Random Thoughts

So my annual performance review....not quite as bad as I thought. Most of what was said wasn't anything I disagreed with. Of course, my manager still had to go and bring up that I tend to get emotional and overwhelmed easily. And my main task of work needs to be improved some. Which I am already well aware of. I scored a 3.67 out of 5 and I am getting the maximum percentage raise. I meet expectations and am an asset to the company.

Of course, my sick mind starts to think about it and immediately goes on the attack. 3.67 out of 5? Percentage wise that would be a 73.4%, which is a low C in school. I meet expectations? Why do I not exceed expectations? And then my manager made some comment about how I come in and ask questions and stated that a lot of times she doesn't understand why I ask them when I pretty much know the answer. Um, because I am double checking? I don't get it- she raves that I am someone who will ask questions and not just do shit on my own and then she makes comments like that. Do I ask or not? Like WTF? She also stated that she has noticed an improvement in my work output. I still don't see it. She made some comment about how I tend to stick with smaller files. Um, because you told me to do so? She also made a comment that she hasn't had one complaint from a doctor yet. That is all I needed to hear. Now I am just waiting for one to come along.

I had a shitty day in work. I woke up feeling like crap because I want to Maggiano's last night for dinner and it made my already feeling like crap stomach feel even crappier. I also had wicked heartburn and the taste of garlic in my mouth. I took 2 Pepcids and they barely did shit. When I got to work I made coffee and because no one knows how to properly stack boxes, I had to move one and cut my thumb. Now I am going to be worried that I am going to get an infection.

Then when I went looking for work, there were 3 charts waiting for Monday that were all fairly small, so I took the biggest at 0.5 inches since I got nitpicked for taking smaller ones. Big. Mistake. It was one of those small deceiving ones. I worked on it the entire 8 hours and still wasn't completed it when I clocked out. And it was a fucking nightmare. About a hundred different complaints, pain constantly switching sides, etc. At one point I couldn't hold back anymore and I went into the bathroom and cried for about 10 minutes because I was so frustrated. And when things like this happen, I also get frustrated because I start worrying that superiors are going to look at my work log and will be like, well why did it take you so long you know what this isn't working out we have to let you go. I worry about this all of the goddamn time.

We were also having that luncheon today. I didn't even go in the conference room. And of course I realize how that makes me come off to others, but I am sorry, I just couldn't go in. I was too upset and anxious and being in that room and listening to all the stupid gossip about our sister company and how dumb everyone is up there (and really, I wonder if they are all that bad) and listening to our temp with the loud screechy nasally voice and my FWA would have made me lose it.

I did get upset while I was sitting at my desk and thought god why do I have to be socially inept? Even if I was in there, I would have felt incredibly uncomfortable and self-conscious like I usually do when I do actually sit in there. Plus, once everyone would start getting on me about not eating I would have felt even worse and even more self-conscious. It would be nice if one could admit to their issues without everyone judging them and thinking they're weird.

Earlier, before my mom went to bed, she was getting on me about everything. Nitpicking every thing I said. And I swear that woman loves to play Devil's advocate. Every time I complain about someone, she defends them. She does nothing but bitch about my dad, but the minute I say something, she's defending him. Or if I complain about something my sister did, she is right there defending her (of course, my sister says she does the same thing in regards to me).

And ever since I saw that article about people saying childless people just had bad moms, I have been thinking. Don't get me wrong, my mom was a very good mom growing up and I love her to death. But to be honest- and I would never admit this to anyone but maybe a therapist- there were things she did that contribute to my reasons for not having kids. I fully understand mental illness and the apathy that comes along with depression. But when you're a kid and you're excited about shit and your mom says stuff like I really could care less, it kind of gets to you after so long. And I understand that feeling now, but I still don't want to subject a kid to it.

One of the things I said earlier was that with his temper and no patience, my brother-in-law shouldn't have had a kid. My mom turns and says "well I have no patience maybe I shouldn't have had kids". She has said quite a few times that maybe she shouldn't have kids. I frankly don't care when she says that, because I know my mom loves me and was one of those women who wanted nothing more than to be a mom, but I have bitten my tongue more times that I can count to keep from saying "yeah it's a shame you didn't do a huge favor and just fucking aborted me". That would not go over well. But the sad thing is, I do often think that.

The amount of times I think of death on a daily basis is just unhealthy. Hell, earlier in work when I was working on that nightmare file, I kept thinking about how it would have taken the other workers no time to do and here I am spending a whole day on it and I thought about how I would like to go home and either blow my brains out or chase a bottle of pills down with vodka. The amount of times I think of suicide is even more unhealthy, but it is just that- thoughts. Nothing more. Would I like to act on my plans? Yes. But I can never muster enough courage to actually do so. Heaven knows what it would actually take for me to do so. That's why I laugh whenever I think about my hospital stay. That was probably the closest I ever came to actually considering acting on my plans, but I still was nowhere gutsy enough to do so. I felt like laughing at the employees and saying bitches, please, like I'd ever actually act on it, even though I desperately want to.

And before I go:

MMGGMMTT (whoisMGMT) on Twitter

The fuck you do to yourself now, boy?!