Ugh

A couple weeks ago my boss was sick. And now she isn't feeling well again. She's been hacking like the hounds of hell. And today I have had this dry tickling in my throat that makes me cough and my voice is kind of hoarse and on the way home I felt achy everywhere, especially in my lower back and legs. So now of course I am worried I caught what she had.

And for me, it's never just oh no I hope I am not getting sick that would suck. No, whenever I don't feel good, then it's constant thoughts of oh good god what did I catch, is it meningitis, is it something deadly (the concern here isn't so much on my part, rather for who might catch it from me), can it lead to sepsis, etc, running through my head nonstop and it turns into constant temperature taking and checking of the skin for any signs of petechiae.

Which reminds me....it's time to take my temperature.

10:21: oh yeah my temperature was 98.0 Fahrenheit. Down 0.1 degree since last checked.

Random Thoughts

Good news! I submitted my taxes on Sunday night. I was going to finish them on Friday and then realized I did not have ink to print them out, so I ended up buying ink on Sunday and finishing them later that night. Of course now I know that I could indeed have saved them and printed them out later. I actually couldn't remember if I could do that or not. Oh, and I ended up paying to have my state taxes filed electronically. Dammit, I really wanted that extra $30.

I never did get my cannoli on Saturday, but as predicted I did eat bad. I had to go to a wedding and I ate like a fucking pig. I had 2.5 Kings Hawaiian rolls, 1 serving mashing potatoes, 2 servings of mixed vegetables, 2 servings of ziti, and 2 servings of chicken parm. Then I had pudding, 2 mini cupcakes, a mini biscotti, a Rice Crispie treat, a slice of cheesecake, a slice of carrot cake, and my wedding cake. And then I came home and ate a soft pretzel.

Mother of God, I am feeling guilty now reading it out loud.

My FWA came into work again yesterday with her mother and the baby. Hey, if I ever wonder why she is so annoying, I just have to look at her mother. The two are identical. They both interrupt constantly, talk too damn much, and everything is always about them. They stopped in before they were going shopping at the mall. I have to laugh at that- her doctor is willing to keep her out for 10 weeks, but she can go shopping? And carry a baby carrier? And hoist it up onto a desk? Seriously? And at one point the baby started screeching and crying. Now I will admit that newborn cries doesn't usually bother me all that much, but oh my freaking god, it was one of the most annoying shrilly screechy cries I have ever heard in my life (then again, look at who her mother is; that poor child having to listen to that voice). And one of my coworkers said she could never tire of hearing that noise. My ovaries were about to commit a murder suicide.

And now for what will probably make me sound like an awful person. I was out on Sunday and I decided to walk from one end of the shopping center we were at to the other end. By the time I got to the other end, I was out of breath and my legs were burning. And all I kept think was about that time I went to that chiro lady and she told me the circulation in my legs wasn't good. And I started thinking of all of these horrible things and what if I get really bad circulation and then I thought of that kid I went to high school with (I swear to God that is going to drive me mad) and I was pretty off the wall the rest of the day. And now all I keep thinking of and worrying about are amputations and it's driving me up the fucking wall. I feel like I am going to lose my mind.

I never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but I would take worrying I have Addison's disease over this. I honestly did not think it was possible, but apparently there is something that could scare me worse than Addison's disease.

And because life is a cruel bitch, I was reading the newspaper yesterday and there was an article about anti-vaccers and there was this story about this little boy who contracted meningitis (I don't think his parents were anti-vaccers, though). Now I have seen some pretty horrifying photos of post-meningitis patients, but none have ever horrified me as much as this one. I couldn't even stop looking at it in horror. Not only did this poor kid have pretty much most of his limbs amputated, but the doctors also removed part of his jaw, parts of ears, and parts of his eyelids.

Maybe I would feel differently if I actually had a child or maybe I am just an overall awful person, but if I had a child and the doctors told me they had to do that to him or her....I'm sorry, I just couldn't allow them to do it. I would feel like a monster making my child live like that (although the sad thing is I bet that kid is happier than I am) and every time I would look at him or her, all I would do is blame myself and think, what in the hell could I have done to prevent this?

