Random Thoughts

Ugh, I hope when I go to bed tonight, I am able to sleep better. I have been having really bad insomnia lately and since I do not want to take sleeping medication, I have been taking a lot of Advil. I know it is a muscle relaxer, but I often wonder if the fact that I can fall asleep easier when I take it is really kind of a placebo effect.

I am also wondering if the wicked heartburn I have been having has anything to do with taking it. It has been exceptionally bad lately. Every time I eat, I get pain all across my shoulder blades. My stomach and esophagus feel completely raw. I took medicine earlier, but it didn't help.

I was having a really difficult time falling asleep last night because my mind was running on 100%. I went out and watched TV for a little bit. Went back to bed and I still couldn't fall asleep. I put my headphones on and started crying. Then I sat up and leaned against the wall and my mind really started running and I just wanted to scream SHUT THE FUCK UP! Instead, I banged my head against the wall, hitting it hard enough at one time to actually feel a slight vibration in my skull. And then I thought what the hell am I doing? This is about the third time this week that I have actually tried to physically hurt myself.

I don't understand what is going on with my personality lately and it's really starting to worry and scare me (and I will give you one guess what I am assuming has to do with it). I do not want to ever hurt another person (unless a loved one's life is at risk), but I am so scared that one day I will. I don't like how short tempered I have been feeling.

I am so stressed and overwhelmed from this stupid fucking disorder and I think I may have finally reached the point that it has finally taken over my life. I am so preoccupied with this stupid fear of having Addison's disease, although I think the fear is actually becoming more I am scared I have something wrong with my endocrine system and not specifically Addison's, and I am so preoccupied with constantly rerunning every thing I have done wrong in my life (which is basically everything) and berating myself over it, and some other things I am obsessing over, that I basically cannot do anything else. Which is only making everything worse. I am obsessing over my wrong doings, and I am so focused on obsessing over them that I basically cannot do anything, which is putting off fixing them, and leading to more wrong doings to obsess over.

And let's not forget my self image problems. It's been covered so many damn times, but it's getting bad. There are days I want to go out with my head covered because I feel so hideous and disgusting. I am so fearful of gaining weight and I am so disgusted by fat people. I am ashamed of myself for feeling this way, because I have been overweight.

And if you want the God's honest truth, and I really hate actually admitting this out loud, the whole reason I am scared of having Addison's is because I don't want to go on steroids and get fat. I would actually rather let myself die than gain weight from the treatment. I'd like someone to tell me that that is not a fucking sick thing to think, because I certainly think it is. I have never even told anyone this because I am so ashamed that I am actually that fucking shallow. 

Being out of high school 10 years this summer and not being done school has become a terrible obsession for me and I can't stop berating myself over it and I don't even bother trying to fix it because I still find the fact that it took me so long unacceptable and unforgivable. I don't know how to stop dwelling over the past. I don't know how to forgive myself for making these mistakes. Yes, I understand humans make mistakes, but by God, there is a limit! I am so stuck in the past and I don't know how to move on. And I can't go back to school until I can finally forgive myself for not being done sooner and when I can finally reach the point where not getting a perfect grade isn't the end of the world and doesn't make me a bad person.