Random Thoughts

As I said, I had to go to the dentist on Tuesday. And it would have been good. Because I am uninsured, my dentist exam fee was waived, my x-ray fees were waived, and I had to pay $100 for the entire visit. Now I mentioned before that I had a tooth bothering me. No cavities were found. Thought I was in the clear of having to put out anymore money....and then I was told I had a chip in a filling in my very back molar. So now I have to put out $180 to have that filled in. I am so annoyed. I was so worried that I would have to pay a ton of money for a cavity. Instead now I have to put out money to have a stupid filling fixed. Oh and my tooth is still bothering me. GRRR!

My head had been hurting on the left side pretty much all day and I keep getting a stabbing pain over my left eye. It's not a bad ache, just very annoying. And earlier I started wondering if maybe it had something to do with me banging my head against the wall the other night. And I started to get a little worried. And then I thought oh who fucking cares? I really do not.

This self-injuring has to stop. But when I do it, it's just like when I snap out on someone- it's like something has taken over my body and I am not myself when I do it. I don't want to end up injuring myself really bad, like breaking a bone. No. I don't need that right now.  

I wish one day I could read something on Addison's disease that would basically be concrete evidence that I do not have it. Honestly I felt a lot worse back when it first started and like I said before, my mother always tells me that if I did have it, she thinks I would be feeling a lot worse than I do and I would be progessively feeling worse. Which makes sense. But again, then I read "The gradual onset and nonspecific nature of early symptoms often lead to an incorrect initial diagnosis of neurosis" (source) and "Unfortunately, the slowly progressive chronic symptoms are usually missed or ignored until a sudden event like a flu virus, an accident, or the need for surgery suddenly precipitates a dramatic change for the worse because of the deficient response from the adrenals to one of these stresses" (source) and I get nervous all over again.

Also, it doesn't help that I seem to be experiencing orthostatic hypotension symptoms (with no proof of blood pressure drop yet) more than usual. I am like a caged animal most of the day because I don't know what to do standing up but I get sick with worry every time that I sit or lay down, that when I go to get up, I am going to feel lightheaded. And it's making me really irritable, on top of everything else. I have been sleeping horribly. I cry almost every night before I go to bed. My head won't stop running. Lack of sleep, suicidal ideation, exhaustion, multiple obsessions, the need to constantly analyze my skin- it's all turning me into one cranky bitch.

I am tired of suicidal ideation. I have no formulated plan or anything, just a terribly strong desire to die. Sure I have suicidal fantasies, sick twisted ideas like blowing my brains out with "Time To Pretend" blasting or running and jumping off a bridge or flooring my car into a concrete wall, but they are never any methods I would really want to use. I feel that I am just too awful of a person to deserve happiness, and therefore do not deserve to be alive. I am no fucking good. Every so often I hear of deaths on the news, or read about them in the paper, and I wish I had been taken instead of that person, because I feel that person was not evil and deserved to live more than me. I saw an obituary in the paper earlier and a 15 year-old kid had died and it made me sad. I probably would have cried if I had been alone in the room.

I read a new MGMT post earlier and this was my reaction to it. And I noticed Andrew has a stain on his shirt in the first picture. It's distracting me to no end; I want to rub a Tide stick on it. And I want to brush (and perhaps maybe wash) his hair. Also, why do people keep comparing Andrew to Jake Gyllenhaal? I do not see the resemblence. At all.

And you know what else annoys me? I fanned Ben and Andrew on Facebook. I don't know if it's their actual fanpages or not, but they seem close to legit. The difference in number of fans between the two is ridiculously huge. I'm talking close to 47,000 for Andrew and almost 3,000 for Ben. What the hell? I'd be a LIAR if I said I didn't get the Andrew worship, but I do not understand the dislike for Ben. It's incomprehensible. How can anyone like MGMT, but not like Ben? You have to like the both of them! They're two halves of a whole! You can't like one without the other! It's like saying you love ice cream sandwiches, but then saying you hate the ice cream in the middle! Or saying you love an Oreo Blizzard, but hate Oreos! I don't even know if that makes sense!