Random Thoughts

I am done with this fucking insomnia. And now I dread going to bed every night that I am going to have a bad night, which in turn probably causes me to have a bad night. Sunday night I could not fall asleep for anything. I tried Advil, then finally took an Ativan. I listened to "Siberian Breaks" a couple times, which helped me to relax, but I still couldn't fall asleep. I think I finally dozed off sometime around 3. Last night I think I did sleep, but I kept waking up.

I got pissed off in work yesterday when almost an hour went by and my FWA still wasn't back from her lunch break, so I sent my manager an email asking if I could talk to her. What did I get when I said something? "I'll check into it". Oh, I am sure you will. Because you don't approve our time sheets every week. Don't fucking patronize me, you poor excuse for a manager.

I have post nasal drip and I feel like crap. My throat is sore and irritated and my ears feel full and every time I swallow, they pop and crackle. My nose is running like a faucet.

I am tired of worrying about perimenopause and not knowing if I am in it or not. I am dreading my period ending because then my bladder will probably start bothering me again and the whole cycle of worrying about getting my period too early or too late will start again. I am already worrying it's going to stick around longer than it's supposed to.

You know what's sad? Since all of this started, I tell myself every month, if it comes on time, then I am going to try to let go of the fear. And then it comes and I just can't let go of it, because all I can think is, what if next month it doesn't come on time? What if this is the last time I see it and it never comes again? And I just feel like I am jinxing myself if I let it go. 

Man, I am in a bad mood right now.