Random Thoughts

Well, at least I had a decent weekend for once. Friday I attempted to go see American Reunion with my sister and brother-in-law, but we ended up getting a refund for our tickets because the theater was packed. We ended up at Target instead. Saturday, I finally got my Longhorn fix, and then went to see The Five Year Engagement. Nothing terribly exciting, but better than sitting in.

It's strange, when I started this post, I had a mindful of things to discuss and now my head is completely blank of what those things were. I got distracted looking at another webpage and guess I lost it all somewhere in that time. I have been comparing health information technology programs between the two closest community colleges. It's not particularly my ideal field, but I would like to go into the healthcare field and preferably something with nonpatient contact, and HIT seems to be the best match. The community college I did attend, their program you have to be admitted in to. The other school you do not. I'd rather go with the latter, provided all of my 29 credits transfer, although 2 of those credits would have to be disregarded. My school's medical terminology course was only worth 2 credits and the other school (and pretty much any other college, should I decide to go on for a Bachelor's, which I certainly would like to, but just taking the step to get an associate's is borderline overwhelming to me) is worth 3.

I just want to pull my life back together. I was so thrilled back in 2009 when I got my job that finally, I could start stitching up bits and parts of my life. Only to have it all unravel again in August of this past year. And yeah, okay, maybe I am making a bigger deal of it than what is necessary, but it was such a long ridiculous nightmare before I got that job and I remember constantly saying I hope I never have to go through something like this again, only for it to happen all over again. Just thank god I didn't end up in the hospital again, although I don't deny that I have seriously thought of going there again. I think my experience there would be a lot different than last time because I know what to expect this time around. And like I have said before, I would not allow anyone on staff to treat me the way those assholes did when I was there.

But I don't want to talk about this anymore. It was a life experience that I would prefer to stay in the past and be forgotten, but as of now, that is not happening, because my mind is stuck on PAST and doesn't seem to want to move forward.

I still have people making comments to be about not losing any more weight, despite the fact that I have not lost any weight since last year. I have been maintaining my weight since before the wedding. And possibly even up a couple pounds since then. I have finally reached the point that I am actually happy with my weight. Do I still have days where I wish I was thinner? Of course. But it has been so many damn years since I have been happy with my weight. And naturally, something else has to go wrong. I am finally happy with my weight and I don't feel good. And I can't get an answer. And we should all know by know what I think the answer is.

And I swear, almost every week something new comes along to convince me I have it. What I think looks like nail beading was what, last week or so? My arm is still sore from when I banged my head against it, so right away I recall reading about people who were diagnosed with it having a difficult time recovering from injuries. It's always goddamn something. I've said it before, at least a hundred times, but for the love of God, I just want this fear to go away. It would just be nice to one day not have to look at my face and try to recall if it was lighter before or if that freckle or this freckle was there before, or to not have to take my blood pressure. I was actually on Google the other day researching the price of an ACTH stimulation test, because I just don't know what else to do. I don't know what else I could do to get rid of it. I am at my wit's end and I am starting to get afraid that this obsession is going to drive me mad. Mad to the point that one day I am going to decide suicide is the only way I can get away from it. And it does not help that I have a list that seems to grow almost everyday to help contribute in making that decision one day.

But somehow I have a feeling that asking for the test would be difficult. I have read many stories of people who were eventually diagnosed with Addison's and what they went through to get the diagnosis was unreal, including many being told it was in their head. The fact that so many of these people came in with very clear signs of the disease and were still being refused the test by doctors tells me I would probably have similar, if not worse, difficulties in having the test done. Nor do I particularly want to have it done unless someone truly suspects I have it. Having had subjected myself to a bone scan and being injected with radioactive stuff for no reason was enough. Being injected with a synthetic hormone freaks me out just as much, if not more.

And this neverending heartburn is starting to drive me up the wall. Medicine is not taking it away for anything. I have woken up every morning this weekend with a sore throat and hoarseness. I must have enough acid to take the paint off of an entire car.

And as if I am not upset enough about vacation, it just occured to me that I probably am not going to get any sleep. My sister has been having trouble sleeping because her husband has been snoring like the hounds of hell, and when we go on vacation, I share the double bedroom with them. I have a difficult enough time falling asleep, and if it's not quiet enough to hear a pin drop, forget it. And when I don't sleep, I am a miserable bitch. I am seriously about to just stay home.

On a less negative note, tonight's Yo Gabba Gabba was the "Art" episode. Two times in one week! To what do I owe this honor?!