Random Thoughts

 Speaking of giving someone an inch and them taking a mile, my brother-in-law is good for that. He decided a few months ago he was going to rejoin a band. And he has gigs basically every weekend. And the weekends my sister is at work, my mother has to babysit until she gets home from work while he jets off to his gigs for the night. My sister has been working a gang of Fridays and I think she works the next 2 and he is scheduled for gigs on those days and my mom has to basically stay for over 14 hours and babysit. And every Friday my sister isn't working, he is off. Coincidence? I think not. Sure, why not use your mother-in-law and then make snide comments about her behind her back? As long as you don't have to take care of your kid, right?

I don't know how my sister can even think of having another kid with him. Between her little patience with the kid and his no patience with the kid.....come on. Oh, and not to mention my BIL barely bathes most of the time and when he actually does, he uses the same washrag. Fucking hell, I don't know my sister could have even made the first baby with him!

"Emmylou" by First Aid Kit just popped up on my iTunes shuffle; I forgot how good this song was. It's a good song to sing along with. I hate that I don't have a great singing voice, because I love singing. I am not god awful or anything, but I am far from good.

I am so glad I am finally getting to go to the eye doctor tomorrow. Maybe I can get an answer why my eyes feel so dry and gritty and irritated, although my reasoning would be it's just another sign of perimenopause. I thought maybe it was due to having to change contact solution brands (I used to use Target's no rub solution, then for some reason they stopped selling it), but I bought new solution in the beginning of June and I don't recall my eyes bothering me until late July.

Sometimes I don't know if I hate Sundays or Mondays worse. I dread going into work. I can't stand having to worry about getting an email over some minute issue, like over fucking coffee. I can't stand that my manager will not wash the coffee pot after using it. I can't stand my FWA. I can't stand how my work productivity is suffering big time due to my allowing my mental issues to get out of control. I can't stand how I wish more mornings than not that a semi would come along and nail me and kill me, although my luck I would end up physically fucked up and not dead.

I spent probably close to 2 hours last night reading about paralysis and spinal cord injuries on eMedicinehealth.com. I don't know why. I just know when I finished reading about it, I just thought why did I just read about that? I could not answer myself, except that I am mental. It only ended up making my anxiety bad, since I alternate between being terrified of them and meh on them. Or almost wishing one would happen to me like 3 years ago and some time before that. What exactly do you think "that thing" was? "That thing" was exactly what it sounds like- I wanted to be paralyzed (paraplegic) and in a wheelchair. I can't explain why, because I honestly don't know why. But can you see why I would never admit it to anyone in person? Can you imagine the judging and criticizing that would come from it? I am not even sure if I ever got back in therapy, I would ever admit it to a therapist. It's pure torture not being able to admit to it. I don't want it right now, but I can't say for sure that it won't come back at some point again.

And after the Addison's fear ceased, I felt something similar to when my fear of having MS disappeared- anger and disappointment. If I am really not going through perimenopause and the perimenopause fear ever ceases, will I feel the same way?

I am getting too uncomfortably open in this post.

I am super, super embarrassed right now that I just admitted all of this. Can you see why I wish more days than not that I was dead? I mean, when you can no longer understand your own thoughts, it is a problem.