Random Thoughts

The good news- it finally came Saturday. The bad news- I am still emotional and moody as hell. And anxious as anything. And overall feeling like the shittiest person on earth.

We went down Seaside on Saturday. It was a nice day, but a little too chilly. Didn't do much but walk the boards (the little that is left of them right now) and ate at the Beachcomber. Man, that place is hit or miss. Either the food is really good or it sucks. And tonight it was the latter. I thought maybe it was just due to hormones that my food didn't taste too good, but my sister and mom didn't enjoy it either. My pizza would have been good.....if it wasn't so cold.

A little while after dinner, my sister and my mom got ice cream and I thought about getting it and then decided, eh I'll get home in time to go get something, like Dairy Queen or the Drive In in Maple Shade. So I didn't get anything. When we got home (about 7:30PM), my sister asked me if I wanted to go to Target with her, so I said yeah, figuring I'd still get home to get something. Next thing I know it's after 9 and I still have nothing so I started to get really anxious and I said something about not having anything and my sister asked me if I wanted to go to McDonald's for ice cream since I have been wanting it and I ended up deciding to just go home and have left-over cake with ice cream. Then she asks me if she could run home and drop her stuff off and change the baby into his pajamas. At that point I was even more annoyed because I'd really be having dessert later, but I said yeah go ahead. I didn't end up having my dessert until 10:30PM. And then I didn't even have any good ice cream to eat with it, so I ended up having just the cake. I can't even explain how agitated I was. It's so fucking ridiculous.

I did explain to my sister how I feel like I need to eat at certain times, because I didn't want her to think it had anything to do with her. I still feel like a complete cow now, though.

I don't even know why I bother worrying about eating at certain times, because my insides still don't want to function properly. I am so goddamn miserable with my stomach right now. I got on the scale yesterday and I was 3-4 pounds heavier than last Saturday. I wanted to cry.

And this crown....I can't fucking stand it anymore. I feel like ripping it out of my mouth. I just finally lost focus on it and I forget what happened one day that brought it to my attention again.

And while we were down the shore, I started to have all of these thoughts running through my head of horrible things happening and I just wanted to grab a hold of my hair and start screaming as loud as I possibly could. I honestly believe if I ever have another breakdown, it's going to be about ten times worse than the first one.