Random Thoughts

Evidently, my question on whether to continue or move on from worrying about my foot is clear (continue worrying about it). I felt better and it felt better since I got the results of my x-ray and then over the weekend it started bothering me again. I have been worrying nonstop about it and it feels so uncomfortable (almost like a irritated burning discomfort that only comes when I am, strangely enough, resting) and I don't know whether it is true discomfort or at this point, psychosomatic pain. Either way, it is making me sick to my stomach every time I think about it, which is basically all day long, so I am nauseous from the time I wake up until I go to bed.

This has just been a hell of a week. I had such an upsetting day at work on Monday and I know I have said it before, but this was seriously the closest I ever came to walking out. My boss spoke so horribly to me, reaming me out for doing something that she has told me MULTIPLE TIMES to do. For once, my WA was beneficial, because she was there to back me up on what I was getting in trouble for. I was so upset and shaking so bad, I felt like I was going to burst. I went back to my desk and did nothing for 10 minutes because I had basically shut down mentally at that point.

There have been so many days where I just get so overwhelmed, I have to lay my head down or lay on my bed or on the floor and just not do anything. I am so stressed, really not over anything of significance, but just a bunch of small things. I just want to cry all the time. I have been sleeping pretty much every day I come home from work on the days I don't exercise (it's a long story; I have this fear that sleeping will slow down my revved up metabolism). I can barely get out of bed in the mornings. My whole body hurts from head to toe. My shoulders and neck tingle, which is a very uncomfortable and annoying feeling. I am so fucking depressed and it all started when this crap with my foot started. I became less active when it started, for fear of doing harm, which in turn is making me cranky and depressed because I like to be very active.

Oh boy and am I cranky! My patience is just about nonexistant. Every little thing is annoying me. Every time my father talks to me, I want to scream. My mother keeps talking excessively about the damn Casey Anthony trial. I am not even in the door five minutes after work, and if it's not my father bothering me, it's my mother going on about the goddamn case. I don't fucking care! And every night at dinner, my father has to walk by and rub my shoulder, or he will come in my bedroom and talk to me and rub my back and I just want to scream "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!". I fucking HATE when people touch me for no goddamn reason.

I don't know what else to do. And the foot worry is severely exacerbating my stress over That Thing. I am so stressed I feel like I am very close to breaking down. I can't get my mind to shut off for nothing. It feels like someone put my mind on overdrive and there is no way to stop it.

There have been many times where my stress over That Thing is driving me to the brink of contemplating suicide. I can't deal with wanting this so bad and more than likely never getting it and I can't deal with the shame of it. And one day I was thinking if I were to ever get to the point where I would actually commit suicide over it, and how if my mother were to find out about it, how she would still prefer to have me on Earth even knowing her daughter has such a sick twisted desire, rather than to never see me again. And it was like a punch in the stomach. It made me physically ill to come to that realization. But it still is not enough to admit it to her.

There was a Philadelphia firefighter who recently got in trouble for posing topless for a calendar that benefits widows. A whole big turmoil resulted and his job was affected. I think he eventually got his job back. Well, last weekend, he was found dead of suicide. I was reading an article in the Daily News about him and I just filled up. I just looked at the picture of him and wished I could open my arms, give him a hug, and take away all of his emotional and mental hurting.

So....yeah, in the last RT entry, that last part....I can't even begin to describe how much guts it took for me to admit to that. It took a lot for me to hit the Publish Post button and even after that, I contemplated going back and deleting it. And like I said, it's not something I am ashamed of- far from it- it's just something I prefer to not really admit it. I don't know, I can't describe it. I guess I have this fear that people are going to get the wrong idea. What the wrong idea could be is beyond me, but still. I also don't feel like being subjected to any psychobabble analyses.

The Crap We Missed – Thursday 6.30.11 - Photos – The Superficial - Because You're Ugly

Oh for fuck's sake. Mike, just come out of the freaking closet already.