity to research this stuff. If I have an orthopedic website opened on my computer, I doubt anyone will really question it, because I do need to research stuff often.
I haven't done any research on spinal injuries lately, but I can't tell you how hard and torturous it is to resist doing it. I finally had to clear out both of my browser histories to make it less easy to access the information. Of course I can still go back to the websites and read up on it, but it's easier to resist when it's not right there in your browser history to bring up. It's very hard to resist though. Like having head to toe poison ivy and not being allowed to scratch it. Not that I have ever had poison ivy to know just how itchy it is, but you get the drift.
And going back to the abasiophiliac thing, one thing I always wonder is, how exactly do disabled people actually feel about it? Is it flattering? Offensive? I am guessing if I polled people, it would probably go both ways. If I had someone tell me they were attracted to my mental issues, I am not sure how I would feel about it. I don't think I would feel offended, but I also don't think I would feel too flattered, either. Probably more shocked, if anything. And maybe a little creeped out.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Random Thoughts
I am addicted to Breyer's peppermint cookie ice cream. At first I wasn't sure if I liked it, but the more times I ate it, the more I liked it. Despite the fact that the cookie pieces have a less than appealing look to them, they're really freaking good. I so need to get another carton of it.
I am such a freaking basket case right now and all I keep thinking is my hormones are out of whack, which is making me even worse of a basket case. Not to mention my nose is super dry, my throat is super dry and sore, and my eyes are off and on dry. I have had vertigo all day. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, I feel like I am having trouble breathing, and my heart feels fluttery, which is making me feel really anxious, which in turn is making the latter 3 worse. And all I keep thinking is, this is all a sign of perimenopause. I feel like I am about to lose my mind.
And you know what isn't helping my bad mood? My mom and I got into a fight earlier. I promise this time that it was not yours truly who instigated it. My mother has had a stick and a half up her ass the past few days so I guess she decided it was time to take it out on me and I being someone who never has less than a few sticks up her ass, went right back at her.
And going back to the whole perimenopause thing, between that, my constant anxiety over things, the never ending reel of horrible images of horrible things happening....the last thing I needed was for That Thing to come back. I always say there are a handful of things that would lead me to suicide and I don't doubt that That Thing is one of them, because it's going to drive me into absolute madness one of these days. It's already doing a pretty damn good job of it.
I keep planning on a second post discussing That Thing and some things from that letter that I found, as well as discussing the whole abasophiliac thing, but I have obviously not done so yet.
I picked up this chart to work on on Thursday and didn't finish it until right before I went to lunch on Friday. It was a nightmare. The whole time I was typing it, all I kept thinking was I have no idea what I am doing. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. After I finished setting it up, I thought dear god please let there be no problems with what I did and then packed it up.
I swear, if this computer doesn't kick the bucket soon, I am going to scream.
I am such a freaking basket case right now and all I keep thinking is my hormones are out of whack, which is making me even worse of a basket case. Not to mention my nose is super dry, my throat is super dry and sore, and my eyes are off and on dry. I have had vertigo all day. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest, I feel like I am having trouble breathing, and my heart feels fluttery, which is making me feel really anxious, which in turn is making the latter 3 worse. And all I keep thinking is, this is all a sign of perimenopause. I feel like I am about to lose my mind.
And you know what isn't helping my bad mood? My mom and I got into a fight earlier. I promise this time that it was not yours truly who instigated it. My mother has had a stick and a half up her ass the past few days so I guess she decided it was time to take it out on me and I being someone who never has less than a few sticks up her ass, went right back at her.
And going back to the whole perimenopause thing, between that, my constant anxiety over things, the never ending reel of horrible images of horrible things happening....the last thing I needed was for That Thing to come back. I always say there are a handful of things that would lead me to suicide and I don't doubt that That Thing is one of them, because it's going to drive me into absolute madness one of these days. It's already doing a pretty damn good job of it.
I keep planning on a second post discussing That Thing and some things from that letter that I found, as well as discussing the whole abasophiliac thing, but I have obviously not done so yet.
I picked up this chart to work on on Thursday and didn't finish it until right before I went to lunch on Friday. It was a nightmare. The whole time I was typing it, all I kept thinking was I have no idea what I am doing. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. After I finished setting it up, I thought dear god please let there be no problems with what I did and then packed it up.
I swear, if this computer doesn't kick the bucket soon, I am going to scream.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Random Thoughts
Good news- my stupid monthly finally came! And I stupidly left for work this morning without grabbing my faux Midol so I had to deal with the cramps from hell after it finally came on. I felt like my female innards were on fire and the pain spread down my legs and I had this ripping pain all through my intestines. I wanted to cry, but every time I started to curse my period, I reminded myself to be glad that it came this month (despite being 4 days late).
