Random Thoughts

I am in a hideous mood right now. I am in such a hideous mood, I actually have an unhealthy urge to go get completely and utterly hosed. I need to stay away from booze, though. I am scary enough sober. I shake in my boots at the scenarios that could erupt should I ever become drunk.

I haven't quit the 'lax yet so my stomach is still fucking with me. I was laying on the bed watching The Simpsons and I dozed off and when I woke up, my chest basically blew up like a volcano. It's bad. It really is. I really believe I am going to have cancer one day. What part of the digestive system I don't know. The even sadder realization of all of this is how little I care.

People annoy me so much. My mother sent invitations for my sister's bridal shower and I think we're lucky if 10 people have RSVP'd so far. Almost 50 invitations were sent out. Why do people think it is okay for them to just completely ignore invitations? We need to know here, people! We are paying for this damn bridal shower PER HEAD. Just pick up the goddamn fucking phone and call and say "I am coming" or "I am not coming". It's not that frigging difficult.

And then I sent an email to one of the bridesmaids with my home phone number and when I can be reached. Today I check my cellphone while I am on lunch and find I have two voice messages. One is from Mom and the other is from the bridesmaid. I assume she got my cellphone number from my sister, which I am going to have to have a talk with my sister. I don't want my cellphone number giving out. And also, she called during the time frame I said I was unavailable.

Earlier in work, my "friend" and I were emailing back and forth and complaining about the weather and I had made some comment about how at least the furry little rat had seen his shadow. Well, the email I got back shocked me. I had to read it like 3 times to make sure it was real. She actually snapped out over the groundhog and how she doesn't understand why people take it seriously and that it is still 6 more weeks regardless of whether he sees it or not and made some kind of smarmy comment of "sorry to disappoint you". I wanted to email her back and say bitch, are you for fucking real? It was a fucking joke! I do not believe what the groundhog has to say, but I do always look forward to hearing what he ends up seeing. And in typical S-Cubed fashion, I got pissed as shit. I seriously wanted to just go up to her office and blow up on her. Normal reaction? Certainly not. But do I ever react normally? Ha. Right. But I was simply making a joke. And I don't appreciate being given a bitchy attitude like that.

A couple weeks ago, she was mad in work because she had asked our boss if she would be able to leave work early once a week while school is in session and the boss was giving her a hard time about it and she bitched about it all day and then later on, had made some comment on Facebook about it and I left a comment about how much it sucked and the next day I see there was a response to my comment. This was the response "it is what it is". I swear, if I could have reached through my computer and sucker punched her in the face I would have. I don't know what made me angrier- the fact that she bitched about it all day and then suddenly the situation turns into "it is what it is" or the fact that she said "it is what it is". I fucking hate corny ass positive mumbo jumbo sayings like that and "everything happens for a reason" and shit. I'd like to put my foot up someone's ass whenever I hear someone spout assinine shit like that.

I am sick of my personality. I am not normally one to ever self-diagnose myself (usually I am the first one to curse people who do that), but with the way I have been behaving lately, I'd almost swear I am heading into borderline personality disorder territory. I don't know what my problem is. I suppose I should go back to therapy, but what is the point of therapy when you don't know what your problem is? I mean, I could see my personality if I had been raped or molested or experienced some other horrible trauma as a kid. But I didn't. I don't recall anything traumatizing happening to me as a kid, except for being brutally bullied in sixth grade by that kid. I don't see that being enough to cause this mountain of problems. It certainly is almost the whole reason behind my self-esteem issues. But not the rest. How do you solve something when you don't know what the problem is? It's like telling someone to solve a math word problem and not ever giving them the actual word problem. I guess. Is that even a logical comparison? I don't know.

I was never a fan of Smallville, but I was blown away the first time I heard the theme song ("Save Me" by Remy Zero) and every time I listen to it, especially now, I can't help but think about how much I want someone to come in and save me. And I don't mean the Jebus save me type of saving. I want someone- outside of my family- to make me feel beautiful and not want to smash my fist into the mirror every time I look in it and to actually make me feel like I deserve to be amongst people and to even just be worthy of being on this earth in general.

Wouldn't it be absolutely fantastic if almost all of my problems disappeared if I got just got laid?