Random Thoughts

Ugh, again with the erratic heart beats. This is annoying. Why couldn't all this shit start when I had medical? You know, I know way too many damn people who have insurance and refuse to go to the doctor. It makes me want to scream. It infuriates me. You have health insurance! Do you know how many people would trade places with you?!

I want to know what the hell is wrong with me. I am getting to the point where I am about to just put out the damn money to rule out Addison's disease. I can't take this fear anymore. It is literally overtaking my life, among any other obsessions I have.

The worrying just never ends. Now I have a tooth bothering me, which more than likely is probably a cavity. I go to get my teeth cleaned on Tuesday, which is going to be out of pocket. If I have a cavity, more money out of pocket. I am sick with worry that I am going to have more than one and it's going to cost me even more. Or that the cavity is going to be so bad I am going to require those things I had to have for the last two cavities.

I was about to freak out the other night, so I went out to my car to get myself together and I could not stop crying and I started punching my steering wheel. The rage I felt was terrifying. It scares the hell out of me when I feel anger and rage like that. So my arms have been a little irritated since then. And tonight I was annoyed so I banged my head on my arm and now my arm is really sore and now I am worried that I might have cracked the bone or something.

I am finding myself completely intolerable to live with. I hate all of my obsessions, my temper, how jealous I get of the most ridiculous things, my nastiness with other people. I can't stand how I cannot recall the last time I actually enjoyed something because my anxiety and suicidal ideation gets in the way. I am tired of putting on a phony happy front for people when all I want to scream at them is do any of you assholes realize just how much I fucking want to be dead?!

Look at computer viruses. What do you do with computer viruses? You kill 'em with antimalware programs. But what do you do when it's too far gone? You wipe out the software and reinstall it. I look at every bad thing in my head as a virus and unfortunately I feel like I have reached the point where antimalware software won't cut it. It needs an entire reinstall.

I just want to be happy. True happiness. Not medicine induced happiness. I saw a picture of Andrew the other day and there was just something about the smile on his face that made me cry. It was a smile of true happiness. I want to know what true happiness feels like, because I haven't felt it in over 15 years. I want to know what one day of not worrying about anything feels like. I want to know what it feels like to be in love with another human being.

I just want someone to take me in their arms and tell me everything is going to be okay.