Random Thoughts

Commercial count - 17

Thank heavens the baby shower is done and over with. It actually wasn't a terrible day, although I think if it weren't for my coworkers, I probably would have punched a hole in the window and jumped out. And I know this sounds snotty as hell, but the first thing I thought when I walked into the place was, this place is too fancy for someone like her. But it's the truth. And for the first half of the shower, it was just my coworkers and me. Then three ladies came in....with a baby. A miserable little Damian looking thing that did not stop whining and crying and SCREECHING.

And speaking of my coworkers, we have a problem with my FWA's friend. She kind of....smells. Last Wednesday, I kept smelling this bad smell and I couldn't figure out what it was. Then I smelled it again on Friday and then I realized it was a mixture of old Ben-Gay and just a dirty body smell. And THEN I realized I only smelled it when she was around, and add in the fact that she is known for using Ben-Gay a lot in work. So I kind of vaguely brought it up to my coworkers and sure enough, they all said she smells. I don't know if she hasn't been washing her clothes and/or herself or what, but oh my god. I want to throw up.

I hope I have a better weekend than last weekend. I don't know what in the hell was wrong with my digestive system, but it felt horrible. I was so bloated, I had the heartburn from hell, I had lost my appetite, and I was nauseous. I'm still a little bloated and I always have heartburn, but no more nausea and I have my appetite back. All I know is this week needs to get over. It's really dragging like hell. And I don't know what has been up my ass the past two weeks, but I have been one miserable bitch. And I'm so exhausted I want to cry. And I can't concentrate for anything and it's starting to affect my work. I also have a sore spot on the back of my head and I am wondering if it's where I whacked when I passed out the other day.

And you know what else is annoying me? I keep thinking of that kid I went to high school with and what happened to him and I am so fucking grossed out by it and it pisses me off that it won't leave my mind and that I feel the way I do about it. It makes me feel like a truly horrible person. And there are times I have seen him before at our one local diner we go to and I am telling you right now- if I go on Easter or whatever other holiday we go and he comes in, I might have to get up and leave because I will be so repulsed. Good god I am a horrible person.

And as if that doesn't piss me off, seeing that reeled back in the meningococcemia/septicemia fear. So now I am even more pissed off and want to punch something. But at least I am no longer worrying about a tooth abscess or Addison's disease. Well, no. That isn't true. They're still there, but not on the front burner. They will have their time to shine again.

You know, the only good thing that ever came from worrying about a blood infection was that  it was what stopped me from cutting.

I'm supposed to go for a crown tomorrow. I really don't want to, mostly because I just don't want to put out the money and I don't want to be numb for hours, which in turn will disrupt my dinner and snack times. Plus, being numb is just really freaking annoying.

And one more thing- in this picture, Andrew reminds me of the second picture.

FML Part 6

I got into a pretty heated argument with my mother earlier. Once again over how I am sick and tired of her comparing my problems to hers. She claims she does not. She's a fucking liar. And three or four times she came after me and I grabbed her arms and held her back. I probably could have easily have knocked my mother out and while it was extremely tempting, of course I did not.

Many times when I get pissed off, the amount of anger that runs through me terrifies the hell out of me. Sometimes I want to laugh thinking how people assume I am this timid little chicken and how much I would surprise them if they pissed me off enough, even though it is not funny at all. I would never go after someone unprovoked, but if someone were to try to harm me or something, I am a little afraid of what kind of damage I could do.

I feel like my mother stopped short of telling me she despises me. My sister says she doesn't, and that she worries about me all of the time, but you wouldn't know it after the argument. After we stopped screaming at each other, I ended up having a panic attack and I think I seriously strained something in my neck. It hurts really bad. Of course, now I am worried it had nothing to do with that and that it is actually meningitis. Although honestly, right now, I would welcome meningitis to kill me. I would like nothing more than to go to bed and not wake up ever again.

My FWA was whining on Facebook that why is it called morning sickness when you have it all day wah wah wah. As if she never needed enough excuses to leave work early before; now she'll probably use her pregnancy as an excuse to leave early constantly. Listening to women who choose to get pregnant whine about their symptoms is like someone drinking a bottle of vodka and then whining because they are drunk. Or someone eating every single item at a six course meal and then whining because they are full. And then everyone started in with the comments about this old wives tale and that old wives tale and oh she'll make such a great mother and other vomit-inducing drivel. She still doesn't even have a properly functioning car! The thing breaks down half of the time she drives! Priorities! She doesn't have em! JFC, my period needs to come. ASAP.

