Oh God It's Back

It's back....the fear of meningococcemia.

I have not been feeling good at all for the past week and a half. I can't even describe it. Friday I started to feel really lousy so I went out and asked one of our medical assistants in work to take my blood pressure and it was normal and my pulse was about 55. I still felt crappy when I got home and I took my blood pressure again and it was still fine, and my pulse was a little more normal. Today I started to feel the same way and I just feel horrible. I keep feeling like I am going to pass out and my heart feels like it's racing but my heart rate and pulse are normal. I don't get it at all. And all I can think is, it's meningococcemia or septicemia.

My mouth keeps feeling numb. I feel like I am having a hard time breathing. Every so often I keep feeling like there is a lump in my throat every time I swallow, but I have no trouble eating or anything. It's uncomfortable in that area when I put my head back. I also had a couple times of my left arm feeling numb and my left hand buzzing earlier and I am also starting to wonder if something is going on with my heart. Yeah that would be my luck. Leave it to me to be one of the healthiest ones in the family and I would be the one to have a heart attack.

Now if I were to actually tell any of this to people I know, I would get the same answer- it's anxiety. Every search I enter into google brings up anxiety as a result. Of course I have considered that. I have seen more times than what should be considered necessary of what anxiety can do to the human body. I have been to the point of actually experiencing symptoms of diseases from having myself so worried over having them. I keep wondering if I am feeling lousy from being anxious (over what I have no idea), and feeling lousy is making me anxious, which in turn is only making me feel worse, and feeling even worse is causing me to stress anymore, and....well, it's a vicious cycle. Anxiety is the devil. It really is. But do I care if it's anxiety? No. As lousy as it's making me feel, I would much rather it be anxiety than any of the shit running through my head.

Something's gotta give with this fear. I honestly do not believe I have any greater fear than the fear of someone making the wrong medical treatment decision on my behalf. I live in absolute fear every single day of my life that one day I am going to go unconscious and someone is going to allow a medical professional to amputate any of my body parts. Legs, okay, I could deal with that somewhat. But those stories of people having every limb amputated....absolutely not. To me, that would be worse than dying. I would absolutely choose death over that.

On another note, do you know what word makes me laugh? Fap. Every time I see the word "fap" or any variation of it in a comment section, I giggle uncontrollably.