Unwelcome Back

Well, I was starting to think maybe, just maybe, the Addison's fear was finally starting to phase itself out of my life. But no. No such luck. It's here in full force again. I just want to cry. I feel like this nightmare of an obsession is never going to end. I feel like I have a fucking parasite in my brain that just will not die. I just want it to go away and stay away.

I don't even know what brought it out again. I don't know if it was one day when I was inspecting my nails and I happened to notice what looks like beading. And then I remembered reading about nail beading being a sign of Addison's. I am not sure if that is what brought it out again (it never seems to go away completely, but I do go through periods where it goes on the back burner).

And with it being so hot the past couple days, I feel horrible. Every time I get in the shower, my heart starts beating erratically and skipping beats. I can actually feel my heart stop and then start up with a really hard bang. It scares the hell out of me every time it happens. It happened to me last night several times when I was in the shower and I started sobbing because it's such a horrible and terrifying feeling. I have been feeling light-headed and dizzy when standing more than usual. I keep getting random dizzy spells. I don't know how I am going to tolerate the summer. I don't even want to go on vacation because I am so afraid of how the heat in South Carolina is going to affect me. Seems like I won't be doing much this summer. I guess it's kind of a good thing I am more than likely not going to get to go to Musikfest, even though I am thisclose to giving my left leg to get tickets to go to it. I'd be too worried about getting sick if it's really hot. The whole not going still pisses me off, though, but I'll save that for another day.

And none of this is helping my anxiety. It's just making it worse and it's feeding into this stupid fear. It's also instigating that voice in my head that keeps telling me to kill myself already.

I need to get up to go watch American Dad and I am absolutely terrified to get up because I am so afraid I am going to feel light-headed and faint.