8:20PM: Neck still hurts, I'm nauseous. My brain is taking advantage of that, and add in the multiple mosquito bites I received the other day....now I am worried I have West Nile fever. The meningitis fear is still lurking as well. I've been analyzing every spot on my body for petechiae or purpura. I've been constantly taking my temperature (no fever). Something needs to be done about this. I need to get that advance directive completed before I completely lose my mind. And I think I have reached the point that I do not need a clinician to tell me I have hypochondriasis.

Good god. I wish I had some vodka.

9:01PM: Finally resorted to taking a single Tylenol PM to maybe knock me out for a little bit, or at least calm me down.

10:15PM: Pill has done NOTHING. I feel like scratching my skin off.

Random Thoughts

I was going through my daily gossip site pages earlier and I came across an article about John Stamos taking a young woman to Disneyland. The girl had contracted meningococcemia and lost all of her limbs. I haven't gotten anxious over meningococcemia in a while, but reading about it has reeled it back into my life. I get so fearful that one day I am going to contract something like that, lose consciousness, and someone is going to go against my wishes of not amputating anything. An advance directive may ease some of the anxiety, but I still wouldn't feel completely at ease. I have made it clear to my family that if something like that happened to me to NOT, under absolutely any circumstances, allow any amputations. Whether they would actually follow through on my wishes, I don't know. And I don't like that uncertainty.

And speaking of uncertainty, I am annoyed with how lousy I have been feeling. And this fear coming back into the picture is not helping matters. I wake up every day feeling exhausted and like I am hungover. And I have been sleeping okay. It's just been taking me forever to fall asleep because my head just runs and runs and runs. And I have been having some weird dreams. Can't remember most of them, but I do remember having a dream one night I was hospitalized with Amanda Bynes. Whatever that was about. The stranger part is, it's not the first time I have dreamt of being hospitalized in a psych hospital with a celebrity, either.

And during the day, I just feel lousy overall. My head feels strange and I get random pains in different spots throughout the day. The pressure in my ears constantly fluctuates (especially in the left). I keep feeling like someone is blowing in my left ear. Every time I cry, I get so stuffed up I can't breathe. I imagines it has to do with my allergies/sinuses. But nothing in my area is high.

I just read some article over on ONTD about some ugly ass old bitch who says any woman who is happy to not have children is a liar. O rly? You know what? I am getting REALLY tired of these miserable ass bitches- probably mostly all women who hated that they took on the role of motherhood- saying that child-free people are selfish, miserable, etc. I just do not understand why it is such a big fucking deal to choose to not have kids.

JFC, if it's that big of a deal for someone to shit out a kid, then fine, I'll do it. And since I'd make a lousy mother, and assuming I do not have endometriosis, I am probably fertile as a cockroach. So not only will I reproduce, I won't stop at one. I will pop out a whole bunch. And I will go on welfare. But who gives a shit? I fulfilled my biological duty, right????

Ew, I just saw a picture of two cockroaches doing the nasty. And I am trying not to laugh.

Random Thoughts

Again with the emotional moodiness. Actually, I don't believe it ever went away. I don't know what the deal was with my last period, but I was miserable as shit before, during, and long after. And I was just starting to feel semi better and now it's repeating all over again. They were discussing on the news earlier refrigerators to use in dorm rooms and I burst into tears. I never thought a time would come where I would regret not ever going away to college.

When I was in my senior year, I never had any desire to go away to school. I don't know exactly why, but I think it was mixture of a fear of taking risks, of being away from my family, and meningococcemia (yes, seriously). And I was never envious of my classmates that were going away, because I knew in a short amount of time I would be seeing them at the community college after they were kicked out of their chosen university for drinking too much or raping someone. What? I'm not making a joke. I went to school with some major assholes and I wouldn't put it past any of them to take advantage of someone. It only took a decade, but the regret of not going away has finally surfaced. I think it may have been better for me to get out on my own.

I get so tired of people telling me there is no point in having regrets. Yes, I understand you cannot change the past and all that. But all of my regrets are stuck in the mudswamp known as the completely illogical part of my brain that is just too stubborn to argue with, so as hard as I try to convince myself not to even bother regretting, it is almost impossible.

I think people who claim they have absolutely no regrets are full of shit. I don't expect people to have mountains of regrets like me, but I am sure everyone has at least one.

