The WTF Of The Day

Dancing With The Has Beens: 666 For Bristol Palin

Oh my. Despite looking quite gay (all together now....Hey!....Hey!....Hey, hey, hey!....macho, macho man....I gotta be a macho man), wow. Just wow. He looks....well, good. Almost worth contemplating having sex with....

Oh, who am I kidding? I'd hit it (provided there are plenty of Level 5 biohazard protection level condoms abound; I don't particularly want any STDs; although, to be fair here, any guy, STD free or not, can still give me the ultimate and worst STD of all, if you get my drift). Hard. I want him to bang me like a Salvation Army drum. Which is sick and disturbing on so many levels and I hate myself for thinking this because the only two reasons I can imagine any girl wanting to fuck the Situation are sluts or girls who are ridiculously sexually frustrated and desperate to get laid. And since we all know I am not a slut, I guess it means I just need to get laid already.

I want to take hot fudge and pour it all over his glorious yet freaky ass looking abs and lick it off very, very, very slowly. This is the kind of sexual relationship I would definitely factor sadism into. I'll whip him every time he says the word "situation" (5 whips if he says the phrase "we have a situation") or he lifts his shirt up (which means I will be cracking that whip a lot; good thing I have insurance now because I suspect I'll have a rotator cuff tear or carpal tunnel by the end of the night). What? He's basically rock hard! It shouldn't hurt! He will take it like a man and LIKE IT! He's a bad boy and he needs to be whipped. *whistles "Whip It" and cracks whip*

And because I also find him so unbearably cocky, I would also like to give El Sitcho here an ass-kicking similar to the one Adina administers to Jimmy in Sorority Boys.

How is it possible for someone to love themselves so much? I'd really like to know. And I am surprised that someone like him hangs out with meaty people. He puts me in the mind of someone who doesn't go near fat people for fear of catching their fat. I'd like to believe that his behavior is all an act and he is really a sweet guy. It would warm my black heart. After all, didn't you know he is Italian? Italian men should not act like dicks. They should treat women with respect.

I should summon my great-grandfathers from the grave to smack the shit out of these men.

If you want to hear something really crazy....I'd pay to see Mike make out with a male cast member. I'd like to see him make out with the one guy who seems kinda nice and semi-normal and not some roid-raged douchebag. Not the one who is terrifyingly enormous and looks like he has an IV of steroids hooked up to him 24/7 and not the one who looks like Bart Simpson (who also seems like he might be a nice guy, but....THAT HAIR). Vinny, I think his name is. A nice Italian name. I might do him, too. Hell, I might do them all. Except maybe Ronnie. He's cute, maybe the actual cutest of the 4, but I'd probably die of a crushed pelvis if he snoo-snooed me, although with as sexually frustrated as I am, there is a good chance I could crush his. Oh my yes.

Here is how it will play out- El Sitcho is first, despite the fact that he being chosen to be someone's first will probably further enlarge his ginormous ego. Then comes Pauly D (and a set of eye goggles). As for who comes third and fourth....well, Vinny and Ronnie will just have to fight to the death. No, that won't work at all. Ronnie will probably have an extreme advantage over Vinny, so....rock, scissors, paper? Yeah, that works. Three rounds of it, best out of 3. And then after all 4 have banged me (which I give 20 minutes total- 8 minutes for Vinny, 5 minutes each for Pauly and Ronnie, and 2 minutes for El Sitcho), George Clooney- who I don't even find that sexy, but since he seemed like the ideal example to use of extreme sexiness since he has been People's Sexiest Man Alive about six thousand times and since even straight men would willingly fuck him- will come through the door and he will do me until I scream "oh my gosh!" and then he will turn and stare at them without a word, which will make them all cry on the floor because their hotness and masculinity will never EVER measure up to George's. And "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls will be playing. Repeatedly. Yes. God bless Mother Nature indeed.

I found NASCAR Performance on the other day and I saw Bootie Barker. I'd still hit it.

Good God. I need to get laid already.