And as usual, from this point on, I am going to have myself stressed out that it will leave too early or too late and then once it leaves, I will have myself stressed out that my next monthly will come too early, too late, or not at all. Oh, and I am also going to worry that I am going to have bleeding/spotting/whatever the hell that was I had a little over 2 weeks again.
Right now, my eyes, nose, and throat are dry. More things listed as symptoms of menopause. Why must every new thing that come along have to be on the list of menopausal symptoms? And then for shit to come or worsen around my monthly time makes it even worse and more convincing to me. Ugh, I freaking give up with this. I am so damn mentally exhausted from worrying about it.
And as usual, from this point on, I am going to have myself stressed out that it will leave too early or too late and then once it leaves, I will have myself stressed out that my next monthly will come too early, too late, or not at all. Oh, and I am also going to worry that I am going to have bleeding/spotting/whatever the hell that was I had a little over 2 weeks again.
Right now, my eyes, nose, and throat are dry. More things listed as symptoms of menopause. Why must every new thing that come along have to be on the list of menopausal symptoms? And then for shit to come or worsen around my monthly time makes it even worse and more convincing to me. Ugh, I freaking give up with this. I am so damn mentally exhausted from worrying about it.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Random Thoughts
Oh my Lord this week is dragging.
And once again, it is a week where everyone is in the office and it's getting on my last damn nerve. THEY NEVER SHUT UP. And naturally my poor excuse for a manager never puts a stop to it, because god forbid she actually manage instead of trying to be everyone's friend.
I have been so damn depressed and miserable the last few days, I am starting to get on my own nerves. I think I am probably miserable because I am so anxious over my period not coming on time and I am also probably miserable because it's coming. I had some signs of it earlier, so hopefully it's coming and not just fucking with my head.
And then I saw something yesterday that made me feel even worse depressed. The one girl who used to work at my place and I had worked with before I was laid off posted some picture of some [nasty-looking] soup she had made and all of my coworkers commented and apparently sometime this month, they are all invited to go over her house for dinner. I shouldn't even care, but it was like a punch in the gut. Especially because my FWA and her friend (the one who was fired back in the winter) are invited as well. All the other 3 do/did is/was badmouth the latter. Especially the one who invited them for dinner. I think it's hilarious that the 2 of them even believe the other 3 are their friends. And the thing I hate the most is that I am allowing it to bother me.
We did end up going to Apple Fest on Sunday and it was a nice day, minus the usual wanting to smack the BIL. It wasn't as crowded as I thought it would be; in fact, I don't even think it was as crowded as when we go on Saturday. It was just cold as hell. We stopped at Longhorn on the way home and did that turn into an adventure. They took my fav off the menu, the Parmesan crusted chicken sandwich, so I decided to get a burger. I asked for it well-done with just bacon and American cheese, no lettuce, tomato, onions, or anything else. First it came out with pickles, so I sent it back. Then it came out with Cheddar cheese and was probably about medium rare, if not almost rare, so that time we got the manager, who apologized and supposedly made the burger for me (it finally came out perfect). And not only did I get my meal for free, but I got 2 $10 cards. I of course feel horribly guilty for complaining (nicely, of course) and getting all that stuff as well.
And all of this Christmas stuff is getting to me already.
And once again, it is a week where everyone is in the office and it's getting on my last damn nerve. THEY NEVER SHUT UP. And naturally my poor excuse for a manager never puts a stop to it, because god forbid she actually manage instead of trying to be everyone's friend.
I have been so damn depressed and miserable the last few days, I am starting to get on my own nerves. I think I am probably miserable because I am so anxious over my period not coming on time and I am also probably miserable because it's coming. I had some signs of it earlier, so hopefully it's coming and not just fucking with my head.
And then I saw something yesterday that made me feel even worse depressed. The one girl who used to work at my place and I had worked with before I was laid off posted some picture of some [nasty-looking] soup she had made and all of my coworkers commented and apparently sometime this month, they are all invited to go over her house for dinner. I shouldn't even care, but it was like a punch in the gut. Especially because my FWA and her friend (the one who was fired back in the winter) are invited as well. All the other 3 do/did is/was badmouth the latter. Especially the one who invited them for dinner. I think it's hilarious that the 2 of them even believe the other 3 are their friends. And the thing I hate the most is that I am allowing it to bother me.
We did end up going to Apple Fest on Sunday and it was a nice day, minus the usual wanting to smack the BIL. It wasn't as crowded as I thought it would be; in fact, I don't even think it was as crowded as when we go on Saturday. It was just cold as hell. We stopped at Longhorn on the way home and did that turn into an adventure. They took my fav off the menu, the Parmesan crusted chicken sandwich, so I decided to get a burger. I asked for it well-done with just bacon and American cheese, no lettuce, tomato, onions, or anything else. First it came out with pickles, so I sent it back. Then it came out with Cheddar cheese and was probably about medium rare, if not almost rare, so that time we got the manager, who apologized and supposedly made the burger for me (it finally came out perfect). And not only did I get my meal for free, but I got 2 $10 cards. I of course feel horribly guilty for complaining (nicely, of course) and getting all that stuff as well.