Anyway, on to something I have been holding out talking about- Sunday night! We got to Bethelehem around 5:00PM and the whole ride up, the sky was partly cloudy, so I had some hope it would be nice. Of course, when we get up there, it's cloudy and ominous looking. When I went to go pick up my tickets, there was a computer behind the desk and the Weather Channel was up and I saw the redbox with "Severe Thunderstorm Warning". We grabbed dinner and just as we sat down, raindrops started, so we went in to the Artsquest center and not long after, all hell broke loose. And it did not stop raining until well after 7:30PM.

The opening act, Atlas Sound, was bizarre. I expected a band and here it was just some guy who weighed about 6 pounds. His first song sounded pretty cool, but I was out at the merchandise stands, where it was noisy, so whether it was actually any good is beyond me. And he just kept talking and talking in between songs and I still have no idea what he was talking about. At one point he was asking the audience if we wanted to shoot him or something. It was kind of disturbing. I always feel bad for opening acts, because how many actually want to listen to them, but at one point he was even starting to grate on my nerves and I was ready to scream "SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND GET MGMT ON STAGE ALREADY!".

MGMT didn't even come on until about 9:20PM. Atlas Sound started well after 7:30PM, played until about 8:40PM, and then it took forever for the crew to get everything tuned. Which I can certainly understand from my marching band days how humidity can affect instruments. But aside from the late start, OMFG the show was incredible. I enjoyed their performance very much. I was actually able to see a lot more from the bleachers than I expected. And Andrew is nuts. I almost died of shock when he let out a long string of F bombs. Aside from "Time To Pretend" and reading interviews, hearing him actually say the word just stunned me. There is just something disturbing about hearing him say the word.

Andrew had long sleeves on. I don't know how he wasn't dying from the heat. Not to mention stages get really freaking hot. He also had a major fro going on. Probably from the heat. My hair was stick straight and by the time I got up there, it started to puff up. Then it rained and POOF.

Their line up of songs was good. They played, not in order except for the first 2 and the last:

1. Pieces Of What
2. Of Moons, Birds, And Monsters
3. It's Working
4. Time To Pretend
5. Electric Feel
6. Only A Shadow (cover)
7. I Found A Whistle
8. Weekend Wars
9. Alien Days
10. Angie (cover)
11. Brian Eno
12. Siberian Breaks
13. The Youth
14. Flash Delirium
15. Congratulations

I was beyond estatic when I heard the opening of "Siberian Breaks" and it was incredible, although I will admit I was expecting my favorite part, 4:55 to 5:55, to be a little more astonishing. It didn't quite do for me like when I listen to the record version. I did fill up at "I Found A Whistle" (luckily it was already dark), although I am almost positive Andrew messed up the lyrics. I have that song memorized, dammit! Both of the cover songs I enjoyed very much. I was honestly surprised to hear "Weekend Wars". I really didn't expect to hear it. I was also surprised to hear "Flash Delirium", and hearing it live renewed my interest in it, because I started to grow meh on it.

I did really want to hear "The Handshake", but I did get to hear 2 of the 3 songs I really wanted to hear, so I am not bitching. I wouldn't have minded hearing "Kids", either, since while not one of my absolutely favorites, it was what started everything. I would have also liked to have heard "Someone's Missing" and "Destrokk". Do they ever even play the latter live?

There are only 3 things I was disappointed with. One, the weather, obviously. And seeing how gorgeous of a day and night Monday was really pissed me off. Curse you, Huey Lewis and the News for having such a nice night! I really would have liked to have gotten to see more of the actual festival. I really wish I get could get back up there before the end of the week to see the North Side.

Two, I didn't get any pictures. The tickets say no cameras allowed so I didn't bother taking mine in and all night, I saw cameras flashing. I was so livid. And because my brain can't miss an opportunity to degrade me, I have been beating myself up all day over it, that why was I so stupid to not just take it in. My brain is also holding me responsible for the weather, that apparently I am just not meant to ever have a completely good time without one smidgen of disappointment.

Three, I was already out on the streets when they performed "Congratulations". I heard it, and could see some of the screen, but I am livid that I was not actually in the stands.

There was a lot of pot smoking going on. I was almost certain my mom and I (yes, my mother was my guest; sad, isn't it? But despite calling their music depressing, she apparently likes "Time To Pretend" and "It's Working", because when they started to play the latter, she turns to me and says "I like this song". Color me shocked.) were going to have a contact high from all of the smoke blowing our way. Hell, I wouldn't have minded smoking with the people. But my luck one of the many cops there would have arrested me and only me and hauled me off to jail.

