Random Thoughts

Since all of my attention seems to be back on my teeth and this damn crown, I was fretting over it earlier and I kept thinking how every single time I hear someone say they are OCD about something, I want to punch them in the face. Oh I like a clean house I am so OCD! LOLZ I am so OCD about grammar! Oh I like things neat and in order I am so OCD! NO, YOU'RE NOT.

I was stuck running out by myself earlier to get dessert and I decided to go to Friendly's and get the new red velvet Friend-Z (very good, by the way) and as I was walking to my car, I kind of glanced in the windows and the place was filled with all these young people with their friends and all I could think was, I wish I had a gun so I could blow my brains out.

Life really fucking sucks when you have no relationships outside of your family. It sucks even more when you're someone who is really awful at creating relationships. I don't know how to create relationships, plain and simple. I have no idea how to make friends. I feel nothing but self-conscious and awkward whenever I talk to people. And even when some kind of a relationship forms, it ends up being nothing but a rocky nightmare for me and all I do is worry that the person is judging me and talking about me behind my back (I never voice these concerns out loud).

And ultimately, it ends up dissolving for some reason and generally it always seems to be my fault. I either didn't know how to pull my weight as a friend (I always love that; I had two friends bitch one time that I never called them and the phone works both ways.....yet they never called me either. Ever.)  or I was too much of a good two-shoes (and it's not like I was a preachy goody two-shoes; I disapproved a lot of times of the things my friends in the past have done, but I never EVER said anything about it, just simply declined to participate in their shenanigans) or I apparently wasn't homosexual enough.

That last one was one of the ones that burned the most. I am glad my friend had found happiness and all with finally being out of the closet, but that was no reason to disregard me. Especially considering before she came out, we used to have long discussions about our sexuality. And I was one of the first people she came out to because at the time, I was one of the only few people in her life who was cool about it. And it's not like she can ever say she ditched me because I was heterosexual because she knows damn well I was never sure about my sexuality back then. Hell, I still have no idea what it is, although I am starting to wonder that despite all my fantasizing and talk about wanting to be banged by tall skinny rock stars, if I am actually asexual.

Which brings me to my next complaint. We got an email on Friday that this upcoming Friday we're going to be having a luncheon with pizza and cake as a thank you for all of our hardwork. I wanted to groan so loud reading it. I fucking hate these stupid luncheons. That's why it's nice to work for a big company. We never had to attend luncheons all at the same time (at least any of the ones I worked for). We just got the damn food when we wanted it. I can't stand having everyone asking me "aren't you going to eat" or "don't you want any food"? Yes, I will eat when I damn well feel like it and it's going to be my own food because I am a sick bitch who has to eat at a certain time and has to eat specific things! It is so damn ANNOYING. Like leave me the hell alone!

I also can't stand having to sit in a little room with people who are sweet as sugar to one another's faces and then rip them apart behind their backs. And every time my manager goes on about how she thinks we all have a good relationship in the office, I want to laugh until I choke to death.We just got a new medical assistant a few weeks ago and on Friday, not even 5 minutes after she left, our most senior employee and the catty one were talking about her. I felt like turning to them and saying "JFC, you're (to the most senior employee) 69 years old and you're 36 years old- grow the fuck up already". And I love how them two have to constantly bitch when someone makes a mistake. Yes, because they're just so damn perfect they never EVER make mistakes.

I am dreading this already. I seriously want to find an excuse to leave work early or call out.

I am so frustrated with my job. Every time I think I am advancing with my work, I get a batch of work that sets me back. I have the hang of the job, it's just a matter of getting what I need from the medical reports. And a lot of times that ends up being more difficult than people think.

One of my cousins is pregnant again. After she had her first son, all she did was whine and bitch about needing alone time (because it wasn't like she was pawning her spawn off on her parents all of the time anyway) and now all she does is bitch about how bad he is and I feel like asking her WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU GET PREGNANT AGAIN?

My cranky ass needs to go to bed already.