And all of this Christmas stuff is getting to me already.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Quote Of The Day
From "Parasites Lost":
Bender: Yo, old guy, why do we have to use those tiny micro-droids? Can't you just shrink us?
Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. That would require extremely tiny atoms, and have you priced those lately? I'm not made of money! Leave me alone!
Ehhhhhhhhhh
Ugh I am so tired I want to cry. Woke up at 3:30AM a little warm and a little sweaty and was up for a little bit. I eventually fell back asleep and was up on and off.
And as expected, my period didn't come yesterday so now I am fretting how late it will come and/or if it will come at all. And I am so damn cranky!
And as expected, my period didn't come yesterday so now I am fretting how late it will come and/or if it will come at all. And I am so damn cranky!
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Ugh
Cabin fever setting in and it's combining with what appears to be PMS. HELP.
I just saw multiple articles how another one of the Duggar fembots got married. Oh joy. Another one to spit out a shit ton of babies. I was ready to say who in the fuck gives a shit and then I remembered I actually am friends with people on Facebook who are legit fans of the family.
You know, I wonder what would happen if one of the girls ever had fertility problems and couldn't shit out a ton of babies. Then the family would probably shun her and blame her for her problems. And I guarantee if one of the boys in the family had problems with his swimmers, then it would still be the woman's fault. I try not to hate religions, but I loathe that religion. Fuck them and their anti-woman stance. And fuck them for blaming birth control for miscarriages. Do tell Michelle- if birth control causes miscarriages, then how do you explain your last miscarriage?
ONTD keeps posting all of these posts of celebrity Halloween costumes and after so many I just started to laugh. The heads of the SJWs must be exploding left and right at all of the "cultural appropriation". That place is getting ridiculous. I don't think it would be as annoying if it wasn't for the fact that the loudest SJWs are probably privileged white girls.
I don't know what happened to that place in general lately. It's full of trolls and more rules than ever and posts about Ariana Grande and Five Seconds Of Summer or whatever the hell they are called and all of these other people that I can't imagine anyone over the age of 15 cares about.
Also, why in the hell is the Blizzard of the Month one you can get all of the time? Why couldn't they have just heeded our begs to have the pumpkin pie one again? THE AUDACITY.
I just saw multiple articles how another one of the Duggar fembots got married. Oh joy. Another one to spit out a shit ton of babies. I was ready to say who in the fuck gives a shit and then I remembered I actually am friends with people on Facebook who are legit fans of the family.
You know, I wonder what would happen if one of the girls ever had fertility problems and couldn't shit out a ton of babies. Then the family would probably shun her and blame her for her problems. And I guarantee if one of the boys in the family had problems with his swimmers, then it would still be the woman's fault. I try not to hate religions, but I loathe that religion. Fuck them and their anti-woman stance. And fuck them for blaming birth control for miscarriages. Do tell Michelle- if birth control causes miscarriages, then how do you explain your last miscarriage?
ONTD keeps posting all of these posts of celebrity Halloween costumes and after so many I just started to laugh. The heads of the SJWs must be exploding left and right at all of the "cultural appropriation". That place is getting ridiculous. I don't think it would be as annoying if it wasn't for the fact that the loudest SJWs are probably privileged white girls.
I don't know what happened to that place in general lately. It's full of trolls and more rules than ever and posts about Ariana Grande and Five Seconds Of Summer or whatever the hell they are called and all of these other people that I can't imagine anyone over the age of 15 cares about.
Also, why in the hell is the Blizzard of the Month one you can get all of the time? Why couldn't they have just heeded our begs to have the pumpkin pie one again? THE AUDACITY.
Random Thoughts
It's raining like hell out, so obviously we didn't get to go to Apple Fest. I AM SO BORED.
I saw this article earlier on Yahoo about some woman who came out of a coma or something and delivered a baby or something. I don't know, I didn't pay much attention to the article because I was more focused on the picture of her in a hospital bed with what looked like an NG tube. What on earth possesses people to take a picture of someone in a hospital bed? Or someone's horrific injuries after being injured? Like if someone is assaulted and someone takes a picture of their injuries and I am not referring to police photos either. I swear to God, if I ever ended up in the hospital with some bad injuries or illness and someone took pictures of me, there would be hell to pay after I recovered. Especially if said pictures ended up on social media and/or the news.