But overall, it was great. And naturally I am feeling the post-excitement blues. I can't stand how I have to go through this every time I really look forward to something and it is over. I mean, I have spent weeks tearing my hair out trying to make this happen, and then I was able to find a way there, and have been overly excited but worried about the weather, and then the day finally came, and now it's over. And it's like it never happened. I couldn't even sleep when I got into bed last night, because I was still so hyped from it. Still am, actually.

ETA 1:56PM: Here are a couple articles on it:

MGMT's newer songs outshine its earlier hits in Musikfest concert
MGMT creates their own 'Electric Feel,' warding off lightning at Musikfest - REVIEW

That first article...this part:

And “I Found a Whistle,” with the music from keyboardist Ben Goldwasser and three other players floating behind the acoustic guitar strums of Andrew VanWyngarden.

Not to be that person, but....those other three have names, you know. Sure, Ben and Andrew are essentially what is known as MGMT, but I think they have kind of moved past the point of being a duo. You see pictures of them nowadays, and all 5 of them get loving.

Also, here is a picture of their set list, with the proper order of songs:

They most certainly did not play "The Handshake". LIARS.

You know what I have to laugh about? In the comments section of that picture, there were tons of people bitching about them not playing "Kids", and pretty much an equal number of people bitching that "Kids" isn't their only song, and how much they hate it, and blah blah blah. Just an all out whine fest. Yes, I agree that "Kids" is not their only song and they do have better songs out there, but I still think the backlash is stupid. If someone wants to waste their money to only hear one song being played, that is their prerogative. And their loss of better songs. Only one person in the entire comments section made any sense. He basically said that yes, we get that there are more songs, but saying you dislike a more mainstream song doesn't make you any more of a fan.

Besides, how many of these people bitching about how much they hate "Kids" were introduced to MGMT by that song? Probably more then care to admit. I was one of those people. I certainly like other songs much more, but I still think "Kids" is an amazing song. I would never have known who they were if it were not for that song, although if any song sparked my interest in them, it would have been the morning of July 1, 2011 right before I was leaving for work when I first heard "It's Working" on Music Choice (don't ask why I remember that down to the exact detail).

Ha, so much butthurt. Telling people you hate them and hope they die and saying you are going to throw acid at them because they wanted to hear "Kids"? They don't deserve to listen to MGMT? Wow, I know I can overreact to things, but....geeze Louise, overreact much? I'm sure MGMT would be real happy to know their so called fans are acting this way to each other. If I were a musician, I would be very pissed to see my fans treating each other that way.

And how fitting- the worst of the whining butthurts are probably late tween, early teen girls. So typical of that age group. Probably the same girls going around wishing death on any girl seen with one of the One Direction imps or wishing death on Selena Gomez for dating that ugly little cocky bastard she dates. Or calling these girls ugly. Do I think negative thoughts of a crush's significant other? Sure. Not death threats or anything, but I am guilty of envying them. And despite my envying....honestly, half of these women I'd probably go pretty far with myself.

I fucking despise tween girls. They are the worst group of people on earth.They are a huge reminder of why I never want kids. I feel like sending all of them this. And I wonder how many of these dumb bitches only love Andrew and could care less about the rest of the band. Yes, I admit that I do absolutely adore him more than the others, but I still have mad respect for the rest of them and think that they deserve just as much credit as Andrew.

Besides.....maybe, just maybe, some people still like "Kids" in addition to their other songs.

Oh God It's Back

It's back....the fear of meningococcemia.

I have not been feeling good at all for the past week and a half. I can't even describe it. Friday I started to feel really lousy so I went out and asked one of our medical assistants in work to take my blood pressure and it was normal and my pulse was about 55. I still felt crappy when I got home and I took my blood pressure again and it was still fine, and my pulse was a little more normal. Today I started to feel the same way and I just feel horrible. I keep feeling like I am going to pass out and my heart feels like it's racing but my heart rate and pulse are normal. I don't get it at all. And all I can think is, it's meningococcemia or septicemia.

