Random Thoughts

It's the glorious time once again- the weekend!

Right now, I am sitting here with knots in my stomach. I have felt so frigging good for the past couple of weeks and now I am starting to feel depressed and I am fearful I am coming down off of this high and I am trying to do everything imaginable to hold onto it. I don't know how I will survive lapsing into a bad depressive state again. I have never felt anything quite like how I have felt the past couple weeks and I am terrified that I might try to harm myself just to deal with the massive change in mood. Maybe I am truly a manic depressive. Dear god, I hope I am not.

I am so tired of having mental problems. And everyone is always like, why suffer when you have an easily treatable condition? Actually, no I don't. For one, I do not have ONE easily treatable condition. Second, wake up! The mental health system sucks! Everything is about drugs and lining the doctor's pockets. How can I place any trust in these people?

I have enough trust issues as it is. I can't trust anyone, not even my own family. Every time I find someone I think I can trust, they turn around and stab me in the back.

I just want one person, besides my family, to tell me I am worthy of staying on this earth. I thought maybe I found someone who could do that and in the grand tradition of things, he is no longer to be found. What happened to him, I don't know. But if he is not deathly sick or six foot under, then I think I will completely lose faith in humanity.

I went to the GI doctor the other day and he, as well as my mother, keeps pushing me to start taking anti-acid medication due to family history. My mother does not want me to end up with Barrett's esophagus like her. Why do neither get that I just don't fucking care? I am so freaking tired of everything. I am tired of fighting through life anymore. I just want to be done. I often say I am going to 50 and then I am done. I don't even know if I can make it that long.