Yesterday when I submitted my worklog to my boss, I have to say I was a little pleased with it. I knocked out a lot more work this week than usual (just praying my work was done properly). Of course, the amount of reports I did in 1 week is what the rest can knock out in 2 days, but still, it was better than it has been. And they were some decent sized charts, too.
I pass by a synagogue every day to and from work and yesterday when I was coming home, they had a sign outside advertising their annual Oy Vey 5K. Best race name ever.
We went over my sister's last night and my sister has a 6 person dining room table. One side of it is very close to her china hutch and I was siting in the one seat next to the china hutch and my nephew's high chair and my aunt was sitting at the head of the table. It was just the 2 of us, so do the math- 4 seats open including 3 in a large open space. My mom asks if anyone if they want coffee and my grandfather says he'll take some. When it's done, he comes over to the table and asks me if I could move in because he is going to sit in the seat next to me or if I was going to move over. Now might I remind you I was in a seat next to a china hutch and high chair, a very tight space, and the seat next to me was also next to the china hutch. And there were 3 open chairs on the other side- in a very large open space. I am not going to bother bringing that up so I just tell him to sit in my seat and I'll go sit somewhere else. He doesn't even let me get the hell out of the way and starts moving into the seat before I am even out of the way and I bumped into the high chair and that was the point that I got really [silently] annoyed. And of course everyone got mad at me for getting annoyed, and maybe I am in the wrong and of course now I feel like crap, but for god's sake, it made it no goddamn sense to me! There were 3 fucking open seats!
I try to remember that my grandparents come from a different generation, but the way my grandmother acts like women should cater to men and the way my grandfather acts like women should do everything really fucking pisses me off sometimes.
I love my family, I really do, but I really dread being around them anymore. And I honestly hate feeling that way, but they're just so....overwhelming.
God, I really wish my computer would kick the bucket already so I can buy a new one! I am tired of its slow ass. See? This is what I get for taking good care of a computer! And my iPad isn't even much of an option considering Safari crashes EVERY 5 SECONDS.
I saw this article earlier on Yahoo about some woman who came out of a coma or something and delivered a baby or something. I don't know, I didn't pay much attention to the article because I was more focused on the picture of her in a hospital bed with what looked like an NG tube. What on earth possesses people to take a picture of someone in a hospital bed? Or someone's horrific injuries after being injured? Like if someone is assaulted and someone takes a picture of their injuries and I am not referring to police photos either. I swear to God, if I ever ended up in the hospital with some bad injuries or illness and someone took pictures of me, there would be hell to pay after I recovered. Especially if said pictures ended up on social media and/or the news.
Yesterday when I submitted my worklog to my boss, I have to say I was a little pleased with it. I knocked out a lot more work this week than usual (just praying my work was done properly). Of course, the amount of reports I did in 1 week is what the rest can knock out in 2 days, but still, it was better than it has been. And they were some decent sized charts, too.
I pass by a synagogue every day to and from work and yesterday when I was coming home, they had a sign outside advertising their annual Oy Vey 5K. Best race name ever.
We went over my sister's last night and my sister has a 6 person dining room table. One side of it is very close to her china hutch and I was siting in the one seat next to the china hutch and my nephew's high chair and my aunt was sitting at the head of the table. It was just the 2 of us, so do the math- 4 seats open including 3 in a large open space. My mom asks if anyone if they want coffee and my grandfather says he'll take some. When it's done, he comes over to the table and asks me if I could move in because he is going to sit in the seat next to me or if I was going to move over. Now might I remind you I was in a seat next to a china hutch and high chair, a very tight space, and the seat next to me was also next to the china hutch. And there were 3 open chairs on the other side- in a very large open space. I am not going to bother bringing that up so I just tell him to sit in my seat and I'll go sit somewhere else. He doesn't even let me get the hell out of the way and starts moving into the seat before I am even out of the way and I bumped into the high chair and that was the point that I got really [silently] annoyed. And of course everyone got mad at me for getting annoyed, and maybe I am in the wrong and of course now I feel like crap, but for god's sake, it made it no goddamn sense to me! There were 3 fucking open seats!
I try to remember that my grandparents come from a different generation, but the way my grandmother acts like women should cater to men and the way my grandfather acts like women should do everything really fucking pisses me off sometimes.
I love my family, I really do, but I really dread being around them anymore. And I honestly hate feeling that way, but they're just so....overwhelming.
God, I really wish my computer would kick the bucket already so I can buy a new one! I am tired of its slow ass. See? This is what I get for taking good care of a computer! And my iPad isn't even much of an option considering Safari crashes EVERY 5 SECONDS.
Song Of The Day
I don't know about anyone else, but I would definitely consider this song as some form of country yet I heard it for the first time on Music Choice's Adult Alternative station and surprisingly really liked it:
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