My mouth keeps feeling numb. I feel like I am having a hard time breathing. Every so often I keep feeling like there is a lump in my throat every time I swallow, but I have no trouble eating or anything. It's uncomfortable in that area when I put my head back. I also had a couple times of my left arm feeling numb and my left hand buzzing earlier and I am also starting to wonder if something is going on with my heart. Yeah that would be my luck. Leave it to me to be one of the healthiest ones in the family and I would be the one to have a heart attack.

Now if I were to actually tell any of this to people I know, I would get the same answer- it's anxiety. Every search I enter into google brings up anxiety as a result. Of course I have considered that. I have seen more times than what should be considered necessary of what anxiety can do to the human body. I have been to the point of actually experiencing symptoms of diseases from having myself so worried over having them. I keep wondering if I am feeling lousy from being anxious (over what I have no idea), and feeling lousy is making me anxious, which in turn is only making me feel worse, and feeling even worse is causing me to stress anymore, and....well, it's a vicious cycle. Anxiety is the devil. It really is. But do I care if it's anxiety? No. As lousy as it's making me feel, I would much rather it be anxiety than any of the shit running through my head.

Something's gotta give with this fear. I honestly do not believe I have any greater fear than the fear of someone making the wrong medical treatment decision on my behalf. I live in absolute fear every single day of my life that one day I am going to go unconscious and someone is going to allow a medical professional to amputate any of my body parts. Legs, okay, I could deal with that somewhat. But those stories of people having every limb amputated....absolutely not. To me, that would be worse than dying. I would absolutely choose death over that.

On another note, do you know what word makes me laugh? Fap. Every time I see the word "fap" or any variation of it in a comment section, I giggle uncontrollably.

If Stephen King Can Say It's Scary....

One night while I was bored, I played around on Yahoo! Answers and found and answered a question of what is the scariest book I have ever read. My answer was The Demon In The Freezer by Richard Preston, which was about smallpox, which I had read a few years ago. Curious to see if there were any other books written by him, I took a trip up to the library the other day.

I found The Hot Zone, which is about ebola, and with no contest, that is easily the scariest book I have ever read in my life. I always knew that one of the characteristics of ebola was bleeding, especially out the eyes, but I never knew just how destructive the virus is (whether the author exaggerated anything or not is beyond my knowledge, so my information is based on what the book stated). This virus just basically destroys almost every single living tissue in the body. Just completely liquifies it. It basically turns you into fucking soup. I just hope these people that develop it that their minds are so out of normal functioning that they have no idea what is going on. I don't think in a normal state of mind- well, as normal as can be- I would particularly enjoy seeing blood coming out of every imaginable crevice in my body.

The reality of the situations in the book are what scares me the most. The Demon scared me enough, but ebola makes smallpox look like a cold. I just found something that scares me even more than meningococcemia. The reality of how if the samples of this virus got into the wrong hands and could be turned into biological warfare is beyond comprehensible.

Happy Birthday To Me!

I just received my first birthday email from a computer forum I am a member of.

Since last Thursday, every time I get into a car, I can feel myself starting to panic. Earlier, I went out with my mom and the whole time in the car, I wanted to scream, "dear God, let me out! I can't do this!". The dream I had last night certainly did not help my car anxiety.

A lot of things I have been fearful of in the past came and have never returned. But there is one that returns again and again and again- meningococcemia. It first came on in 2005. It returned last year and right now it is back. The fact that (what I want to guess is due to hormones) I have been feeling so horrible- exhausted and fatigued, shaky feeling, lightheaded, palpitations, sporadic isolated headaches, backache (which does not feel like cramps), feeling kind of short on breath, a burning stretch in the back of my legs when I bend forward- is not helping. I have been obsessively checking my temperature to make sure I do not have a fever, my blood pressure to make sure it's not low, and spending a ridiculous amount of time checking from head to toe for a rash.

Obviously, it's not the dying part I am scared of. It's the whole blood clots forming/possible amputation risk that terrifies me. What I would like to do is have a living will made and in it I want it to specify that I refuse treatment in the case that life can be saved at the risk of losing a limb. The question is, how exactly do you go through with making a legal living will that must be obeyed? Without costing a fortune? I am looking for some things right now and it is all the same crap as trying to find medical insurance- if you are poor or on disability or whatever. Well, I need help and I don't have a job and I can't find one. Where are my options? Boy, I love this country sometimes. You either have to be extremely rich or extremely poor to get anything. Everything is handed to you. Screw you if you are middle class or even middle to upper-lower class.